1. Good evening. Welcome to the show.
The extra buttons.Copy !req
2. Yeah.Copy !req
3. What kind of a sicko, really,
would save these...Copy !req
4. have them in a huge file?Copy !req
5. Drawers that wide.
You know, you just...Copy !req
6. "Where the hell is that but—"Copy !req
7. I mean, is it that hard to get
black, round buttons...Copy !req
8. that they make it
into a whole thing?Copy !req
9. Like this is such a great jacket.Copy !req
10. These buttons are so unique,
so one-of-a-kind.Copy !req
11. You'll never find them.
We'll save you the trouble...Copy !req
12. of knocking your brains out.
We know they're going to fall off too.Copy !req
13. That's the other point that
they're trying to make here.Copy !req
14. Everyone in my family's creative.Copy !req
15. And even though I'm working
as an accountant right now...Copy !req
16. I'd really like to eventually
work exclusively...Copy !req
17. on my papier-mâché hats.Copy !req
18. I don't understand.
Papier-mâché hats?Copy !req
19. What if it rains?Copy !req
20. They're art.
You hang them on the wall.Copy !req
21. Art.Copy !req
22. It's my creative outlet,
one of my passions.Copy !req
23. Any money in it?Copy !req
24. "Who so belongs only to his age...Copy !req
25. reverences only its popinjays
and mumbo jumbos."Copy !req
26. Of course. Right.Copy !req
27. - Thomas Carlyle, 1864.
- Tommy C.Copy !req
28. These are the receipts from '85.Copy !req
29. - And I'm gonna do '86.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
30. I thought it was a legitimate charity.
I didn't know you'd get audited.Copy !req
31. I don't blame you. I blame myself.Copy !req
32. - No, blame me.
- Okay, I blame you.Copy !req
33. - No, no, don't blame me.
- What was I supposed to do?Copy !req
34. I was on my first date with Elaine.Copy !req
35. You come barging in here,
asking me to contribute money...Copy !req
36. to a volcano relief fund
for Krakatoa.Copy !req
37. It was supposed to erupt.Copy !req
38. I find the whole thing embarrassing.Copy !req
39. Well, you know what
my feelings are about this.Copy !req
40. I don't even pay taxes.Copy !req
41. Yeah. That's easy when
you have no income.Copy !req
42. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
43. Kramer, do me a favour, will you?Copy !req
44. If you insist on making pasta
in my apartment...Copy !req
45. please don't put the tomato sauce
on the pasta while it's in the strainer.Copy !req
46. All the little squares have
hardened red sauce in them.Copy !req
47. What's so funny?Copy !req
48. Oh, I don't know. Kramer dating
your roommate, it's funny.Copy !req
49. It's a riot, Alice.Copy !req
50. When do you put the sauce on?Copy !req
51. Any other time.Copy !req
52. No, no, no. I like to strain the sauce.Copy !req
53. And I could really live without...Copy !req
54. the tribal music and the make-out
sessions in the living room.Copy !req
55. Yeah, Tina likes the couch.Copy !req
56. - What are you doing? What is all this?
- Oh, he's helping me sort my receipts.Copy !req
57. I'm being audited.Copy !req
58. You're being audited? What for?Copy !req
59. Oh, I contributed money to a charity
that turned out to be fraudulent.Copy !req
60. - It's really very boring.
- When was this?Copy !req
61. A long, long time ago...Copy !req
62. in a galaxy far, far away.Copy !req
63. I remember you donated to some
volcano thing on our first date.Copy !req
64. Volcano? Really?Copy !req
65. Oh, wait a minute.
Don't tell me that that was—Copy !req
66. Something to drink?Copy !req
67. What, did you think
that would impress me?Copy !req
68. You've got me all wrong.Copy !req
69. I was thinking only
of the poor Krakatoan.Copy !req
70. Like you'd make this donation
for 50 bucks...Copy !req
71. and I'd start tearing my clothes off?Copy !req
72. Those brave Krakatoans...Copy !req
73. east of Java...Copy !req
74. who sacrificed so much,
for so long.Copy !req
75. Now you're being audited
because of it.Copy !req
76. - See, that's karma.
- No, that's Kramer.Copy !req
77. - So, what are you gonna do?
