1. I have never seen an old person
in a new bathing suit...Copy !req
2. in my life. I don't know where
they get their bathing suits.Copy !req
3. But my father has bathing suits
from other centuries.Copy !req
4. My parents live in Florida.Copy !req
5. And if you go down there and
you forget your bathing suit...Copy !req
6. then they want you
to wear one of theirs.Copy !req
7. You know how that gets?Copy !req
8. "You need trunks, son?
I got trunks for you.Copy !req
9. You can wear my trunks."Copy !req
10. Fathers don't wear bathing
suits, they wear trunks.Copy !req
11. It's kind of the same thing a tree
would wear if it went swimming.Copy !req
12. So I get in the water in this thing,
and it's, like, floating around me...Copy !req
13. somewhere.Copy !req
14. You ever put on a bathing suit
that you don't know...Copy !req
15. exactly where you are
inside the bathing suit?Copy !req
16. You bump into somebody,
"No, I'm parasailing.Copy !req
17. I'm waiting for the boat
to come back."Copy !req
18. It was supposed to be here at 7:30.Copy !req
19. - Call the airlines again.
- What happened to the Scotch tape?Copy !req
20. Who takes the Scotch tape?Copy !req
21. Nobody returns anything
around here.Copy !req
22. Oh, I think that's them.Copy !req
23. Know what I'll do next time?Copy !req
24. I'll hide it so nobody can find it.Copy !req
25. - Hi! Welcome!
- Hi!Copy !req
26. - Welcome.
- How are you?Copy !req
27. - Welcome to Florida!
- Hi, Mr. Seinfeld.Copy !req
28. Hey, there's the old man.Copy !req
29. So, what took you so long?Copy !req
30. We waited 35 minutes
in the rent-a-car place.Copy !req
31. I don't know why.
We would have picked you up.Copy !req
32. - What's the difference?
- You could use our car.Copy !req
33. I don't want to use your car.Copy !req
34. - What's wrong with our car?
- Nothing. It's fine.Copy !req
35. - What if you want to use it?
- We don't.Copy !req
36. - What? We use it.
- If you were using it, we wouldn't.Copy !req
37. So, what, you'd hitch?Copy !req
38. - How much is a rent-a-car?
- I don't know, 25 bucks a day.Copy !req
39. - What? Oh, you're crazy.
- Plus the insurance.Copy !req
40. Oh, I didn't get the insurance.Copy !req
41. How could you not
get the insurance?Copy !req
42. We'll pay for the car.Copy !req
43. - You're not paying for it.
- Morty.Copy !req
44. God, it's so hot in here.Copy !req
45. Why don't you put on
the air conditioning?Copy !req
46. You don't need the air conditioner.
Do you have your speech all ready?Copy !req
47. Do I have to make a speech?Copy !req
48. Of course. They're giving
a testimonial for your father.Copy !req
49. - You could do your comic routines.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
50. That'll go over real well
with that crowd.Copy !req
51. You have a lake.Copy !req
52. - The lake isn't real.
- The lake is real.Copy !req
53. Are you kidding? They built the lake.Copy !req
54. But it's real, it's water.Copy !req
55. - Where are you going with those?
- I'll put Elaine's stuff in here.Copy !req
56. Don't sleep in there.
Sleep in the bedroom.Copy !req
57. I can't take your bedroom.Copy !req
58. - I'm up at 6:00 in the morning.
- I can't kick you out of your bed.Copy !req
59. We don't even sleep.Copy !req
60. - Ma.
- It's a sofa bed.Copy !req
61. - You'll be uncomfortable.
- What about you?Copy !req
62. Why should I be comfortable?Copy !req
63. - What about him?
- Don't worry. He's comfortable.Copy !req
64. I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.Copy !req
65. - Will you stop?
- Yeah, I'll just stay in here.Copy !req
66. Jerry.Copy !req
67. Jerry, you don't have to stay
on the couch on my account.Copy !req
68. - You two can stay in there together.
