1. It's hard to find a store in a mall.
They have a directory...Copy !req
2. but the problem with it is,
even if you figure out where you are...Copy !req
3. and where you wanna go...Copy !req
4. you still don't really know,
sometimes, which way to walk...Copy !req
5. because it's an upright map.Copy !req
6. If you had, like, suction-cup feet,
then you could just walk right up on it.Copy !req
7. Then you could tell, you could be
on it going, "All right, I'm here.Copy !req
8. I wanna go to the Gap.
That's down there.Copy !req
9. All right, I'll just walk that way."Copy !req
10. But people would know. They would
see you walking down the mall going:Copy !req
11. They'd go, "That's one
of those suction-cup guys.Copy !req
12. I heard about that guy.
He's never lost."Copy !req
13. One left. What a joke.Copy !req
14. - You can have this one.
- That's not enough BTUs...Copy !req
15. for my living room.
This was a waste of time.Copy !req
16. I didn't get one either.Copy !req
17. Why do I always have the feeling...Copy !req
18. everybody's doing something
better than me on Saturdays?Copy !req
19. - This is what people do.
- No, they don't.Copy !req
20. They're out on some big picnic,
they're cooking burgers...Copy !req
21. making out on blankets.Copy !req
22. They're not at some mall in Jersey...Copy !req
23. watching their friends trying to find
the world's cheapest air conditioner.Copy !req
24. You should see what my father used
to do before he bought a new car.Copy !req
25. He'd go from state to state.
He was away for weeks at a time.Copy !req
26. Like he's running for president
and going through the primaries.Copy !req
27. We'd get phone calls
from New Hampshire.Copy !req
28. We took a little ride,
what's the big deal?Copy !req
29. At least you accomplished something.
You got fish.Copy !req
30. Oh, big accomplishment.Copy !req
31. Fish. What do they do?Copy !req
32. - What do you do?
- Hey, this way!Copy !req
33. Jerry, what time do you have?Copy !req
34. I have 5:00.Copy !req
35. - Always late. Always late.
- You're not late.Copy !req
36. I told them to meet me
in front of my building at 6:15.Copy !req
37. - Who?
- My parents. It's their anniversary.Copy !req
38. I'm taking them out to dinner
and a show tonight.Copy !req
39. - Think we'll hit traffic?
- Of course. It's rush hour.Copy !req
40. - Isn't it the other way?
- There's no other way.Copy !req
41. Everybody goes every way
all the time.Copy !req
42. - But it's Saturday.
- You got the picnic and burger traffic.Copy !req
43. - There's picnic traffic?
- As my grandfather used to say:Copy !req
44. "Sometimes even a picnic's
no picnic."Copy !req
45. I always get myself in this position.
Can't be on time. Gotta rush.Copy !req
46. What's the matter?Copy !req
47. I have to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
48. Why do they hide the bathrooms
in these malls?Copy !req
49. - You want me to help you with that?
- No, I got it.Copy !req
50. What do you think, Georgie boy?Copy !req
51. Did I need that pointed out for me?Copy !req
52. What is that gonna do for me?
How does that help me, to see her?Copy !req
53. I'm trying to live my life.
Don't show me that.Copy !req
54. Well, if you like her, go and talk to her.Copy !req
55. Yeah, women love to get approached
in parking garages.Copy !req
56. I'll go up and say, "Hi, how you doing?
Would you like a glass of white wine?"Copy !req
57. You get within 15 feet, she'd have
her finger on the Mace button.Copy !req
58. That was a guy.Copy !req
59. - That was a guy?
- Where's the car?Copy !req
60. Well, I thought it was here.Copy !req
61. You don't know where we parked?Copy !req
62. - Oh, this is great.
- Look, I thought it was Green 22.Copy !req
63. I remember Orange.
I thought it was Orange.Copy !req
64. - I didn't pay attention.
- This is just what I need.Copy !req
65. I'm sure it's right around here.Copy !req
66. Yeah, it looks familiar.
I remember the elevator.Copy !req
67. There's elevators all over!
Everything looks the same!Copy !req
68. We're like rats in some experiment.Copy !req
69. It's over there. I know where it is.Copy !req
70. - It's black, right?
- Well, it's dark brown.Copy !req
71. In a parking lot, you write it down.
How hard is that?Copy !req
72. There it is.Copy !req
73. No, no.Copy !req
74. That's a Toyota.Copy !req
75. - I thought it was...
