1. Every mall has a Hoffritz in it.Copy !req
2. That's got to be a scary place
to work. I don't know how you feel.Copy !req
3. Do you want to stand there
having people going:Copy !req
4. "I need knives.
I need more knives.Copy !req
5. Do you have any bigger knives?Copy !req
6. I'd like a bigger knife.
A big, long, sharp knife.Copy !req
7. That's what I'm in the market for.
I like them really sharp.Copy !req
8. Do you have one
with hooks and gouges...Copy !req
9. and blades
that are kind of serrated?Copy !req
10. That's the kind of knife
I'm looking for.Copy !req
11. I need one I can throw.
I need one I can hack away with.Copy !req
12. Do you have anything like that?"Copy !req
13. Like you know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
14. Oh, no. You do?Copy !req
15. Well, what do you think,
they put the statue on a giant raft...Copy !req
16. and a tugboat pulled it
all the way from France?Copy !req
17. Think they brought it in pieces...Copy !req
18. and screwed it together
like a coffee table?Copy !req
19. What's going on? It's a little early
for a Christmas party.Copy !req
20. - Why'd France give that to us anyway?
- It was a gift.Copy !req
21. Countries just exchange gifts
like that?Copy !req
22. If they like each other.Copy !req
23. - There's Elaine.
- See that guy she's talking with?Copy !req
24. - That's her new boyfriend.
- Really?Copy !req
25. He works here in the office?Copy !req
26. They're having a little fling,
so don't say anything to anyone.Copy !req
27. Who am I gonna tell, my mother?
Like I have nothing better to talk about.Copy !req
28. You don't.Copy !req
29. He's a recovering alcoholic.Copy !req
30. - Really?
- He's been off the wagon two years.Copy !req
31. - "Off the wagon"?
- I think it's "off the wagon."Copy !req
32. I think it's "on the wagon."Copy !req
33. Jerry, George,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
34. What am I doing here?Copy !req
35. My God! My watch!
You found my watch.Copy !req
36. Keep your hands to yourself
if you know what's good for you.Copy !req
37. - Where'd you find it?
- Under the sofa cushion.Copy !req
38. - You stopped by just to give it to me?
- It's your Christmas present.Copy !req
39. - I thought I'd never find it.
- Today's your lucky day.Copy !req
40. No, today is your lucky day.Copy !req
41. - It would be my first one.
- You want to work here?Copy !req
42. - What?
- Yeah. One of the readers just left.Copy !req
43. There's a job opening.Copy !req
44. Dick, this is Jerry.
And this is George.Copy !req
45. - Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Is this the guy?Copy !req
46. "The guy"?Copy !req
47. - Dick.
- How can you just get it?Copy !req
48. My boss said to find someone.
I'm in charge.Copy !req
49. All you have to do is meet him.
Come on.Copy !req
50. - No, come on. Hold my drink.
- Cranberry juice?Copy !req
51. And vodka. Come on.Copy !req
52. I got the cranberry juice.Copy !req
53. So...Copy !req
54. - ... you're Jerry.
- So...Copy !req
55. I'm Jerry.Copy !req
56. So have you ever done
this kind of work before?Copy !req
57. Well, you know, book reports,
that kind of stuff.Copy !req
58. - Who do you read?
- I like Mike Lupica.Copy !req
59. Mike Lupica?Copy !req
60. He's a sportswriter
for the Daily News.Copy !req
61. - I find him very insightful.
- No, I mean authors.Copy !req
62. Well...Copy !req
63. a lot of good ones.
Lot of good ones.Copy !req
64. I don't even wanna
mention anybody...Copy !req
65. because I'm afraid I'm gonna
leave somebody out.Copy !req
66. - Name a couple.
- Who do I like?Copy !req
67. I like Art Vandalay.Copy !req
68. - Art Vandalay?
- He's an obscure writer.Copy !req
69. Beatnik, you know, from the village.Copy !req
70. What's he written?Copy !req
71. Venetian Blinds.Copy !req
72. I got news for you.
I'm funnier than you are.Copy !req
73. Why don't we get together New Year's,
watch some football?Copy !req
74. - Where's my drink?
