1. So I'm on the plane. We left late.Copy !req
2. Pilot says, "We're going to be making
up some time." Isn't that interesting?Copy !req
3. They just make up time.Copy !req
4. That's why you have to
reset your watch.Copy !req
5. Of course when they say
they're making up time...Copy !req
6. obviously, they're increasing
the speed of the aircraft.Copy !req
7. Now my question is,
if you can go faster...Copy !req
8. why don't you just go
as fast as you can...Copy !req
9. all the time?Copy !req
10. Come on. There's no cops up here.
Nail it. Give it some gas.Copy !req
11. We're flying.Copy !req
12. Travelling, of course,
is the best education.Copy !req
13. You know, last year...Copy !req
14. I was ill for 40, 45 countries...Copy !req
15. and I would've gone to more,
but I'd just got a puppy.Copy !req
16. And he was too young
to take with me.Copy !req
17. But not now.
I won't travel without him.Copy !req
18. - Is he on the plane now?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
19. Yes, he's in
the baggage compartment.Copy !req
20. I don't know why they won't
let him sit up here with me.Copy !req
21. He's a lot better behaved
than most of the dregs...Copy !req
22. you find on board here.Copy !req
23. You have any pets?Copy !req
24. Just my next-door neighbour.Copy !req
25. Well...Copy !req
26. you are missing out
on a relationship...Copy !req
27. that could enrich your life in ways
that you never even thought possible.Copy !req
28. How about picking up their—?
You know.Copy !req
29. You find that enriching?Copy !req
30. - What's the matter?
- Oh, I'm feeling a bit...Copy !req
31. queasy.Copy !req
32. Sir, we're gonna make
an emergency landing in Chicago...Copy !req
33. and get you to a hospital.Copy !req
34. My dog.Copy !req
35. What about my dog?Copy !req
36. You have a dog?Copy !req
37. Do you know anyone
on the plane, Mr. Palone?Copy !req
38. Jerry.Copy !req
39. How you feeling?Copy !req
40. Would you take care of Farfel?Copy !req
41. Farfel?Copy !req
42. It's his dog. We're landing in
Chicago to get him to a hospital.Copy !req
43. - Could you take his dog to New York?
- The dog?Copy !req
44. - The dog?
- I'm sure it's only for a day or two.Copy !req
45. But, you know—
What if, you know...?Copy !req
46. Give me your address
and phone number. I'll call you.Copy !req
47. The dog?Copy !req
48. Let go, Farfel.Copy !req
49. Let go. Give me that.Copy !req
50. Give me that sneaker,
you stupid idiot.Copy !req
51. Shut up!Copy !req
52. So, what would you do?Copy !req
53. It's only been three days.
I'm sure he's gonna call.Copy !req
54. Stop it! Shut up!Copy !req
55. Do you believe this?
Do you believe what I'm dealing with?Copy !req
56. I got a wild animal in the house.Copy !req
57. He'd deranged. Maybe he's got
rabies. I can get lockjaw.Copy !req
58. - If only.
- Look at this place.Copy !req
59. He's going everywhere.Copy !req
60. I can't go out of the house at night.
I haven't performed in three days.Copy !req
61. This will be my first night out
since I got back.Copy !req
62. Hey, when you walk him, do you...?Copy !req
63. Do I what?Copy !req
64. Do you pick it up?Copy !req
65. Yes, I pick it up.Copy !req
66. - You pick it up?
- Well, you have to.Copy !req
67. Oh, boy, would I love to see that.Copy !req
68. Shut up!Copy !req
69. Shut up, Farfel! Stop it!Copy !req
70. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
71. What if I take it to the pound,
then the guy shows up?Copy !req
72. You should call the airline.
They might know where he is.Copy !req
73. No, I tried. They don't know anything.
You gotta put the syrup in first.Copy !req
74. - No, milk.
- I'm telling you. The guy's a drunk.Copy !req
75. He's probably on a bender.Copy !req
76. What is a bender anyhow?Copy !req
77. I don't know. They drink and they
bend things at the bar. I don't know.Copy !req
78. I can't believe he hasn't called.Copy !req
79. Two hundred seats on a plane...Copy !req
80. I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack
and his dog Cujo.Copy !req
81. Shut up!Copy !req
82. One more day,
and you are pound-bound!Copy !req
83. Hey, I'm sorry. I can't
watch the dog tonight.Copy !req
84. - Why?
