1. I don't belong to a health club. I have a
limit on naked men I see in one day.Copy !req
2. Zero.Copy !req
3. That's it.Copy !req
4. What is with the high level of security
at health clubs, you know?Copy !req
5. The picture IDs. Security guards.
Signing in and out.Copy !req
6. What is this, the Kremlin?Copy !req
7. I mean, the people with a membership
go twice a year. Who's breaking in?Copy !req
8. Is this a big problem,
people stealing exercise?Copy !req
9. And what if they catch the person?
What then? They run. It's aerobic.Copy !req
10. Makes it even worse.Copy !req
11. - Hi, Jerry.
- Oh, hi, Sidra.Copy !req
12. I last about 10 minutes
on the StairMaster.Copy !req
13. Unless someone's stretching in front of
me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.Copy !req
14. - Really?
- That's why it's called the StairMaster.Copy !req
15. You get up there and you stare.Copy !req
16. Well, I'm done.
I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.Copy !req
17. I'll see you Thursday night?Copy !req
18. - Thursday night.
- Okay.Copy !req
19. Good workout?Copy !req
20. Tremendous workout.Copy !req
21. - It's a pretty girl.
- Tremendous girl.Copy !req
22. - She the one you went out with?
- Yeah. I really like her.Copy !req
23. You know, they're fake.Copy !req
24. - What? Don't say that.
- No. They're fake.Copy !req
25. - How do you know?
- I can tell.Copy !req
26. You know how you always brag
how you can spot a lesbian?Copy !req
27. I'm not bragging. I happen to
have a very keen lesbian eye.Copy !req
28. Hi, how you doing?Copy !req
29. Oh, right.Copy !req
30. Come on. Don't you think
they seem just a bit too perfect?Copy !req
31. Yes, they do.Copy !req
32. I never knew you were into breasts.
Thought you were a leg man.Copy !req
33. Leg man? Why would I be a leg man?
I don't need legs. I have legs.Copy !req
34. Have you seen her naked
in the locker room?Copy !req
35. - No.
- Then I can't accept your testimony.Copy !req
36. Maybe if you'd seen her naked.Copy !req
37. - I don't wanna see her naked.
- Well, I do.Copy !req
38. Well, that's your problem.Copy !req
39. Look, you made the allegation.
The least you could do is follow up.Copy !req
40. Jerry, what am I gonna do? Go in
there and spy on her in the sauna?Copy !req
41. Yes. Go in there. Do a little
investigative journalism.Copy !req
42. I need to know.Copy !req
43. But a few more dates,
you can find out for yourself.Copy !req
44. Don't be so sure. Look at George.Copy !req
45. He's on his ninth date with Betsy.
Still hasn't got anywhere.Copy !req
46. What's his problem?Copy !req
47. Every time he makes a move
something screws up.Copy !req
48. Their last date
they were on the couch...Copy !req
49. - ... but she was on his wrong side.
- Wrong side?Copy !req
50. Yeah, she was on his right side. He
can't make a move with his left hand.Copy !req
51. Can't go left.Copy !req
52. - He can't go left?
- No.Copy !req
53. I'm lefty. Can't go right.Copy !req
54. What about women?
They go left or right?Copy !req
55. No, we just play defence.Copy !req
56. Could I ask you a question?Copy !req
57. Would you mind switching seats?Copy !req
58. Actually, I'd really prefer to sit here.
I don't hear very well out of this ear.Copy !req
59. I always try to sit
to the right of people.Copy !req
60. I'll shout.Copy !req
61. Well, I really think
I feel more comfortable here.Copy !req
62. Come on, come on.Copy !req
63. - Come on, really. Come on.
- George, I-Copy !req
64. - Now, come on.
- No, I really-Copy !req
65. See, now is that so bad?Copy !req
66. What?Copy !req
67. - Oh, I-
- The machine will get it.Copy !req
68. No, it's not on.Copy !req
69. - They'll call back.