- Hey, didn't we come in over there?Copy !req
76. I thought we came in over there.Copy !req
77. How long can fish live
in one of these plastic bags?Copy !req
78. I don't know. Maybe two hours.Copy !req
79. You better find this car.Copy !req
80. Let's try this way.Copy !req
81. I really have to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
82. Why don't you just go
behind one of these cars.Copy !req
83. - Why? There's nobody around.
- I'll wait.Copy !req
84. You hold it in like that, you can cause
a lot of damage to your bladder.Copy !req
85. That's what happens to truck drivers.Copy !req
86. They hold it in all the time
and eventually...Copy !req
87. - ... it starts to come out involuntarily.
- All right.Copy !req
88. Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers
are a $600-million-a-year industry?Copy !req
89. Maybe I should just go any time I get
the urge, like you, wherever I am.Copy !req
90. There's too much urinary freedom
in this society. I'm proud to hold it in.Copy !req
91. It builds character.Copy !req
92. - Is that it?
- No.Copy !req
93. Hey! Watch it!Copy !req
94. Maniac.Copy !req
95. You sure you don't want help
with that?Copy !req
96. I'm gonna put it down
behind that car.Copy !req
97. Worried somebody's gonna pee on it?Copy !req
98. - It's Purple 23. Remember that.
- Oh, I got it.Copy !req
99. That I'm supposed to remember.
Where the car is, that's insignificant.Copy !req
100. I think they're labouring.Copy !req
101. Look at this place! It's huge!Copy !req
102. All right, let me say this to you:Copy !req
103. If I am not in front of my building
at 6:15, when my parents get there...Copy !req
104. they're gonna put me on
an aggravation instalment plan...Copy !req
105. that will compound, with interest,
for decades.Copy !req
106. Parents never forget a foul-up.Copy !req
107. I once left my jacket on a bus
when I was 14.Copy !req
108. I was flying to Chicago,
last week, on a plane:Copy !req
109. "Make sure you hang on
to your jacket."Copy !req
110. There's no way you can call them?Copy !req
111. - Yeah, I'll call them on their car phone.
- What would it take...Copy !req
112. - ... for his parents to get a car phone?
- Hypnosis by aliens.Copy !req
113. - Where the hell is this car, Kramer?
- We need a system.Copy !req
114. Well, it's gotta be here.Copy !req
115. Why are they using so many colours?Copy !req
116. The numbers go up to 40.Copy !req
117. Maybe it's not on this level.Copy !req
118. - What?
- There's four different levels.Copy !req
119. Maybe we're on the wrong level.Copy !req
120. - How long was the escalator ride up?
- It felt like a couple of levels.Copy !req
121. You should always bring
a pad and a pen.Copy !req
122. I can't carry a pen.
I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.Copy !req
123. I got a pen.Copy !req
124. Where is the bathroom in this mall?Copy !req
125. There's 600 stores,
I didn't see one bathroom.Copy !req
126. What is this, like, a joke?Copy !req
127. Don't they consult with a urologist
when they build one of these places?Copy !req
128. - What's with you?
- My ear itches.Copy !req
129. Don't you dare talk to me like that,
you hear me?Copy !req
130. I told you, I don't care!
You'll have to wait!Copy !req
131. Hey, hey, is that really necessary?Copy !req
132. Why don't you mind
your own business.Copy !req
133. Well, I think hitting a defenceless child
is my business.Copy !req
134. - You're ugly.
- What?Copy !req
135. - You're ugly.
- You are.Copy !req
136. - You are.
- That's what you think.Copy !req
137. That's what I know.Copy !req
138. - I found it!
- He's got it!Copy !req
139. - No, no, no.
- All right, that's it.Copy !req
140. From now on, no more calling out
"I found it" unless we're sitting in it.Copy !req
141. Jerry, look at my fish.Copy !req
142. - His eyes look a little cloudy.
- See?Copy !req
143. Oh, those are your eyes.Copy !req
144. Oh, they are gonna be furious.Copy !req
145. - Who's got the tickets?
- I do.Copy !req
146. I thought you knew this mall.Copy !req
147. - You said you'd been here.
- It was easy last time.Copy !req
148. Okay, my fish are dying
right in front of me.Copy !req
149. We've gotta get someone to drive us
around to us help look for the car.Copy !req
150. No one's gonna do that.Copy !req
151. Excuse me. Hi.Copy !req
152. We can't seem to find our car. I was
wondering if it would be possible...Copy !req
153. to drive us around the garage
for five minutes so we can look.Copy !req
154. Sorry.Copy !req
155. - Just five minutes.
