1. It's amazing to me
that people move...Copy !req
2. thousands of miles away
to another city.Copy !req
3. They think nothing of it.
They get on a plane.Copy !req
4. They live there now.Copy !req
5. Just a thousand miles-
I'm living over there.Copy !req
6. You know, pioneers- It took years
to cross the country.Copy !req
7. Now people will move thousands
of miles just for one season.Copy !req
8. I don't think any pioneers did that.Copy !req
9. "Yeah, it took us a decade
to get there...Copy !req
10. and we stayed for the summer.Copy !req
11. It was nice. It had a pool.
The kids loved it.Copy !req
12. And then we left about 10 years ago,
and we just got back.Copy !req
13. We had a great summer.
It took us 20 years...Copy !req
14. and now our lives are over."Copy !req
15. - Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
- Yeah.Copy !req
16. - Are you sure?
- Yeah.Copy !req
17. Murphy Brown, the TV show?Copy !req
18. Come on, will you?Copy !req
19. Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
That son of a gun.Copy !req
20. - It's something, isn't it?
- With Candice Bergen.Copy !req
21. - I know.
- I've always liked her.Copy !req
22. Remember her
in Carnal Knowledge?Copy !req
23. - Sure.
- She show her breasts in that?Copy !req
24. She's not really the naked type.Copy !req
25. I can't believe I missed Kramer.Copy !req
26. He asked me to go with him.Copy !req
27. - He did?
- Yeah. I turned him down.Copy !req
28. - Why didn't you tell me?
- He asked me to keep it a secret.Copy !req
29. - You can't keep a secret.
- I know.Copy !req
30. This was a record. My previous
record was when Jodi Hirsch...Copy !req
31. asked me not to tell anybody
we slept together.Copy !req
32. I kept a lid on that
for about 28 seconds.Copy !req
33. - Well, you've come a long way.
- I've matured.Copy !req
34. The Tonight Show
called and they want me...Copy !req
35. to do the show on the 28th.
They're giving me free tickets to L.A.Copy !req
36. You wanna go?Copy !req
37. A free ticket?Copy !req
38. Yeah. In fact, we could
track down Kramer.Copy !req
39. I always felt bad about the way
he left. That was a mess.Copy !req
40. I never should've taken back
those keys.Copy !req
41. - What about accommodations?
- All taken care of.Copy !req
42. Is there a meal allowance?Copy !req
43. What about seat assignments?Copy !req
44. Could I have the kosher meal?
I hear the kosher meal is good.Copy !req
45. And I need clothes.
I gotta get a haircut.Copy !req
46. And I have to refill
my allergy medication.Copy !req
47. Do I need a hat?
I need a hat, don't I?Copy !req
48. Could we do the Universal tour?
They have that Backdraft exhibit.Copy !req
49. Now, that looks very cool to me.Copy !req
50. See, my acting technique-
My personal acting technique...Copy !req
51. is working with colour.
Imagining colour...Copy !req
52. and then finding the emotional,
vibrational mood...Copy !req
53. connected to the colour.Copy !req
54. If you look through my scripts
you'll see that my lines...Copy !req
55. have a special colour.
So I don't memorize the language.Copy !req
56. I memorize colour. This way, I can
go through red, yellow, green, blue.Copy !req
57. And you have a full palette
of emotions.Copy !req
58. Hey.Copy !req
59. Didn't I tell you to get out of here?Copy !req
60. - Did you?
- Let's go.Copy !req
61. - I was just-
- Yeah, you were just nothing.Copy !req
62. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
63. We'll talk about this a little later.Copy !req
64. - Let's go.
- Are you an actor?Copy !req
65. See you, Mike!Copy !req
66. - Murphy Brown.
- Yeah, Candice Bergen, please.Copy !req
67. Who's caling, please?Copy !req
68. Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.Copy !req
69. All right, I'll- I'll call her at home.Copy !req
70. Here. Go ahead. It's all yours.Copy !req
71. - Hello, Kramer.
