1. Last week on Seinfeld.Copy !req
2. Yeah, I'm here for the audition.Copy !req
3. The Tonight Show called
and they want me...Copy !req
4. to do the show on the 28th.
They're giving me tickets to L.A.Copy !req
5. - You wanna go?
- A free ticket?Copy !req
6. In fact, we could track down Kramer.Copy !req
7. I got a very big meeting. I got people
interested in my treatment.Copy !req
8. - Pretty young thing.
- She was.Copy !req
9. It's a two-day trip.
What are you, Diana Ross?Copy !req
10. Ladies and gentlemen,
I implore you.Copy !req
11. Don't look. Don't look.
It's Fred Savage.Copy !req
12. Did I frighten you?
I may look weird, but I'm just like you.Copy !req
13. I'm just a regular guy, just trying
to make it in this business.Copy !req
14. - No witnesses?
- Just the trees, Johnny.Copy !req
15. Just the trees.Copy !req
16. Could you not tuck the blankets in?Copy !req
17. Because I can't sleep all tucked in.Copy !req
18. I think we just caught a break.Copy !req
19. All right. So that's one tuck
and one no-tuck.Copy !req
20. So that's when I said, " Hey, Kramer,
dude, you ever kill a man before?"Copy !req
21. You're on The Tonight Show. NBC.Copy !req
22. - Who else is on?
- I don't know.Copy !req
23. Corbin Bernsen.Copy !req
24. Do I have a case for you guys
to do on L.A. Law.Copy !req
25. I don't wanna tell you
how to run the show-Copy !req
26. - No, of course not.
- It's enough with the bar already.Copy !req
27. He's a very handsome man.
Passionate, intense.Copy !req
28. But troubled, strange.Copy !req
29. - Let's pick up this Kramer.
- Kramer!Copy !req
30. Police have just released
a photo of the suspect...Copy !req
31. being sought in connection
with the slayings.Copy !req
32. He is known only as Kramer.Copy !req
33. There are many different jobs
in the police.Copy !req
34. It seems to me
that "chalk outline guy"...Copy !req
35. is one of the better jobs
that you can get.Copy !req
36. You know, it's not too dangerous.
The criminals are long gone.Copy !req
37. That seems like a good one.Copy !req
38. I guess they're people that wanted
to be sketch artists...Copy !req
39. but they couldn't draw too well.Copy !req
40. " Listen, Johnson,
forget the sketches.Copy !req
41. Do you think if we left the body
right there on the sidewalk...Copy !req
42. you could manage to trace
around it?Copy !req
43. Could you do that?"Copy !req
44. How does that even help them
solve the crime?Copy !req
45. They look at the thing.
" His arm was like that...Copy !req
46. when he hit the pavement.Copy !req
47. That means the killer must
have been Jim. "Copy !req
48. - He's on the loose.
- Let go of my arm. You'll get us killed.Copy !req
49. What are we supposed to do?
What do you do in this situation?Copy !req
50. Should we call a lawyer
or the police?Copy !req
51. Obviously, we're gonna call the police
and tell them he's not the guy.Copy !req
52. - We hope he's not the guy.
- Couldn't be the guy.Copy !req
53. God, I'm starved.
I'm weak with hunger.Copy !req
54. How can you think of food
at a time like this?Copy !req
55. A time like what? I'm hungry.Copy !req
56. My stomach doesn't know
that Kramer's wanted.Copy !req
57. I told you, you should
have had breakfast.Copy !req
58. I couldn't have breakfast.
It was lunchtime.Copy !req
59. The three-hour time difference
threw me.Copy !req
60. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich.
They wouldn't serve me one...Copy !req
61. because they were only
serving breakfast.Copy !req
62. - You should've had some eggs.
