1. I would say
the concept behind the car phone
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2. and the phone machine,
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3. the speaker phone,
the airline phone,
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4. the portable phone,
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5. the pay phone,
the cordless phone,
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6. the multiline phone,
the phone pager, call waiting,
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7. call forwarding,
call conferencing,
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8. speed dialing, direct dialing,
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9. and the redialing
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10. is that we all have
absolutely nothing to say,
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11. and we've got to talk to someone
about it
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12. right now.
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13. Cannot wait another second.
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14. I mean, come on, you're at home,
you're on the phone.
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15. You're in the car,
you're making calls.
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16. You get to work—
"Any messages for me?"
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17. You've got to give people
a chance
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18. You've got to give people
a chance
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19. to miss you a little!
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20. You know, it's bad enough
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21. you have a car phone.
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22. Do you have to use the speaker?
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23. It's safer.
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24. Plus, it's more annoying
to the other person.
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25. Oh, look at this guy.
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26. What's going on?
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27. There's a guy
trying to get in front of me.
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28. He has to ask permission.
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29. Yes, go ahead, get in, get in.
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30. Did you get a "thank you" wave?
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31. No, nothing.
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32. How could you not give
a "thank you" wave?
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33. Hey, buddy,
where's my "thank you" wave?
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34. Give me that wave!
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35. Give me that wave!
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36. Hey, Jerry,
are you free on Friday?
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37. Yeah, I'm free. Why?
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38. Oh, God.
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39. I bumped into Robin Sandusky
today.
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40. She asked me to have dinner
with her and her husband.
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41. Oh, my God.
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42. You won't believe
what I just saw.
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43. A car just bashed
into a parked car
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44. and sped off right on my block.
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45. You've got to follow that car.
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46. What?
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47. You can't let him get away
with that.
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48. Elaine,
the guy could be dangerous.
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49. What are you, yellow?
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50. I'm not yellow.
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51. Jerry, if you don't follow him,
you're yellow.
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52. Wait, he stopped. He's parking.
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53. What? What?
I can't hear you. Jerry?
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54. Uh, excuse me...
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55. I was... driving behind you...
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56. you know, a few blocks back,
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57. and I— I couldn't... help—
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58. Maybe you didn't
realize...
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59. I— I— I witnessed that...
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60. that... uh... your...
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61. your left rear tire's
a little low.
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62. You know, that can affect
the performance
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63. of the twin I-beam suspension,
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64. of the twin I-beam suspension,
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65. not to mention, you know,
your rack-and-pinion steering.
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66. So I wound up going out
for a decaf cappuccino
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67. with her.
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68. Boy, what a story.
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69. I— I'm speechless, speechless.
I have no speech.
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70. You know, I really liked her.
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71. We talked, we flirted.
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72. and when she'd laugh,
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73. she'd reach out
and touch my arm.
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74. I love when they touch your arm.
I can't get enough of that.
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75. Me either.
Why is that?
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76. Let's not even analyze it.
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77. So you didn't turn her in.
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78. I wanted to, but I couldn't
go through with it.
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79. Are you gonna
see her again?
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80. Friday night.
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81. Yeah?
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82. It's me.
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83. Come on up.
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84. By the way, Elaine does not need
to know about anything.
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85. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
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86. I dig.
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87. Oh, you dig?
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88. Yes.
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89. Yes.
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90. I see enormous
potential there.
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91. Why?
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92. Because great couples
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93. always have a great story
about how they met.
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94. That's why I've never been
in a long-term relationship.
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95. I never had
a good meeting story.
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96. I'm wondering if I'm nuts
for pursuing this woman at all.
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97. I don't think so.
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98. Look,
she slammed into a parked car.
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99. She took no responsibility
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100. for mutilating
the property of a stranger,
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101. and then she sped off
like a criminal.
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102. On the other hand...
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103. Does that mean
she should never be allowed
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104. to date again?
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105. to date again?
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106. You scratch one car,
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107. and you're forbidden
to have social contact
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108. for the rest of your life?
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109. Nah.
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110. What am I drinking? Milk?
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111. Hey.
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112. Hi.
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113. Sweater.
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114. Thank you.
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115. So... what happened?
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116. With what?
