1. The life expectancy now is 72,
I think, for men.Copy !req
2. Seventy-five or six
or something for women.Copy !req
3. It's amazing to think that
a couple thousand years ago...Copy !req
4. life expectancy was 30.Copy !req
5. Which, in our terms, would mean you
get your driver's license around 5...Copy !req
6. you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15.Copy !req
7. In your late teens,
you move down to Florida.Copy !req
8. I guess that's how spring break
got started. I don't know.Copy !req
9. And eventually people
say things about you, like:Copy !req
10. "Well, it's amazing, he's 28,
but he's still very alert.Copy !req
11. His mind is so sharp, you would think
you're talking to a 2-year-old."Copy !req
12. What's the point?Copy !req
13. When I like them, they don't like me.
When they like me, I don't like them.Copy !req
14. Why can't I act with ones I like
the way I do with ones I don't?Copy !req
15. Well, you've only got another 50 years
or so to go and it'll all be over.Copy !req
16. Maybe I need someone
who doesn't speak English.Copy !req
17. Yeah, how about a mute?Copy !req
18. A mute would be good.Copy !req
19. Where you gonna meet a mute?Copy !req
20. This is what my life has come to:
Trying to meet a mute.Copy !req
21. I don't know, Jerry.
Something's missing.Copy !req
22. There's a void, Jerry.
There's a void.Copy !req
23. A deep, yawning chasm.Copy !req
24. Well, there's gotta be more to life
than this.Copy !req
25. What gives you pleasure?Copy !req
26. Listening to you.Copy !req
27. I listen to this for 15 minutes,
I'm on top of the world.Copy !req
28. Your misery is my pleasure.Copy !req
29. - Hey, boys.
- Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
30. Good. Okay. Well, it's all set.
I start tomorrow.Copy !req
31. - Start what?
- I signed up to do volunteer work...Copy !req
32. - ... with senior citizens.
- Really?Copy !req
33. Yeah. God. I can't tell you how I feel.Copy !req
34. I mean, I feel so good.
I really feel good.Copy !req
35. The strange thing is, I mean,
I haven't even met the woman yet.Copy !req
36. - Volunteer work?
- What are you gonna do down there?Copy !req
37. They say all it is is you go
over to their apartment and...Copy !req
38. you take them out for a walk
and you get a cup of coffee...Copy !req
39. and it's supposed
to make them feel good.Copy !req
40. That's what I do with him.Copy !req
41. Wait. When did you get this idea?Copy !req
42. Last time I had lunch with you here.Copy !req
43. You were going on and on and on
about how you wanna...Copy !req
44. meet somebody
who didn't speak English.Copy !req
45. What, do you break it in with her
then you try it out on me?Copy !req
46. - And anybody could do this?
- Yeah.Copy !req
47. Really?Copy !req
48. Helping people.Copy !req
49. Of course.Copy !req
50. Of course.Copy !req
51. It makes perfect sense.Copy !req
52. How could I not be doing this?Copy !req
53. - I am gonna help somebody, damn it.
- What about you?Copy !req
54. No, it's not for me.Copy !req
55. Jerry, if anybody should
be doing this, it's you.Copy !req
56. What kind of a person are you?Copy !req
57. I think I'm pretty much like you.Copy !req
58. Only successful.Copy !req
59. This is a wonderful thing.
They're so grateful...Copy !req
60. to have someone to talk to.Copy !req
61. And I can tell you
that everyone who participates...Copy !req
62. finds the experience
extremely rewarding.Copy !req
63. Well, I feel better already.Copy !req
64. I mean, I'm feeling like
a good person.Copy !req
65. - Good luck.
- Thank you.Copy !req
66. Thank you.Copy !req
67. Hey, hey, what's your guy's
name again?Copy !req
68. Fields. Sidney Fields.Copy !req
69. Eighty-seven years old.
Eighty-seven.Copy !req
70. - How about your guy?
- Ben Cantwell, 85.Copy !req
71. You think we'll make it to that age?Copy !req
72. We? No.Copy !req
73. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
74. So, what's up, diggety-dog?Copy !req
75. George and I just signed up with
the senior citizens volunteer agency.Copy !req
76. Same thing Elaine's doing.Copy !req
77. Oh, that's too bad.Copy !req
78. Don't say I didn't try to warn you.Copy !req
79. - What are you talking about?
- Oh, Jerry, I'm surprised at you.Copy !req
80. - What?
