Seinfeld 3x20

1. I would say the concept behind the car phone

2. and the phone machine,

3. the speaker phone, the airline phone, the portable phone,

4. the pay phone, the cordless phone,

5. the multiline phone, the phone pager, call waiting,

6. call forwarding, call conferencing,

7. speed dialing, direct dialing,

8. and the redialing

9. is that we all have absolutely nothing to say,

10. and we've got to talk to someone about it

11. right now.

12. Cannot wait another second.

13. I mean, come on, you're at home, you're on the phone.

14. You're in the car, you're making calls.

15. You get to work— "Any messages for me?"

16. You've got to give people a chance

17. to miss you a little!

18. You know, it's bad enough you have a car phone.

19. Do you have to use the speaker?

20. It's safer.

21. Plus, it's more annoying to the other person.

22. Oh, look at this guy.

23. What's going on?

24. There's a guy trying to get in front of me. He has to ask permission.

25. Yes, go ahead, get in, get in.

26. Did you get a "thank you" wave?

27. No, nothing.

28. How could you not give a "thank you" wave?

29. Hey, buddy, where's my "thank you" wave?

30. Give me that wave!

31. Hey, Jerry, are you free on Friday?

32. Yeah, I'm free. Why?

33. Oh, God.

34. I bumped into Robin Sandusky today.

35. She asked me to have dinner with her and her husband.

36. Oh, my God.

37. You won't believe what I just saw.

38. A car just bashed into a parked car

39. and sped off right on my block.

40. You've got to follow that car.

41. What?

42. You can't let him get away with that.

43. Elaine, the guy could be dangerous.

44. What are you, yellow?

45. I'm not yellow.

46. Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yellow.

47. Wait, he stopped. He's parking.

48. What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?

49. Uh, excuse me...

50. I was... driving behind you...

51. you know, a few blocks back,

52. and I— I couldn't... help—

53. Maybe you didn't realize...

54. I— I— I witnessed that...

55. that... uh... your...

56. your left rear tire's a little low.

57. You know, that can affect the performance

58. of the twin I-beam suspension,

59. not to mention, you know, your rack-and-pinion steering.

60. So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her.

61. Boy, what a story.

62. I— I'm speechless, speechless. I have no speech.

63. You know, I really liked her.

64. We talked, we flirted.

65. and when she'd laugh,

66. she'd reach out and touch my arm.

67. I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that.

68. Me either.

69. Why is that?

70. Let's not even analyze it.

71. So you didn't turn her in.

72. I wanted to, but I couldn't go through with it.

73. Are you gonna see her again?

74. Friday night.

75. Yeah?

76. It's me.

77. Come on up.

78. By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything.

79. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

80. I dig.

81. Oh, you dig?

82. Yes.

83. I see enormous potential there.

84. Why?

85. Because great couples

86. always have a great story about how they met.

87. That's why I've never been in a long-term relationship.

88. I never had a good meeting story.

89. I'm wondering if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all.

90. I don't think so.

91. Look, she slammed into a parked car.

92. She took no responsibility

93. for mutilating the property of a stranger,

94. and then she sped off like a criminal.

95. On the other hand...

96. Does that mean she should never be allowed to date again?

97. You scratch one car,

98. and you're forbidden to have social contact

99. for the rest of your life?

100. Nah.

101. What am I drinking? Milk?

102. Hey.

103. Hi.

104. Sweater.

105. Thank you.

106. So... what happened?

107. With what?

108. With the car.

109. What car?

110. The hit and run.

111. Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,

112. the hit and run.

113. Well...

114. Actually, the guy went into Queens.

115. Queens?

116. Mm-hmm.

117. You followed him over the bridge?

118. Over the bridge.

119. Well, I...

120. I didn't know you went into Queens, Jerry.

121. Yeah, Queens.

122. So... then what?

123. So he gets out of the car.

124. I said, "Hey, buddy, I saw you hit that car,"

125. so he says to me,

126. "What are you gonna do about it?"

127. So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary."

128. I— I...

129. I am... speechless.

130. I am without speech.

131. Tell her about the shoving.

132. What?

133. What shoving?

134. Oh, it was nothing.

135. No.

136. Tell her.

137. Come on, tell me.

138. Well, he kind of lost his temper,

139. and he was pushing me up against the car,

140. so I went into a karate stance.

141. Hiya!

142. You know karate?

143. I know a little.

144. Well, I— This is so amazing to me.

145. Jerry, what did he do?

146. He backed off.

147. It was pretty pathetic, actually.

148. Hey.

149. Hey.

150. Did you tell Kramer?

151. Nah.

152. What, what? Tell me.

153. Jerry saw this guy smash into a car,

154. and he followed him.

