1. What are lawyers really?Copy !req
2. To me, a lawyer is basically the person
that knows the rules of the country.Copy !req
3. We're all throwing the dice,
playing the game...Copy !req
4. moving pieces around the board,
but if there's a problem...Copy !req
5. the lawyer is the only person that
has read the inside top of the box.Copy !req
6. I think one of the fun things
for them is to say "objection."Copy !req
7. "Objection! Objection, Your Honour."Copy !req
8. "Objection,"of course,
is the adult version of "afraid not."Copy !req
9. To which the judge
can say two things:Copy !req
10. He can say "overruled,"which
is the adult version of "afraid so."Copy !req
11. Or he can say "sustained,"
which is the adult version of "duh."Copy !req
12. So- So you're a lawyer.Copy !req
13. What kind of cases do you handle?Copy !req
14. Oh, everything. Divorce, patents,
immigration and naturalization.Copy !req
15. What is that? Immigrants come over,
you show them how to act natural?Copy !req
16. Are your friends as funny as you?Copy !req
17. No, they're not funny at all.
No. I have no funny friends.Copy !req
18. I'm the funny one. El Clown-o.Copy !req
19. Look, I was nice enough
to pick it up for you.Copy !req
20. Hey, I've been back four days.
I want my mail.Copy !req
21. It's mostly bills, magazines
and junk mail anyway.Copy !req
22. Elaine, that's what mail is.Copy !req
23. Without bills, magazines
and junk mail, there is no mail.Copy !req
24. - Here's my card.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.Copy !req
25. - Hey, good talking to you.
- Nice meeting you.Copy !req
26. - Hi.
- Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
27. You would not believe
what just happened.Copy !req
28. I was waiting for you, and this woman
was sitting at the counter.Copy !req
29. - The one who just left?
- Yeah.Copy !req
30. And so we started talking
and she's this lawyer, who's incredible.Copy !req
31. You know,
everything I said was funny.Copy !req
32. She laughed at everything I said.
She thinks I'm hilarious.Copy !req
33. You know, in a way,
it was almost too good.Copy !req
34. I started so good, I can't go anyplace
but down now, you know.Copy !req
35. I got no place to go.Copy !req
36. Yeah, well, guess it's all over.Copy !req
37. Hey, is that Babu?Copy !req
38. - It is. Hey, Babu!
- Jerry.Copy !req
39. Look at you. You got the job.Copy !req
40. - Yes, they give me job, thanks to you.
- I didn't do anything.Copy !req
41. No, you do everything.
Get me job, get me place to live.Copy !req
42. - Come on.
- You very good man.Copy !req
43. - Stop.
- You did everything.Copy !req
44. I can never thank you enough
for everything.Copy !req
45. You see, this is what I do
with women.Copy !req
46. I start out too strong.Copy !req
47. Now I have to become real.
That's when it all falls apart.Copy !req
48. What good is real? They don't
want real. They want funny.Copy !req
49. - No, they don't. No.
- Oh, yes, they do, Elaine.Copy !req
50. You gotta put on a show.
You always gotta give them a big show.Copy !req
51. You always have to be on.
Otherwise, why would they like me?Copy !req
52. They'd just go for a better-looking
guy with more money.Copy !req
53. You mean that's true? I'm right?Copy !req
54. Okay, great. Well, I'm glad
everything worked out.Copy !req
55. - Yes. Everything wonderful.
- I'll see you around the building.Copy !req
56. I'll see you in the building.Copy !req
57. - Remember Babu Bhatt?
- Who's he?Copy !req
58. Remember that guy,
opened the restaurant...Copy !req
59. from the building last year
and he wasn't doing so well?Copy !req
60. I told him he should make it
into all-Pakistani.Copy !req
61. - It drove him out of business.
- Right.Copy !req
62. So you going with me
to the auto show Saturday?Copy !req
63. - Yeah.
- Can you bring my mail then please?Copy !req
64. - What mail?
- I picked up his mail...Copy !req
65. - ... while he was on the road.
