1. So I went to a fashion show.Copy !req
2. The concept of modelling
is counterproductive...Copy !req
3. to the fashion industry.Copy !req
4. Because when these women
are around, who's looking at clothes?Copy !req
5. I didn't notice any of the clothes.
We're all applauding. Yeah.Copy !req
6. What are we applauding?
"There's great-looking women here.Copy !req
7. This is great.Copy !req
8. I'm glad I'm here with all
these great-looking women."Copy !req
9. Anybody can design a shirt.Copy !req
10. It takes talent to get all these girls
in one spot. That's talent.Copy !req
11. What is this goofy walk
that the models do?Copy !req
12. You know this walk
that they do down the runway?Copy !req
13. Like they have to go somewhere.Copy !req
14. They're walking like they're really
on the way somewhere.Copy !req
15. Then they get to the end,
and it's like:Copy !req
16. "Well, I guess I'll just go back."Copy !req
17. I loved her, Jerry. I loved her.Copy !req
18. No, you didn't.Copy !req
19. - And she loved me. She really did.
- No, she didn't.Copy !req
20. What am I gonna do now?
I can't live without Susan.Copy !req
21. I gotta get her back. How?
How am I gonna to get her back?Copy !req
22. Not only didn't you love her,
you didn't even like her!Copy !req
23. - Who says?
- You did!Copy !req
24. A beautiful, successful, intelligent
woman's in love with me.Copy !req
25. And I throw it all away.
Oh, boy.Copy !req
26. Now I'll spend the rest
of my life living alone.Copy !req
27. I'll sit in my disgusting
little apartment...Copy !req
28. watching basketball games,
eating Chinese takeout...Copy !req
29. walking around with no underwear
because I'm too lazy to do the laundry.Copy !req
30. You walk around
with no underwear?Copy !req
31. What do you do when
you run out of laundry?Copy !req
32. I do a wash.Copy !req
33. Who am I gonna meet
that's better than her?Copy !req
34. No one, Jerry.
No one's better than her.Copy !req
35. When you were with her,
you said you couldn't stand her.Copy !req
36. I loved her.Copy !req
37. You said going up the steps
to her apartment...Copy !req
38. was like being taken to a cell.Copy !req
39. I would give anything to be going
up those stairs again.Copy !req
40. I gotta call her. Should I call her?Copy !req
41. I don't know if that's
such a good idea.Copy !req
42. - Why?
- You need some professional advice.Copy !req
43. Why don't you go see
Elaine's friend? She's a therapist.Copy !req
44. I'm not gonna see that nut doctor
she went to Europe with.Copy !req
45. No, no. Elaine, what's the name
of that friend of yours...Copy !req
46. that's a therapist? The woman.Copy !req
47. - Dana Foley.
- Right. Dana Foley.Copy !req
48. - She any good?
- Yeah, she's terrific.Copy !req
49. Why? You thinking of going?Copy !req
50. Tia? Who's that?Copy !req
51. It's that model I met on the plane.Copy !req
52. She sent you a Christmas card?Copy !req
53. And we're going out Saturday night.Copy !req
54. My darling, Susan. My darling!Copy !req
55. - What are you doing?
- Date with Fred.Copy !req
56. - The religious guy?
- He's not that religious.Copy !req
57. Let us pray.Copy !req
58. - You got any Double Crunch?
- Yeah.Copy !req
59. Kramer, should I call Susan?Copy !req
60. Now, what does the little man
inside you say?Copy !req
61. See, you gotta listen
to the little man.Copy !req
62. - My little man doesn't know.
- The little man knows all.Copy !req
63. My little man's an idiot.Copy !req
64. See, she was clever.Copy !req
65. She put her picture on her card.
I never do anything like that.Copy !req
66. You want a picture on a card.
I can do that.Copy !req
67. She kept such a nice, clean
apartment. She was so sanitary.Copy !req
68. No. I was thinking out loud.
I don't want my picture on a card.Copy !req
69. I'll take it.
I'll take care of everything.Copy !req
70. She made a big breakfast
every Sunday.Copy !req
71. I don't know what
she put in those eggs.Copy !req
72. You come on over. I'll have my
cereal, and I'll take your picture.Copy !req
73. Really? Can you take a picture?Copy !req
74. He takes good pictures.
He's got equipment there.Copy !req
75. - All right.
- Yeah.Copy !req
76. - I don't know about that outfit, though.
