1. It seems the way they
design the car alarms...Copy !req
2. is so that the car will behave as if it
was a nervous, hysterical person.Copy !req
3. Anyone goes near it,
anyone disturbs it, it's:Copy !req
4. Lights flashing on and off,
acting all crazy.Copy !req
5. Not everyone wants to draw
that much attention to themselves.Copy !req
6. Wouldn't it be nice to have
a car alarm that was more subtle?Copy !req
7. Maybe just, you know, somebody
tries to break in, and it goes:Copy !req
8. "Excuse me?"Copy !req
9. I would like a car alarm like that.Copy !req
10. Do you believe this?Copy !req
11. Car was parked right out front.Copy !req
12. - Was the alarm on?
- I don't know. I guess it was on.Copy !req
13. I don't know my alarm sound.
I'm not tuned into it like it's my son.Copy !req
14. I don't understand. How do
these thieves start the car?Copy !req
15. - They cross the wires or something.
- Cross the wires?Copy !req
16. I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.Copy !req
17. - Hey.
- They stole my car.Copy !req
18. - Who did?
- They did.Copy !req
19. Was it more than just one?Copy !req
20. What should I do?
Call the police?Copy !req
21. What are they gonna do?Copy !req
22. You know, I'd better call the car-phone
company, cancel my service.Copy !req
23. Maybe you should
call your car phone.Copy !req
24. Yeah.Copy !req
25. He's probably driving it right now.Copy !req
26. Wait a minute. Call the car phone.
See what happens.Copy !req
27. - Are you serious?
- Yeah, go ahead. Call.Copy !req
28. I don't even know if I
remember the number.Copy !req
29. What do I say if he picks up?Copy !req
30. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
31. - Is this 555-8383?
- I have no idea.Copy !req
32. - Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.Copy !req
33. - Did you steal my car?
- Yes, I did.Copy !req
34. - You did?
- I did.Copy !req
35. - But that's my car.
- I didn't know it was yours.Copy !req
36. - What are you gonna do with it?
- I don't know. Drive around.Copy !req
37. - Then can I have it back?
- No, I'm gonna keep it.Copy !req
38. Let me talk to him.
Give it, give it, give it.Copy !req
39. - Hello.
- Yeah, who's this?Copy !req
40. - Kramer.
- Hello, Kramer.Copy !req
41. Listen, there's a pair of gloves
in the glove compartment.Copy !req
42. Wait, hold it.Copy !req
43. - Brown ones?
- Yeah.Copy !req
44. Could you mail those to me?
Or bring them by my building.Copy !req
45. - It's 129 West 81st Street.
- 129... Okay.Copy !req
46. All right, thanks a lot.
Here's Jerry.Copy !req
47. Gloves.Copy !req
48. - Hello.
- Jerry.Copy !req
49. Yeah. Let me ask you a question.
How do you cross those wires?Copy !req
50. I didn't cross any wires.
The keys were in it.Copy !req
51. Sid left the keys in the car.
All right, I gotta go. Drive carefully.Copy !req
52. Hey, Jerry, when's the last time you
had a tune-up? Because I can't find—Copy !req
53. - Sid left the keys in the car.
- Who's Sid?Copy !req
54. Guy in the neighbourhood.
He parks cars on the block.Copy !req
55. - What do you mean?
- He moves them from side to side...Copy !req
56. - ... so you don't get a ticket.
- You pay him for that?Copy !req
57. - Yeah. Like 50 bucks a month.
- How many people does he do it for?Copy !req
58. - The whole block, 40, 50 cars.
- He only works three hours a day.Copy !req
59. He makes a fortune. He's been
doing that for years, right, Jerry?Copy !req
60. Could anybody do that?Copy !req
61. - Hey, Sid. What happened?
- I'm sorry, Jerry.Copy !req
62. Maybe I'm too old for this stuff.Copy !req
63. You left the keys in the car?Copy !req
64. Well, they're making that
Woody Allen movie on the block...Copy !req
65. and all those people
and trucks everywhere...Copy !req
66. and when I saw him,
I must've been distracted.Copy !req
67. - You know I'm in that movie.
- You're what?Copy !req
68. - Yeah, I'm an extra.
- How'd you get that?Copy !req
69. Well, I was just watching them film
yesterday, and some guy asked me.Copy !req
70. - Right out of the clear blue sky?
