1. At the health club,
people are working out...Copy !req
2. and they're training,
getting in shape...Copy !req
3. but strangely, nobody's really
getting in shape for anything.Copy !req
4. The only reason that you're
getting in shape...Copy !req
5. is that so you can get through
the workout.Copy !req
6. So we're working out...Copy !req
7. so that we'll be in shape
for when we have to do our exercise.Copy !req
8. This is the whole thing.Copy !req
9. The other thing I don't get
is why we're so careful...Copy !req
10. about locking up our dirty towels
and smelly jockstraps.Copy !req
11. What exactly is the black market
on these disgusting gym clothes?Copy !req
12. I'll give my car to any guy
in front of a restaurant...Copy !req
13. because he's got a short
red jacket.Copy !req
14. "He must be the valet guy."Copy !req
15. But my stinking,
putrefied gym clothes...Copy !req
16. I got one of these locks...Copy !req
17. you could put a bullet through it
and it won't open.Copy !req
18. That stuff is safe.Copy !req
19. Wide open!
I was wide-open underneath.Copy !req
20. I had three inches on that guy.Copy !req
21. See, you two were hogging the ball.Copy !req
22. Me? It wasn't me.
I never even saw the ball.Copy !req
23. All you do is dribble.Copy !req
24. I have to dribble. If I give it to you,
you just shoot. You're a chucker.Copy !req
25. - Oh, I'm a chucker.
- That's right.Copy !req
26. Every time you get the ball,
you shoot.Copy !req
27. I can't believe you
called me a chucker.Copy !req
28. No way I'm a chucker! I do not chuck.
Never chuck!Copy !req
29. Never have chucked!
Never will chuck! No chuck!Copy !req
30. You chuck.Copy !req
31. - Kramer, am I a chucker?
- Oh, you're a chucker.Copy !req
32. My God, I'm a chucker.Copy !req
33. - All these years, you never told me?
- It's not an easy thing to bring up.Copy !req
34. Hey, you know, this is the first time
we ever saw each other naked?Copy !req
35. Believe me, I didn't see anything.Copy !req
36. Oh, you didn't sneak a peek?Copy !req
37. - No. Did you?
- Yeah, I snuck a peek.Copy !req
38. - Why?
- Why not?Copy !req
39. What about you, George?Copy !req
40. Yeah, I...Copy !req
41. snuck a peek.Copy !req
42. But it was so fast, I didn't see
anything. It was just a blur.Copy !req
43. I made a conscious effort not to look.Copy !req
44. There's certain information
I just don't wanna have.Copy !req
45. Okay...Copy !req
46. I gotta go meet Newman.Copy !req
47. - I'll see you later. Have a good one.
- All right.Copy !req
48. Yeah.Copy !req
49. Look at this guy.Copy !req
50. Does he have to stretch in here?Copy !req
51. - You know who that is?
- Who?Copy !req
52. That's Keith Hernandez.Copy !req
53. Keith Hernandez,
the baseball player?Copy !req
54. Yeah, that's him.Copy !req
55. - Are you sure?
- Positive.Copy !req
56. Wow! Keith Hernandez!Copy !req
57. - He's such a great player.
- Yeah.Copy !req
58. He's a real smart guy too.
He's a Civil War buff.Copy !req
59. Wow, I'd love to be a Civil War buff.Copy !req
60. What do you have to do
to become a buff?Copy !req
61. So Biff wants to be a buff?Copy !req
62. Well, sleeping less than 18 hours
a day would be a start.Copy !req
63. I only got two weeks left
of unemployment.Copy !req
64. I gotta prove I've been looking
for a job to get an extension.Copy !req
65. Hey, should we say something
to him?Copy !req
66. Oh, I'm sure he loves to hear
from fans in the locker room.Copy !req
67. Well, he could say hello to me.
I wouldn't mind.Copy !req
68. He's Keith Hernandez.Copy !req
69. You're Jerry Seinfeld.Copy !req
70. - So?
- What, you're comparing yourself...Copy !req
71. to Keith Hernandez?Copy !req
72. The guy's a baseball player,
Jerry, baseball!Copy !req
73. I know what he is. I recognized him.
You didn't even notice him.Copy !req
74. What, you're making some wisecracks
in a nightclub?Copy !req
75. The guy was in game six, two runs
down, two outs, facing elimination!Copy !req
76. Excuse me.Copy !req
77. I don't want to disturb you.
I'm Keith Hernandez.Copy !req
78. And I just want to tell you what
a big fan I am. I love your comedy.Copy !req
79. - Really?
- I've always wanted to do what you do.Copy !req
80. Do what I do? You're one
of my favorite ballplayers of all time!Copy !req
81. Mine too.Copy !req
82. - I love that bit about Jimmy Olsen.
- Really?Copy !req
83. Thank you.Copy !req
84. You know, Keith,
what I've always wondered is...Copy !req
85. with all these ball clubs
flying around all season...Copy !req
86. wouldn't you think
there'd be a plane crash?Copy !req
87. Are you performing in New York now?Copy !req
88. At this club on the East Side.
You should come in.Copy !req
89. But think about it:
26 teams, 162 games a season.Copy !req
90. You'd think eventually, an entire team
would just get wiped out.Copy !req
91. I live on the East Side.Copy !req
92. I'll give you my number...Copy !req
93. and just tell me whenever
you want to go.Copy !req
94. - Or maybe just get together for coffee.
- Oh, that'd be great.Copy !req
95. Well, it's only a matter of time.Copy !req
96. Who's this chucker?Copy !req
97. It's been three days,
and he hasn't called.Copy !req
98. Well, maybe you should call him.Copy !req
99. I can't. I can't.Copy !req
100. - Why not?
