1. There's always one location
in your neighbourhood, one store...Copy !req
2. that's constantly changing hands.Copy !req
3. Everybody has this in their
neighbourhood. It's a leather store...Copy !req
4. then it's a yoghurt shop,
it's a pet supply.Copy !req
5. It's constantly changing.
Nobody can do business there.Copy !req
6. It's like some sort of
Bermuda Triangle of retail.Copy !req
7. Stores open up and then
they just disappear without a trace.Copy !req
8. Nobody knows what happened.Copy !req
9. Eventually, when aliens land and the
mothership from Close Encounters—Copy !req
10. The bottom will slowly open and all
these store owners will wander out...Copy !req
11. in a daze, going, "I thought there
was gonna be more walk-in traffic."Copy !req
12. She thinks I'm nice.Copy !req
13. - Women don't want nice.
- Amazing.Copy !req
14. I haven't seen one person go in
that restaurant since it opened.Copy !req
15. - Poor guy.
- Why is nice bad?Copy !req
16. What kind of a sick society are
we living in when nice is bad?Copy !req
17. What's that smell?
What are you wearing?Copy !req
18. What? A little cologne.Copy !req
19. Manly.Copy !req
20. - Monica wants me to wear it.
- Why didn't you say no?Copy !req
21. I'm too nice.Copy !req
22. Look at this poor guy. His family's
probably back in Pakistan waiting...Copy !req
23. for him to send back money.Copy !req
24. This is horrible.Copy !req
25. She wants me to take an IQ test.Copy !req
26. It's because you're stupid enough
to wear the cologne.Copy !req
27. No. She's taking this course
in education for her master's.Copy !req
28. It's part of her research project,
so I have to be a guinea pig.Copy !req
29. I've never been a guinea pig.
Been a sheep, been a toady...Copy !req
30. I can't talk to you anymore.Copy !req
31. All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
You're taking the IQ test.Copy !req
32. She's gonna find out I'm a moron.Copy !req
33. People think I'm smart,
but I'm not smart.Copy !req
34. Who thinks you're smart?Copy !req
35. I won't break 100 on this thing.Copy !req
36. - What thing?
- You don't listen anymore.Copy !req
37. Oh, the IQ thing. Yeah.Copy !req
38. I'm sure I have a low IQ.Copy !req
39. I've been lying about my SAT scores
for 15 years.Copy !req
40. - What did you get?
- What did I get, or what do I say I got?Copy !req
41. - What do you say?
- I say 1409.Copy !req
42. - 1409, that's a good score.
- You're telling me.Copy !req
43. What did you really get?Copy !req
44. - You're my friend.
- Of course.Copy !req
45. - I tell you everything, right?
- I hope so.Copy !req
46. Well, this I take to the grave.Copy !req
47. He's serving Mexican,
Italian, Chinese.Copy !req
48. He's all over the place.
That's why no one's going in.Copy !req
49. Why do you keep watching?Copy !req
50. I don't know. I'm obsessed with it.Copy !req
51. It's like a spider in the toilet,
struggling for survival.Copy !req
52. And even though you know
he's not gonna make it...Copy !req
53. you root for him for a second.Copy !req
54. Then you flush.Copy !req
55. Well, it's a spider.Copy !req
56. Sometimes people
won't go in a place...Copy !req
57. if they don't see anyone else
in there.Copy !req
58. Do you have to do that? Jerry, don't
do that. That is so annoying.Copy !req
59. Bazooka Joe.Copy !req
60. - The buzzer?
- It's your house.Copy !req
61. My house. You gotta be on the lease
to press the buzzer.Copy !req
62. - Yeah?
- It's George.Copy !req
63. Come on up.Copy !req
64. - Casus belli.
- What's that?Copy !req
65. It's Latin. I read it in some book.
I just wanted to say it out loud.Copy !req
66. Come on, go in.Copy !req
67. Go in.Copy !req
68. - Have you gone in there?
- No. I'm afraid we'll start talking...Copy !req
69. and I'll wind up going partners
with him.Copy !req
70. Hey.Copy !req
71. I could probably shoot him from here.
I'd be doing us both a favour.Copy !req
72. I'm wearing some cologne, all right?Copy !req
73. Sure. Fine.Copy !req
74. Casus belli.Copy !req
75. Casus belli.Copy !req
76. - What's that?
