1. The transplant, the hair plug...Copy !req
2. is really quite amazing.
Hair on your shower soap yesterday...Copy !req
3. can be in your head tomorrow.Copy !req
4. How do they do the transplant?Copy !req
5. Did they have the guy take
a shower, get his soap...Copy !req
6. rush it in by helicopter?Copy !req
7. You know, keep the soap alive
on the soap-support system?Copy !req
8. Then eventually move it over?Copy !req
9. "We got the hairs,
but I think we lost the Zest."Copy !req
10. Sometimes the body
rejects the transplant...Copy !req
11. with organs. Is it possible
that a head could reject...Copy !req
12. a hair transplant?Copy !req
13. The guy's just standing
around.Copy !req
14. It lands in someone's
frozen yoghurt.Copy !req
15. You see, the gaskets
that you have here...Copy !req
16. are asymmetrical.Copy !req
17. - Really?
- So I took off the motor relay...Copy !req
18. on the compressor because
you've got some discoloration.Copy !req
19. - Oh, whatever you have to do.
- I was working...Copy !req
20. with one mount at a time.Copy !req
21. You know, because
you don't want to disturb...Copy !req
22. - ... the position of the compressor.
- No, you don't.Copy !req
23. Hey, what are you listening to?Copy !req
24. My show from last night.Copy !req
25. - Oh, you taped it?
- Yeah, I was doing some new material.Copy !req
26. Did you ever do that thing
on the toes that I said?Copy !req
27. You know, how, like, the big toe
is, like, the captain of the toes.Copy !req
28. But sometimes the toe
next to the big toe gets so big...Copy !req
29. that there's, like,
a power struggle.Copy !req
30. And the second toe assumes
control of the foot.Copy !req
31. - The coup d'é-toe.
- Yeah.Copy !req
32. - Did you do it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
33. - So?
- Nothing.Copy !req
34. Nothing at all.Copy !req
35. - I need the phone.
- Who you calling?Copy !req
36. China.Copy !req
37. - China?
- Yeah, I'll pay for it.Copy !req
38. - What for?
- What for?Copy !req
39. I'll tell you what for.
For hair.Copy !req
40. - Hair?
- The Chinese have done it, my friend.Copy !req
41. - The Chinese have done it.
- Done what?Copy !req
42. - Discovered the cure for baldness.
- Did you see that last night?Copy !req
43. It was on CNN. This
Chinese doctor, Zang Zhao...Copy !req
44. has cured baldness.Copy !req
45. - What's this?
- Oh, I just got it.Copy !req
46. Spector gave it to me.Copy !req
47. He's giving everything away.Copy !req
48. He's becoming a minimalist.Copy !req
49. Is that the guy
who likes fat women?Copy !req
50. Yeah.Copy !req
51. Doesn't the fat fetish conflict
with the minimalism?Copy !req
52. You. You should have watched
that report on CNN last night.Copy !req
53. I did. I'm trying to call China.Copy !req
54. You can't call China now.Copy !req
55. It's like, what, 3:00
in the morning there.Copy !req
56. - Oh, my God.
- What?Copy !req
57. Oh, God.Copy !req
58. Man.Copy !req
59. Oh, brother.Copy !req
60. I can't believe
what I'm hearing.Copy !req
61. This woman's talking to me
on my tape recorder...Copy !req
62. while I was on stage.Copy !req
63. This is wild.Copy !req
64. I never heard
anything like this. Listen.Copy !req
65. I want to slide my tongue
around you like a s—Copy !req
66. Oh, my God.Copy !req
67. - Let me hear.
- Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
68. - Who is this woman?
- I don't know. I have no idea.Copy !req
69. I was just listening,
and she came on.Copy !req
70. This is like a Penthouse letter.Copy !req
71. - Why can't I meet women like this?
- Come on.Copy !req
72. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
73. - Where was the tape recorder?
- Back of the room, on the ledge.Copy !req
74. She must have been sitting
right in front of it.Copy !req
75. - My God.
- All right, come on.Copy !req
76. - It's my turn.
- All right. All right. All right.Copy !req
77. - How you gonna find out who this is?
- Good question.Copy !req
78. Where's the volume?Copy !req
79. What do the Chinese
have to gain...Copy !req
80. by faking a cure
for baldness?Copy !req
81. If it was real, they'd never
let it out of the country.Copy !req
82. Imagine no baldness.Copy !req
83. It would be like
a nation of supermen.Copy !req
84. - Hi, boys.
- Hello.Copy !req
85. - Hello.