- There. So how'd it go?Copy !req
75. I think he's impressed.Copy !req
76. No, no, this is just cranberry juice.Copy !req
77. I think maybe Dick picked up yours.Copy !req
78. Dick?Copy !req
79. He can't drink. He's an alcoholic.
I told you to hold it.Copy !req
80. I didn't know you meant hold it.
I thought you meant hold it.Copy !req
81. One drink like that,
and he could fall right off the wagon.Copy !req
82. Told you.Copy !req
83. I never feel comfortable
in the women's department.Copy !req
84. I feel like I'm just a little too close
to trying on a dress.Copy !req
85. Do I really have to
buy her something?Copy !req
86. The woman got you a job.
Least you could do is buy her a gift.Copy !req
87. How about this?Copy !req
88. - What is that, cashmere?
- Yeah. She loves cashmere.Copy !req
89. Who doesn't like cashmere?Copy !req
90. Find me one person that doesn't
like cashmere. It's too expensive.Copy !req
91. Wow, look at this.
It's $85, marked down from 600.Copy !req
92. - Excuse me, miss?
- Yes.Copy !req
93. How come this sweater's only $85?Copy !req
94. Oh, here. This is why.Copy !req
95. - What? I don't see anything.
- See this red dot?Copy !req
96. - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, it's damaged.Copy !req
97. It's not really damaged.Copy !req
98. Wow. $85?Copy !req
99. There's no exchanges on this.Copy !req
100. - Think she'd care about the dot?
- It's hard to say.Copy !req
101. I don't think she'd notice.
Can you see it?Copy !req
102. - Well, I can see it.
- But you know where it is.Copy !req
103. - What do you want me to do, not look?
- Pretend you didn't know it was there.Copy !req
104. - Can you see it?
- It's hard to pretend...Copy !req
105. - ... because I know where it is.
- Can't you take an overview?Copy !req
106. You want me to take an overview?Copy !req
107. I see a cheap man
holding a sweater...Copy !req
108. trying to get away with something.
That's my overview.Copy !req
109. - Yeah, so?
- He's acting very strangely.Copy !req
110. I think he started drinking again.Copy !req
111. - Oh, boy. Can you smell it?
- No, I can't smell it.Copy !req
112. If you can't smell it,
then he hasn't been drinking.Copy !req
113. - You don't always smell from a drink.
- Yes, you do.Copy !req
114. What about one drink?
Would you smell from one drink?Copy !req
115. Yes, you would.Copy !req
116. - I'll prove it.
- How?Copy !req
117. - Would you do me a favour?
- Okay.Copy !req
118. Would you take a drink,
and let us smell you?Copy !req
119. You can smell me without the drink.Copy !req
120. No, no.Copy !req
121. I suspect that this guy I'm seeing
might be drinking, but I can't smell it.Copy !req
122. - Come on.
- Okay. Well, what am I drinking?Copy !req
123. I got a bottle of Scotch my uncle
gave me. Hennigan's.Copy !req
124. It's been there two years.
I've been using it as a paint thinner.Copy !req
125. All right.Copy !req
126. - I don't smell anything.
- We're too close to the bottle.Copy !req
127. - Yeah?
- It's George.Copy !req
128. - Come on up.
- That is damn good Scotch.Copy !req
129. I could do a commercial
for this stuff.Copy !req
130. Boy, that Hennigan
goes down smooth...Copy !req
131. and afterwards,
you don't even smell.Copy !req
132. That's right, folks. I just had three
shots of Hennigan's, and I don't smell.Copy !req
133. Imagine, you can walk around
drunk all day.Copy !req
134. That's Hennigan's,
the no-smell, no-tell Scotch.Copy !req
135. - Hello, everybody.
- Hey, George, come here.Copy !req
136. I'm gonna tell you what I think.Copy !req
137. I know you don't care what I think,
but I'm gonna tell you.Copy !req
138. I think that you are terrific.Copy !req
139. That's all.Copy !req
140. Thank you.Copy !req
141. - Hey, what's that?
- It's an early Christmas present.Copy !req
142. - A Christmas present?
- That's right.Copy !req
143. - For who?