- Since when do you wear cologne?Copy !req
77. Why is what I do so important?Copy !req
78. Why must I always be the focal point
of attention?Copy !req
79. Let me just be. Let me live.Copy !req
80. - How'd you do on that IQ test?
- I didn't take it yet.Copy !req
81. - What IQ test?
- What's casus belli?Copy !req
82. - Oh, it's nothing.
- Is it about me?Copy !req
83. Why must you always be
the focal point of attention?Copy !req
84. Why can't you just be?
Why can't you live?Copy !req
85. It's just a Latin phrase. It does not
mean anything. Now, what is this test?Copy !req
86. This woman he's dating is making him
take this IQ test for this course.Copy !req
87. - Oh, that sounds like fun.
- Yeah, fun.Copy !req
88. IQ tests are totally bogus.
They prove nothing.Copy !req
89. - You'll do well. You're smart.
- No, see, he's not smart.Copy !req
90. People think he's smart,
but he's not.Copy !req
91. What did you get on your SATs?Copy !req
92. It varies.Copy !req
93. - I don't even know my IQ.
- Mine's 145.Copy !req
94. - One forty-five!
- Get out of here.Copy !req
95. - You get out of here.
- You get out of here.Copy !req
96. Maybe you should take the test for me.Copy !req
97. That would be something,
cheating on an IQ test.Copy !req
98. Remember in college when you
passed Lettick the test...Copy !req
99. out the window?Copy !req
100. - You became a legend after that.
- Yeah.Copy !req
101. Yeah, I really had some guts
back then.Copy !req
102. - Why don't we do it again?
- What?Copy !req
103. You could take the IQ test for me.Copy !req
104. I'll pass it to you out of a window.
She lives on the first floor.Copy !req
105. - You serious?
- Why not?Copy !req
106. Where would I take the test?Copy !req
107. She lives around the corner.
Take it here or go to the coffee shop.Copy !req
108. - No, too noisy.
- Take it at the Dream Café.Copy !req
109. You won't hear a peep.Copy !req
110. - Hey, what do you think?
- Hey, I love a good caper.Copy !req
111. Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it?
A caper.Copy !req
112. You'll do it?Copy !req
113. - What the hey.
- Yeah! Beautiful!Copy !req
114. Sorry.Copy !req
115. - Welcome to the Dream Café.
- Well, I've been looking forward to it.Copy !req
116. How did you hear about us?Copy !req
117. People. People are talking.Copy !req
118. Smoking or nonsmoking?
We are proud to offer both.Copy !req
119. - Nonsmoking would be great.
- Very good.Copy !req
120. My name is Babu Bhatt.
I will be your waiter.Copy !req
121. A steaming hot, folded face cloth
for your pleasure.Copy !req
122. - Thank you.
- Our specials are tacos...Copy !req
123. moussaka and franks and beans.Copy !req
124. Well, what do you recommend,
my good fellow?Copy !req
125. - The turkey.
- Well, the turkey it'll be.Copy !req
126. May I say you have a splendid
establishment here, my friend.Copy !req
127. I'm sure you'll flourish at this location
for many, many years.Copy !req
128. You're a very kind man.
Very kind. Thank you.Copy !req
129. Very kind.Copy !req
130. Very kind. I am a kind man.Copy !req
131. Who else would do something
like this? Nobody.Copy !req
132. Nobody thinks about people
the way I do.Copy !req
133. Snap out of it, you stupid jerk.Copy !req
134. You're eating a turkey sandwich.
You want a Nobel Prize?Copy !req
135. You go in the living room,
I'll take the test in here.Copy !req
136. But why?Copy !req
137. I won't be able to concentrate
in front of you.Copy !req
138. I think you're making too much of this.
IQ tests don't mean anything.Copy !req
139. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
140. This is the best tool we have today
of measuring a person's intelligence.Copy !req
141. Well, I certainly don't place
any importance on it.Copy !req
142. Well, I think you're wrong about that.Copy !req
143. And now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd really like to get started, please.Copy !req
144. - Good luck.