- Can't do it.Copy !req
156. We're not skinheads.Copy !req
157. Excuse me.
I can't seem to find my car.Copy !req
158. Do you think you could drive me—?Copy !req
159. Oh, that's funny? Is that funny?
Hey, tell me if you think this is funny:Copy !req
160. These fish are dying.Copy !req
161. In an hour they'll be belly-up!Copy !req
162. Excuse me.Copy !req
163. Excuse me.Copy !req
164. Hey, sorry to have disturbed you.
Terribly sorry.Copy !req
165. But the fish will be dead!
You do know that?Copy !req
166. They can't live in plastic.Copy !req
167. That's not me talking, that's science!Copy !req
168. It's amazing how shopping
makes me have to go.Copy !req
169. How does my bladder know
I'm in a department store?Copy !req
170. Why don't you just go.Copy !req
171. No, I can't.Copy !req
172. - Don't you get tired of following rules?
- You think I'm too cautious?Copy !req
173. Why be uncomfortable
if you don't have to?Copy !req
174. - It's organic.
- Organic. So is Buddy Hackett.Copy !req
175. - Buddy Hackett?
- He's a comedian.Copy !req
176. I know.Copy !req
177. - All right, all right.
- Hey, you can go over here.Copy !req
178. I can manage.Copy !req
179. George!Copy !req
180. - Okay, let's go.
- But—Copy !req
181. Come on.Copy !req
182. Kramer.Copy !req
183. I'm telling you, I've had this condition
since I was 11 years old.Copy !req
184. I've been in and out of hospitals
my whole life.Copy !req
185. I have no control over it.Copy !req
186. Doctors have told me
that when I feel it...Copy !req
187. the best thing to do
is just release it.Copy !req
188. Otherwise...Copy !req
189. I could die.Copy !req
190. Do you hear what
I'm saying to you?Copy !req
191. I'm telling you
that if I don't go, I could die.Copy !req
192. Die! Is it worth dying for?Copy !req
193. - That's up to you.
- Oh, so you don't care if I die.Copy !req
194. What I care about is the sanitary
condition of the parking facility.Copy !req
195. Why would I do it
unless I was in mortal danger?Copy !req
196. - I know it's against the law.
- I don't know.Copy !req
197. Because I could get "uromysitisis"
poisoning and die, that's why.Copy !req
198. You think I enjoy living like this?Copy !req
199. The shame? The humiliation?Copy !req
200. You know, I've been issued
a public urination pass...Copy !req
201. by the city because of my condition.Copy !req
202. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out
of the house with it this morning.Copy !req
203. Him and his friends are probably
peeing all over the place.Copy !req
204. Jerry!Copy !req
205. Jerry!Copy !req
206. Unbelievable.Copy !req
207. I'm never gonna get out of here.Copy !req
208. Guy goes to pee,
he never comes back.Copy !req
209. It's like a science-fiction story.Copy !req
210. Maybe he went
to one of the other levels.Copy !req
211. - I'm gonna look for him.
- Now you're gonna go?Copy !req
212. - Be back in five minutes.
- If you go now...Copy !req
213. we'll find the car, Jerry will show up
and we'll never find you!Copy !req
214. I'll be right back.Copy !req
215. What's the difference?
We'll all be dead eventually.Copy !req
216. Does that bother you?Copy !req
217. Yeah, it bothers me.Copy !req
218. - Doesn't it bother you?
- Not at all.Copy !req
219. Now, that bothers me even more
than dying bothers me.Copy !req
220. Because people like you
live to be 120...Copy !req
221. because you're not bothered by it.Copy !req
222. How can it not bother you?Copy !req
223. Well, I once saw this thing on TV
with people who are terminally ill.Copy !req
224. Every one of them believed
that the secret of life...Copy !req
225. is just to live every moment.Copy !req
226. Yeah, I've heard that.Copy !req
227. Meanwhile, I'm here with you
in a parking garage in Jersey.Copy !req
228. That's a nice jacket.
Where'd you get that?Copy !req
229. Some guy left it
over at my mother's house.Copy !req
230. First of all, you don't even know,
technically, that I went.Copy !req
231. That's for starters.Copy !req
232. I mean, I could have been pouring
a bottle of water out there.Copy !req
233. - I know what you did.
