1. Give me an explanation
why the pharmacist has to be...Copy !req
2. two and a half feet up
above everybody else.Copy !req
3. What the hell is he doing he can't be
on the floor with you and me?Copy !req
4. Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear
physicists, we're on the same level.Copy !req
5. Oh, no, he's gotta be
two and a half feet up.Copy !req
6. "Look out, everybody,
I'm working with pills.Copy !req
7. Spread out, give me some room."Copy !req
8. The only hard part of his whole job
that I could see...Copy !req
9. is typing everything
onto that little, tiny label.Copy !req
10. And has to try and get
all the words on there...Copy !req
11. keep the little piece of paper
in the roller of the typewriter.Copy !req
12. Oh, no. He's gotta be
two and a half feet up.Copy !req
13. "Yeah, I'd like to get this
prescription filled."Copy !req
14. "All right. You wait down there.Copy !req
15. Only I'm allowed up here."Copy !req
16. - Where'd you meet her?
- I met her on an elevator.Copy !req
17. On an elevator?
You met a woman on an elevator?Copy !req
18. - Impossible, right?
- You got less than 60 seconds.Copy !req
19. That's like dismantling a time bomb.Copy !req
20. - What got into you?
- I don't know. She was so beautiful...Copy !req
21. it was a pure reflex. The words...Copy !req
22. - ... just came out of my mouth.
- Wow. What did you say?Copy !req
23. You know, I'm the one responsible
for those crop circles in England.Copy !req
24. - Can you believe I did that?
- What did she say?Copy !req
25. What crop circles?Copy !req
26. - Not a good sign.
- Not everybody knows...Copy !req
27. what the crop circles are.
You know what the crop circles are?Copy !req
28. Crop circles?
Why don't you buy something?Copy !req
29. You got something in your teeth.Copy !req
30. - What?
- It's green.Copy !req
31. Oh, man, spinach. I've been
walking around like this all afternoon.Copy !req
32. - You bump into anybody you knew?
- I had a job interview.Copy !req
33. - How did it go?
- Take a guess.Copy !req
34. Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing
available at the present time...Copy !req
35. but should anything open up,
we'll be in touch.Copy !req
36. Okay, thanks.Copy !req
37. You don't need a job.
You got Audrey.Copy !req
38. Yeah. Right.Copy !req
39. - What's the matter?
- No. Nothing.Copy !req
40. - What?
- You won't think I'm a bad person?Copy !req
41. Too late for that.Copy !req
42. Because, believe me, I would only say
this to you and maybe a psychiatrist.Copy !req
43. What is it?Copy !req
44. Well...Copy !req
45. Her nose is a little big.Copy !req
46. Yeah, she's got a big nose.Copy !req
47. I mean, big would even be okay.Copy !req
48. It's beyond big.Copy !req
49. It's a schnoz.Copy !req
50. I'm aware that my own
physical dimensions...Copy !req
51. - ... are a little short of perfection.
- A little.Copy !req
52. Who am I to be thinking
about someone's nose?Copy !req
53. I should be grateful someone like her
looks at me. I have no job, nothing.Copy !req
54. But I have to say,
I think about the nose.Copy !req
55. I don't wanna think about it, I don't ask
to think about it, but I think about it.Copy !req
56. I go to bed, I tell myself, "Don't
think about the nose." I think about it.Copy !req
57. I look at her, I see the nose.Copy !req
58. Stop being so concerned with looks.Copy !req
59. - Have you said anything to her?
- No. Could never do that.Copy !req
60. The ironic thing is,
if she had a smaller nose...Copy !req
61. I never could've dated her. She'd be
out of my league with a smaller nose.Copy !req
62. And I really like her. I know that.Copy !req
63. And I know one other thing:Copy !req
64. I'm not getting past that nose.Copy !req
65. All right, shut up. Here they come.Copy !req
66. How can I not think about it?
Look at the size of this thing.Copy !req
67. My mother's going out with this guy
who leaves a jacket in her house.Copy !req
68. She gives to me. Well, two years later,
he shows up and takes it back.Copy !req
69. Now he's in prison.
Got arrested for mail fraud.Copy !req
70. So, Elaine, go over to the apartment,
tell the landlord you're his daughter...Copy !req
71. and you wanna bring him
the jacket.Copy !req
72. Won't the landlord know
I'm not the daughter?Copy !req
73. No, he's never met her.
She's in California.Copy !req
74. - Are you coming with me?