- Don't need it.Copy !req
145. What's going on?
I've been here 20 minutes.Copy !req
146. I'm sorry. Here's the test.
Thanks for doing this.Copy !req
147. - What time do you want me back?
- Twenty to 3.Copy !req
148. - Okay.
- Thanks again.Copy !req
149. And don't settle for 145.
You can do better. You're a genius.Copy !req
150. Thank you, Babu.Copy !req
151. You have quite a flair. You are
quite the restaurateur, I must say.Copy !req
152. - It is indeed my pleasure.
- Oh, please.Copy !req
153. Welcome to the Dream Café.Copy !req
154. - Our specials today—
- Oh, no, no. I'll just have tea and toast.Copy !req
155. - Tea and toast.
- Eat something! Babu.Copy !req
156. Okay.Copy !req
157. Well, I'll have the rigatoni.Copy !req
158. Oh, very good choice.
Very good.Copy !req
159. So you got the test. You're cheating.Copy !req
160. I know.Copy !req
161. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
162. Oh, boy.Copy !req
163. Jerry, let me ask you something.Copy !req
164. - Hi, Elaine.
- Hey.Copy !req
165. This guy leaves this jacket
at my mother's house two years ago.Copy !req
166. She hasn't spoken to him since and
now he says he wants the jacket back.Copy !req
167. - So?
- Well, I'm not giving it back.Copy !req
168. Why not?Copy !req
169. Because I meet a lot of women in
this jacket. They're attracted to it.Copy !req
170. Why do you think my mother
went out with him?Copy !req
171. - You all right?
- Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
172. What?Copy !req
173. Anyway, it's been two years.Copy !req
174. I mean, isn't there, like, a statue
of limitations on that?Copy !req
175. Statute.Copy !req
176. - What?
- Statute of limitations.Copy !req
177. It's not a statue.Copy !req
178. No, it's statue.Copy !req
179. Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.Copy !req
180. Wait a minute. Just wait a minute.
Elaine. Elaine.Copy !req
181. Now, you're smart. Is it "statue"
or "statute" of limitations?Copy !req
182. - Statute.
- Oh, I really think you're wrong.Copy !req
183. Kramer, I have to take this test.
I don't have a lot of time.Copy !req
184. What test?Copy !req
185. - An IQ test.
- Why are you taking an IQ test?Copy !req
186. - It's for George.
- George?Copy !req
187. Look, can I explain it to you later?Copy !req
188. But why are you taking
an IQ test for George?Copy !req
189. Would you please?Copy !req
190. - Is it for a job or something?
- Later!Copy !req
191. - You're positive it's statute?
- Yes! Yes!Copy !req
192. Welcome, welcome.
A steaming hot face cloth—Copy !req
193. - George?
- Yeah?Copy !req
194. The door's locked.Copy !req
195. Oh, it's locked?Copy !req
196. I need to get something.Copy !req
197. Monica, I'm really focused here.
This stuff's a killer.Copy !req
198. - George!
- Wish I could.Copy !req
199. Babu!Copy !req
200. If you don't mind...
Okay.Copy !req
201. - I'll get this.
- Oh, my God! It's all over the test!Copy !req
202. - I'm terribly sorry.
- Oh, man!Copy !req
203. - I'm out of time, anyway.
- Please forgive me. Please.Copy !req
204. Go ahead. I'll take care of it.Copy !req
205. Please, I'm very sorry.Copy !req
206. Tell your friends.Copy !req
207. It's all right.
She was cheating anyway.Copy !req
208. You're a very kind man.Copy !req
209. Babu...Copy !req
210. - You're Pakistani, right?
- Yes, Pakistani. Yes.Copy !req
211. Babu, may I say something?Copy !req
212. Of course. You're very smart man.
I listen.Copy !req
213. I am not a restaurateur by any means,
but it occurred to me that perhaps...Copy !req
214. you might serve some dishes
from your native Pakistan...Copy !req
215. as opposed to, say,
the franks and beans, for example.Copy !req
216. - There are no Pakistani people here.
