1. Women put on perfume
in an interesting way.Copy !req
2. Ever notice that, guys?Copy !req
3. They have their little key,
Stratego little areas.Copy !req
4. Places they think we're going.Copy !req
5. And they always hit this one.Copy !req
6. Women are convinced...Copy !req
7. that this is the most action-packed
area that could ever happen...Copy !req
8. in the dating world.Copy !req
9. What is that, ladies?
What is happening here?Copy !req
10. Is that in case you slap the guy
or something?Copy !req
11. He still finds you intriguing?Copy !req
12. "Oh, Chanel!"Copy !req
13. She's a pianist, a classical pianist!
She plays the piano!Copy !req
14. She's a brilliant woman!Copy !req
15. I sat in her living room,
she played the Waldstein Sonata.Copy !req
16. The Waldstein!Copy !req
17. We did a crossword puzzle
together in bed.Copy !req
18. It was the most fun I ever
had in my entire life!Copy !req
19. Do you hear me? In my life!Copy !req
20. You know?Copy !req
21. Were you talking?
I couldn't hear anything.Copy !req
22. I was telling you about Noel.Copy !req
23. Oh, Noel, yeah.
The one that plays the bongos.Copy !req
24. So sidesplittingly funny.Copy !req
25. All right, I'm sorry. What about her?Copy !req
26. You think I'm gonna repeat
the whole thing?Copy !req
27. You told me you like her.
Everything's going good.Copy !req
28. No, everything's not going good.Copy !req
29. I'm very uncomfortable.
I have no power.Copy !req
30. Why should she have
the upper hand?Copy !req
31. For once, I'd like the upper hand.
I have no hand, no hand at all.Copy !req
32. She has the hand. I have no hand.Copy !req
33. - Hand me that, would you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
34. How do I get the hand?Copy !req
35. We all want the hand.
Hand is tough to get.Copy !req
36. You gotta get the hand
right from the opening.Copy !req
37. She's playing a recital at
the McBierny School.Copy !req
38. I got two extra tickets.
You and Elaine could go.Copy !req
39. Yeah, that sounds like something.Copy !req
40. Then afterwards, maybe we could all
go out together.Copy !req
41. You know, she'll see me
with my friends.Copy !req
42. She'll observe me
as I really am, as myself.Copy !req
43. Maybe I can get some hand that way.Copy !req
44. - Oh, hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
45. Hey, smell my arm.Copy !req
46. - What?
- Smell it. Smell it.Copy !req
47. With all due respect,
I don't think so.Copy !req
48. - Jerry, smell.
- That smells good. What is that?Copy !req
49. - The beach.
- The beach?Copy !req
50. Did you go swimming?
It's 29 degrees.Copy !req
51. No, I just joined the Polar Bear Club.Copy !req
52. - You joined the Polar Bears?
- What the hell's a Polar Bear?Copy !req
53. These people go swimming
in the winter. They're terrific.Copy !req
54. I just took my first swim today.Copy !req
55. - It's invigorating.
- Yeah...Copy !req
56. so is shock therapy.Copy !req
57. - What is that, a PEZ dispenser?
- Yeah. You want one?Copy !req
58. I just bought it at the flea market.
You want one?Copy !req
59. Hey, what goes on there, exactly?Copy !req
60. You don't know?Copy !req
61. No, I know. I know.Copy !req
62. You think they have fleas there,
don't you?Copy !req
63. - No.
- Yes, you do, Biff.Copy !req
64. You've never been,
and you think they have fleas there.Copy !req
65. All right, I think they have
fleas there. So what?Copy !req
66. - Here, you want this?
- You don't want it?Copy !req
67. - No, I bought five of them.
- Wow, great. Thanks.Copy !req
68. I don't know how anyone does this.
This must be so nerve-racking.Copy !req
69. How do they warm up their fingers?Copy !req
70. They have a piano backstage
they warm up on.Copy !req
71. No. We would have heard it.Copy !req
72. You think they just crack
their knuckles and come out?Copy !req
73. - I told her we'd go out afterwards.