- That's not a good idea.Copy !req
69. - I thought that you—
- Not now. She's right inside.Copy !req
70. What happened?Copy !req
71. I don't know. We decided we
don't really work as a couple.Copy !req
72. - What does that mean?
- Well—Copy !req
73. Why are you whispering?Copy !req
74. - Nothing, nothing.
- Elaine.Copy !req
75. - What about her?
- Would you please be—?Copy !req
76. You know, look at the
sun-dried tomatoes.Copy !req
77. Where were they five years ago?Copy !req
78. It just goes to show you,
you never know what—Copy !req
79. What, you know, could happen...Copy !req
80. to a vegetable. It could just
take right off at any time.Copy !req
81. We've tried all kinds
of arrangements...Copy !req
82. but we can't seem to be friends
when we sleep together.Copy !req
83. Why do you need more friends?Copy !req
84. You've got plenty of friends.Copy !req
85. - He's an idealist.
- What are you looking for?Copy !req
86. - I'm looking. I like looking.
- He likes looking.Copy !req
87. - So look.
- But how long can you look?Copy !req
88. I'm going for the record.Copy !req
89. Your father wouldn't say so,
but he's really glad you came.Copy !req
90. - Oh, come on.
- This is a big thing for him.Copy !req
91. Outgoing president
of the condo association.Copy !req
92. So they arrived safely.Copy !req
93. - Remember Jack and Doris?
- Nice to see you.Copy !req
94. - This is Elaine.
- Hi.Copy !req
95. - Nice to meet you. Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
96. - Pleased to meet you.
- Hey, Jerry...Copy !req
97. you came all the way
down here for this?Copy !req
98. And scuba diving.Copy !req
99. Scuba diving?
Who's going scuba diving?Copy !req
100. We're going. We'll be back in time.Copy !req
101. What do you have to go
scuba diving for?Copy !req
102. - For fun.
- For fun?Copy !req
103. Jack, have some sponge cake.Copy !req
104. No. Thanks, no.Copy !req
105. Jack is emceeing tomorrow.Copy !req
106. - He's in charge of the whole thing.
- So, Jerry, your mother tells me...Copy !req
107. you're gonna do one of your
little comedy skits tomorrow.Copy !req
108. - I don't think so.
- No?Copy !req
109. Listen, Morty, you want to
settle up for last night?Copy !req
110. All right. I owe you $19.45.Copy !req
111. What did you have?
You had the minute steak.Copy !req
112. - Yeah.
- Did you have a Coke or what?Copy !req
113. I did not have a Coke.Copy !req
114. Somebody had a Coke.Copy !req
115. - I had a Coke.
- Oh, and I had the scampi.Copy !req
116. So, that's $17.10,
and the tax and the tip.Copy !req
117. All right, make it 20 bucks.Copy !req
118. It's $19.45, Morty.Copy !req
119. $19.45?Copy !req
120. See, you know your father.Copy !req
121. You got to get it right
to the penny.Copy !req
122. But that's why he was
such a good president.Copy !req
123. Hey, what kind of pen is that?Copy !req
124. - This pen?
- Yeah.Copy !req
125. Oh, this is an astronaut pen.Copy !req
126. It writes upside down.
They use this in space.Copy !req
127. Oh, that's the astronaut pen. I heard
about that. Where did you get it?Copy !req
128. - It was a gift.
- Because a lot of times I write in bed...Copy !req
129. and I have to turn and lean on
my elbow to make the pen work.Copy !req
130. - Take the pen.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
131. - Go ahead.
- I couldn't.Copy !req
132. - Take it.
- I can't take it.Copy !req
133. - Do me a personal favour.
- No, I'm not comfortable.Copy !req
134. - I cannot take it.
- Take the pen.Copy !req
135. - Are you sure?
- I'm positive. Take the pen.Copy !req
136. Okay, thank you very much.
Thank you. Gee, boy.Copy !req
137. - Jack, what are you doing?
- Stop it.Copy !req
138. Jack, we should go.Copy !req
139. It was nice meeting you.Copy !req
140. - Nice to meet you.