- For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?Copy !req
63. Have you ever heard of egg salad?Copy !req
64. Why didn't you say something?Copy !req
65. I gotta tell you about egg salad?Copy !req
66. I need food, Jerry. I'm feeling faint.
I'm getting lightheaded.Copy !req
67. I gotta call the police.
There's a pay phone.Copy !req
68. Pay phone in L.A.
Look, it's a miracle.Copy !req
69. I have no change.
You got any change?Copy !req
70. No, I don't. I never carry change.Copy !req
71. - We need change. All I got is 20s.
- I have a 10.Copy !req
72. - So break it.
- I hate asking for change.Copy !req
73. They make a face. It's like I'm asking
them to donate a kidney.Copy !req
74. - So buy something.
- What?Copy !req
75. I don't know.
Some mints or Tic Tacs.Copy !req
76. - Breath problem?
- No. I just want some change.Copy !req
77. - Tell me.
- Your breath is fine.Copy !req
78. It's delightful. It's delicious.Copy !req
79. - You know, I haven't eaten anything.
- I just wanna call the police.Copy !req
80. Why don't you just call 911?Copy !req
81. - But is this an emergency?
- Of course it is.Copy !req
82. How is this an emergency?Copy !req
83. Your friend has been accused
of being a serial killer.Copy !req
84. I think that qualifies.Copy !req
85. All right, I'll call 911.Copy !req
86. Do you think he did it?
Could he have done it?Copy !req
87. He couldn't have done it.
How could he have?Copy !req
88. Couldn't do it. Could he?Copy !req
89. Hello, 911? How are you?Copy !req
90. I'm sorry. Just a reflex.Copy !req
91. I know it's an emergency number.
It is an emergency.Copy !req
92. My friend's been accused
of being the Smog Strangler...Copy !req
93. and I know he didn't do it.Copy !req
94. They're putting me through
to the detective in charge.Copy !req
95. Making terrific headway.Copy !req
96. What is my name? Who am I?Copy !req
97. I'm George Costanza.Copy !req
98. What's the matter?
Are you crazy?Copy !req
99. - Why are you using my name?
- Don't be a baby.Copy !req
100. - What are you scared of?
- I'm scared of the same thing you are:Copy !req
101. Everything. Why don't you
use your own name?Copy !req
102. Your name is a good name. Costanza.
Sounds like it stands for something.Copy !req
103. - They'll believe us.
- Really?Copy !req
104. - Sure.
- You think so?Copy !req
105. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
106. Yes, I have very important information
regarding the Smog Strangler.Copy !req
107. Get yourself a mint or something.Copy !req
108. Can I come in right now?Copy !req
109. I suppose.Copy !req
110. Where are you located?
Where is that?Copy !req
111. I don't know where we are.
Where are we?Copy !req
112. - I don't know
- We don't know.Copy !req
113. He says, "Ask somebody. "
Ask that guy.Copy !req
114. - Excuse me, where are we?
- Earth.Copy !req
115. Hey, you know, I'm on the phone
with the police.Copy !req
116. Some guy just gave me
a wise answer.Copy !req
117. Ask that woman.Copy !req
118. - Excuse me, what street are we on?
- I don't know.Copy !req
119. - You don't know?
- I don't know.Copy !req
120. How could you not know
what street you're on?Copy !req
121. You don't know.Copy !req
122. George, it says here on the phone.
It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard.Copy !req
123. Okay.Copy !req
124. Do we know where the 101 is?
No.Copy !req
125. Do we know where the 170 is?
No.Copy !req
126. Do we know where the 134 is?Copy !req
127. No.Copy !req
128. Okay.Copy !req
129. He's gonna send a black and white
to pick us up.Copy !req
130. - Black and white?
- Cop car.Copy !req
131. - Why didn't you just say that?
- I thought it sounded cool.Copy !req
132. - Yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.
- Oh, you are.Copy !req
133. I guarantee you Lupe's gonna tuck
your covers in.Copy !req
134. - I'll bet you. How much?
- Her tip.Copy !req
135. - You got a bet.
