1. You don't wanna visualize
your parents having sex.Copy !req
2. It's somehow very uncomfortable.Copy !req
3. You know they had to have sex
at least once to have you.Copy !req
4. But you still kind of maintain
the image in your head:Copy !req
5. "Well, I don't know. I'm not positive.
I can't prove it.Copy !req
6. I don't know if that
actually happened."Copy !req
7. That's why if I found I was adopted,
that would come as great news.Copy !req
8. "I'm adopted? That's great."Copy !req
9. I'd be happy to hear that.
That means technically...Copy !req
10. it's possible, that my mother and
father are just really great friends.Copy !req
11. Sex is great, but you don't wanna
think your whole life began...Copy !req
12. because somebody had a little
too much wine with dinner.Copy !req
13. Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
14. You're a hostage captured
by terrorists.Copy !req
15. - Who, me?
- You, anybody. Whatever.Copy !req
16. You're in the little room.
You're chained to the floor.Copy !req
17. You're there for a long time.Copy !req
18. Do you think they would consider
doing laundry?Copy !req
19. They have to.
It's in the Geneva Convention.Copy !req
20. You. Take off your socks
and pants. We're doing the wash.Copy !req
21. Come on. Take it off.
Take it off.Copy !req
22. - Hey, Georgie.
- Hi.Copy !req
23. What's the matter?Copy !req
24. My mother caught me.Copy !req
25. Caught you? Doing what?Copy !req
26. You know.Copy !req
27. I was alone...Copy !req
28. You mean-?Copy !req
29. - She caught you?
- Where?Copy !req
30. I stopped by the house
to drop the car off...Copy !req
31. and I went inside
for a few minutes.Copy !req
32. Nobody was there.
They're supposed to be working.Copy !req
33. My mother had a G/amour magazine.
I started leafing through it.Copy !req
34. G/amour?Copy !req
35. - So one thing led to another.
- What did she do?Copy !req
36. First she screams, "George, what are
you doing? My God!"Copy !req
37. Looked like she was gonna faint.Copy !req
38. She started clutching the wall,
trying to hang onto it.Copy !req
39. I didn't know whether to keep her
from falling or zip up.Copy !req
40. - What did you do?
- I zipped up.Copy !req
41. - So she fell?
- Yeah.Copy !req
42. Well, I couldn't run over there
the way I was.Copy !req
43. - No, I guess you couldn't.
- I wouldn't think so.Copy !req
44. So she fell, and then she starts
screaming, "My back, my back!"Copy !req
45. I picked her up. I took her
to the hospital.Copy !req
46. - How is she?
- She's in traction.Copy !req
47. - I'm sorry.
- It's not funny, Elaine.Copy !req
48. I know. I'm sorry. It's serious.Copy !req
49. Her back went out. She's gotta be
there for a couple of days.Copy !req
50. All she said on the way over
in the car was, "Why, George, why?"Copy !req
51. I said, "Because it's there."Copy !req
52. G/amour?Copy !req
53. I'll tell you this, though:Copy !req
54. I am never doing...Copy !req
55. that again.Copy !req
56. What? You mean in your mother's
house or altogether?Copy !req
57. - Altogether.
- Give me a break.Copy !req
58. Yeah, right.Copy !req
59. - You don't think I can?
- No chance.Copy !req
60. - You think you could?
- I could hold out longer than you.Copy !req
61. Care to make it interesting?Copy !req
62. Sure. How much?Copy !req
63. Hundred dollars?Copy !req
64. You're on.Copy !req
65. Wait a second. Wait a second.
Count me in on this.Copy !req
66. You? You'll be out before we
get the check.Copy !req
67. I want in on this.Copy !req
68. - No, no.
- It's apples and oranges.Copy !req
69. - It's different.
- Why? Why?Copy !req
70. - Because you're a woman.
- So what?Copy !req
71. It's easier for a woman not to do it
than a man. We have to do it.Copy !req
72. It's part of our lifestyle.Copy !req
73. It's like shaving.Copy !req
74. That is such baloney.
I shave my legs.Copy !req
75. Not every day.Copy !req
76. - You wanna be in?
- Yeah.Copy !req
77. You gotta give us odds.
At least 2-1. You gotta put up $200.Copy !req
78. No. A thousand.Copy !req
79. No. I'll put up 150.Copy !req
80. - All right. You're in for 150.