- Yeah, I have to. I'm your fiancé.Copy !req
75. Peter Von Nostrand.Copy !req
76. Why don't you just
commit yourself already?Copy !req
77. What is so special
about this jacket?Copy !req
78. - No, you don't wanna know.
- God...Copy !req
79. He believes it possesses some
extraordinary power over women.Copy !req
80. What's that splotch on your hand?Copy !req
81. I got stamped at the
reggae lounge last night.Copy !req
82. I'm going back there tonight. I'm not
gonna pay another cover charge.Copy !req
83. You didn't wash all day?Copy !req
84. Yeah, I washed. Just not the hand.Copy !req
85. You wouldn't believe the women
at this club. Man.Copy !req
86. It's amazing how many
beautiful women live in New York.Copy !req
87. I actually find it kind of intimidating.Copy !req
88. You're as pretty as any of them.
Just need a nose job.Copy !req
89. - Kramer!
- What? What?Copy !req
90. How could you say
something like that?Copy !req
91. What do you mean?
I just said she needs a nose job.Copy !req
92. No, no. There's nothing wrong
with her nose.Copy !req
93. - God, I'm so sorry, Audrey.
- Oh, it's okay.Copy !req
94. - What did you have to say that for?
- I was just trying to help out.Copy !req
95. Yeah, well, you can kiss that jacket
goodbye, Mr. Von Nausen.Copy !req
96. You see what happens
when you try to be nice?Copy !req
97. But what would the world be like...Copy !req
98. if people said whatever
they were thinking...Copy !req
99. all the time,
whenever it came to them?Copy !req
100. How long would a blind date last?Copy !req
101. About 13 seconds, I think.Copy !req
102. "Sorry, your rear end is too big."
"Okay, your breath stinks."Copy !req
103. "See you later. No problem. Goodbye."
"Okay, thank you very much."Copy !req
104. Elaine said I can stay with her
another month till Tina gets back.Copy !req
105. What are you thinking about?Copy !req
106. Thinking? Nothing.Copy !req
107. What could I possibly be thinking?Copy !req
108. You look like you've got something
on your mind.Copy !req
109. Yeah, right. I wish I had
something on my mind.Copy !req
110. So how about that Kramer?Copy !req
111. Yeah, how about him?Copy !req
112. - The way he just says stuff.
- He sure does.Copy !req
113. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
114. Yeah, he's quite a character.Copy !req
115. So, what did you think?Copy !req
116. About the pizza?Copy !req
117. No. About the nose job.Copy !req
118. Oh, the nose job. Yeah...Copy !req
119. I don't know. I—Copy !req
120. - Well, what did you think?
- Well, I've thought about it...Copy !req
121. - ... but I don't know.
- Yeah.Copy !req
122. You know, not that I care
one way or the other...Copy !req
123. but these doctors today do amazing
things. If you were so inclined.Copy !req
124. - And again, I'm not suggesting.
- I know. They're good.Copy !req
125. Peter Jennings had one.Copy !req
126. - Really?
- Probably. They all do.Copy !req
127. In my high school,
half my graduating class had them.Copy !req
128. Of course,
I'm from Long Island, so...Copy !req
129. It's really nothing.
It's like going to the dentist.Copy !req
130. - I hate the dentist.
- It's a cleaning.Copy !req
131. So you really think I should do this.Copy !req
132. If it makes you happy.
I don't focus on these things.Copy !req
133. I will tell you this, though.Copy !req
134. Unfortunately...Copy !req
135. we live in a very
superficial society.Copy !req
136. I don't condone it...Copy !req
137. but it's a fact of life.Copy !req
138. Well, maybe I should.Copy !req
139. - What the hell?
- Now you talked her into a nose job?Copy !req
140. - Me? I didn't say anything.
- You encouraged her to get one.Copy !req
141. - I didn't encourage. No encourage.
- "Peter Jennings had one"?Copy !req
142. It's possible.Copy !req
143. - You should accept her for who she is.
- No, George is right.Copy !req
144. - I wanna get one.