- Okay.Copy !req
136. How much do you tip
a chambermaid?Copy !req
137. Which one of you is Costanza?Copy !req
138. Get in.Copy !req
139. Hi. How are you?
Guys, listen...Copy !req
140. do either one of you have a mint,
or a piece of gum, or something?Copy !req
141. Hey, Jerry, do me a favour.
Close your window.Copy !req
142. Hey, get out of here.Copy !req
143. - Hey, he's fooling around back here.
- Cut it out back there.Copy !req
144. - He started it.
- I did not.Copy !req
145. You guys gonna go through
some red lights?Copy !req
146. I don't think so.Copy !req
147. - But you could.
- Oh, yeah. Of course we could.Copy !req
148. We could do anything we want.Copy !req
149. We can drive on the wrong side
of the road.Copy !req
150. We do that all the time. You should
see the looks on the people's faces.Copy !req
151. Shoot people.Copy !req
152. You guys ever shot anybody?Copy !req
153. - No.
- No.Copy !req
154. - Can I flip on the siren?
- Why bother them?Copy !req
155. I'm just asking.
All they have to do is say no.Copy !req
156. Yeah, go ahead.Copy !req
157. - Check it out.
- Can I try it?Copy !req
158. Yeah, go ahead. Hurry up.Copy !req
159. Scared the hell out of that guy.Copy !req
160. You know what I've never understood?
Why did they change the siren noise?Copy !req
161. When I was a kid, it was always:Copy !req
162. You know, and now it's:Copy !req
163. Why'd they do that?
Did they do some research?Copy !req
164. Did they find out "woo-woo"
is more effective than "waa"?Copy !req
165. Yeah, hey, what about those
English sirens, you know?Copy !req
166. Hey!Copy !req
167. I'm dizzy.Copy !req
168. - Nice shotgun.
- Thanks.Copy !req
169. - Clean as a whistle.
- You could eat off that shotgun.Copy !req
170. - What is that, a 12-gauge?
- Yeah.Copy !req
171. Twelve-gauge. Seems to be
the most popular gauge.Copy !req
172. - Big gauge. My favourite.
- Mine too. Love the 12-gauge.Copy !req
173. Makes the 11-gauge look
like a cap pistol.Copy !req
174. - What do we got over there?
- What?Copy !req
175. - I don't know.
- Looks like a possible 519.Copy !req
176. - 519? What's a 519?
- Where?Copy !req
177. - You think so?
- Looks like it.Copy !req
178. - I can't believe this. A 519?
- Where? Where? I can't see.Copy !req
179. This is car 23. We have a possible
519 in progress. Over.Copy !req
180. All right. Let's pull over
and check it out.Copy !req
181. Pull over?Copy !req
182. You can't pull over.Copy !req
183. What are you doing?
Where are you going?Copy !req
184. Pull over? The lieutenant
is waiting to see us.Copy !req
185. - Hey, hey, hey. We're in a rush here!
- We have an appointment.Copy !req
186. What are you doing?Copy !req
187. Great.Copy !req
188. There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm
cookies up there.Copy !req
189. - What kind?
- Milano.Copy !req
190. Cops eating Milanos?
What kind of crazy town is this?Copy !req
191. - Should I take some?
- I think that's a 519.Copy !req
192. I'm starving.Copy !req
193. - Spread them.
- Hey, they're busting this guy.Copy !req
194. They're cuffing him.Copy !req
195. I can't believe this.Copy !req
196. I can't believe that cops
still have to read...Copy !req
197. that whole "you have the right
to remain silent" speech...Copy !req
198. to every criminal they arrest.Copy !req
199. Is there anybody that doesn't
know that by now?Copy !req
200. Can't they go, "You're under arrest.
You ever seen a Baretta?"Copy !req
201. "Yeah."Good. Get in the car. "Copy !req
202. Hi.Copy !req
203. Hi, I'm Jerry.Copy !req
204. George. How you doing?Copy !req
205. What'd you do?Copy !req
206. - Nothing.
