1. The age-gap hiring policy
at movie theatres:Copy !req
2. They never hire anyone
between the ages of 15 and 80.Copy !req
3. Know what I mean? The girl
that sells you the tickets, she's 10.Copy !req
4. Then there's the guy that rips it,
he's 102.Copy !req
5. What happened in the middle?
Couldn't find anybody?Copy !req
6. It's like they want to show you
how life comes full circle.Copy !req
7. You're 15. You sell tickets. You leave.Copy !req
8. You go out, you have a family, kids,
marriage, career, grandchildren.Copy !req
9. Eighty years later,
you're at the same theatre...Copy !req
10. 3 feet away, ripping tickets.Copy !req
11. Took you 80 years
to move 3 feet.Copy !req
12. The show's delayed? Why?Copy !req
13. I don't know. Diane told me
to hold it for 15 minutes.Copy !req
14. But I got this all timed out.Copy !req
15. I got another spot across town at 9:50.
I'm not gonna make it.Copy !req
16. - I hear you, guy.
- I'm doing Letterman Monday.Copy !req
17. You know, I gotta work out
the material.Copy !req
18. Let me see what I can do.Copy !req
19. Oh, no, Buckles? You're not putting
him on tonight, are you?Copy !req
20. No. He hangs around in case
somebody drops out.Copy !req
21. Look, why don't you come back
and do the 11:00 spot.Copy !req
22. I was supposed to meet my friends
to see this movie Checkmate at 10:30.Copy !req
23. All right, forget the movie.
I'll do the 11:00 spot. I'll be back.Copy !req
24. - Hey, Jer.
- Hey.Copy !req
25. Excuse me. Do you have a ticket?Copy !req
26. - No.
- Okay. Good.Copy !req
27. You missed your spot. It was 9:15.Copy !req
28. But, Maurice, I'm positive
you told me 9:50.Copy !req
29. In any event, I had no alternative
but to reassign your spot...Copy !req
30. to one of your peers who possesses
a clearer understanding...Copy !req
31. of our scheduling policies.Copy !req
32. - Jerry!
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
33. Hey, do you think this is funny?Copy !req
34. Why do they call it "athlete's foot"?
You don't have to be an athlete to get it.Copy !req
35. I mean, my father gets it all the time
and, believe me, he's no athlete.Copy !req
36. - I gotta go.
- Where?Copy !req
37. - The movies.
- You told Kernis...Copy !req
38. you were going back
to do the 11:00.Copy !req
39. I'm gonna stop by
and tell my friends I can't make it.Copy !req
40. - Cool. I'll split a cab with you.
- I could be a while over there.Copy !req
41. I got time. It'll give us a chance to
get to know each other a little better.Copy !req
42. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
43. - Where is everybody?
- Everybody's late.Copy !req
44. Because they know
I'll get in line early.Copy !req
45. I've been dying to see Checkmate.Copy !req
46. Well, if it's as good as
Ponce de León, I'll be happy.Copy !req
47. Ponce de León? Are you kidding me?
I hated that movie.Copy !req
48. Ponce de León?
But that was great.Copy !req
49. Oh, come on.Copy !req
50. That fountain of youth scene at the end
where they're splashing around...Copy !req
51. and they go running to the mirror
to see if it really worked.Copy !req
52. I mean, come on.Copy !req
53. It's so stupid.Copy !req
54. Let me tell you something:Copy !req
55. When Ponce looked in that mirror
and saw that he hadn't changed...Copy !req
56. and that tear started to roll
down his cheek, I lost it.Copy !req
57. - There you are.
- Where have you been?Copy !req
58. Around the corner
at the Paradise Twin.Copy !req
59. - Well, I told you the Paragon.
- No, you said Paradise.Copy !req
60. - It's playing there too.
- No. I would not have said Paradise.Copy !req
61. That's a twin theatre. I want to see
this movie on a big screen.Copy !req
62. I'm gonna get a hot dog
at Papaya King.Copy !req
63. - You'll never make it back in time.