- Thanks again.Copy !req
141. Come on!Copy !req
142. She's adorable.Copy !req
143. What did you take his pen for?Copy !req
144. - He gave it to me.
- But you didn't have to take it.Copy !req
145. She's gotta make a big deal
out of everything.Copy !req
146. - He offered it to me.
- Because you made such a big fuss.Copy !req
147. Well, I liked it. Should I
have said I didn't like it?Copy !req
148. You shouldn't have said anything.
What did you expect?Copy !req
149. He could have said, "Thank you,"
and put it back in his pocket.Copy !req
150. - He loves that pen.
- Come on.Copy !req
151. He talks about it all the time.
He goes on and on...Copy !req
152. about how it writes upside down,
how astronauts use it.Copy !req
153. He never should have offered it.Copy !req
154. - He didn't think you'd accept.
- Well, he was wrong.Copy !req
155. I know his wife.
She has some mouth on her.Copy !req
156. She'll tell everyone in the condo now
that you made him give you the pen.Copy !req
157. They're talking about it right now.Copy !req
158. - So you want me to return it?
- Yes.Copy !req
159. He's not gonna return that pen.
That's ridiculous.Copy !req
160. I don't even want the pen now.Copy !req
161. Jack can afford to give away a pen
with all his money, believe me.Copy !req
162. He gives me a check for $19.45.Copy !req
163. He didn't have a Coke.Copy !req
164. Here, let me see it.Copy !req
165. - Hey, it writes upside down.
- Yeah.Copy !req
166. Come in.Copy !req
167. You okay in here?Copy !req
168. Why is it so hot in here?Copy !req
169. How can they sleep like this?Copy !req
170. It's only for three days.Copy !req
171. Today's over.
Then we have tomorrow.Copy !req
172. We leave on Sunday.
It's one day, really.Copy !req
173. What is with this bar?Copy !req
174. It's right in my back. It's killing me.Copy !req
175. You wanna switch?
I'm on a love seat.Copy !req
176. I got my feet up in the air
like I'm in a space capsule.Copy !req
177. I am never gonna fall asleep.Copy !req
178. Oh, no, don't say that.
You'll jinx me.Copy !req
179. How can they not put
the air conditioning on?Copy !req
180. They're nuts with temperature.Copy !req
181. This bar is right in my back.Copy !req
182. It's making a dent.Copy !req
183. How about that guy
writing a check for $19.45?Copy !req
184. I'm sweating here.Copy !req
185. I'm in bed, sweating.Copy !req
186. It's one day.Copy !req
187. Half a day, really.Copy !req
188. I mean, you subtract showers
and meals, it's like 20 minutes.Copy !req
189. It'll go by like that.Copy !req
190. Stay on 95 South
to Biscayne Boulevard.Copy !req
191. Then you make a left turn.Copy !req
192. Put your blinker on immediately,
there's an abutment there.Copy !req
193. Then you're gonna merge over
very quickly, but stay on Biscayne.Copy !req
194. Don't get off Biscayne,
you understand me?Copy !req
195. Stay on Biscayne.Copy !req
196. You're going underwater?Copy !req
197. Yes, generally, that's where
scuba diving is done.Copy !req
198. What do you have to go for?
What's down there that's so special?Copy !req
199. What's so special up here?Copy !req
200. What's the matter?Copy !req
201. - My back.
- What happened?Copy !req
202. That— That bed.Copy !req
203. The bar was right in my back.Copy !req
204. I told you to let us sleep in there.Copy !req
205. Then you would be hunched over.Copy !req
206. I don't even know if
I can go scuba diving.Copy !req
207. - You can't go?
- So stay home.Copy !req
208. - You can go.
- Without you?Copy !req
209. That's the reason you came down.Copy !req
210. - Don't go.
- You sure?Copy !req
211. Maybe you should see a doctor.Copy !req
212. - We'll stay in a hotel tonight.
