1. You can't have adultery.
You commit it.Copy !req
2. You can't even commit adultery unless
you already have a commitment.Copy !req
3. So you have to make the commitment
before thinking about committing it.Copy !req
4. There's no commit without the commit.Copy !req
5. Then, once you commit,
then you can commit the adultery.Copy !req
6. Then you get caught, get divorced,
lose your mind...Copy !req
7. and they have you committed.Copy !req
8. You know, some people actually cheat
on the people they're cheating with...Copy !req
9. which is like, you know,
being in a holdup...Copy !req
10. and turning to the robber
next to you and going:Copy !req
11. "All right, give me everything
you have too."Copy !req
12. You met her
at the supermarket? How?Copy !req
13. Produce section.
Very provocative area.Copy !req
14. Lots of melons and shapes.
Everyone squeezing and smelling.Copy !req
15. It just happened.Copy !req
16. - So when you gonna see her?
- Tonight.Copy !req
17. - What's her name?
- I don't know.Copy !req
18. - How could you not know her name?
- I was nervous. I got distracted.Copy !req
19. It had something to do
with a car or a fish.Copy !req
20. Look at... Why do I get bananas?
They're good for one day.Copy !req
21. Oh, my God. I forgot to tell you.Copy !req
22. I got a letter today from
the State Controller's Office.Copy !req
23. Back in public school in Brooklyn...Copy !req
24. every week I put 50 cents
in the Lincoln Savings Bank.Copy !req
25. - Yeah, I did that too.
- Remember the little bankbook?Copy !req
26. I haven't put anything in it since sixth
grade. I completely forgot about it.Copy !req
27. The State Controller's Office
tracks me down.Copy !req
28. The interest has accumulated
to $1900.Copy !req
29. Nineteen hundred dollars.
They're sending me a check.Copy !req
30. Yeah. Interest. It's an amazing thing.Copy !req
31. You make money
without doing anything.Copy !req
32. I have friends that base their whole life
on that principle.Copy !req
33. - Really? Who?
- Nobody you know.Copy !req
34. Maybe I'll go down to the track,
put it all on a horse.Copy !req
35. Why don't you put it in the bank.Copy !req
36. Bank? This is found money.Copy !req
37. I want to parlay it.
I wanna make a big score.Copy !req
38. You mean you wanna lose it.Copy !req
39. Yeah. All right.Copy !req
40. - You got it, huh?
- Yes, I did.Copy !req
41. - Yes.
- What's with the gloves?Copy !req
42. Well, I'm staining my floors. You know,
I don't wanna get my hands dirty.Copy !req
43. - What, the whole apartment?
- The whole apartment.Copy !req
44. And I'm buying
that fake-wood wallpaper.Copy !req
45. I'm gonna surround myself
in wood.Copy !req
46. It's gonna be like a log cabin.Copy !req
47. Because I need wood around me.Copy !req
48. Wood, Jerry. Wood.Copy !req
49. - Wood is good.
- Definitely.Copy !req
50. So we're still going to play
racquetball, right?Copy !req
51. - Yeah. Whenever you're ready.
- Okay. Soon as Elaine gets here.Copy !req
52. - What, you rented Home Alone?
- Yeah.Copy !req
53. - I thought you saw that.
- No, I saw Home Alone 2.Copy !req
54. Oh, right. But you hated it.Copy !req
55. Well, I was lost.
I never saw the first one.Copy !req
56. - By the way, you mind if I watch it here?
- What for?Copy !req
57. If I watch it at my apartment,
I feel like I'm not doing anything.Copy !req
58. Here, I'm out of the house,
I'm doing something.Copy !req
59. All right, go ahead.Copy !req
60. - Yeah?
- It's me. Are you ready to go?Copy !req
61. No. Come on up.Copy !req
62. I can't work with these.Copy !req
63. - What's wrong?
- You bought me dishwashing gloves.Copy !req
64. - There's no fine touch.
- You said "gloves."Copy !req
65. No. No, these are too thick.Copy !req
66. - Is that Home Alone?
- Yeah. The original.Copy !req
67. - Hey, boys-o.
- Hey!Copy !req
68. Hello.Copy !req
69. Hey, get your stuff. Let's go.Copy !req
70. Wait a minute.
There's a change of plans.Copy !req
71. - What?
- Remember Roy, the artist?Copy !req
72. - Oh, the triangle guy.
- Yeah. Exactly. The triangle guy.Copy !req
73. - Yeah. You liked him. What happened?