- I haven't had any dinner.Copy !req
64. You can get one at the theatre.Copy !req
65. I don't want a movie dog.
I want a Papaya King hot dog.Copy !req
66. Jerry is gonna be here any second.Copy !req
67. Then this line's gonna start moving,
and we'll end up in the front row.Copy !req
68. - Save me a seat.
- No, I don't wanna save seats.Copy !req
69. Don't put me through that.Copy !req
70. I had the fleece ripped out
of my winter coat...Copy !req
71. in a seat-saving incident.Copy !req
72. - Give me my ticket, then.
- I don't have them yet.Copy !req
73. You don't have them yet?Copy !req
74. Well, I'm in line to buy.Copy !req
75. No, George,
this is a ticket-holders' line.Copy !req
76. No, it's not.
It's the ticket-buyers' line.Copy !req
77. - How come we're not moving?
- Good question.Copy !req
78. Is this the ticket-holders' line
or the buyers'?Copy !req
79. Holders'.Copy !req
80. When I asked you before
if you had a ticket, you said no.Copy !req
81. I didn't. My friend was getting it.Copy !req
82. That's good.
It's good to be accurate.Copy !req
83. Stay here. I'll go get tickets.Copy !req
84. - Can you believe him?
- He spaced out.Copy !req
85. And how long would you have stood in
the ticket-holders' line? Yeah, exactly.Copy !req
86. It's sold out.Copy !req
87. Oh, real good, George.
Real good.Copy !req
88. Hey, I asked the guy
if he had a ticket.Copy !req
89. - All right, what time is it?
- Twenty after 10.Copy !req
90. They got one at the
Paradise at 10:45.Copy !req
91. No, I don't wanna go to
a miniplex multi-theatre.Copy !req
92. It's the same movie.
What's the difference?Copy !req
93. No, it's not a theatre.Copy !req
94. It's a room where they bring in POWs
to show them propaganda films.Copy !req
95. All right, I'm going.Copy !req
96. - It's in Dolby.
- Well, what about Jerry?Copy !req
97. You get the tickets. I'll wait for him.Copy !req
98. - Terrific. All right, come on.
- All right.Copy !req
99. So then, when I was 12,
the whole family moved...Copy !req
100. from Bensonhurst
to Sheepshead Bay.Copy !req
101. We were right on the water.Copy !req
102. The whole atmosphere
stunk from fish.Copy !req
103. You know that fishy smell
I'm talking about?Copy !req
104. Yeah, yeah. The fishy smell.Copy !req
105. To this day I won't eat fish.Copy !req
106. - Do you eat fish?
- Yes! Yes, I eat fish!Copy !req
107. - I don't know how you eat that crap.
- Take the Park.Copy !req
108. No, no, take 55th.
No, there's beautiful homes there.Copy !req
109. There's lovely, talented,
attractive people. You'll thank me.Copy !req
110. Jerry, I want you to do me a favour:Copy !req
111. No more fish.Copy !req
112. Okay. I get your point.Copy !req
113. I have a point?Copy !req
114. - Got them.
- Beautiful.Copy !req
115. Hey, you know what else
is playing here?Copy !req
116. Rochele Rochele.Copy !req
117. - I wouldn't mind seeing that.
- Yeah.Copy !req
118. Men can sit through the most
pointless, boring movie...Copy !req
119. if there's the slightest possibility
that a woman will take her top off.Copy !req
120. So, what's your point?Copy !req
121. By the way, you owe me $7.50.Copy !req
122. - All right. Can you break a 20?
- No. I don't have any change.Copy !req
123. Well, then I'll pay you later.Copy !req
124. Or I could take the 20,
and I could pay you later.Copy !req
125. Yeah, you could.Copy !req
126. Might be easier.Copy !req
127. Well, how's that easier? I mean,
then you would owe me $12.50...Copy !req
128. instead of me owing you $7.50.Copy !req
129. - Either way.