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117. With the car.
What car?
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118. The hit and run.
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119. Oh, right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right,
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120. the hit and run.
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121. Well...
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122. Actually,
the guy went into Queens.
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123. Actually,
the guy went into Queens.
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124. Queens?
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125. Mm-hmm.
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126. You followed him
over the bridge?
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127. Over the bridge.
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128. Well, I...
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129. I didn't know you went
into Queens, Jerry.
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130. Yeah, Queens.
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131. So... then what?
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132. So he gets out of the car.
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133. I said, "Hey, buddy,
I saw you hit that car,"
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134. so he says to me,
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135. "What are you gonna do
about it?"
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136. So I said to him,
"Whatever's necessary."
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137. I— I...
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138. I am... speechless.
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139. I am... speechless.
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140. I am without speech.
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141. Tell her about the shoving.
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142. What?
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143. What shoving?
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144. Oh, it was nothing.
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145. No.
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146. Tell her.
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147. Come on, tell me.
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148. Well, he kind of
lost his temper,
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149. and he was pushing me up
against the car,
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150. so I went into a karate stance.
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151. Hiya!
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152. You know karate?
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153. I know a little.
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154. Well, I—
This is so amazing to me.
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155. Jerry, what did he do?
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156. He backed off.
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157. It was pretty pathetic,
actually.
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158. Hey.
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159. Hey.
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160. Did you tell Kramer?
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161. Nah.
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162. What, what? Tell me.
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163. Jerry saw this guy
smash into a car,
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164. and he followed him.
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165. Good for you.
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166. Good for you.
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167. What kind
of a sick lowlife
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168. would do a thing
like that?
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169. You know,
those people,
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170. you know, they're
mentally disturbed.
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171. They should be sent
to Australia.
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172. Australia?
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173. Yeah, yeah,
that's where England
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174. used to send
their convicts.
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175. But not anymore.
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176. No.
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177. Hey, Kramer?
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178. Kramer?
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179. Huh?
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180. What— What happened
to you right here?
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181. I don't know.
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182. You know,
I was watching
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183. You know,
I was watching
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184. Entertainment
Tonight,
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185. and... suddenly,
you know, I got dizzy,
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186. and the next thing
I know,
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187. I hit my head
on the coffee table.
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188. Well, that is...
that is strange.
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189. Yeah, it— it's...
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190. All right.
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191. Oh, Jerry, we're still on
for Friday night, right?
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192. Oh, Friday, no, I can't.
I'm sorry. I have a date.
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193. But last night,
you said you were free.
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194. We just met.
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195. You know, maybe
it was a reaction
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196. to the sardines.
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197. to the sardines.
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198. But I— I can't go alone.
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199. Ask George to go with you.
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200. George, come on.
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201. I'll pay for you.
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202. You'll pay? I'm there.
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203. Why do you even need anybody?
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204. Because I hate being
at a table alone
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205. with a married couple,
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206. talking
about their married friends
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207. and their married furniture.
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208. They're always trying
to make me feel
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209. like their life
is so much better than mine.
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210. You know,
I have a very exciting life.
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211. It's very exciting.
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212. You went out
with a bullfighter?
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213. Yeah, yeah, well,
an ex-bullfighter now.
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214. Wow.
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215. What was his name?
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216. His name?
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217. His... his name was...
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218. was... Ed-uardo...
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219. Car... ochio.
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220. Pass the salt, please.
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221. Where did you meet him?
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222. Um, actually,
I met him in Switzerland,
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223. and he was fighting...
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224. Is that the word they use,
"fighting"?
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225. Is that the word they use,
"fighting"?
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226. Because they don't really fight
the bull.
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227. They avoid fighting the bull.
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228. Bread.
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229. Oh, I just love
meeting new people, you know?
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230. That's how you really do learn
about life.
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231. God bless you.
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232. Thank you.
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233. I wasn't going
to say anything,
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234. but then I could see
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235. that he wasn't going
to open his mouth.
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236. that he wasn't going
to open his mouth.
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237. You know
who's a good actor?
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238. Anthony Quinn.
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239. Oh, Anthony Quinn,
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240. fine actor,
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241. but from what I understand,
not a very good driver.