- For you.Copy !req
144. Get out of here.Copy !req
145. Say you got a big job interview
and you're nervous.Copy !req
146. Throw back a couple of shots
of Hennigan's...Copy !req
147. and you'll be as loose as a goose
and ready to roll in no time.Copy !req
148. And because it's odourless,
why, it'll be our little secret.Copy !req
149. Kramer.Copy !req
150. Yeah. That'll do.Copy !req
151. Oh, George, this is beautiful.
Is this cashmere?Copy !req
152. - Of course it's cashmere.
- Oh, I love cashmere.Copy !req
153. - Who doesn't?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
154. George, this must have
cost a fortune.Copy !req
155. Money.Copy !req
156. Jerry, how could you
let him spend so much?Copy !req
157. I tried to stop him.Copy !req
158. I couldn't. He just wants
to make people happy.Copy !req
159. George, this is one of the nicest
things anyone has ever given me.Copy !req
160. Good. Good. Listen, take it off.
You're gonna wear it out already.Copy !req
161. It's for special occasions, this thing.Copy !req
162. What's that red dot
on your sweater?Copy !req
163. - What?
- Listen, take it off.Copy !req
164. I'm getting hot just looking at it.Copy !req
165. What is this?
It's like a red dot.Copy !req
166. What? What red dot?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
167. Jerry, come here for a second.
Do you see anything here?Copy !req
168. I don't know.Copy !req
169. I don't know.Copy !req
170. - What don't you know?
- I don't know.Copy !req
171. Well, do you see it, or don't you?Copy !req
172. Say that again.Copy !req
173. Do you see it, or don't you?Copy !req
174. Do I see it or don't I?
That's the question.Copy !req
175. Now, what did you ask me again?Copy !req
176. You're still here?
You're a dynamo.Copy !req
177. - I can't believe I get paid for this.
- God.Copy !req
178. I'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
179. - How you doing?
- Hello.Copy !req
180. You had sex with the cleaning woman
on your desk?Copy !req
181. Who are you?
How did you do that?Copy !req
182. Hennigan's.Copy !req
183. Hennigan's?Copy !req
184. I was sitting there in the office,
and the cleaning woman comes in.Copy !req
185. I've always been attracted
to cleaning women.Copy !req
186. Cleaning women, chambermaids...Copy !req
187. Yeah, chambermaids,
I'm attracted to them too.Copy !req
188. - Why is that?
- It's a woman in your room.Copy !req
189. - So go ahead.
- So...Copy !req
190. she starts vacuuming,
back and forth, back and forth...Copy !req
191. her hips swivelling...Copy !req
192. her breasts...Copy !req
193. Convulsing?Copy !req
194. - Convulsing?
- I don't know. I'm trying to help you.Copy !req
195. So then I asked her
if she wanted a drink.Copy !req
196. - You don't drink.
- I couldn't think of anything else to say.Copy !req
197. - So you started drinking.
- So we started drinking, and...Copy !req
198. I don't know if it was the alcohol
or the ammonia...Copy !req
199. but the next thing I knew,
she was mopping the floor with me.Copy !req
200. - And how was it?
- The sex was okay...Copy !req
201. but I threw up
from the Hennigan's.Copy !req
202. Good thing the cleaning lady
was there.Copy !req
203. Dick was fired.Copy !req
204. You mean to tell me, I put that drink
six inches over to the right...Copy !req
205. - ... and this wouldn't have happened?
- You knew he was an alcoholic.Copy !req
206. - Why'd you put the drink down?
- What are you saying?Copy !req
207. - I'm not saying anything.
- Yes, you are.Copy !req
208. - What could I be saying?
- You must be saying something.Copy !req
209. If I was, I would have said it.Copy !req
210. - Say it.
- I said it.Copy !req
211. - What did you say?
- Nothing.Copy !req
212. It's exhausting being with you.Copy !req
213. - Yeah.
- It's George.Copy !req
214. - Come on up.
- Hey.Copy !req
215. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
216. Did George buy that sweater
knowing the red dot was on it...Copy !req
217. because it was cheaper?Copy !req
218. - Okay. You just gave me the answer.
