1. I bought the Ginsu knife.Copy !req
2. I did buy the Ginsu knife.Copy !req
3. I know, you can't believe it,
but I did, I swear. I saw it.Copy !req
4. It was late, I'm watching...Copy !req
5. and it started making sense to me.
I'm thinking:Copy !req
6. "Yeah, cut through the shoe,
cut through the can, yeah.Copy !req
7. Yeah, I want that."Copy !req
8. So I called up the number
on the screen, you know...Copy !req
9. and I said, "I'd like to order
the Ginsu knife."Copy !req
10. And the lady went, "Really?"Copy !req
11. I mean, even the Ginsu people
have given up.Copy !req
12. It's really so sad, you know.Copy !req
13. I guess, to be honest, if you need
a knife that can cut through a shoe...Copy !req
14. perhaps you're not buying the
highest grade of meat available.Copy !req
15. Maybe you ought to think about not
getting the "hoof cut" once in a while.Copy !req
16. What is it about sleep
that makes you so thirsty?Copy !req
17. Do dreams require liquid?Copy !req
18. It's not like I'm running a marathon,
I'm just lying there.Copy !req
19. What the hell?
Why is the door open?Copy !req
20. - Kramer, what are you doing here?
- Jerry, now calm down. It's okay.Copy !req
21. - Oh, God.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
22. I didn't want to wake you up.Copy !req
23. I was watching
Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo...Copy !req
24. and I— You know, I wanted
to get some popcorn...Copy !req
25. so I used the spare keys
that you gave me...Copy !req
26. to come in to get your popper.Copy !req
27. - You scared me!
- It's just me.Copy !req
28. - That's enough!
- Yeah, okay. Forgot the popper.Copy !req
29. It's not broken.Copy !req
30. Come on.Copy !req
31. Kramer!Copy !req
32. What are you doing?Copy !req
33. What does it look like? What?Copy !req
34. Get out of the bathroom. I gotta go!Copy !req
35. All right, all right.Copy !req
36. - Come on!
- All right.Copy !req
37. - Move it, move it! Get going!
- Well, my drain's all clogged up.Copy !req
38. - Is that my towel?
- Yes.Copy !req
39. I'm really happy the movie
was sold out.Copy !req
40. You ever pretend there's
murderers chasing you...Copy !req
41. and see how fast you can
get into your apartment?Copy !req
42. I'm from Wichita.Copy !req
43. - There he is!
- Hurry, Jerry, he's coming.Copy !req
44. - He's coming. The murderers!
- Hurry. Hurry, he's coming. Hurry!Copy !req
45. Oh, Jerry.Copy !req
46. Boy, that was close.Copy !req
47. Did you see the look
on that guy's face?Copy !req
48. - You were so fast with those keys.
- Well...Copy !req
49. - Beautiful.
- Kramer!Copy !req
50. What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
51. Hey, Jerry, how are you? I thought
you were going to the movies.Copy !req
52. That's it, hand them over.Copy !req
53. - What?
- You know what. The keys.Copy !req
54. You've lost your key privileges.Copy !req
55. - Oh, come on.
- No "come on."Copy !req
56. - I thought you went to the movie.
- It was sold out.Copy !req
57. How was I to know
it would be sold out?Copy !req
58. - That's the point.
- What point?Copy !req
59. - Just give me the keys.
- Just give me another chance.Copy !req
60. - Don't ask me.
- I'm asking you.Copy !req
61. - I'm telling you.
- You're joking.Copy !req
62. - I'm serious.
- It won't happen again.Copy !req
63. - It will. Give me the keys.
- No.Copy !req
64. - Let go.
- You let go. Come on, Jerry.Copy !req
65. Now, stop it. Come on, Kramer.Copy !req
66. Oh, great! Okay, all right.Copy !req
67. Fine, you go ahead. Take the keys.Copy !req
68. But you're gonna regret this.Copy !req
69. All right, yeah.Copy !req
70. Goochie.Copy !req
71. - So put them in a safe place.
- I will.Copy !req
72. - Where?
- I don't know.Copy !req
73. I'll hide them.Copy !req
74. - So is Kramer upset?
- I think so.Copy !req
75. I mean, he's acting really weird lately.
He's different.Copy !req
76. - Just give him the keys back.
- No, I can't.Copy !req
77. Is that Kramer?Copy !req
78. - Who's there?
- Kramer.Copy !req
79. Hey. Oh, hi. Oh, you got the...Copy !req
80. - No, I am not—
- No, no, it's okay. It's okay.Copy !req
81. I don't care about the keys.
It's my fault.Copy !req
82. No, I gave the keys away
with my stupidity.Copy !req
83. I broke the covenant of the keys.Copy !req
84. - Jerry, give him the keys back.