- I think it's a mistake.Copy !req
145. Me too. Really.Copy !req
146. Unless you'd really like one, then...Copy !req
147. I'm going straight to hell.Copy !req
148. No two ways about it.Copy !req
149. It might not be hell,
but you're gonna run into bad dudes.Copy !req
150. Get the check.
She takes the bandages off at 4:00.Copy !req
151. We have time.Copy !req
152. It's exciting.
She's gonna have a new face.Copy !req
153. - It is exciting.
- Not as exciting as Miss Crop Circles.Copy !req
154. Please, please. Isabel?Copy !req
155. She is the most despicable woman
I have ever met in my life.Copy !req
156. I have never been so repulsed
by someone mentally...Copy !req
157. and so attracted to them physically
at the same time.Copy !req
158. It's like my brain is facing my penis
in a chess game.Copy !req
159. And I'm letting him win.Copy !req
160. You're not letting him win.
He wins till you're 40.Copy !req
161. - Then what?
- He still wins, but it's not a blowout.Copy !req
162. She wants to be an actress.Copy !req
163. She makes me read these moronic
acting scenes with her, and I do it.Copy !req
164. Because I'm so addicted to the sex,
I'm helpless. I'll do anything.Copy !req
165. So, finally, Kramer comes in
the other day.Copy !req
166. I don't want to see this woman
anymore...Copy !req
167. but I haven't got the willpower
to throw out her number.Copy !req
168. Please help me.Copy !req
169. Help me.Copy !req
170. I'm proud of you.Copy !req
171. So I'm never gonna see her again.
I'm going cold turkey.Copy !req
172. Good for you.Copy !req
173. I'll tell you, the sex...Copy !req
174. I was like an animal.Copy !req
175. I mean, it was just
completely uninhibited.Copy !req
176. It's like going to the bathroom in front
of a lot of people, and not caring.Copy !req
177. It's not like that at all.Copy !req
178. How do you even know
the jacket is there?Copy !req
179. Well, I don't. I'm guessing.Copy !req
180. Okay, look, Audrey,
before you take the bandage off...Copy !req
181. just remember, I was the one
that encouraged you to do this.Copy !req
182. Now that you're gonna be a great
beauty, let's not forget how this began.Copy !req
183. - If you listened to your friend Elaine—
- George.Copy !req
184. - Yeah?
- Enough.Copy !req
185. - Right, enough.
- Are we ready?Copy !req
186. Come on,
let's get this show on the road.Copy !req
187. - You sure you want us here for this?
- Yes.Copy !req
188. - Shouldn't a doctor do it?
- No, he said I could do it.Copy !req
189. Okay, here goes.Copy !req
190. This is very exciting. Very exciting.
It's like watching a birth.Copy !req
191. It looks good.Copy !req
192. - Great job.
- You got butchered.Copy !req
193. Head hurt.
No, I'm good. I'm fine.Copy !req
194. Let's put him over here.Copy !req
195. - Where are you going?
- To that doctor.Copy !req
196. Wait, wait, wait! I'll go with you.Copy !req
197. How you feeling?Copy !req
198. Too much salt in my diet.Copy !req
199. - Can I get you anything?
- I'm good.Copy !req
200. You sure? Anything.Copy !req
201. No.Copy !req
202. Boy, it really didn't come out
too well, did it?Copy !req
203. No, it didn't. No, it didn't.Copy !req
204. It's, like, all dented.Copy !req
205. Seems to be.Copy !req
206. Well, I'm sure
they'll be able to fix it.Copy !req
207. You can't stop modern science.
Can't stop it. Can't stop science.Copy !req
208. Can't be stopped. No way, no how.
Science just marches—Copy !req
209. Shut up, George.Copy !req
210. - Shut up?
- Yeah.Copy !req
211. Interesting.Copy !req
212. Come on, Kramer.
Seriously, give me her number!Copy !req
213. - I threw it out.
- You're lying.Copy !req
214. - You've got it. I want the number.
- I threw it out.Copy !req
215. - Give it to me.
- You said not to.Copy !req
216. - You made me promise.
- I changed my mind. I want it.Copy !req
217. You said no matter what,
I'm not to give it to you.Copy !req
218. - I was lying. Give it to me.
- You told me not to.Copy !req
219. - I want the number!
