1. Do you think...Copy !req
2. that the security guards
in art museums...Copy !req
3. really ever stop anybody
from taking the paintings?Copy !req
4. I mean, are they going, "Hey, where
do you think you're going with that?Copy !req
5. Come over here.
Give me that Cézanne."Copy !req
6. I mean, look at the job
that this man is hired to do.Copy !req
7. He's getting $5 an hour to protect...Copy !req
8. millions of dollars
of priceless art, with what?Copy !req
9. He's got a light mocha
brown uniform...Copy !req
10. and a USA Today.
This is what he's got.Copy !req
11. Crooks must look at this guy and go,
"We get past the folding chair...Copy !req
12. and the thermos of coffee,
we can get a Rembrandt."Copy !req
13. Kramer, would you hold still?
I can't do this if you keep moving.Copy !req
14. You sure you don't want me
to take my clothes off?Copy !req
15. Because I'll do it.Copy !req
16. No, that's the last thing
in the world I want you to do.Copy !req
17. Well, why don't you take
your clothes off?Copy !req
18. I don't know, I don't think
Jerry would like that.Copy !req
19. Well, it'll be our little secret.Copy !req
20. God!Copy !req
21. Button fly!Copy !req
22. Why do they put buttons on a fly?Copy !req
23. It takes 10 minutes
to get these things open.Copy !req
24. I like the button fly.Copy !req
25. - What?
- That is one place on my wardrobe...Copy !req
26. I do not need sharp,
interlocking metal teeth.Copy !req
27. It's like a mink trap down there.Copy !req
28. I'm gonna develop kidney problems.Copy !req
29. - What are you doing today?
- Nothing.Copy !req
30. I have to go meet Nina. Want to come
up to her loft, check out her paintings?Copy !req
31. - I don't get art.
- There's nothing to get.Copy !req
32. It always has to be explained to me...Copy !req
33. and then I have to have someone
explain the explanation.Copy !req
34. She does abstract stuff. In fact,
she's painting Kramer right now.Copy !req
35. - What for?
- She sees something in him.Copy !req
36. So do I, but I wouldn't
hang it on a wall.Copy !req
37. Are you getting the eyes?Copy !req
38. Because they're brown.Copy !req
39. Really, they're dark brown,
like rich Colombian coffee.Copy !req
40. Tell me about Elaine.Copy !req
41. You know, she and Jerry
were a big thing...Copy !req
42. like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.Copy !req
43. - But they're still friends.
- Yeah, yeah. They're like this:Copy !req
44. - Don't you think that's strange?
- Why? What's the difference?Copy !req
45. Are you still friends with any
of your ex-girlfriends?Copy !req
46. Well, you know, I...Copy !req
47. I have many relationships.Copy !req
48. - I tell you, I'm a little nervous.
- Why?Copy !req
49. You know, the friend meeting
the new woman.Copy !req
50. I feel like I'm getting fixed up
for a friendship.Copy !req
51. I don't know how long
this is gonna last.Copy !req
52. Really?
I thought you liked her.Copy !req
53. I do, but she's got,
like, a jealousy thing.Copy !req
54. She doesn't like me having
fun with anyone but her.Copy !req
55. You know, it's a miracle
you're not married.Copy !req
56. Hey, I'm not obligated
to buy anything, am I?Copy !req
57. - Hi, Nina.
- Hi.Copy !req
58. - This is my friend George.
- Hello.Copy !req
59. Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.Copy !req
60. Hey, look at this guy!Copy !req
61. I brought George up to see
some of your paintings.Copy !req
62. Oh, are you interested?Copy !req
63. Yeah, sure.
Sure, I'm interested.Copy !req
64. George, you gonna buy a painting?Copy !req
65. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
66. - Are you an art lover?
- I am an art adorer. I adore art.Copy !req
67. Great. Take a look around.
Pick something out you like.Copy !req
68. May I?Copy !req
69. Get out of here.Copy !req
70. Here. Play with this.Copy !req
71. - What's this?