- Yeah, it's the same thing.Copy !req
130. So can I have it?Copy !req
131. I tell you what, I'll get
the popcorn and the soda.Copy !req
132. What do you mean,
you'll get the popcorn and the soda?Copy !req
133. I will buy your popcorn and soda,
and we'll call it even.Copy !req
134. Tell you what. Give me the 20,
I'll buy you a popcorn and soda...Copy !req
135. - ... and I'll throw in a bonbons.
- George, you're sapping my strength.Copy !req
136. Come on. Go.Copy !req
137. What about Kramer and Jerry?Copy !req
138. I'll wait here for them.
You go save seats.Copy !req
139. Me? But that's three seats.
I can't save three seats.Copy !req
140. I told you about that guy
who tore my coat.Copy !req
141. - Save them, go.
- No, but George...Copy !req
142. Fifty-Fifth Street. Great idea.Copy !req
143. Saturday night, theatre traffic.
Good move.Copy !req
144. I wonder how Ike Turner
would react in traffic.Copy !req
145. "You better move that car, girl,
before I bust you up."Copy !req
146. And what about Jose Feliciano?Copy !req
147. "It's not bad enough that I can't see,
I have to sit here for two hours.Copy !req
148. I don't think so."Copy !req
149. It can be anybody. People down
through history reacting in traffic.Copy !req
150. Franklin Roosevelt:Copy !req
151. - "Driver-"
- All right, all right. I got the bit.Copy !req
152. Jerry, I want you to have
this piece of material.Copy !req
153. That's nice of you. I can't do voices.Copy !req
154. Jerry, don't start up with me.Copy !req
155. I gotta get out of this cab.Copy !req
156. But, Jerry, we're riffing.Copy !req
157. No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring.
Do you understand the difference?Copy !req
158. Can you help me
get on The Tonight Show?Copy !req
159. - No, these are saved.
- All of them?Copy !req
160. - You can't take four seats.
- What, is that a rule?Copy !req
161. - Are these your things?
- Yeah.Copy !req
162. I can't wait anymore.
I'm gonna miss the beginning.Copy !req
163. Well, we'll take these seats.
Would you please remove your stuff?Copy !req
164. - No, no, they'll be here.
- But I am here. They are not.Copy !req
165. They're coming. Listen,
run over to the Paragon...Copy !req
166. and give Kramer the two tickets
so they can come in.Copy !req
167. These are taken. Taken.Copy !req
168. If you hurry,
you won't miss the beginning.Copy !req
169. You go, and I could save the seats.
You don't like saving anyway.Copy !req
170. No, taken! Taken, taken.
I'm getting the hang of it.Copy !req
171. Why don't you give me the 20,
I'll stop and get change...Copy !req
172. and then you and I can settle up.Copy !req
173. Can we do this later, George?Copy !req
174. What's the point of discussing it.Copy !req
175. You'll give me the money
when you have it.Copy !req
176. I trust you.Copy !req
177. Will you do me a favour? You see a guy
who's about 5 foot 11...Copy !req
178. he's got a big head
and flared nostrils...Copy !req
179. tell him his friend's gonna be
right back, okay?Copy !req
180. No, I'm sorry. These are taken.Copy !req
181. They're in the lobby buying popcorn.Copy !req
182. What are you doing?
These are taken!Copy !req
183. - Which one?
- These two and this one.Copy !req
184. No, don't come over here! These
are taken. Go! Go! These are taken.Copy !req
185. They're taken! They're taken!Copy !req
186. Oh, take them.Copy !req
187. Excuse me, have you seen a guy with...Copy !req
188. a horse face, big teeth
and a pointed nose?Copy !req
189. - Flared nostrils?
- Yeah.Copy !req
190. Nope. Haven't seen him.Copy !req
191. Jerry, could you do me
a personal favour?Copy !req
192. And if I'm out of line,
please let me know.Copy !req
193. Could I keep my trench coat
in your closet for a few months?Copy !req
194. Your trench coat in my closet?Copy !req
195. Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills.Copy !req
196. I'm afraid to open the door.Copy !req
197. Just for a few months.Copy !req
198. It'll make all the difference
in the world.Copy !req
199. I can't keep your coat in my closet.Copy !req
200. - I'm sorry you feel that way.