155. Good for you.

156. What kind of a sick lowlife

157. would do a thing like that?

158. You know, those people,

159. you know, they're mentally disturbed.

160. They should be sent to Australia.

161. Australia?

162. Yeah, yeah, that's where England

163. used to send their convicts.

164. But not anymore.

165. No.

166. Hey, Kramer?

167. Kramer?

168. Huh?

169. What— What happened to you right here?

170. I don't know.

171. You know, I was watching

172. Entertainment Tonight,

173. and... suddenly, you know, I got dizzy,

174. and the next thing I know,

175. I hit my head on the coffee table.

176. Well, that is... that is strange.

177. Yeah, it— it's...

178. All right.

179. Oh, Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right?

180. Oh, Friday, no, I can't. I'm sorry. I have a date.

181. But last night, you said you were free.

182. We just met.

183. You know, maybe it was a reaction

184. to the sardines.

185. But I— I can't go alone.

186. Ask George to go with you.

187. George, come on.

188. I'll pay for you.

189. You'll pay? I'm there.

190. Why do you even need anybody?

191. Because I hate being at a table alone

192. with a married couple,

193. talking about their married friends

194. and their married furniture.

195. They're always trying to make me feel

196. like their life is so much better than mine.

197. You know, I have a very exciting life.

198. It's very exciting.

199. You went out with a bullfighter?

200. Yeah, yeah, well, an ex-bullfighter now.

201. Wow.

202. What was his name?

203. His name?

204. His... his name was...

205. was... Ed-uardo...

206. Car... ochio.

207. Pass the salt, please.

208. Where did you meet him?

209. Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland,

210. and he was fighting...

211. Is that the word they use, "fighting"?

212. Because they don't really fight the bull.

213. They avoid fighting the bull.

214. Bread.

215. Oh, I just love meeting new people, you know?

216. That's how you really do learn about life.

217. God bless you.

218. Thank you.

219. I wasn't going to say anything,

220. but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth.

221. You know who's a good actor?

222. Anthony Quinn.

223. Oh, Anthony Quinn,

224. fine actor,

225. but from what I understand, not a very good driver.

226. Hits everything on the road,

227. but always leaves a note.

228. Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?

229. Excellent film.

230. In fact, Quinn said he never felt so good

231. as when he left a note after smacking into a car.

232. Come here.

233. Really, I— I was only kidding around.

234. He was only joking, Michael.

235. You think you're so damn special

236. because you said "God bless you"?

237. I— I don't think I'm special.

238. My mother always said I'm not special.

239. He was only joking, Michael.

240. I'm sorry.

241. Oh, right, take his side!

242. I am not taking his side.

243. Well, whose side are you taking?

244. Well, I'm not taking your side!

245. Kirk Douglas—

246. Now, there's another very bad driver,

247. but he's such an unbelievable guy

248. that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note.

249. He sits in his car,

250. and he waits for the other person to show up

251. so he can exchange license, registration,

252. and apologize.

253. I mean, I said "God bless you." Was that so wrong?

254. The question is...

255. Did you allow a space for the husband

256. to come in with his "God bless you"?

257. Because as the husband,

258. he has the right of first refusal.

259. Yeah?

260. It's me.

261. Come on up.

262. Yes.

263. Yes, I definitely waited,

264. but let me say this—

265. Once he passes on that option,

266. that "God bless you" is up for grabs.

267. No argument,

268. unless she's one of these multiple sneezers,

269. and he's holding his "God bless you" in abeyance

270. until she completes the series.

271. Well, I don't think she is a multiple sneezer,

272. because she sneezed again later,

273. and it was also a single.

274. What if she's having an off night?

275. Hi.

276. Hi.

277. Well... if it isn't Mr. Gesundheit.

278. Oh, yeah,

279. like there's something wrong with saying "God bless you."

280. I was raised to say "God bless you."

281. Oh, shut up.

282. What does it mean, anyway, "God bless you"?

283. It's a stupid stuperstition.

284. A stupid what?

285. Whatever.

286. You know, if you want to make a person feel better

287. after they sneeze,

288. you shouldn't say, "God bless you."

289. You should say, "You're so good-looking."

290. Yeah.

291. Yeah, that's better than "God bless you."

292. Anyway, she left a message on my machine.

293. She wants you to call her.

294. Who?

295. Robin.

296. Why?

297. Well, I assume she called to apologize.

298. That's why she called me.

299. Entertainment Tonight is on.

300. Where's the remote phone?

301. Bedroom.

302. Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you?

303. Georgia peach Marla Maples

304. reportedly threw yet another stiletto...