- No, we'll stay in there.Copy !req
213. Why don't you get a new sofa?Copy !req
214. Nobody uses it.Copy !req
215. I'm buying you a new sofa.Copy !req
216. Jerry, don't talk crazy.Copy !req
217. Mrs. Seinfeld, please...Copy !req
218. I am begging you:Copy !req
219. Put the air conditioner on.Copy !req
220. You're hot?Copy !req
221. I've lost six pounds.Copy !req
222. I don't even know how to work it.Copy !req
223. I keep telling her
it's like an oven in here.Copy !req
224. Is everybody up?Copy !req
225. Hi, how are you?Copy !req
226. Hello, Jerry.Copy !req
227. Evelyn, this is Elaine.Copy !req
228. Hi, Evelyn.Copy !req
229. Jerry, you got thin.Copy !req
230. - Too thin?
- Oh, stop worrying...Copy !req
231. so much about how you look.Copy !req
232. So where's the new pen?Copy !req
233. - What?
- The pen.Copy !req
234. The one Jack Klompus gave you.Copy !req
235. - How did you know that?
- Blanche told me.Copy !req
236. - Blanche?
- That's some good pen.Copy !req
237. - Writes upside down.
- Yeah.Copy !req
238. - The astronauts use them.
- What did Blanche say?Copy !req
239. I don't know, she said
Jerry wanted the pen.Copy !req
240. I never really wanted the pen.Copy !req
241. - He gave him the pen.
- Morty.Copy !req
242. - Why? You don't like the pen?
- No, no, I—Copy !req
243. Because if you don't,
give it back to him.Copy !req
244. - Is that what she said?
- Who?Copy !req
245. - Blanche.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
246. Hello?Copy !req
247. Oh, hello, Gussy. What?Copy !req
248. Jerry wouldn't do that.
Jack gave it to him.Copy !req
249. All he said was he liked it.Copy !req
250. I mean, nobody put
a gun to his head.Copy !req
251. You're giving him back that pen.Copy !req
252. Somebody, please.Copy !req
253. The air conditioner.Copy !req
254. Oh, my God, I forgot all about it.Copy !req
255. All I said was, "I like the pen."Copy !req
256. How the hell do you
work this thing?Copy !req
257. Maybe you shouldn't go tonight.Copy !req
258. Oh, no, no, I wanna go.Copy !req
259. But your back hurts.Copy !req
260. Maybe a couple of muscle
relaxers would help.Copy !req
261. Oh, okay.Copy !req
262. You can turn down the air
conditioning if you want.Copy !req
263. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
264. - You're not too cold?
- No.Copy !req
265. - Don't be alarmed.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
266. - What the hell happened to you?
- I'm okay.Copy !req
267. - My capillaries burst.
- Your capillaries?Copy !req
268. - Do you know what you look like?
- How you doing?Copy !req
269. Having a good time.Copy !req
270. Is it my imagination
or is it freezing in here?Copy !req
271. What happened to your eyes?Copy !req
272. - Well, I started to go under—
- With the instructor?Copy !req
273. Yeah, I got about 10 feet down...Copy !req
274. and felt this tremendous
pressure on my mask...Copy !req
275. like my eyeballs were being
sucked out of their sockets.Copy !req
276. I told you.Copy !req
277. Excuse me.Copy !req
278. Doris would like to borrow
your red pocketbook...Copy !req
279. to go with her shoes.Copy !req
280. The shoes have to match
the pocketbook.Copy !req
281. What's she doing, yoga?Copy !req
282. - My back hurts.
- Morty, better hurry up.Copy !req
283. - Get ready.
- We got plenty of time.Copy !req
284. - What happened?
- I got in a fistfight...Copy !req
285. with one of the ladies at the pool.Copy !req
286. It's from scuba diving.Copy !req
287. What's there to see underwater?Copy !req
288. Listen, Mr. Klompus...Copy !req
289. it was a nice gesture to give me
the pen, but I don't really need it.Copy !req
290. - You what?