- My father gave me four tickets...Copy !req
72. to the Yankee game
for Saturday afternoon.Copy !req
73. Owner's box, first row,
behind the dugout.Copy !req
74. Saturday! I'm working.
I'm going out of town.Copy !req
75. Well, I won't go without you.
You guys want them?Copy !req
76. Yeah.Copy !req
77. They're right behind the dugout,
George. First row.Copy !req
78. Behind the dugout? Are you kid—?
How did you get them?Copy !req
79. My father's the Yankees' accountant.
It's the owner's box.Copy !req
80. All my life I've dreamed of sitting
front row, behind the dugout.Copy !req
81. You like that one?Copy !req
82. Look at where we are!Copy !req
83. He's not stopping. He keeps
going and going and going.Copy !req
84. We're not in the first row?Copy !req
85. - No, no. These are your seats.
- She said first row behind the dugout.Copy !req
86. It's the second row. It's just as good.Copy !req
87. I was primed for the first row. I was
gonna put my feet on the dugout.Copy !req
88. Shut up. These are great.
You can't get any better than this.Copy !req
89. There's better. Right there.
That's better.Copy !req
90. All right.Copy !req
91. Oh, boy.Copy !req
92. - All right. Who wants a dog?
- Yeah. Here you go.Copy !req
93. What a great day.Copy !req
94. I could've been at my boss'
son's bris right now.Copy !req
95. That what you were
supposed to do?Copy !req
96. Yeah.Copy !req
97. What makes him think anyone wants
to witness a circumcision?Copy !req
98. I'd rather go to a hanging.Copy !req
99. Is it that unattractive
to have to take it off?Copy !req
100. Have you ever seen one with it?Copy !req
101. No.Copy !req
102. You wouldn't even
know what it was.Copy !req
103. Anyway, I called him back.Copy !req
104. I told him I had to visit my father
in the hospital in Maryland.Copy !req
105. You better catch it here, Charlie,
because this ain't Philadelphia!Copy !req
106. - George?
- Yeah?Copy !req
107. Hi. I'm Leonard West.Copy !req
108. - Nina's father.
- Hi, hi, Mr. West. I'm sorry.Copy !req
109. - This is my friend Elaine.
- Hi.Copy !req
110. Hey,230 ain't gonna
cut it in this town, babe!Copy !req
111. This is Kramer.Copy !req
112. Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
113. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
114. - How are the seats?
- Okay.Copy !req
115. - Great. They're great.
- I hear you bought...Copy !req
116. - ... one of Nina's paintings.
- It's being framed now.Copy !req
117. I don't even know what it costs.Copy !req
118. Not too expensive, is it?Copy !req
119. Not if you have a lot of money.Copy !req
120. It was cheaper for me
when she was an actress.Copy !req
121. Well...Copy !req
122. - Enjoy the game.
- Thanks.Copy !req
123. I think you better take
off the Orioles cap.Copy !req
124. Yeah. I better.Copy !req
125. No, no. Seriously.
You're in the owner's box.Copy !req
126. I don't think it's a good idea.Copy !req
127. - You're not serious.
- Yes, yes, yes, I am.Copy !req
128. - Did he say that?
- No, but he gave me the seats.Copy !req
129. I don't think he'd like you
wearing an Orioles cap.Copy !req
130. - Maybe you should ask him.
- I don't have to.Copy !req
131. Are you gonna take
the hat off or not?Copy !req
132. No. I'm not gonna
take it off.Copy !req
133. Why should I?
That's ridiculous.Copy !req
134. Just take the cap off.Copy !req
135. George, I am at a baseball game.Copy !req
136. - This is America.
- Look!Copy !req
137. Either you take the cap off
or you leave.Copy !req
138. I'm not taking it off.Copy !req
139. - Elaine, just take the cap off.
- No! Get off of my hat!Copy !req
140. - What's—?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
141. - Stop it!