- Why didn't Kramer?Copy !req
66. Because he was at that baseball
fantasy camp in Florida.Copy !req
67. Oh, yeah, right.
When's he coming back?Copy !req
68. - Monday, I think.
- Kramer goes to a fantasy camp.Copy !req
69. His whole life is a fantasy camp.Copy !req
70. People should plunk down $2000
to live like him for a week.Copy !req
71. Do nothing,
fall ass backwards in the money...Copy !req
72. mooch food and
have sex without dating.Copy !req
73. That's a fantasy camp.Copy !req
74. If you're gonna go out with this lawyer,
have dinner with us.Copy !req
75. Then you can go to the auto show
with her if you want.Copy !req
76. Have a little company.
Take the pressure off.Copy !req
77. He never heard of corduroy!Copy !req
78. Stop it, you're killing me!Copy !req
79. Never heard of corduroy.
True story. True story.Copy !req
80. Funny.Copy !req
81. - No. No, I don't- I don't think so.
- Why?Copy !req
82. Well, I think I'm better off
going one-on-one.Copy !req
83. I don't know why you wanna play
man-to-man when you could play zone.Copy !req
84. She might not be comfortable.Copy !req
85. Why? We're all very nice.
We're very friendly.Copy !req
86. - We'll be funny.
- No. No.Copy !req
87. It's not good. I don't think so.Copy !req
88. All right. If you change your mind,
we'll wind up at Isabella's around 7.Copy !req
89. No. No Isabella's. I don't want to go.Copy !req
90. - Why?
- No, it's too trendy. No Isabella's.Copy !req
91. Excellent.Copy !req
92. Like I really know
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
93. Toasting makes me uncomfortable.Copy !req
94. But toast I love.Copy !req
95. Never start the day
without a good piece of toast.Copy !req
96. In fact, let's toast to toast.Copy !req
97. Look who's here. Georgie boy.Copy !req
98. What are you doing here?
You said you hated Isabella's.Copy !req
99. No, I talked him into it.Copy !req
100. What happened to the auto show?Copy !req
101. Oh, we're still going. Still going.
Elaine, do the spokesmodel.Copy !req
102. The turbo quadramatic transmission...Copy !req
103. offers you the power and prestige
to propel you...Copy !req
104. well into the 21 st century.Copy !req
105. Hi.Copy !req
106. - Hi.
- Cheryl, this is Elaine and Jerry.Copy !req
107. Hi. Nice to meet you.Copy !req
108. - Would you like to join us?
- No, no. They don't wanna join us.Copy !req
109. - No, it's okay. Don't be silly.
- Okay.Copy !req
110. Why don't we put these together.Copy !req
111. You can't do that. They're round.
It makes an eight, and it just...Copy !req
112. Jerry. Jerry, tell them that
funny story you were telling me-Copy !req
113. No. No.Copy !req
114. No, George, it's so funny. We saw
this cab driver's picture, right?Copy !req
115. You know, we should really order.Copy !req
116. The service is so slow here.
By the time you get anything...Copy !req
117. Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you
a legal question?Copy !req
118. - I'm being sued.
- Oh, what happened?Copy !req
119. Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin,
and I crossed against the light...Copy !req
120. and I knocked over
the delivery boy.Copy !req
121. - Was he Chinese?
- Yeah.Copy !req
122. Is your-? Is your last name "Benes"?Copy !req
123. - How did you know?
- Oh, God! Ping is my cousin.Copy !req
124. No.Copy !req
125. - That's so funny.
- I'm handling his case.Copy !req
126. - What? You're Cheryl Fong?
- That's right.Copy !req
127. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
128. I can't believe it.
This is such a coincidence.Copy !req
129. I know.Copy !req
130. Wow. Well, I-Copy !req
131. I guess you don't have any advice
for me on how to win the case.Copy !req
132. Will you excuse me?
I have to make a call.Copy !req
133. Tell Ping I said hello.Copy !req
134. Tell him you think you may have
broken the case wide open.Copy !req
135. I can't believe it.Copy !req
136. What are you doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
137. - What?
- This is not good. This is not good.Copy !req
138. - What?