- It's a terrific pen...Copy !req
291. but I think you should keep it.Copy !req
292. - Well, I mean—
- Take it.Copy !req
293. All right.Copy !req
294. You know, Jack, you got a hell
of a nerve taking that kid's pen.Copy !req
295. - Whose pen?
- His pen.Copy !req
296. This happens to be my pen.Copy !req
297. - You didn't give it to him?
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
298. He practically begged me for it.Copy !req
299. Where do you come off
with this crap?Copy !req
300. Listen, do you think I take
everything everybody offers me?Copy !req
301. You offered me
sponge cake yesterday.Copy !req
302. - Did I take it?
- You didn't want it.Copy !req
303. Of course I wanted it!
I love sponge cake.Copy !req
304. Who said you couldn't have it?
I mean...Copy !req
305. what the hell do I care whether
you have sponge cake?Copy !req
306. Because I saw the look
on your face last week...Copy !req
307. when I took the Scotch tape.Copy !req
308. So you got the Scotch tape.Copy !req
309. - I've been looking all over for it.
- I'll give it back.Copy !req
310. - I don't want it.
- I don't want it!Copy !req
311. You know, Jack,
do me a favour, will you?Copy !req
312. Take the pen and the Scotch tape
and get the hell out of here.Copy !req
313. Listen, do you think I give a damn?Copy !req
314. Nerve of that guy,
taking back that pen.Copy !req
315. Well, that's it for them.Copy !req
316. What is going on
in this community?Copy !req
317. Are you people aware
of what's happening?Copy !req
318. What is driving you
to this behaviour?Copy !req
319. Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak?Copy !req
320. Is it the white shoes?Copy !req
321. I have no use for either one of them.
I don't want them there tonight.Copy !req
322. Isn't he supposed to emcee?Copy !req
323. Yeah, he's supposed
to be the emcee.Copy !req
324. Well, this should be
a very interesting evening.Copy !req
325. What about those muscle relaxers?Copy !req
326. Say "astronaut."Copy !req
327. Say what?Copy !req
328. Say what?Copy !req
329. You took too many of those pills.Copy !req
330. - Astronaut?
- Say it.Copy !req
331. - Astronaut!
- Astro...Copy !req
332. Good. Okay.Copy !req
333. Last year, I took him
to the hospital every day.Copy !req
334. Did he ever say thank you?Copy !req
335. Oh, God.Copy !req
336. Uncle Leo.Copy !req
337. Hello!Copy !req
338. - Morty, are you nervous?
- What nervous?Copy !req
339. What's with the sunglasses?
Who are you, Van Johnson?Copy !req
340. I got a black eye.Copy !req
341. Hello.Copy !req
342. Oh, Elaine...Copy !req
343. this is my Aunt Stella.Copy !req
344. Stella!Copy !req
345. Stella!Copy !req
346. Her back hurts.Copy !req
347. We saw you on
The Tonight Show last week.Copy !req
348. I thought Johnny
was very rude to you.Copy !req
349. - He didn't even let you talk.