- It's all taken care of.Copy !req
78. How is that?Copy !req
79. An old friend of mine,
whom you may have met...Copy !req
80. George Costanza,
has recently become intimate...Copy !req
81. with a female accountant
who was formerly...Copy !req
82. a highly placed official
with a little outfit...Copy !req
83. known as the IRS.Copy !req
84. And as we speak,
at this very moment...Copy !req
85. he is handing over to her
all of my pertinent tax information...Copy !req
86. and she has assured us...Copy !req
87. that the matter is well within
her field of expertise.Copy !req
88. Why is she doing this?Copy !req
89. I don't know. It must be love.Copy !req
90. I don't think we should see
each other anymore.Copy !req
91. You're great...Copy !req
92. but I'm riddled
with personal problems.Copy !req
93. - What's wrong? What did I do?
- Nothing. It's not you.Copy !req
94. It's me. I have a fear of commitment.Copy !req
95. - I don't know how to love.
- You hate my earrings, don't you?Copy !req
96. - No, no.
- And you didn't comment...Copy !req
97. on the chopsticks.Copy !req
98. I love the chopsticks. I personally
prefer a fork, but they look very nice.Copy !req
99. You're not telling me the truth.
I must have done something.Copy !req
100. - I have a fear of intimacy. I—
- Don't give me clichés.Copy !req
101. I have a right to know.
What did I do?Copy !req
102. Nothing. It's not you.Copy !req
103. I want the truth!Copy !req
104. The truth? You want the truth?Copy !req
105. It is your earrings!Copy !req
106. It is your chopsticks.Copy !req
107. But it's so much more.
You're pretentious.Copy !req
108. You call everyone by their full name.Copy !req
109. You called my doorman Sammy,
"Samuel."Copy !req
110. But you didn't even say Samuel.
You went "Samuel."Copy !req
111. Papier-mâché?Copy !req
112. What is papier-mâché?Copy !req
113. Keep going.Copy !req
114. I think I made my point.Copy !req
115. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.Copy !req
116. No. I asked for the truth.Copy !req
117. Thank you for being so honest.Copy !req
118. Can I...?Copy !req
119. - Can I walk you back to work?
- I really prefer to go alone.Copy !req
120. How much do I owe?Copy !req
121. Oh, please.Copy !req
122. Four dollars is fine.Copy !req
123. If this audit had happened to me and
I didn't have this woman to help me...Copy !req
124. I would've killed this man. I would've
strangled him with my bare hands.Copy !req
125. - I don't blame you.
- Ever been through an audit?Copy !req
126. - No.
- It's hell.Copy !req
127. It's the financial equivalent
of a complete rectal examination.Copy !req
128. I would've killed this man.Copy !req
129. Torn him limb from limb.Copy !req
130. Ripped the flesh right off his bones.Copy !req
131. - Yeah?
- It's George.Copy !req
132. Come on up.Copy !req
133. There he is, the man himself...Copy !req
134. George Louis Costanza.Copy !req
135. Here I am, about to go
to the electric chair...Copy !req
136. and my oldest friend
is dating the governor.Copy !req
137. My whole life has been
a complete waste of time.Copy !req
138. And there's so much more to go.Copy !req
139. Now I know what I'm supposed
to do. It is so simple.Copy !req
140. Tell the truth. That's all.
Just tell the truth.Copy !req
141. - You give her my tax papers?
- What?Copy !req
142. My papers?Copy !req
143. What?Copy !req
144. Oh, the papers.Copy !req
145. - You didn't give her the papers?
- No, I did.Copy !req
146. So?Copy !req
147. I broke up with her.Copy !req
148. - You what?
- I broke up with her.Copy !req
149. I'm being audited...Copy !req
150. - ... and you broke up with her?
- It's okay. It's fine.Copy !req
151. - She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.
- Why? Why will she still do it?Copy !req
152. She hates you now. People don't
do you favours after you dump them.Copy !req
153. No, no. We left on good terms.Copy !req
154. How is that possible?Copy !req
155. Because I—
I told her the truth.Copy !req
156. - Oh, my God.
- Okay.Copy !req
157. - It's unheard of.
- She asked me to.Copy !req
158. So you lie.Copy !req
159. - What did you tell her?