- Sure.Copy !req
74. Don't applaud when she stops playing
the first time. It's not over yet.Copy !req
75. I really resent that.
That's directed at me, isn't it?Copy !req
76. Is this okay? Can I do this?Copy !req
77. Oh, God.Copy !req
78. Something I said?Copy !req
79. It's John Mollica.Copy !req
80. Oh. Oh, John. Oh, hi, John.Copy !req
81. - Hi.
- What are you doing out here?Copy !req
82. I was just at this recital...Copy !req
83. and Jerry put this PEZ dispenser
on my leg...Copy !req
84. and I just started laughing.Copy !req
85. - Jerry's in there?
- Yeah.Copy !req
86. - I heard you guys broke up.
- We did. We're just hanging out.Copy !req
87. Really? Boy...Copy !req
88. you really look great.Copy !req
89. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
90. Hey, are you still friends
with Richie Appel?Copy !req
91. Oh, Richie? He's been doing comedy
in L.A. for a couple of years.Copy !req
92. He just got back a month ago.Copy !req
93. He's kind of messed up on drugs.Copy !req
94. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
95. Have you thought
about an intervention?Copy !req
96. - What's that?
- You get all his friends in a room...Copy !req
97. and they confront him
to try to get him into rehab.Copy !req
98. It's a very popular thing now.Copy !req
99. Well, he'd never listen to anyone.Copy !req
100. Except, of course, Jerry.Copy !req
101. He'd listen to Jerry.Copy !req
102. Jerry would have to be involved.Copy !req
103. He really respects Jerry.Copy !req
104. I'm sorry, George. I'm sorry.Copy !req
105. What did you put the PEZ dispenser
on her leg for?Copy !req
106. - I don't know. It was an impulse.
- What kind of a sick impulse is that?Copy !req
107. How could I know she'd start to laugh?Copy !req
108. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am.Copy !req
109. - Could we go in already?
- What are we gonna tell her?Copy !req
110. - I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
- No, don't say a word.Copy !req
111. If she thinks my friends are jerks,
then I'm a jerk.Copy !req
112. Remind me to talk to you
about something.Copy !req
113. - What about?
- Hey, we're discussing something.Copy !req
114. I know, but I'm distracted now.Copy !req
115. What are you, a baby?Copy !req
116. All right, tell him.Copy !req
117. When I was outside,
I ran into John Mollica.Copy !req
118. - Really? John Mollica?
- Yeah.Copy !req
119. The guy that used to bartend
at the comedy club.Copy !req
120. - How's he doing?
- He's good.Copy !req
121. Could we cut to the chase?Copy !req
122. "Cut to the chase"?Copy !req
123. - Yeah.
- What are you, Joe Hollywood?Copy !req
124. A lot of people say it.Copy !req
125. I would lose that.Copy !req
126. What's that?Copy !req
127. "Lose that"? That's not
a Hollywood expression.Copy !req
128. Yes, it is.Copy !req
129. Anyway...Copy !req
130. So John told me that Richie
is in town from Los Angeles...Copy !req
131. and he's really
messed up on drugs.Copy !req
132. So I told him
he should do an intervention.Copy !req
133. - Really? An intervention?
- We got a situation over here!Copy !req
134. - But he wants you to be a part of it.
- Why me?Copy !req
135. He says Richie really respects you,
and he would listen to you.Copy !req
136. These things are really hard to load.Copy !req
137. All right, okay. All right, I'm going in.Copy !req
138. - We got to talk about this.
- All right.Copy !req
139. Hi. Hi. Hi.Copy !req
140. - You were wonderful. Wonderful.