- What's wrong with it?Copy !req
77. Well, we'll have to improvise.Copy !req
78. Oh, heyCopy !req
79. If you happen to seeCopy !req
80. The most beautiful girlCopy !req
81. Who walk ed out on meCopy !req
82. Tel her I'm sorryCopy !req
83. Tel her I need my babyCopy !req
84. Won't you tel herCopy !req
85. That I love her?Copy !req
86. - Oh, hey-
- George.Copy !req
87. I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.Copy !req
88. So I'm thinking of putting in
a tropical-fish tank right here.Copy !req
89. Are sure you're ready
for that kind of commitment?Copy !req
90. Well, if it doesn't work out,
I can flush them down the toilet.Copy !req
91. That's horrible.Copy !req
92. What's the perfume you're wearing?Copy !req
93. Oh, I completely forgot.
I want you to see this.Copy !req
94. That Calvin Klein ad I was telling
you about came out today.Copy !req
95. - What is that smell?
- It's here somewhere.Copy !req
96. - It smells like the beach.
- Exactly.Copy !req
97. - Oh, my God. Is that the new perfume?
- Yeah.Copy !req
98. I can't believe this. My neighbour had
the idea for this perfume last year.Copy !req
99. He met with a Calvin Klein executive.
I can't believe they stole his idea.Copy !req
100. - Are you sure?
- And you're the model for this perfume?Copy !req
101. That's him. He just came home.Copy !req
102. I'll lock the door.Copy !req
103. Hey.Copy !req
104. Hey.Copy !req
105. Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
106. Yeah, I'll see you later.Copy !req
107. I just wanted to borrow
your DustBuster.Copy !req
108. All right, come on in.Copy !req
109. - Just wait over here.
- What?Copy !req
110. Just wait here,
and I'll get it for you.Copy !req
111. - Kramer, this is Tia.
- Hello.Copy !req
112. - How tall are you?
- 5'10".Copy !req
113. Let's see. Come on. Back to back.Copy !req
114. - No, Kramer!
- What?Copy !req
115. What's the matter? I wanted
to see how tall she was.Copy !req
116. You're tall. She's tall. I'm tall.
What's the difference? We're all tall.Copy !req
117. - What's that?
- What?Copy !req
118. - That smell. What's that smell?
- What smell?Copy !req
119. It's very familiar. I can't put
my finger on it. It's familiar.Copy !req
120. Oh, they're all the same.
Here. Now, if you'll excuse us.Copy !req
121. - Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah.Copy !req
122. - Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you too.Copy !req
123. Yeah, I'll see you later.Copy !req
124. That was close.Copy !req
125. The beach!Copy !req
126. You smell like the beach.
What's that perfume you're wearing?Copy !req
127. - It's Ocean by Calvin Klein.
- Calvin Klein?Copy !req
128. No. No, that's my idea.
They stole my idea.Copy !req
129. I had the idea of a cologne that
made you smell like the beach.Copy !req
130. I know. Look at this.Copy !req
131. That's you. What is going on here?Copy !req
132. The jerk! He laughs at me.
Then he steals my idea!Copy !req
133. I could've been a millionaire.Copy !req
134. I could have been
a fragrance millionaire, Jerry.Copy !req
135. They're not gonna
get away with this.Copy !req
136. Hello, George. Come in, come in.
I've heard an awful lot about you.Copy !req
137. - Please sit down.
- Well, hello.Copy !req
138. Specifically, the reason
that I'm here-Copy !req
139. I don't know what
Elaine told you, but...Copy !req
140. I broke up with my girlfriend
a couple of weeks ago.Copy !req
141. Actually, she broke up
with me, and-Copy !req
142. Well, I was the cause of it, and...Copy !req
143. I just wanted to find out from you...Copy !req
144. What's with this thing?Copy !req
145. - So she broke up with you.
- Yeah, and...Copy !req
146. Why won't this go down?Copy !req
147. It's all right. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
148. So why'd she break up with you?Copy !req
149. What is with this damn zipper?Copy !req
150. It doesn't matter. Fix it later.
Tell me about your girlfriend.Copy !req
151. It's stuck on a piece of cloth here.Copy !req
152. I can't get the cloth out.Copy !req
153. - It doesn't matter-
- This is a new jacket.Copy !req
154. Boy, this really burns me up.Copy !req
155. George. George, look at me.Copy !req
156. Okay, forget about the zipper.Copy !req
157. What's your girlfriend's name?Copy !req
158. - Susan.