- All right! You want it? Yeah!Copy !req
220. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah, look at you.Copy !req
221. Look at what you've sunk to.Copy !req
222. Look at what you've become.Copy !req
223. Look in the mirror, because you
need help, Jerry. You need help.Copy !req
224. Because I can't stand by and do it
anymore. It's turning my stomach.Copy !req
225. I can't stand around here
watching you destroy yourself!Copy !req
226. It's eating me up inside!Copy !req
227. The doctor said they need to build the
lateral wall of the septum. Over here.Copy !req
228. Yeah.Copy !req
229. - You see this paranasal sinus cavity?
- Oh, I got it.Copy !req
230. See how it's collapsed?
That's what's causing this huge dent.Copy !req
231. Yeah. Rough, rough.Copy !req
232. So anyway, you know what
I was thinking about?Copy !req
233. What?Copy !req
234. Remember we talked
about taking a trip together?Copy !req
235. - We did?
- We talked about going to Hawaii.Copy !req
236. - Hawaii?
- Anyway, I think it would be great...Copy !req
237. to get away after all this.Copy !req
238. Well, you—Copy !req
239. You know, Hawaii could be
a little tricky now.Copy !req
240. There's high-pressure winds
down there this time of year.Copy !req
241. There's a lot of debris
constantly flying around, a lot of...Copy !req
242. wood and lava.Copy !req
243. It could be dangerous.Copy !req
244. - I never heard that.
- Oh, yeah. My friend lived there, so...Copy !req
245. We could go to the Caribbean.Copy !req
246. I have to tell you something.
You couldn't get me on a plane now.Copy !req
247. I get those FAA reports directly.Copy !req
248. My uncle sends them to me.
He used to be a pilot, so...Copy !req
249. Big investigation in the...Copy !req
250. What's the word there?
Offing. It's in the offing.Copy !req
251. But you shouldn't let that stop you
from going. You could go. I don't mind.Copy !req
252. - George?
- Yeah.Copy !req
253. I don't think this is working.Copy !req
254. Ever since you came back from
the Army, you've changed.Copy !req
255. I swear, Nelson, I don't even know
who you are anymore.Copy !req
256. I'm Nelson.Copy !req
257. - That's not the line, Jerry.
- All right, all right, I'm sorry.Copy !req
258. Nothing's changed, Elma.
I just need more time.Copy !req
259. I swear, Nelson, sometimes at
night when you're not around...Copy !req
260. I just go crazy thinking
about you.Copy !req
261. Well, you just need to relax.Copy !req
262. Maybe a hobby. Bowling is fun.Copy !req
263. Yeah, bowling's good,
if you're really gross and ugly.Copy !req
264. Uh-oh. My organs
are playing chess again.Copy !req
265. I'm getting tired of this. What do you
say we play one for all the marbles?Copy !req
266. Oh, brain, what are you doing?
You cannot beat me.Copy !req
267. Do you have any idea who you're
dealing with? Forget about it.Copy !req
268. I can't take her anymore.Copy !req
269. - I hate reading her little acting scenes.
- Oh, so what?Copy !req
270. So you read from a little play.Copy !req
271. You can't put up with that for an hour
to make me happy? You're so selfish.Copy !req
272. Give me one hour.Copy !req
273. Then I will take over. You won't
have to think for the rest of the night.Copy !req
274. What about tomorrow morning?Copy !req
275. Do you have any idea what
that's like for me? Do you care?Copy !req
276. No, you don't care.Copy !req
277. So long as you get to do
whatever it is you do.Copy !req
278. - You disgust me.
- Oh, go read a book.Copy !req
279. Enough chatter. Let's play.Copy !req
280. I'm only doing this because
you took Audrey to the hospital.Copy !req
281. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, now, you're clear?
You got everything?Copy !req
282. - Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
283. Here.Copy !req
284. - What do I need this for?
- Because we're engaged.Copy !req
285. We're engaged?Copy !req
286. Kramer, this is too big.Copy !req
287. - It's my mom's.
- Hello!Copy !req
288. Oh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper.
I'm Albert Pepper's daughter.Copy !req
289. My father asked me to pick up
his jacket for him.Copy !req
290. Hello, Miss Pepper.
It's a pleasure to meet you.Copy !req
291. And you must be
Professor Von Nostrand.Copy !req
292. Yes. Yes, I am.Copy !req
293. I've read your book, professor,
and I was quite intrigued by it.Copy !req
294. - Yes, well, it's very intriguing.