- I just feel like he should call me.Copy !req
101. What's the difference?Copy !req
102. You don't understand, Elaine.
I don't want to be overanxious.Copy !req
103. If he wants to see me,
he has my number. He should call.Copy !req
104. God, look at this ashtray.
I hate cigarettes.Copy !req
105. I can't stand these guys.Copy !req
106. You give your number to them,
and then they don't call.Copy !req
107. Why do they do that?Copy !req
108. I'm sorry, honey.Copy !req
109. I mean, I really thought he liked me.
We were getting along.Copy !req
110. He came over to me.
I didn't go over to him.Copy !req
111. - I know.
- Why did he come over to me?Copy !req
112. I mean, here I meet this great guy,
this ballplayer...Copy !req
113. - ... best guy I ever met.
- Yeah. I know.Copy !req
114. Well, that's it. I'm never giving
my number out to another guy again.Copy !req
115. I've given my number out to guys,
and it takes them a month to call.Copy !req
116. Good. Good.
Well, if he's calling in a month...Copy !req
117. he's got a prayer.Copy !req
118. You know, maybe he's been busy.
Maybe he's been out of town.Copy !req
119. Oh, what, they don't have phones
out of town?Copy !req
120. I love how people say
they're too busy. "Too busy."Copy !req
121. Pick up a phone!Copy !req
122. Takes two minutes.
How can you be too busy?Copy !req
123. - Why don't you just go and call him?
- I can't call here. It's a coffee shop.Copy !req
124. - I mean, what am I gonna say to him?
- Just ask if he wants to get together.Copy !req
125. For what, dinner?Copy !req
126. Dinner's good.Copy !req
127. Don't you think that's coming on a little
too strong? Isn't that, like, a turnoff?Copy !req
128. Jerry, he's a guy.Copy !req
129. I know, but this is all very confusing.Copy !req
130. When you're in your 30s,
it's very hard to make a new friend.Copy !req
131. Whatever the group is you've got now,
that's who you're going with.Copy !req
132. You're not interviewing,
not looking at any new people.Copy !req
133. You're not interested in seeing
any applications.Copy !req
134. They don't know the places.
They don't know the foods.Copy !req
135. They don't know the activities.Copy !req
136. If I meet a guy at a club or a gym:
"Hey, look, I'm sure you're very nice.Copy !req
137. You seem to have a lot of potential.
We're just not hiring right now."Copy !req
138. When you're a kid...Copy !req
139. you can be friends with anybody.
Remember when you're a little kid...Copy !req
140. what are the qualifications? "If
someone's in front of my house...Copy !req
141. that's my friend.
They're my friend. That's it.Copy !req
142. Are you a grownup?
No? Great. Come on in!Copy !req
143. Let's jump up and down on my bed!"
And if you have anything in common:Copy !req
144. "You like cherry soda? I like
cherry soda! We'll be best friends!"Copy !req
145. You only have two more weeks
before your benefits run out.Copy !req
146. Yes, and I was hoping, perhaps,
to get...Copy !req
147. a 13-week extension,
if that's possible.Copy !req
148. So where have you been looking
for work?Copy !req
149. You know what I've discovered,
Mrs. Sokol?Copy !req
150. It's not so much the looking...Copy !req
151. as the listening.Copy !req
152. I listen for work.
As I'm looking...Copy !req
153. and listening— I'm also looking.
You cannot discount looking.Copy !req
154. It's a combination.
It's looking. And listening.Copy !req
155. Listening. And looking.
But you must look.Copy !req
156. Can you be specific
about any of these companies?Copy !req
157. Specific. Let's see...Copy !req
158. I've walked in and out
of so many buildings.Copy !req
159. They all blend in together.Copy !req
160. Just give me one name.Copy !req
161. One name. Absolutely.Copy !req
162. Let's see, there's...Copy !req
163. Vandalay Industries.Copy !req
164. I just saw them. I got very close there.
Very close.Copy !req
165. What type of company is that?Copy !req
166. Latex. Latex manufacturing,
Mrs. Sokol.Copy !req
167. - And you interviewed there?
- Yes, for a sales position.Copy !req
168. Latex salesman.Copy !req
169. The selling of latex
and latex-related products.Copy !req
170. They just wouldn't give me a chance.
Damn it!Copy !req
171. Now I'm going to need an address
and a phone number for this...Copy !req
172. Vandalay company.Copy !req
173. You like gum?Copy !req
174. Because I have a friend in the gum
business. I got a gum guy!Copy !req
175. I make one phone call, have boxes
of gum delivered right to your door.Copy !req
176. The address?Copy !req
177. The address is...Copy !req
178. Jose Jimenez.
Do you recognize that?Copy !req
179. - No.
- Jose Jimenez.Copy !req
180. Very funny.
Really, he's very funny.Copy !req
181. The address.Copy !req
182. Vandalay is...Copy !req
183. 129 West 81st Street.
It's a very small industry, Vandalay.Copy !req
184. It's why I wanted
to work for them.Copy !req
185. A phone number.Copy !req
186. That's... KL5...Copy !req
187. 8383. Are you planning on
calling them soon?Copy !req
188. Because they have
very strange hours.Copy !req
189. As soon as I'm done with you.Copy !req
190. Sure. Well...Copy !req
191. You know, I'll check in with you
next week.Copy !req
192. I gotta run now because
I got a full plate this afternoon.Copy !req
193. - Okay.
- All right. Really good to...Copy !req
194. He'll call you back!Copy !req
195. It's a par five.Copy !req
196. So, you know, I step up to the tee...Copy !req
197. and I hit a beautiful drive
right down the middle of the fairway.Copy !req
198. - I mean, you know my hook, right?