- Yeah, I did. He was very talented.Copy !req
74. He was just, I don't know,
a little too...Copy !req
75. - Artsy?
- Fat.Copy !req
76. He was a fat starving artist,
you know?Copy !req
77. - That's very rare.
- Yeah.Copy !req
78. Anyway, he's in the hospital,
he's having surgery...Copy !req
79. - ... and I should go visit him.
- What's wrong?Copy !req
80. Something with his spleen.
It'll just take five minutes.Copy !req
81. Okay? The hospital's
right on the way.Copy !req
82. - All right. We'll wait for you.
- I can get some rubber gloves there.Copy !req
83. Listen, Jerry, could you
do me a favour?Copy !req
84. Could you go into the room
with me to visit him?Copy !req
85. Because I don't want him to think
that I'm, you know, interested.Copy !req
86. You want me to pretend
to be your boyfriend.Copy !req
87. - Well...
- Well, I think I can do that.Copy !req
88. I've played that role before
to some critical acclaim.Copy !req
89. - All right, let's go.
- All right.Copy !req
90. - Yep.
- What's with him?Copy !req
91. You know, a lot of people
have asked that.Copy !req
92. Roy.Copy !req
93. Elaine.Copy !req
94. What a surprise.Copy !req
95. Oh, my God.Copy !req
96. I hardly recognize you. You look so-Copy !req
97. - Yeah, I've lost some weight.
- A lot of weight.Copy !req
98. - I know.
- You look terrific.Copy !req
99. Thank you. So do you.Copy !req
100. This is... You really lost weight.Copy !req
101. - Thank you.
- Jerry. I'm the boyfriend.Copy !req
102. Dr. Whittenberg, outside cal.Copy !req
103. Dr. Whittenberg, outside cal.Copy !req
104. The mother lode.Copy !req
105. I can't believe it. You were huge.Copy !req
106. Like blubber.Copy !req
107. I couldn't even get my arms
around you.Copy !req
108. Yes. I remember.Copy !req
109. That's a positive thing
about getting sick.Copy !req
110. - You get to lose weight.
- Elaine, it wasn't the illness.Copy !req
111. - It was you.
- Me?Copy !req
112. Yeah. After you stopped seeing me,
I was devastated.Copy !req
113. I couldn't eat for weeks.Copy !req
114. Get out!Copy !req
115. - Really. It's the truth.
- Jerry, did you hear this?Copy !req
116. He couldn't eat for weeks.Copy !req
117. That's terrible.Copy !req
118. I had no idea I had
that kind of effect on you.Copy !req
119. You did.Copy !req
120. You know, I can't get
this damn thing to sleep.Copy !req
121. Now, listen, Roy, tell me something:Copy !req
122. - When are you getting out of here?
- Next Thursday.Copy !req
123. Okay, I tell you what.
How about on Friday...Copy !req
124. I take you out for a big meal,
because you are getting too thin.Copy !req
125. Honey...Copy !req
126. aren't we going to
the Poconos next Friday?Copy !req
127. No, that's the week after.Copy !req
128. No, I believe it's next week.Copy !req
129. - You're wrong.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
130. Shut up.Copy !req
131. Pay dirt.Copy !req
132. Roy, this is Kramer.
He's one of our friends.Copy !req
133. - How do you do?
- I do great.Copy !req
134. - Hi, Roy.
- Hey, Dr. Siegel.Copy !req
135. Hey, doc, check this out.Copy !req
136. - Hey.
- I just learned that.Copy !req
137. I just wanted to stop by...Copy !req
138. see if you had any questions
about tomorrow's operation.Copy !req
139. Yeah, yeah, I have-
I have a question.Copy !req
140. What do you know about
interabdominal retractors?Copy !req
141. Are you asking because
you saw 20l20 last night?Copy !req
142. I sure am.Copy !req
143. Well, that report was about
one very specific type of retractor.Copy !req
144. And I can assure you we do not use...Copy !req
145. that retractor
in your friend's procedure.Copy !req
146. But you will use a retractor.Copy !req
147. We have to.Copy !req
148. I'll tell you what. You're obviously
concerned about your friend's welfare.Copy !req
149. A few of my students will be
observing tomorrow's operation...Copy !req
150. from the viewing gallery. How would
you like to watch it with them?Copy !req
151. - I'd love to watch the operation.