305. What's it like out?

306. It's chilly out.

307. Should I take a sweater?

308. Yeah, I mean,

309. you could take a sweater

310. if you want.

311. Scarf?

312. Nah.

313. Hey, shut this off. Shut it off.

314. Hey, what—

315. What's the matter? What's going on?

316. What happened?

317. What?

318. I think I hit my head again.

319. What is wrong?

320. Hey, hey, wait a minute.

321. Let me ask you something.

322. Kramer, the last time you hit your head,

323. was Mary Hart on TV?

324. Yeah.

325. That is it! What?

326. That is it!

327. Mary Hart's voice! Don't you see?

328. There's something about the sound of Mary Hart's voice

329. that's giving you seizures.

330. Just like— just like— just like that woman

331. in Albany.

332. Mary Hart?

333. Oh, my God.

334. What?

335. Well, she apologized, and then she wanted to know

336. if we could get together

337. Wednesday afternoon.

338. Get together?

339. Maybe she just wants to talk to me.

340. Married woman don't get together.

341. They have affairs.

342. Oh, my God, an affair...

343. It's so adult.

344. It's like with stockings and martinis

345. and William Holden...

346. On the other hand,

347. it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

348. Are you... actually considering this?

349. I can't have an affair with a married woman. That's despicable.

350. Ugh...

351. It's like hitting a car and driving away

352. without leaving a note.

353. Yeah.

354. Hey, do you know who owns that car?

355. What car?

356. The one that was hit a couple of nights ago.

357. Yeah? Who?

358. That blonde across the street.

359. You know, the one with the long ponytail.

360. She wears those blue sweatpants.

361. The blonde with the blue sweat...

362. pants.

363. Yeah, I think I've seen her.

364. Mm-hmm.

365. Well, I've got to get going.

366. I'm meeting a guy with gray sweatpants.

367. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

368. How do you know it's not John Tesh?

369. The blonde with the blue sweatpants.

370. Who is she?

371. I've had a crush on this woman for a year.

372. I've always been afraid to approach her.

373. She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards.

374. Oh, right, right, the blue sweatpants!

375. Gee, it's too bad you can't say anything

376. because of Angela.

377. Oh... yeah.

378. Too bad.

379. Angela...

380. Lousy thug.

381. I mean, what kind of sick person

382. does something like that?

383. The woman belongs in prison.

384. I mean, I actually owe it to society

385. to do something about this.

386. I can't sit by

387. and allow this to go on.

388. It's a moral issue, is what it is.

389. You can't compromise your principles.

390. How I am going to live with myself? Can't live.

391. I'm not religious,

392. but I certainly know where to draw the line.

393. This country needs more people like you.

394. Don't sell yourself short,

395. saying "God bless you"

396. to every Tom, Dick, and Harry,

397. at great personal risk.

398. I believe strongly in that, as you know.

399. There should be more people like us.

400. That's why the world is in the shape that it's in.

401. You're telling me.

402. Anyway, I just want you to know

403. that I'm gonna do everything I can

404. to make sure the party responsible

405. is made to be responsible,

406. or something very close to that.

407. Well, God bless you.

408. Thank you very much.

409. Oh, my God, I must be crazy.

410. What have I done?

411. Oh, no. What's wrong?

412. What's wrong?

413. I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery.

414. You didn't commit adultery. I did.

415. Oh, yeah.

416. If I didn't do it with you,

417. I would have done it with someone else.

418. Well, I... I wouldn't want you to do that.

419. You know, there's a lot of losers out there.

420. Maybe even someone who didn't say "God bless you."

421. Well, that's a given.

422. In three years with Michael, not one "God bless you."

423. It must be hell living in that house.

424. Hi, it's Michael.

425. Hi, Michael.

426. Is Robin there?

427. Robin? No. Why?

428. Uh... she said

429. she was gonna be with you.

430. No, I haven't spoken to her all da—

431. Uh...

432. Yeah, right, um...

433. As a— as a matter of fact,

434. um, she— she was here,

435. and... sh-she left a note,

436. but I— I wasn't here,

437. but I have the note... right here.

438. If she's not with you, then where is she?

439. Well, I— I don't know.

440. Is she with your bald friend

441. from the other night?

442. No... no.

443. Come on, Michael.

444. He's finished.

445. I'm gonna sew his ass to his face!

446. I'm gonna twist his neck so hard,

447. his lips will be his eyebrows!

448. I'm gonna break his joints

449. and re-attach them!

450. You're so good-looking.

451. Now, you listen to me, suckface!

452. You tell anybody anything,

453. and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue.