- Elaine?Copy !req
199. How about this shirt?
Is this okay?Copy !req
200. Jerry, he's a guy.Copy !req
201. Well, it's a dogleg left,
so I play the hook.Copy !req
202. Wait, hold on.
There's another call.Copy !req
203. - Jerry! Jerry!
- George?Copy !req
204. - Kramer, put Jerry on!
- I'm in the middle of something.Copy !req
205. - Call back.
- Kramer, no—!Copy !req
206. So the ball takes off,
and I'm waiting for it to turn.Copy !req
207. Would you—!Copy !req
208. All right. Well, I'll talk to Jerry.
Yeah.Copy !req
209. Hey, that was Michael and Carol.Copy !req
210. She's wondering when
we'll go see the baby.Copy !req
211. - See the baby. Again with the baby.
- Who are they?Copy !req
212. A guy who used to live in the building
keeps calling us to see the baby.Copy !req
213. "You gotta see the baby.
When are you gonna see the baby?"Copy !req
214. Can't they just send us a tape?Copy !req
215. Maybe if you wait a few months,
it won't be a baby anymore.Copy !req
216. - Then you won't have to see it.
- Because he'll be all grown-up.Copy !req
217. Yeah...Copy !req
218. Hey, Kramer, what do you think
of this shirt?Copy !req
219. It's too busy.Copy !req
220. You're trying too hard
to make an impression on him.Copy !req
221. - You're not being yourself.
- What guy?Copy !req
222. I know he's just a guy,
but I really like him.Copy !req
223. Who are you talking about?Copy !req
224. Keith... Hernandez.Copy !req
225. Keith Hernandez?Copy !req
226. Keith Hernandez!Copy !req
227. Do me a favor, would you?
Would you change lanes?Copy !req
228. You gotta get out of this lane.
This lane stinks.Copy !req
229. They're all double-parked.
Get out, I'm begging you.Copy !req
230. Please. Please!Copy !req
231. You know what?Copy !req
232. Bad mistake. My mistake.Copy !req
233. Go back. Your lane was better.
Forget this lane.Copy !req
234. This lane stinks. Go back to your lane.
Go ahead. Bad mistake.Copy !req
235. Go! Go! Go! Make this light!
Make this light! Oh, man!Copy !req
236. That's it! Get out!Copy !req
237. - What do you mean, get out?
- Get out of the cab!Copy !req
238. What? I'm not getting out of this cab.Copy !req
239. No! No! You cannot throw me out!Copy !req
240. No! Get...Copy !req
241. Hello, Newman.Copy !req
242. I hate Keith Hernandez.Copy !req
243. - Hate him!
- I despise him.Copy !req
244. - Why?
- Why? I'll tell you why.Copy !req
245. - Let me tell her.
- No, you can't—Copy !req
246. - You always tell.
- All right, tell it.Copy !req
247. - Just tell it.
- All right.Copy !req
248. June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies.Copy !req
249. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon
in the right-field stands...Copy !req
250. when a crucial Hernandez error
opens the door...Copy !req
251. to a five-run Phillies ninth.
Cost the Mets the game!Copy !req
252. Our day was ruined.Copy !req
253. There was a lot of people waiting
by the players' parking lot.Copy !req
254. Now we're coming down the ramp.Copy !req
255. Newman was in front of me.Copy !req
256. Hernandez was coming toward us.Copy !req
257. As he passes us, Newman turns
and says, "Nice game, pretty boy."Copy !req
258. Hernandez continued past us
up the ramp.Copy !req
259. Then, a second later,
something happened...Copy !req
260. that changed us in a very deep
and profound way...Copy !req
261. from that day forward.Copy !req
262. - What was it?
- He spit on us!Copy !req
263. And I screamed out, "I'm hit!"Copy !req
264. Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted
off him, and it hit me.Copy !req
265. What a story.Copy !req
266. Unfortunately, the immutable laws
of physics contradict...Copy !req
267. the whole premise of your account.Copy !req
268. Allow me to reconstruct this,
if I may, for Ms. Benes...Copy !req
269. as I've heard this story
a number of times.Copy !req
270. Newman, Kramer,
if you'll indulge me.Copy !req
271. According to your story...Copy !req
272. Hernandez passes you
and starts walking up the ramp.Copy !req
273. Then you say you were struck...Copy !req
274. on the right temple.Copy !req
275. The spit then proceeds to ricochet...Copy !req
276. off the temple, striking Newman
between the third and the fourth rib.Copy !req
277. The spit then came off the rib...Copy !req
278. made a right turn,
hitting Newman in the right wrist...Copy !req
279. causing him to drop
his baseball cap.Copy !req
280. The spit then splashed off the wrist,
pauses...Copy !req
281. in midair, mind you...Copy !req
282. makes a left turn and lands
on Newman's left thigh.Copy !req
283. That is one magic loogie.Copy !req
284. Well, that's the way it happened.Copy !req
285. What happened to your head
when you got hit?Copy !req
286. Well, my head...Copy !req
287. went back, to the left.Copy !req
288. - Say that again.
- Back and to the left.Copy !req
289. Back and to the left.Copy !req
290. Back and to the left.Copy !req
291. So, what are you saying?Copy !req
292. I'm saying...Copy !req
293. that the spit could not have
come from behind.Copy !req
294. That there had to have been
a second spitter.Copy !req
295. Behind the bushes,
on the gravelly road.Copy !req
296. If the spitter was behind you,
as you claim...Copy !req
297. that would've caused your head
to pitch forward.Copy !req
298. So the spit could've only come
from the front and to the right.Copy !req
299. But that's not what they
would have you believe.Copy !req
300. I'm leaving.Copy !req
301. Jerry's a nut.Copy !req
302. Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
303. The sad thing is,
we may never know the real truth.Copy !req
304. Did anybody call
asking for Vandalay Industries?Copy !req
305. - No, what happened to you?