- Okay, 150.Copy !req
81. How we gonna monitor this?Copy !req
82. Obviously, we all know each
other very well.Copy !req
83. I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable...Copy !req
84. within the confines
of the honour system.Copy !req
85. All right. Come on.Copy !req
86. No, Ma. I'm not gonna
see a psychiatrist.Copy !req
87. I don't care if you do pay for it.Copy !req
88. No. Discussion over.Copy !req
89. Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.Copy !req
90. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by.Copy !req
91. All right.Copy !req
92. My mother wants me
to see a psychiatrist now.Copy !req
93. Why? Because she caught me?Copy !req
94. You know, if everyone who did
that had to go see a psychiatrist...Copy !req
95. Yeah...?Copy !req
96. Whatever.Copy !req
97. - How is she?
- Fine. I gotta see her at the hospital.Copy !req
98. - Yeah?
- It's me.Copy !req
99. Come on up.Copy !req
100. - Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Date with Marla.Copy !req
101. - Oh, the virgin?
- Yeah.Copy !req
102. Any progress there?
What's the latest?Copy !req
103. I got my troops amassed
along the border.Copy !req
104. I'm waiting for someone to give me
the go-ahead.Copy !req
105. Look at this. Come here. There's
a naked woman across the street.Copy !req
106. Where?Copy !req
107. Second floor from the top.
See the window on the left?Copy !req
108. Who walks around
the house like that?Copy !req
109. Maybe she's a nudist. You know those
nudist-colony people.Copy !req
110. Yeah.Copy !req
111. Yeah.Copy !req
112. Let me ask you,
in these nudist colonies...Copy !req
113. do they eat naked
in the dining room?Copy !req
114. I would imagine it's all naked.Copy !req
115. Are the chambermaids naked too?Copy !req
116. They're naked. The gardener's naked.
Bellhops.Copy !req
117. It's one big nude-o-rama.Copy !req
118. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
119. Well, where's my money?
Who caved?Copy !req
120. - Not me.
- Not me.Copy !req
121. - What are you looking at?
- A naked woman across the street.Copy !req
122. This is gonna be the easiest
money I've ever made in my life.Copy !req
123. My friend Joyce is teaching an
aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.Copy !req
124. Yeah, well, the waitress
should've taken it back.Copy !req
125. Then, I got a call this morning. I was
chosen to go on the space shuttle.Copy !req
126. - We're going to Mars.
- Have a good time.Copy !req
127. I'm out.Copy !req
128. What?Copy !req
129. Yeah, I'm out.
I'm out of the contest.Copy !req
130. - You're out?
- Yeah.Copy !req
131. Wow, that was fast.Copy !req
132. Well, it was that woman
across the street.Copy !req
133. You know, you better be careful,
buddy. She'll get you next.Copy !req
134. And then there were three.Copy !req
135. I don't understand you. I really don't.Copy !req
136. You have nothing better to do
at 3:00 in the afternoon?Copy !req
137. I go out for a quart of milk.Copy !req
138. I come home and find
my son treating his body...Copy !req
139. like it was an amusement park.Copy !req
140. Ma...Copy !req
141. Don't give me "Ma."It's good
I didn't hit the table.Copy !req
142. I could have cracked my head open.Copy !req
143. People can hear you.Copy !req
144. Too bad you can't do that
for a living.Copy !req
145. You'd be very successful at it.Copy !req
146. You could sell out
Madison Square Garden.Copy !req
147. Thousands of people
could watch you.Copy !req
148. You could be a big star.Copy !req
149. All right. That's enough.Copy !req
150. I want you to go see a psychiatrist.Copy !req
151. No! I am not going
to see a psychiatrist!Copy !req
152. - Why not? Why won't you go?
- Because I don't want to.Copy !req
153. - I want you to go see somebody.
- Well, I am not going.Copy !req
154. It's a good thing
your father's in Chicago.Copy !req
155. Hello, Aunt Estelle.Copy !req
156. - Look at you. How did this happen?
- Is that important, really?Copy !req
157. What is this, a police investigation?
She's been through enough.Copy !req
158. She has to relive the experience?Copy !req
159. Hi, Denise. 6:30, time for
your sponge bath.Copy !req
160. Is it 6:30 already? I fell asleep.Copy !req
161. So, George...Copy !req
162. what are you doing now?Copy !req
163. I hear you got some kind of
television writing thing.Copy !req
164. Yeah. Television.Copy !req
165. Let me help you off with that.
Here, just slip it over your head.Copy !req
166. Well, it's about time.Copy !req
167. We thought you were gonna
wind up on the street.Copy !req
168. So...Copy !req
169. what is it you're doing, exactly?Copy !req
170. George, your cousin Shelly
is talking to you!Copy !req
171. So when was the last time
you took a class?Copy !req
172. - It's been a while.