- Nothing.Copy !req
207. Oh, yeah, right. Me neither.
Hey, I didn't do nothing.Copy !req
208. Shut up.Copy !req
209. - Hot out.
- Brutal.Copy !req
210. What do you tip a chambermaid?Copy !req
211. I don't know. Five bucks a night.Copy !req
212. No. A dollar. Two, tops.Copy !req
213. Hey, you guys aren't cuffed.
What are you, narcs?Copy !req
214. - Narcs.
- Imagine. Us, narcs.Copy !req
215. No, no. No, actually, we're friends
of a serial killer.Copy !req
216. - Just trying to help him out.
- Really?Copy !req
217. - Yeah.
- That's very nice.Copy !req
218. - Thank you.
- Suspected serial killer.Copy !req
219. - He didn't actually do it.
- Yeah, well, we don't think.Copy !req
220. We're pretty sure.Copy !req
221. - A dollar a night?
- Yeah. That's a good tip.Copy !req
222. - That stinks.
- I read it in Ann Landers.Copy !req
223. - Ann Landers sucks!
- Hey, shut up back there.Copy !req
224. Attention, al units. Attention, al units.
Al units, code three.Copy !req
225. Al units in the area,
code three in progress.Copy !req
226. 1648 North Las Palmas. Units require
assistance in apprehension, 702.Copy !req
227. - That's the Smog Strangler.
- Kramer.Copy !req
228. - They got him.
- Let's go.Copy !req
229. We've gotta go.
Let's see what's happening.Copy !req
230. I don't know why I'm doing this.
Oh, man.Copy !req
231. Jerry. George.Copy !req
232. You're under arrest for first-degree
murder in the death of Chelsea Lange.Copy !req
233. Why'd you do it? Why'd you do it?
People wanna know, please!Copy !req
234. - What possessed you?
- Well, I don't know.Copy !req
235. - Do you have any regrets?
- How are you?Copy !req
236. Hey!Copy !req
237. Hey!Copy !req
238. - Hey, how you doing? Jerry! George!
- We're doing fine. How are you?Copy !req
239. What? Me? Fabulous.
Just fabulous.Copy !req
240. I got a lot of auditions,
a lot of callbacks.Copy !req
241. I got a lot of interest
in my movie treatment.Copy !req
242. You know, I'm in development.
I'm developing vehicles.Copy !req
243. Man, there's a lot of energy here, man.
You know, the vibe, it's powerful.Copy !req
244. I'm just swept up in it.
Yeah, I'm a player.Copy !req
245. - You're a player?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a player.Copy !req
246. Kramer, do you realize
what's going on here?Copy !req
247. Do you know why you're here?Copy !req
248. What, this? I'll be out of here
in a couple of hours.Copy !req
249. Hey, guess who I met today.
Fred Savage.Copy !req
250. Oh, nice kid. A really good kid.Copy !req
251. You know, we're talking about
doing a project together.Copy !req
252. Kramer, you've been arrested
as a serial killer.Copy !req
253. So? I'm innocent.Copy !req
254. I mean, you guys believe that
I'm innocent, don't you?Copy !req
255. Jerry? George?Copy !req
256. - Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, sure.Copy !req
257. Kramer, let's go.
Lieutenant wants to see you.Copy !req
258. Yeah, okay, yeah. All right.
Look, I'll be out of here by noon.Copy !req
259. Hey, maybe we'll have lunch
together, huh?Copy !req
260. Hey, is it all right if I talk
to them again?Copy !req
261. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
262. Help me! Oh, God, help me! Get me
out of here! George, Jerry, get me out!Copy !req
263. Get me-!Copy !req
264. I didn't kill anyone. I swear.
I swear to God!Copy !req
265. Don't you ever swear
to my God, Kramer.Copy !req
266. My God protects the innocent
and punishes evil scum like you.Copy !req
267. - Have you got that?