- It's a con.Copy !req
81. These agencies are usually a front
for some money-laundering scheme.Copy !req
82. Or they're bunco artists.Copy !req
83. Bilking people out of their life savings.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
84. - Where do you get this?
- The alternative media, Jerry.Copy !req
85. That's where you hear the truth.Copy !req
86. Kramer? Kramer?Copy !req
87. Kramer! Where are you? Kramer!Copy !req
88. Come on, I'm in here. Come on.Copy !req
89. - There you are.
- Yeah.Copy !req
90. Hello, Newman.Copy !req
91. Jerry. George. So did you ask him
about the records?Copy !req
92. - Well-
- What records?Copy !req
93. Newman and I are going partners,
selling used records.Copy !req
94. You know Ron's Records
down on Bleecker?Copy !req
95. They pay big cash for used records.Copy !req
96. So we thought if you had any
of those big...Copy !req
97. old-fashioned useless records
just lying around, you know-Copy !req
98. We'd take them off your hands. Free.Copy !req
99. Let me ask you something.
What do you do for a living, Newman?Copy !req
100. I'm a United States postal worker.Copy !req
101. Aren't those the guys
that always go crazy...Copy !req
102. and come back with a gun
and shoot everybody?Copy !req
103. Sometimes.Copy !req
104. - Why is that?
- Because the mail never stops.Copy !req
105. It just keeps coming and coming
and coming.Copy !req
106. Never a letup. It's relentless.Copy !req
107. Every day it piles up more and more
and you gotta get it out...Copy !req
108. but more keeps coming in!Copy !req
109. Then the bar code reader breaks,
and it's Publishers Clearing House day!Copy !req
110. All right, all right, all right.Copy !req
111. Just take the records.
They're in the bedroom. Take them.Copy !req
112. - Take anything you want.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
113. I'll give you 5 bucks.Copy !req
114. - Five bucks?
- Five bucks?Copy !req
115. - Do you know what those are worth?
- Yeah, I do. Five dollars.Copy !req
116. Those records are worth more
than 5 dollars.Copy !req
117. - He's gypping us.
- You're gypping us.Copy !req
118. Well, what do you got? You know,
you got Don Ho Live In Hono/u/u.Copy !req
119. You got Jerry Va/e
Sings Ita/ian Love Songs.Copy !req
120. And you got Sergio Mendes.
Now, come on!Copy !req
121. Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes
has a cult following.Copy !req
122. Why, they follow him like a cult.Copy !req
123. Can't walk down the street
in South America.Copy !req
124. Look, that's his problem, all right?
Now, you don't like it? Too bad.Copy !req
125. - I don't like it.
- I don't like it.Copy !req
126. Then get out of my store, all right?Copy !req
127. You bring me something decent,
I'll give you some money.Copy !req
128. - All right, we'll be back, Jack.
- All right.Copy !req
129. - Come on.
- We'll be back...Copy !req
130. Jack.Copy !req
131. Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
The agency sent me.Copy !req
132. - Agency?
- Yeah. Is this Sid Fields' residence?Copy !req
133. - Sid Fields?
- What the hell is it?Copy !req
134. - Mr. Fields?
- What?Copy !req
135. Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
The agency sent me.Copy !req
136. The agency? What agency?
The CIA?Copy !req
137. - No, no, the senior-
- Who let you in here?Copy !req
138. - The woman.
- Oh, her.Copy !req
139. She steals from me. Steals my money.
She says she doesn't speak English.Copy !req
140. My ass, she doesn't speak English.Copy !req
141. Plays that freaking voodoo music.Copy !req
142. Tries to hypnotize me.Copy !req
143. She thinks she's gonna turn me
into a zombie...Copy !req
144. and then rob me blind.Copy !req
145. Well, I wasn't born yesterday.Copy !req
146. I might drop dead today, but I
sure as hell wasn't born yesterday.Copy !req
147. Now, get the hell out of my house.Copy !req
148. But, Mr. Fields, I'm here
to spend some time with you.Copy !req
149. Oh, really?Copy !req
150. Are you the boyfriend?
I know she's got a boyfriend.Copy !req
151. Are you gonna kill me?
I'm an old man, for crying out loud.Copy !req
152. You gonna kill an old man,
you coward?Copy !req
153. No, Mr. Fields. Look. Really. I'm-
Here's my ident-Copy !req
154. I can't read that, you fool.Copy !req
155. - Well, what's all this stuff?