- Oh, Helene. How are you?Copy !req
72. I haven't worked since 1934.
How do you think I am?Copy !req
73. Well, that's only...Copy !req
74. - Fifty-eight years.
- It was a Three Stooges short.Copy !req
75. "Sappy Pappies."Copy !req
76. I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary,
remember?Copy !req
77. Right, yeah.
That was a Shemp, right?Copy !req
78. No, no. Curly.Copy !req
79. The boys played three sailors
who find a baby.Copy !req
80. The baby's been kidnapped,
and the police think they did it.Copy !req
81. - Right.
- Of course, they didn't do it.Copy !req
82. The police have made
an awful mistake.Copy !req
83. Moe hits Curly with an axe.Copy !req
84. - The Stooges catch the kidnappers.
- Right.Copy !req
85. - But it's too late.
- Really?Copy !req
86. - The baby's dead.
- Really?Copy !req
87. The boys are sent to death row
and are executed.Copy !req
88. Well, I don't remember that part.Copy !req
89. I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.Copy !req
90. Oh, yeah, yeah. You were very good.Copy !req
91. It was sad for a Three Stooges,
what with the dead baby...Copy !req
92. and the Stooges
being executed and all.Copy !req
93. Yeah, well, that was an unusual
choice for the Stooges.Copy !req
94. Would you like to buy me
a fat-free frozen yoghurt at the store?Copy !req
95. Well, you know, I can't right now,
you know.Copy !req
96. I got a very big meeting.Copy !req
97. I got these people interested
in my movie treatment.Copy !req
98. So we'll have to make it another time.Copy !req
99. No! No, no, don't go up there,
Kramer. They'll hurt you.Copy !req
100. You'll never make it in this town.
You're too sensitive, like me.Copy !req
101. Helene, you're wrong.
You know, I'm not that sensitive.Copy !req
102. I was engaged to Mickey Rooney.
He left me at the altar.Copy !req
103. Kramer.Copy !req
104. Kramer!Copy !req
105. - What is this?
- What?Copy !req
106. We're going on a two-day trip.
What are you, Diana Ross?Copy !req
107. I happen to dress based on mood.Copy !req
108. But you essentially wear
the same thing all the time.Copy !req
109. Seemingly. Seemingly.Copy !req
110. But within that basic framework,
there are many subtle variations...Copy !req
111. only discernible
to an acute observer...Copy !req
112. that reflect the many moods,
the many shades...Copy !req
113. the many sides
of George Costanza.Copy !req
114. - What mood is this?
- This is "morning mist."Copy !req
115. What do you figure? Twenty?Copy !req
116. - Twenty-one?
- Close enough.Copy !req
117. Forensics ought to be able
to nail it down.Copy !req
118. - No ID?
- No ID.Copy !req
119. - No witnesses?
- Just the trees, Johnny.Copy !req
120. Just the trees.Copy !req
121. Pretty young thing.Copy !req
122. She was.Copy !req
123. Not anymore.Copy !req
124. Somebody saw to that.Copy !req
125. Sure did, Johnny.Copy !req
126. Damn shame too.Copy !req
127. What do you make of it?Copy !req
128. I don't know.Copy !req
129. But I don't like it.Copy !req
130. Look at this guy.
He's like a cat burglar.Copy !req
131. He thinks if he goes through real slow,
the machine won't detect him.Copy !req
132. I've always been nervous
about going through these things.Copy !req
133. I'm afraid I'm gonna step
into another dimension.Copy !req
134. Just go.Copy !req
135. I made it.Copy !req
136. Empty your pockets, please.Copy !req
137. Walk through again, please.Copy !req
138. Are you sure you don't
have metal on you?Copy !req
139. - Bracelets, rings, anklets?
- Anklets? No.Copy !req
140. - A lot of men wear anklets.
- Really?Copy !req
141. - Yeah.
- What do you have in your bag, sir?Copy !req
142. - My bag?
- Step over here, please.Copy !req
143. - Over here?