- Just take it off!Copy !req
142. - There's your cap!
- Let's go.Copy !req
143. Oh, my God. All right,
get your hands off of me!Copy !req
144. - I'm leaving.
- Wait a minute. We just got here.Copy !req
145. Do you want us to go with you?Copy !req
146. - No, you stay.
- Get your cap, George.Copy !req
147. - Well, I was just thinking—
- Yeah. Stay!Copy !req
148. All right, all right, we'll go, we'll go.Copy !req
149. And then the ball hits him in the head,
and he falls right over the railing.Copy !req
150. - Is he okay?
- Well, yeah, he's fine.Copy !req
151. We took him to the emergency room.
The x-rays were all negative.Copy !req
152. It was quite a day.Copy !req
153. This is the most amazing story
I've ever heard.Copy !req
154. Why did he want you to take
off the baseball cap?Copy !req
155. - That is so insane.
- I know.Copy !req
156. Can you imagine that?Copy !req
157. - How you feeling?
- Oh, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.Copy !req
158. Hi, Carol.Copy !req
159. Hey, look. We made the paper.Copy !req
160. Look at this. Page two, sports section.
We're all in the picture.Copy !req
161. - Picture?
- Picture.Copy !req
162. - Our picture's in there? What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
163. I cannot believe this.Copy !req
164. - There's George.
- Look at him.Copy !req
165. Oh, my God!
Lippman could see this!Copy !req
166. He thinks I was visiting my father.
Oh, my God!Copy !req
167. I make up one little white lie,
and they put my picture in the paper!Copy !req
168. Hi, Mr. Lippman.Copy !req
169. How's your father?Copy !req
170. My— My father.Copy !req
171. Yeah. You went to see him, right?Copy !req
172. Yeah.Copy !req
173. - I went to visit him.
- So...Copy !req
174. - ... what was wrong with him?
- Well, you name it. You know...Copy !req
175. Neuritis, neuralgia.Copy !req
176. But he's feeling better now, right?Copy !req
177. Yes. Yeah. It's such a miracle.Copy !req
178. You know, my visit must have
buoyed his spirits.Copy !req
179. Buoyed.Copy !req
180. - What did I say?
- You said "boy'd."Copy !req
181. - I did?
- Yeah.Copy !req
182. Well, I got a plane to catch.Copy !req
183. - Where are you going?
- Going to Houston for a few days.Copy !req
184. Publishers' convention.Copy !req
185. Can I have my sports section?Copy !req
186. - Oh, yeah.
- Sports section.Copy !req
187. I'm saving it for the plane. I never
miss the Sunday sports section.Copy !req
188. There's nothing to read.
It's yesterday's news.Copy !req
189. The Yankees won, the Mets lost,
Rickey Henderson's unhappy.Copy !req
190. Right. Right.Copy !req
191. What are you doing?Copy !req
192. That is the third time today
I have done that.Copy !req
193. I keep, you know, grabbing
newspapers and just tugging at them.Copy !req
194. Well, I gotta go.Copy !req
195. Okay. Yes, well, you know,
have a nice trip.Copy !req
196. Alrighty. I'll just
hold down the fort.Copy !req
197. I sense great vulnerability...Copy !req
198. a man-child crying out for love...Copy !req
199. an innocent orphan
in the postmodern world.Copy !req
200. I see a parasite.Copy !req
201. A sexually depraved miscreant...Copy !req
202. who is seeking only to gratify his
basest and most immediate urges.Copy !req
203. She was a guest of my father's.Copy !req
204. - She should've taken the cap off.