- We're going to the movies.Copy !req
85. We're gonna see
Prognosis Negative.Copy !req
86. I can't. I gotta get this Ellen
out of my life.Copy !req
87. - You're breaking up?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
88. The sooner the better.
I can't wait to do it.Copy !req
89. You know some people
you worry about whether or not...Copy !req
90. you're gonna hurt their feelings?
With her, I'm looking forward to it.Copy !req
91. Boy, I'd like to get it on video.Copy !req
92. Watch it in slow motion
and freeze-frame it.Copy !req
93. Kramer, I don't know how you
lasted as long as you did.Copy !req
94. You didn't like her?Copy !req
95. If you could see her personality...Copy !req
96. it'd be like one of the
Elephant Man exhibits...Copy !req
97. where they pull off the sheet
and everyone gasps.Copy !req
98. I can't believe someone
hasn't killed her yet.Copy !req
99. How come you never said anything?Copy !req
100. You can't tell someone how you feel
about their girlfriend...Copy !req
101. - ... till after they stop—
- I tell you.Copy !req
102. You. I'm talking about people.Copy !req
103. Are we still going
to the movies tonight?Copy !req
104. No, I can't. I gotta watch Farfel.
You and George can go without me.Copy !req
105. - Just me and George?
- Sure.Copy !req
106. But we need you.Copy !req
107. What do you need me for?Copy !req
108. Because.Copy !req
109. - Yeah?
- Prognosis Negative.Copy !req
110. Because I relate to George
through you.Copy !req
111. We're more like...Copy !req
112. friends-in-law. Besides, we said
we'd see Prognosis Negative together.Copy !req
113. Can't you put some newspapers
down or something?Copy !req
114. No, I can't trust him. He gets insane.
I won't enjoy myself.Copy !req
115. That's right, Farfel,
I'm talking about you!Copy !req
116. Just me and George alone?Copy !req
117. Let's go, people. Let's go.
It's Prognosis Negative time.Copy !req
118. I can't go.Copy !req
119. - You can't go? Why not?
- Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.Copy !req
120. - I thought Kramer was watching him.
- He's breaking up with his girlfriend.Copy !req
121. What's the problem?
Just put newspaper down.Copy !req
122. No, I don't want that smell
in the house.Copy !req
123. - You spritz a little Lysol on it—
- No.Copy !req
124. It's like BO and cologne.Copy !req
125. They combine forces into some kind
of strange mutant funk.Copy !req
126. So we're not going?Copy !req
127. Nah. You two go.Copy !req
128. You still wanna go?Copy !req
129. Do you?Copy !req
130. If you want.Copy !req
131. - It's— It's up to you.
- Go ahead.Copy !req
132. Well, I really wanted to see
Prognosis Negative with Jerry.Copy !req
133. You wanna see Ponce de Leon?Copy !req
134. Ponce de Leon?Copy !req
135. Okay.Copy !req
136. - You sure you don't wanna go?
- I want to, but I can't.Copy !req
137. Oh! I tell you what.Copy !req
138. How about if I come back here first
and I clean everything up?Copy !req
139. And I open up the windows,
and if you're still not satisfied...Copy !req
140. - ... we switch apartments for the night.
- No.Copy !req
141. - What about this—?
- Forget it.Copy !req
142. Go ahead. You'll have a good time.Copy !req
143. - I know. It's not that.
- I just want you to go.Copy !req
144. Well, thank you very much.Copy !req
145. I'm telling you, one more day,
stink breath!Copy !req
146. On my block, a lot of people
walk their dogs...Copy !req
147. and I always see them walking
along with their little poop bags...Copy !req
148. which to me is just
the lowest function of human life.Copy !req
149. If aliens are watching this
through telescopes...Copy !req
150. they're gonna think the dogs
are the leaders.Copy !req
151. If you see two life forms,
one of them is making a poop...Copy !req
152. the other one's carrying it for him...Copy !req
153. Who would you assume
is in charge?Copy !req
154. So how long did you live there?Copy !req
155. About three years.Copy !req
156. That's pretty long.Copy !req
157. - It's not that long, really.
- Yeah.Copy !req
158. - Do you—?
- So—Copy !req
159. - And then you came here.