- Clear blue sky.Copy !req
71. - Why didn't they ask me?
- I got a quality.Copy !req
72. - Hey, Jerry, you got insurance, right?
- Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.Copy !req
73. I'm going to visit my sister
in Virginia next Wednesday...Copy !req
74. for a week, so I can't park it.Copy !req
75. - This Wednesday?
- No, next Wednesday.Copy !req
76. Week after this Wednesday.Copy !req
77. But the Wednesday two days
from now is the next Wednesday.Copy !req
78. If I meant this Wednesday,
I would've said this Wednesday.Copy !req
79. It's the week after this Wednesday.Copy !req
80. Sid, who's gonna move the cars
while you're away?Copy !req
81. Whoever wants to move them.
What do I care who moves them?Copy !req
82. They can move themselves
if they want.Copy !req
83. Maybe I could move them
until you get back.Copy !req
84. What's a young man like you want
to move cars for? You don't work?Copy !req
85. I'm in a transition phase right now.Copy !req
86. Well, if you want to move the cars,
move the cars.Copy !req
87. - Just don't forget to take the keys out.
- All right.Copy !req
88. Hello. Yeah, the defroster's
the one on the bottom.Copy !req
89. Just slide it all the way over.Copy !req
90. You're welcome.Copy !req
91. I'm in awe of his intellect.
When he talks, it sounds like...Copy !req
92. - ... he's reading from one of his novels.
- Owen March. I never heard of him.Copy !req
93. - Well, he's not a baseball player.
- Yeah, that's true.Copy !req
94. - It sounds like it's going pretty good.
- Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.Copy !req
95. - What's that?
- He's 66 years old.Copy !req
96. Next, please.Copy !req
97. Go. Go. She—Copy !req
98. Go. Come on.Copy !req
99. Can I help you? Name, please.Copy !req
100. Seinfeld. I made a reservation
for a midsize, and she's a small.Copy !req
101. - I'm kidding around, of course.
- Yes.Copy !req
102. Okay, let's see here.Copy !req
103. - Sixty-six years old?
- Yeah, well, he's in perfect health.Copy !req
104. He works out. He's vibrant.
You'd really like him.Copy !req
105. Why do people always say that? I hate
everybody. Why would I like him?Copy !req
106. Could you go out
with a 66-year-old woman?Copy !req
107. Well, I'll tell you, she would
have to be really vibrant.Copy !req
108. So vibrant she'd be spinning.Copy !req
109. I'm sorry. We have no midsize
available at the moment.Copy !req
110. I made a reservation.
Do you have my reservation?Copy !req
111. Yes, we do.
Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.Copy !req
112. But the reservation
keeps the car here.Copy !req
113. That's why you have
the reservation.Copy !req
114. - I know why we have reservations.
- I don't think you do.Copy !req
115. If you did, I'd have a car.Copy !req
116. See, you know how to take
the reservation.Copy !req
117. You just don't know how to hold
the reservation.Copy !req
118. And that's really the most important
part of the reservation, the holding.Copy !req
119. Anybody can just take them.Copy !req
120. Let me speak with my supervisor.Copy !req
121. Well, here we go.Copy !req
122. The supervisor.Copy !req
123. - Know what she's saying over there?
- What?Copy !req
124. "Hey, Marge, see those two people?
They think I'm talking to you.Copy !req
125. So you pretend like you're talking
to me. Okay, now you start talking."Copy !req
126. "You mean like this? So it looks like I'm
saying something, but I'm not."Copy !req
127. "Say something else,
and they won't yell at me...Copy !req
128. because they thought
I was checking with you."Copy !req
129. "Okay, I think that's enough.
See you later."Copy !req
130. I'm sorry. My supervisor says
there's nothing we can do.Copy !req
131. Yeah, it looked like you were in
a real conversation over there.Copy !req
132. Well, we do have a compact
if you would like that.Copy !req
133. - Fine.
- All right.Copy !req
134. Well, we have a blue Ford Escort
for you, Mr. Seinfeld.Copy !req
135. - Would you like insurance?
- Yeah, give me the insurance...Copy !req
136. because I am gonna beat
the hell out of this thing.Copy !req
137. Please fill this out.Copy !req
138. Do you think
I'm making a big mistake?Copy !req
139. If you enjoy being with him,
that's what's important.Copy !req
140. I love being with him.
I mean, I like being with him.Copy !req
141. It's okay being with him.Copy !req
142. - I just don't enjoy being with him.