- Elaine.Copy !req
85. - Here.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
86. - I'm giving him the keys.
- Those are my keys.Copy !req
87. - Let go! Jerry! No!
- Elaine. Come on.Copy !req
88. Stop it! Stop it!
I don't want the keys back.Copy !req
89. No, I'm glad the way
things turned out.Copy !req
90. I was clinging to those keys, man...Copy !req
91. like a branch on the banks
of a raging river...Copy !req
92. and now I have let go.Copy !req
93. And I'm free to go with the current...Copy !req
94. to float.Copy !req
95. - And I thank you.
- Take the keys.Copy !req
96. - I don't want them.
- I want you to have them.Copy !req
97. - I don't want them! I can't.
- Come on. Take them!Copy !req
98. - No!
- Okay.Copy !req
99. Now, one more thing.Copy !req
100. I would like my keys back.Copy !req
101. - Your spare set?
- Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
102. - You want them back?
- Yeah, yeah...Copy !req
103. I think it would be for the best.Copy !req
104. Gee, Kramer, I...Copy !req
105. I don't know what to say.Copy !req
106. Say yes.Copy !req
107. Yes, George, yes.Copy !req
108. - Yes?
- Yes.Copy !req
109. Should I give you my keys?
Is that the transaction, trading keys?Copy !req
110. - Because Elaine has my keys.
- You can get them back.Copy !req
111. I suppose I could.Copy !req
112. Because you see, George,
having the keys to Jerry's apartment...Copy !req
113. that kept me in a fantasy world.Copy !req
114. Every time I went over to his house,
it was like I was on vacation.Copy !req
115. Better food, better view, better TV.Copy !req
116. Cleaner. Oh, much cleaner.Copy !req
117. That became my reality.Copy !req
118. I ignored the squalor
in my own life...Copy !req
119. because I'm looking at life, you see,
through Jerry's eyes.Copy !req
120. I was living in twilight, George.Copy !req
121. Living in the shadows,
living in the darkness...Copy !req
122. like you.Copy !req
123. - Me?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
124. I can barely see you, George.Copy !req
125. All right, stop it, Kramer.
You're freaking me out.Copy !req
126. Hi. Are you ready to order?Copy !req
127. - Yeah. What's the—?
- No, not yet.Copy !req
128. Excuse me.Copy !req
129. Do you ever yearn?Copy !req
130. Yearn? Do I yearn?Copy !req
131. - I yearn.
- You yearn?Copy !req
132. Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn.Copy !req
133. Often I sit and yearn.Copy !req
134. Have you yearned?Copy !req
135. Well, not recently.Copy !req
136. I craved.Copy !req
137. I crave all the time.
Constant craving.Copy !req
138. But I haven't yearned.Copy !req
139. - Look at you.
- Oh, Kramer, don't start.Copy !req
140. No, no. You're wasting your life.Copy !req
141. I am not.
What you call wasting, I call living.Copy !req
142. - I'm living my life.
- Okay, like what? No, tell me.Copy !req
143. - Do you have a job?
- No.Copy !req
144. - You got money?
- No.Copy !req
145. Do you have a woman?Copy !req
146. No.Copy !req
147. Do you have any prospects?Copy !req
148. No.Copy !req
149. You got anything on the horizon?Copy !req
150. No.Copy !req
151. - You have any action at all?
- No.Copy !req
152. Do you have any conceivable reason
for even getting up in the morning?Copy !req
153. I like to get the Daily News.Copy !req
154. George, it's time for us
to grow up and be men...Copy !req
155. - ... not little boys.
- Why?Copy !req
156. I'm going to California.
You know, I got the bug.Copy !req
157. Yeah, I think I got
a touch of something too.Copy !req
158. No, the acting bug. Ever since
I was in that Woody Allen movie.Copy !req
159. "These pretzels
are making me thirsty"?Copy !req
160. That was one line. You got fired.Copy !req
161. I know, I know.
But, man, I never felt so alive.Copy !req
162. - Now, you coming with me?
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
163. All right. Suit yourself.Copy !req
164. But let's keep this between us.Copy !req
165. We're key brothers now.Copy !req
166. You're not really gonna go
to California, are you?Copy !req
167. Up here, I'm already gone.Copy !req
168. He gave me his spare keys...Copy !req
169. and now he wants my keys,
so I need mine back from you.Copy !req
170. Because you have his keys?
Why does he need yours?Copy !req
171. I don't know, he said
he wants to be my key brother.Copy !req
172. - That's ridiculous.