- All right, listen closely:Copy !req
306. I was at the unemployment office.Copy !req
307. I told them I was very close to getting
a job with Vandalay Industries...Copy !req
308. and I gave them your phone number.
So when the phone rings...Copy !req
309. you have to answer,
"Vandalay Industries."Copy !req
310. - I'm Vandalay Industries?
- Right.Copy !req
311. - What is that?
- You're in latex.Copy !req
312. - Latex?
- Right.Copy !req
313. - What do I do with latex?
- I don't know! You manufacture it!Copy !req
314. - Right here in this little apartment?
- And what do I say about you?Copy !req
315. You're considering hiring me
for your latex salesman.Copy !req
316. - I'll hire you as my latex salesman?
- Right.Copy !req
317. I don't think so.Copy !req
318. Why would I do that?Copy !req
319. Because I asked you to.Copy !req
320. If you think I'm looking for someone
to just sit...Copy !req
321. pushing papers around,
you can forget it.Copy !req
322. I've got enough headaches
just trying to manufacture the stuff.Copy !req
323. - Yeah?
- It's Keith.Copy !req
324. All right, we're coming down.Copy !req
325. Keith Hernandez?Copy !req
326. - Yeah. Come on, Elaine, let's go.
- Where are you going?Copy !req
327. They're giving me a ride downtown.Copy !req
328. You know, there had to have been
a second spitter. Who was it?Copy !req
329. Who had the motive?Copy !req
330. That's what I've been trying
to figure out the past five years.Copy !req
331. What the hell are you two
talking about?Copy !req
332. - That was really fun. Thanks.
- Yeah, it really was.Copy !req
333. Should I shake his hand?Copy !req
334. Well...Copy !req
335. You want to catch a movie
this weekend?Copy !req
336. Have you seen JFK?Copy !req
337. No, I haven't.Copy !req
338. This weekend. Wow!Copy !req
339. Sure. That would be great.Copy !req
340. Damn. I was too overanxious.
He must have noticed that.Copy !req
341. I mean, if you want to.Copy !req
342. - Well, how about this Friday?
- Yeah, Friday's okay.Copy !req
343. Go ahead, shake his hand.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.Copy !req
344. I've been on The Tonight Show.Copy !req
345. Well, good night.Copy !req
346. Good night.Copy !req
347. Oh, Jer, by the way...Copy !req
348. the woman we gave
a ride to earlier...Copy !req
349. - Elaine.
- Yeah.Copy !req
350. - What's her story?
- I don't know. We used to go out.Copy !req
351. Would you mind if I gave her a call?Copy !req
352. - For a date?
- Yeah.Copy !req
353. Oh, no...Copy !req
354. Go ahead.Copy !req
355. You got a pen?Copy !req
356. You sure you don't mind?Copy !req
357. So then we went to dinner.Copy !req
358. - Who paid?
- We split it.Copy !req
359. Split it. Pretty good.Copy !req
360. - Did you talk about game six?
- No. I gotta wait until it's the right time.Copy !req
361. - Yeah?
- It's Elaine.Copy !req
362. Come on up.Copy !req
363. So then what?Copy !req
364. Nothing. Then he took me home.Copy !req
365. Shake his hand?Copy !req
366. Yeah.Copy !req
367. What kind of a shake does he have?Copy !req
368. Good shake. Perfect shake.Copy !req
369. Single pump, not too hard.Copy !req
370. Didn't have to prove anything,
but firm enough to know he was there.Copy !req
371. So...Copy !req
372. you're gonna see him again?Copy !req
373. He asked me if I was doing anything
Friday night.Copy !req
374. The weekend!Copy !req
375. So then, as I was getting out
of the car—Copy !req
376. - Hi!
- Oh, hi, Elaine.Copy !req
377. Hi, Elaine.Copy !req
378. So how was your date?Copy !req
379. What date? It's a guy.Copy !req
380. So you know... He called me.Copy !req
381. - Already?
- Keith called you?Copy !req
382. This guy really gets around.Copy !req
383. - Do you mind?
- No, I don't mind. Why should I mind?Copy !req
384. What did he say?Copy !req
385. He asked me out for Saturday night.Copy !req
386. - You going?
- No.Copy !req
387. - I told him I was busy.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
388. So we're going out Friday.Copy !req
389. - Friday?
- Yeah.Copy !req
390. He's going out with you on Friday?Copy !req
391. - Yeah?
- He's supposed to see me on Friday.Copy !req
392. - I didn't know.
- We made plans!Copy !req
393. - Well— I'll cancel it.
- No, don't cancel it.Copy !req
394. Well, this is a little
awkward, isn't it?Copy !req
395. Well, frankly, it is.Copy !req
396. I've never seen you jealous before.Copy !req
397. Well, you're not even a fan.
I was at game six.Copy !req
398. You didn't even watch it.Copy !req
399. Wait a second. Wait a minute.Copy !req
400. Are you jealous of him
or are you jealous of me?Copy !req
401. Any Hennigan's around here?Copy !req
402. Vandalay Industries.Copy !req
403. Kell Varnsen speaking.Copy !req
404. May we help you?Copy !req
405. Oh, hi, Keith.
No, I was just joking around.Copy !req
406. No, no, I don't mind at all.Copy !req
407. - No, no, no. I can cancel.
