1. Everything on planes is tiny. Tiny
food, tiny liquor bottles, tiny pillows...Copy !req
2. tiny bathroom,
tiny sink, tiny soap.Copy !req
3. Everyone's in a cramped seat
working on a tiny computer.Copy !req
4. Always a small problem.
"Be a slight delay.Copy !req
5. You'll be a bit late.
If you could be a little patient.Copy !req
6. We're just trying to get
one of those little trucks...Copy !req
7. to pull us a little closer
to the Jetway...Copy !req
8. so you can walk down
the narrow hallway.Copy !req
9. There'll be a man in a tight suit.
He'll tell you you have little time...Copy !req
10. to make your connecting flight.
So move it."Copy !req
11. Hey, could you do me a favour?Copy !req
12. Could you shut up?Copy !req
13. Open the window, please.
It's hot in here.Copy !req
14. - You're wearing that heavy jacket.
- Fine, I'll take it off. Grab the wheel.Copy !req
15. - I don't want to do that.
- Come on. Just do it.Copy !req
16. - No, I don't like to do this.
- Elaine, just get it.Copy !req
17. - My hand is stuck.
- Okay, don't fool around.Copy !req
18. - My hand. My hand!
- Don't- Jer- All right, fine.Copy !req
19. Elaine.Copy !req
20. Hey, guess what.Copy !req
21. - This window doesn't work.
- I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works.Copy !req
22. Window doesn't work.
Radio doesn't work.Copy !req
23. And it smells like a cheap hooker.Copy !req
24. Or is that you?Copy !req
25. Give me 10 bucks and find out.Copy !req
26. So this worked out pretty good.Copy !req
27. Them giving me an extra ticket. You
get a trip to St. Louis. I did my gig.Copy !req
28. - You got to see your sister.
- Yeah, it worked out good.Copy !req
29. - And here's the beauty.
- What?Copy !req
30. George is picking us up
at the airport.Copy !req
31. - Get out of here. Why?
- You know that awning...Copy !req
32. - ... outside my building?
- Yeah.Copy !req
33. He always brags
about his vertical leap...Copy !req
34. so I bet him 50 bucks that
he couldn't touch the awning.Copy !req
35. - So, what happened?
- He didn't come within 2 feet of it.Copy !req
36. He's waving at it.Copy !req
37. So I told him if he picks us up at the
airport, he wouldn't have to pay me.Copy !req
38. Hey, how we doing on time?Copy !req
39. Timed out perfectly.Copy !req
40. Drop off the car, pick up the rental-car
shuttle, we walk on the plane.Copy !req
41. - Wait up!
- Wait up!Copy !req
42. - Sorry.
- Wait!Copy !req
43. - Where you going?
- JFK.Copy !req
44. I need some small bills
for a tip, got any?Copy !req
45. - Yeah. You want a 5?
- Give me a 10.Copy !req
46. - You're giving him $10?
- Well, we got three bags.Copy !req
47. - That's a pretty big tip.
- That's what they get.Copy !req
48. - They don't get that much.
- Let's ask him.Copy !req
49. - You can't ask him.
- Let's see what he says.Copy !req
50. - Jerry, we don't have time.
- Two seconds.Copy !req
51. Excuse me.Copy !req
52. My friend and I
were having a discussion.Copy !req
53. We were just wondering
what you usually get for a tip.Copy !req
54. - Depends on the person and the bag.
- How about people like us?Copy !req
55. People like you?Copy !req
56. Not much.
You don't know what you're doing.Copy !req
57. - Come on, seriously.
- Well, since you asked.Copy !req
58. Usually, I get $5 a bag.Copy !req
59. - What?
- That's right.Copy !req
60. - Five dollars a bag? I don't think so.
- Look, you asked, I told you.Copy !req
61. You got some nerve
trying to take advantage of us.Copy !req
62. All right, look, we're late.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
63. - You're lucky I don't report you.
- Come on.Copy !req
64. JFK.Copy !req
65. Honolulu.Copy !req
66. Wait up.Copy !req
67. See? Never be late
for a plane with a girl.Copy !req
68. Because a girl runs like a girl, with the
little steps and the arms flailing out.Copy !req
69. You wanna make this plane,
you gotta run like a man.Copy !req
70. Get your knees up!Copy !req
71. - The flight's been cancelled?
- Everything into JFK is booked.Copy !req
72. Wait, I have two seats
into La Guardia...Copy !req
73. but they're not together.