- Tell me...Copy !req
295. is it your contention that
Shakespeare was an impostor?Copy !req
296. - My contention?
- Your contention.Copy !req
297. - Well, yes, that's my contention.
- I heard him contend that.Copy !req
298. It's too bad about your father.Copy !req
299. - It was a frame-up.
- A fine man. He spoke often of you.Copy !req
300. He's very proud of the work
you're doing.Copy !req
301. - We're all proud of the work I'm doing.
- Yes, she does fine work.Copy !req
302. Your father gave me strict orders
not to turn the jacket over to anyone...Copy !req
303. but I suppose I can make
an exception in your case.Copy !req
304. - The closet's this way.
- How kind of you.Copy !req
305. You know, your father has a very
extensive wardrobe.Copy !req
306. Yes.Copy !req
307. What's the matter, fella?
You look a little tired.Copy !req
308. Nelson, don't you see?Copy !req
309. You are a part of me.Copy !req
310. And I...Copy !req
311. I am a part of you.Copy !req
312. She's killing me.Copy !req
313. That's your move?Copy !req
314. - Yeah.
- Well, that's trouble, my friend.Copy !req
315. That's big trouble.Copy !req
316. Checkmate.Copy !req
317. Getting weak. Losing power.Copy !req
318. You haven't seen the last of me.
I'll be back.Copy !req
319. You're nothing without me.
Nothing.Copy !req
320. Little punk.Copy !req
321. Isabel, I don't think this is working.Copy !req
322. Daddy certainly does have
an extensive wardrobe.Copy !req
323. He is a fine dresser. I don't have to tell
you he's quite popular with the ladies.Copy !req
324. My father? Really? I had no idea.Copy !req
325. They're crazy about him.Copy !req
326. One in particular came around
about two years ago.Copy !req
327. Looked a lot like you, professor.
Could have been your mother.Copy !req
328. What was her name again?Copy !req
329. Carter? Kramer. That's it.Copy !req
330. Babs Kramer. Nasty woman.Copy !req
331. Many a night I had to
throw her on the street...Copy !req
332. - ... drunken stumblebum.
- You don't say.Copy !req
333. - I found it!
- She walked around here half-naked...Copy !req
334. sucking Colt 45 from a can.Copy !req
335. Her big, fat stomach hanging out,
orthopaedic hose up to her knees...Copy !req
336. screaming down the hall:Copy !req
337. "Come back to bed, Albert,
you big hairy ape!Copy !req
338. And bring back that box of Danish!"Copy !req
339. - So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
- Yeah, and I yelled out:Copy !req
340. "Kramer, Kramer, you're killing him."Copy !req
341. - So I assume the jig was up.
- Yeah, pretty much.Copy !req
342. But look.Copy !req
343. Yes.Copy !req
344. - Hi. Here are your keys.
- Hi. Thank you.Copy !req
345. - Hello.
- Audrey.Copy !req
346. My God, you look incredible.
I can't believe it.Copy !req
347. Well, it was his doctor.
He was wonderful.Copy !req
348. So will I see you later tonight?Copy !req
349. Not sure.Copy !req
350. Well, I'll check you guys out later.Copy !req
351. - Ready?
- I didn't wash.Copy !req
352. Neither did I.Copy !req
353. We're off to the reggae lounge.Copy !req
354. My nose, my nose.
My kingdom for a nose.Copy !req
355. Isn't she beautiful? Her nose
is in such perfect proportions...Copy !req
356. to the rest of her face.
She's breathtaking.Copy !req
357. - Who would have thought, she's—?
- Elaine...Copy !req
358. shut up.Copy !req
359. The technical term
for a nose job is...?Copy !req
360. - Rhinoplasty.
- Rhinoplasty.Copy !req
361. Rhino. Okay?Copy !req
362. Do we really need to insult the person
at this moment of their lives?Copy !req
363. They know they have a big nose.
That's why they're coming in.Copy !req
364. Do they really need the abuse
of being compared to a rhinoceros...Copy !req
365. on top of everything else?Copy !req
366. When someone has a
hair transplant, they don't go:Copy !req
367. "We're going to perform a
cue ball-ectomy on you, Mr. Johnson.Copy !req
368. We're going to attempt to remove
the skinheadia...Copy !req
369. of your chromedomus,
which is what we—Copy !req
370. The technical term..."Copy !req