1. Does it seem to you
that the ventriloquist dummy...Copy !req
2. has a very active sexual,
social life?Copy !req
3. He's always talking about dates
and women that he knows...Copy !req
4. and bringing them back
to the suitcase at night.Copy !req
5. There's always a sawdust joke
in there somewhere, you know.Copy !req
6. He says kinky things,
because he's made out of wood...Copy !req
7. and he can spin his head around.Copy !req
8. We're somehow expected to believe...Copy !req
9. because the face is so animated...Copy !req
10. they think we're not noticing
the feet are just swinging there.Copy !req
11. Dummy feet never look
really right, do they?Copy !req
12. They're just kind of dangling there.
Always kind of askew, you know.Copy !req
13. You always see a little ankle.Copy !req
14. Those little thin, fabric ankles
that they have, you know.Copy !req
15. You think,
"I don't think this thing is real."Copy !req
16. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
17. Let me speak with the head librarian.
It's absurd.Copy !req
18. An overdue book from 1971?Copy !req
19. This is a joke, right? What are you,
from a radio station?Copy !req
20. Okay, you got me. I fell for it.Copy !req
21. All right. Okay.Copy !req
22. I can be down there
in, like, a half-hour.Copy !req
23. Bye.Copy !req
24. - What's the problem?
- This, you're not gonna believe.Copy !req
25. The New York Public Library...Copy !req
26. says that I took out
Tropic of Cancer in 1971...Copy !req
27. and never returned it.Copy !req
28. Do you know how much
that comes to?Copy !req
29. That's a nickel a day for 20 years.Copy !req
30. - It's gonna be $50,000.
- It doesn't work like that.Copy !req
31. If it's a dime a day,
it could be 100,000.Copy !req
32. It's not gonna be anything.Copy !req
33. I returned the book.
I remember it very vividly...Copy !req
34. because I was with Sherry Becker.Copy !req
35. She wore this orange dress. It's the
first time I saw her in a dress like that.Copy !req
36. I'd known her since ninth grade. She
was developing this body in secret...Copy !req
37. under these loose clothes
for, like, two years.Copy !req
38. And then one day...Copy !req
39. this orange dress.Copy !req
40. - It's burned in my memory.
- Oh, memory burn, huh?Copy !req
41. - I wonder whatever happened to her.
- How did they find you?Copy !req
42. Oh, computers. They're cracking down
now on overdue books.Copy !req
43. The whole thing's
completely ridiculous.Copy !req
44. It's George. Wait till he finds out we're
going to the library. He'll be thrilled.Copy !req
45. - You know, I never got a library card.
- I'm coming down.Copy !req
46. It's all a bunch of cheapskates
in there anyway.Copy !req
47. People sitting around
reading the newspaper...Copy !req
48. attached to those huge
wooden sticks...Copy !req
49. trying to save a quarter.Copy !req
50. Look, I gotta go to the library.
You wanna go?Copy !req
51. Yeah, yeah. Let's go.Copy !req
52. The Dewey Decimal System.
What a scam that was.Copy !req
53. Boy, this Dewey guy
really cleaned up on that deal.Copy !req
54. Where's George?Copy !req
55. Look. Trying to save a quarter.Copy !req
56. I kind of like those sticks.
I'd like to get them in my house.Copy !req
57. This woman's completely
ignoring me.Copy !req
58. Look at her.Copy !req
59. This is a lonely woman
looking for companionship.Copy !req
60. A spinster.Copy !req
61. Maybe a virgin.Copy !req
62. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago.
She's a schoolgirl...Copy !req
63. there was a boy. It didn't work out.Copy !req
64. So now she needs a little tenderness.
She needs a little understanding.Copy !req
65. Needs a little Kramer, huh?Copy !req
66. Then she'll need
a little shot of penicillin.Copy !req
67. - Yes?
- Yeah, I called before.Copy !req
68. I got this notice in the mail.Copy !req
69. Tropic of Cancer. Henry Miller.Copy !req
70. This case has been turned over to our
investigations officer, Mr. Bookman.Copy !req
71. Bookman?Copy !req
72. The library investigator's name is
actually Bookman?Copy !req
73. - Come on.
- It's true.Copy !req
74. That's amazing.Copy !req
75. That's like an ice-cream man
named Cone.Copy !req
76. Well, Lieutenant Bookman's
been working here 25 years...Copy !req
77. so he's heard all the jokes.Copy !req
78. - Can I speak with this Bookman?