- No, no.Copy !req
141. These are my friends,
Elaine and Jerry. Noel.Copy !req
142. You play a hell of a piano.Copy !req
143. Yeah, I was really moved.
Really moved.Copy !req
144. Didn't you hear that person laughing?Copy !req
145. I couldn't play. I was humiliated!Copy !req
146. I'm sure it wasn't at you.Copy !req
147. Well, then what was she laughing at?Copy !req
148. - PEZ?
- No, thank you.Copy !req
149. Did you see her?Copy !req
150. Me? No, I...Copy !req
151. Anyone who would laugh
at a recital...Copy !req
152. ..is probably some sort
of lunatic, anyway.Copy !req
153. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind
could be that rude and ignorant.Copy !req
154. Well, you know, maybe some
mental defective...Copy !req
155. put something stupid on her leg.Copy !req
156. Even if this so-called mental defective
did put something on her leg...Copy !req
157. she's still the one who laughed.Copy !req
158. I'll never forget that laugh
for the rest of my life.Copy !req
159. I'm sure she would apologize
if she could.Copy !req
160. Probably someone
is holding her back...Copy !req
161. maybe against
every fibre of her being.Copy !req
162. If she wants to continue to have a fibre
of her being, she'll be very careful.Copy !req
163. - Don't hit me.
- Stop it.Copy !req
164. All right. So you ready?Copy !req
165. We'll go out,
and we'll have a bite to eat.Copy !req
166. I don't feel like it tonight.Copy !req
167. - We'll be outside.
- Yeah.Copy !req
168. It was nice meeting you.Copy !req
169. By the way, how do you warm up
your fingers before you play?Copy !req
170. I just crack my knuckles.Copy !req
171. Come on, we'll have a good time.Copy !req
172. - Well, I'm really not in the mood.
- Come on...Copy !req
173. I said, I don't feel like it.Copy !req
174. All right...Copy !req
175. I'll— I'll call you.Copy !req
176. I'll call you,
and we'll talk on the phone.Copy !req
177. Have a telephone communiqué.Copy !req
178. So, fine. Everything's fine.
Everything good?Copy !req
179. Good. I feel good. Fine.
That's fine. That's good.Copy !req
180. Okay. Okey-doke.Copy !req
181. You know, I think Kramer might
have been indirectly responsible...Copy !req
182. for getting Richie
involved in drugs.Copy !req
183. What? How?Copy !req
184. A few years ago, the comedy club
had a softball team.Copy !req
185. Kramer was our first baseman.Copy !req
186. You couldn't get anything by him.
He was unbelievable.Copy !req
187. Anyway, this one game, we came back
to win from, like, eight runs behind.Copy !req
188. So Kramer says to Richie:Copy !req
189. "Why don't you dump the bucket
of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head?"Copy !req
190. - The club owner.
- Yeah.Copy !req
191. So Richie goes ahead and does it.Copy !req
192. - So? What happened?
- What happened?Copy !req
193. The guy was, like, 67 years old.
It was freezing out.Copy !req
194. He caught a cold, developed
pneumonia, a month later...Copy !req
195. - ... he was dead.
- Shut up.Copy !req
196. All the comedians were happy...Copy !req
197. because he's one of these
club owners nobody liked.Copy !req
198. But Richie was never the same.Copy !req
199. - What about Kramer?
- He's the same.Copy !req
200. Are you sure you want me, John?Copy !req
201. I mean, I haven't spoken
to Richie in two years.Copy !req
202. I don't have a good apartment
for an intervention.Copy !req
203. The furniture,
it's very nonconfrontational.Copy !req
204. All right, all right. Goodbye.Copy !req
205. Remember Richie Appel?Copy !req
206. Oh, sure. The guy I told to pour the
Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?Copy !req
207. Right. John Mollica is organizing
some kind of intervention for him.Copy !req
208. We're having it here.Copy !req
209. Can I get in on that?Copy !req
210. What do you think,
it's like a poker game?Copy !req
211. - Is Elaine going?