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242. Hits everything
on the road,
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243. but always leaves a note.
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244. Did you ever see
Zorba the Greek?
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245. Excellent film.
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246. In fact, Quinn said
he never felt so good
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247. as when he left a note
after smacking into a car.
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248. Come here.
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249. Really, I— I was
only kidding around.
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250. He was only joking, Michael.
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251. You think you're
so damn special
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252. You think you're
so damn special
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253. because you said
"God bless you"?
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254. I— I don't think
I'm special.
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255. My mother always said
I'm not special.
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256. He was only joking,
Michael.
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257. I'm sorry.
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258. Oh, right,
take his side!
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259. I am not taking
his side.
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260. Well, whose side
are you taking?
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261. Well, I'm not taking
your side!
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262. Kirk Douglas—
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263. Kirk Douglas—
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264. Now, there's another
very bad driver,
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265. but he's such
an unbelievable guy
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266. that when he hits someone,
he doesn't even leave a note.
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267. He sits in his car,
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268. and he waits for the other
person to show up
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269. so he can exchange license,
registration,
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270. and apologize.
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271. I mean, I said "God bless you."
Was that so wrong?
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272. The question is...
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273. Did you allow a space
for the husband
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274. to come in with
his "God bless you"?
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275. Because as the husband,
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276. he has the right
of first refusal.
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277. he has the right
of first refusal.
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278. Yeah?
It's me.
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279. Come on up.
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280. Yes.
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281. Yes, I definitely waited,
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282. but let me say this—
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283. Once he passes on that option,
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284. that "God bless you"
is up for grabs.
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285. No argument,
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286. unless she's one of these
multiple sneezers,
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287. and he's holding his
"God bless you" in abeyance
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288. until she completes the series.
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289. Well, I don't think
she is a multiple sneezer,
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290. because she sneezed
again later,
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291. because she sneezed
again later,
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292. and it was
also a single.
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293. What if she's having
an off night?
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294. Hi.
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295. Hi.
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296. Well...
if it isn't Mr. Gesundheit.
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297. Oh, yeah,
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298. like there's something wrong
with saying "God bless you."
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299. I was raised
to say "God bless you."
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300. Oh, shut up.
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301. What does it mean, anyway,
"God bless you"?
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302. It's a stupid stuperstition.
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303. A stupid what?
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304. Whatever.
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305. You know, if you want
to make a person feel better
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306. after they sneeze,
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307. you shouldn't say,
"God bless you."
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308. You should say,
"You're so good-looking."
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309. Yeah.
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310. Yeah, that's better
than "God bless you."
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311. Anyway, she left a message
on my machine.
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312. She wants you to call her.
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313. Who?
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314. Robin.
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315. Why?
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316. Well, I assume
she called to apologize.
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317. That's why she called me.
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318. Entertainment
Tonight is on.
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319. Entertainment
Tonight is on.
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320. Where's the remote phone?
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321. Bedroom.
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322. Hey, grab Jerry's sweater
for me, would you?
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323. Georgia peach Marla Maples
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324. reportedly threw
yet another stiletto...
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325. What's it like out?
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326. It's chilly out.
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327. Should I take
a sweater?
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328. Yeah, I mean,
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329. you could take
a sweater
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330. you could take
a sweater
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331. if you want.
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332. Scarf?
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333. Nah.
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334. Hey, shut this off.
Shut it off.
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335. Hey, what—
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336. What's the matter?
What's going on?
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337. What happened?
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338. What?
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339. I think I hit my head again.
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340. What is wrong?
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341. Hey, hey,
wait a minute.
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342. Let me ask you
something.
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343. Kramer, the last time
you hit your head,
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344. was Mary Hart on TV?
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345. Yeah.
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346. That is it!
What?
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347. That is it!
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348. That is it!
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349. Mary Hart's voice!
Don't you see?
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350. There's something
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351. about the sound of
Mary Hart's voice
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352. that's giving you
seizures.
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353. Just like— just like—
just like that woman
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354. in Albany.
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355. Mary Hart?
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356. Oh, my God.
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357. What?
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358. Well, she apologized,
and then she wanted to know
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359. if we could
get together
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360. Wednesday afternoon.
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361. Get together?