- It's preposterous...Copy !req
205. to ask someone to take off a
baseball cap at a baseball game.Copy !req
206. How can you defend that?Copy !req
207. His struggle is man's struggle.Copy !req
208. He lifts my spirit.Copy !req
209. He is a loathsome, offensive brute.Copy !req
210. Yet I can't look away.Copy !req
211. Look, I'm tired of all this fighting.Copy !req
212. Maybe we should end this before
we really start hating each other.Copy !req
213. You wouldn't want that, because you
always have to remain friends.Copy !req
214. I like to remain friends
with people I was friends with.Copy !req
215. Hey, why don't you just go then?Copy !req
216. And give this to George.
Tell him he owes me $500.Copy !req
217. He transcends time and space.Copy !req
218. He sickens me.Copy !req
219. I love it.Copy !req
220. Me too.Copy !req
221. Five hundred dollars?Copy !req
222. - What?
- That's what she told me.Copy !req
223. I'm not paying $500 for this!Copy !req
224. It's a piece of junk!Copy !req
225. - That's what it costs.
- Why did you take it?Copy !req
226. - You broke up with her.
- I wasn't thinking. I don't know.Copy !req
227. You weren't thinking.Copy !req
228. I mean, she framed it
and everything.Copy !req
229. I'm not buying this.
No way. Forget it.Copy !req
230. No way I'm buying this.Copy !req
231. I mean, look at it! What is it?Copy !req
232. It's a bunch of squiggly lines.Copy !req
233. Are you telling me you
couldn't paint this?Copy !req
234. You want me to paint you something?
I'd love to paint you something.Copy !req
235. I'm not paying for this.Copy !req
236. If you were going out with her,
it'd be a different story.Copy !req
237. This was in front of your door.Copy !req
238. - Hey, Kramer.
- Hi, Mike.Copy !req
239. Wow, a letter from Nina!Copy !req
240. Man, that is the ugliest thing
I've ever seen.Copy !req
241. - Oh, my God.
- What?Copy !req
242. This is amazing.
You can't believe this.Copy !req
243. Listen to this. "I don't know what
you expect to find, Jerry.Copy !req
244. You know what you want better than
me, but there's one thing I do know.Copy !req
245. I can stand here watching
you try to destroy...Copy !req
246. everything I've ever
wanted in my life...Copy !req
247. wanting to smash your face with my
fists because you won't even make...Copy !req
248. the slightest effort to opt for
happiness and still know I love you.Copy !req
249. You mean so much to me,
I'm willing to take your abuse...Copy !req
250. insults and insensitivity."Copy !req
251. - Wow.
- She's deep.Copy !req
252. "Because that's what you need to
do to prove I'm not gonna leave you.Copy !req
253. I'm sick and tired of running from
places and people and relationships.Copy !req
254. You want me,
then fight for me, beca—Copy !req
255. Because I'm sure as hell
fighting for you.Copy !req
256. I think we're both worth it."Copy !req
257. You know, Jerry,
she sounds like a poet.Copy !req
258. Boy, no one's ever written me
a letter like this.Copy !req
259. Maybe I was wrong about her.Copy !req
260. Get in there and give her a call.
Pick up the phone and call her.Copy !req
261. - Should I?
- Yes, you're damn right you should!Copy !req
262. Fight for her, Jerry!
She's sure the hell fighting for you!Copy !req
263. All right!Copy !req
264. I'll call her.Copy !req
265. Don't go in there.
You're gonna get shot.Copy !req
266. I told you.Copy !req
267. - Yeah.
- It's George.Copy !req
268. Come on up.Copy !req
269. Well, now we gotta get
a posse together.Copy !req
270. I love a good posse.Copy !req
271. What's the appeal of the posse?Copy !req
272. The appeal of the posse?Copy !req
273. Posse has tremendous appeal.Copy !req
274. Get away from the job, you camp out,
you're with friends.Copy !req
275. Come on, it's a week-long game of
hide and go seek on horseback.Copy !req
276. Hello, George.Copy !req
277. Hey. Hey, Nina.Copy !req
278. I owe you some money, don't I?Copy !req
279. - Well, I really love that piece.