- Okay, we're getting somewhere.Copy !req
159. It's just so frustrating. It's a
brand-new jacket for crying out loud.Copy !req
160. So Fred and I are gonna do volunteer
work for that church on Amsterdam.Copy !req
161. Volunteer work. See, that's what I love
about the holiday season.Copy !req
162. That's the true spirit
of Christmas.Copy !req
163. People being helped
by people other than me.Copy !req
164. That makes me feel good inside.Copy !req
165. Oh, look at what we have here.Copy !req
166. A Christmas card from Lainey.Copy !req
167. Thank you. You didn't have to
go to that trouble.Copy !req
168. It was no trouble.
My assistant did the whole thing.Copy !req
169. - How'd the picture come out?
- Oh, you know. It's a picture.Copy !req
170. Oh, look at that. Looks good.
Kramer did a good job.Copy !req
171. Yeah, well, how hard is it
to take a picture?Copy !req
172. - What?
- Did you look at this picture carefully?Copy !req
173. Carefully?Copy !req
174. Because I'm not sure,
and correct me if I'm wrong...Copy !req
175. but I think I see a nipple.Copy !req
176. - What?
- Here, take a look. What is that?Copy !req
177. Oh, my God!Copy !req
178. That's my nipple!Copy !req
179. - That's what I thought.
- That's my nipple! My nipple's exposed!Copy !req
180. I sent this card
to hundreds of people.Copy !req
181. My parents. My boss.
Nana and Papa.Copy !req
182. - Didn't you look at the picture?
- Oh, God, I didn't notice.Copy !req
183. What am I gonna do? You know,
your whole life, you go through...Copy !req
184. painstaking efforts to hide
your nipple, and then boom.Copy !req
185. Suddenly hundreds of people
get their own personal shot of it.Copy !req
186. Hey.Copy !req
187. - Have you seen the card?
- What card?Copy !req
188. - My Christmas card.
- Yeah. Of course, I took it.Copy !req
189. Did you notice
anything unusual about it?Copy !req
190. - No.
- Well, come here and take a look.Copy !req
191. - Yeah, so?
- So, what's that?Copy !req
192. - That's a nipple.
- Right.Copy !req
193. - Oh, great. Didn't you see that?
- No, I didn't notice it.Copy !req
194. It's because you made me wear
that stupid shirt.Copy !req
195. Well, maybe no one noticed it.
You didn't notice it.Copy !req
196. - Let's see if Newman sees it.
- No, I don't want him looking.Copy !req
197. What's the difference?
Everybody else has it.Copy !req
198. Give me that.Copy !req
199. Oh, my God, I sent one to the
super in my building, my mailman.Copy !req
200. My 10-year-old little nephew.Copy !req
201. Sister Mary Catherine, Father Chelios.
Oh, my God, Fred. I sent one to Fred.Copy !req
202. - Okay, what is it?
- Here.Copy !req
203. Take a look at this card. Tell me
if you notice anything unusual.Copy !req
204. Yeah, your nipple's showing.Copy !req
205. Okay, thanks.Copy !req
206. - Anything else?
- No.Copy !req
207. All right. See you later.Copy !req
208. What? So what?Copy !req
209. It's a nipple.Copy !req
210. It's a little brown,
circular protuberance.Copy !req
211. What's the big deal?Copy !req
212. Everybody's got them.
Look, I got them.Copy !req
213. - I got them too.
- Look at this.Copy !req
214. Everybody's got them.Copy !req
215. See, it's kind of gotta little piece of
cloth that's stuck underneath and-Copy !req
216. Well, can you pull it up a bit?Copy !req
217. Well, here you hold it.
Wait, hold it. Hold it.Copy !req
218. Damn it. I can't move it.Copy !req
219. God, I've never seen
a zipper so stubborn.Copy !req
220. Damn it. I almost had it.Copy !req
221. Okay. Wait, that'll separate it.Copy !req
222. - Let me try.
- Take it off the track.Copy !req
223. You're gonna rip it.
You're gonna rip it.Copy !req
224. I'm afraid we're
gonna have to stop now.Copy !req
225. Okay.Copy !req
226. My mother is gonna pay
for the session.Copy !req
227. Oh, is this Elaine?Copy !req
228. Yeah.Copy !req
229. No!Copy !req
230. No!Copy !req
231. No. Oh, no.Copy !req
232. I've called every day for four days.
She hasn't returned one call.Copy !req
233. Was it a scratch...Copy !req
234. or a pick?Copy !req
235. It was a scratch.Copy !req
236. Hey, it's me.Copy !req
237. Don't you think I know the difference
between a pick and a scratch?Copy !req
238. - Yeah.
- It's me.Copy !req
239. Come on up.Copy !req
240. Was there any
nostril penetration?Copy !req
241. There may have been some
incidental penetration...Copy !req
242. but from her angle, she was
in no position to make the call.Copy !req
243. So let's say, in her mind,
she witnessed a pick.Copy !req
244. - Okay, so then what?