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362. Maybe she just wants
to talk to me.
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363. Married woman
don't get together.
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364. They have affairs.
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365. Oh, my God, an affair...
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366. It's so adult.
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367. It's so adult.
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368. It's like with stockings
and martinis
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369. and William Holden...
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370. On the other hand,
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371. it probably wouldn't cost me
any money.
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372. Are you... actually
considering this?
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373. I can't have an affair
with a married woman.
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374. That's despicable.
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375. Ugh...
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376. It's like hitting a car
and driving away
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377. without leaving a note.
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378. Yeah.
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379. Hey, do you know
who owns that car?
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380. What car?
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381. The one that was hit
a couple of nights ago.
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382. The one that was hit
a couple of nights ago.
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383. Yeah? Who?
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384. That blonde across the street.
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385. You know,
the one with the long ponytail.
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386. She wears those blue sweatpants.
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387. The blonde
with the blue sweat...
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388. pants.
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389. Yeah, I think I've seen her.
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390. Mm-hmm.
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391. Well, I've got to get going.
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392. I'm meeting a guy
with gray sweatpants.
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393. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
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394. How do you know
it's not John Tesh?
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395. The blonde
with the blue sweatpants.
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396. The blonde
with the blue sweatpants.
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397. Who is she?
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398. I've had a crush on this woman
for a year.
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399. I've always been afraid
to approach her.
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400. She looks like she belongs
on one of these Hallmark cards.
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401. Oh, right, right,
the blue sweatpants!
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402. Gee, it's too bad
you can't say anything
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403. because of Angela.
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404. Oh... yeah.
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405. Too bad.
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406. Angela...
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407. Lousy thug.
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408. Lousy thug.
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409. I mean, what kind
of sick person
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410. does something
like that?
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411. The woman belongs
in prison.
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412. I mean, I actually
owe it to society
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413. to do something
about this.
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414. I can't sit by
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415. and allow this
to go on.
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416. It's a moral issue,
is what it is.
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417. You can't compromise
your principles.
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418. How I am going to
live with myself?
Can't live.
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419. I'm not religious,
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420. but I certainly know
where to draw the line.
Copy !req
421. This country needs
more people like you.
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422. Don't sell
yourself short,
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423. saying "God bless you"
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424. to every Tom,
Dick, and Harry,
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425. at great
personal risk.
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426. at great
personal risk.
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427. I believe strongly
in that, as you know.
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428. There should be
more people like us.
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429. That's why the world
is in the shape
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430. that it's in.
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431. You're telling me.
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432. Anyway, I just
want you to know
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433. that I'm gonna do
everything I can
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434. to make sure
the party responsible
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435. is made to be responsible,
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436. or something
very close to that.
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437. Well, God bless you.
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438. Thank you very much.
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439. Oh, my God,
I must be crazy.
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440. What have I done?
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441. Oh, no.
What's wrong?
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442. What's wrong?
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443. I'll tell you what's wrong.
I just committed adultery.
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444. You didn't commit
adultery. I did.
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445. Oh, yeah.
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446. If I didn't do it with you,
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447. I would have done it
with someone else.
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448. Well, I... I wouldn't
want you to do that.
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449. You know, there's a lot
of losers out there.
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450. Maybe even someone
who didn't say "God bless you."
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451. Maybe even someone
who didn't say "God bless you."
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452. Well, that's a given.
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453. In three years with Michael,
not one "God bless you."
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454. It must be hell
living in that house.
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455. Hi, it's Michael.
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456. Hi, Michael.
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457. Is Robin there?
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458. Robin? No. Why?
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459. Uh... she said
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460. she was gonna be
with you.
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461. No, I haven't spoken
to her all da—
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462. Uh...
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463. Yeah, right, um...
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464. As a— as a matter of fact,
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465. um, she— she was here,
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466. um, she— she was here,
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467. and... sh-she left a note,
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468. but I— I wasn't here,
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469. but I have the note...
right here.
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470. If she's not with you,
then where is she?
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471. Well, I— I don't know.
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472. Is she
with your bald friend
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473. from the other night?
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474. No... no.
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475. Come on, Michael.
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476. He's finished.
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477. I'm gonna sew his ass
to his face!