- Well, that's what important.Copy !req
143. I'm meeting him for lunch
at Chadway's.Copy !req
144. Do I have to break up face to face,
or can I just do it over the phone?Copy !req
145. - How many times have you been out?
- Seven.Copy !req
146. Face to face.Copy !req
147. Seven dates is
a face-to-face breakup?Copy !req
148. If it was six, I could've let you go.Copy !req
149. But seven, I'm afraid,
is over the limit.Copy !req
150. Unless, of course, there was no sex.Copy !req
151. How's the pasta over there?Copy !req
152. What is going on out there?Copy !req
153. I need a bucket of water.
I got a car overheating.Copy !req
154. I got an alarm that won't go off.Copy !req
155. I'm pressing one.
I'm pressing two. Nothing.Copy !req
156. What do I do? Help me. Help me.Copy !req
157. They were supposed to do
my scene today.Copy !req
158. - Today?
- Yeah.Copy !req
159. They said they wanted me to walk down
the block carrying this bag of groceries.Copy !req
160. So I start to walk, and I trip.
And the grocery bag goes flying...Copy !req
161. - ... and Woody starts laughing.
- He was laughing?Copy !req
162. Oh, yeah. He was drinking something.
It started to come out of his nose.Copy !req
163. - So then what?
- Well, I got a line in the movie!Copy !req
164. - Get out!
- That's great.Copy !req
165. You got a line
in a Woody Allen movie?Copy !req
166. - Pretty good, huh?
- You're in the movie?Copy !req
167. - Is he in the scene?
- Yeah, it's me and him.Copy !req
168. I might have a new career
on my hands, huh?Copy !req
169. You mean "a career."Copy !req
170. - So was Mia Farrow there?
- I didn't see him.Copy !req
171. - What's your line?
- Well, okay, I'm there with Woody...Copy !req
172. you know. I'm at this bar,
and, you know, it's Woody Allen.Copy !req
173. - Did I mention that?
- We got it. We got it.Copy !req
174. And I'm sitting there with Woody,
and I turn to him and I go:Copy !req
175. Boy, these pretzels
are making me thirsty.Copy !req
176. - Is that how you're gonna say it?
- No, no. I'm working on it.Copy !req
177. Do it like this.Copy !req
178. - These pretzels are making me thirsty.
- No.Copy !req
179. - These pretzels are making me thirsty.
- No, no. See, that's no good.Copy !req
180. You don't know how to act.Copy !req
181. These pretzels...Copy !req
182. are making me thirsty!Copy !req
183. - That was no good?
- I didn't say anything.Copy !req
184. All right, I'm gonna go
break up with Owen.Copy !req
185. What was wrong with that?
I had a different interpretation.Copy !req
186. Do you know anything
about this pretzel guy?Copy !req
187. Maybe he's been in the bar
a long time...Copy !req
188. and he's really depressed because
he has no job, and no woman...Copy !req
189. and he's parking cars for a living!Copy !req
190. All right! All right!
Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
191. I hear you! I'm coming down!
These pretzels are making me thirsty!Copy !req
192. Yeah!Copy !req
193. Oh, my God.Copy !req
194. Call an ambulance.Copy !req
195. Boy, he took it hard.Copy !req
196. We were walking down the block...Copy !req
197. I was about to break up with him,
then he started to twitch.Copy !req
198. Yes, I need an ambulance at 129
West 81st Street, Apartment 5A.Copy !req
199. - Tell them to hurry. Hurry!
- It's an ambulance.Copy !req
200. I don't know, but he's unconscious.Copy !req
201. These pretzels
are making me thirsty.Copy !req
202. These pretzels
are making me thirsty.Copy !req
203. - Kramer.
- What happened here?Copy !req
204. I don't know. What should we do?
We called an ambulance.Copy !req
205. - Anyone know first aid?
- Do something with the extremities.Copy !req
206. - What extremities?
- What's an extremity?Copy !req
207. You raise the feet,
get blood to the head.Copy !req
208. You raise the head,
get blood to the feet.Copy !req
209. Okay, what about a cold compress?
They always do that.Copy !req
210. - I don't have a washcloth.