- I don't think it's such a great idea...Copy !req
139. - ... for you to sit here.
- Why not?Copy !req
140. He thinks if you're funny,
he might not look so funny.Copy !req
141. - Biff.
- What?Copy !req
142. - You're not worried about that?
- No, of course not.Copy !req
143. I mean, so what if I'm funny.
Who cares?Copy !req
144. He thinks that if a woman
sees a guy put on a better show...Copy !req
145. she'll walk out on his show,
go see the other show.Copy !req
146. Well, should we leave?Copy !req
147. Well, maybe you don't have
to be so funny.Copy !req
148. Would it kill you not to be so funny
all the time? That's all I'm asking.Copy !req
149. This woman thinks I'm funny.Copy !req
150. Now you're gonna be funny,
what am I gonna be?Copy !req
151. I'll be a short, bald guy with glasses
who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.Copy !req
152. This is so ridiculous.
Can we just go over there?Copy !req
153. Look, I don't have to be funny.
I don't care.Copy !req
154. - You don't?
- No way.Copy !req
155. It's completely under my control.Copy !req
156. No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.Copy !req
157. Of course I can.
Am I being funny now?Copy !req
158. A little.Copy !req
159. Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?Copy !req
160. Yeah.Copy !req
161. George, is this funny?Copy !req
162. It's funny.Copy !req
163. It wouldn't kill you to not
be so funny either.Copy !req
164. What? What did I do?Copy !req
165. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
166. Hello.Copy !req
167. Welcome back.Copy !req
168. I'm sorry. It was my aunt's birthday.
She makes such a big deal about it.Copy !req
169. Well, nobody likes to get old, right?Copy !req
170. Well, birthdays are merely symbolic
of how another year has gone by...Copy !req
171. and how little we've grown.Copy !req
172. No matter how desperate we are
that a better self will emerge...Copy !req
173. each flicker of the candles
on the cake, we know it's not to be.Copy !req
174. But for the rest of our sad,
wretched, pathetic lives...Copy !req
175. this is who we are to the bitter end...Copy !req
176. inevitably, irrevocably.Copy !req
177. Happy birthday? No such thing.Copy !req
178. Funny guy, huh?Copy !req
179. Here, take it.
I was glad to get rid of it.Copy !req
180. Well, thank you very much.
It's about time.Copy !req
181. Oh, listen. So guess what.Copy !req
182. Cheryl convinced Ping
to drop the case against me.Copy !req
183. Drop the case?Copy !req
184. Congratulations.
That will save you some money.Copy !req
185. Yeah. No kidding. That lawyer
was gonna charge me a fortune.Copy !req
186. Oh, great. Birth announcement
from Arnie and Joy Harris.Copy !req
187. Hear that? Guess who's back.Copy !req
188. Thought you weren't
coming back till Monday.Copy !req
189. Well, the camp ended
a few days early.Copy !req
190. Why?Copy !req
191. Well, there was an incident.Copy !req
192. What happened?Copy !req
193. I punched Mickey Mantle
in the mouth.Copy !req
194. - What?
- Yeah, I punched him...Copy !req
195. they took him to the hospital...Copy !req
196. and then they cancelled
the rest of the week.Copy !req
197. You punched who in the mouth?Copy !req
198. Mickey Mantle.Copy !req
199. - What happened?
- You know, we were playing a game...Copy !req
200. and I was pitching.
I was really throwing some smoke.Copy !req
201. And Joe Pepitone, he was up...Copy !req
202. and, man, that guy,
he was crowding the plate.Copy !req
203. Wow, Joe Pepitone.Copy !req
204. Well, Joe Pepitone or not,
I own the inside of that plate.Copy !req
205. So, you know,
I throw one inside, you know.Copy !req
206. A little chin music
right on his pants...Copy !req
207. because I gotta intimidate,
you know, when I'm on the mound.Copy !req
208. Well, the next pitch,
he's right back in the same place.Copy !req
209. So I had to plunk him.Copy !req
210. - You plunked him?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
211. Well, he throws down his bat,
he comes racing up to the mound.Copy !req
212. Next thing,
both benches are cleared, you know.Copy !req
213. A brouhaha breaks out between
the guys in the camp...Copy !req
214. and the Yankee players.Copy !req
215. I'm trying to get Moose Skowron
off of one of my teammates...Copy !req
216. somebody pulls me from behind...Copy !req
217. and I turned around
and I popped him.Copy !req
218. I looked down and whoa, man!
It's Mickey.Copy !req
219. I punched his lights out.Copy !req
220. Wow, this is incredible.Copy !req
221. Leave me alone!
You can't do this to me.Copy !req
222. - What's going on out there?