- Sure. We'll do something next week.Copy !req
408. No, it's no problem at all.Copy !req
409. Okay. Take it easy.Copy !req
410. That was Keith.
We're gonna do something next week.Copy !req
411. Hey, what are you doing
Friday night?Copy !req
412. Friday night? Nothing. Now.Copy !req
413. Want to come to see the baby?Copy !req
414. Oh, fasten your seat belts.
We're going to see the baby.Copy !req
415. If you don't see the baby now,
you're never gonna see her.Copy !req
416. - All right, I'll go.
- All right. All right.Copy !req
417. I'll get it.Copy !req
418. Hello.Copy !req
419. What-delay Industries?Copy !req
420. - No!
- Vandalay!Copy !req
421. Say Vandalay!Copy !req
422. No, you're way, way, way off!Copy !req
423. Yeah, that's the right number,
but this is an apartment.Copy !req
424. - No, say—
- Vandalay! Say—Copy !req
425. Vandalay Industries!Copy !req
426. Yeah, no problem, no problem.Copy !req
427. How did you know who they wanted?Copy !req
428. And you want to be
my latex salesman.Copy !req
429. Just sign here, please.Copy !req
430. I know who it was too.
It was the guy that interviewed me.Copy !req
431. He was very threatened by me.
Why else wouldn't he hire me?Copy !req
432. - I could sell latex like that.
- Just sign that.Copy !req
433. - Who is this?
- It's my daughter.Copy !req
434. This is your daughter?Copy !req
435. My God!Copy !req
436. My God!Copy !req
437. I hope you don't mind my saying,
she is breathtaking.Copy !req
438. You think so?Copy !req
439. Would you take this picture away
from me? Just take it away.Copy !req
440. Get it out of here.
Take it away, and put it away.Copy !req
441. Let me just sign this and go.Copy !req
442. You know...Copy !req
443. she doesn't even have a boyfriend.Copy !req
444. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
445. Who do you think you're talking to?Copy !req
446. You trying to make a joke,
Mrs. Sokol? It's not funny.Copy !req
447. I can tell you that.Copy !req
448. I'm serious. She doesn't.Copy !req
449. You know, it's one thing to not
give me the extension.Copy !req
450. But to tease and
to torture me like this...Copy !req
451. there's no call for that.Copy !req
452. Would you like her phone number?Copy !req
453. Mrs. Sokol,
I don't know what to say.Copy !req
454. - Where should I sign this thing?
- No, no, no, no. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
455. Unemployment, it's a tough thing.Copy !req
456. Even if you get a job after
you've been unemployed...Copy !req
457. they take unemployment out
of your check every week...Copy !req
458. and show it to you in that little box.Copy !req
459. How good can it be for your
confidence that every paycheck...Copy !req
460. has the word "unemployment"
on it?Copy !req
461. Can't get it out of your mind!
You just got the job!Copy !req
462. They're already getting ready
for you to be laid off.Copy !req
463. I have a friend who's unemployed.Copy !req
464. He's collecting unemployment
insurance.Copy !req
465. This guy has never worked this hard
in his life to keep this thing going.Copy !req
466. He's down there every week waiting
on the lines and getting interviewed...Copy !req
467. and making up all these lies
about looking for jobs.Copy !req
468. If they had any idea the effort
and energy that he is expending...Copy !req
469. to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give
him a raise. I'm sure of it.Copy !req
470. The guy is doing a tremendous job...Copy !req
471. not working.Copy !req
472. So tell me more
about this game six.Copy !req
473. Well, there was two outs,
bottom of the tenth.Copy !req
474. We're one out away
from losing the series.Copy !req
475. Hello. How are you?Copy !req
476. So, what do you think?Copy !req
477. Do you love her?Copy !req
478. Yes, I do love her.Copy !req
479. You have a very nice place here.Copy !req
480. So who do you think she looks like?Copy !req
481. Lyndon Johnson.Copy !req
482. What? Lyndon Johnson?Copy !req
483. He's joking.Copy !req
484. No, I'm not joking.
She looks like Lyndon Johnson.Copy !req
485. Jerry, I can't believe it took you
so long to see the baby.Copy !req
486. I kept saying to Michael, "When is
Jerry going to see the baby?"Copy !req
487. I was saying the same thing.Copy !req
488. Take a picture.
Michael, get the camera.Copy !req
489. - You don't have to take a picture.
- I don't know where it is.Copy !req
490. It's in the bottom drawer
of our dresser.Copy !req
491. Hurry up!Copy !req
492. He's such an idiot.Copy !req
493. Jerry, you want to pick her up?Copy !req
494. - I better not.
- I'll pick her up.Copy !req
495. No!Copy !req
496. Thank you for a wonderful time,
George.Copy !req
497. Glad you enjoyed it.Copy !req
498. I haven't had a Big Mac
in a long time.Copy !req
499. Billions and billions.Copy !req
500. Would you like to come up?Copy !req
501. Would I like to come up?Copy !req
502. I would love to come up.Copy !req
503. I'm... I'm fighting not to.Copy !req
504. Fighting.Copy !req
505. Unfortunately, I...Copy !req
506. have to get an early start tomorrow.
Gotta get up and hit that pavement.Copy !req
507. But it's Saturday.
All the offices are closed.Copy !req
508. I got me an appointment
with a hardware store.Copy !req
509. I'm not saying I want to do it
for the rest of my life...Copy !req
510. but hardware fascinates me.Copy !req
511. Wouldn't you love to make a key?Copy !req
512. Will you call me as soon
as you get home?Copy !req
513. - Tonight?