- That's Kramer.Copy !req
173. I'll give you back your spare keys,
but now I want mine back.Copy !req
174. What for?Copy !req
175. - Because I'll give them to Jerry.
- Jerry? Why?Copy !req
176. - Because he gave me his.
- So what?Copy !req
177. So if he has my keys,
I should have his.Copy !req
178. I don't see why if you have his...Copy !req
179. - ... he should have yours.
- I just said the same thing.Copy !req
180. - What?
- What?Copy !req
181. I'll give you my keys,
but I don't have them here.Copy !req
182. Can I have mine to give to Kramer?Copy !req
183. Yeah, okay, I'll go get them.Copy !req
184. What are you doing?
Would you just put that down?Copy !req
185. I gotta get some new friends.Copy !req
186. - Did you bring the keys?
- Yes.Copy !req
187. But I still don't feel right
about letting you into Kramer's.Copy !req
188. This could be an emergency.Copy !req
189. - You shouldn't have taken his keys.
- I tried to give them back.Copy !req
190. - How'd the Mets do?
- They lost.Copy !req
191. - Kramer!
- Come on, open it up.Copy !req
192. - Kramer?
- Hello, boys.Copy !req
193. - Hello, Newman.
- Are you looking for someone?Copy !req
194. Don't play coy with me,
I'm not in the mood.Copy !req
195. Coy? I'm not being coy.Copy !req
196. - Is he being coy?
- Yeah, coy.Copy !req
197. You're being coy.
Now, where's Kramer, Newman?Copy !req
198. - Who?
- Listen, Tiny...Copy !req
199. I wanna know where Kramer is,
and I wanna know now!Copy !req
200. - Hit me, Seinfeld, I got witnesses.
- Turn around, George.Copy !req
201. - Sure.
- George?Copy !req
202. Tell me where Kramer is
or we'll do this the hard way!Copy !req
203. - Help! Help!
- Where's Kramer?Copy !req
204. - Help!
- What's going on?Copy !req
205. - They're gonna beat me up.
- No, we're not.Copy !req
206. We're trying to find Kramer.Copy !req
207. You want to know what happened
to Kramer? I'll tell you.Copy !req
208. He was ticked off about the keys.Copy !req
209. Yeah, that's right, about the keys.Copy !req
210. - Thought he got a bad rap.
- Bad rap?Copy !req
211. - Yeah, from you.
- Me?Copy !req
212. You heard me. So he packed a grip
and he split for the coast.Copy !req
213. La-la land. L.A.Copy !req
214. L.A.?Copy !req
215. I never should have taken
his keys away.Copy !req
216. He drove me to it, I had no choice.Copy !req
217. He wouldn't take them back.Copy !req
218. Elaine, you saw it. Remember?Copy !req
219. I said, "Take the keys back."
He wouldn't do anything.Copy !req
220. You saw it. Didn't you see it?Copy !req
221. Yeah, yeah, I saw it.Copy !req
222. I mean, it was complete bull—
But I saw.Copy !req
223. - What?
- No, what'd you say?Copy !req
224. Nothing. I didn't say anything.Copy !req
225. Oh, you didn't see it?Copy !req
226. Yeah, I saw it. I saw it.Copy !req
227. - I saw it. Yep.
- I heard you say something there.Copy !req
228. - I didn't say anything.
- I'm calling Kramer's mother.Copy !req
229. I don't know what you said,
but it was something.Copy !req
230. I heard something.Copy !req
231. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer?Copy !req
232. Mrs. Kramer?Copy !req
233. Could you turn the music down?Copy !req
234. Could you turn the music down?Copy !req
235. - Ask her about Kramer.
- She's drunk out of her mind.Copy !req
236. Oh, my keys.Copy !req
237. This is perfect.Copy !req
238. Elaine, are you there?Copy !req
239. It's me. I'm locked out.
I need my spare keys. Where are you?Copy !req
240. I'm at the coffee shop.Copy !req
241. Hey! You ever been in an accident?Copy !req
242. About five years ago.Copy !req
243. I was going down this very road.Copy !req
244. Same time of day, going about
the same speed I'm going now.Copy !req
245. There was a rock in the road.Copy !req
246. It couldn't have been
more than a pebble.Copy !req
247. Never really saw it.Copy !req
248. Lost control of the bike,
went flying about a hundred feet.Copy !req
249. Came down right on my head.Copy !req
250. Cracked it wide open.Copy !req
251. Blood and stuff just splattered
all over the road there.Copy !req
252. Broke every bone in my face.Copy !req
253. You know, when they found me...Copy !req
254. my eyes were hanging out
of their sockets.Copy !req
255. Yeah, they pronounced me dead
at the scene.Copy !req
256. Was in a coma for...
Well, they told me about a year.Copy !req
257. Said I'd be a vegetable for life.Copy !req
258. Yeah, but I showed them.Copy !req
259. Of course, since then,
I always wear a helmet.Copy !req
260. Lean.Copy !req
261. Lean!Copy !req
262. Georgie boy.Copy !req
263. Way to come through with the keys.Copy !req
264. - Sit down, I'm buying you dinner.