- Oh, really? Do you? Well...Copy !req
234. it just so happens
that I did pour water out.Copy !req
235. I had a bottle of very tepid water
and I poured it out.Copy !req
236. I could see how you made
a mistake...Copy !req
237. because pouring water out sounds
very much like a person urinating.Copy !req
238. And, you know,
when you think about it...Copy !req
239. it's really quite an amusing case
of mistaken identity.Copy !req
240. And that's all it is.Copy !req
241. And now he's gone.
I'm sure he's looking for the car.Copy !req
242. Five minutes, that's all.
I just wanna find him.Copy !req
243. - I can't do it.
- But why? Why can't you do it?Copy !req
244. I can't.Copy !req
245. That's not a reason, "You can't."
You just don't want to.Copy !req
246. That's right.Copy !req
247. But why? Why don't you want to?Copy !req
248. I don't know.Copy !req
249. Well, wouldn't you get any satisfaction
out of helping someone out?Copy !req
250. No, I wouldn't.Copy !req
251. All right. All right.Copy !req
252. I... I want to apologize.Copy !req
253. I was frightened.Copy !req
254. I said crazy things,
I obviously offended you...Copy !req
255. I insulted your intelligence.Copy !req
256. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...Copy !req
257. I made all that up.Copy !req
258. And now I'm gonna tell you the truth.Copy !req
259. Today my parents are celebrating...Copy !req
260. their 50th—
Well, I'm jumping ahead here.Copy !req
261. Their 47th wedding anniversary.Copy !req
262. And we made plans to spend
the evening together.Copy !req
263. They're meeting me
in front of my building at 6:15.Copy !req
264. What I haven't told you...Copy !req
265. or anyone else, for that matter...Copy !req
266. is that my father's been
in a Red Chinese prison...Copy !req
267. for the past 14 years.Copy !req
268. I mean, the guy had a fat fetish.Copy !req
269. The inspector never dated a woman
under 250 pounds.Copy !req
270. - Really.
- What did he do with all that fat?Copy !req
271. Does he just jump up and down on it?Copy !req
272. Or does he gouge it
like Killer Kowalski?Copy !req
273. - Who's Killer Kowalski?
- He was a wrestler.Copy !req
274. He would get down on his knees...Copy !req
275. and he'd grab ahold
of someone's stomach...Copy !req
276. and squeeze it till they gave.Copy !req
277. Hey, hey, hey.
I have to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
278. Why don't you just go.Copy !req
279. What, here?Copy !req
280. You and Jerry. It's...Copy !req
281. Okay.Copy !req
282. All right, I'm gonna
go down this row.Copy !req
283. What? What did I do?
I didn't do anything.Copy !req
284. Kramer! Kramer!Copy !req
285. What? Don't you believe me?
It's their 47th anniversary.Copy !req
286. You know, this is gonna kill them.Copy !req
287. You're aware of that? Kill them.Copy !req
288. On the biggest night of their life.Copy !req
289. Your folks have
an anniversary today too?Copy !req
290. Was your father also
in a Red Chinese prison?Copy !req
291. Red Chinese prison?Copy !req
292. George!Copy !req
293. George!Copy !req
294. Jerry!Copy !req
295. Jerry!Copy !req
296. You know when you're walking
with someone...Copy !req
297. and you assume
that they know where the car is?Copy !req
298. And you're fine until you see them
do this move. Once they do this:Copy !req
299. When they look back from
where they came from...Copy !req
300. No, you're in bad shape now.Copy !req
301. Nobody that knows
where they're going does that.Copy !req
302. Pilots on planes don't open
the cockpit door and go:Copy !req
303. Well, what happened was...Copy !req
304. my father was staying with
one of China's great military leaders...Copy !req
305. General Chang, who, by the way,
came up with the recipe...Copy !req
306. for General Chang's chicken. The
one with red pepper and orange peel...Copy !req
307. - ... at Szechwan Gardens?
- I eat it all the time. Spicy.Copy !req
308. Apparently, General Chang
is a flamboyant man.Copy !req
309. Complete failure as a general,
but a hell of a cook.Copy !req
310. Look at this.Copy !req
311. Look at this. Will you look at this?Copy !req
312. He doesn't have enough with the
Mercedes, he has to have two spaces.Copy !req
313. I tell you, you know what I'd like
to do? I'd like to spit on it.Copy !req
314. I would like to see that.Copy !req
315. - Should I? Should I do it?
- Teach him a lesson he'll never forget.Copy !req
316. - Who does he think he is?
- Someone's gotta stop him.Copy !req
317. - It's against the law, isn't it?
- Well, it certainly should be.Copy !req
318. Okay.Copy !req
319. This is some machine.Copy !req
320. Leave it to the Germans.Copy !req
321. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
322. What do they get
for a tune-up on this?Copy !req
323. - Jerry!