- You're making a mistake.Copy !req
268. No! You made a mistake, Kramer.Copy !req
269. Sickies like you always do.Copy !req
270. The only difference is this time
you're gonna pay.Copy !req
271. You might beat the gas chamber,
Kramer.Copy !req
272. But as long as I've got a breath...Copy !req
273. you will never see the light
of day again.Copy !req
274. Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got
the wrong man! It wasn't me!Copy !req
275. Yeah, right. Maybe it was one
of your other personalities.Copy !req
276. What? The wise guy, the little kid,
the bellhop, the ballplayer?Copy !req
277. Maybe the door-to-door vacuum
cleaner salesman, but not you.Copy !req
278. No, you wouldn't hurt a fly.Copy !req
279. You just couldn't help yourself,
could you, Kramer?Copy !req
280. You saw a life, brimming brightly
with optimism and verve...Copy !req
281. - ... and you just had to snuff it out.
- Can I talk to somebody?Copy !req
282. - You're not letting me explain!
- I don't want your explanations.Copy !req
283. Sure, I bet you've got
a million of them.Copy !req
284. Maybe your mom didn't love
you enough.Copy !req
285. Maybe the teacher didn't call on you
when you had your hand raised.Copy !req
286. Maybe the pervert in the park
had a present in his pants, huh?Copy !req
287. Oh, I got another theory for you.Copy !req
288. - You're a weed.
- No.Copy !req
289. - Society's filled with them.
- No.Copy !req
290. You're choking the life out
of all the pretty flowers.Copy !req
291. You see something
young and pretty...Copy !req
292. you just got to choke
the life out of it, don't you?Copy !req
293. You killed the pretty flowers,
didn't you, Kramer?Copy !req
294. You killed the pretty little flowers,
didn't you?Copy !req
295. You dirty, filthy, stinking weed!
Didn't you?Copy !req
296. I...Copy !req
297. Lieutenant, for you.Copy !req
298. Martel. Yeah.Copy !req
299. Yeah.Copy !req
300. Yeah.Copy !req
301. Yeah.Copy !req
302. - What is it, lieutenant?
- Let him go.Copy !req
303. - What? But, lieutenant-
- You heard me. Let him go.Copy !req
304. Get him out of here.Copy !req
305. They just found another body
up in Laurel Canyon.Copy !req
306. Go on, Kramer. Get out of my sight.Copy !req
307. How'd you know about
the guy in the park?Copy !req
308. I said, beat it.Copy !req
309. - What happened?
- Somebody got killed...Copy !req
310. - ... while they had me in custody.
- Really?Copy !req
311. - Hear that? Somebody else was killed.
- No kidding! Somebody else got killed?Copy !req
312. While he was in jail.
So you're free!Copy !req
313. Yes, I'm free because the murderer
struck again. Hey!Copy !req
314. So, Kramer, what are you gonna do?Copy !req
315. Do? Do?Copy !req
316. Hey, I'm doing what I do.Copy !req
317. You know, I've always done what I do.Copy !req
318. I'm doing what I do.Copy !req
319. The way I've always done it,
and the way I'll always do it.Copy !req
320. What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
321. What do you want me to say?Copy !req
322. Things haven't worked out
the way I've planned?Copy !req
323. That I'm struggling, barely able
to keep my head above water?Copy !req
324. That L.A.'s a cold place
even in the middle of summer.Copy !req
325. That it's a lonely place even when
you're stuck in traffic on the freeway?Copy !req
326. That I'm no better than
the screenwriter driving a cab...Copy !req
327. the starlet turning tricks, the
producer in a house he can't afford?Copy !req
328. Is that what you want me to say?Copy !req
329. - I'd like to hear that.
- Yeah.Copy !req
330. Well, I'm not saying that.Copy !req
331. You know, things are going
pretty well for me here.Copy !req
332. - I met a girl.