- No, no.Copy !req
350. You need some new material.Copy !req
351. I've heard you do that
dog routine three times already.Copy !req
352. Stella!Copy !req
353. Stella!Copy !req
354. You should get your cousin Jeffrey
to write some material for you.Copy !req
355. What? Jeffrey works for
the Parks Department.Copy !req
356. You should read
the letters he's written.Copy !req
357. He's funnier than
the whole bunch of you.Copy !req
358. Oh, here's Jack.
We should sit down.Copy !req
359. This better be good.
I'm missing Golden Girls for this.Copy !req
360. I hate her like poison.Copy !req
361. Hey, Jack, let's get started.Copy !req
362. Ladies and gentlemen,
as you know...Copy !req
363. every year, phase two
of the Pines of Mar Gables...Copy !req
364. honours the previous
year's president.Copy !req
365. And this year, we are honouring...Copy !req
366. Morty Seinfeld.Copy !req
367. Morty!Copy !req
368. A man who slept more hours
on the job than Ronald Reagan.Copy !req
369. Slept on the job?Copy !req
370. Being president of the condo
is not easy.Copy !req
371. It requires hard work, dedication,
and commitment.Copy !req
372. And unfortunately, he possesses
none of these qualities.Copy !req
373. I wonder what he ever did.Copy !req
374. He's joking.Copy !req
375. His administration did
excel in one department:Copy !req
376. The hiring of incompetents.Copy !req
377. That's what you say.Copy !req
378. But we do owe him
a debt of gratitude...Copy !req
379. because by not fixing
the crack in the sidewalk...Copy !req
380. it put Mrs. Ziven out of
commission for a few weeks.Copy !req
381. Tell them about when you
took my son's pen back.Copy !req
382. Tell them about that.Copy !req
383. Dad.Copy !req
384. He gave my son a pen,
and then he takes it back.Copy !req
385. - Tell them that!
- I took it back?Copy !req
386. - He gave it to me!
- That's enough. Sit down.Copy !req
387. - I'm not finished!
- Give me that microphone. Give it!Copy !req
388. - Morty, give me that.
- Give him the pen.Copy !req
389. You broke my dental plate.Copy !req
390. Doris! He broke my dental plate.Copy !req
391. You son of a bitch. I'll sue you.Copy !req
392. Jerry, do your act.Copy !req
393. I can't. Nobody's even listening.Copy !req
394. Well, they're all gonna leave.Copy !req
395. - I got witnesses here.
- Even your wife is on my side.Copy !req
396. How you folks doing tonight?Copy !req
397. Hey, have you ever noticed how they
give you the peanuts on the planes?Copy !req
398. - Not my Harry! He flies first class!
- Who thought the thing...Copy !req
399. everybody wants on a plane
is a peanut?Copy !req
400. - I'd rather have a bottle of Scotch!
- Do the dog routine.Copy !req
401. All I said was, "I like the pen!"Copy !req
402. Stella!Copy !req
403. You could aggravate it.Copy !req
404. I wouldn't go anywhere
for at least five days.Copy !req
405. Five days?Copy !req
406. You want me to stay here
for five more days?Copy !req
407. There must be some mistake.Copy !req
408. I'm afraid not.Copy !req
409. Five days. Here.Copy !req
410. So we have you for five more days.Copy !req
411. There's no point in me staying.
You're just gonna be—Copy !req
412. Excuse me?Copy !req
413. Nothing.Copy !req
414. - Good morning.
- Hi, Evelyn.Copy !req
415. Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet?Copy !req
416. - I don't think so.
- Because my nephew Larry...Copy !req
417. could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer.Copy !req
418. He says Jack has no case.Copy !req
419. I'll ask him when he gets up.Copy !req
420. Oh, and I spoke to Arnold...Copy !req
421. and he says that according to the
bylaws of the condo constitution...Copy !req
422. they need six votes to throw you out
for unruly behaviour.Copy !req
423. Not five.Copy !req
424. Dr. Chernov is the one
you'll have to suck up to.Copy !req
425. Oh, my back.Copy !req
426. Oh, my back.Copy !req
427. That bar. Who the hell
could sleep on that thing?Copy !req
428. - I was very comfortable.
- Morty...Copy !req
429. Arnold says they need
six votes to throw you out.Copy !req
430. It's in the constitution.Copy !req
431. - Who are you?
- I'm a chiropractor.Copy !req
432. What, are you kidding me?Copy !req
433. Five more days?Copy !req
434. Well, today's almost over,
and weekdays always go by fast.Copy !req
435. And Friday, we're leaving,
so it's like two days, really.Copy !req
436. It's like a cup of coffee.Copy !req
437. It'll go by like that.Copy !req
438. Is Florida not hot and muggy
enough for these people?Copy !req
439. They love heat.Copy !req
440. If they ever decide to
land men on the sun...Copy !req
441. I think these old retired guys
will be the only ones...Copy !req
442. that will be able to handle it.
They'll sit there...Copy !req
443. on the redwood benches,
washcloth on their head, going:Copy !req
444. "I'm trying to get a sweat going."Copy !req