- Do you have a knife in the bag?Copy !req
144. A knife?Copy !req
145. Open the bag, please.Copy !req
146. - What's this?
- Moisturizer.Copy !req
147. For your wife?Copy !req
148. No. I...Copy !req
149. I use it.Copy !req
150. Spread your arms and legs, please.Copy !req
151. Ladies and gentlemen,
I implore you.Copy !req
152. Have a good trip.Copy !req
153. - All right.
- That's it?Copy !req
154. - That's it.
- All right.Copy !req
155. Come on, Jerry, let's go.Copy !req
156. - What was that all about?
- I must have iron-rich blood.Copy !req
157. - Here we go. L.A.
- The coast.Copy !req
158. La-la land.Copy !req
159. - I got the window seat, right?
- Who said that?Copy !req
160. - I called it.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
161. It seems to me that the closest thing
we have to royalty in America...Copy !req
162. are the people that get
to ride in those carts...Copy !req
163. through the airport.Copy !req
164. Don't you hate these things?
They come out of nowhere.Copy !req
165. Beep-beep."Cart people.
Look out. Cart people. Look out."Copy !req
166. We all scurry out of the way
like worthless peasants.Copy !req
167. "It's cart people.Copy !req
168. I hope we didn't slow you down.Copy !req
169. Wave to the cart people, Timmy.
They're the best people in the world."Copy !req
170. You know, if you're too fat,
slow and disoriented...Copy !req
171. to get to your gate on time,
you're not ready for air travel.Copy !req
172. I hate the people that get
onto the moving walkway...Copy !req
173. and then just stand there.Copy !req
174. Like it's a ride.Copy !req
175. "Excuse me, there's no animated
pirates or bears along the way here.Copy !req
176. Do your legs work at all?"Copy !req
177. Yeah, I'm here for the audition.Copy !req
178. Which audition? The music video,
the horror movie...Copy !req
179. the exercise tape,
or the infomercial?Copy !req
180. Let's see. Well...Copy !req
181. You scream good.Copy !req
182. You too.Copy !req
183. - So can I keep this treatment?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. I got 20 copies.Copy !req
184. Because I can show it
to my manager.Copy !req
185. He has connections with
West German television money.Copy !req
186. Yeah, they're trying to put together
a miniseries for me on Eva Braun.Copy !req
187. I mean, think about it.
Is that a great idea?Copy !req
188. We know nothing about Eva Braun,
only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.Copy !req
189. What was it like having sex
with Adolf Hitler?Copy !req
190. What do you wear in a bunker?
What did her parents think of Hitler...Copy !req
191. - ... as a potential son-in-law?
- Wait, hold on.Copy !req
192. Look who's over there.
Don't look, don't look.Copy !req
193. It's Fred Savage.Copy !req
194. - Big deal.
- He'd be perfect for my movie.Copy !req
195. This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.Copy !req
196. I gotta go over there. I gotta give him
a copy of my treatment.Copy !req
197. Why are you breathing so hard?Copy !req
198. I'm just a little nervous.Copy !req
199. Okay, I gotta relax.Copy !req
200. All right. Wish me luck, huh?Copy !req
201. Hey. Oh, did I frighten you?Copy !req
202. I'm not crazy. I look weird,
but I'm just like you.Copy !req
203. I'm just a regular guy trying
to make it in this business.Copy !req
204. I really like your work. The...Copy !req
205. - Thank you.
- I can't remember the name.Copy !req
206. - My mind's a blank. I'm nervous.
- That's okay.Copy !req
207. - You know...
- Just relax.Copy !req
208. Okay, yeah. But I got-Copy !req
209. Stupid table.
I'm not normally like this.Copy !req
210. Usually I'm cool and charming.
I don't mean to bother you.Copy !req
211. It's fate that you're here
at the same time as me.Copy !req
212. It's fate. You can't avoid your fate.Copy !req
213. I got this treatment
I think you'd be great in.Copy !req
214. - I'll give it to you.