- What are you doing?Copy !req
223. This is not right, people. You're
making a very bad mistake. Very bad.Copy !req
224. Babu. I'll be right back.Copy !req
225. - Yeah, so...
- Hank Bauer, he's screaming:Copy !req
226. "Mickey! What have you done
with Mickey! You killed Mickey!"Copy !req
227. - So, what did you do?
- Well, I got the hell out of there.Copy !req
228. They took Babu away.Copy !req
229. They took Babu away?Copy !req
230. Yeah, the immigration guy
said his visa was expired.Copy !req
231. Poor Babu. Everything was going
so well for him.Copy !req
232. He had an apartment, he had a job.Copy !req
233. - What a shame.
- Jerry!Copy !req
234. Help me!Copy !req
235. I will, Babu!
I will help you, Babu! Don't worry!Copy !req
236. Then Hank Bauer, you know,
he's chasing me around.Copy !req
237. He trips over third base
and knocks over Clete Boyer.Copy !req
238. What?Copy !req
239. - Well, this is interesting.
- What is it?Copy !req
240. It's a letter
from the Immigration Bureau.Copy !req
241. It's Babu's
visa-renewal application form.Copy !req
242. They must have put it
in my mailbox by mistake.Copy !req
243. Well, doesn't he need that?Copy !req
244. If you'd given me my mail last week,
this never would have happened.Copy !req
245. You should have come
to my house to pick it up.Copy !req
246. - Am I being funny now?
- No, actually, you're not.Copy !req
247. See, I told you I wasn't funny
all the time.Copy !req
248. Hey, George, look,
I'm not funny now.Copy !req
249. No, and you weren't funny last night.
You got us both so depressed...Copy !req
250. she asked me to drive
her home after dinner.Copy !req
251. I need to get in touch with Cheryl.
Babu needs a lawyer. His visa expired.Copy !req
252. Why her?
There's a million lawyers.Copy !req
253. Yeah, but you said this is one
of the things that her firm does.Copy !req
254. All right, but no funny business.
Same deal as last night.Copy !req
255. - Will you stop it already.
- Jerry, please.Copy !req
256. How long is this gonna go on?Copy !req
257. Till I'm comfortable.Copy !req
258. Well, when is that gonna be?Copy !req
259. After consummation.Copy !req
260. Consummation? I don't think
you have enough material.Copy !req
261. I have a friend in the immigration
department who owes me a big favour.Copy !req
262. You're very lucky.Copy !req
263. That's wonderful news. Thank you.Copy !req
264. You're a very serious person,
aren't you?Copy !req
265. Well, with so many people
in the world deprived and unhappy...Copy !req
266. it doesn't seem like it would
be fair to be cheerful.Copy !req
267. I understand.Copy !req
268. I think that's curdled.Copy !req
269. I don't care.Copy !req
270. Do you ever laugh?Copy !req
271. Not really.
Sometimes when I'm in the tub.Copy !req
272. That's so sad.Copy !req
273. - What do you do?
- I'm a comedian.Copy !req
274. Oh, let me get that.Copy !req
275. You've been so helpful.Copy !req
276. Hey, we're gonna go
see Babu now, right?Copy !req
277. Yeah, I'll just pay for this.Copy !req
278. I'm just gonna say hi to Cheryl.Copy !req
279. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
280. Listen, gosh,
I wanted to thank you so much...Copy !req
281. for convincing Ping
to drop the case.Copy !req
282. After we met, you were all so nice,
I just couldn't go through with it.Copy !req
283. Between you and me, you would
have paid through the nose.Copy !req
284. - You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
285. - Babu.