- Use a paper towel.Copy !req
211. - You can't put that on his head.
- What about a big sponge?Copy !req
212. - How you gonna hold it on there?
- Use a belt.Copy !req
213. No, no, no. That'll—
It'll drip all over him.Copy !req
214. - Should we walk him around?
- I've seen them do that.Copy !req
215. - That's for a drug overdose.
- Maybe that's what he's got.Copy !req
216. No, I just had lunch with him.
He didn't leave the table.Copy !req
217. Well, he could've dropped acid
when you weren't looking.Copy !req
218. He is not a drug addict.Copy !req
219. Maybe he's diabetic. He might
just need a cookie or something.Copy !req
220. - A cookie!
- Can you give him a cookie?Copy !req
221. - How's he gonna chew it?
- Move his teeth. Worked for my uncle.Copy !req
222. The sugar revived him.Copy !req
223. Careful, you're getting crumbs
all over him.Copy !req
224. I've got him chewing, but I don't
think he's gonna swallow.Copy !req
225. Let's put a few cookies in a
blender and he could drink it.Copy !req
226. - Cookies don't liquefy.
- They do. You can liquefy a cookie.Copy !req
227. - I'll get the blender.
- I don't have a blender.Copy !req
228. - You've got a blender.
- I'd know if I had a blender.Copy !req
229. Where is the ambulance?Copy !req
230. Hello, yes. I called for an ambulance
like 35 minutes ago.Copy !req
231. I can't believe
what's going on out here.Copy !req
232. This is an emergency.
What's taking so long?Copy !req
233. Wait a second.
Maybe that's them.Copy !req
234. - Hello.
- Paramedics.Copy !req
235. Come on up. Okay, they're here.Copy !req
236. He seems to be breathing.Copy !req
237. You know, I've got to tell you,
he's a pretty good-looking guy.Copy !req
238. I know.Copy !req
239. Those eyebrows could use a trimming.
You ever mention that?Copy !req
240. Almost.Copy !req
241. I mean, because, come on,
they're running wild there.Copy !req
242. - It's not an easy thing to bring up.
- Yeah, that's true.Copy !req
243. You should see his bathrobe, man.
It's all silk.Copy !req
244. Yeah. Does he wear slippers.
I bet he wears slippers.Copy !req
245. - He does. How'd you know that?
- I could tell.Copy !req
246. What happened?
What took you so long?Copy !req
247. We got here 20 minutes ago,
but we couldn't move.Copy !req
248. The intersection is gridlocked.
I've never seen anything like it.Copy !req
249. Finally we make the turn, and this guy
who was triple-parking cars...Copy !req
250. - ... slammed into us with a blue Escort.
- Blue Escort?Copy !req
251. - That's my rent-a-car!
- Oh, man.Copy !req
252. What happened to the car?Copy !req
253. I'm sorry. You don't know
what's going on out there!Copy !req
254. Who's he?Copy !req
255. - This guy I'm seeing.
- What happened?Copy !req
256. - We don't know.
- Who put cookies in his mouth?Copy !req
257. - Cookies?
- You're not supposed to do that.Copy !req
258. - So how'd you hit the car?
- I was moving it across the street.Copy !req
259. I looked up and I saw Woody Allen.
I got all distracted.Copy !req
260. - It's not even my car. It's a rental.
- What are you doing out there?Copy !req
261. You're holding up the production
of the movie.Copy !req
262. We can't shoot, and Woody,
he's really mad at you.Copy !req
263. Woody mentioned me?
What did he say?Copy !req
264. He said, "Who's the moron who's got
the street all screwed up?"Copy !req
265. Should I apologize to Woody?Copy !req
266. All right, I'll tell you what.Copy !req
267. Next time I talk to him,
maybe I'll bring it up.Copy !req
268. I'll feel him out.Copy !req
269. What do you think first aid was like
hundreds of years ago?Copy !req
270. I mean, they had no medicine,
no drugs...Copy !req
271. no technology, no equipment.
Basically, they were there first.Copy !req
272. That was it. That was the whole
first aid. They sit with you.Copy !req
273. That's all they could do.
"Can you help me?"Copy !req
274. "No, we can't help you,
but we were the first ones here.Copy !req
275. Did you see our truck?
'First aid.' That's our motto.Copy !req
276. We show up before anybody."Copy !req
277. You didn't say you didn't
know how to drive.Copy !req
278. - Should've mentioned that.