- Yeah.Copy !req
212. Well, I knew him as well as she did.Copy !req
213. Yeah, but John invited her.Copy !req
214. So wait, you don't want me
to intervene?Copy !req
215. No, intervene, go ahead.
Intervene all you want.Copy !req
216. I'm just afraid you might be interfering
while we're intervening.Copy !req
217. - Yeah?
- It's George.Copy !req
218. Come on up.Copy !req
219. Stop smelling your arm!Copy !req
220. You know, I got a great idea
for a cologne.Copy !req
221. It's called "The Beach."Copy !req
222. You spray it on, and it's just like
you came home from the beach.Copy !req
223. A cologne that smells
like the beach.Copy !req
224. I can't believe I'm saying this,
but that's not a bad idea.Copy !req
225. Tell me about it.Copy !req
226. Why don't you call Steve D'Giff?Copy !req
227. He works in the marketing department
at Calvin Klein.Copy !req
228. In fact, he's a good friend
of John Mollica and Richie, also.Copy !req
229. Okay.Copy !req
230. Well, it's over. It's definitely over.Copy !req
231. - She broke up with you?
- No, but she's going to.Copy !req
232. I can sense it. We had this
terrible phone conversation.Copy !req
233. I was so nervous before I called,
I made a list of things to talk about.Copy !req
234. What was on the list?Copy !req
235. Let's see.Copy !req
236. "I'm very good
at going in reverse in my car.Copy !req
237. Why isn't Postum
a more popular drink?"Copy !req
238. Yeah, Postum is underrated.Copy !req
239. Anyway, there was all this tension.Copy !req
240. I asked her if she wanted
to go out to dinner...Copy !req
241. and she said,
"No, maybe we could have lunch."Copy !req
242. - You know what that means.
- What's wrong with lunch?Copy !req
243. Lunch is fine at the beginning,
then you move on to dinner.Copy !req
244. You don't go back to lunch.
It's like being demoted.Copy !req
245. I'll never do a crossword puzzle
with her again, I know it.Copy !req
246. I like the jumble.
You ever do the jumble?Copy !req
247. I have no power, you understand?Copy !req
248. I need hand! I have no hand!Copy !req
249. - Why don't you break up with her.
- What?Copy !req
250. Break up with her.
You reverse everything that way.Copy !req
251. A preemptive breakup.Copy !req
252. A preemptive breakup.Copy !req
253. - This is an incredible idea.
- Yeah.Copy !req
254. I got nothing to lose.Copy !req
255. We either break up,
which she would do anyway...Copy !req
256. but I go out with some dignity...Copy !req
257. or I completely turn the tables!Copy !req
258. This is absolutely brilliant!Copy !req
259. So I'm afraid I...Copy !req
260. am gonna have to
break up with you.Copy !req
261. - You're breaking up with me?
- Yes.Copy !req
262. I...Copy !req
263. am breaking up with you.Copy !req
264. - Wow.
- Shocked?Copy !req
265. - I really am.
- Never expected this, did you?Copy !req
266. - I thought everything was fine.
- Well, live and learn.Copy !req
267. Well, I don't understand.
You didn't enjoy being with me?Copy !req
268. Didn't we have fun
doing the crossword puzzle?Copy !req
269. Kind of.Copy !req
270. - I'm very confused.
- Well, I didn't mean to hurt you, kid.Copy !req
271. - I thought—
- Now, stop it, please.Copy !req
272. What do you want?
I know I can make you happy.Copy !req
273. When you're playing the piano...Copy !req
274. do you think about me?Copy !req
275. - I don't know.
- This is what I'm talking about.Copy !req
276. Okay, I'll think about you.Copy !req
277. - All the time?
- All the time?Copy !req
278. - You know—
- Okay, all the time.Copy !req
279. - I can't hear you.
- All the time!Copy !req
280. See? It's not so hard.Copy !req
281. Go ahead. Smell. Smell it.Copy !req
282. - Yeah? So?
- Now, you recognize it?Copy !req
283. I don't know.Copy !req
284. The beach.Copy !req
285. - What are you talking about?