It's boarding now.Copy !req
74. - We'll take them.
- We won't sit together?Copy !req
75. So what? It's not long. You'll read.Copy !req
76. What about George?
He's picking us up at Kennedy.Copy !req
77. - We'll call him.
- There's no time.Copy !req
78. - Is there time?
- There's no time.Copy !req
79. There's no time.
We'll call him from the plane.Copy !req
80. I have one seat in first class
and one in coach.Copy !req
81. The price is the same
because your flight was cancelled.Copy !req
82. Well...Copy !req
83. I'll take the first class.Copy !req
84. - Jerry.
- What?Copy !req
85. Why should you get
the first class?Copy !req
86. Elaine, have you ever
flown first class?Copy !req
87. - No.
- All right, then.Copy !req
88. You won't know
what you're missing.Copy !req
89. I've flown first class, Elaine.
I can't go back to coach.Copy !req
90. - I can't. I won't.
- You flew here coach.Copy !req
91. - Yeah, that's a point.
- All right, fine. I don't care.Copy !req
92. The plane crashes, everybody in
first class is gonna die anyway.Copy !req
93. Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.Copy !req
94. Third row, right.Copy !req
95. Oh, you're in here, sir.
Welcome aboard.Copy !req
96. Bon voyage, Lainey.Copy !req
97. Oh, excuse me.Copy !req
98. Excuse me, Miss.
I think you're sitting in my seat.Copy !req
99. What?Copy !req
100. - Yeah, 13C. That's me.
- Sorry.Copy !req
101. No, that's all right.Copy !req
102. I never check my bags. Can't stand
that waiting in the baggage area.Copy !req
103. Great.Copy !req
104. Help me.Copy !req
105. Excuse me.
I think you're in my seat.Copy !req
106. Oh, really?Copy !req
107. My mistake.Copy !req
108. My mistake.Copy !req
109. Thank you.Copy !req
110. - Hey, thanks for coming with me.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
111. What made you think
you could touch that awning?Copy !req
112. I confused it with another awning.Copy !req
113. Man.Copy !req
114. - So how we doing on time?
- We're perfect.Copy !req
115. I timed this out so we'd
pull up at the terminal...Copy !req
116. exactly 17 minutes after their flight
is supposed to land.Copy !req
117. That gives them enough time
to get off the plane...Copy !req
118. pick up their bags, and be walking
out of the terminal as we roll up.Copy !req
119. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty.Copy !req
120. I cannot express to you the feeling
I get from a perfect pickup.Copy !req
121. - What are you doing?
- What?Copy !req
122. What are you getting on the
Long Island Expressway for?Copy !req
123. You know what the traffic will be like?
This is a suicide mission!Copy !req
124. - Will you relax?
- I had it perfectly timed out.Copy !req
125. The Grand Central. The Van Wyck.
You've destroyed my whole timing.Copy !req
126. This is the best way to go.Copy !req
127. Do you know what happens
if I miss him?Copy !req
128. I don't get credit for the pickup,
and I lose my $50.Copy !req
129. George, there's no traffic
at this time. Come on.Copy !req
130. Really?Copy !req
131. If anything, we'll probably
get there early.Copy !req
132. I'll have a chance to
go to the duty-free shop.Copy !req
133. - The duty-free shop?
- Yeah.Copy !req
134. Duty-free is the biggest
sucker deal in retail.Copy !req
135. - You know how much duty is?
- Duty?Copy !req
136. - Yeah. You know how much duty is?
- No, I don't know how much duty is.Copy !req
137. Duty's nothing. It's like sales tax.Copy !req
138. Well, I'd still like to stop
at the duty-free shop.Copy !req
139. I lik e to stop
At the duty-free shopCopy !req
140. I lik e to stop
At the duty-free shopCopy !req
141. I lik e to stop
At the duty-free shopCopy !req
142. So he says,
"Squeeze your breasts together."Copy !req
143. And I say, "I thought
this was an ad for shoes."Copy !req
144. Oh, my.Copy !req
145. - Is that the new Esquire?