- Me too. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.Copy !req
280. You know, in fact, I've been
thinking about it, and...Copy !req
281. you know, I feel like
I'm stealing from you.Copy !req
282. Five hundred dollars! This is
gonna be worth thousands soon.Copy !req
283. You know what? On second thought,
I can't even accept this.Copy !req
284. No, no, no. George, a deal's a deal.
I want you to have it.Copy !req
285. This could be in a museum someday.
It's not safe with me.Copy !req
286. It should really be
in a doorman building.Copy !req
287. Honestly, George,
the money's not important.Copy !req
288. Who said anything about money?Copy !req
289. - Yeah.
- It's Elaine.Copy !req
290. Come on up.Copy !req
291. - Elaine?
- Yeah.Copy !req
292. She does not believe in telephones,
does she?Copy !req
293. She likes the pop-in.
I've told her how I hate the pop-in.Copy !req
294. He likes the pop-in too.Copy !req
295. Just popped in now.
I'm a big pop-in guy.Copy !req
296. - He is.
- What about Kramer?Copy !req
297. Huge pop-in guy.Copy !req
298. Well, I was leaving anyway.
So we're on for tomorrow?Copy !req
299. - Yeah.
- Okay. Bye.Copy !req
300. Hello.Copy !req
301. Chatty gal.Copy !req
302. Lippman's coming back tomorrow.
I'll be fired.Copy !req
303. If he noticed it,
he would have called you.Copy !req
304. No. He wants to torture me.Copy !req
305. Will you give me the clicker?Copy !req
306. I hate it when you have the clicker.
You're too fast.Copy !req
307. Get out!
I'm a great clicker.Copy !req
308. I have great instincts.Copy !req
309. How dare you impugn my clicking.Copy !req
310. You're all over the dial.
You don't know what you want.Copy !req
311. You never stay on anything longer
than five seconds. Just give me that.Copy !req
312. - Let go.
- Come on. I want it, Jerry!Copy !req
313. - Let go, Elaine!
- Then let George do it!Copy !req
314. - George can't click!
- Give it to me!Copy !req
315. Give it! Give it! Give it!Copy !req
316. Pinheads.Copy !req
317. Maybe I can't...Copy !req
318. analyse and theorize and...Copy !req
319. speculate on why we—Copy !req
320. Wait a second. Go back to that.
Go back to that.Copy !req
321. Hey, you read all those books,
not me.Copy !req
322. It's Chapter Two.
It's Neil Simon.Copy !req
323. But one thing I do know.Copy !req
324. I know how I feel.Copy !req
325. Wait a second.
Wait a second!Copy !req
326. - What?
- My God. The letter. That's the letter!Copy !req
327. - What letter?