- Just a second.Copy !req
79. Jerry.Copy !req
80. What?Copy !req
81. I think I saw him.Copy !req
82. - I think it's him.
- Who?Copy !req
83. Did you see the homeless guy
on the library steps...Copy !req
84. screaming obscenities
and doing callisthenics?Copy !req
85. - Yeah.
- I think that's Mr. Heyman.Copy !req
86. The gym teacher from our high school.Copy !req
87. - Heyman? Are you sure?
- He's older...Copy !req
88. completely covered in filth,
no whistle. But I think it's him.Copy !req
89. George got him fired.
He squealed on him.Copy !req
90. - Oh, tattletale.
- I didn't tattle.Copy !req
91. Well, what did this guy do?
What happened?Copy !req
92. There was an incident.
I'd rather not discuss it.Copy !req
93. - Oh, come on. You can tell me.
- Some other time.Copy !req
94. What, tonight?Copy !req
95. - I never figured you for a squealer.
- He sang like a canary.Copy !req
96. - Mr. Bookman's not here.
- Not here?Copy !req
97. - Why was I told to come down here?
- He'll be out all afternoon on a case.Copy !req
98. He's out on a case?
He actually goes out on cases?Copy !req
99. What am I supposed to do now?Copy !req
100. I'll have Mr. Bookman
get in touch with you.Copy !req
101. All right. Thanks.Copy !req
102. - Come on, let's go.
- Let's go see if it's Heyman.Copy !req
103. - It's not him.
- Hey, I'll see you boys later, huh?Copy !req
104. So, what's a guy gotta do around here
to get a library card?Copy !req
105. - Where's Karen?
- She went to pick up lunch.Copy !req
106. Well...Copy !req
107. she didn't ask me what I wanted.Copy !req
108. She must've forgot.Copy !req
109. How could she forget?
I've been ordering lunch...Copy !req
110. every day for three and a half years.Copy !req
111. Is there something
you're not telling me...Copy !req
112. because I'm getting, like,
a really weird vibe.Copy !req
113. Is Lippman getting rid of me?
You can tell me.Copy !req
114. - I won't say anything.
- I don't know anything.Copy !req
115. You don't know. You see,
"I don't know anything"...Copy !req
116. means there's something to know.
If you really didn't, you'd say:Copy !req
117. "You're crazy."Copy !req
118. - Oh, hi, Mr. Lippman.
- Elaine.Copy !req
119. I was wondering
if you got a chance...Copy !req
120. to look at that biography
of Columbus I gave you.Copy !req
121. Yes, I did.Copy !req
122. Yes, I did.Copy !req
123. - Marie, this water is still too cold.
- Oh, yeah. It's freezing.Copy !req
124. Hurts your teeth.Copy !req
125. I'm telling you,
something is going on.Copy !req
126. He never likes anything I recommend,
and then that lunch thing.Copy !req
127. So they forgot to get your lunch.
Big deal.Copy !req
128. What do you know?
You've never worked in an office.Copy !req
129. See, you've worked in an office,
George. You understand.Copy !req
130. Jerry thinks I'm overreacting,
but you understand lunch.Copy !req
131. I don't understand lunch.
I don't know anything about it.Copy !req
132. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't
mean I turned him into a bum, does it?Copy !req
133. - What did he do?
- He purposely...Copy !req
134. mispronounced my name.Copy !req
135. Instead of saying Costanza...Copy !req
136. he'd say, "Can't stand you.
Can't stand you."Copy !req
137. Remember, he made me smell
my own gym socks once?Copy !req
138. I remember he made you wear a jock
on your head for a whole class.Copy !req
139. - And the straps were hanging down...
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
140. You never even had him for gym.Copy !req
141. I had him for hygiene.
Remember his teeth?Copy !req
142. It was like from an exhumed corpse.Copy !req
143. Little baked beans.Copy !req
144. Come on, tell me what happened.Copy !req
145. Well, okay.Copy !req
146. As I said, the guy had it in for me.Copy !req
147. He actually failed me in gym. Me.Copy !req
148. And those spastic Schnitzer twins.Copy !req
149. - Can't stand you!
- Yes, Mr. Heyman?Copy !req
150. Your underwear was sticking out
of your shorts during gym class.Copy !req
151. Well, that's because
I wear boxer shorts.Copy !req
152. Boxer shorts, huh?Copy !req
153. - What brand?