- Look...Copy !req
265. I just don't feel right about
letting you into Elaine's apartment.Copy !req
266. Don't feel right?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
267. I let you into Kramer's.
Now you wanna go into Elaine's.Copy !req
268. She entrusted me with her keys.
How can I just let you in?Copy !req
269. What is the big deal?Copy !req
270. Just because you have
someone's spare keys...Copy !req
271. doesn't entitle you to break in.Copy !req
272. That's the reason you took
Kramer's keys.Copy !req
273. You're not even supposed
to have Elaine's keys.Copy !req
274. You're supposed to give them to her
so she can give them to me.Copy !req
275. So technically, those are my keys.Copy !req
276. If you'd never taken your keys
from Kramer...Copy !req
277. he never would have given
his to me.Copy !req
278. In which case, I wouldn't have
had to take mine back from her.Copy !req
279. - I want those keys.
- No can do.Copy !req
280. - George, I want these.
- Stop it, let go.Copy !req
281. - George, I don't want to get physical.
- You wanna fight?Copy !req
282. - Wanna fight?
- I'll fight you!Copy !req
283. - Let's go.
- Nothing in the face!Copy !req
284. - Okay.
- All right.Copy !req
285. And then the evil ogre
took back the magical keys...Copy !req
286. from the handsome young prince.Copy !req
287. Oh, no. He didn't
take back the keys.Copy !req
288. - No way.
- Yes.Copy !req
289. And then the handsome
young prince...Copy !req
290. was cast out
into the cruel, cruel world.Copy !req
291. Oh, man, what a bummer.Copy !req
292. - That ogre dude is pretty cold, huh?
- He's cold.Copy !req
293. Let me tell you something, Kramer.Copy !req
294. If that ogre dude pulled
that crap on me...Copy !req
295. - ... I'd stab him!
- Wait.Copy !req
296. I'd cut him in half!Copy !req
297. I'd gut him like a fish, man!Copy !req
298. - That's what I'd do.
- Yeah, yeah. That'd be funny.Copy !req
299. Hey, you can drop me here.Copy !req
300. Hey, what's the rush, man?Copy !req
301. - Well, I got to be going now.
- Hey, Kramer...Copy !req
302. have you ever killed a man?Copy !req
303. What do you think?Copy !req
304. You think these hands have been
soaking in Ivory Liquid, huh?Copy !req
305. Oh, don't leave, Kramer.
Stay with us.Copy !req
306. Oh, you know so much
about the world. We need you.Copy !req
307. - Please, Kramer.
- Please, Kramer.Copy !req
308. Well, now, Star Cloud—Copy !req
309. - Okay, wait a minute.
- Please, Kramer.Copy !req
310. - No, no, no.
- Please, Kramer.Copy !req
311. See? You're avoiding
the middleman.Copy !req
312. You'd give her her keys,
which she would give to me.Copy !req
313. So instead of giving them to her,
you give them to me.Copy !req
314. Unfortunately, when she gave
you yours, you didn't give her hers.Copy !req
315. She'd give them to me
because she has mine.Copy !req
316. Then I wouldn't have to ask you
for hers...Copy !req
317. so that I could get mine.Copy !req
318. You're right. How did I miss that?Copy !req
319. Maybe because it's a crock of sh—Copy !req
320. - What's that?
- Nothing.Copy !req
321. - I heard something.
- Didn't say anything.Copy !req
322. So how long you been driving
this thing?Copy !req
323. Going on four years.Copy !req
324. Well, nothing's sexier than a woman
behind the wheel of a semi.Copy !req
325. Nothing?Copy !req
326. Well...Copy !req
327. Listen to you.
You're quite the sweet talker.Copy !req
328. I always wanted to drive
the big rigs.Copy !req
329. I used to watch those commercials
during reruns of Gomer Pyle.Copy !req
330. - You wanna give it a try?
- Really?Copy !req
331. - Do you know how to double-clutch?
- Yeah.Copy !req
332. - Well, come on.
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
333. Wait.Copy !req
334. Okay. All right.Copy !req
335. They were in here.
I saw her put them in here.Copy !req
336. Well, this is great.Copy !req
337. - What do they look like?