- Yeah.Copy !req
146. Turn to page 146.Copy !req
147. Coming out of the shower.Copy !req
148. Good thing they gave you that
washcloth to cover yourself up.Copy !req
149. What is this an ad for?Copy !req
150. See those wrinkled jeans
slung over the chair?Copy !req
151. Way in the background,
out of focus?Copy !req
152. How does it look on your side?Copy !req
153. We'll get there.Copy !req
154. Oh, look at this.Copy !req
155. He's sleeping, and I have to go
to the bathroom.Copy !req
156. Maybe he'l wak e up soon.Copy !req
157. What if my kidneys burst?Copy !req
158. Is it worth it not to wak e this man up
to damage a major organ?Copy !req
159. I hope this disgusting slob
appreciates what I'm doing for him.Copy !req
160. Yeah, mak e a little more noise
with your gum. That's helpful.Copy !req
161. They're not here.
You cost me 50 bucks.Copy !req
162. Look at you. You run like a girl. Come
on. Run like a man. Lift your knees.Copy !req
163. We're wasting our time here.
We're a half-hour late.Copy !req
164. They probably took it
off the board!Copy !req
165. No, there it is. Right there, 133.
And it's cancelled.Copy !req
166. Cancelled?
Do I still get credit for the pickup?Copy !req
167. - I was here.
- Let's check at the ticket counter.Copy !req
168. There it is, honey.
Gate 18A, 8:30.Copy !req
169. Did you see that guy?Copy !req
170. - No. What guy?
- That guy. He was...Copy !req
171. - ... standing right here.
- No, I didn't.Copy !req
172. Go over to the ticket counter.Copy !req
173. I'll go to the gift shop and
get a copy of TIME magazine.Copy !req
174. There's supposed to be a blurb about
Jerry. I think he mentioned my name.Copy !req
175. I know that guy.Copy !req
176. Yeah.Copy !req
177. Gotta get my TIME magazine.
Never miss my TIME.Copy !req
178. Okay, get your magazine.
Let's get out of here.Copy !req
179. Hey. I was gonna take that.Copy !req
180. Gee, I'm sorry. I got here first.Copy !req
181. - I don't care. I want the magazine.
- Okay, let's go.Copy !req
182. You don't understand.
There's a blurb about me in this.Copy !req
183. A blurb? You're a blurb.
Check out the cover, idiot.Copy !req
184. - Let's go.
- Just give me second.Copy !req
185. - I want the magazine!
- No.Copy !req
186. You know what I would do to you
if I wasn't in these shackles?Copy !req
187. But you are, Blanche.
You are in the shackles.Copy !req
188. You little son of a-Copy !req
189. Oh, I can't wait to read
my TIME magazine. Last copy too.Copy !req
190. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow,
in the park.Copy !req
191. Supposed to be a beautiful day.
Have a nice life...Copy !req
192. sentence, that is. You miserable...Copy !req
193. They're on a different flight.Copy !req
194. They're scheduled to land
in half an hour at La Guardia.Copy !req
195. La Guardia? Right, come on.Copy !req
196. - Wait a second.
- Come on.Copy !req
197. - Where do I know that guy from?
- We gotta go, come on.Copy !req
198. Wak e up, you human slug.
Wak e up.Copy !req
199. Wak e up!Copy !req
200. I can't hold it anymore.Copy !req
201. Excuse me.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.Copy !req
202. I've gotta go to the bathroom.Copy !req
203. I'm sorry.Copy !req
204. Can you move that?Copy !req
205. Would you move
your seat up, please?Copy !req
206. Oh, my, that is refreshing.Copy !req
207. Would you care for some slippers?Copy !req
208. - Sounds lovely.
- Here you are.Copy !req
209. Thank you very much. May I?Copy !req
210. Please.Copy !req
211. Why, it's a perfect fit.
You must be Cinderella.Copy !req
212. My name is not mentioned
in this blurb.Copy !req
213. - That's it. It's Grossbard.
- Do you believe this?Copy !req
214. - Nowhere to be found.
- I knew that face looked familiar.Copy !req
215. - It's Grossbard.
- Who's Grossbard?Copy !req
216. When I lived on Third Avenue
and 18th Street, 20 years ago...Copy !req
217. I had this roommate who was
always behind in his rent.Copy !req
218. One month, he asked me to loan him
his share of the rent, 240 bucks.Copy !req
219. He took the cash and...Copy !req
220. disappears.Copy !req
221. I tried to find him. I went to his
girlfriend's house, even his family.Copy !req
222. Never got that money back.
He screwed me.Copy !req
223. And that's the guy. John Grossbard.Copy !req
224. Kramer, come on.
It was 240 bucks 20 years ago.Copy !req
225. - I'm gonna turn around, get that guy.
- You can't.Copy !req
226. - Let go of me.