- What's happening?Copy !req
86. Tell her.
I want to hear her reaction.Copy !req
87. This woman left this sexy
message on Jerry's tape—Copy !req
88. Not that, you idiot!Copy !req
89. - What?
- The Chinese!Copy !req
90. The Chinese bald cure!Copy !req
91. - Oh, I thought you meant that—
- No, I meant the bald cure.Copy !req
92. We were talking
about the bald cure!Copy !req
93. What did she say?Copy !req
94. Seinfeld.Copy !req
95. Hey, is that Beder?Copy !req
96. I can't believe it.Copy !req
97. Get me a cup of decaf.Copy !req
98. So did you hear this message?Copy !req
99. Man, it was unbelievable.Copy !req
100. - Really?
- I can't get over it.Copy !req
101. Sexy?Copy !req
102. This woman drove us
out of our minds.Copy !req
103. Like, how did she sound?Copy !req
104. She had this throaty,
sexy kind of whisper.Copy !req
105. Really? Like...Copy !req
106. Jerry...Copy !req
107. I want to slide my tongue
around you like a snake.Copy !req
108. Oh, my God.Copy !req
109. You?Copy !req
110. You?Copy !req
111. That was you!Copy !req
112. - How did you—?
- I stopped in the club to see him.Copy !req
113. I was standing in the back
while he was on.Copy !req
114. There was this tape
recorder there.Copy !req
115. And I got this impulse.Copy !req
116. - What?
- No, nothing. Nothing.Copy !req
117. Now listen, promise me
you won't tell him.Copy !req
118. I want to have
a little fun with this.Copy !req
119. I had no idea you
were filled with such...Copy !req
120. sexuality.Copy !req
121. Oh, that was nothing.Copy !req
122. So listen,
what about this bald thing?Copy !req
123. Some bald thing, a bald thing.
I don't know. It's nothing.Copy !req
124. - Remember Beder?
- Beder?Copy !req
125. Yeah, you remember Beder.Copy !req
126. I told you he went
to the track that one time...Copy !req
127. and he was yelling
at this jockey.Copy !req
128. And the jockey got off the horse
and started chasing him.Copy !req
129. So listen. What about this girl
on your tape recorder?Copy !req
130. Oh, Elaine.Copy !req
131. What do you think an enraptured
female fan of mine might say?Copy !req
132. I don't know.Copy !req
133. She went on in some detail
about certain activities...Copy !req
134. illegal in some states,
for consenting adults.Copy !req
135. Things you would
know very little about.Copy !req
136. - Oh, really?
- Well...Copy !req
137. this type of thing
is very common...Copy !req
138. when you're in show business.Copy !req
139. So, what?
You gonna ask her out?Copy !req
140. No, she didn't leave
her name or number.Copy !req
141. Bummer. Okay.Copy !req
142. Good luck finding her.
I'm taking off.Copy !req
143. - Where are you going?
- Home.Copy !req
144. What are you going home for?Copy !req
145. I just came from the gym—Copy !req
146. - Unless I can shower at your place.
- Sure.Copy !req
147. Oh, my God.Copy !req
148. Oh, man.Copy !req
149. I don't get it.Copy !req
150. Why would a woman do that and then
leave no way to get in touch with her?Copy !req
151. Maybe she realized
she couldn't have you...Copy !req
152. and jumped off the
George Washington Bridge.Copy !req
153. Yes. Operator.Copy !req
154. Beijing.Copy !req
155. - Why are you doing this?
- Why do I do anything?Copy !req
156. For women.Copy !req
157. Elaine, have you ever
gone out with a bald man?Copy !req
158. - No.