- No, I didn't.Copy !req
219. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
I saw your expression.Copy !req
220. I didn't have an expression.
I have a deviated septum.Copy !req
221. I have to—Copy !req
222. I have to open my mouth
sometimes to breathe.Copy !req
223. How much did he save?Copy !req
224. Frankly, I am shocked that you
could ask such a question of me.Copy !req
225. If I— The only surprise was how
you could even think of that.Copy !req
226. That's what you were seeing.Copy !req
227. I have to talk to you.Copy !req
228. This cleaning woman's
turning the screws on me.Copy !req
229. She's pushing for this
whole relationship thing.Copy !req
230. She keeps calling me.
She's threatening to go to the boss.Copy !req
231. I could lose my job.
I gotta keep her quiet.Copy !req
232. Elaine's in the bathroom.
She's wise to the red-dot thing.Copy !req
233. She's asking me
all kinds of questions about it.Copy !req
234. - Did you tell her anything?
- No.Copy !req
235. - You swear?
- I'm not swearing. I don't wanna swear.Copy !req
236. - Come on, swear.
- No.Copy !req
237. - Oh, you told her, didn't you?
- No.Copy !req
238. Hey, George, did you buy that sweater
knowing the red dot was on it...Copy !req
239. because you could get it
at a discount?Copy !req
240. What?Copy !req
241. - Did I what?
- You did, didn't you?Copy !req
242. Elaine, I'm shocked.
I'm shocked.Copy !req
243. Here I go out, in the spirit of the
season and spend all my savings...Copy !req
244. to buy you the most beautiful
Christmas sweater I have ever seen...Copy !req
245. to show my appreciation to you
at Christmas...Copy !req
246. and this is the thanks I get
at Christmas.Copy !req
247. - Well, Jerry told me that you did.
- You told her?Copy !req
248. How could you tell her?
What kind of friend are you?Copy !req
249. I didn't tell her, you stupid idiot.
She tricked you.Copy !req
250. Elaine, you don't understand.Copy !req
251. I had a 103 temperature
when I bought that sweater.Copy !req
252. I was so dizzy, I was seeing
red dots everywhere.Copy !req
253. I thought everything in the store
had a red dot on it.Copy !req
254. I couldn't distinguish one red dot
from the other.Copy !req
255. I couldn't afford anything.Copy !req
256. I have nothing. I haven't worked
for a really long time.Copy !req
257. I mean, look, I have no clothes.Copy !req
258. Look at what I'm wearing.Copy !req
259. It was just a little red dot.Copy !req
260. A little red dot.Copy !req
261. - This is for you.
- Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me?Copy !req
262. Oh, I knew you cared for me.Copy !req
263. As you care for me,
which is why it's very important...Copy !req
264. that you never breathe a word
to anyone about...Copy !req
265. You know? What with
Clarence Thomas and everything.Copy !req
266. - Okay. Can I open it now?
- Yes, of course. Go ahead.Copy !req
267. My guess is you're gonna
like this very much.Copy !req
268. - Is that cashmere?
- Of course it's cashmere.Copy !req
269. Oh, a cashmere sweater.Copy !req
270. Oh, Georgie Porgie.Copy !req
271. Just a little something for Christmas.Copy !req
272. When I was a little girl in Panama,
a rich American came to our town.Copy !req
273. And he was wearing the softest,
most beautiful sweater.Copy !req
274. I said, "What do you call
this beautiful fabric?"Copy !req
275. And he said:Copy !req
276. "They call it cashmere."Copy !req
277. I repeated the word.
"Cashmere, cashmere"...Copy !req
278. and I asked him if I could have it...Copy !req
279. and he said:Copy !req
280. "No. Get away from me."Copy !req
281. And he started to walk away.Copy !req
282. Oh, but I grabbed onto his leg...Copy !req
283. screaming for him
to give me the sweater...Copy !req
284. and he dragged me
through the streets.Copy !req
285. And then he kicked me
with the other foot...Copy !req
286. and he threw some change at me.Copy !req
287. But I didn't want the change, Georgie.Copy !req
288. I wanted the cashmere.Copy !req
289. I had a feeling you would like it.Copy !req
290. - I'm going to try it on.