- Yes.Copy !req
514. Will I call you when I get home?
What do you think?Copy !req
515. You kill me. You really kill me.Copy !req
516. Well, good night.Copy !req
517. It was an accident. Right, Jerry?
It was an accident.Copy !req
518. Oh, she's gonna be all right.Copy !req
519. Here, baby. Here.
Here, baby.Copy !req
520. Baby, baby, baby.
Who's the baby?Copy !req
521. I have a friend who's got a baby.Copy !req
522. "Gotta see the baby.Copy !req
523. You've got to come over
and see the baby."Copy !req
524. Nobody ever wants you to come over
and see their grandfather, do they?Copy !req
525. "You've got to see my grandfather.
You've got to see him.Copy !req
526. He's so cute.Copy !req
527. 168 pounds, 4 ounces.
I love them when they're this age.Copy !req
528. He's 1000 months.Copy !req
529. You know, the mid-80s is such
a good time for the grand-people.Copy !req
530. The mid-80s, you gotta see them.Copy !req
531. He went to the bathroom
by himself today."Copy !req
532. You know what's tough about seeing
people when they have a baby...Copy !req
533. is that you have to match
their level of enthusiasm.Copy !req
534. You know what I mean?
They're always so excited.Copy !req
535. "What do you think of him?"Copy !req
536. I'd like to meet a couple that goes:Copy !req
537. "You know, we're not that happy
with him, frankly.Copy !req
538. I think we really made a big mistake.
We should have got an aquarium.Copy !req
539. You want him? We don't even
want him. You want him?"Copy !req
540. Thanks for a nice evening.
This was really fun.Copy !req
541. Yeah, it was.Copy !req
542. Gosh, should I kiss her good night?Copy !req
543. Is he going to try and kiss me?Copy !req
544. - I love Cajun cooking.
- Really?Copy !req
545. You know, my mom's
one-quarter Cajun.Copy !req
546. Oh, my father's half-drunk.Copy !req
547. Maybe they should get together.Copy !req
548. Go ahead. Kiss her.Copy !req
549. I'm a baseball player, damn it.Copy !req
550. What's he waiting for?Copy !req
551. I thought he was a cool guy.Copy !req
552. Come on. I won the MVP in '79.
I can do whatever I want to.Copy !req
553. Well, this is getting awkward.Copy !req
554. Well, good night.Copy !req
555. Good night.Copy !req
556. Who does this guy think he is?Copy !req
557. I'm Keith Hernandez.Copy !req
558. Who else?Copy !req
559. Mookie. Mookie was there.Copy !req
560. You know him?Copy !req
561. Well, I don't know him.
I know who he is.Copy !req
562. He's such a great guy.
You should meet him.Copy !req
563. - He's the one who got that hit—
- I know. He got the hit in game six!Copy !req
564. So then what happened?Copy !req
565. Nothing. Then he took me home.Copy !req
566. So did you two...Copy !req
567. have...?Copy !req
568. What?Copy !req
569. You know.Copy !req
570. Milk?Copy !req
571. - No.
- Cookies?Copy !req
572. Did he kiss you good night?Copy !req
573. I don't know.Copy !req
574. What do you mean, you don't know?Copy !req
575. All right. He kissed me, okay?Copy !req
576. Well, what kind of a kiss?Copy !req
577. Was it a peck? Was it a kiss?
Was it a long make-out thing?Copy !req
578. Between a peck and a make-out.Copy !req
579. So you like him.Copy !req
580. I don't understand.
Before you were jealous of me.Copy !req
581. Now you're jealous of him?Copy !req
582. I'm jealous of everybody.Copy !req
583. Hello.Copy !req
584. Oh, hi. What's happening?Copy !req
585. What?Copy !req
586. Sure.Copy !req
587. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
588. Then... I'll see you then.Copy !req
589. Yeah, yeah. Okay.Copy !req
590. Bye.Copy !req
591. - Who was that?
- That was Keith.Copy !req
592. - What's going on?
- He wants me to help him move.Copy !req
593. Help him move?Copy !req
594. Move what?Copy !req
595. You know, furniture.Copy !req
596. So, what did you say?Copy !req
597. I said, yes, but I don't feel right
about it.Copy !req
598. I mean, I hardly know the guy.Copy !req
599. That's a big step
in a male relationship.Copy !req
600. The biggest.
That's like going all the way.Copy !req
601. And you feel you're not
really ready for—Copy !req
602. Well, we went out one time.Copy !req
603. Don't you think that's coming on
a little too strong?Copy !req
604. Hey.Copy !req
605. What's going on?Copy !req
606. Keith Hernandez just asked me
to help him move.Copy !req
607. What?Copy !req
608. Well, you hardly know the guy.Copy !req
609. What a nerve!Copy !req
610. You see? Wasn't I right
about this guy? Didn't I tell you?Copy !req
611. Oh, you're not gonna do it, are you?Copy !req
612. - I said, yes.
- You said yes?Copy !req
613. Don't you have any pride
or self-respect?Copy !req
614. I mean, how can you prostitute
yourself like this?Copy !req
615. Are you gonna start driving him
to the airport?Copy !req
616. I'm not driving him to the airport.Copy !req
617. Oh, boy. I don't know.Copy !req
618. - Kramer, do me a favor, would you?
- What?Copy !req
619. Don't mention it to anybody.Copy !req
620. I wish you never mentioned it to me.Copy !req
621. I had a great time tonight, Carrie.Copy !req
622. And I will call you
as soon as I get home.Copy !req
623. Don't bother.Copy !req
624. Bother? What kind of bother?Copy !req
625. I would prefer it if you didn't.Copy !req
626. - Why? Is anything wrong?
- It's over, buddy. Done.Copy !req
627. Finished. So long. Goodbye.
Adios. Sayonara.Copy !req
628. - Why?