- Yeah, okay. Thank you.Copy !req
215. Excuse me.
Oh, wait. Are you going now?Copy !req
216. - Bye.
- Wait, wait.Copy !req
217. Yeah, that's Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R.Copy !req
218. I don't know, wavy. George, how
would you describe Kramer's hair?Copy !req
219. - Curly.
- Wavy.Copy !req
220. - What did you ask me for?
- Yeah. I'll hold on.Copy !req
221. George, did you see a piece
of paper on the nightstand...Copy !req
222. - ... like, crumpled up like a napkin?
- No.Copy !req
223. Because I had three jokes on it.
They were perfectly worded...Copy !req
224. just the way I wanted to have it.Copy !req
225. I can't find it.Copy !req
226. Hello?Copy !req
227. Hey, a shoe-buffing machine.Copy !req
228. I don't know, 6'3"?
George, how tall is Kramer?Copy !req
229. You got your own shampoo,
conditioner...Copy !req
230. Body lotion, Jerry, body lotion.Copy !req
231. - About 6'3".
- A shower cap.Copy !req
232. Come in.Copy !req
233. Hello. I have more towels.Copy !req
234. Oh, good, good. Come in, come in.
Welcome. I'm George.Copy !req
235. - Hello.
- Hi. And this is Jerry...Copy !req
236. over there on the phone.
That's Jerry. And you are...?Copy !req
237. - Lupe.
- Lupe. That's very nice.Copy !req
238. Are you gonna be making the bed
in the morning?Copy !req
239. - Oh, yes.
- Fine, excellent.Copy !req
240. Could you do me a favour?Copy !req
241. Could you not tuck the blankets in?Copy !req
242. Because I can't sleep all tucked in.Copy !req
243. - Oh, yes, yes.
- Yes.Copy !req
244. I like to just be able
to take the blankets...Copy !req
245. and swish them and swirl them.
You know what I mean?Copy !req
246. You know, I don't like them
all tucked in. I just don't.Copy !req
247. I like to have a lot of room. I like
to have my toes pointed up in the air.Copy !req
248. I just like to scrunch up the blankets.Copy !req
249. Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.Copy !req
250. Exactly. You know
what I'm talking about, right?Copy !req
251. Yes. It's too tight.Copy !req
252. - Him too?
- You want your blankets tucked in?Copy !req
253. - What?
- Want your blankets tucked in?Copy !req
254. - What blankets?
- When Lupe makes up the beds.Copy !req
255. I don't know. Whatever they do.Copy !req
256. I tuck in, yes?Copy !req
257. Tuck in. Tuck in.Copy !req
258. All right. So that's one tuck
and one no-tuck.Copy !req
259. - Okay.
- Yes. One second, sweetheart.Copy !req
260. Jerry, it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.Copy !req
261. Excuse me. Fine.
You don't want me to tuck...Copy !req
262. put me down for a no-tuck.Copy !req
263. It's two no-tucks.Copy !req
264. Hang on a second. You know what?
Changed my mind. Make it a tuck.Copy !req
265. - You just said you weren't tucking.
- I'm tucking.Copy !req
266. Hello? Hello? They hung up on me.Copy !req
267. They don't know
where Kramer is anyway.Copy !req
268. Alrighty. So that's one tuck
and one no-tuck. You got that?Copy !req
269. Excuse me. Did you see a piece
of paper on the nightstand here...Copy !req
270. earlier today,
crumpled up like a napkin?Copy !req
271. Oh, yes, yes. I throw away
when we clean the room.Copy !req
272. - Oh, okay. Thanks.
- Thank you.Copy !req
273. Thank you. All right, Lupe,
bye-bye now.Copy !req
274. - Bye.
- Bye-bye.Copy !req
275. I can't believe she threw that out.Copy !req
276. I had the perfect wording of a joke
I was gonna do about the airport.Copy !req
277. I was gonna do it on The Tonight Show.
Now I can't remember it.Copy !req
278. What did you want?
You left it on the table.Copy !req
279. They're not supposed
to throw everything out.Copy !req
280. Hey, hey!
It's not Lupe's fault.Copy !req
281. - You shouldn't have left it out.