- I'm not really sure. I—Copy !req
154. Yeah, well, let's take a look!Copy !req
155. He gave me a wedgie.Copy !req
156. And he got fired the next day.Copy !req
157. Why do they call it a "wedgie"?Copy !req
158. Because the underwear is pulled up
from the back until it...Copy !req
159. wedges in.Copy !req
160. They also have an atomic wedgie.Copy !req
161. Now, the goal there is to actually
get the waistband...Copy !req
162. on top of the head.Copy !req
163. It's very rare.Copy !req
164. - Boys are sick.
- Well, what do girls do?Copy !req
165. We just tease someone till they
develop an eating disorder.Copy !req
166. I gotta go back to the library
and talk to him.Copy !req
167. I gotta find out if I'm the guy
that ruined his life.Copy !req
168. Hey, babaloo, you better get home.Copy !req
169. This guy Bookman from the library,
he's waiting for you.Copy !req
170. What's amazing about the library...Copy !req
171. is here's a place
where you can go in...Copy !req
172. take out any book you want.
They just give it to you...Copy !req
173. and say, "Bring it back
when you're done."Copy !req
174. Reminds you of that pathetic friend
everybody had as a kid...Copy !req
175. that would let you borrow any of his
stuff if you would just be his friend.Copy !req
176. That's what the library is. It's
a government-funded pathetic friend.Copy !req
177. That's why everybody
bullies the library.Copy !req
178. "I'll bring it back on time,
I'll bring it back late.Copy !req
179. What are you gonna do,
charge me a nickel?"Copy !req
180. I'm glad you're here so we can
straighten this out.Copy !req
181. - Cup of tea?
- Got any coffee?Copy !req
182. - Coffee?
- Yeah, coffee.Copy !req
183. - No, I don't drink coffee.
- You don't?Copy !req
184. - How about instant coffee?
- No, I don't—Copy !req
185. - No instant coffee?
- Well, I don't—Copy !req
186. - Who doesn't have instant coffee?
- I don't.Copy !req
187. Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in
the cupboard, you forget about it.Copy !req
188. When you need it, it's there.
It lasts forever.Copy !req
189. It's freeze-dried.
Freeze-dried crystals.Copy !req
190. Really? I'll have to remember that.Copy !req
191. - You took this book out in 1971.
- Yes, and I returned it in 1971.Copy !req
192. Yeah, '71, that was my first year
on the job.Copy !req
193. Bad year for libraries.
Bad year for America.Copy !req
194. Hippies burning library cards.Copy !req
195. Abbie Hoffman telling everybody
to steal books.Copy !req
196. I don't judge a man by hair length
or musical taste.Copy !req
197. Rock was never my bag.Copy !req
198. But you put on a pair of shoes
in the New York Public Library, fella.Copy !req
199. Look, Mr. Bookman...Copy !req
200. I returned that book.
I remember it very specifically.Copy !req
201. You're a comedian.
You make people laugh.Copy !req
202. - I try.
- You think this is all a big joke?Copy !req
203. No, I don't.Copy !req
204. I saw you on TV once.
I remembered your name from my list.Copy !req
205. I looked it up.
Sure enough, it checked out.Copy !req
206. You think because you're a celebrity,
somehow the law doesn't apply?Copy !req
207. - You're above the law?
- Certainly not.Copy !req
208. Well, let me tell you something,
funny boy.Copy !req
209. You know that little stamp, the one
that says "New York Public Library"?Copy !req
210. That may not mean anything to you.Copy !req
211. But that means a lot to me.
One whole hell of a lot.Copy !req
212. Sure, go ahead. Laugh if you want to.
I've seen your type before.Copy !req
213. Flashy, making a scene,
flaunting convention.Copy !req
214. Yeah, I know what you're thinking:Copy !req
215. "Why's this guy making such a stink
about old library books?"Copy !req
216. Well, let me give you a hint, junior.Copy !req
217. Maybe we can live without libraries,
people like you and me. Maybe.Copy !req
218. Sure, we're too old
to change the world.Copy !req
219. But what about that kid sitting down
opening a book right now...Copy !req
220. in a branch at the local library...Copy !req
221. and finding drawings
of pee-pees and wee-wees...Copy !req
222. in The Cat in the Hat
and The Five Chinese Brothers?Copy !req
223. Doesn't he deserve better?Copy !req
224. Look, if you think this is about
overdue fines and missing books...Copy !req
225. you better think again.