- Yeah.Copy !req
160. So I've been here about six years.Copy !req
161. '86, '87, '88, '89, '90...Copy !req
162. '91.Copy !req
163. Yep.Copy !req
164. Bad dog.Copy !req
165. Bad dog!Copy !req
166. You go outside!Copy !req
167. Outside!Copy !req
168. What do you want from me? Tell me.Copy !req
169. Money? You want money?Copy !req
170. I'll give you money. How much?Copy !req
171. I must have been out of my mind.
Look at you.Copy !req
172. Why don't you do something
with your life?Copy !req
173. You sit around here all day.
You contribute nothing to society!Copy !req
174. You're just taking up space!Copy !req
175. I mean, how can I be
with someone like you?Copy !req
176. Wouldn't respect myself.Copy !req
177. I like herbal tea.Copy !req
178. Chamomile's good.Copy !req
179. Lemon Lift.Copy !req
180. Almond Pleasure.Copy !req
181. Jerry likes Morning Thunder.Copy !req
182. - Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?
- Yeah.Copy !req
183. Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.
Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.Copy !req
184. Jerry doesn't know
Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.Copy !req
185. - You don't tell him?
- No.Copy !req
186. And you should see him.
Man, he gets all hyper.Copy !req
187. He doesn't even know why.
He loves it.Copy !req
188. He walks around going,
"God, I feel great!"Copy !req
189. - You don't tell him?
- No.Copy !req
190. - That is so funny.
- I know.Copy !req
191. Have you ever seen him throw up?Copy !req
192. Please!Copy !req
193. Please!Copy !req
194. I take it all back!Copy !req
195. Everything. I take it all back!
Every word!Copy !req
196. I love you!Copy !req
197. I love you!Copy !req
198. I can't live without you!
I'll do anything!Copy !req
199. That's right. Gavin Palone.Copy !req
200. What? You're sure?Copy !req
201. He was released on Monday?Copy !req
202. Last Monday?Copy !req
203. Did he leave a phone number
or address?Copy !req
204. Unbelievable.Copy !req
205. Well, thank you. Thanks.
Thanks very much.Copy !req
206. That's it, Farfel. Party's over.Copy !req
207. Start packing up your little squeeze
toys, buddy boy. You're checking out.Copy !req
208. It was weird because George
and I get along so great...Copy !req
209. in so many situations...Copy !req
210. but this was the first time
we went one-on-one.Copy !req
211. One-on-one's a whole
different game. Can't pass off.Copy !req
212. The only time it wasn't uncomfortable
was when we were making fun of you.Copy !req
213. Hello. Boy George, about time.Copy !req
214. Beautiful. How soon?Copy !req
215. Okay, here's the plan:Copy !req
216. We take the dog to the pound,
we go right to the movies.Copy !req
217. Right. You, me and Elaine.Copy !req
218. Yes, all three of us.Copy !req
219. I am going.Copy !req
220. Okay, see you in five minutes.Copy !req
221. - What?
- Do you have to?Copy !req
222. What am I supposed to do?
I don't want to do it.Copy !req
223. I like dogs.Copy !req
224. I'm not sure this is a dog.Copy !req
225. You know the guy might have
just lost your number.Copy !req
226. I'm in the book,
and I have a machine.Copy !req
227. Jerry, do you know what they do
to dogs at the pound?Copy !req
228. They keep them there for a week.
If nobody claims them, they kill them.Copy !req
229. Really?Copy !req
230. How late are they open?Copy !req
231. - What?
- What is it?Copy !req
232. I went back with Ellen.Copy !req
233. - That's great.
- Great.Copy !req
234. - Terrific.
- Yeah.Copy !req
235. I really think you guys
are good together.Copy !req
236. Yes. She understands you,
and she is not demanding.Copy !req
237. Do you think that I forgot
what you two said about her?Copy !req
238. - We're just trying to be supportive.
- Yes.Copy !req
239. - We knew you were upset—
- From now on...Copy !req
240. when we pass each other,
I don't know you, you don't know me.Copy !req
241. Oh, Kramer. We didn't mean it.Copy !req
242. - What are you doing?
- I'm getting my pot.Copy !req
243. - Kramer, we like her.
- Kramer...Copy !req
244. What did we say that was so bad?Copy !req
245. I believe I referred to her personality
as a potential science exhibit.Copy !req
246. I said, "How come
no one's killed her?"Copy !req
247. - Well.