- Know what that makes you? A baldist.Copy !req
159. Oh, this I need.Copy !req
160. Hello, is this
the hair restoration clinic?Copy !req
161. Yeah, yeah.
Does anyone speak English?Copy !req
162. You're taping.Copy !req
163. Just be yourselves.Copy !req
164. Oh, okay.Copy !req
165. Well, we're talking
with Elaine Benes...Copy !req
166. adult film star...Copy !req
167. on the set
of her new picture...Copy !req
168. Elaine Does
the Upper West Side.Copy !req
169. Hi, how you doing?Copy !req
170. Well, I'm doing fine.Copy !req
171. Do you speak English?
English!Copy !req
172. Oh, here's the director,
Jerry Seinfeld.Copy !req
173. Jerry, you discovered
Elaine Benes.Copy !req
174. Well, yes I did. That's true.Copy !req
175. Couple of guys I knew
in the Coast Guard told me about her.Copy !req
176. And I sensed that she had
the anger and intensity...Copy !req
177. that I needed
to make this film work.Copy !req
178. English!Copy !req
179. Does anybody speak English?Copy !req
180. Nobody speaks English.Copy !req
181. So, what scene are you getting
ready to shoot now, Elaine?Copy !req
182. In this scene, my co-star,
who's right over here...Copy !req
183. Follow me.
Is George Costanza.Copy !req
184. And he plays an airline pilot...Copy !req
185. who's just returned
from Rome.Copy !req
186. And I'm about to show him
how much I've missed him.Copy !req
187. That's my Chinese food.Copy !req
188. So, George, is this your
first movie with Elaine?Copy !req
189. I don't know.Copy !req
190. So, Elaine, in your movies,
is the sex real, or is it simulated?Copy !req
191. Oh, it's always simulated...Copy !req
192. except with George.Copy !req
193. That's in my contract.Copy !req
194. All right, Kramer.
That's enough.Copy !req
195. That's enough. Yeah, hello?Copy !req
196. Yeah, hello?Copy !req
197. English!Copy !req
198. Does anyone speak English?Copy !req
199. - How much do I owe you?
- $15.90Copy !req
200. - $15.90?
- Excuse me?Copy !req
201. - Do you speak Chinese?
- Chinese? Yeah.Copy !req
202. Oh, look!Copy !req
203. I'm on with Beijing
at the hair restoration clinic.Copy !req
204. Could you talk to them for me...Copy !req
205. and tell them
I'd like to place an order?Copy !req
206. They've got a billion people over
there. He found a relative.Copy !req
207. If you send money,
they send cream.Copy !req
208. They send me. All right.Copy !req
209. Ask them, does it really work?Copy !req
210. They say you grow hair.
Look like Stalin.Copy !req
211. Ask them,
are there any side effects?Copy !req
212. Impotence.Copy !req
213. Oh, funny.
He's a funny guy, yeah.Copy !req
214. Get a money order
from the Bank of China.Copy !req
215. Be here three days
after they get check.Copy !req
216. All right, thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
217. Excuse me.Copy !req
218. Kind of an expensive call.Copy !req
219. Thanks for driving me home.Copy !req
220. What did I do to deserve this?Copy !req
221. You do plenty.Copy !req
222. So, what are you doing?
You're— You're going in.Copy !req
223. Well, yeah. I guess so.Copy !req
224. Why, you want to do something?Copy !req
225. Yeah, I don't—
I don't know. What?Copy !req
226. There's really nothing to do.Copy !req
227. Yeah, no. There's—
There's nothing.Copy !req
228. Can you think of anything?Copy !req
229. No, no. Not really.Copy !req
230. I am up for anything.Copy !req
231. Really?Copy !req
232. I have to say...Copy !req
233. you were really good
doing that porno thing.Copy !req
234. You're— You're talented.Copy !req
235. I was just kidding around.Copy !req
236. That thing you said about
the sex not being simulated...Copy !req
237. That was really funny.Copy !req
238. Yeah, that was fun.Copy !req
239. So I'll speak to you
through Jerry and everything.Copy !req
240. Okay.Copy !req
241. - Thanks a lot for the ride.
- Yeah, anytime.Copy !req
242. Thanks a million. I appreciate this.Copy !req
243. You're sure this was
the woman at the table...Copy !req
244. where I had
my tape recorder?Copy !req
245. Okay, great.Copy !req
246. Thanks, again. Bye.Copy !req
247. Who do these women
think they're dealing with?Copy !req
248. Did she think she was gonna leave
this incredibly erotic message...Copy !req
249. on my tape,
and I was just gonna let it go?Copy !req
250. Not bloody likely.Copy !req
251. What is that?Copy !req
252. - It's my cockney accent.
- No, no. That's no good.Copy !req
253. Let's hear yours.Copy !req
254. Not bloody likely.Copy !req
255. That's the worst cockney accent
I ever heard in my life.Copy !req
256. Hey, Georgie boy,
guess what I got.Copy !req
257. Guess what I got.Copy !req
258. Oh, is that the bald stuff?Copy !req
259. From China.
All the way from China.Copy !req
260. Wait, wait.
Let me get the camera.Copy !req
261. No, don't get the camera.
We don't need the camera.Copy !req
262. I know you're sceptical,
but I believe in the Chinese.Copy !req
263. Yes, I am sceptical.Copy !req
264. Why do you have to be
so suspicious of everyone?Copy !req
265. This is a great man,
Zang Zhao.Copy !req
266. He wants to help bald people.Copy !req
267. Wait, wait. Let's videotape
your head for the before picture.Copy !req
268. So we can watch
how it grows and stuff.Copy !req
269. - Here, sit down.