- That's how I feel.Copy !req
201. Hey, your friends aren't here.Copy !req
202. They must be inside. I'm gonna run in,
tell them I can't make the movie.Copy !req
203. We should go see Rochele Rochele.
I hear it's really hot.Copy !req
204. - No, thanks. Some other time.
- Really? Do you mean that?Copy !req
205. No, I don't.Copy !req
206. But you like the athlete's-foot bit,
right?Copy !req
207. No. No. I was kidding.
It was terrible.Copy !req
208. Here you go. See you later.Copy !req
209. - Do you want me to wait?
- No. Don't wait.Copy !req
210. Jerry, I'll wait just to make sure
you get in, that's all.Copy !req
211. I got friends inside
I need to get a message to.Copy !req
212. You mind if I walk through
real quick?Copy !req
213. Go ahead.Copy !req
214. Bye-bye.Copy !req
215. Hey, did that guy show up?Copy !req
216. The guy with the horse face
and the big teeth?Copy !req
217. No, the guy with the big head
and flared nostrils.Copy !req
218. Haven't seen him.Copy !req
219. There was a short guy with glasses...Copy !req
220. looked like Humpty-Dumpty
with a melon head.Copy !req
221. But he left.Copy !req
222. So I got home,
and he was vacuuming.Copy !req
223. I mean, he's 12 years old.Copy !req
224. Who else but my Alan
would do something like that?Copy !req
225. And then last night,
he put on my high heels.Copy !req
226. He put on such a show for us.Copy !req
227. He was dancing around,
lip-synching to A Chorus Line.Copy !req
228. - I mean, you can see he's got talent.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.Copy !req
229. What's the problem?Copy !req
230. You're talking.Copy !req
231. It's the coming attractions.Copy !req
232. So anyway, he sings, he dances.Copy !req
233. You know what he's gotten into now?Copy !req
234. He is cooking. He does a great-Copy !req
235. Ticket, sir?Copy !req
236. I just went out.
I went to look for my friend.Copy !req
237. - Do you have your stub?
- My stub?Copy !req
238. Who keeps the stub?Copy !req
239. No one holds on to the stub.Copy !req
240. I'm going to the movies for 25 years,
nobody ever asked me for the stub.Copy !req
241. You don't remember me?Copy !req
242. - It's a big city, sir.
- I went in with a pretty woman.Copy !req
243. You know, short, big wall of hair,
face like a frying pan.Copy !req
244. Nope.Copy !req
245. - I can't find it.
- I can't let you in without your stub.Copy !req
246. All right. Here. It's my friend's ticket.Copy !req
247. Elaine?Copy !req
248. - Elaine?
- Sit down!Copy !req
249. - Elaine?
- Hey, shut up!Copy !req
250. - I'm looking for my friend.
- Check the bathroom.Copy !req
251. - You're bothering us.
- I know my friend's here.Copy !req
252. - What do you want me to do?
- You can shut up!Copy !req
253. - Elaine?
- Shut up!Copy !req
254. Elaine?Copy !req
255. Elaine?Copy !req
256. The Village Voice cals it
a masterpiece.Copy !req
257. A young woman's strange, erotic
journey from Milan to Minsk.Copy !req
258. It's a story about life and love
and becoming a woman.Copy !req
259. Rochelle Rochelle.Copy !req
260. Now playing at the Paradise Two.Copy !req
261. Thank you.Copy !req
262. Can I have a medium Diet Coke?Copy !req
263. - You want the medium or middle size?
- What's the difference?Copy !req
264. We have three sizes:
medium, large and jumbo.Copy !req
265. What happened to the small?Copy !req
266. There is no small. Small's medium.Copy !req
267. - So, what's medium?
- Medium's large, and large is jumbo.Copy !req
268. - Okay, give me the large.