454. Let me rephrase—

455. I'll bash your skull into a vegematic

456. like a bad cabbage,

457. and I'll have a party on your head!

458. Hi, Elaine. This is Angela.

459. I'll pluck all your body hairs out

460. with my teeth!

461. Well, I think I get the gist of it.

462. So you don't say anything to anybody

463. about me hitting that car.

464. What car?

465. Good...

466. I'm glad we understand each other.

467. It's not complicated.

468. Very nice meeting you.

469. Come on up.

470. Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld,

471. that must have been so frightening

472. when you confronted that "guy" in Queens.

473. Now, let me just see

474. if I've got the scenario right.

475. All right, Elaine.

476. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

477. because I'm picturing— What? What?

478. Oh, French Connection

479. kind of thing, you know,

480. sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city.

481. It was just a couple of blocks.

482. Oh, no, no. Come on, don't be so modest.

483. Hey.

484. Oh...

485. Did you check your machine?

486. No. Why? What's happened?

487. Michael called me today, and he asked where Robin was...

488. Yeah. Okay.

489. And I said that I hadn't seen her.

490. What?

491. No, George, George, you don't understand.

492. She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse,

493. okay, but then—

494. but then I realized what was going on,

495. and I said that she left a note.

496. Um...

497. but he didn't really buy that,

498. and then— and then he did mention your name.

499. He mentioned my name? What did he say?

500. He said he was gonna...

501. s-sew your ass to your face.

502. What?

503. Why couldn't you think of something?

504. Well, I don't know. He caught me off guard.

505. You lie! How hard is it to lie?

506. It's not that hard.

507. Well, who told you to sleep with her, George?

508. It's not my fault.

509. I wasn't gonna do anything

510. until you got her all juiced up with your story

511. about having the affair with the matador!

512. Oh, gosh, none of this would never have happened

513. if you hadn't said "God bless you"!

514. Oh, don't start—

515. Hold it, hold it, hold it, people.

516. Matador?

517. Oh, God.

518. What matador?

519. She told this couple

520. she had an affair with a matador.

521. A matador...

522. Well, well, well,

523. uno momento, por favor.

524. Pray tell, what was the young man's name?

525. Uh...

526. Eduardo... Carochio.

527. Eduardo...

528. Carochio!

529. That's good. That's very good.

530. It kind of just rolls off the tongue.

531. I wonder where, on the Upper West Side,

532. a single girl might meet a matador.

533. Perhaps Zabars...

534. Well...

535. Or Ray's Pizza.

536. Anyway, this person told me to tell you

537. to get an estimate on the damage.

538. Well, I already got an estimate.

539. It's $875.

540. $875?

541. That's right.

542. Uh... well, I'll tell you what.

543. Um, I'll give you a check,

544. and then this person can pay me back.

545. Uh, who do I make it out to?

546. Becky Gelke.

547. G-e-l-k-e.

548. So...

549. what are you doing this weekend?

550. You have got some nerve.

551. You smash up my car, you don't admit it,

552. and now you want to ask me out on a date?

553. I didn't do it.

554. Yeah, right.

555. You are so good-looking.

556. Thank you.

557. Jerry, let's go. You ready?

558. Are you sure you want to do this?

559. I'm gonna be on the road for three weeks.

560. Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me.

561. I'm not staying in the city.

562. All right.

563. Come on, let's get out of here.

564. How could you?

565. What?

566. Man, I never thought you were capable of this.

567. What did I do?

568. I just talked to Becky Gelke outside.

569. She told me how you hit and ran.

570. I—

571. I don't even want to look at you anymore!

572. All these years of friendship,

573. and you're— you're nothing but a felon.

574. You're an embarrassment to the building.

575. I didn't do it.

576. I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else.

577. Now, you're not gonna lie to me, are you?

578. No, never.

579. All right, well, I'm glad we got that straightened out,

580. because I've got a date with her.

581. You got a date with Becky Gelke?

582. Yeah, I'm going out with her Saturday night.

583. Jerry, can we get out of here?

584. As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you,

585. I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her.

586. Well, I'm happy to help in any way that I can.

587. Liz Taylor...

588. A man is paralyzed mentally by a beautiful woman,

589. and advertisers really take advantage of this.

590. Don't you love those ads

591. where you see, like, the woman in the bikini

592. next to the 32-piece ratchet set?

593. You know, and she's—

594. You know, we'll be looking at the girl in the bikini,

595. looking at the ratchet set,

596. going, "All right,

597. "Well, if she's right next to the ratchet set,

598. "and I had that ratchet set,

599. I wonder if that would mean that..."

600. "I'd better just buy that ratchet set."