- Trash. Garbage.Copy !req
156. You're throwing this out?Copy !req
157. I believe that's what you do
with garbage, you idiot.Copy !req
158. Really? You don't want any of this?Copy !req
159. Well, if I wanted it, I wouldn't be
throwing it away, would I, Einstein?Copy !req
160. I have friends that would really love
to have these.Copy !req
161. Well, take it. I sure as hell am not
gonna give it to my family.Copy !req
162. Well, do you wanna go out and go
for a walk, get a cup of coffee?Copy !req
163. With you?Copy !req
164. I'd rather be dead.Copy !req
165. Well, maybe I'll get going, then.Copy !req
166. I just remembered I got
an appointment to get my tonsils out.Copy !req
167. Good. Thank God. Good riddance.Copy !req
168. Oh, listen, before you go...Copy !req
169. would you mind
changing my diaper?Copy !req
170. Oh, I feel great for 85.Copy !req
171. You know, the average life span
for an American male is, like, 72.Copy !req
172. You're really...Copy !req
173. kind of pushing
the envelope there.Copy !req
174. I'm not afraid to die,
and I never think about it.Copy !req
175. You don't?Copy !req
176. Boy, I think about it a lot.Copy !req
177. I think about it at my age.Copy !req
178. Imagine how much
I'll be thinking about it at your age.Copy !req
179. All I'll do is keep thinking about it
till it drives me insane.Copy !req
180. I'm grateful for
every moment I have.Copy !req
181. Grateful?Copy !req
182. How can you be grateful
when you're so close to the end?Copy !req
183. When you know that any second:Copy !req
184. It could all be over.
I mean, you're not stupid.Copy !req
185. You can read the handwriting
on the wall.Copy !req
186. It's a matter of simple arithmetic,
for God's sake.Copy !req
187. I guess I just don't care.Copy !req
188. What are you talking about?Copy !req
189. How can you sit there
and look me in the eye...Copy !req
190. and tell me that you're not worried?
Don't you have any sense?Copy !req
191. Don't you have a brain?Copy !req
192. Are you so completely senile
you don't even know...Copy !req
193. what you're talking about
anymore?Copy !req
194. Wait a second.
Where are you going?Copy !req
195. Life's too short to waste on you.Copy !req
196. - Whoa, whoa, please.
- Get out of my way.Copy !req
197. But, Mr. Cantwell,
you owe me for the soup.Copy !req
198. - Mrs. Oliver?
- Yes, my dear?Copy !req
199. - What's the trouble? Are you all right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
200. Yeah- Yes. Yeah.Copy !req
201. It's my goitre, isn't it?Copy !req
202. Did you say goitre? What goitre?Copy !req
203. This football-shaped lump
jutting out the side of my neck.Copy !req
204. That goitre.Copy !req
205. Hey.Copy !req
206. What do you know?Copy !req
207. Does it bother you?Copy !req
208. Bother me?Copy !req
209. Why would a little goitre like that
bother me?Copy !req
210. No. Not a bit. It's nothing.
It's nothing. It's...Copy !req
211. In fact, it's very distinctive.
You know?Copy !req
212. I mean, you wanna
know something?Copy !req
213. I wish I had one.Copy !req
214. Really.Copy !req
215. Come on, E/aine, it's just a goitre.Copy !req
216. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I can't look the woman in the face.Copy !req
217. I mean, I keep thinking that goitre's
gonna start talking to me.Copy !req
218. You'd think that they'd mention that
before they sent you over there.Copy !req
219. "Oh, by the way, this woman
almost has a second head."Copy !req
220. But no, no.
I didn't get any goitre information.Copy !req
221. They really should mention that in the
breakdown. Height. Weight. Goitre.Copy !req
222. You know, you try to do some good.Copy !req
223. You wanna be a good person,
but this is too much to ask.Copy !req
224. Well, I'd rather talk to a goitre
with a nice disposition...Copy !req
225. than the nut they sent me to.Copy !req
226. Georgie, what happened
with your guy?Copy !req
227. I don't think it's gonna work out.Copy !req
228. - What do you mean?
- He fired me.Copy !req
229. He fired you?Copy !req
230. How do you get fired
from a volunteer job?Copy !req
231. I don't know. I was just talking
to the man, and he walked out on me.Copy !req
232. Well, I don't know about you two,
but I'm quitting.Copy !req
233. I hate my guy.Copy !req
234. He's a mean, mean guy.Copy !req
235. - I wish I could quit.
