1. I'm going to get
a physical examination.Copy !req
2. That urine sample. Giving them that,
that's always a pleasure, isn't it?Copy !req
3. Then there's always
the amount question:Copy !req
4. "I don't know what you need.
I gave you whatever I had there.Copy !req
5. I got more. Whatever you need,
I can get it for you.Copy !req
6. Just let me know what you need.
It's no problem, I mean..."Copy !req
7. But any kind of physical test,
I don't know what it is...Copy !req
8. I always click into this thing
where I wanna do really well.Copy !req
9. If it's gonna be a physical test,
I wanna do well.Copy !req
10. Remember in school,
they'd do hearing tests?Copy !req
11. And you'd really be listening,
you know...Copy !req
12. trying to really—
Trying to do well, I wanna do well.Copy !req
13. I wanted to do unbelievable
on that test.Copy !req
14. I wanted them to come to me
after the test and go:Copy !req
15. "We think you may have something
close to super hearing.Copy !req
16. What you heard was a cotton ball
touching a piece of felt.Copy !req
17. We're sending the results
to Washington.Copy !req
18. We'd like you
to meet the president."Copy !req
19. Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
20. If you named a kid Rasputin...Copy !req
21. do you think that would have
a negative effect on his life?Copy !req
22. No.Copy !req
23. What are you doing?
We're going out to dinner.Copy !req
24. Do you realize this is the last meal
I'm gonna have for three days?Copy !req
25. - Yeah.
- George.Copy !req
26. Come on up.Copy !req
27. I never heard of this. You gotta fast
for three days to take an ulcer test.Copy !req
28. - How will you do that?
- I don't know.Copy !req
29. How could I possibly have ulcers?
Who could have given me ulcers?Copy !req
30. I think I'll take out the garbage.Copy !req
31. Have you ever fasted?Copy !req
32. Well, once I didn't have
dinner till, like, 9:00.Copy !req
33. I'll tell you, that was pretty rough.Copy !req
34. Hey. Do me a favour, will you?Copy !req
35. Throw out my garbage for me.Copy !req
36. Yeah. Right.Copy !req
37. Come on. It's just down the hall.Copy !req
38. Give me 2 bucks.
I'll do it for 2 bucks.Copy !req
39. I'll give you 50 cents.Copy !req
40. There's no way I'd touch that bag
for less than $2.Copy !req
41. Come on, 50 cents. You can
get yourself a Drake's Coffee Cake.Copy !req
42. You're not getting no
Drake's Coffee Cake for 50 cents.Copy !req
43. I'm all set. I got the ticket. I'm going
to the Cayman Islands Friday.Copy !req
44. I don't get you. Who goes
on vacation without a job?Copy !req
45. What do you need, a break
from getting up at 11?Copy !req
46. It's a deal. I don't know
why you don't come with me.Copy !req
47. I don't go for nonrefundable deals.Copy !req
48. I can't commit to a woman,
I'm not committing to an airline.Copy !req
49. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
50. How are you?Copy !req
51. Gina, do you know
Drake's Coffee Cake?Copy !req
52. The plain cake with the sweet
brown crumbs on the top.Copy !req
53. - Right. How much do they cost?
- The junior?Copy !req
54. - No, the full-size.
- No, junior.Copy !req
55. - You didn't say "junior."
- I haven't had one since I was little.Copy !req
56. Really?Copy !req
57. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I want you out of here.Copy !req
58. - How you doing?
- Good enough.Copy !req
59. - Boy, she's sexy, isn't she?
- Yeah.Copy !req
60. - Do you believe that guy?
- What guy?Copy !req
61. - My neighbour.
- That creepy guy?Copy !req
62. - Did he think I was flirting with her?
- He didn't seem too pleased.Copy !req
63. Maybe I'll get a steak
with French-fried onion rings.Copy !req
64. Hey, you know what?Copy !req
65. I just remembered something.Copy !req
66. I had a dream about that guy
last night. This is amazing.Copy !req
67. - Amazing? You've seen him before.