- I don't know.Copy !req
152. Come on, Jerry,
you gotta see the operation.Copy !req
153. They're gonna cut him open.
His guts will be all over the place.Copy !req
154. - Yeah, that's true.
- They'll saw through bone.Copy !req
155. We'll see what's inside bone.Copy !req
156. - Hey.
- Hi.Copy !req
157. - What are you doing? You're crying?
- No.Copy !req
158. You're crying from Home Alone?Copy !req
159. - The old man got to me.
- All right.Copy !req
160. Get yourself together.
I don't know if I can be friends...Copy !req
161. - ... with you anymore after this display.
- Oh, shut up.Copy !req
162. What are you doing back
so soon, anyway?Copy !req
163. I never even got to the gym.
Kramer got the gloves...Copy !req
164. wanted to come home
and start working on his floor.Copy !req
165. - How's the guy?
- He's okay.Copy !req
166. Him and Elaine
are getting pretty chummy.Copy !req
167. Elaine wants me to buy his art.Copy !req
168. - That's nerve.
- Yeah. So she and triangle boy...Copy !req
169. can go out to fancy restaurants.Copy !req
170. You know what it is?Copy !req
171. It's Clara Nightingale Syndrome.Copy !req
172. - He falls ill, she falls in love.
- You mean Florence Nightingale.Copy !req
173. - What did I say, "Clara"?
- You must have meant Clara Barton.Copy !req
174. Clara Barton? What did she do?Copy !req
175. I'm not sure,
but I think she was nice.Copy !req
176. Susan B. Anthony I think
I'd have a problem with.Copy !req
177. Yeah, I think you would.Copy !req
178. So are you gonna buy his art?Copy !req
179. No. Why don't you buy it.
You got $1900.Copy !req
180. Yeah. That's what I want. Triangles.Copy !req
181. I'm out of here.
Have fun with whatshername.Copy !req
182. I will.Copy !req
183. You know, now you gotta ask her
her name. It's so embarrassing.Copy !req
184. - No, it isn't. I can find out.
- Yeah? How?Copy !req
185. There are ways.Copy !req
186. You know, I remember
when I was a kid growing up...Copy !req
187. kids would make fun of my name
like you wouldn't believe.Copy !req
188. "Jerry, Jerry, Dingleberry'and...Copy !req
189. - ..."Seinsmelled."
- Seinsmelled?Copy !req
190. Yeah.Copy !req
191. What about you? Did people
make fun of your name?Copy !req
192. Are you kidding?
They were merciless.Copy !req
193. What do you expect
when your name rhymes...Copy !req
194. with a part of the female anatomy?Copy !req
195. Of course, not everybody can be
as sweet as you are.Copy !req
196. - Oh, Jerry.
- Oh, you.Copy !req
197. Now, let's try "breast."Copy !req
198. Celeste.Copy !req
199. - Kest.
- No.Copy !req
200. - Rest. Sest. Hest.
- Hest?Copy !req
201. That's not a name.Copy !req
202. - You should have just asked her.
- I know I should have asked.Copy !req
203. - What are you gonna do now?
- I don't know. I can't ask her now.Copy !req
204. I've already made out with her.Copy !req
205. Once you make out,
you can't ask her her name.Copy !req
206. Aretha.Copy !req
207. No.Copy !req
208. - Bovary.
- All right, that's enough.Copy !req
209. You know what you gotta do?
You gotta go through her purse.Copy !req
210. The credit cards, driver's license.Copy !req
211. - Well, how am I gonna do that?
- When she goes to the bathroom.Copy !req
212. - There you are.
- Hey.Copy !req
213. My date stood me up.Copy !req
214. Listen, will you guys go
to the operation with me?Copy !req
215. You asked a date
to go to the operation?Copy !req
216. Yeah.Copy !req
217. So come on. What do you say?Copy !req
218. - What kind of operation is it?
- Splenectomy.Copy !req
219. - Isn't that where they remove the-?
- Don't ruin it.Copy !req
220. I haven't seen it yet.Copy !req
221. - Now, come on. What do you say?
- Mulva.Copy !req
222. Mulva?Copy !req
223. Come on, come on. You wanna go?Copy !req
224. - Come on. Yeah.
- All right. All right.Copy !req
225. Just let me finish my coffee.Copy !req
226. Then we'll watch them go
slice this fat bastard up.Copy !req
227. Now we'll open
the peritoneal cavity...Copy !req
228. exposing the body's
internal organs.Copy !req
229. Nurse, retractor.Copy !req
230. - What are you eating?