- All right.Copy !req
270. All right, lean back.Copy !req
271. A little bit to the right.Copy !req
272. Now make sure
you get this area here.Copy !req
273. - That's where he needs help.
- All right.Copy !req
274. Well, he's a happy
camper, huh?Copy !req
275. Happy camper. Yeah,
I don't hear that expression enough.Copy !req
276. Remember that guy
who took my jacket?Copy !req
277. The one I found
at my mother's house?Copy !req
278. - Yeah.
- My mother told me...Copy !req
279. that he got arrested
for mail fraud.Copy !req
280. - No kidding.
- Yeah, he's in jail.Copy !req
281. What about the jacket?
He take it with him?Copy !req
282. That's what I intend
to find out.Copy !req
283. Well, you can see it.Copy !req
284. Are you gonna
walk around like that?Copy !req
285. And it stinks.Copy !req
286. Can you smell that?Copy !req
287. You stink.Copy !req
288. How long are you supposed
to leave it on for?Copy !req
289. All day.Copy !req
290. - Hello?
- Hello, it's Elaine Marie Benes.Copy !req
291. - Well, hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
292. Did you find out
who that woman was?Copy !req
293. Yes, I got her number.Copy !req
294. - Hey, is that Elaine?
- Yeah.Copy !req
295. Hi, Elaine!Copy !req
296. So I guess you figure
you're in for a pretty wild night.Copy !req
297. Well, as I said...Copy !req
298. this type of thing is
very common in show business.Copy !req
299. Well, listen, I'm at Arlene's.
You want me to stop by?Copy !req
300. - Sure.
- Okay, bye.Copy !req
301. Bye.Copy !req
302. - Did she say "hello"?
- What? Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
303. What do you mean? She heard me
say hello. Did she say hello back?Copy !req
304. I don't know.
Who keeps track of hellos?Copy !req
305. Isn't it polite to say hello
when somebody says hello?Copy !req
306. She's coming up.Copy !req
307. - Elaine's coming up?
- Yeah, why? What's wrong?Copy !req
308. - Where are you going?
- Nowhere, nowhere. I'll be right out.Copy !req
309. How often do you
cut your toenails?Copy !req
310. I would say every two and a half
to eight weeks.Copy !req
311. Because the other night
I was sleeping with Marion...Copy !req
312. and I rolled over, and I
cut her ankle with my big toe.Copy !req
313. The big toe, the captain.Copy !req
314. - What?
- The captain of the toes.Copy !req
315. - Hello?
- Jerry?Copy !req
316. - Yeah.
- Jerry, listen.Copy !req
317. I got too much to do.
I can't come over. Forget it.Copy !req
318. Oh, okay, too bad.Copy !req
319. So when are you
gonna call her?Copy !req
320. As soon as I get off
the phone with you.Copy !req
321. - Good luck.
- Okay.Copy !req
322. - Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
323. - What happened? You took it off?
- Yeah. That was enough.Copy !req
324. That's it? You gave up?Copy !req
325. No, I'm working on a system.
Who was that?Copy !req
326. That was Elaine. She changed
her mind. She's not coming over.Copy !req
327. - Hello?
- Hello, is this Alisha?Copy !req
328. - Yes.
- This is Jerry Seinfeld.Copy !req
329. - So?
- I don't get this woman.Copy !req
330. We're having a great time,
couple of laughs. Everything's nice.Copy !req
331. End of the night,
I go in for contact.Copy !req
332. I get the pullback.Copy !req
333. This woman, she said the filthiest
things I ever heard in my life.Copy !req
334. And I get the pullback.Copy !req
335. - Yeah?
- It's George.Copy !req
336. Come on up.Copy !req
337. What is he doing here now?Copy !req
338. So you blew it?Copy !req
339. She must be psychotic
or something.Copy !req
340. Let me have the number.Copy !req
341. I'm not giving you the number.Copy !req
342. I know how to handle
these psychotics.Copy !req
343. Sheriff.Copy !req
344. What's with the hat?Copy !req
345. Boy, you stink.Copy !req
346. - What are you doing here now?
- I have to talk to you.Copy !req
347. Let's take a look here,
see what we got.Copy !req
348. Wait a second.Copy !req
349. I think I see
something here, George.Copy !req
350. - Let's go to the videotape.