- George, what if it's an emergency?Copy !req
70. In the whole world right now
there's maybe three emergencies.Copy !req
71. Why would you think on this
planet that you're one of those three?Copy !req
72. George, please.Copy !req
73. Hello.Copy !req
74. What?Copy !req
75. Oh, my God.Copy !req
76. All right, maybe four.Copy !req
77. Boy, I'm realy sweating.Copy !req
78. Good sweat. Beads of sweat.
Sweating bulets.Copy !req
79. Look at her.Copy !req
80. I don't need to see her nak ed
to know those aren't real.Copy !req
81. I mean, why'd she even
tie the towel around her?Copy !req
82. She's got a rack on her chest.Copy !req
83. Oh, God.
Sidra's taking the towel off.Copy !req
84. Doctor.Copy !req
85. That's it.Copy !req
86. I knew it. I knew it.
They're definitely fak e.Copy !req
87. So when's the funeral?Copy !req
88. Oh, well.Copy !req
89. Aunt Clarice was so ill
I guess it was really a blessing.Copy !req
90. Yeah, I'll fly home
as soon as I can.Copy !req
91. Okay. You too. Get some sleep.Copy !req
92. - You're sure?
- Positive.Copy !req
93. This chick's playing
with Confederate money.Copy !req
94. Then that's it.
That's the end of that.Copy !req
95. - What? Just because that?
- Just because of that?Copy !req
96. It's like finding out
Mickey Mantle corked his bat.Copy !req
97. You've dated women with nose jobs.
What's the difference?Copy !req
98. You don't touch the nose.
You don't aspire to reach the nose.Copy !req
99. You don't unhook anything
to get to a nose...Copy !req
100. and no man has ever tried to look
up a woman's nostrils.Copy !req
101. You've put a lot of thought into this,
haven't you?Copy !req
102. Well, I take it very seriously.Copy !req
103. Sometimes when I think you're
the shallowest man I've ever met...Copy !req
104. you somehow manage
to drain a little more out of the pool.Copy !req
105. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
106. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
107. You know, I do kind of wonder
what fake breasts feel like.Copy !req
108. Well, I know what they feel like.Copy !req
109. You? How do you know?Copy !req
110. Well, I lived in Los Angeles
for three months.Copy !req
111. - I thought you hated Los Angeles.
- No, I do.Copy !req
112. Just miss
the warm weather, you know?Copy !req
113. Oh, man, I wish I could get away.Copy !req
114. Real busy now, down at the office?Copy !req
115. No. You know who I saw
at the health club?Copy !req
116. Salman Rushdie.Copy !req
117. - No.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
118. Salman Rushdie.Copy !req
119. Well, I could see that. You got
five million Moslems after you.Copy !req
120. You wanna stay
in pretty good shape.Copy !req
121. I know what the problem is.Copy !req
122. I like her too much.
That's why I can't make a move.Copy !req
123. - You put her on a pedestal.
- I put them on a dental chair.Copy !req
124. He puts them on a dental chair.Copy !req
125. I'm not her boyfriend.
I wanna be her boyfriend.Copy !req
126. It's like a sauna in here.Copy !req
127. - That's funny.
- You're a funny guy.Copy !req
128. Never heard that before.Copy !req
129. So you going to the funeral?Copy !req
130. - You think I should?
- Are you kidding?Copy !req
131. It's a golden opportunity
to advance the relationship.Copy !req
132. She's crying. You put your arm
around her and console her.Copy !req
133. You're the consolation guy.Copy !req
134. - I'm the consolation guy.
- Consolation guy is big.Copy !req
135. Her aunt dying
is the best thing for you.Copy !req
136. It's like 10 dates in one shot.Copy !req
137. This confers upon you
instant boyfriend status.Copy !req
138. The family's there.Copy !req
139. You're taking care of things. You're
getting sandwiches. You're the rock.Copy !req
140. It's in Detroit, though.
It's an expensive flight.Copy !req
141. Why don't you get a
"death in the family'fare?Copy !req
142. What?Copy !req
143. Go to the airlines. Tell them
that you have a death in the family...Copy !req
144. they give you
50 percent off the fare.Copy !req
145. - Really?