- I haven't seen him in months.Copy !req
68. What was the dream?Copy !req
69. He was doing standup comedy
in Kennebunkport, Maine...Copy !req
70. in this really ominous nightclub.Copy !req
71. The stage was on a cliff
and the audience...Copy !req
72. was throwing all the comics off.Copy !req
73. I think I've played there.Copy !req
74. I've had a lot of paranormal stuff
happen to me.Copy !req
75. You're a little paranormal.Copy !req
76. Name one paranormal thing
that happened to you.Copy !req
77. - I knew I was gonna be bald.
- Your father's bald.Copy !req
78. Baldness is inherited
from the mother's side, Jerry.Copy !req
79. But your mother's bald too.Copy !req
80. George, you know,
my friend goes to a psychic.Copy !req
81. - Really?
- We should go sometime.Copy !req
82. I'd love to go.
Make an appointment.Copy !req
83. Psychics, vacations.
How about getting a job?Copy !req
84. - I just got fired.
- All right. Let's get out of here.Copy !req
85. I wonder what Gandhi ate
before his fast.Copy !req
86. I heard he used to polish off
a box of Triscuits.Copy !req
87. - Really?
- Oh, yeah. Gandhi loved Triscuits.Copy !req
88. Who is it?Copy !req
89. - Who is it?
- It's Gina!Copy !req
90. - Who?
- Martin's girlfriend.Copy !req
91. - Martin?
- Your next-door neighbour.Copy !req
92. Oh, Martin!Copy !req
93. It's Martin. I think he's dying.
He tried to kill himself with pills.Copy !req
94. - What?
- Come on.Copy !req
95. - Let me get my robe.
- We do not have time.Copy !req
96. - Two seconds.
- There's no time.Copy !req
97. - We don't have two seconds?
- All right, go ahead.Copy !req
98. - No, forget it.
- No, go ahead.Copy !req
99. - No, I'll just wear the pyjamas.
- Just get it!Copy !req
100. - Are you sure?
- Forget it. Come on.Copy !req
101. No, I'll go get the robe.Copy !req
102. It's not too bad. It's not
like a Sunny von Bülow coma.Copy !req
103. Doctor said he should
snap out of it any time.Copy !req
104. You know why he did this?
Because I told him it was over.Copy !req
105. - I did not want to see him anymore.
- Really? It's over?Copy !req
106. I could not stand it another minute.Copy !req
107. Yesterday, he turned over
a hot dog stand...Copy !req
108. because he thought
the man looked at me.Copy !req
109. Then, after he saw you in the hall...
He was crazy with jealousy.Copy !req
110. Oh, boy.Copy !req
111. Did he say anything about me?Copy !req
112. He does not like you.Copy !req
113. And all indications are he does not
like Drake's Coffee Cake.Copy !req
114. - He said that?
- He was screaming about it all night.Copy !req
115. How it's too sweet and
it falls apart when you eat it.Copy !req
116. I'm sorry if I caused any trouble.
I was just being friendly.Copy !req
117. I wasn't.Copy !req
118. You weren't?Copy !req
119. No. I have thought
about you many times.Copy !req
120. - Have you thought about me?
- Of course.Copy !req
121. Tell me everything.Copy !req
122. Are you sure
he can't hear anything?Copy !req
123. Martin.Copy !req
124. Martin!Copy !req
125. I wish he was not in a coma.
I wish he was dead.Copy !req
126. I would like to pull the plug out
from him!Copy !req
127. I would wait on that one.Copy !req
128. I know how you feel,
but juries today...Copy !req
129. you never know how
they're gonna look at this.Copy !req
130. I saw you looking at your watch.
You want to leave? Go ahead.Copy !req
131. - I wanted to see what time it was.
- Are you afraid of him?Copy !req
132. - No.
- Then kiss me.Copy !req
133. - Here?