- Junior Mints.Copy !req
231. - You want one?
- No.Copy !req
232. Now, I can't see.Copy !req
233. Could you get-?Copy !req
234. Where'd you get those?Copy !req
235. - The machine. You want one?
- No.Copy !req
236. - Here. Take one.
- I don't want one.Copy !req
237. - No, they're good.
- I don't want any.Copy !req
238. - Just take one.
- No. Stop- Kramer, stop it.Copy !req
239. - Did it go in?
- Yes.Copy !req
240. Over the balcony, bounced off
some respirator thing...Copy !req
241. into the patient.Copy !req
242. What do you mean,
"Into the patient"?Copy !req
243. Into the patient. Literally.Copy !req
244. - Into the hole?
- Yes.Copy !req
245. The hole.Copy !req
246. - Didn't they notice it?
- No.Copy !req
247. - How could they not notice it?
- Because it's a little mint.Copy !req
248. It's a Junior Mint.Copy !req
249. Well, what did they do?Copy !req
250. They sealed him up
with the mint inside.Copy !req
251. - They left the Junior Mint in him?
- Yes.Copy !req
252. Well, I- I guess it can't hurt him.Copy !req
253. People eat pounds of those things.Copy !req
254. Yes, they eat them.Copy !req
255. They don't put them next to vital
organs in their abdominal cavity.Copy !req
256. - Yeah.
- It's me.Copy !req
257. Come on up.Copy !req
258. Hey.Copy !req
259. This wallpaper is very good.Copy !req
260. My place looks like a ski lodge.Copy !req
261. Why'd you force that mint on me?
I didn't want the mint!Copy !req
262. - What? I didn't believe you.
- How could you not?Copy !req
263. Well, who's gonna turn down
a Junior Mint?Copy !req
264. It's chocolate, it's peppermint.
It's delicious.Copy !req
265. - That's true.
- It's very refreshing.Copy !req
266. Well, just don't say anything
about this to Elaine.Copy !req
267. Prognosis...Copy !req
268. negative.Copy !req
269. Prognosis negative?Copy !req
270. He's not doing well.
The doctors don't know what it is.Copy !req
271. They're baffled.Copy !req
272. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
273. Just my luck, you know? Just when
he was getting thin and attractive.Copy !req
274. You know, Jerry, you should
buy some of his art.Copy !req
275. - That would really lift his spirits.
- It's that bleak?Copy !req
276. You know, if the guy dies...Copy !req
277. the art could really be
worth something.Copy !req
278. - We gotta confess.
- Really?Copy !req
279. - Yes.
- We could be tried for murder.Copy !req
280. I can't have this.
We're Leopold and Loeb.Copy !req
281. - You're not saying anything.
- You can't stop me.Copy !req
282. No, you're not!Copy !req
283. Hey, Elaine, put me down
for some of that art.Copy !req
284. Nineteen hundred dollars' worth.Copy !req
285. Yeah, that's the spot.Copy !req
286. What are you so tense about?Copy !req
287. Nothing, really. Just a homicide.Copy !req
288. That's terrific...Copy !req
289. Mulva.Copy !req
290. What?Copy !req
291. Mulva?Copy !req
292. Mulva?Copy !req
293. My...Copy !req
294. My aunt's name is Mulva.
She's a masseuse.Copy !req
295. I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
296. Good idea.Copy !req
297. What are you doing?Copy !req
298. I was just looking for some gum.Copy !req
299. - Or a mint.
- I have Junior Mints.Copy !req
300. No! No. I mean-Copy !req
301. No, thank you. No.Copy !req
302. - Any news?
- No. No. You better get out of here.Copy !req
303. No, wait a sec. Wait a second.Copy !req
304. I don't know the name of this woman.Copy !req
305. So when she comes out,
you introduce yourself.Copy !req
306. - She'll be forced to say her name.
- Ten-four.Copy !req
307. Okay.Copy !req
308. - Hello.
- Hello, I'm Kramer.Copy !req
309. - Nice to meet you.
- See you later.Copy !req
310. I'd better get going.
I don't wanna be late for the play.Copy !req
311. - Okay.
- My cousin knows the producer.Copy !req
312. I may get to go backstage
and meet Olympia Dukakis.Copy !req
313. - There's a name you don't forget.
- Bye, Jerry.Copy !req
314. Bye.Copy !req
315. - Hi.
- Hi, I'm George.Copy !req
316. - Nice to meet you, George.