- I've been thinking about it.Copy !req
629. You got no job.
You got no prospects.Copy !req
630. You're like Biff Loman.Copy !req
631. I went to the hardware store
interview.Copy !req
632. You think I'm going to spend my life
with somebody...Copy !req
633. because he can get me a deal
on a box of nails?Copy !req
634. I thought we were a team.Copy !req
635. If I ever need a drill bit, I'll call you.Copy !req
636. Carrie, could you do me a favor?Copy !req
637. Could you not mention this
to your mother?Copy !req
638. You know, I hate to brag...Copy !req
639. but I did win 11 straight
Gold Gloves.Copy !req
640. I wouldn't have brought it up,
but since you mentioned it.Copy !req
641. I didn't mention it.Copy !req
642. Well, I won them anyway.Copy !req
643. Well, so what? I mean...Copy !req
644. you played first base.Copy !req
645. I mean, they always put
the worst player at first base.Copy !req
646. That's where they put me,
and I stunk.Copy !req
647. Elaine, you don't know the first thing
about first base.Copy !req
648. Well, I know something
about getting to first base...Copy !req
649. and I know you'll never be there.Copy !req
650. The way I figure it,
I've already been there.Copy !req
651. And I plan on rounding second
tonight at around 11:00.Copy !req
652. Well, I'd watch the third-base coach
if I were you...Copy !req
653. because I don't think
he's waving you in.Copy !req
654. You know, I hate to say this...Copy !req
655. but I really think that
we're hitting it off.Copy !req
656. - Get it? Get it?
- Clever.Copy !req
657. - What are you doing?
- What's that?Copy !req
658. - You smoke?
- Yeah.Copy !req
659. I didn't know you smoked.Copy !req
660. Is that a problem?Copy !req
661. She likes him.
I mean, she really likes him.Copy !req
662. - How do you know?
- Who wouldn't like him?Copy !req
663. I like him, and I'm a guy.Copy !req
664. I suppose he's an attractive man.Copy !req
665. Forget that. He's a ballplayer.
MVP, 1979.Copy !req
666. I'm making wisecracks in some
nightclub. This guy was in game six.Copy !req
667. They're a perfect match.
They go together.Copy !req
668. Like one of these brother and sister
couples that look alike.Copy !req
669. I hate those couples. I could never be
one of those couples.Copy !req
670. There are no bald women around,
you know.Copy !req
671. I know this sounds a little arrogant,
but I never thought she'd find...Copy !req
672. someone she liked better
than me. But, you know...Copy !req
673. I guess I had my chance.
And that's that.Copy !req
674. You know what I'd like to do?Copy !req
675. I'd really like to have sex
with a tall woman.Copy !req
676. I mean really tall, like a giant.
Like 6'5".Copy !req
677. Really?Copy !req
678. What was the tallest woman
you ever slept with?Copy !req
679. I don't know, 6'3".Copy !req
680. Wow! God!Copy !req
681. See, this is all I think about:
sleeping with a giant.Copy !req
682. It's my life's ambition.Copy !req
683. So I guess it's fair to say you've set
different goals for yourself than...Copy !req
684. say, Thomas Edison, Magellan,
these type of people.Copy !req
685. Magellan? You like Magellan?Copy !req
686. Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer.
Around the world. Come on.Copy !req
687. - Who do you like?
- I like de Soto.Copy !req
688. - De Soto? What did he do?
- Discovered the Mississippi.Copy !req
689. Oh, like they wouldn't have found
that anyway.Copy !req
690. All right. I gotta go down
to the unemployment office.Copy !req
691. - You want to take a walk?
- No, I got some stuff to do.Copy !req
692. I gotta meet Keith at my apartment
at 3. I'm helping him move.Copy !req
693. What?Copy !req
694. The guy asked you to help him move?
Wow!Copy !req
695. - I know. Isn't that something?
- Why doesn't he just pay a mover?Copy !req
696. He's got some valuable antiques.
He's worried they'll break something.Copy !req
697. Soon he'll have you driving him
to the airport.Copy !req
698. I'm not driving him to the airport!Copy !req
699. I gave. I gave everything I could,
Mrs. Sokol.Copy !req
700. - Nothing was good enough for her.
- Sign here, please.Copy !req
701. I don't know who she's looking for.
I don't know.Copy !req
702. I'll tell you, she's very particular,
your daughter. Very particular.Copy !req
703. Is she looking for some
big hotshot businessman?Copy !req
704. Well, I've got my pride too.
I'm not gonna beg her.Copy !req
705. All right. Just sign it.
People are waiting.Copy !req
706. You like baseball?Copy !req
707. That was autographed
by the '86 Mets.Copy !req
708. I saw every inning that year.Copy !req
709. It's funny, because I happen to be
very good friends with...Copy !req
710. Keith Hernandez.Copy !req
711. You know Keith Hernandez.Copy !req
712. Know him?Copy !req
713. Would you... like to meet him?Copy !req
714. Oh, come on. Come on.Copy !req
715. I can produce Keith Hernandez,
right here...Copy !req
716. within the hour.Copy !req
717. All right.Copy !req
718. You got one hour.Copy !req
719. All right, Mrs. S.Copy !req
720. I and my good pal
Keith Hernandez...Copy !req
721. will be right back.Copy !req
722. 129 West 81st Street, and hurry.Copy !req
723. Or not.Copy !req
724. You better bring your gloves.
It's freezing out there.Copy !req
725. It shouldn't take too long.
I'd say maybe, oh, four hours.Copy !req
726. Really, Jerry, there's not that much.
First, we got the bedroom.Copy !req
727. We got two dressers and the bed.Copy !req
728. - Is there a box spring?
- What's that?Copy !req
729. - A box spring?