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478. I'm gonna twist
his neck so hard,
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479. his lips will be
his eyebrows!
Copy !req
480. his lips will be
his eyebrows!
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481. I'm gonna break
his joints
Copy !req
482. and re-attach them!
Copy !req
483. You're so good-looking.
Copy !req
484. Now, you listen to me,
suckface!
Copy !req
485. You tell anybody
anything,
Copy !req
486. and I will carve my initials
in your brain tissue.
Copy !req
487. Let me rephrase—
Copy !req
488. I'll bash your skull
into a vegematic
Copy !req
489. like a bad cabbage,
Copy !req
490. and I'll have a party
on your head!
Copy !req
491. Hi, Elaine.
This is Angela.
Copy !req
492. I'll pluck
all your body hairs out
Copy !req
493. I'll pluck
all your body hairs out
Copy !req
494. with my teeth!
Copy !req
495. Well, I think
I get the gist of it.
Copy !req
496. So you don't say
anything to anybody
Copy !req
497. about me hitting
that car.
Copy !req
498. What car?
Copy !req
499. Good...
Copy !req
500. I'm glad we understand
each other.
Copy !req
501. It's not complicated.
Copy !req
502. Very nice meeting you.
Copy !req
503. Come on up.
Copy !req
504. Well, well, well,
Mr. Seinfeld,
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505. that must have been
so frightening
Copy !req
506. when you confronted
that "guy" in Queens.
Copy !req
507. Now, let me just see
Copy !req
508. if I've got
the scenario right.
Copy !req
509. All right, Elaine.
Copy !req
510. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no,
Copy !req
511. because I'm picturing—
What? What?
Copy !req
512. Oh, French Connection
Copy !req
513. kind of thing,
Copy !req
514. you know, sort of
a Popeye Doyle chase
Copy !req
515. through the city.
Copy !req
516. It was just
a couple of blocks.
Copy !req
517. Oh, no, no.
Come on, don't be so modest.
Copy !req
518. Hey.
Copy !req
519. Oh...
Copy !req
520. Oh...
Copy !req
521. Did you check
your machine?
Copy !req
522. No. Why? What's happened?
Copy !req
523. Michael called me today,
and he asked where Robin was...
Copy !req
524. Yeah. Okay.
Copy !req
525. And I said
that I hadn't seen her.
Copy !req
526. What?
Copy !req
527. No, George, George,
you don't understand.
Copy !req
528. She didn't tell me
she was using me as an excuse,
Copy !req
529. okay, but then—
Copy !req
530. but then I realized
what was going on,
Copy !req
531. and I said that
she left a note.
Copy !req
532. Um...
Copy !req
533. but he didn't
really buy that,
Copy !req
534. and then— and then
he did mention your name.
Copy !req
535. He mentioned my name?
What did he say?
Copy !req
536. He mentioned my name?
What did he say?
Copy !req
537. He said he was gonna...
Copy !req
538. s-sew your ass
to your face.
Copy !req
539. What?
Copy !req
540. Why couldn't you think
of something?
Copy !req
541. Well, I don't know.
Copy !req
542. He caught me off guard.
Copy !req
543. You lie!
Copy !req
544. How hard is it to lie?
Copy !req
545. It's not that hard.
Copy !req
546. Well, who told you
to sleep with her, George?
Copy !req
547. It's not my fault.
Copy !req
548. I wasn't gonna do anything
Copy !req
549. until you got her all juiced up
with your story
Copy !req
550. about having the affair
with the matador!
Copy !req
551. Oh, gosh, none of this
would never have happened
Copy !req
552. Oh, gosh, none of this
would never have happened
Copy !req
553. if you hadn't said
"God bless you"!
Copy !req
554. Oh, don't start—
Copy !req
555. Hold it, hold it,
hold it, people.
Copy !req
556. Matador?
Copy !req
557. Oh, God.
Copy !req
558. What matador?
Copy !req
559. She told this couple
Copy !req
560. she had an affair
with a matador.
Copy !req
561. A matador...
Copy !req
562. Well, well, well,
Copy !req
563. uno momento, por favor.
Copy !req
564. Pray tell,
what was the young man's name?