- It doesn't matter.Copy !req
217. You would have the only authentic
Pakistani restaurant...Copy !req
218. in the whole neighbourhood.Copy !req
219. Yes.Copy !req
220. You see everything, don't you?Copy !req
221. Well, you know, not everything.
I do what I can.Copy !req
222. I close down today. And when I open
again, it will be a Pakistani restaurant.Copy !req
223. Thank you. Thank you so much.
You're a very special person.Copy !req
224. Very special.Copy !req
225. I am such a great guy.Copy !req
226. Who else would've gone to the
trouble to help this immigrant?Copy !req
227. I am special. My mother was right.Copy !req
228. Of course, I've never had
Pakistani food. How bad could it be?Copy !req
229. - It was an accident.
- What, did you go on a picnic?Copy !req
230. Babu Bhatt did it.Copy !req
231. Babu Bhatt?Copy !req
232. - How am I going to explain this?
- Time's up, George.Copy !req
233. Okay.Copy !req
234. - Here you go.
- How did you do?Copy !req
235. - Piece of cake.
- What happened to the test?Copy !req
236. What? Oh, I spilled some food on it.Copy !req
237. Food? What food?Copy !req
238. What are you talking about?Copy !req
239. Where did you get food?Copy !req
240. - From my pocket.
- Your pocket?Copy !req
241. I had a sandwich in my pocket.Copy !req
242. - And coffee?
- Yeah. Had some coffee, yeah.Copy !req
243. - Where did you get the coffee?
- Where did I get the coffee?Copy !req
244. Where do you think I got the coffee?
At the grocery store.Copy !req
245. - How did you get there?
- I walked.Copy !req
246. How did you get out?
I didn't see you leave.Copy !req
247. - I climbed out the window.
- You climbed out the window?Copy !req
248. - Of course.
- Why didn't you go out the door?Copy !req
249. The door?Copy !req
250. Why would I go out the door?
The window's right here.Copy !req
251. You're a fascinating man,
George Costanza.Copy !req
252. The average person sees a situation
like this...Copy !req
253. they walk right by it.Copy !req
254. - Not me.
- You're very special.Copy !req
255. Hey, do me a favour.Copy !req
256. Some guy comes looking for me,
tell him you don't know where I am.Copy !req
257. Of course. I always do.Copy !req
258. No, no, it's that guy. He's really
been bugging me about the jacket.Copy !req
259. - Just give it back to him.
- He'll have to kill me.Copy !req
260. - Hey, Georgie!
- I'm coming up.Copy !req
261. How did you do on the IQ test?Copy !req
262. Eighty-five!Copy !req
263. - What?
- Eighty-five, Jerry! 85 IQ.Copy !req
264. Eighty-five?Copy !req
265. Well, well, well...Copy !req
266. He's coming up?Copy !req
267. Well, I'm no genius...Copy !req
268. but according to my calculations,
he should be here in a few seconds.Copy !req
269. Yeah, but an 85?
Jerry, that's ridiculous.Copy !req
270. Well, maybe the test
was gender-biased.Copy !req
271. You know, a lot of questions
on hunting and testicles.Copy !req
272. Oh, hello, professor.Copy !req
273. - George, I cannot believe—
- Please.Copy !req
274. - No, there's gotta be a mistake.
- You should have seen her face.Copy !req
275. It was the same look
my father gave me...Copy !req
276. when I told him I wanted
to be a ventriloquist.Copy !req
277. But an 85?Copy !req
278. Listen, there were too many
distractions there.Copy !req
279. Babu whatever his name was.
And Kramer. I couldn't concentrate.Copy !req
280. It was a madhouse.Copy !req
281. Jerry, it was.Copy !req
282. - Let me take it again.
- Forget it.Copy !req
283. Oh, come on. Come on.
I'll guarantee you 140.Copy !req
284. - What do you have to lose?
- You could do worse!Copy !req
285. No. No, come on. I guarantee it.Copy !req
286. - All right, I'll ask her.
- Okay. Now, where am I gonna take it?Copy !req
287. Take it here. I'll leave.
There will be no distractions.Copy !req
288. Well, congratulations, my friend.Copy !req
289. Sorry I missed the grand reopening.
I was out of town for about a week.Copy !req
290. You see how I listen?Copy !req
291. I work very hard, borrow more money.Copy !req
292. I think it's fantastic. It has
a certain indefinable charm.Copy !req
293. - You wish to eat?