- Kramer, you cannot go back.Copy !req
227. Kramer, you cannot abandon
people in an airport pickup.Copy !req
228. It's a binding social contract.Copy !req
229. We must go forward. Not back.Copy !req
230. Tia, did you see all the flowers
in that bathroom?Copy !req
231. - It's like an English garden in there.
- They're beautiful.Copy !req
232. They're gardenias, mostly.Copy !req
233. - I thought I smelled lilac.
- Yes, there are a few of those too.Copy !req
234. It's almost overwhelming.Copy !req
235. Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the captain.Copy !req
236. Due to equipment problems
on the runway at La Guardia...Copy !req
237. we've been instructed by the tower
to reroute and land at JFK.Copy !req
238. We apologize
for any inconvenience.Copy !req
239. What did he say?
What did he say?Copy !req
240. - Well, you're not gonna believe it.
- What?Copy !req
241. The plane's rerouted back
to Kennedy. We got 45 minutes.Copy !req
242. Let's go. Listen to the bell,
Grossbard. It tolls for thee.Copy !req
243. We have some
delicious Chateaubriand.Copy !req
244. My personal favourite.
Or if you prefer something lighter...Copy !req
245. a poached Dover sole in a delicate
white-wine sauce with a hint of saffron.Copy !req
246. Oh, saffron. That sounds good.Copy !req
247. And today we're featuring wines
from the Tuscany region.Copy !req
248. - Tuscany.
- Tuscany.Copy !req
249. Hi. Can I get to my seat?Copy !req
250. You're just gonna have to wait.Copy !req
251. I'm right there. You just passed it.
I'm sitting next to that guy.Copy !req
252. You're not supposed to get up
during the food service.Copy !req
253. Well, nobody told me that.Copy !req
254. Look. This plane is full.Copy !req
255. I got a lot of people to serve.
Now, please.Copy !req
256. You're just gonna have to wait.Copy !req
257. There it is. Gate 46.
We got plenty of time.Copy !req
258. Grossbard's plane
leaves in 10 minutes.Copy !req
259. I've still got time to catch him.Copy !req
260. How? He probably boarded
the plane already.Copy !req
261. Give me your credit card.Copy !req
262. - My credit card?
- Give it to me. Don't ask questions.Copy !req
263. I'm not giving you my card
unless you tell me what it's for.Copy !req
264. To buy a ticket
to get on that flight.Copy !req
265. You'll spend more for the ticket
than you'll get from Grossbard.Copy !req
266. I'm not gonna use the ticket.Copy !req
267. I'll get my money, get off the plane,
turn your ticket in for a refund.Copy !req
268. Not gonna cost you a dime.Copy !req
269. - Come on, give me the card.
- This is a great idea. Here.Copy !req
270. Use this one. I get frequent flyer
miles with every purchase.Copy !req
271. Wait a minute, wait a minute.Copy !req
272. Get two tickets.Copy !req
273. You're returning it anyway,
what's the difference?Copy !req
274. - I'll get double the bonus miles.
- Yes. Yes.Copy !req
275. Excuse me.Copy !req
276. I'm sorry to make you do this,
but I got stuck in the aisle.Copy !req
277. The flight attendant
wouldn't let me through.Copy !req
278. There's no way
to get around that cart.Copy !req
279. You're not supposed to get up
during food service.Copy !req
280. I'll try and remember that.Copy !req
281. Where's my meal?Copy !req
282. He asked me. But you were gone
so long, I thought you switched seats.Copy !req
283. Excuse me. Excuse me,
I didn't get a meal.Copy !req
284. - Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.Copy !req
285. I would know if a tray of food
had been served to me.Copy !req
286. - Would you?
- Yes.Copy !req
287. Well, the only meal left
is a kosher meal.Copy !req
288. A kosher meal?
I don't want a kosher meal.Copy !req
289. I don't even know
what a kosher meal is.Copy !req
290. I think it means when a rabbi
has inspected it or something.Copy !req
291. No, no, it all has to do
with the way they kill the pig.Copy !req
292. - Come on, but they don't eat pigs.
- They do if it's killed right.Copy !req
293. - Under a rabbi's supervision.
- Oh, you know what?Copy !req
294. I ordered the kosher meal.Copy !req
295. - Then why didn't you take it?
- I ordered it six weeks ago. I forgot.Copy !req
296. You're eating my food.Copy !req
297. Hey, I got earplugs to collect.
Do you want it or not?Copy !req
298. - This is the best sundae I've ever had.