- Kramer, she was murdered.Copy !req
333. Yeah, well, you know, I wasn't looking
for a long-term relationship.Copy !req
334. - I was on TV.
- As a suspect in a serial killing.Copy !req
335. Okay, yeah, all right. You guys gotta
put a negative spin on everything.Copy !req
336. What do they put in this tuna?
Tastes like a dill. I think it's a dill.Copy !req
337. - So you're not coming back with us?
- No, I'm not ready, you know.Copy !req
338. I mean, things are starting
to happen for me.Copy !req
339. Taste this. Is this a dill?Copy !req
340. No, it's a tarragon.Copy !req
341. Listen, Kramer, I'm sorry
about that whole fight we had...Copy !req
342. about you having my apartment keys
and everything.Copy !req
343. All right.Copy !req
344. Okay, it's forgotten.Copy !req
345. - Tarragon?
- Yeah.Copy !req
346. Oh, you're crazy.Copy !req
347. - Take it easy, buddy.
- Yeah, okay.Copy !req
348. Yep, take care. Stay in touch.Copy !req
349. Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Come on, give me a hug, you guys.Copy !req
350. Kramer, my sandwich.
You're crushing my sandwich.Copy !req
351. You know, it's so nice
when it happens good.Copy !req
352. - Mint?
- No, thanks.Copy !req
353. I gotta tell you.
I'm really disappointed in Lupe.Copy !req
354. It's been three days already.
Forget about Lupe.Copy !req
355. Think she gets to take any of those
little bars of soap home?Copy !req
356. No, I don't.Copy !req
357. You'd think when they hand out the
checks, they'd throw in a few soaps.Copy !req
358. Yeah, maybe they should throw
in a couple of lamps too.Copy !req
359. I'll tell you, if I owned a company,
my employees would love me.Copy !req
360. They'd have huge pictures of me
on the walls and in their home.Copy !req
361. Like Lenin.Copy !req
362. How much did you wind up
tipping her?Copy !req
363. Oh, my God, I forgot.Copy !req
364. That's why communism didn't work.Copy !req
365. Hey!Copy !req
366. - Got any mustard? This is empty.
- Yeah, there's a new one in there.Copy !req
367. No, no. I don't like this one.
It's too yellow.Copy !req
368. - Did you know he was back?
- No.Copy !req
369. - Got any pickles?
- Help yourself.Copy !req
370. Yeah. All right.Copy !req
371. Kramer, what are you doing here?Copy !req
372. I'm getting something to eat.Copy !req
373. Kramer.Copy !req
374. Here.Copy !req
375. Authorities disclosed the latest
Smog Stranglings suspect...Copy !req
376. was apprehended this week
on an unrelated charge...Copy !req
377. but somehow managed to escape...Copy !req
378. from the police car
in which he was being held.Copy !req
379. Tobias Lehigh Nagy,
who is also wanted...Copy !req
380. in connection with unrelated
slayings in the Northwest...Copy !req
381. is still at large,
his whereabouts unknown.Copy !req
382. He is described as 5'5", bald...Copy !req
383. and reputedly
a very generous tipper.Copy !req
384. The thing about L.A. to me
that kind of threw me...Copy !req
385. was when, you know, they have
the smog alerts out there.Copy !req
386. And they actually recommend
that people stay indoors...Copy !req
387. during the smog alert.
Now, maybe I'm way off...Copy !req
388. but don't you think-?Copy !req
389. Wouldn't you assume that the air
in the house...Copy !req
390. pretty much comes from the air
in the city where the house is?Copy !req
391. What do they think?
We live in a jar...Copy !req
392. with a couple of holes
punched in the top?Copy !req
393. What the hell's going on out there?
It's very strange.Copy !req
394. Do you realize it is now possible
for parents to say to their children:Copy !req
395. "All right, kids, I want you in the house
and get some fresh air.Copy !req
396. Summer vacation.
Everybody indoors."Copy !req