- So quit.Copy !req
236. Yeah, I'm a great quitter.Copy !req
237. It's one of the few things I do well.Copy !req
238. I come from a long line of quitters.Copy !req
239. My father was a quitter.
My grandfather was a quitter.Copy !req
240. I was raised to give up.Copy !req
241. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
242. Well, here's your albums.Copy !req
243. - What happened?
- Five dollars.Copy !req
244. - He offered us 5 dollars.
- What kind of stuff you listening to?Copy !req
245. You embarrassed me at that store.Copy !req
246. That guy thought we were
a couple of total squares.Copy !req
247. Oh, yeah,
you and your Sergio Mendes.Copy !req
248. Hey, that guy can't even go
to the bathroom in South America.Copy !req
249. You should have seen the albums...Copy !req
250. this old guy I was visiting today
was throwing away.Copy !req
251. Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson,
Benny Goodman.Copy !req
252. - Wait, he's throwing them out?
- I asked if my friends could have them.Copy !req
253. - He said, "Yeah."
- The coot's sitting...Copy !req
254. - ... on a mountain of gold.
- Yeah.Copy !req
255. You have to get them.
I'm not carrying them.Copy !req
256. - But you're gonna come.
- Yeah. I'm going there today.Copy !req
257. In fact, you should see
this housekeeper.Copy !req
258. She's from Senegal.Copy !req
259. Wild, wild stuff.Copy !req
260. Senegal?Copy !req
261. So you don't speak
any English at all?Copy !req
262. - English? No.
- No.Copy !req
263. Hey, what are those bums
doing back there?Copy !req
264. You said they could come
and take the records.Copy !req
265. It's like watching a couple of hyenas
going through the garbage.Copy !req
266. - You don't speak any English?
- No English.Copy !req
267. I would like to dip my bald head in oil
and rub it all over your body.Copy !req
268. You don't understand.Copy !req
269. It's a miracle.Copy !req
270. You don't understand
because you don't speak English.Copy !req
271. So I just don't know
if this arrangement-Copy !req
272. Hey. Hey. I don't like
what's going on around here.Copy !req
273. - I want all of you bums out of here.
- Calm down-Copy !req
274. - Don't tell me to calm down.
- Please-Copy !req
275. - Get your hands off me.
- Cool it, pops.Copy !req
276. - Why, you little-
- Wait, wait, Mr. Fields.Copy !req
277. He's biting me!Copy !req
278. My teeth. My teeth!Copy !req
279. Where's his teeth?
Where's his teeth?Copy !req
280. I saw something fly over here.Copy !req
281. Well, turn the light on.Copy !req
282. That's the garbage disposal.Copy !req
283. My teeth. You idiots.Copy !req
284. Well, we'll take you to your dentist.
Where's your dentist?Copy !req
285. - Downtown.
- All right.Copy !req
286. George, Kramer, look after Mr. Fields.
I'll go get the cab.Copy !req
287. Bunch of morons.Copy !req
288. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Where's the old man?Copy !req
289. I thought George
was keeping an eye on him.Copy !req
290. - Me? I thought you were.
- Come on, we lost the old man.Copy !req
291. Let's go. Get out of the car.
Go. We've gotta find him.Copy !req
292. He can't have gotten far.Copy !req
293. And we would take
long automobile trips.Copy !req
294. - Well, that sounds like a lot of fun.
- Yes, and...Copy !req
295. just staring out the window...Copy !req
296. you'd see a long view
of rolling pastures and...Copy !req
297. - Get you going, right there.
- ... and very big Brahman cows and...Copy !req
298. - Oh, cows? Oh, that's...
- Yeah, that was when...Copy !req
299. - ... fascinating.
- ... I began my affair with Mohandas.Copy !req
300. - What?
- Mohandas.Copy !req
301. Gandhi?Copy !req
302. The passion.Copy !req
303. The forbidden pleasure.Copy !req
304. You had an affair with Gandhi?Copy !req
305. He used to dip his bald head in oil...Copy !req
306. and he'd rub it all over my body.Copy !req
307. Here. Look.Copy !req
308. Oh, my God.Copy !req
309. The Mahatma?Copy !req
310. - We're looking for the old man.
- Oh, we will. We will.Copy !req
311. Twenty bucks.Copy !req
312. Twenty bucks?
Are you out of your mind?Copy !req
313. - Take it or leave it.