- Are you psyched?Copy !req
173. Yeah. I'm really psyched.Copy !req
174. You'll thank me
for getting you in here.Copy !req
175. - Why is that?
- See the guy with the dark hair...Copy !req
176. and the red shorts?Copy !req
177. Oh, my God.Copy !req
178. John F. Kennedy Jr. is here.Copy !req
179. - He's gonna be in your class today.
- In my class?Copy !req
180. John Kennedy will be in my class?Copy !req
181. I can get you a spot
right behind him.Copy !req
182. He has got a great butt.Copy !req
183. Yeah. Butt, butt.
Great butt. John-John's butt.Copy !req
184. - Let's slow it down a little.
- Slow it down?Copy !req
185. Well, you know.Copy !req
186. Yeah. I know.Copy !req
187. You're okay with that, right?Copy !req
188. Yeah. Yeah. Of course.Copy !req
189. You think I care about the sex? What
kind of person do you think I am?Copy !req
190. That doesn't mean anything to me.
I don't care about that.Copy !req
191. - I'll see you Saturday night, then?
- Sure. Saturday night.Copy !req
192. - All right, then. Good night.
- Good night.Copy !req
193. Not just a good night.
A great night.Copy !req
194. Good morning.Copy !req
195. Yeah, good morning.Copy !req
196. Nothing like some good,
solid sack-time.Copy !req
197. She's not there.Copy !req
198. She's doing her wash.Copy !req
199. So did you make it
through the night?Copy !req
200. Yes, I'm proud to say I did.Copy !req
201. So you're still master
of your domain.Copy !req
202. Yes. Yes, I am.Copy !req
203. Master of my domain.Copy !req
204. But I will tell you this:Copy !req
205. I am going over to her apartment...Copy !req
206. and I'm telling her to put
those shades down.Copy !req
207. Wait. What did you just say?Copy !req
208. I can't take it anymore.Copy !req
209. She's driving me crazy.
I can't sleep.Copy !req
210. I can't leave the house.
I'm climbing walls.Copy !req
211. I'm dating a virgin,
I'm in this contest.Copy !req
212. Something's gotta give.Copy !req
213. Do you hear what you're saying?
Can you hear it?Copy !req
214. This is a beautiful woman
walking around naked...Copy !req
215. and you wanna tell her to stop?Copy !req
216. That's the dumbest thing
I ever heard!Copy !req
217. It's incomprehensible-
I won't let you.Copy !req
218. - I'm doing it. Get out of my way.
- No, no. You can't.Copy !req
219. This is something that comes about
once in a lifetime.Copy !req
220. When we were boys looking through
our windows...Copy !req
221. we'd think, "Why can't a woman
out there take her clothes off?"Copy !req
222. Now that wish has come true,
and you wanna throw it away?Copy !req
223. - I'm sorry.
- I'm not gonna let you do it.Copy !req
224. - Kramer, get out of my way.
- Don't do it.Copy !req
225. For my sake. God knows,
I don't ask you for much.Copy !req
226. Please, Jerry. I'm begging you.
Please! Come on! Please!Copy !req
227. - All right, all right.
- Yes!Copy !req
228. Thank you, thank you, thank you.Copy !req
229. She's not there.Copy !req
230. Oh, I can wait.Copy !req
231. The nurse was giving her
a sponge bath?Copy !req
232. Every night at 6:30.Copy !req
233. The nurse was gorgeous.Copy !req
234. Then I got a look at the patient.Copy !req
235. I was going nuts.Copy !req
236. I guess you'll be going back
to that hospital.Copy !req
237. Well, my mother, Jerry.Copy !req
238. But are you still
master of your domain?Copy !req
239. I am king of the county.Copy !req
240. - You?
- Lord of the manor.Copy !req
241. John F. Kennedy Jr.Copy !req
242. What?Copy !req
243. He was in my aerobics class.Copy !req
244. Really? Did you talk to him?Copy !req
245. No, you don't understand.
He was working out in front of me.Copy !req
246. After the class was over,
I timed my walk to the door...Copy !req
247. so we'd get there
at the exact same moment.Copy !req
248. And he says to me,
"Quite a workout."Copy !req
249. "Quite a workout"?Copy !req
250. - What did you say?