- Yes, right here.Copy !req
134. Is this the proper venue?Copy !req
135. - You don't want to?
- No, no, I want to.Copy !req
136. I very much want to. I desire to.
I pine to.Copy !req
137. Then kiss me right in front of him.Copy !req
138. I can't! What if he wakes up?Copy !req
139. A man is lying here unconscious
and you're afraid of him?Copy !req
140. What kind of a man are you?Copy !req
141. I'm a man who respects a good coma.Copy !req
142. If it was one of those
in-and-out comas, maybe.Copy !req
143. But when a guy's got a coma
going like this...Copy !req
144. you don't wanna mess with it.Copy !req
145. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
146. - Did you hear about Martin?
- Yeah, I heard.Copy !req
147. I can't believe he's in a coma.
He's got my vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
148. I loaned it to him, he never
returned it. The carpets are filthy.Copy !req
149. - What am I gonna do?
- Who told you about Martin?Copy !req
150. Newman.
He's good friends with him.Copy !req
151. Bigmouth Newman.
I should have guessed.Copy !req
152. He's got all my attachments,
you know.Copy !req
153. Let me ask you something.
How long do you have to wait...Copy !req
154. for a guy to come out of a coma
before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?Copy !req
155. Oh, Gina?Copy !req
156. Why wait?
Why not just call Dr. Kevorkian.Copy !req
157. I don't get that
whole suicide machine.Copy !req
158. There's no tall buildings
where these people live?Copy !req
159. They can't wrap their lips around
a revolver like a normal person?Copy !req
160. What's going on
between you and Gina?Copy !req
161. Well, I went with her
to the hospital last night.Copy !req
162. So we're in the room and she's trying
to get me to kiss her in front of him.Copy !req
163. That's the great thing
about Mediterranean women.Copy !req
164. All right. So, what did you do?Copy !req
165. - Nothing.
- What kind of a man are you?Copy !req
166. The guy is unconscious, in a coma...Copy !req
167. and you don't have the guts
to kiss his girlfriend?Copy !req
168. I didn't know what
the coma etiquette was.Copy !req
169. There is no coma etiquette.Copy !req
170. See, that's the beauty of the coma.
It doesn't matter what you do.Copy !req
171. So you're saying his girl, his car,
his clothes, it's all up for grabs.Copy !req
172. You can just loot the coma victim.Copy !req
173. I give them 24 hours to get out of it.Copy !req
174. They can't get out of it
by 24 hours, it's a land rush.Copy !req
175. So if the coma victim wakes up
in a month...Copy !req
176. he's thrilled. He got out of the coma.Copy !req
177. - He goes home, there's nothing left?
- Nothing left!Copy !req
178. That's why I'm trying to get that
vacuum. Somebody's gonna grab it.Copy !req
179. Martin's spirit came to you
as a warning.Copy !req
180. Why would he come to George?Copy !req
181. Because George has heightened
extrasensory perception.Copy !req
182. Faithy, get your finger
out of your nose!Copy !req
183. - I knew it. I always felt different.
- You are. Some coffee cake?Copy !req
184. - Drake's?
- Yes.Copy !req
185. - Did you buy this for me?
- No, why?Copy !req
186. Because I love Drake's Coffee Cake.Copy !req
187. - Maybe I did.
- Take it away.Copy !req
188. She hasn't eaten in two days.Copy !req
189. - Who's Pauline?
- Pauline?Copy !req
190. Wait a minute. Oh, my God.Copy !req
191. My brother once impregnated
a woman named Pauline.Copy !req
192. - You think about her?
- When I hear her name.Copy !req
193. Cut these with your left hand.Copy !req
194. There was a woman. Audrey.Copy !req
195. She had a very big nose.Copy !req
196. I see an Audrey,
but with a small nose.Copy !req
197. Yes, yes. She had a nose job.Copy !req
198. I loved her very deeply.Copy !req
199. Will she ever speak to me again?Copy !req
200. Not in this life.Copy !req
201. - Should you be smoking?