- Well.Copy !req
248. Probably shouldn't have
said anything.Copy !req
249. I mean, everybody knows
the first breakup never takes.Copy !req
250. - Yeah?
- Prognosis Negative.Copy !req
251. Great. Okay, Farfel,
put your shoes on.Copy !req
252. Jerry, can't you just give it
one more day?Copy !req
253. - It's not his fault.
- It's not my dog.Copy !req
254. I don't know where
this booze hound is.Copy !req
255. All right, I tell you what.Copy !req
256. How about if you and George
go to the movies...Copy !req
257. and I stay here
and watch the dog?Copy !req
258. I can't let you do that.
What about Prognosis Negative?Copy !req
259. We'll see it Sunday.Copy !req
260. Tonight's the night, right?
Prognosis Negative.Copy !req
261. I'm not going.
I'm gonna watch the dog.Copy !req
262. - What does this mean?
- Well...Copy !req
263. we'll go see something else tonight.
We'll see Ponce de Leon.Copy !req
264. What is with this dog? I thought
we were taking it to the pound.Copy !req
265. She talked me into one more day.Copy !req
266. Talk. I'm going to the bathroom.Copy !req
267. Jerry, how long are you
gonna be in there?Copy !req
268. I don't know, regular human time.Copy !req
269. Why don't you wait
and go at the movies?Copy !req
270. - Why shouldn't I go here?
- Well, you know.Copy !req
271. Sometimes it's good to get there
and make sure you get seats...Copy !req
272. and then go to the bathroom.Copy !req
273. - And isn't it more fun using the urinal?
- Yeah.Copy !req
274. Oh, yeah, George. Urinals are fun.Copy !req
275. - Can I go?
- Hey, go.Copy !req
276. - Who's stopping you?
- What, are you doing me a favour?Copy !req
277. Like we care if you go
to the bathroom.Copy !req
278. - How's it going?
- Good.Copy !req
279. - You?
- Things are good.Copy !req
280. - Boy, he takes such a long time.
- I know.Copy !req
281. You know what he does
in there? He gargles.Copy !req
282. Jerry gargles?
That why he takes so long?Copy !req
283. Yeah, he does it
like six times a day.Copy !req
284. - How come we never hear him?
- Because he does it quiet.Copy !req
285. He does it quiet. Lookit—
Just like this. Watch.Copy !req
286. Wait, wait. Did you ever
see him throw up?Copy !req
287. We talked about that already.Copy !req
288. I have nothing to say
to anybody anymore.Copy !req
289. I'm so uninteresting.Copy !req
290. I'm think I'm out of conversation.Copy !req
291. So why do you call me
six times a day?Copy !req
292. All I know about is sports. That's it.Copy !req
293. No matter how depressed,
I can always read sports.Copy !req
294. I could read the sports section
if my hair was on fire.Copy !req
295. You know what,
Ponce de Leon is sold out.Copy !req
296. It is. Oh, yeah, you're right.
What else is playing?Copy !req
297. Nothing except Prognosis Negative.Copy !req
298. Boy, I know she really wants
to see that with me.Copy !req
299. Give me that jacket, mud face.Copy !req
300. This is not Seinfeld
you're dealing with.Copy !req
301. When I get through with you,
you'll be begging to go to the pound.Copy !req
302. Shut up.Copy !req
303. Shut up!Copy !req
304. Hello?Copy !req
305. No. Who's calling?Copy !req
306. Oh, my God. The dog guy.Copy !req
307. Well, where have you been?Copy !req
308. Yeah? Well, you better pick up
your dog tonight...Copy !req
309. or he has humped his last leg.Copy !req
310. I could understand if there was
something else playing...Copy !req
311. but it's this or nothing.Copy !req
312. - I don't know what to do.
- What is this saving movies thing?Copy !req
313. - Something's playing, you go.
- I know. I know.Copy !req
314. So we're gonna do nothing now?Copy !req
315. - This is crazy.
- It is kind of silly.Copy !req
316. - Of course it is.
- I mean, it's just a movie—Copy !req
317. - Exactly.
- It's not like she's in the movie.Copy !req
318. Right.Copy !req
319. We're supposed to ruin the night
because she wants to see it?Copy !req
320. If I could have seen it
with her, fine.Copy !req
321. But I can't control these
circumstances and schedules...Copy !req
322. - ... and people's availabilities.