- We got Al Jolson here. Al Jolson!Copy !req
314. Al Jolson. What the hell do I care
about Al Jolson?Copy !req
315. I'd just as soon hear
you sing "Mammy."Copy !req
316. This guy is nothing
but a piece of crap.Copy !req
317. You are nothing but a piece of crap.Copy !req
318. What did you call me?Copy !req
319. - A piece of crap.
- A piece of crap.Copy !req
320. - I find you extremely ugly.
- I find you extremely ugly.Copy !req
321. - Do you?
- You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.Copy !req
322. - You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.
- Oh, is that right?Copy !req
323. - I loathe you.
- I loathe you.Copy !req
324. That's it. Get out of my store.Copy !req
325. - Make us.
- Make us. Make us. Make us.Copy !req
326. - I'll make you.
- Wait a minute. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
327. Do you realize how irresponsible
this is?Copy !req
328. Our agency's sole purpose
is to care for senior citizens.Copy !req
329. And in one fell swoop
you have single-handedly...Copy !req
330. destroyed our reputation.Copy !req
331. Yes, but...Copy !req
332. - Yes?
- It's Tim Fields. Mr. Fields' son.Copy !req
333. All right, come on up.Copy !req
334. Oh, great.Copy !req
335. I don't know what happened.
We tried to take him to the dentist.Copy !req
336. Why were you taking him
to the dentist?Copy !req
337. Well, his false teeth got mangled up
in the garbage disposal.Copy !req
338. What were his teeth doing
in the garbage disposal?Copy !req
339. - Well, after he bit my friend-
- Bit your friend?Copy !req
340. What the hell is going on here?
How do you lose a human being?Copy !req
341. - I am sorry.
- And who were these other people?Copy !req
342. What were they doing
in the apartment?Copy !req
343. Well, I brought them up there
to take his records.Copy !req
344. Take his records?Copy !req
345. Do you realize how valuable
that record collection is?Copy !req
346. - Hey!
- There you are. Did you find him?Copy !req
347. No.Copy !req
348. We took the records over to Ron's,
and he tried to screw us...Copy !req
349. - ... and then we got in a fight.
- A real melee.Copy !req
350. Yeah, a real brouhaha.Copy !req
351. - Then all the records broke.
- The records? My father's records?Copy !req
352. - Did anybody try and call him?
- Yeah, I called, but there's no answer.Copy !req
353. Well, the line's busy now.Copy !req
354. The line's busy. He must be home.Copy !req
355. We...Copy !req
356. We couldn't find him.Copy !req
357. What the hell's the point?Copy !req
358. When you like them,
they don't like you...Copy !req
359. and when they like you,
you don't like them.Copy !req
360. Oh, you don't know what you want.Copy !req
361. You should see a psychiatrist.Copy !req
362. I got fixed up last week.Copy !req
363. I never would get fixed up.Copy !req
364. I go to pick her up,
and she opens the door...Copy !req
365. and she's got this huge goitre
growing out of the side of her neck.Copy !req
366. Looked like a football.Copy !req
367. - What did you do?
- Well, we get to talking...Copy !req
368. and as it turns out,
the woman knew Gandhi.Copy !req
369. We talked for hours.Copy !req
370. Well, are you gonna see her again?Copy !req
371. We were getting along real good...Copy !req
372. and then she made some tea.Copy !req
373. Put some milk in it
without asking me.Copy !req
374. Now, that's a turnoff.Copy !req
375. You don't need that.Copy !req
376. The thing about old people...Copy !req
377. is everything about them
gets smaller.Copy !req
378. You know, their bodies get smaller.
They move into smaller places.Copy !req
379. They sleep less time,
they eat smaller meals.Copy !req
380. Except the car. The older they get,
the bigger their car gets.Copy !req
381. I've never understood that.Copy !req
382. Old people have a way
of backing out of the driveway.Copy !req
383. Know what I mean?
They don't turn side to side.Copy !req
384. They just go, "I'm old.
I've been waiting a long time.Copy !req
385. I'm backing it out."You know?
"I'm coming back.Copy !req
386. Watch out. I'm coming,"you know.
And you've gotta watch out for them.Copy !req
387. And then once they get out there
they drive so slowly.Copy !req
388. I would think the less time
you have in life...Copy !req
389. the faster you would wanna go.Copy !req
390. I think old people should be allowed
to drive their age.Copy !req
391. If you're 80, do 80.Copy !req
392. If you're 100, go 100.Copy !req
393. They can't see where they're going
anyway, let them have fun out there.Copy !req