- I told her that she was pretentious.Copy !req
160. Pretentious?Copy !req
161. The woman has my tax papers.
You told her she's pretentious?Copy !req
162. The IRS...Copy !req
163. they're like the Mafia.
They take anything they want.Copy !req
164. How would you like it if
someone told you the truth?Copy !req
165. - What? What could they say?
- There are plenty of things to say.Copy !req
166. Like what? I'm bald?
What is it specifically?Copy !req
167. Is there an odour I'm not aware of?Copy !req
168. - George, please.
- Give me one.Copy !req
169. - You sure?
- Yes.Copy !req
170. Okay.Copy !req
171. You're extremely...Copy !req
172. careful with money.Copy !req
173. I'm what?Copy !req
174. - Forget it.
- I'm cheap? You think I'm cheap?Copy !req
175. How could you say that to me?
I can't believe this!Copy !req
176. - How could you say that to me?
- You asked me to.Copy !req
177. - You should've lied.
- So should you!Copy !req
178. Okay, wait a second.
What happened to my papers?Copy !req
179. - I'm not really working right now.
- I know.Copy !req
180. When I was working, I spent, baby!Copy !req
181. Yeah, I know.
Champagne, limos, cigars.Copy !req
182. What happened to the papers?Copy !req
183. She put them in her pocketbook.
I guess she took them.Copy !req
184. - A pocketbook or a handbag?
- Is that relevant? She took them.Copy !req
185. Call her office.Copy !req
186. Give me the phone.Copy !req
187. Yeah, hi, I'd like to speak to Patrice.Copy !req
188. What?Copy !req
189. Oh, really.Copy !req
190. Oh, okay. Thank you.Copy !req
191. What? What?Copy !req
192. She never came back from lunch.Copy !req
193. This is no good.Copy !req
194. This is no good.Copy !req
195. Call her house.Copy !req
196. Hi. Are you okay?Copy !req
197. No, no. No—Copy !req
198. She hung up.Copy !req
199. Not good.Copy !req
200. All right, look,
there's nothing to be worried about.Copy !req
201. She's just a little annoyed right now.Copy !req
202. Tomorrow, I'll personally
go over there.Copy !req
203. I'll apologize. I'll get the papers.Copy !req
204. Don't worry. Don't worry.Copy !req
205. Not good.Copy !req
206. Yeah, it's a windshield.Copy !req
207. I can see that. What's it for?Copy !req
208. I found it on the road.Copy !req
209. - Yeah?
- I just finished working out.Copy !req
210. - Are you busy?
- No. Come on up.Copy !req
211. Can you believe somebody
threw this out?Copy !req
212. I'm gonna make a coffee table
out of this and surprise Tina.Copy !req
213. Well, wouldn't it be invisible?Copy !req
214. I mean, what, are you gonna just
sense it's in front of the couch?Copy !req
215. Well...Copy !req
216. Hello.Copy !req
217. Hello.Copy !req
218. What's with you two?Copy !req
219. - You haven't told him?
- Told me what?Copy !req
220. Go ahead, tell him.Copy !req
221. I saw her naked.Copy !req
222. He saw me naked.Copy !req
223. Kramer saw me naked.Copy !req
224. Well, it was an accident.Copy !req
225. Who walks into a woman's bedroom
without knocking? I wanna know.Copy !req
226. I thought it was a closet.Copy !req
227. Completely naked?Copy !req
228. Completely naked.Copy !req
229. Jerry, how can I go on?Copy !req
230. All right, if it's gonna make you feel
any better, you can see me naked.Copy !req
231. No, thank you.Copy !req
232. - No, I want you to see me naked.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
233. - I wanna show you.
- No! Jerry!Copy !req
234. Hold it. Just a second.Copy !req
235. Let's not lose our heads here.Copy !req
236. Kramer, you know you're always
welcome in my home...Copy !req
237. but as far as Mr. Johnson
is concerned...Copy !req
238. that's another story.Copy !req
239. - What is this?
- It's a windshield.Copy !req
240. It's going to be
your new coffee table.Copy !req
241. I'm gonna kill myself on that thing.
You can't even see it.Copy !req
242. You'll sense it.Copy !req
243. Well? What happened?
Was she there?Copy !req
244. No. No, she wasn't.Copy !req
245. - You didn't get my papers?