- Yeah, there's a box spring.Copy !req
730. But it's attached to the headboard,
and we'll have to take that apart.Copy !req
731. Then we got the couch.Copy !req
732. - Is that a sectional?
- Yeah, 12 pieces.Copy !req
733. - A marble coffee table.
- Is that a thick marble?Copy !req
734. Three inches thick.
Got it in Italy.Copy !req
735. But the big problem is gonna be
the convertible sofa.Copy !req
736. When you move it,
it tends to open up...Copy !req
737. so it's going to be difficult
getting it downstairs.Copy !req
738. Stairs?Copy !req
739. - There's no elevator?
- No, it's a brownstone. Three floors.Copy !req
740. - I'm sorry, I can't do this.
- What?Copy !req
741. I can't do it! I can't!
It's too soon.Copy !req
742. I don't know you.Copy !req
743. I can't help you move, I'm sorry.
I can't! I just can't.Copy !req
744. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
745. Oh, you don't remember me.Copy !req
746. - No. Should I?
- Yeah, yeah, you should...Copy !req
747. because I certainly remember you.Copy !req
748. Let me refresh your memory.Copy !req
749. June 14th, 1987.Copy !req
750. Mets-Phillies. You made a big error.
Cost the Mets the game.Copy !req
751. Then you're coming up
the parking lot ramp.Copy !req
752. You said, "Nice game, pretty boy."Copy !req
753. - You remember.
- And then you spit on us.Copy !req
754. - Hey, I didn't spit at you.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
755. - No, no. Then who was it?
- Look, the way I remember it...Copy !req
756. I was walking up the ramp.
I was upset about the game.Copy !req
757. That's when you called me
"pretty boy."Copy !req
758. Hey, that ticked me off.
I was turning to say something...Copy !req
759. and as I turned around...Copy !req
760. I saw Roger McDowell
behind the bushes...Copy !req
761. over by that gravelly road.Copy !req
762. Anyway, he was talking to someone,
and they were pointing at you.Copy !req
763. I tried to scream out,
but it was too late.Copy !req
764. It was already on its way.Copy !req
765. I told you.Copy !req
766. - It was McDowell.
- But why? Why McDowell?Copy !req
767. Maybe because we were sitting
in the right-field stands...Copy !req
768. cursing at him in the bullpen
all game.Copy !req
769. He must have caught a glimpse of us
when I poured that beer on his head.Copy !req
770. - It was McDowell.
- Oh, boy.Copy !req
771. - Look, Keith, we're sorry.
- Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier.Copy !req
772. Guys, don't worry about it.Copy !req
773. - Well, I guess I better get going.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
774. - I gotta move.
- You want any help?Copy !req
775. - I'd love some. You sure?
- I'd love to help you.Copy !req
776. Yeah, me too!Copy !req
777. Okay, guys. We got to be careful
of one thing.Copy !req
778. Some of the stuff is very fragile
We'll have to handle it like a baby.Copy !req
779. Hey, no sweat.Copy !req
780. Hello.Copy !req
781. Oh, hi, Elaine. What's going on?Copy !req
782. No, he just left.Copy !req
783. You broke up with him?Copy !req
784. Me too!Copy !req
785. What happened?Copy !req
786. Oh, smoking. You know, you're like
going out with C. Everett Koop.Copy !req
787. Me? No.
I couldn't go through with it.Copy !req
788. I just didn't feel ready.Copy !req
789. So, what are you doing now?Copy !req
790. Oh, great idea. Okay.Copy !req
791. I'll meet you there in, like,
30 minutes.Copy !req
792. Okay, bye.Copy !req
793. Keith! Keith!Copy !req
794. - What happened? Where's Keith?
- You just missed him. He just left.Copy !req
795. What do you need him for?Copy !req
796. Keith! Keith! Up here!Copy !req
797. Look, could you do me a favor?Copy !req
798. I need you to go to the
unemployment office with me!Copy !req
799. I— I'm Jerry's friend!Copy !req
800. The guy from the locker room!Copy !req
801. I'm the chucker!Copy !req
802. It'll take five minutes!Copy !req
803. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
804. Well, Biff...Copy !req
805. what's next?Copy !req
806. I don't know.Copy !req
807. Excuse me.Copy !req
808. I was walking behind you, and you...Copy !req
809. dropped your wallet.Copy !req
810. When you're moving,
your whole world becomes boxes.Copy !req
811. That's all you think about,
is boxes. Where are there boxes?Copy !req
812. You just wander down the street,
going in and out of stores.Copy !req
813. "Are there boxes here?
Have you seen any boxes?"Copy !req
814. I mean, you can't even talk to people
because you can't concentrate.Copy !req
815. "Shut up! I'm looking for boxes!"Copy !req
816. So after a while, you become
really into it. You can smell them.Copy !req
817. You walk into a store:Copy !req
818. "There's boxes here.Copy !req
819. Don't tell me you don't have boxes.
Damn it! I can smell them!"Copy !req
820. You become, like, obsessed.Copy !req
821. "I love the smell of cardboard
in the morning."Copy !req
822. At a funeral, everyone's crying around.
You're looking at the casket:Copy !req
823. "That's a nice box.Copy !req
824. Does anybody know where
that guy got that box?Copy !req
825. When he's done with it,
you think I could get that?Copy !req
826. It's got some nice handles on it."Copy !req
827. And that's what death is, really.
It's the last big move of your life.Copy !req
828. The hearse is like the van.Copy !req
829. The pallbearers are close friends.Copy !req
830. The only ones you could really ask
to help you with a big move like that.Copy !req
831. And the casket is that great,
perfect box...Copy !req
832. you've been looking for
your whole life.Copy !req
833. The only problem is
once you find it, you're in it.Copy !req