- That's medium.Copy !req
269. Right. Yeah.
Can I have a small popcorn?Copy !req
270. There is no small.
Child-size is small.Copy !req
271. - What's medium?
- Adult.Copy !req
272. - Do adults ever order the child-size?
- Not usually.Copy !req
273. - Okay, give me the adult.
- Do you want butter?Copy !req
274. - Is it real butter?
- It's butter flavouring.Copy !req
275. Yeah, well, what is it made of?Copy !req
276. It's yellow.Copy !req
277. Thanks. Thank you. You don't know
how long I've been waiting out there.Copy !req
278. Very busy tonight. Very busy.
Where you go?Copy !req
279. Forty-Fourth and 9th.Copy !req
280. - Have you got a cigarette?
- No.Copy !req
281. Ticket, sir?Copy !req
282. We've just been through this.Copy !req
283. You don't remember? We just had
this exact conversation a minute ago.Copy !req
284. I need to see your stub.Copy !req
285. I got the stub. I got the stub.Copy !req
286. I put it right in my pocket.
I got the...Copy !req
287. I'm telling you, I got the stub.
I just...Copy !req
288. - I don't know where it is.
- I can't let you in without your stub.Copy !req
289. You just let me in.
We just did this a minute ago!Copy !req
290. All right. Okay. There.
There you go, okay?Copy !req
291. That's my other friend's ticket. Happy?Copy !req
292. You got two tickets.
Two of my friends.Copy !req
293. Ticket, sir?Copy !req
294. No, see, my friend bought me a ticket.
I'm late. She's already inside.Copy !req
295. - Go ahead. Enjoy the movie.
- Thanks.Copy !req
296. - What is it, Your Majesty?
- Anyone asks-Copy !req
297. - Is that seat taken?
- It's all yours.Copy !req
298. When I tel you something,
you damn better listen.Copy !req
299. - I'm getting tired of these questions.
- Yes, Your Majesty.Copy !req
300. I'm sorry, Grendel, I...
I've been very taxed lately.Copy !req
301. Yeah, I'm very sorry.
You give me a few minutes.Copy !req
302. I have to stop for gasoline.Copy !req
303. Gas? Can't you get it
after you drop me off?Copy !req
304. No. Impossible.
It is on empty. See.Copy !req
305. Yeah, yeah. Okay.Copy !req
306. What happened to my seat?Copy !req
307. Oh, my God, where was I?Copy !req
308. - Hey, sit down. I can't see.
- Get out of the way.Copy !req
309. I can't find my seat.Copy !req
310. - Just move!
- No, you move!Copy !req
311. Get the hell out of here!Copy !req
312. Come, come, you're soaking wet.
Come in.Copy !req
313. My name is Rochele.
I'm from Milan.Copy !req
314. I'm supposed to visit
relatives in Minsk.Copy !req
315. Yes. Come by the fire.Copy !req
316. Tak e off those wet clothes.
You'l catch cold.Copy !req
317. My hands are so cold,
I can barely get these buttons open.Copy !req
318. That's much better.
Much, much better.Copy !req
319. Listen, I just went
to go get popcorn and-Copy !req
320. God. I just went to go
get popcorn, okay...Copy !req
321. and somebody took my seat,
and my coat is in there.Copy !req
322. There's a seat in the front row.Copy !req
323. No, no, I can't sit in the front row.Copy !req
324. You're gonna have to wait then.Copy !req
325. I can't stand around here
for two hours.Copy !req
326. I can let you see
Rochele Rochele.Copy !req
327. Thanks.Copy !req
328. Hey, listen, by the way...Copy !req
329. have you seen
a tall, lanky doofus...Copy !req
330. with a bird face and hair like
the Bride of Frankenstein?Copy !req
331. Haven't seen him.Copy !req
332. Okay.Copy !req
333. - Let's go. I'm gonna miss my spot.