- Oh, man.Copy !req
299. You know what?Copy !req
300. They got the fudge on the bottom.Copy !req
301. You see? That enables you to
control your fudge distribution...Copy !req
302. as you're eating your ice cream.Copy !req
303. I never met a man who knew
so much about nothing.Copy !req
304. Thank you.Copy !req
305. - More anything?
- More everything.Copy !req
306. Look. I did good.
I got supersavers. Come on.Copy !req
307. Supersavers? Are they refundable?Copy !req
308. You bought nonrefundable tickets.
You idiot.Copy !req
309. She talked me into it.
Said it was the best deal.Copy !req
310. - Do you know how much this'll cost?
- I'll tell you what.Copy !req
311. I'll split it with you, huh?Copy !req
312. - Listen, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
313. Hey.Copy !req
314. - How about that, huh?
- Excuse me?Copy !req
315. - Do you recognize me?
- No.Copy !req
316. - Come on. Twenty years ago.
- What?Copy !req
317. - Eighteenth Street?
- I don't know what you're talking about.Copy !req
318. Give me your money.
Where's your wallet?Copy !req
319. The $240.Copy !req
320. Just a minute.Copy !req
321. Hey, buddy.Copy !req
322. Kramer!Copy !req
323. George!Copy !req
324. Sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
325. Sorry.Copy !req
326. Excuse me.Copy !req
327. Excuse me.Copy !req
328. What? Oh, no, nothing for me,
thank you. I'm fine.Copy !req
329. What is your name?Copy !req
330. Elaine Benes.Copy !req
331. You're going to have to
go back to coach.Copy !req
332. But there was nobody sitting here.Copy !req
333. Yes, but you're still not allowed.
These seats are very expensive.Copy !req
334. No. Please don't send me back there.
I'll do anything. It's so nice up here.Copy !req
335. It's so comfortable up here.
I don't wanna go back there.Copy !req
336. Please, don't send me back there.Copy !req
337. Oh, you got cookies.Copy !req
338. You're going to have to
go back to your seat.Copy !req
339. Okay, fine. I'll go back.Copy !req
340. You know, our goal should be
a society without classes.Copy !req
341. Do you realize the people up here
are getting cookies?Copy !req
342. What is all the racket back there?Copy !req
343. You're trying to relax on the plane, and
this is what you have to put up with.Copy !req
344. What is going on?Copy !req
345. Sir, this woman tried
to sneak into first class.Copy !req
346. Oh, you see, that's terrible.Copy !req
347. The problem is
that curtain is no security.Copy !req
348. There really should be
a locking door.Copy !req
349. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
350. Sorry.Copy !req
351. Hey!Copy !req
352. Come on. Let go of me. I'm telling
you, I didn't do anything wrong.Copy !req
353. - That guy owes me 240 bucks.
- Listen, pal, you're in big trouble.Copy !req
354. Couldn't be.Copy !req
355. Where are they already?
I don't see them anywhere.Copy !req
356. I got my bags. I'm ready to go.Copy !req
357. Yeah, you got your bags.Copy !req
358. That was the worst flight
I've ever been on in my entire life.Copy !req
359. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
360. - I'll call you.
- Okay.Copy !req
361. It's a business thing.Copy !req
362. Hey.Copy !req
363. - You guys ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
364. Where's George?Copy !req
365. Kramer!Copy !req
366. But I have to admit that I like flying.
I like those...Copy !req
367. little bathrooms that
they have on the plane.Copy !req
368. It's like a small apartment
of your own on the plane.Copy !req
369. You go in, close the door,
the light comes on.Copy !req
370. It's like a surprise party
every time you go in there.Copy !req
371. But the worst way
of flying, I think, is standby.Copy !req
372. You ever fly standby?
It never works.Copy !req
373. That's why they call it "standby."You
end up standing there going, "Bye.Copy !req
374. I didn't...Copy !req
375. Yeah."Copy !req
376. I was on this plane
where the flight attendant-Copy !req
377. It was her first day on the job. So
they didn't have a uniform for her yet.Copy !req
378. And that really makes
a big difference.Copy !req
379. Here's just some regular person
coming over, going:Copy !req
380. "Would you bring
your seatback all the way up?"Copy !req
381. "Who the hell are you?"Copy !req
382. She says,
"I'm the flight attendant."Copy !req
383. "Yeah, well,
then I'm the pilot, all right?Copy !req
384. So why don't you sit down?
I'm about to bring her in."Copy !req