- She'll still see it.Copy !req
323. - You're not stopping her—
- How does sitting next to a person...Copy !req
324. in a movie theatre
increase the enjoyment?Copy !req
325. You can't talk during a movie.Copy !req
326. This is stupid. Come on.Copy !req
327. - Let's just go.
- Good.Copy !req
328. - Saving movies.
- Ridiculous.Copy !req
329. Two for Prognosis Negative.Copy !req
330. - I'm in big trouble.
- Oh, you're dead.Copy !req
331. Bell's Palsy.Copy !req
332. The entire side of—
Of my face...Copy !req
333. was paralysed.Copy !req
334. Farfel.Copy !req
335. You know, I couldn't— I couldn't—
I couldn't even feed myself.Copy !req
336. I was completely incapacitated.Copy !req
337. Quiet, Farfel!Copy !req
338. - Farfel.
- It's interesting...Copy !req
339. because I called the hospital...Copy !req
340. and they said you were
released on Monday.Copy !req
341. Yes, that's true...Copy !req
342. but then, see, I was taken
to the Bell's Palsy Centre.Copy !req
343. In— In Rockville.Copy !req
344. Absolutely first—
First-rate facility.Copy !req
345. Top— Top-notch physicians.Copy !req
346. Hey, come on. Come on.
Get off me.Copy !req
347. He won't hurt you. He's just playing.Copy !req
348. Now you keep that mutt
away from me.Copy !req
349. Mutt? I'll wager his parents
are more pure than yours.Copy !req
350. Kramer, are you coming?Copy !req
351. - Oh, hi, Ellen.
- Get in here.Copy !req
352. Listen, it's been a pleasure
taking care of your dog for a week...Copy !req
353. but if you don't mind...Copy !req
354. You'll be calling me to ask
if you can come and visit him...Copy !req
355. before the month is out.Copy !req
356. I never see you
or him again for the rest of my life.Copy !req
357. We made plans.Copy !req
358. Why don't we just rent a movie?Copy !req
359. I thought you wanted to see
Prognosis Negative.Copy !req
360. No. It's supposed to be
really bad. Really bad.Copy !req
361. I mean, it's long. There's no story.Copy !req
362. It's so unbelievably boring—
I heard. I...Copy !req
363. Jerry, you promised me we'd go.Copy !req
364. Well, George told me
the whole story, line for line.Copy !req
365. I almost feel like I've seen it already
and walked out on it.Copy !req
366. Wait. George saw the movie? I saw
him yesterday. He didn't mention it.Copy !req
367. You and George got together?Copy !req
368. Yeah. I wanted to talk about how
we had nothing to talk about.Copy !req
369. Hello.Copy !req
370. Hi, hi, hi.Copy !req
371. What's up?Copy !req
372. Well, you were right.Copy !req
373. - About what?
- Ellen.Copy !req
374. We broke up again.Copy !req
375. Too bad.Copy !req
376. I thought she was the one.Copy !req
377. I'll bring back the pot.Copy !req
378. Okay, come on. It's movie time.Copy !req
379. - Hey, what are you gonna see?
- Prognosis Negative.Copy !req
380. - That's supposed to be great.
- It's not.Copy !req
381. - Well, how do you know?
- I have an instinct for these things.Copy !req
382. I had a parakeet when I was a kid.
That was the only pet I really enjoyed.Copy !req
383. We used to let him out of his cage...Copy !req
384. and he would fly around.
And my mother had built—Copy !req
385. One entire wall of our living room
was mirrored...Copy !req
386. she felt this gives you
a feeling of space.Copy !req
387. Have you ever heard this
interior-design principle?Copy !req
388. The mirror makes it seem like
you have another room.Copy !req
389. Who walks up
to a mirror and goes:Copy !req
390. "Hey, look. There's a whole
other room in there.Copy !req
391. There's a guy in there,
looks just like me"?Copy !req
392. But the parakeet will fall for this.
You let him out. He flies around.Copy !req
393. Bang! With his little head.
He would just go:Copy !req
394. I'd always think, even if he thinks
the mirror is another room...Copy !req
395. why doesn't he at least try and
avoid hitting the other parakeet?Copy !req