- Does it bother you?Copy !req
202. - You're pregnant.
- Elaine.Copy !req
203. I smoked when I had Faithy.Copy !req
204. What? What?Copy !req
205. I don't know about this trip, George.Copy !req
206. You can see the Cayman Islands
in there?Copy !req
207. Is something gonna happen
to me? What?Copy !req
208. It's really bad for the foetus,
you know that?Copy !req
209. She's a psychic.
She knows how the kid's gonna be.Copy !req
210. Should I not go on this trip?Copy !req
211. George...Copy !req
212. I am going to tell you something
and I want you to really hear me.Copy !req
213. Now, listen, I just don't know
how a person, with everything...Copy !req
214. we now know about prenatal care,
can put a cigarette in her mouth!Copy !req
215. - What are you doing?
- It's disgusting.Copy !req
216. - I don't need this!
- Look, please!Copy !req
217. - I would like you both to leave.
- Oh, fine.Copy !req
218. Well, I don't like to be around people
who are just so irresponsible.Copy !req
219. - Get the hell out.
- A plane crash? A heart attack?Copy !req
220. Lupus? Is it lupus?Copy !req
221. Do you want me to call the super?
He was an Israeli commando.Copy !req
222. If you don't say anything,
I'll assume it's a plane crash.Copy !req
223. - Get out.
- Not a plane crash.Copy !req
224. Is it a plane crash?Copy !req
225. Psychics should be licensed.Copy !req
226. And it wouldn't be hard. We could
just give them the regular DMV test...Copy !req
227. only with the silver dollars and
the pizza dough over the eyes.Copy !req
228. If you can do the parallel park
like that, you're a psychic.Copy !req
229. We can test these people,
no question about it.Copy !req
230. Like Kreskin. Instead
of just hiding his check...Copy !req
231. why don't we try
stopping his check.Copy !req
232. Let's see how he handles that.Copy !req
233. I do not like your toothbrush.Copy !req
234. There are no bristles.Copy !req
235. You can say what you want
about me...Copy !req
236. but I'll be damned
if I'm gonna stand here...Copy !req
237. while you insult my toothbrush.Copy !req
238. It is too small for someone
with such a big mouth.Copy !req
239. Let me ask you...Copy !req
240. what will you do if Martin
wakes up? Run away like a mouse?Copy !req
241. No, more like the Three Stooges
at the end of every movie.Copy !req
242. Who are these Stooges
you speak of?Copy !req
243. They're a comedy team.Copy !req
244. Tell me about them. Everything.Copy !req
245. Well, they're three funny-looking guys
and they'd hit each other a lot.Copy !req
246. - You will show me the Stooges?
- I will show you the Stooges.Copy !req
247. - When?
- Well...Copy !req
248. I don't really know where
the Stooges are right now...Copy !req
249. but if I locate them,
you'll be the first to know.Copy !req
250. Come. You walk me to a cab.Copy !req
251. Well, I...Copy !req
252. I don't want you to get upset
or anything...Copy !req
253. but with Martin and all, maybe it's
not a good idea to be seen together...Copy !req
254. in the building,
because he had a lot of friends.Copy !req
255. You are still afraid.
You are not a man.Copy !req
256. Well, then what are all those ties and
sport jackets doing in my closet?Copy !req
257. Are you going to walk me
to a cab or not?Copy !req
258. Yeah, all right, all right.Copy !req
259. - Why don't you just eat fruit.