- This is the letter she wrote to me.Copy !req
328. She stole it from the movie!Copy !req
329. Because you don't even make...Copy !req
330. "The slightest effort
to opt for happiness...Copy !req
331. and still know that I love you!"Copy !req
332. This is incredible.Copy !req
333. I always thought there was something
funny about this letter.Copy !req
334. She's copied it right out of
Chapter Two.Copy !req
335. She's a thief! A bunco artist.Copy !req
336. Maybe I won't send her that check.Copy !req
337. You know, it's not really that terrible.Copy !req
338. What are you talking about? She
completely misrepresented herself.Copy !req
339. I don't opt for happiness.
I opt for happiness.Copy !req
340. James Caan doesn't
opt for happiness.Copy !req
341. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
342. She wouldn't take the cap off?Copy !req
343. No. But didn't she know they
were the owner's seats?Copy !req
344. Oh, that's unbelievable.Copy !req
345. Yeah, okay. All right, Lenny.Copy !req
346. Thanks again.Copy !req
347. Take care.Copy !req
348. That's Lenny West, my accountant,
who's a hell of a guy.Copy !req
349. He handles the Yankees too.
It's his biggest account.Copy !req
350. So every once in a while,
they throw him a couple of seats...Copy !req
351. and last weekend,
he gave them to his daughter.Copy !req
352. She's an artist, by the way.
Anyway...Copy !req
353. her daughter gives them
to some friends, you know?Copy !req
354. One of her friends shows up...Copy !req
355. wearing a Baltimore cap.Copy !req
356. You're from Baltimore, right?Copy !req
357. It's Towson.
That's near Baltimore.Copy !req
358. But you're an Oriole fan, right?Copy !req
359. Well, fan...
You know, my father—Copy !req
360. Anyway, she refused
to take the cap off.Copy !req
361. She caused a whole big scene.Copy !req
362. Really? That's so impudent.Copy !req
363. Yeah. So Lenny gave me
the tickets for tomorrow night.Copy !req
364. I'm inviting Frank and Marsha.
Want you to come.Copy !req
365. I've got plans, though, Mr. Lippman.Copy !req
366. Well, break them.Copy !req
367. You missed the bris.
I want you at the game.Copy !req
368. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
369. - Good.
- Okay, Mr. Lippman.Copy !req
370. And, Elaine, you know the Baltimore
cap you got in your office...Copy !req
371. wear it. I'm gonna have
a little fun with him.Copy !req
372. That will be fun.Copy !req
373. How's it coming?Copy !req
374. Good. Good.Copy !req
375. Seen any good movies lately?Copy !req
376. No. Not really.Copy !req
377. - You?
- No.Copy !req
378. I like a good comedy.Copy !req
379. You know, like a Neil Simon.Copy !req
380. - You like Neil Simon?
- Neil Simon?Copy !req
381. Some of his stuff.Copy !req
382. I've seen most of it.Copy !req
383. I guess my favourite
would have to be...Copy !req
384. Chapter Two.Copy !req
385. Have you ever seen that?Copy !req
386. I don't know. Maybe.Copy !req
387. I have.Copy !req
388. Funny. Funny.Copy !req
389. In fact, it was on TV
just the other night.Copy !req
390. Happened to catch it.Copy !req
391. I couldn't help but notice...Copy !req
392. a stunning similarity...Copy !req
393. Well, we've made our decision.Copy !req
394. We want the Kramer.Copy !req
395. Five thousand? Why would anybody
buy Kramer for $5000?Copy !req
396. Boy, the Yankees cannot
buy a hit tonight.Copy !req
397. So is it all over between you
and Marsha Mason?Copy !req
398. Yeah.Copy !req
399. And by the way, can you get
this thing out of my house?Copy !req
400. I'll make a deal with you.Copy !req
401. - I'll sell it to you for 10 bucks.
- Please.Copy !req
402. Seems to be a lot of trouble in the
area just behind the Yankee dugout.Copy !req
403. Behind the dugout? That's where
we were sitting the other night.Copy !req
404. We're not gonna show it, don't want
to encourage that kind of behaviour.Copy !req
405. It's a young lady, and she's really
going at it with the security guard.Copy !req
406. She's a feisty one. They're getting the
other security guard to come down.Copy !req
407. How do you like that, Seaver?Copy !req
408. And, boy, she's something,
and a Baltimore fan at that.Copy !req
409. Holy cow!Copy !req
410. When I was 17, I ran away from home
and hopped a steamship to Sweden.Copy !req
411. - This steak is excellent, by the way.
- More potatoes?Copy !req
412. Yeah, yeah, sure. Please.Copy !req
413. Yes, yes, go on. You hopped
a steamship to Sweden?Copy !req
414. It was a big one.Copy !req
415. Baseball season's starting.
I'm very excited about that.Copy !req
416. Did you ever sneak down
to better seats at the game...Copy !req
417. and get caught by the usher?Copy !req
418. When you're a kid, you're getting
chased from every place anyway.Copy !req
419. When you're an adult,
it's really embarrassing.Copy !req
420. You have to pretend like there's
some confusion.Copy !req
421. You put on this whole act.
You're looking at the tickets.Copy !req
422. "I don't understand how this
could have happened.Copy !req
423. Let me see. I see the problem.Copy !req
424. These are very good seats.
I have very bad seats.Copy !req
425. That's the misunderstanding."Copy !req