- Jerry! Jerry. Hello, Jerry.Copy !req
286. - You remember Elaine.
- Yes, yes, of course.Copy !req
287. - Nice to meet you.
- So nice of you both to come.Copy !req
288. - Oh, Babu.
- No, you're both very kind. Very kind.Copy !req
289. - Oh, well, you know, we try.
- We do what we can.Copy !req
290. - We do what we can.
- See...Copy !req
291. the problem is, I never got
my renewal form in the mail.Copy !req
292. - I was expecting it.
- Yes. See, here's the thing, Babu.Copy !req
293. What happened was...Copy !req
294. I was away for a couple of weeks
doing comedy shows.Copy !req
295. The comedy shows,
you're very funny man.Copy !req
296. Well, Elaine, here, was picking up
my mail while I was away...Copy !req
297. because that little box
can get very full.Copy !req
298. Yes. TV Guide, magazines, everything.
I would have picked up your mail.Copy !req
299. - Your box is right next to mine.
- I don't want to bother you.Copy !req
300. No bother. You get me job. You get
me apartment, you very good man.Copy !req
301. Well, yesterday,
after they took you away...Copy !req
302. I looked in my mail,
and I noticed the mailman...Copy !req
303. accidentally put your
visa-renewal in my mailbox.Copy !req
304. - Come again?
- I've been home for a week...Copy !req
305. and Elaine didn't give me my mail
till yesterday...Copy !req
306. even though
I asked her repeatedly for it.Copy !req
307. Yeah, but, Babu, he could have come
to my house to pick it up.Copy !req
308. You had my visa application?Copy !req
309. - Not technically.
- I kill you!Copy !req
310. - What about her?
- I kill both of you!Copy !req
311. - Babu.
- No Babu.Copy !req
312. No Babu. You're bad man.
You're very bad man.Copy !req
313. You're very lazy, bad man.Copy !req
314. Babu, I'm gonna fix everything.Copy !req
315. I have a lawyer who knows
someone in immigration.Copy !req
316. They'll straighten the thing out.
The wheels are in motion.Copy !req
317. - Things are happening as we speak.
- The wheels are in motion?Copy !req
318. The wheels are in motion.
Things are happening.Copy !req
319. Jerry?Copy !req
320. I'm very attracted to him.Copy !req
321. You think the person
you were talking to was him?Copy !req
322. That's not even close to him.
He's funny. Jerry's funny.Copy !req
323. - He's never said anything funny.
- He can't not be funny.Copy !req
324. No, no. He's dark and disturbed.Copy !req
325. Dark and disturbed?Copy !req
326. His whole life revolves around
Superman and cereal.Copy !req
327. What kind of a friend are you?Copy !req
328. I convinced him to act like that so
that you would think I was funnier.Copy !req
329. That's how disturbed I am.Copy !req
330. You want disturbed?
That's disturbed.Copy !req
331. I mean, you can't find sickness
like that anywhere.Copy !req
332. You think sickness like that
grows on trees?Copy !req
333. Nobody is sicker than me. Nobody.Copy !req
334. He's pretending.
I am the genuine article.Copy !req
335. You're telling me Jerry's whole thing
was an act?Copy !req
336. And I put him up to it,
because I'm sick.Copy !req
337. I'm the one that needs help.Copy !req
338. - I gotta go.
- Well, should I call you later?Copy !req
339. - Please don't.
- But- But I'm disturbed.Copy !req
340. I'm depressed.
I'm inadequate. I got it all!Copy !req
341. So, what's up with Babu?
How come he's not back?Copy !req
342. I don't know. I don't understand it.Copy !req
343. Cheryl was supposed to take care
of it. He should be back by now.Copy !req
344. - Yeah?
- George.Copy !req
345. - Come on up.
- Babu.Copy !req
346. - Babu, what happened to you?
- Babu must be back.Copy !req
347. - Well, where's Babu?
- He is in Pakistan!Copy !req
348. - Who are you?