- Oh, I'm talking about the beach.Copy !req
286. What about it?Copy !req
287. You know the way you smell...Copy !req
288. when you first come home
from the beach?Copy !req
289. Well, I want to make
a cologne that captures...Copy !req
290. the essence of that smell.Copy !req
291. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
292. That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard.Copy !req
293. Whoa, wait a minute. You...Copy !req
294. Did you hear what I just said?Copy !req
295. You think people
are gonna pay $80 a bottle...Copy !req
296. to smell like dead fish
and seaweed?Copy !req
297. That's why people take showers
when they come home from the beach.Copy !req
298. It's an objectionable, offensive odour.Copy !req
299. So you don't think
that it's a good idea?Copy !req
300. The membranes get dry,
and it just starts bleeding.Copy !req
301. Since I was a kid, so I have to
stick a tissue up there.Copy !req
302. You have to work like that?Copy !req
303. Yeah. Nobody minds.Copy !req
304. Nobody's ever said anything to me.Copy !req
305. - There any ice cubes?
- Whatever's in the freezer.Copy !req
306. I looked. I don't see any ice cubes.Copy !req
307. Well, then I guess
there's no ice cubes.Copy !req
308. I can't drink this. It's warm.Copy !req
309. John, shouldn't we rehearse this...Copy !req
310. before Richie comes?
What's the plan?Copy !req
311. Do I have to talk?
I don't want to.Copy !req
312. If he's not gonna talk,
then I don't want to.Copy !req
313. - No, we all have to talk!
- What's the order?Copy !req
314. Alphabetical order.
You're first, Roberta.Copy !req
315. - Why am I first?
- Albano's your last name.Copy !req
316. - Not anymore. I'm divorced.
- I'll go first.Copy !req
317. - Oh, hey!
- Hey.Copy !req
318. - Is this the interference?
- Intervention.Copy !req
319. - What are you doing here?
- Oh, is it all right if I stay?Copy !req
320. He can't stay.
This is for close friends only.Copy !req
321. Hey, I'm a friend.Copy !req
322. Who told him to pour the Gatorade
over Marty Benson's head?Copy !req
323. - Oh, let him stay.
- Yeah.Copy !req
324. Hey, I got somebody to make up
that cologne for me, bigmouth.Copy !req
325. Somebody's going to make that crap?Copy !req
326. - Kramer!
- Hey, you guys! All right!Copy !req
327. Come on in. These are some
of my Polar Bear buddies.Copy !req
328. - They can't stay.
- You're having a party here?Copy !req
329. No, we're having an intervention.Copy !req
330. An intervention? Who's intervening?Copy !req
331. He's a friend of ours on drugs,
and we're gonna confront him.Copy !req
332. Sure. We used to do that...Copy !req
333. when one of our Polar Bears stopped
coming. We'd go to his house:Copy !req
334. "What, you don't want to be
a Polar Bear anymore?Copy !req
335. - It's too cold for you?"
- It's him!Copy !req
336. - What do we do?
- Hide!Copy !req
337. It's not a surprise party!Copy !req
338. - Yeah?
- It's George.Copy !req
339. Come on up.Copy !req
340. It's not him.Copy !req
341. You don't wanna go out with me
because I'm a bartender, right?Copy !req
342. Look, you know, I don't really think
that this is appropriate right now.Copy !req
343. Is it because I have a tissue
in my nose?Copy !req
344. - You're getting warm.
- Hey, we just...Copy !req
345. We just came from Chadway's.
What's going on?Copy !req
346. The intervention.
We're waiting for Richie.Copy !req
347. Right, the intervention.
Should we leave?Copy !req
348. - Well...
- Elaine, hi.Copy !req
349. Hi, Noel.Copy !req
350. Well, you're looking well.Copy !req
351. Jerry, let me tell you something.Copy !req
352. A man without hand is not a man.Copy !req
353. I've got so much hand,
I'm coming out of my gloves.Copy !req
354. I gotta thank Kramer.Copy !req
355. Even if I were dragged
through manure...Copy !req
356. I still wouldn't put that stuff on.Copy !req
357. This man is a genius! A genius!Copy !req
358. - You think so?