- Yeah. I gave it a shot.Copy !req
317. So any word on the artiste?Copy !req
318. No. I haven't heard anything.Copy !req
319. - Well, I got my triangles.
- Really?Copy !req
320. Yep. You know, they really
spruce up the apartment.Copy !req
321. Yeah, I'm sure. I gotta call the hospital.
I gotta tell them what happened.Copy !req
322. - No, no. Jerry, I wouldn't do that.
- Why?Copy !req
323. You could get in trouble.Copy !req
324. Look, I gotta try and help the guy.Copy !req
325. Who are you to play God?Copy !req
326. Every man's time comes.Copy !req
327. If his number is up,
who are you to interfere?Copy !req
328. Yes, I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel.Copy !req
329. It's about Roy Corning's condition.Copy !req
330. - What? What?
- That's fantastic.Copy !req
331. - He didn't get better, did he?
- Thank you very much. Okay. Bye-bye.Copy !req
332. He's gonna be okay.Copy !req
333. Where's the luck?Copy !req
334. There's no luck.Copy !req
335. Nineteen hundred dollars
down the drain.Copy !req
336. You saved my life, George.Copy !req
337. You buying my art is what
inspired me to get better.Copy !req
338. I'll never forget what you did for me.Copy !req
339. Well, that's great. It's really great.Copy !req
340. You know, art's a great investment.Copy !req
341. They'll be great in your apartment.Copy !req
342. Yes, I look forward
to many years of...Copy !req
343. looking at the triangles.Copy !req
344. Well, I'll- I'll wait for you outside.Copy !req
345. - Hey, George.
- Yeah?Copy !req
346. - All right.
- That's nice.Copy !req
347. Thanks, Roy.Copy !req
348. Hey.Copy !req
349. There's the guy who saved my life.Copy !req
350. You know, I don't want
to totally discount...Copy !req
351. the emotional element
in your recovery...Copy !req
352. but I think there were
other factors at play here.Copy !req
353. - What do you mean?
- I have no medical evidence...Copy !req
354. to back me up, but something
happened during the operation...Copy !req
355. that staved off that infection.Copy !req
356. Something beyond science.Copy !req
357. Something perhaps...Copy !req
358. from above.Copy !req
359. Mint?Copy !req
360. Those can be very refreshing.Copy !req
361. So Elaine...Copy !req
362. where we going for our
big dinner on Friday?Copy !req
363. I'm so sorry, Roy...Copy !req
364. but, actually, we are going to
the Poconos on Friday. Right, honey?Copy !req
365. I don't think so.Copy !req
366. Yeah, I believe that we...
We are.Copy !req
367. I believe we're not.Copy !req
368. - Please, can we go to the Poconos?
- Well, I'll think about it.Copy !req
369. Great seats. You could see
the actors spitting.Copy !req
370. Really.Copy !req
371. Afterwards, we went backstage,
and Olympia Dukakis...Copy !req
372. autographed my playbill.Copy !req
373. - Wait a second. You got her autograph?
- Yeah.Copy !req
374. - Do you have it with you?
- Yeah, it's in my purse.Copy !req
375. Let me see.Copy !req
376. You know, I really think I'm
falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.Copy !req
377. Well, I really think
I'm falling for you...Copy !req
378. "Joseph Poglia."Copy !req
379. I had it autographed for my uncle.Copy !req
380. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
381. You don't know my name, do you?Copy !req
382. - Yes, I do.
- What is it?Copy !req
383. It rhymes with a female body part.Copy !req
384. What is it?Copy !req
385. Mulva?Copy !req
386. Gipple?Copy !req
387. Loleola?Copy !req
388. Dolores!Copy !req
389. Ages 0 through 10, candy is
your life. There's nothing else.Copy !req
390. Family, friends, school,
they're only obstacles...Copy !req
391. in the way of getting more candy.Copy !req
392. You have your favourite candies
that you love.Copy !req
393. You know, "I love those. I hate those.Copy !req
394. I hate those. I love those."Copy !req
395. Only a 7-year-old kid can actually
taste the difference...Copy !req
396. between, like, a red M&M
and a light-brown M&M.Copy !req
397. That's two totally different things
when you're a 7-year-old.Copy !req
398. "Well, your red is more of
a main-course M&M...Copy !req
399. but the brown, it's a more
of a mellower flavour.Copy !req
400. It's an after-dinner M&M, really."Copy !req