- Like keys.Copy !req
338. They look like keys, George.Copy !req
339. They look exactly like keys.Copy !req
340. "What do they look like?"Copy !req
341. - They're obviously not here.
- They've got to be here.Copy !req
342. Jerry, unless I pull down on this
statuette and a hidden wall opens up...Copy !req
343. we have checked every square inch
of this apartment.Copy !req
344. What is this?Copy !req
345. - "Murphy Brown"?
- What?Copy !req
346. - "By Elaine Benes"?
- What?Copy !req
347. Elaine's writing a Murphy Brown?Copy !req
348. - Let me see this.
- Wait a second.Copy !req
349. - Let me just look at it.
- Wait.Copy !req
350. - Give me half!
- All right, here!Copy !req
351. Why didn't she tell us?Copy !req
352. Elaine is writing a sitcom?Copy !req
353. - You— You weasels!
- What?Copy !req
354. - What?
- How dare you!Copy !req
355. - We hardly read anything.
- It was funny.Copy !req
356. Who gave you permission
to come in...Copy !req
357. and just go through my things?Copy !req
358. - You thought it was funny?
- Well, you know...Copy !req
359. - ... from what I saw—
- Well, it's just a first draft!Copy !req
360. I was locked out.
I'm just trying to get my keys.Copy !req
361. - Why did you let him in?
- He forced me to.Copy !req
362. - I did not!
- Yes, you did!Copy !req
363. - You, get out! Get out!
- Wait, I need my spare keys.Copy !req
364. Oh, here's your damn keys.
You keep them.Copy !req
365. - I don't want them anymore.
- Good.Copy !req
366. I want my keys back from you.Copy !req
367. - I can't hold them?
- No, you can't be trusted.Copy !req
368. All right, all right. Fine!Copy !req
369. - And I don't want you to hold mine.
- Good, I won't!Copy !req
370. Good, don't.Copy !req
371. - Are these my keys?
- These aren't my keys.Copy !req
372. - Whose are these?
- I don't know.Copy !req
373. No, those are yours...Copy !req
374. I just thought I could write it.Copy !req
375. Is that something you wanna do?Copy !req
376. I don't know.Copy !req
377. Those writers make a lot of money.Copy !req
378. What?Copy !req
379. Let me tell you something
about show business.Copy !req
380. - I can't believe it.
- It's hard work.Copy !req
381. You don't just write
a Murphy Brown.Copy !req
382. You gotta watch the show,
get a sense of the characters...Copy !req
383. how they relate to each other.Copy !req
384. Okay, can I just watch the show?Copy !req
385. Oh, God, what an ass—Copy !req
386. What did you say?Copy !req
387. I didn't say anything.Copy !req
388. I heard something.Copy !req
389. Elaine, Elaine, it's Kramer!Copy !req
390. Kramer's on Murphy Brown!Copy !req
391. - Kramer's on Murphy Brown!
- Look, there he is!Copy !req
392. He's sitting at the desk!Copy !req
393. Hi, I'm Murphy Brown.Copy !req
394. - You must be my new secretary.
- Good morning, Miss Brown.Copy !req
395. - And you are?
- I'm Steven Snell.Copy !req
396. - Snell.
- Yes.Copy !req
397. Well, hello, Mr. Snell.Copy !req
398. Steven.Copy !req
399. - Steven.
- Yes.Copy !req
400. Are you familiar with this
computer system?Copy !req
401. Oh, I'm familiar, yes.Copy !req
402. Steven Snell, I know people...Copy !req
403. and I have a very good feeling
about you.Copy !req
404. Yes.Copy !req
405. So I fly a lot. I was on a plane
the other day and I was wondering...Copy !req
406. are there keys to the plane?
Do they need keys to start the plane?Copy !req
407. Maybe that's what those delays on the
ground are sometimes, at the gate.Copy !req
408. Maybe the pilot's up in
the cockpit going:Copy !req
409. "Oh, I don't believe this.Copy !req
410. Oh, my God...Copy !req
411. I did it again."Copy !req
412. They tell you it's mechanical.Copy !req
413. They don't want to come on
the PA system:Copy !req
414. "Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
415. we're gonna be delayed here
a little while. I...Copy !req
416. Oh, God, this is so embarrassing.Copy !req
417. I left the keys to the plane
in my apartment."Copy !req
418. You see technicians,
you think they're servicing it...Copy !req
419. but they're looking for the magnet
Hide-A-Key under the wing.Copy !req
420. "Maybe he left it up there
somewhere."Copy !req