- Fruit makes me incontinent.Copy !req
260. I don't want you eating over here.Copy !req
261. Hello, Gina. Hello, Jerry.Copy !req
262. Hello, Newman.Copy !req
263. Do you think Newman
would tell Martin if he wakes up?Copy !req
264. What kind of sicko would do that?
He could kill me.Copy !req
265. People smoke, Elaine.Copy !req
266. My mother smoked.Copy !req
267. It didn't hurt me.Copy !req
268. Did you guys see that wall move?Copy !req
269. Boy, it's a good thing we came.Copy !req
270. Could there be a native problem
in the Caymans?Copy !req
271. Maybe there's native unrest.Copy !req
272. Hi. I haven't eaten in three days.Copy !req
273. I was wondering how much longer
it would be till I get my X-ray.Copy !req
274. We'll call you.Copy !req
275. George, I want you to promise me
something. If I'm ever in a coma...Copy !req
276. in the first 24 hours, get everything
out of my place and put it in storage.Copy !req
277. - How come?
- Looters.Copy !req
278. How do we know the dog food's
any good?Copy !req
279. Who tastes it?Copy !req
280. She is really hungry.Copy !req
281. - Hey.
- Kramer.Copy !req
282. Well, Newman's upstairs
visiting Martin.Copy !req
283. Would you buy
my Cayman Island ticket?Copy !req
284. - You're not going?
- No.Copy !req
285. - Why not?
- The psychic said...Copy !req
286. something terrible will happen.Copy !req
287. I dig.Copy !req
288. I want my vacuum cleaner!Copy !req
289. Martin, I know you can hear me.Copy !req
290. Look, my mother's coming to visit me.
She sees that rug, she's gonna kill me.Copy !req
291. He can't hear you, you idiot.
Why don't you just buy another one.Copy !req
292. Why would I buy another one when
I spent 100 bucks on this one?Copy !req
293. I have a carpet sweeper
you can use.Copy !req
294. I don't want a carpet sweeper.
They don't do anything.Copy !req
295. It gets my rug clean.Copy !req
296. The carpet sweeper
is the biggest scam...Copy !req
297. perpetrated on the American
public since One Hour Martinizing.Copy !req
298. You should take a look
at my rug, then.Copy !req
299. I wouldn't set foot in your house.Copy !req
300. - Hello.
- Hey.Copy !req
301. Hello, Jerry.Copy !req
302. - How's he doing?
- Well, he looks happy to me.Copy !req
303. I hope he stays this happy
when he wakes up.Copy !req
304. - Why wouldn't he?
- No reason.Copy !req
305. He'll have a lot of catching up
to do, I guess.Copy !req
306. I'll bring him up to date.Copy !req
307. - How up to date?
- All the way up.Copy !req
308. Nothing could change your mind?Copy !req
309. Well, it would take a lot, because
a friend is something you earn.Copy !req
310. Jerry has a friend who has free tickets
to the Cayman Islands this weekend.Copy !req
311. He's not going.Copy !req
312. I don't care much for the beach.
I freckle.Copy !req
313. - Is that a...?
- Drake's Coffee Cake.Copy !req
314. Where did you get that?Copy !req
315. From my house.
I got a whole box of them.Copy !req
316. Boy. That's the full-size.Copy !req
317. That's your big boy.Copy !req
318. Can I have a bite?Copy !req
319. I don't like to give out bites.Copy !req
320. I got another one...Copy !req
321. but I'm saving it for later.Copy !req
322. Just one bite?Copy !req
323. I don't think so.
You know, they're so fragile.Copy !req
324. All right! All right.Copy !req
325. I won't say anything.Copy !req
326. - You swear?
- I swear.Copy !req
327. - On your mother's life?
- On my mother's life.Copy !req
328. But here it was...Copy !req
329. mountains of duck.Copy !req
330. And not fatty duck either,
but juicy, tender breasts of duck.Copy !req
331. - Beautifully sliced...