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
334. We go. We go. One minute.
I run across the street for cigarettes.Copy !req
335. I don't have time.
I'm gonna miss my spot.Copy !req
336. No, no. We go very soon.Copy !req
337. I didn't know you enjoyed chess,
Your Majesty.Copy !req
338. Why wouldn't I?Copy !req
339. Wel, because the king
is always in jeopardy.Copy !req
340. Yes, but it's only a game.Copy !req
341. Yes, of course. Only a game.Copy !req
342. - Hey, did I make it?
- Sorry.Copy !req
343. Great. That's great. What a night.Copy !req
344. Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen.
Another round of applause for Pat.Copy !req
345. Good set.Copy !req
346. You got my spot?Copy !req
347. - That athlete's-foot bit killed.
- Really?Copy !req
348. - You think I need to lose some weight?
- Weight? No.Copy !req
349. You just need some height.Copy !req
350. - Don't start. What are you doing now?
- What am I doing?Copy !req
351. My night's ruined. I didn't do any sets,
didn't go to the movies.Copy !req
352. Come on. We can still catch
most of Rochele Rochele.Copy !req
353. Rochele Rochele?Copy !req
354. A young girl's strange, erotic
journey from Milan to Minsk.Copy !req
355. Minsk?Copy !req
356. My father was a shoemak er.Copy !req
357. He work ed hard,
we didn't have much money.Copy !req
358. Rochele, what are we
going to do with you?Copy !req
359. - I'm going away tomorrow.
- Where are you going?Copy !req
360. - I want to go. Tak e me with you.
- Wel, don't be a sily goose.Copy !req
361. I've never seen Minsk. I hear
there's so much hustle and bustle.Copy !req
362. You're being absurd.
Leave me alone.Copy !req
363. - Rochele, Rochele, do you know-?
- Give me a break!Copy !req
364. Elaine?Copy !req
365. - Jerry.
- Elaine.Copy !req
366. - Shut up.
- Jerry?Copy !req
367. - George?
- Elaine?Copy !req
368. George.Copy !req
369. - But where's Kramer?
- Will you shut up?Copy !req
370. I don't know.
Does this movie stink or what?Copy !req
371. Let's get out of here. I'll see you.Copy !req
372. - You're leaving?
- Yeah.Copy !req
373. Jerry, take the coat.
Please. One month.Copy !req
374. I don't want the coat.Copy !req
375. Jerry, call me when you get home,
so I know you're okay.Copy !req
376. - What happened to you?
- I missed you at the other theatre.Copy !req
377. Then I missed my set,
and I had nothing to do.Copy !req
378. Man. Look at this.Copy !req
379. - I sat in gum.
- What happened to Checkmate?Copy !req
380. Oh, I went out to get popcorn,
and some creep took my seat.Copy !req
381. Hey, by the way,
you owe me $7.50.Copy !req
382. - But I didn't even use the ticket.
- I still paid for it.Copy !req
383. - I only have a 20.
- Hi.Copy !req
384. - Hey!
- What happened to you?Copy !req
385. That's my coat. Give me that.
Where did you get that?Copy !req
386. It was on the seat.Copy !req
387. You took my seat?Copy !req
388. - You owe me $7.50.
- Yeah. Right.Copy !req
389. What is this stain?Copy !req
390. It's yellow mustard.
Can you break a 20?Copy !req
391. But I always get confused
in the movie theatre by the plot.Copy !req
392. It's embarrassing to have to admit,
but I'm the one you see...Copy !req
393. in the parking lot, after the movie,
talking with his friends, going:Copy !req
394. "You mean, that was the same guy
from the beginning?"Copy !req
395. Nobody will explain it to you.
In the theatre, you can't find out.Copy !req
396. Why did they kill that guy?Copy !req
397. Why did they kill him?Copy !req
398. Who was that guy?
Who was that guy?Copy !req
399. I thought he was with them.
Wasn't he with them?Copy !req
400. Why would they kill him
if he was with them?Copy !req
401. Oh, he wasn't really with them.Copy !req
402. I thought he was with them.Copy !req
403. It's a good thing they killed him.Copy !req