- Elaine!Copy !req
324. Where have you been?Copy !req
325. - I was arrested for urinating.
- Me too.Copy !req
326. - You what?
- I have uromysitisis.Copy !req
327. It's very serious, you know.Copy !req
328. Jerry, look at my fish.Copy !req
329. - Is he...?
- No, but he's not looking good.Copy !req
330. Please. We can't find our car.Copy !req
331. Please, just drive us around
the parking lot to find our car.Copy !req
332. - My fish are dying.
- Sorry. Can't do it.Copy !req
333. I can see not caring
what happens to us. We're human.Copy !req
334. But what about the fish? The fish?Copy !req
335. Sorry.Copy !req
336. That's right, go.Copy !req
337. Go home to your dumbbells.Copy !req
338. Go work on your pecs and your lats.
We're all really impressed.Copy !req
339. Yeah, that's right. You heard me.Copy !req
340. - You got a problem with that?
- Elaine, shut up.Copy !req
341. Don't worry, I'm packing heat.Copy !req
342. Hey, hey. Where's Kramer?Copy !req
343. - I don't know.
- I thought he was with you.Copy !req
344. Oh, see? See? I knew
this was gonna happen.Copy !req
345. Look at the time. All right, that's it.Copy !req
346. Did we look over there?
We check that side?Copy !req
347. - We came in over there.
- We didn't come in over there.Copy !req
348. - Where's Kramer?
- Look at these cars...Copy !req
349. they all look exactly alike.Copy !req
350. The fumes.Copy !req
351. I can't breathe.Copy !req
352. I'm having trouble breathing.Copy !req
353. Hey, George, there she is again.Copy !req
354. What are you doing?
You're killing me.Copy !req
355. Ask her to drive us around.
There's your opening.Copy !req
356. That is an opening.Copy !req
357. Excuse me. I'm really...Copy !req
358. See, what happened...Copy !req
359. - ... my friend forgot where he parked...
- Sure, I'll drive you around.Copy !req
360. - You will?
- Sure.Copy !req
361. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
362. We're late and my parents are waiting
for me and we're stuck here.Copy !req
363. Well, I wouldn't wanna get lost in here.
It smells like a toilet.Copy !req
364. - People are such animals.
- You're telling me.Copy !req
365. Filthy pigs.Copy !req
366. It's a brown Ford.Copy !req
367. This has happened to me too.
It's very frustrating.Copy !req
368. I've asked several people.
They wouldn't even answer me.Copy !req
369. I'm happy to do it.Copy !req
370. I'm Michele.Copy !req
371. Hi, Michele. I'm George.Copy !req
372. - Get out!
- But I didn't mean anything by it.Copy !req
373. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard.
I didn't know you were with that group.Copy !req
374. What about my fish?Copy !req
375. Boy, those Scientologists,
they can be pretty sensitive.Copy !req
376. I'll say.Copy !req
377. What is it? The car!Copy !req
378. - The car!
- The car!Copy !req
379. - The car!
- I can't believe it!Copy !req
380. Kramer. Kramer's not here.
I knew it.Copy !req
381. I knew it. I knew this would happen.Copy !req
382. - Kramer! Kramer!
- Kramer!Copy !req
383. Kramer!Copy !req
384. Hey, look.Copy !req
385. Boy, I had a hell of a time finding
that air conditioner.Copy !req
386. You know I looked everywhere?Copy !req
387. I completely forgot where I hid it.Copy !req
388. You know where it was?Copy !req
389. - Purple 23.
- Right. Purple 23.Copy !req
390. I could have used you.Copy !req
391. Sometimes it's good to write
those things down.Copy !req
392. Oh, boy. What time is it?Copy !req
393. Well, at least there'll be no traffic.Copy !req
394. Right.Copy !req
395. Oh, boy.Copy !req
396. - What time does that play start?Copy !req
397. Well, that could be a problem.Copy !req
398. Where's your little bag of...Copy !req
399. All right, let's giddyup.Copy !req
400. See, the problem
with the mall garage...Copy !req
401. is that everything looks the same.Copy !req
402. They try to differentiate it.Copy !req
403. They put up different colours,
different numbers, different letters.Copy !req
404. What they need to do
is name the levels like:Copy !req
405. "Your mother's a whore."
You know what I mean?Copy !req
406. You would remember that.Copy !req
407. You'd go, "I know, I'm parked at
'My father's an abusive alcoholic.'Copy !req
408. I know where I parked."Copy !req