- Oh, Kramer. No, no.Copy !req
351. - What's up?
- I can't tell you now.Copy !req
352. - He'll be back in 10 seconds.
- Start it.Copy !req
353. - I can't.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
354. He'll be over there for a half-hour.
He gets lost over there.Copy !req
355. - Come on. What is this about?
- All right.Copy !req
356. I've become attracted to Elaine.Copy !req
357. All right.Copy !req
358. - Sit down.
- Could we do this later?Copy !req
359. No, I got the tape right here.Copy !req
360. Kramer, let's do this later.Copy !req
361. Okay, now...Copy !req
362. This is the tape
that we made earlier.Copy !req
363. And I think...Copy !req
364. that I see a couple of buds...Copy !req
365. right here.Copy !req
366. - Really? You think?
- Yeah.Copy !req
367. Kramer, I would like to talk
to George for a minute, please.Copy !req
368. - About what?
- It's kind of private.Copy !req
369. Like the big toe captain? What?Copy !req
370. - Oh, so you're doing my bit?
- I'm not doing the bit!Copy !req
371. All right.
Okay, all right.Copy !req
372. I'm gonna take
a look at this, huh?Copy !req
373. - Does she know?
- No.Copy !req
374. - How did it happen?
- I can't say.Copy !req
375. - Well, why can't you say?
- Because I promised her.Copy !req
376. - I thought you said she doesn't know.
- She doesn't.Copy !req
377. - So how can you promise her?
- Because she asked me to.Copy !req
378. What is this,
an Abbott and Costello routine?Copy !req
379. All right, you really want to know?Copy !req
380. It all started
when she told me...Copy !req
381. that she was the voice
on your tape recorder.Copy !req
382. What? Elaine?Copy !req
383. Yeah. She made me promise not
to tell. It was supposed to be a joke.Copy !req
384. - That was Elaine?
- Yeah, let me hear.Copy !req
385. - Wait a second! Give me a second—
- You heard it 50 times already—Copy !req
386. She's my ex-girlfriend.
I think I have precedence.Copy !req
387. - Yeah?
- Hi, it's Elaine.Copy !req
388. Is this a bad time?Copy !req
389. Yeah.Copy !req
390. Don't tell her I told you!
She'll kill me!Copy !req
391. Okay, I promise!Copy !req
392. Oh, man.Copy !req
393. Oh, God.Copy !req
394. Oh, brother.Copy !req
395. - What's the matter?
- I got a pain in my side...Copy !req
396. - ... from, you know—
- Hi, George.Copy !req
397. Hi, how you doing?Copy !req
398. Something stinks in here.Copy !req
399. What are you doing here?Copy !req
400. I was the one who talked
into your tape recorder.Copy !req
401. I know. George told me.Copy !req
402. - You told him?
- He threatened me.Copy !req
403. Where did you come up
with all that stuff?Copy !req
404. - Oh, that was nothing.
- Elaine...Copy !req
405. - I have to tell you something.
- George, no.Copy !req
406. - No, no.
- George, I'm telling you—Copy !req
407. What is it?Copy !req
408. I'm very attracted to you.Copy !req
409. I found a hair!Copy !req
410. Yes!Copy !req
411. Okay, come here. Come here.
Take a look at this.Copy !req
412. Ever since I found out that you left
the message on Jerry's tape recorder—Copy !req
413. - That was you?
- It was a joke.Copy !req
414. Wait.Copy !req
415. Oh, my God.Copy !req
416. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
417. Elaine, I can't believe
that that is you.Copy !req
418. I think I'll get going.Copy !req
419. Stick around a while.Copy !req
420. - It's early.
- We'll order Chinese.Copy !req
421. Give me the tape.
Give me the tape.Copy !req
422. A woman left a message
on my phone machine...Copy !req
423. with kind of a breathy voice.Copy !req
424. No matter what a woman says, if it's
in that breathy voice, you know...Copy !req
425. "You have cancer."Copy !req
426. "Really?"Copy !req
427. Sounds pretty good.Copy !req
428. The stewardess could lean over
and whisper in my ear:Copy !req
429. "Would you put
on your seat belt.Copy !req
430. We're about to go
into a mountain."Copy !req
431. I'd go, "Really, so
what are you doing later...Copy !req
432. by the ruptured remains
of the fuselage?Copy !req
433. How about some peanuts
over by the black box?Copy !req
434. I'll meet you there."Copy !req