- Faithy!Copy !req
332. Sweetheart, no, don't run!Copy !req
333. You could take
as much as you want...Copy !req
334. Sweetheart! Sweetheart! Faithy!Copy !req
335. Hi. Hi! What are you doing here?
How did I know you were here?Copy !req
336. Something drew me here.
This is phenomenal.Copy !req
337. The nurse said she'd be back.Copy !req
338. Supposed to take me
to the delivery room.Copy !req
339. Oh, that's great. That's great.Copy !req
340. I have to apologize for my friend
the other day—Copy !req
341. Friend? I don't even
know that woman.Copy !req
342. I met her on the way over.
I couldn't get rid of her.Copy !req
343. I tell you, my psychic instincts
were a little off—Copy !req
344. - Where's the nurse?
- I'm sure she'll be right back.Copy !req
345. Sweetheart, why don't you
run and get a nurse for Mommy.Copy !req
346. I was just curious. The other day
you said something about my trip.Copy !req
347. - Don't take that trip.
- Yeah! Why? Why?Copy !req
348. - Because... Because...
- All right, Rula. It's time to go.Copy !req
349. Yeah, because...? Because...?Copy !req
350. Assassins! How dare they keep
a person waiting like this!Copy !req
351. Drake's Coffee Cake?Copy !req
352. - Give me that!
- Jerry, you better stop her or I'll tell!Copy !req
353. Elaine, no! No!Copy !req
354. Are there terrorists on the plane?
A hotel fire, is that it?Copy !req
355. Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever?
Lupus? Is it lupus?Copy !req
356. They did it right in this bed, Martin.
Right in front of you.Copy !req
357. - I want my vacuum cleaner!
- I can explain!Copy !req
358. It was disgusting!Copy !req
359. What are you doing?
We're going to dinner in 10 minutes.Copy !req
360. I never assisted in a birth before.Copy !req
361. It's really quite disgusting.Copy !req
362. - What did she name the kid?
- You wouldn't believe it.Copy !req
363. Rasputin.Copy !req
364. - Hey!
- Hey!Copy !req
365. - When did you get back?
- A couple hours ago.Copy !req
366. - So how was it?
- George...Copy !req
367. I would like to thank you
for the greatest four days of my life.Copy !req
368. They were shooting the
Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue...Copy !req
369. right in the hotel pool.
Not only that...Copy !req
370. the hotel opened up an area
on the beach for nude bathing...Copy !req
371. and all of the models
went down there.Copy !req
372. I am on the next blanket
from Elle Macpherson.Copy !req
373. We played backgammon nude.Copy !req
374. - Oh, she's a sweet kid.
- Nude backgammon...Copy !req
375. with swimsuit models!Copy !req
376. Oh, you know what? The second day
I was there, I stepped on a jellyfish.Copy !req
377. It stung my foot. That's probably what
Rula was trying to warn you about.Copy !req
378. - You gotta watch for the jellyfish.
- Yeah.Copy !req
379. What's this?Copy !req
380. It's an invitation to a housewarming
for Martin and Gina.Copy !req
381. - They moved in together?
- Yeah, some place in the Village.Copy !req
382. - Yeah.
- It's Elaine.Copy !req
383. All right, we're coming down.Copy !req
384. - Where you going?
- We're taking Elaine to dinner.Copy !req
385. She's gotta start the fast again.
You wanna go?Copy !req
386. I'd like to, but a bunch of us
from the islands are getting together.Copy !req
387. - Elle Macpherson gonna be there?
- I gotta call her back.Copy !req
388. The thing I don't understand
about the suicide person...Copy !req
389. is the people that try
and commit suicide...Copy !req
390. for some reason, they don't die,
and then that's it. They stop trying.Copy !req
391. Why?Copy !req
392. Why don't they just keep trying?
What has changed? Is their life better?Copy !req
393. No. In fact, it's worse,
because now they've found out...Copy !req
394. here's one more thing you stink at.Copy !req
395. That's why these people don't
succeed at life to begin with.Copy !req
396. Because they give up too easy.
I say pills don't work, try a rope.Copy !req
397. Car won't start in the garage?
Get a tune-up. You know what I mean?Copy !req
398. There's nothing more rewarding...Copy !req
399. than reaching a goal
you've set for yourself.Copy !req