This is about that kid's right...Copy !req
226. to read a book without
getting his mind warped.Copy !req
227. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld.Copy !req
228. Maybe that's how you get your kicks,
you and your good-time buddies.Copy !req
229. Well, I got a flash for you, joy-Copy !req
230. Party time is over.Copy !req
231. You got seven days, Seinfeld.Copy !req
232. That is one week.Copy !req
233. - What's wrong?
- It's Bookman, the library cop.Copy !req
234. - So? I didn't do anything wrong.
- I'm supposed to be at work.Copy !req
235. I could get fired.
I never should've come here.Copy !req
236. Why don't you leave?Copy !req
237. I can't.Copy !req
238. There's no way I'm paying that!
I returned that book in 1971!Copy !req
239. I have a witness. Sherry Becker.Copy !req
240. She wore an orange dress.Copy !req
241. She gave me a piece
of Black Jack gum.Copy !req
242. I said, "Liquorice gum.
What will they think of next?"Copy !req
243. I remember it!Copy !req
244. Becker, Becker...Copy !req
245. Kevin went to a public school.Copy !req
246. He's the 14 year old.Copy !req
247. We were gonna send Marsha
to a private school...Copy !req
248. because in some ways, they don't...Copy !req
249. learn enough, I think.Copy !req
250. So, Sherry, what do you remember
about that day at the library?Copy !req
251. I remember it like it was yesterday.Copy !req
252. It was a Friday afternoon.Copy !req
253. - I wore a purple dress.
- Purple?Copy !req
254. - You sure it wasn't orange?
- Positive.Copy !req
255. And I was chewing Dentyne.Copy !req
256. I always chewed Dentyne.Copy !req
257. Remember, Jerry? Dentyne?Copy !req
258. - No Black Jack?
- Liquorice gum? Never.Copy !req
259. What else?Copy !req
260. We were...Copy !req
261. reading passages to each other
from that Henry Miller book you had.Copy !req
262. - Tropic of Cancer.
- No.Copy !req
263. Tropic of Capricorn.Copy !req
264. - Tropic of Capricorn?
- Remember?Copy !req
265. "What holds the world together...Copy !req
266. as I have learned from
bitter experience...Copy !req
267. is sexual intercourse."Copy !req
268. Wait a second, wait a second.
You're right. I had both of them.Copy !req
269. We read from Tropic of Capricorn.Copy !req
270. I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer.
And then...Copy !req
271. - George, here's the book.
- Oh, man.Copy !req
272. Don't let anybody see it.
Don't let anything happen to it.Copy !req
273. Jerry, it's me, George. Don't worry.
I'll return it tomorrow.Copy !req
274. All right. I'll see you after school.
I'm late for Heyman's hygiene.Copy !req
275. - Where are you going?
- It was nice seeing you again.Copy !req
276. I just remembered something.
I've gotta go.Copy !req
277. It was George!Copy !req
278. Read another poem.Copy !req
279. Pressed chest
Fleshed out westCopy !req
280. Might be the saviourCopy !req
281. Or a garden pestCopy !req
282. That is great poetry.
You should be published.Copy !req
283. It's great.Copy !req
284. Well, the library's kind of a cool place
when it's closed.Copy !req
285. Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet.Copy !req
286. Listen to the echo.Copy !req
287. - Hello!
- Hello!Copy !req
288. - Hello!
- Hello!Copy !req
289. - Hello!
- Hello.Copy !req
290. Mr. Bookman.Copy !req
291. I remember when the librarian was
a much older woman.Copy !req
292. Kindly, discreet, unattractive.Copy !req
293. We didn't know anything
about her private life.Copy !req
294. We didn't wanna know
about her private life.Copy !req
295. She didn't have a private life.Copy !req
296. When you think about that,
think about this:Copy !req
297. The library closes at 5:00,
no exceptions.Copy !req
298. This is your final warning.Copy !req
299. Got that, kewpie doll?Copy !req
300. Lippman wants to see me
in his office.Copy !req
301. - See me. That can't be good.
- Maybe you're getting a raise.Copy !req
302. Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.Copy !req
303. - What?
- It's George.Copy !req
304. - George is on his way up.