- In fact...Copy !req
146. listen, I'll go with you. We'll tell them
there's a death in my family.Copy !req
147. You buy the ticket. I'll split it.Copy !req
148. Then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll
get to Detroit for a quarter of the price.Copy !req
149. Boy, I'm getting a good sweat here.
Great sweat. Good beads. Nice beads.Copy !req
150. Oh, look who's here.
Silicon Valey.Copy !req
151. Oh, so anyway. We go out on one date,
and he asks me out for a second...Copy !req
152. and then out of nowhere he calls me,
cancels the date...Copy !req
153. and says
he doesn't wanna see me again.Copy !req
154. Sorry. I couldn't help overhearing.Copy !req
155. - Oh, that's okay.
- Did he give you a reason?Copy !req
156. Yeah. He's going back
to his old girlfriend.Copy !req
157. Really?Copy !req
158. Said she's mentally ill.Copy !req
159. He's one of those guys who is
obsessed with neatness and order.Copy !req
160. Everything has gotta be just so.
He would have made a great Nazi.Copy !req
161. Hey, does he ever
talk about Superman?Copy !req
162. - Yes. How did you know?
- I know the type.Copy !req
163. - Oh, so you can relate?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
164. You know, I've seen you around the
club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.Copy !req
165. - Oh, hi. I'm Elaine.
- Hi.Copy !req
166. Anyway, I stood up to shake her hand
and suddenly I lost my balance...Copy !req
167. - ... and I fell right into her.
- You fell on her?Copy !req
168. I touched them.Copy !req
169. You what?Copy !req
170. I touched them.Copy !req
171. You touched them?Copy !req
172. I needed them to help me
break my fall.Copy !req
173. If it hadn't been for them,
I could have really injured myself.Copy !req
174. Anyway...Copy !req
175. they're real.Copy !req
176. Excuse me.Copy !req
177. I think they might be real.Copy !req
178. Oh, what do you know? You have
no breast-touching experience.Copy !req
179. - I've touched mine.
- So have I.Copy !req
180. Oh, right, I forgot.Copy !req
181. Anyway, touching two breasts
doesn't make you an expert.Copy !req
182. All right. Anyway, I think they're real,
and if they are, they are spectacular.Copy !req
183. What are you doing to me?Copy !req
184. You see...Copy !req
185. my friend here,
his aunt passed away last-Copy !req
186. Oh, I'm very sorry.Copy !req
187. I saw her last week. She looked
healthy and peaceful but she knew.Copy !req
188. You poor thing.Copy !req
189. You don't think you could buy
the ticket yourself? Oh, no, okay.Copy !req
190. - I couldn't-
- No, please. There, there. You sit.Copy !req
191. I'll purchase the ticket for you.Copy !req
192. You're a good friend.Copy !req
193. I understand you offer a
50-percent-off bereavement fare?Copy !req
194. Yes. You have to pay the full fare now
then return to one of our counters...Copy !req
195. with a copy of the death certificate,
and we'll refund half your fare.Copy !req
196. The death certificate?Copy !req
197. Yes, we do need documentation
or people could take advantage.Copy !req
198. What kind of a sick person
would do a thing like that?Copy !req
199. I know but it happens.Copy !req
200. You want my friend to ask his uncle,
a man who lost his wife of 44 years...Copy !req
201. for a death certificate to
save a few bucks on a flight?Copy !req
202. That would be $387 round trip.Copy !req
203. - You'll need my frequent flyer number.
- Yes.Copy !req
204. I don't know.
One minute they're fake...Copy !req
205. the next they're real.
I don't know what to believe.Copy !req
206. Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only
one who's touched them.Copy !req
207. Well, you were grabbing
onto them to save your life.Copy !req
208. If you were drowning and
I threw you a life preserver...Copy !req
209. you think you could tell
me if it was an inflatable?Copy !req
210. I wouldn't have said anything if
I'd known you'd stop seeing her.Copy !req
211. I don't mind a phony personality
but I gotta draw the line somewhere.Copy !req
212. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
213. - George off to Detroit?
- Yep. And in two days...Copy !req
214. I'm off to Puerto Rico.Copy !req
215. Hey, Kramer, by the way...Copy !req
216. I saw that guy at the health club.
That is not Salman Rushdie.Copy !req
217. Wrong.Copy !req
218. - There's Sidra.
- There's Salman.Copy !req
219. - Where?