- I am his brother.Copy !req
349. He knew a lawyer.
It was all going to be fixed.Copy !req
350. The lawyer did everything they could.Copy !req
351. Then where is Babu?
What happened to Babu?Copy !req
352. Show me Babu!Copy !req
353. - Snapple?
- No.Copy !req
354. Too fruity.Copy !req
355. Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl
was gonna help Babu get his visa.Copy !req
356. - She didn't help him?
- No.Copy !req
357. - Where is he?
- He's in Pakistan.Copy !req
358. - Oh, boy
- What do you mean, "Oh, boy"?Copy !req
359. Well, last night she told me
that she liked you.Copy !req
360. Not you, the disturbed you.Copy !req
361. So I had to tell her the truth.Copy !req
362. You told her the truth?
You got Babu deported!Copy !req
363. What do you mean I "got"? You didn't
give him his visa application.Copy !req
364. Because she had my mail.Copy !req
365. I wouldn't have to get your mail
if he didn't go to that fantasy camp.Copy !req
366. Well, I just came back
from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.Copy !req
367. How could you go in there?Copy !req
368. Well, I had to. I had to apologize.Copy !req
369. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle,
my idol.Copy !req
370. It was eating me up inside!Copy !req
371. - What happened?
- I got on my knees, and I went:Copy !req
372. "Go ahead, Mickey, hit me.Copy !req
373. I'm begging you, Mickey.
Please, hit me. Come on, hit me.Copy !req
374. I love you, Mickey. I love you."Copy !req
375. So, what did he do?Copy !req
376. Well, the four of them, they picked
me up by my pants...Copy !req
377. and they threw me outside,
right into a horse.Copy !req
378. - Kramer.
- Hey!Copy !req
379. Yeah. It's my Chinese food.Copy !req
380. Oh, Ping. Hi.Copy !req
381. Listen, thank you so much
for dropping that lawsuit against me.Copy !req
382. - Not anymore.
- What?Copy !req
383. Cheryl call me last night.
Lawsuit back on.Copy !req
384. Why?Copy !req
385. She call you
and your friends big liars.Copy !req
386. You think she nice girl?Copy !req
387. Wait till you see her in court.
She's a shark!Copy !req
388. They call her "The Terminator."Copy !req
389. She never lose a case,
and now you make her mad.Copy !req
390. She doubled the damages.Copy !req
391. Hasta la vista, baby.Copy !req
392. So his friend had the mail,
but she did not give it to him.Copy !req
393. Then he came to visit me...Copy !req
394. said a lawyer would call and help.
He said the wheels were in motion.Copy !req
395. But there was no motion.
There was nothing.Copy !req
396. And so they sent me back here.Copy !req
397. This is a terrible story, Babu.Copy !req
398. What are you going to do?Copy !req
399. I'm going to save up every rupee...Copy !req
400. for someday...Copy !req
401. I will get back to America,
and when I do...Copy !req
402. I will exact vengeance
on this man.Copy !req
403. I cannot forget him.Copy !req
404. He haunts me.Copy !req
405. He's a very bad man.
He's a very, very bad man.Copy !req
406. I am for open immigration...Copy !req
407. but that sign we have
on the Statue of Liberty:Copy !req
408. "Give us your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses."Copy !req
409. Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's
open, we'll take whoever you got."Copy !req
410. Do we have to specify
the "wretched refuse"?Copy !req
411. Why don't we just say:Copy !req
412. "Give us the unhappy, the sad,
the slow, the ugly...Copy !req
413. people that can't drive,
that have trouble merging...Copy !req
414. if they can't stay in their lane,
don't signal, can't parallel park...Copy !req
415. if they're sneezing, if they're
stuffed up, if they're clogged...Copy !req
416. if they have bad penmanship, don't
return calls, if they have dandruff...Copy !req
417. food between their teeth, if they have
bad credit, if they have no credit...Copy !req
418. missed a spot shaving."
In other words...Copy !req
419. any dysfunctional, defective slob...Copy !req
420. that you can somehow cattle prod
onto a wagon...Copy !req
421. send them over, we want them.Copy !req