- Wait till I tell him about the book.Copy !req
305. Are you okay?Copy !req
306. - What?
- It's— It's Marion's poetry.Copy !req
307. - I can't take it!
- Oh, Kramer.Copy !req
308. Remember that biography
I recommended?Copy !req
309. - My boss hated it!
- I'm right here.Copy !req
310. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
311. - Remember that Columbus book?
- Columbus. Eurotrash.Copy !req
312. Well, it's definitely him.Copy !req
313. - Him? Him who?
- Him who?Copy !req
314. Heyman him.Copy !req
315. Heyman, the gym teacher?Copy !req
316. - You found him?
- Oh, I found him.Copy !req
317. He was sitting on the steps
of the library.Copy !req
318. I sat down next to him.Copy !req
319. He smelled like the locker room
after that game against Erasmus.Copy !req
320. That was double overtime.Copy !req
321. I said, "Mr. Heyman...Copy !req
322. it's me, George Costanza.Copy !req
323. JFK, '71."Copy !req
324. He doesn't move.Copy !req
325. So I said:Copy !req
326. "Can't stand you. Can't stand you."Copy !req
327. He turns and smiles.Copy !req
328. The little baked-bean teeth.Copy !req
329. I get up to run away...Copy !req
330. but something was holding me back.Copy !req
331. It was Heyman.Copy !req
332. He had my underwear.Copy !req
333. Here I was on the steps
of the 42nd Street library...Copy !req
334. a grown man...Copy !req
335. getting a wedgie.Copy !req
336. At least it wasn't atomic.Copy !req
337. It was.Copy !req
338. So, Georgie boy, guess what
happened to Tropic of Cancer.Copy !req
339. - How should I know?
- Because I gave it to you.Copy !req
340. - Me?
- Yeah, think.Copy !req
341. Don't you remember?
You kept begging me to see it.Copy !req
342. Then finally, I agreed.Copy !req
343. You were supposed to return it.Copy !req
344. I met you in the gym locker room
and gave it to you.Copy !req
345. The locker room.Copy !req
346. - George, here's the book.
- Oh, man.Copy !req
347. Don't let anybody see it.
Don't let anything happen to it.Copy !req
348. It's me, George. Don't worry.
I'll return it tomorrow.Copy !req
349. All right. I'll see you after school.
I'm late for Heyman's hygiene.Copy !req
350. - Can't stand you!
- Yes, Mr. Heyman?Copy !req
351. Your underwear was sticking out
of your shorts during gym class.Copy !req
352. - That's because I wear boxer shorts.
- Boxer shorts, huh?Copy !req
353. - What brand?
- I'm not really sure.Copy !req
354. Yeah, well, let's take a look!Copy !req
355. Anyway, I hope there's
no hard feelings.Copy !req
356. Hard feelings? What do you know
about hard feelings?Copy !req
357. Ever have a man die in your arms?
Ever kill somebody?Copy !req
358. - What is your problem?
- What's my problem?Copy !req
359. Punks like you. That's my problem.Copy !req
360. You better not
screw up again, Seinfeld.Copy !req
361. Because if you do, I'll be all over you
like a pit bull on a poodle.Copy !req
362. That is one tough monkey.Copy !req
363. - So you were saying?
- So I took your suggestion...Copy !req
364. and I gave my boss
Marion's poems...Copy !req
365. the ones that affected
Kramer so much.Copy !req
366. - Oh, beautiful. Did he like them?
- No, he didn't.Copy !req
367. No, he didn't.Copy !req
368. - Was he out there?
- No, he's gone.Copy !req
369. - I wonder what happened to him.
- I guess we'll never know.Copy !req
370. Can't stand you.Copy !req
371. Can't stand you. Can't stand you.Copy !req
372. Can't stand you.Copy !req
373. Any day that you had gym...Copy !req
374. was a weird school day.Copy !req
375. You know what I mean?
It started off kind of normal.Copy !req
376. You have, like, English, geometry,
social studies...Copy !req
377. and then suddenly, you're, like,
in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes.Copy !req
378. You're hanging from a rope.
You have hardly any clothes on.Copy !req
379. Teachers are yelling at you,
"Where's your jockstrap?" You know.Copy !req
380. Kids are throwing dodge balls at you.
You're trying to survive.Copy !req
381. Then it's history...Copy !req
382. science, language.Copy !req
383. There's something off
in the whole flow of that day.Copy !req