- Is that so unforgivable?Copy !req
245. Is that like breaking
a commandment?Copy !req
246. Did God say to Moses,
"Thou shalt not pick"?Copy !req
247. I guarantee you
Moses was a picker.Copy !req
248. You wander through the desert
for 40 years with that dry air.Copy !req
249. You telling me you're not gonna have
occasion to clean house a little?Copy !req
250. Let me ask you something.
If you were dating somebody...Copy !req
251. and she did that, would you
continue going out with her?Copy !req
252. No. That's disgusting.Copy !req
253. You cannot believe
what I am going through.Copy !req
254. That card is plastered
all over the office.Copy !req
255. Everybody's calling me "Nip."Copy !req
256. Yeah, that's my new nickname
at the office. Nip.Copy !req
257. These guys keep asking
me out for drinks.Copy !req
258. Not only that. Fred, you know,
the guy I told you about...Copy !req
259. he hasn't called me in three days.Copy !req
260. - Oh, hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
261. How come I didn't get
a Christmas card?Copy !req
262. Everybody else got one.Copy !req
263. Jerry got one. Kramer got one.Copy !req
264. I thought we were good friends. I don't
get a Christmas card. I don't get it.Copy !req
265. You want a Christmas card? You want
a Christmas card? All right, here.Copy !req
266. Here's your Christmas card.Copy !req
267. You got any Double Crunch?Copy !req
268. Yeah, I think I do.Copy !req
269. - What's that perfume?
- It's the ocean.Copy !req
270. That's mine. That's my smell.Copy !req
271. Jerry, get that model to get me an
appointment with Calvin Klein.Copy !req
272. I can't. She won't return my calls...Copy !req
273. because she caught me
in a pick at a light.Copy !req
274. - I thought you said it was a scratch.
- That's not what she thinks.Copy !req
275. Call her agency. Maybe she's been
out of town and didn't get the calls.Copy !req
276. Get it.Copy !req
277. All right.Copy !req
278. I'll call the agency.Copy !req
279. Hello.Copy !req
280. I'm trying to get in touch
with Tia Van Kamp.Copy !req
281. Do you know if she's been in town?Copy !req
282. Oh, really?Copy !req
283. - Well, thank you very much.
- What?Copy !req
284. She has been in town.
She's at Calvin Klein right now.Copy !req
285. Let's go.Copy !req
286. It'll be different this time.
I promise.Copy !req
287. I promise difference.
I'm committed to difference.Copy !req
288. I need someone a little more stable.Copy !req
289. I'm not stable? I'm like a rock.Copy !req
290. I take these glasses off, you can't tell
the difference between me and a rock.Copy !req
291. I put these glasses on a rock, you
know what jumps into people's minds?Copy !req
292. Costanza.Copy !req
293. - People don't change.
- I change. I change.Copy !req
294. Two weeks ago,
I tried a soft-boiled egg.Copy !req
295. Never liked it before. Now, I'm dunking
a piece of toast in there and loving it.Copy !req
296. I'm not a soft-boiled egg.Copy !req
297. And I am not a piece of toast.Copy !req
298. I just don't think that we have
anything in common.Copy !req
299. That's okay. That's good.Copy !req
300. You think Louis Pasteur and
his wife had anything in common?Copy !req
301. He was in the fields all day
with the cows and the milk...Copy !req
302. examining the milk, delving into milk,
consumed with milk.Copy !req
303. Pasteurization. Homogenization.Copy !req
304. And she was in the kitchen, killing
cockroaches with a boot on each hand.Copy !req
305. Why were there
so many cockroaches?Copy !req
306. Because there was a lot of cake
lying around the house...Copy !req
307. just sitting there with all the excess
milk from the all experiments.Copy !req
308. - And they got along?
- Yes. Yes.Copy !req
309. She didn't know
about pasteurization.Copy !req
310. He didn't know about fumigation.
But they made it work.Copy !req
311. - You can't go in.
- I want to talk to Calvin.Copy !req
312. - Let me talk to Calvin.
- Wait.Copy !req
313. - I just want to talk to Calvin.
- Kramer?Copy !req
314. - Oh, Tia, hi.
- Who are you?Copy !req
315. I'm here to talk about the ocean.Copy !req
316. Oh, yes, Kramer.Copy !req
317. I think I know something about this.
Would you excuse us, Tia?Copy !req
318. - I don't want any trouble, Calvin.