- I said, "Yeah."Copy !req
251. Good one.Copy !req
252. Listen, listen. Then I showered,
and I dressed...Copy !req
253. and I saw him again
on the way out.Copy !req
254. So we're walking and talking,
and he asked me my name...Copy !req
255. and I think I said Elaine,
but I mean, who the hell knows?Copy !req
256. So then he says to me:Copy !req
257. "Do you wanna split
a cab uptown?"Copy !req
258. And I said, "Sure,"even though
I was going downtown.Copy !req
259. So we get in the cab, and I mean,
I have no idea where I'm going, right?Copy !req
260. But this is John F. Kennedy Jr.
we're talking about.Copy !req
261. So he says, "Where do you live?"Copy !req
262. I was close to your block,
so I said your building.Copy !req
263. He dropped me off in front...Copy !req
264. and then I had to take a cab all
the way back downtown to my house.Copy !req
265. Oh, God.Copy !req
266. The question is...Copy !req
267. are you still master
of your domain?Copy !req
268. I'm queen of the castle.Copy !req
269. You're back.Copy !req
270. Of course I'm back.Copy !req
271. Why wouldn't I be back?Copy !req
272. My mother is in the hospital.
I'm gonna pay her a visit.Copy !req
273. I know, but two days in a row?Copy !req
274. You didn't have to do this.Copy !req
275. You're my mother.
What wouldn't I do for you?Copy !req
276. You know what you could do?Copy !req
277. I haven't eaten lunch or dinner.Copy !req
278. I can't eat this hospital food.Copy !req
279. Maybe you could run down to the deli
and get me a sandwich.Copy !req
280. You got it, Ma.Copy !req
281. A little later.Copy !req
282. Could you go now, Georgie?
I'm very hungry. I'm weak.Copy !req
283. Wait a while. What's the difference?Copy !req
284. I don't understand why
you can't do this for me!Copy !req
285. I just got here, Ma. I'd like to spend
a little time with you.Copy !req
286. But if you wait, they won't
let you back in!Copy !req
287. Visiting hours are almost over!Copy !req
288. Ten minutes. Here.
Have some Tic Tacs.Copy !req
289. Get the hell out of here.Copy !req
290. I'm sorry you came.Copy !req
291. 6:30. Time for your bath.Copy !req
292. George. I'm hungry.Copy !req
293. Hang on, Ma. Hang on.Copy !req
294. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
295. Did you get your hair done today?Copy !req
296. No, I just fixed it a little bit.Copy !req
297. You-know-who isn't here.Copy !req
298. He was in the early class today,
but I think...Copy !req
299. you made quite an impression
on him yesterday.Copy !req
300. What? What? Who? Me?Copy !req
301. - What impression?
- Let me put this back.Copy !req
302. No, no, now! Tell me now!
What did he say?Copy !req
303. - He asked about you.
- He asked about me?Copy !req
304. John Kennedy asked about me?
What did he say?Copy !req
305. He wanted to know your situation.Copy !req
306. - I have a situation?
- I said you were single.Copy !req
307. - That was good. That was very good.
- He said you were his type.Copy !req
308. Okay. You're trying to hurt me?
You're trying to injure me?Copy !req
309. He told me to tell you he'll be in your
neighbourhood tomorrow around 9:00.Copy !req
310. He'll stop in front of your building if
you wanna come down and say hello.Copy !req
311. All right, Ma.
I'll talk to you later.Copy !req
312. Nothing. I'm watching
Tiny Toons here on Nickelodeon.Copy !req
313. I like kids' shows. They have a very
innocent, wholesome quality.Copy !req
314. Okay. All right, talk to you later. Bye.Copy !req
315. Yeah, that's good. That's good.
That's very, very good.Copy !req
316. It's hot in there, so just walk around.Copy !req
317. Yeah. Don't be ashamed.
Don't be ashamed. That's good.Copy !req
318. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
319. The woman across the b/ock
Has nothing onCopy !req
320. Nothing on, nothing onCopy !req
321. The woman across the b/ock
Has nothing on, nothing onCopy !req
322. A/ through the dayCopy !req
323. All you got is instant coffee?
Why don't you get some real coffee?Copy !req
324. I don't keep real coffee here.
I get my coffee on the outside.Copy !req
325. Yeah!Copy !req
326. - It's E/aine.