- No. Don't try it on now. Try it later.Copy !req
291. Oh, look, it fits beautiful.Copy !req
292. All right, take it off.
You're gonna ruin it.Copy !req
293. What's this?Copy !req
294. I was in a men's room the other day.Copy !req
295. They had the hand blower instead of
the paper towels. You know this thing?Copy !req
296. I like the hand blower, I have to say.Copy !req
297. Takes a little bit longer,
but I feel when you're in a room...Copy !req
298. with a revolting stench, you want
to spend as much time as you can.Copy !req
299. The only stench is coming from you.Copy !req
300. Oh, well, wait a second.Copy !req
301. I believe we have a heckler,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
302. Dick, I don't know
what your problem is.Copy !req
303. It's not my fault
you're back on the wagon.Copy !req
304. It's "off the wagon."Copy !req
305. In the old days, how do you think they
got the alcohol from town to town?Copy !req
306. - I don't know.
- On a wagon.Copy !req
307. Don't you think they broke into a
couple of those bottles along the way?Copy !req
308. You can't drink on a wagon.
It's too bumpy.Copy !req
309. They had smooth trails.
What about the Cumberland Gap?Copy !req
310. What the hell do you know
about wagons?Copy !req
311. I know enough not to get on them.Copy !req
312. I'm gonna get right to the point.Copy !req
313. It's come to my attention
that you and the cleaning woman...Copy !req
314. have engaged in sexual intercourse
on the desk in your office.Copy !req
315. Is that correct?Copy !req
316. - Who said that?
- She did.Copy !req
317. Was that wrong?Copy !req
318. Should I not have done that?Copy !req
319. I gotta plead ignorance
on this thing...Copy !req
320. because if anyone
had said anything to me...Copy !req
321. when I started here that that
sort of thing was frowned upon...Copy !req
322. You know, because I've worked
in a lot of offices...Copy !req
323. and I tell you,
people do that all the time.Copy !req
324. You're fired.Copy !req
325. Well, you didn't have
to say it like that.Copy !req
326. I want you out of here
by the end of the day.Copy !req
327. What about the whole Christmas-spirit
thing? Any flexibility there?Copy !req
328. No.Copy !req
329. Oh, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
330. She wanted me to give you this.Copy !req
331. You had sex on your desk
with the cleaning woman.Copy !req
332. You never had sex
in the office before?Copy !req
333. No. I once made out with someone,
but that's it.Copy !req
334. Okay. All right. So you made out.Copy !req
335. - Well, that's not sex.
- Kissing is sex.Copy !req
336. Kissing is not sex.Copy !req
337. - George.
- Jerry.Copy !req
338. Hey, did Jerry leave that drink
next to Dick's on purpose?Copy !req
339. - No.
- George?Copy !req
340. Over here.Copy !req
341. What are you doing here?Copy !req
342. I'm taking the kid out to dinner
to cheer him up.Copy !req
343. Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex
has taken place?Copy !req
344. I would say...Copy !req
345. when the nipple
makes its first appearance.Copy !req
346. So George told me that you left
the drink next to Dick's on purpose.Copy !req
347. Nice try.Copy !req
348. So guess who heckled me
at the club last night.Copy !req
349. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
350. - Oh, my God, that's Dick.
- Dick?Copy !req
351. Dick!Copy !req
352. It's Cape Fear.Copy !req
353. Hide. Hide under the desk.Copy !req
354. - Move over.
- Get off of me.Copy !req
355. - I have no room.
- My foot's sticking out.Copy !req
356. Shut up. He's coming.Copy !req
357. Is that cashmere?Copy !req
358. Of course it's cashmere.Copy !req
359. What's this?Copy !req
360. But, in a way, I think I inadvertently
turned this guy into an alcoholic.Copy !req
361. I hate being around alcoholics.Copy !req
362. They're either saying how much they
love you or how much they hate you.Copy !req
363. Those are the two statements
that scare me most.Copy !req
364. But I think he's okay now because
I don't know how he feels about me.Copy !req
365. - He's finally off the wagon.
- You mean on the wagon.Copy !req
366. Don't get smart.Copy !req