- Talking to that woman.Copy !req
220. - To Sidra?
- If that's Sidra, she's talking to Salman.Copy !req
221. - I don't think that's Salman.
- I don't think they're real.Copy !req
222. - If that's Rushdie, they're real.
- If they're real, that's Rushdie.Copy !req
223. - I gotta know. I'm talking to Sidra.
- I gotta know. I'm talking to Salman.Copy !req
224. Like a sauna in here, huh?Copy !req
225. Feel like I'm back at the desert.Copy !req
226. - You've lived in the desert?
- Oh, yeah. I've-Copy !req
227. I spent a little time
in the Mideast.Copy !req
228. You ever been to the Mideast?Copy !req
229. - Yes, I've been there.
- Look, my name's Kramer.Copy !req
230. - Sal Bass.
- Yeah.Copy !req
231. - Pleased to meet you, Kramer.
- Yeah.Copy !req
232. So...Copy !req
233. what kind of work do you do?Copy !req
234. I'm a writer.Copy !req
235. - Have you met my boyfriend, George?
- No.Copy !req
236. George, this is Aunt May
and Father Jessup.Copy !req
237. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy.Copy !req
238. This is my boyfriend, George.Copy !req
239. Oh, George, how nice of you
to come all this way.Copy !req
240. Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise,
what's the point of being the boyfriend.Copy !req
241. This is where you have to be
when you're the boyfriend.Copy !req
242. Betsy, dear,
have you had anything to eat?Copy !req
243. - I'm not very hungry.
- They have some very nice snacks.Copy !req
244. I'm about to get myself a snack.Copy !req
245. Oh, no. You sit right here.Copy !req
246. I will get you a nice snack.Copy !req
247. This is my...Copy !req
248. third wake this month.Copy !req
249. Never gets any easier.Copy !req
250. Well, losing a loved one is-Copy !req
251. I mean, forget about it.Copy !req
252. You-Copy !req
253. You seem to be of great comfort
to Betsy. We're very appreciative.Copy !req
254. Comfort "schmomfort."Copy !req
255. Listen, Father,
can I ask you a question?Copy !req
256. In a terrible time like this...Copy !req
257. who would I get the
death certificate from?Copy !req
258. - Oh, Jerry.
- Oh, how can you be so sure?Copy !req
259. Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer.
He said his name was Sal Bass.Copy !req
260. Bass, Jerry.Copy !req
261. Instead of salmon,
he went with bass.Copy !req
262. He just substituted
one fish for another.Copy !req
263. Look, you idiot, first of all,
it's "Salman,"not "salmon."Copy !req
264. Jerry, Jerry, you're missing
the big picture.Copy !req
265. All right. Maybe it is,
but listen, I gotta get ready...Copy !req
266. Sidra's coming over
so if you don't mind-Copy !req
267. - What, did you ask her?
- I'm gonna find out tonight.Copy !req
268. Yes.Copy !req
269. Why do you need
a death certificate?Copy !req
270. Well, Dr. Allenwood...Copy !req
271. I was hoping to compile an...Copy !req
272. admittedly rudimentary
scrapbook of her life.Copy !req
273. Something that Betsy
could have and hold on to.Copy !req
274. Well, I suppose I could
make a copy of it.Copy !req
275. Oh, that would be wonderful.Copy !req
276. - Well, it's nice meeting you, George.
- Likewise.Copy !req
277. What are you doing?Copy !req
278. - What?
- Did-?Copy !req
279. Did you just double dip that chip?Copy !req
280. - Excuse me?
- You double dipped the chip.Copy !req
281. Double dipped?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
282. You dipped the chip.
You took a bite...Copy !req
283. and you dipped again.Copy !req
284. - So?
- It's like putting your whole mouth...Copy !req
285. right in the dip.Copy !req
286. From now on, when you take a chip
just take one dip and end it.Copy !req
287. Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...Copy !req
288. but I don't dip that way.Copy !req
289. - Oh, you don't, huh?
- No.Copy !req
290. You dip the way you wanna dip...Copy !req
291. I'll dip the way I wanna dip.Copy !req
292. - Give me the chip.
- Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
293. Give me the chip.Copy !req
294. I don't know what I'm doing here.
I must be crazy.Copy !req
295. - Hey, you mind switching seats?
- Why?Copy !req
296. I don't know. I like sitting to the left of
people. Makes me feel like I'm driving.Copy !req
297. Okay.Copy !req
298. - How you doing?
- Good.Copy !req
299. - How you doing?
- Good.Copy !req
300. Feel good.Copy !req
301. You know that Jayne Mansfield
had some big breasts.Copy !req
302. Really big-Copy !req
303. Huge. Just coming out the top of
her dress. They were choking her.Copy !req
304. - I hear that's how she died.
- Yeah.Copy !req
305. Have you noticed
that women today are-?Copy !req
306. You know, they seem bigger.Copy !req
307. - A lot of women are having them done.
- Really?Copy !req
308. - Yeah.
- How do you like that?Copy !req
309. A lot of people ask me
if I've had mine done.Copy !req
310. You know people.Copy !req
311. Gets a little tiring.
It's none of their business.Copy !req
312. Oh, the nerve.Copy !req
313. You know some people have
asked me if you've done that.Copy !req
314. And what do you tell them?Copy !req
315. Whatever you want me
to tell them.Copy !req
316. Well, I think
you'll find out soon enough.Copy !req
317. - Aren't you gonna get that?
- No.Copy !req
318. - Well, what if it's an emergency?
- Oh, there's no emergency.Copy !req
319. Jerry. Come on.
It's an emergency.Copy !req
320. Excuse me.Copy !req
321. All right.Copy !req
322. What is it? You're interrupting.Copy !req
323. I'm packing for Puerto Rico.
I need to borrow your bathing suit.Copy !req
324. This is an emergency?
You need a bathing suit?Copy !req
325. Well, I like yours.Copy !req
326. I don't know, my bathing suit?
That's a little familiar.Copy !req
327. I don't want your boys down there.Copy !req
328. What's the matter with my boys?Copy !req
329. Your boys should stay
in their neighbourhood.Copy !req
330. - All right, come on.
- All right. It's in the top drawer.Copy !req
331. - Hurry up.
- Hey.Copy !req
332. - Hi, Jer.
- Hi, Elaine.Copy !req
333. - Oh, hi, Sidra.
- Hi. Elaine?Copy !req
334. - What are you doing here?
- Looking for Kramer.Copy !req
335. - What's going on?
- She was just...Copy !req
336. showing me pictures
of places in Puerto Rico.Copy !req
337. - When you two went down there.
- Oh, yeah. All right.Copy !req
338. - Well, just-
- You know, these-Copy !req
339. - Yeah, yeah.
- All right.Copy !req
340. So where were we?Copy !req
341. - I was just leaving.
- Right. You were leaving.Copy !req
342. I can't believe you sent a woman
into the sauna to do that?Copy !req
343. That was an accident.Copy !req
344. I think you're both mentally ill.Copy !req
345. And by the way, they're real
and they're spectacular.Copy !req
346. Stop it, George. Get out. Get out!
I never wanna see you again.Copy !req
347. - Go back to New York.
- Get out.Copy !req
348. All right, sir. Now all I need is a death
certificate and you'll be on your way.Copy !req
349. Well, you see
what happened was...Copy !req
350. the doctor, the very same doctor that
was attending my late aunt suffered...Copy !req
351. an untimely stroke...Copy !req
352. and lost the use
of his right hand so...Copy !req
353. obviously I was unable to get
the death certificate.Copy !req
354. However, I do have this.Copy !req
355. What's this?
- A picture of me next to the coffin.Copy !req
356. - Nice try.
- Not even close, huh?Copy !req
357. No.Copy !req
358. The cosmetic surgery procedures
that are available to people today-Copy !req
359. Liposuction.
Are you familiar with this?Copy !req
360. This is a fat-sucking machine.Copy !req
361. Now, you know, somewhere,
somebody is working on a way...Copy !req
362. that this thing could go
into a restaurant.Copy !req
363. And you could just
order it off the menu.Copy !req
364. Give me the cheesecake,
crank me up to nine...Copy !req
365. and put a scoop of ice cream
on the side.Copy !req