- No, I didn't.Copy !req
246. Well, where is she?Copy !req
247. A mental institution.Copy !req
248. Why is it so difficult,
uncomfortable to be naked?Copy !req
249. It's because we have clothes on...Copy !req
250. you can always make those little
adjustments, which people love to do.Copy !req
251. You feel like you're getting it together.
"Yeah, I look pretty good.Copy !req
252. Feeling good, looking good."Copy !req
253. But when you're naked, it's like—
It's so final. You're just, "Well...Copy !req
254. that's it.Copy !req
255. There's nothing else I can do."Copy !req
256. That's why I like to wear
a belt when I'm naked.Copy !req
257. Because I feel
it gives me something.Copy !req
258. Some, you know,
"I'm naked, but, you know..."Copy !req
259. I'd like to get pockets to hang
off of the belt. That would be—Copy !req
260. Wouldn't that be the ultimate thing?Copy !req
261. To be naked
and still be able to do this.Copy !req
262. I think that would really help a lot.Copy !req
263. A mental institution?Copy !req
264. You know what they do in there?
Did you see Cuckoo's Nest?Copy !req
265. They put those electrodes
in your head.Copy !req
266. It's not really a mental institution.Copy !req
267. It's more like a depression clinic.Copy !req
268. She went out to Woodhaven and
checked herself in. I'm sick over this.Copy !req
269. - Who told you this?
- Her roommate.Copy !req
270. I've driven women
to lesbianism before...Copy !req
271. but never to a mental institution.Copy !req
272. My friend Bob Sacamano
had shock treatments.Copy !req
273. But his synapses were so large,
had no effect.Copy !req
274. You know, I hate to raise
a crass financial concern...Copy !req
275. but was there any information
as to the whereabouts of my papers?Copy !req
276. She put them in her pocketbook. She
probably took them out there with her.Copy !req
277. - So, what now?
- I don't know.Copy !req
278. Can we go out there?Copy !req
279. - Where?
- Woodhaven.Copy !req
280. We could.Copy !req
281. I'm very nervous about this.Copy !req
282. I've never spoken
to a mental patient before.Copy !req
283. My cousin Douglas
was in a place like this one time.Copy !req
284. Came over to my house for dinner,
there was no soda...Copy !req
285. and he went berserk.Copy !req
286. He was screaming, "Where's
the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?"Copy !req
287. I should be in a place like this.Copy !req
288. I envy this woman.Copy !req
289. Get to wear slippers all day.Copy !req
290. Friends visit, they pity you.Copy !req
291. Pity's very underrated. I like it.
It's good.Copy !req
292. Plus, they give you those word-
association tests. I love those.Copy !req
293. They're great.
There's no wrong answer.Copy !req
294. - Potato.
- Tuberculosis.Copy !req
295. - Blanket.
- Leroy.Copy !req
296. - Grass.
- Tuberculosis.Copy !req
297. Oh, boy. Here she comes.Copy !req
298. Oh, my God.Copy !req
299. Oh, Kram...Copy !req
300. Kramer! Kramer, could you please...Copy !req
301. put something on?Copy !req
302. Well... Oh, boy.Copy !req
303. Listen, you want some leftovers?Copy !req
304. I made some African food.
There's yambalas and sambusa.Copy !req
305. Sweetie.Copy !req
306. - Are you coming back to bed?
- Yeah, yeah. I'll be right there, babe.Copy !req
307. Hi, Elaine.Copy !req
308. What did you think
of the coffee table?Copy !req
309. It's invisible.Copy !req
310. So is everything cool or what?Copy !req
311. Yeah, you seem
a little bit dysfunctional.Copy !req
312. - Well...
- Come on, Elaine...Copy !req
313. just tell us the truth.Copy !req
314. The truth?Copy !req
315. You want the truth?Copy !req
316. Who are you?Copy !req
317. This is my friend...Copy !req
318. Jerry.Copy !req
319. Why are you talking like that?Copy !req
320. And what do you want?Copy !req
321. Want? What could I possibly want?Copy !req
322. I just came because I heard so many
nice things about you from George.Copy !req
323. George thinks I'm pretentious.Copy !req
324. Pretentious. Who isn't pretentious?
I mean...Copy !req
325. if everyone that was pretentious
was in a mental institution—Copy !req
326. Obviously,
this isn't a mental institution.Copy !req
327. You're trying to take it back because
you're feeling guilty I'm in here.Copy !req
328. - No, that's not it at all.