- All right.Copy !req
282. Get your thing together
and let's get out of here.Copy !req
283. All right. Now, what mood am I in?
What mood am I-?Copy !req
284. - You shouldn't have tucked.
- I like it tucked.Copy !req
285. Nobody tucks anymore.Copy !req
286. - Hey, lieutenant?
- Yeah.Copy !req
287. This was found on her person.Copy !req
288. On her person?Copy !req
289. - What kind of expression is that?
- I don't know, sir. Police lingo.Copy !req
290. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
291. What's your name, son?Copy !req
292. - Ross.
- Ross.Copy !req
293. - You see that person there, Ross?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
294. She's dead.Copy !req
295. - Have you got that?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
296. Good.Copy !req
297. Get out before you find yourself
on transit patrol...Copy !req
298. writing tickets to senior citizens
with fake bus passes.Copy !req
299. Yes, sir.Copy !req
300. I think we just caught a break.Copy !req
301. This is very exciting.Copy !req
302. You're on The Tonight Show. NBC.
Who else is on the show?Copy !req
303. - I don't know.
- You might meet a celebrity.Copy !req
304. I can't believe she threw out
my napkin.Copy !req
305. What are you worried about?
You know it.Copy !req
306. - You're gonna be all right here?
- Yeah. Go about your business.Copy !req
307. - I'll just wander around.
- All right. Don't wander too far.Copy !req
308. - I'll meet you back here in 15 minutes.
- Go, go. Don't worry about me.Copy !req
309. Hey.Copy !req
310. Corbin Bernsen.Copy !req
311. How you doing?Copy !req
312. - Big fan. Big fan.
- Thank you.Copy !req
313. - Hey, you grew a beard, huh?
- Yeah.Copy !req
314. Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing a movie
during my hiatus.Copy !req
315. Hey, you know...Copy !req
316. Do I have a case for you guys
to do on L.A. Law.Copy !req
317. Really.Copy !req
318. So mind you, at this point, I'm only
going out with her two, three weeks.Copy !req
319. So she goes out of town,
and she asks me to feed her cat.Copy !req
320. So, at this time, there's a lot of stuff
going on in my life...Copy !req
321. and it slips my mind
for a few days.Copy !req
322. Maybe a week. Not even a week.
Five, six days.Copy !req
323. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, what happened?Copy !req
324. Well, it's the damnedest thing.Copy !req
325. The cat dies.Copy !req
326. So she comes back. She finds the cat,
lying on the carpet, stiff as a board.Copy !req
327. - So you killed the cat?
- That's what she says.Copy !req
328. I say, "Listen...Copy !req
329. It was an old cat.
It died of natural causes."Copy !req
330. So get this. Now she tells me
that I gotta buy her a brand-new cat.Copy !req
331. I say, "Listen, honey,
first of all...Copy !req
332. it was a pretty old cat. I'm not
gonna buy you a brand-new cat...Copy !req
333. to replace an old dying cat.Copy !req
334. And second of all,
I go out to the garbage...Copy !req
335. I find you a new cat
in 15 seconds."Copy !req
336. I say, "You show me an autopsy report
that says this cat died of starvation...Copy !req
337. I spring for a new cat."Copy !req
338. So she says something to me,
like, I don't know...Copy !req
339. "Get the hell out of here."
And she breaks up with me.Copy !req
340. Now, don't you think that would be
a great case on L.A. Law?Copy !req
341. I don't wanna tell you
how to run your show-Copy !req
342. No, of course not.Copy !req
343. It's enough with the bar already,
you know?Copy !req
344. Have they thought
about changing the setting?Copy !req
345. Doubt it. I doubt it. Yeah.Copy !req
346. People do meet in places
besides a bar.Copy !req
347. Well, yeah, they do.Copy !req
348. What about a rec room, huh?Copy !req
349. - Or a community centre.