- I don't think so, I know so.Copy !req
359. Come here. I gotta talk to you.Copy !req
360. The male kangaroo
doesn't have a pouch.Copy !req
361. Only the female has it...Copy !req
362. so the male has pouch envy!Copy !req
363. "Why should she have
this huge pouch and I have nothing?Copy !req
364. I have things to carry too.Copy !req
365. At least give me a pocket."Copy !req
366. That laugh. That's the laugh.Copy !req
367. - That's it! You're the one!
- No, no.Copy !req
368. No, it was an accident.
It wasn't my fault! It was Jerry!Copy !req
369. Jerry put a PEZ dispenser
on my leg!Copy !req
370. You put a PEZ dispenser
on her leg during my recital?Copy !req
371. - I didn't know she would laugh.
- And, you...Copy !req
372. You lied to me, George.
You lied to me!Copy !req
373. No, I— I didn't. What did I do?Copy !req
374. Where are you going?Copy !req
375. I am breaking up with you.Copy !req
376. You can't break up with me.
I've got hand!Copy !req
377. And you're gonna need it.Copy !req
378. Noel!Copy !req
379. - Hey, Richie!
- Hey, Richie.Copy !req
380. So, what's going on?Copy !req
381. So we start the intervention,
and it's pretty ugly from the get-go.Copy !req
382. He's not listening, he's hostile,
he's talking back.Copy !req
383. I can't do these puzzles.Copy !req
384. So he starts to get up.Copy !req
385. Suddenly, he spots the PEZ dispenser
on the coffee table.Copy !req
386. The PEZ dispenser.Copy !req
387. He picks it up, he's staring at it.Copy !req
388. It's like he's hypnotized by it.Copy !req
389. Then he's telling us this story
about how when he was a kid...Copy !req
390. he was in the car
with his father...Copy !req
391. and his father was trying
to load one of them.Copy !req
392. - Well, they're hard to load.
- Tell me something I don't know.Copy !req
393. So as the father's trying to load it,
he loses control of the car...Copy !req
394. crashes into a high school cafeteria.Copy !req
395. - Get out.
- Nobody's hurt...Copy !req
396. but PEZ was all over the car.Copy !req
397. And the dispenser was destroyed...Copy !req
398. virtually beyond recognition.Copy !req
399. - Poor kid.
- So as he's telling the story...Copy !req
400. he starts crying.Copy !req
401. - What did you do?
- What do you think?Copy !req
402. - I gave him my PEZ dispenser.
- Wow.Copy !req
403. Two hours later,
he checks into Smither's clinic.Copy !req
404. Talked to the doctor yesterday.
He's doing great on the rehab...Copy !req
405. he's hooked on PEZ.Copy !req
406. He's eating them
like there's no tomorrow.Copy !req
407. What's a three-letter word for candy?Copy !req
408. I can't do those things.Copy !req
409. Jawbreakers, to me, was like
the ultimate challenge candy.Copy !req
410. It was like candy manufacturers were
sitting in their laboratories, going:Copy !req
411. "I wonder if they'll eat this.Copy !req
412. This seems pretty tough to eat.Copy !req
413. Let's market it
as some sort of experiment."Copy !req
414. But the concept of Jawbreakers—
What was the concept?Copy !req
415. Multicoloured cement balls
for a quarter?Copy !req
416. Was that the idea behind it?Copy !req
417. "Let's see if we can hurt them.Copy !req
418. Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt."Copy !req
419. This is the idea behind Jawbreakers.Copy !req
420. I did it, I ate them, I loved them.Copy !req
421. "Oh, this is very painful.
I'm really hurting.Copy !req
422. And this is hurting me a lot.
I love them."Copy !req