- Neither do I.Copy !req
319. Hello. There you are.Copy !req
320. Hello. What are you doing here?Copy !req
321. I had to talk to you.
You haven't returned my calls.Copy !req
322. Well, I've been busy.Copy !req
323. I thought we had a good time. The only
explanation I could come up with is...Copy !req
324. you think that you caught me...Copy !req
325. I'd rather not talk about this.Copy !req
326. But I was clearly
on the outer edge of the nostril.Copy !req
327. - I know what I saw.
- But there was no pick.Copy !req
328. I did not pick. There was no pick.Copy !req
329. - I gotta go.
- No. No pick.Copy !req
330. Now here's the scoop, Calvin.Copy !req
331. I came in here last January
to talk to one of your flunkies.Copy !req
332. Interesting face.Copy !req
333. And when I told him my idea
about the beach cologne...Copy !req
334. you know, he laughed at me.Copy !req
335. You're very lithe, aren't you?
Very graceful.Copy !req
336. Well, yeah.Copy !req
337. - Sit down.
- All right.Copy !req
338. You're very lean. But muscular.Copy !req
339. You know, I try to take care of myself.
I watch what I eat.Copy !req
340. Just recently, I cut out fructose.Copy !req
341. I think you're spectacular.Copy !req
342. I told you, Fred. My friend's
next-door neighbour took it.Copy !req
343. So, what happened?Copy !req
344. Well, I- I must have missed a button.
I forgot to button it.Copy !req
345. I really don't see how you could
miss a button like that.Copy !req
346. Oh, you've never missed a button?Copy !req
347. - Yeah.
- It's your sister, Gail.Copy !req
348. Oh, God. My nephew.Copy !req
349. Hi, Gail.Copy !req
350. Yeah.Copy !req
351. Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.Copy !req
352. Hey, Nip, you need
that manuscript, or can I take it?Copy !req
353. Take it. Take it.
And stop calling me Nip.Copy !req
354. It was an accident.Copy !req
355. Well, it's gotta be somewhere.
Look under his mattress.Copy !req
356. About the focus group? I have nothing
to do with the focus group.Copy !req
357. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
358. He's sexual...Copy !req
359. athletic and without a trace
of self-consciousness.Copy !req
360. His buttocks are sublime.Copy !req
361. His pectorals could use some work.
Get him into the weight room.Copy !req
362. No. Let's get him in the studio today.
We could send these out immediately.Copy !req
363. You've done it again, C.K.Copy !req
364. And what if I did do it? Even though
I admit to nothing and never will.Copy !req
365. What does that make me?Copy !req
366. I'm not just defending myself, but all
those pickers who have been caught.Copy !req
367. Each and every one of them...Copy !req
368. who has to suffer the shame and
humiliation because of people like you.Copy !req
369. Are we not human?
If we pick, do we not bleed?Copy !req
370. I am not an animal.Copy !req
371. I did not bare myself deliberately,
but I tell you, I wish now that I had.Copy !req
372. Because it is not me
that has been exposed, but you.Copy !req
373. For I have seen the nipple
on your soul!Copy !req
374. So the minute I started up the steps
to her apartment...Copy !req
375. I knew I made a terrible mistake.Copy !req
376. Going back with her.Copy !req
377. So we're in her apartment.
She goes into the bathroom.Copy !req
378. I'm cursing myself.
Now how do I get out of there?Copy !req
379. And then it hits me
like a bolt of lightning.Copy !req
380. The pick.Copy !req
381. - The pick?
- The pick?Copy !req
382. She comes out of the bathroom,
I'm in up to my wrist.Copy !req
383. You should've seen
the look on her face.Copy !req
384. I think I've seen that look.Copy !req
385. Hey, I got the magazine.
The underwear ad came out.Copy !req
386. Hey, Calvin Klein!Copy !req
387. - Hey, you look great!
- Neat.Copy !req
388. Boy, they really
worked on your pectorals.Copy !req
389. - Well.
- Your buttocks are spectacular.Copy !req
390. - Oh, my.
- What?Copy !req
391. Well, I'm not sure...Copy !req
392. but I think I see your...Copy !req
393. The human body
is a lot of maintenance.Copy !req
394. A lot of showering, a lot of shaving,
a lot of cleaning, a lot of clipping...Copy !req
395. a lot of checking. If your body
was a car, you wouldn't buy it.Copy !req
396. It's too much upkeep.
It's a pain.Copy !req
397. But women definitely go
to the absolute extreme.Copy !req
398. To me, it's amazing the way women
take care of all the hair on their bodies.Copy !req
399. One of the
great mysteries to me...Copy !req
400. is the fact that a woman
could pour hot wax on her legs...Copy !req
401. rip the hair out by the root
and still be afraid of a spider.Copy !req