- Come on up!Copy !req
327. - Where did you get those socks?
- I don't know.Copy !req
328. - I think those are my socks.
- How are these your socks?Copy !req
329. I don't know, but those are my socks.Copy !req
330. I had a blue-striped pair just like that,
and now I don't have them anymore.Copy !req
331. Yeah, you fell asleep on the sofa,
and I took them off your stinking feet!Copy !req
332. They looked so good,
I had to have them!Copy !req
333. - Well, they're my socks!
- They're my socks!Copy !req
334. - Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- What are we doing here?Copy !req
335. - This is ridiculous.
- You believe this? We're fighting.Copy !req
336. I haven't been myself.
I'm snapping at people.Copy !req
337. I'm yelling at strangers
on the street.Copy !req
338. Hello.Copy !req
339. You caved?Copy !req
340. - It's over?
- You're out?Copy !req
341. Oh, my God.
The queen is dead.Copy !req
342. I figured you'd cruise,
at least through the spring.Copy !req
343. - What happened?
- It was...Copy !req
344. John-John.Copy !req
345. - John-John.
- John-John.Copy !req
346. You made it through
the day before.Copy !req
347. But he told Joyce that he wants to
meet me outside here at 9:00 tonight.Copy !req
348. - Why outside here?
- Because he thinks I live here.Copy !req
349. Remember the cab? He dropped me off
out front. He's picking me up.Copy !req
350. All right, Costanza...Copy !req
351. it's you and me.Copy !req
352. And then, there were two.Copy !req
353. Elaine Benes...Copy !req
354. Kennedy Jr.Copy !req
355. Let's go in the bedroom.Copy !req
356. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
357. - You sure?
- Yes.Copy !req
358. - You really want to?
- I do. I'm ready.Copy !req
359. Okay.Copy !req
360. I know how difficult this
must have been for you.Copy !req
361. You don't know the half of it.Copy !req
362. - What do you mean?
- It's kind of silly, but-Copy !req
363. Contest? A contest?Copy !req
364. This is what you do
with your friends?Copy !req
365. It was just a bet. It actually started
with George and his mother.Copy !req
366. I don't wanna hear
another word!Copy !req
367. To think how close I came to you
being the one!Copy !req
368. I must have been out of my mind.Copy !req
369. Marla.Copy !req
370. Hi.
I'm glad I ran into you.Copy !req
371. I don't wanna have anything to do
with you or your perverted friends.Copy !req
372. Get away from me.
You're horrible, horrible. All of you.Copy !req
373. - What happened?
- I told her about the contest.Copy !req
374. Boy. She's a wacko.Copy !req
375. - Hey, what happened?
- What?Copy !req
376. - You were meeting Kennedy.
- He didn't show.Copy !req
377. Yeah, he did.Copy !req
378. What? He's out there?Copy !req
379. - Oh, my God. I gotta go.
- No, no, he just left.Copy !req
380. - What?
- He was talking to Marla.Copy !req
381. Marla?Copy !req
382. She was, like, crying.
He was consoling her.Copy !req
383. She got into his car,
and they just drove away.Copy !req
384. - He left with Marla, the virgin?
- Yeah.Copy !req
385. - They drove away?
- Yeah, drove away.Copy !req
386. - You know, I said hello to him. He's-
- Oh, my God in heaven.Copy !req
387. Is that...?Copy !req
388. Kramer?Copy !req
389. He's waving.Copy !req
390. Oh, John...Copy !req
391. that was wonderful.Copy !req
392. Men wanna see women naked.Copy !req
393. Whatever it is you won't show us...Copy !req
394. that's what we're obsessed
with seeing.Copy !req
395. If women always wore hats in public,
all the time...Copy !req
396. you'd see men buying
P/ayhead magazine...Copy !req
397. you know, Sku/s of the Big 10.Copy !req
398. This would be what we're
interested in.Copy !req
399. What about cultures,
in Nationa/ Geographic...Copy !req
400. where everybody is naked?Copy !req
401. What are men in these cultures trying
to look at when the women walk by?Copy !req
402. How could you have a strip
club there?Copy !req
403. Woman takes off the necklace and
the nose ring, that's it, show's over.Copy !req
404. The men are going, "Boy, did you see
that little indentation in her lip?Copy !req
405. I told you, man, this place is hot."Copy !req