- Don't lie, George!Copy !req
329. I'm not a liar.Copy !req
330. We're cool. Everything's cool.Copy !req
331. - No problem. We're good.
- Just chatting.Copy !req
332. Very friendly.Copy !req
333. Alrighty.Copy !req
334. No reason for us to raise our voices.Copy !req
335. I know what you said.
You can't change that.Copy !req
336. What I said.
I say stupid things all the time.Copy !req
337. I can't go two minutes
without saying something dumb.Copy !req
338. It's one stupid thing after another.Copy !req
339. So let me ask you, when you come
to one of these places...Copy !req
340. do you bring your pocketbook?Copy !req
341. You should be the one criticizing me.Copy !req
342. I'm lucky to even know
someone like you.Copy !req
343. - Do you mean that?
- Of course.Copy !req
344. - I'm incapable of guile.
- He's never guiled.Copy !req
345. You know, some women keep a lot of
important papers in their pocketbooks.Copy !req
346. Like, for example...Copy !req
347. someone else's
personal financial papers.Copy !req
348. Papers.Copy !req
349. Oh, Jerry. You're the Jerome
with the tax problem.Copy !req
350. You know,
after that date with George...Copy !req
351. I got so cuckoo,
I threw out all your papers.Copy !req
352. So I'd love to help you,
but I'll just need the copies.Copy !req
353. There are no copies.Copy !req
354. So...Copy !req
355. are you saying you want
to continue seeing me?Copy !req
356. Who makes copies?Copy !req
357. The truth is...Copy !req
358. I think...Copy !req
359. you make a very nice couple.Copy !req
360. Oh, Kramer.Copy !req
361. - Here, Kramer?
- No, no.Copy !req
362. Let's go to the couch.Copy !req
363. Yes, I'm trying to get
a copy of a receipt...Copy !req
364. for a computer that I bought there.Copy !req
365. It was 1987.Copy !req
366. I remember I talked to a guy,
had, like, a maroon sport jacket...Copy !req
367. and he might have had a toupee.
Oh, it was a weave?Copy !req
368. Okay, well, then I'll come by.Copy !req
369. Okay, bye.Copy !req
370. Anybody want to take a walk down
to 48th Street?Copy !req
371. I think I may have tracked
down another receipt.Copy !req
372. I can't. I got to go visit Tina
in the hospital.Copy !req
373. - George?
- I'm going to a poetry reading...Copy !req
374. with Patrice.Copy !req
375. First-time poets.Copy !req
376. It's in a burnt-out building
down by the docks.Copy !req
377. It's supposed to be good.Copy !req
378. Are you going to the hospital now?Copy !req
379. - Yeah, I suppose I am.
- All right. Great, great.Copy !req
380. We'll share a cab.Copy !req
381. You going by 48th.
You can give me a ride.Copy !req
382. I'm getting in on that.Copy !req
383. - Yeah.
- You know you're chipping in.Copy !req
384. You're going that way anyway!Copy !req
385. Come on.Copy !req
386. I was audited last year.
I have been through an audit.Copy !req
387. At first, I thought, "Well,
IRS kind of sounds like Toys 'R' Us.Copy !req
388. Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe they
have a sense of fun about it."Copy !req
389. You know?
But it's bad. It's an ordeal.Copy !req
390. And they don't do anything
to keep your spirits up...Copy !req
391. through the ordeal.Copy !req
392. I think they should take all
your receipts and put them...Copy !req
393. in one of those big,
Lucite sweepstake drums...Copy !req
394. and just kind of crank
it around there.Copy !req
395. Give you a feeling like you might win
something. You know what I mean?Copy !req
396. Then they can pull them out and go:Copy !req
397. "Oh, I'm sorry.
That's another illegal deduction...Copy !req
398. but we do have some lovely
parting gifts for you. Jail."Copy !req