Copy !req
565. Uh...
Copy !req
566. Eduardo... Carochio.
Copy !req
567. Eduardo... Carochio.
Copy !req
568. Eduardo...
Copy !req
569. Carochio!
Copy !req
570. That's good.
That's very good.
Copy !req
571. It kind of just rolls
off the tongue.
Copy !req
572. I wonder where,
on the Upper West Side,
Copy !req
573. a single girl
might meet a matador.
Copy !req
574. Perhaps Zabars...
Copy !req
575. Well...
Copy !req
576. Or Ray's Pizza.
Copy !req
577. Anyway, this person
told me to tell you
Copy !req
578. to get an estimate
on the damage.
Copy !req
579. Well, I already got an estimate.
Copy !req
580. It's $875.
Copy !req
581. It's $875.
Copy !req
582. $875?
Copy !req
583. That's right.
Copy !req
584. Uh... well,
I'll tell you what.
Copy !req
585. Um, I'll give you a check,
Copy !req
586. and then this person
can pay me back.
Copy !req
587. Uh, who do I
make it out to?
Copy !req
588. Becky Gelke.
Copy !req
589. G-e-l-k-e.
Copy !req
590. So...
Copy !req
591. what are you doing this weekend?
Copy !req
592. You have got some nerve.
Copy !req
593. You smash up my car,
you don't admit it,
Copy !req
594. and now you want
to ask me out on a date?
Copy !req
595. I didn't do it.
Copy !req
596. I didn't do it.
Copy !req
597. Yeah, right.
Copy !req
598. You are so good-looking.
Copy !req
599. Thank you.
Copy !req
600. Jerry, let's go. You ready?
Copy !req
601. Are you sure
you want to do this?
Copy !req
602. I'm gonna be on the road
for three weeks.
Copy !req
603. Excuse me,
I've got a maniac stalking me.
Copy !req
604. I'm not staying in the city.
Copy !req
605. All right.
Copy !req
606. Come on, let's get out of here.
Copy !req
607. How could you?
Copy !req
608. What?
Copy !req
609. Man, I never thought
you were capable of this.
Copy !req
610. Man, I never thought
you were capable of this.
Copy !req
611. What did I do?
Copy !req
612. I just talked to Becky Gelke
outside.
Copy !req
613. She told me how you hit and ran.
Copy !req
614. I—
I don't even want
to look at you anymore!
Copy !req
615. All these years of friendship,
Copy !req
616. and you're— you're nothing
but a felon.
Copy !req
617. You're an embarrassment
to the building.
Copy !req
618. I didn't do it.
Copy !req
619. I just had to pay her
to cover for somebody else.
Copy !req
620. Now, you're not gonna lie to me,
are you?
Copy !req
621. No, never.
Copy !req
622. All right, well, I'm glad
we got that straightened out,
Copy !req
623. because I've got a date
with her.
Copy !req
624. You got a date with Becky Gelke?
Copy !req
625. You got a date with Becky Gelke?
Copy !req
626. Yeah, I'm going out with her
Saturday night.
Copy !req
627. Jerry, can we
get out of here?
Copy !req
628. As a matter of fact,
if it wasn't for you,
Copy !req
629. I wouldn't have even had
an excuse to talk to her.
Copy !req
630. Well, I'm happy to help
in any way that I can.
Copy !req
631. Liz Taylor...
Copy !req
632. A man is paralyzed mentally
by a beautiful woman,
Copy !req
633. A man is paralyzed mentally
by a beautiful woman,
Copy !req
634. and advertisers
really take advantage of this.
Copy !req
635. Don't you love those ads
Copy !req
636. where you see, like,
the woman in the bikini
Copy !req
637. next to the 32-piece
ratchet set?
Copy !req
638. You know, and she's—
Copy !req
639. You know, we'll be looking
at the girl in the bikini,
Copy !req
640. looking at the ratchet set,
Copy !req
641. going, "All right,
Copy !req
642. "Well, if she's right next
to the ratchet set,
Copy !req
643. "and I had that ratchet set,
Copy !req
644. I wonder
if that would mean that..."
Copy !req
645. "I'd better just buy
that ratchet set."
Copy !req
646. "I'd better just buy
that ratchet set."
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