- Let me tell you something, Babu.Copy !req
294. You go back in that kitchen,
tell your chef I want the works.Copy !req
295. Very good.Copy !req
296. Very good?Copy !req
297. No, not very good...Copy !req
298. very great.Copy !req
299. I am very, very great.Copy !req
300. The IQ tests always have that
sample question at the beginning...Copy !req
301. where they show you how
to fill in the circle.Copy !req
302. This should be the first
elimination point right there.Copy !req
303. Anybody goes outside that circle:Copy !req
304. "You wanna come with us, please?
Yeah, you're done. Your test is over.Copy !req
305. You went outside the circle, okay?"Copy !req
306. - What are you doing?
- Quiet. Don't say anything.Copy !req
307. - What's going on?
- Hey, Kramer! I saw you go in there!Copy !req
308. I'm not leaving till you
give me that jacket!Copy !req
309. - Open up, Kramer!
- What did you come in here for?Copy !req
310. Well, I thought I'd throw him off.
See, he knows where I live.Copy !req
311. Look, Kramer, I have to return
this test. I've gotta get out of here.Copy !req
312. - I thought you took the test.
- I had to take it again.Copy !req
313. - How come?
- What's the difference?Copy !req
314. - Well, you can't leave now.
- What?Copy !req
315. Come on, Kramer,
I want that jacket back!Copy !req
316. Never!Copy !req
317. Come on, George, open up.Copy !req
318. - Well?
- How you doing?Copy !req
319. Where's the test?Copy !req
320. You know, it's the damnedest thing.Copy !req
321. I went out the window again
to get a cup of coffee...Copy !req
322. Babu...Copy !req
323. Babu.Copy !req
324. Babu...Copy !req
325. you know, I've gotta tell you,
I never do this, but the shrimp...Copy !req
326. it's just a little stringy.Copy !req
327. - You have any chicken?
- The shrimp is stringy?Copy !req
328. - Well, maybe you refrigerated—
- Quiet!Copy !req
329. - No, I—
- You shut up!Copy !req
330. You make me change restaurant,
but nobody come!Copy !req
331. You say make Pakistani. Babu Bhatt
have only Pakistani restaurant.Copy !req
332. But where are people? You see
people? Show me people!Copy !req
333. There are no people!Copy !req
334. - I think I'll just take the check.
- You bad man!Copy !req
335. You very, very bad man.Copy !req
336. Bad man? Could my mother
have been wrong?Copy !req
337. Are you looking for George?Copy !req
338. Well...Copy !req
339. Kind of.Copy !req
340. George left.Copy !req
341. Is that the test?Copy !req
342. This?Copy !req
343. Yeah.Copy !req
344. - Here you go.
- Thanks.Copy !req
345. I hope you do a lot better this time.Copy !req
346. Actually, I think I did.Copy !req
347. The first time,
I couldn't really concentrate.Copy !req
348. You know what it was?
Bad location.Copy !req
349. Come on, let's not stand here
too long. We might run into her.Copy !req
350. Aren't you cold?
Where's your jacket?Copy !req
351. - Oh, sorry.
- I'm going upstairs.Copy !req
352. Hey, guys. I just ran into Monica.
You know what my IQ is?Copy !req
353. One fifty-one.Copy !req
354. - One fifty-one?
- Yeah.Copy !req
355. That's a good score.Copy !req
356. So, what are you up for?
How about Mexican?Copy !req
357. - Italian.
- No, Chinese.Copy !req
358. You know what would be great?Copy !req
359. It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look
at your professional good-deed doers:Copy !req
360. Your Lone Rangers, your Supermen...Copy !req
361. your Batmen, your Spider-Men,
your Elastic Men.Copy !req
362. They're all wearing disguises. Masks
over their faces, secret identities.Copy !req
363. Don't want people to know
who they are. Too much aggravation.Copy !req
364. "Superman,
thanks for saving my life...Copy !req
365. but did you have
to come through my wall?Copy !req
366. I'm renting here. They got a security
deposit. What am I supposed to do?"Copy !req