- You ought to write one of those.Copy !req
350. I'll bring it up with the producers.
I gotta...Copy !req
351. Fabulous. I'll think about that,
George. Thank you.Copy !req
352. - How's it going?
- Great, great.Copy !req
353. I actually just had two meaningful,
intelligent conversations...Copy !req
354. with Corbin Bernsen
and George Wendt.Copy !req
355. - Really?
- Yeah. Not fan talk. Not gushing.Copy !req
356. You know? Actual conversation.
I was incredibly articulate.Copy !req
357. You got toilet paper
on your heel there.Copy !req
358. It's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.Copy !req
359. Tonight Jay welcomes
Corbin Bernsen, George Wendt...Copy !req
360. and comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.Copy !req
361. Oh, yeah. People are always trying
to give me a great case for L.A. Law.Copy !req
362. Just a few seconds ago,
right outside in the hallway...Copy !req
363. this nut, some sick nut
comes up to me...Copy !req
364. and says he was supposed
to watch this girl's cat...Copy !req
365. while she was away out of town.
Anyway, he forgets to feed the cat.Copy !req
366. The cat dies, starves to death.
He kills the cat.Copy !req
367. Refuses to get her a new one.Copy !req
368. Won't give her any money,
won't pay her.Copy !req
369. And he wants Arnie Becker
to represent him. Nice guy.Copy !req
370. Yeah, that'd make a great case
for L.A. Law.Copy !req
371. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
372. He's a very handsome man.
Passionate, intense.Copy !req
373. But troubled, strange.Copy !req
374. I think he may be in love with me.Copy !req
375. Of course, there's nothing abnormal
about that. I have many suitors.Copy !req
376. It's funny, because
even after all these years...Copy !req
377. we still get people giving us advice
how to improve the show.Copy !req
378. Actually, a few moments ago,
I ran into a nut back there...Copy !req
379. who said that maybe
we should think about...Copy !req
380. you know, not doing the show
in a bar.Copy !req
381. So that's when I said,
"Hey, Kramer, dude...Copy !req
382. you ever kill a man before?"Copy !req
383. And he said,
"What do you think, junior?Copy !req
384. These hands have been
soaking in Ivory Liquid?"Copy !req
385. That guy you talked to,
what did he look like?Copy !req
386. - Short little bald guy with glasses.
- That's the same guy I talked to.Copy !req
387. Never ends, does it?Copy !req
388. So I'm going through the airport,
and I put my bag on that little...Copy !req
389. The... The conveyor belt.Copy !req
390. Issue an arrest warrant.
Put out an APB.Copy !req
391. Let's pick up this...Copy !req
392. Kramer.Copy !req
393. - I was terrible.
- What, are you crazy? You were fine.Copy !req
394. I couldn't remember
what I was trying to say.Copy !req
395. - That whole thing about the...
- Conveyor belt.Copy !req
396. Yeah. Because she threw out
my napkin.Copy !req
397. I can't believe-
You're blaming Lupe?Copy !req
398. Yes. Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.Copy !req
399. There's been a break...Copy !req
400. in the so-caled Smog Stranglings.
Police have just released a photo...Copy !req
401. of the suspect being sought
in connection with the slaying.Copy !req
402. He is known only as Kramer.Copy !req
403. Talk show hosts
never seem to have any idea...Copy !req
404. how much time is left in the show.Copy !req
405. They're always looking off-camera:
"Do we have time?Copy !req
406. How are we doing on time?Copy !req
407. Anybody know what the time is?
What's the time?"Copy !req
408. You never see Magnum P.I. go,
"Should I strangle him...Copy !req
409. or are we gonna take a break here?Copy !req
410. Can you stay for another beating?
I'll bop him in the head.Copy !req
411. We'll do a commercial, come back...Copy !req
412. I'll drive the car real fast.
Stay with us."Copy !req