- Well, I know how to drive.Copy !req
279. Then how did all those cars
get damaged?Copy !req
280. Why are people calling me up,
screaming on the phone?Copy !req
281. - Most of them cancelled out on me.
- Can I get anybody anything?Copy !req
282. Moving cars from one side
to the other...Copy !req
283. don't take no more sense
than putting on a pair of pants.Copy !req
284. My question to you is:
Who's putting your pants on?Copy !req
285. - I put my pants on, Sid.
- I don't believe you.Copy !req
286. You can put your pants on,
you can move cars.Copy !req
287. I don't want to get into a big
dispute about the pants.Copy !req
288. Who's gonna send money to my
sister in Virginia?Copy !req
289. Her little boy
needs surgery on his foot.Copy !req
290. He'll be walking around with a limp,
because you can't park a few cars.Copy !req
291. Maybe I could call my father.Copy !req
292. - Hey, you seen the paper yet?
- Interestingly enough, no...Copy !req
293. inasmuch as it is my paper.Copy !req
294. There's an article on that writer.Copy !req
295. "Owen March, prominent author and
essayist, suffered a stroke yesterday...Copy !req
296. in the Upper West Side
apartment of a friend."Copy !req
297. That's the guy that was here.
You're the friend.Copy !req
298. Thanks. "The extent of the damage
would've been far less severe...Copy !req
299. had paramedics been able
to reach him sooner."Copy !req
300. - Oh, Lord.
- "The commotion also delayed...Copy !req
301. production of a Woody Allen movie
that was shooting up the block.Copy !req
302. A spokeswoman
for the legendary filmmaker...Copy !req
303. said that Mr. Allen
was extremely agitated...Copy !req
304. and wondered if his days of shooting
movies in New York were over."Copy !req
305. Five seconds.Copy !req
306. Jerry, I was five seconds away
from breaking up with him.Copy !req
307. Five seconds! The next words out
of my mouth were, "Owen, it's over."Copy !req
308. - Can he communicate?
- Yeah. Well, he nods.Copy !req
309. And I think he understands me.Copy !req
310. He seems to enjoy it
when I read to him.Copy !req
311. All right, she's free.Copy !req
312. Hi, I called before.
My car got smashed.Copy !req
313. So listen. What should I do?
If I break up with him now...Copy !req
314. it'll look like I'm abandoning him.
I'll be ostracized from the community.Copy !req
315. What community?
There's a community?Copy !req
316. Of course there's a community.Copy !req
317. All these years, I'm living in
a community, I had no idea.Copy !req
318. Sir, the estimate on the damage
to your car is $2866.Copy !req
319. - I got the insurance and everything—
- Yes, now, in your report...Copy !req
320. you said you weren't the driver
at the time of the accident.Copy !req
321. Somebody else was driving it.Copy !req
322. All right, well, sir, you're only covered
for when you're driving the car.Copy !req
323. What's that?Copy !req
324. - You're not covered for other drivers.
- Other drivers?Copy !req
325. Your whole business is based
on other drivers. It's a rented car.Copy !req
326. That's who's driving it.
Other drivers.Copy !req
327. Doesn't my credit card cover me?Copy !req
328. - Not that particular one.
- I got a hundred cards.Copy !req
329. Here, here. Pick a card.
Take any card you want.Copy !req
330. Go ahead. Whichever one.
I don't care.Copy !req
331. - If you had read the rental agreement—
- Did you see the size of that document?Copy !req
332. It's like the Declaration of
Independence. Who's gonna read that?Copy !req
333. Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now,
you are not covered for that damage...Copy !req
334. and there is absolutely nothing
that can be done about that.Copy !req
335. These pretzels
are making me thirsty.Copy !req
336. It's good, isn't it?Copy !req
337. Yankee bean.Copy !req
338. Why Yankee bean, huh?Copy !req
339. Don't they have beans
in the South?Copy !req
340. I mean, if you order Yankee bean
in the South, are they offended?Copy !req
341. Yankee bean. Yankee bean.Copy !req
342. I like my Yankee bean.Copy !req
343. Owen...Copy !req
344. I think we have to talk.Copy !req
345. I mean, I have to talk.Copy !req
346. It would be nice if we could,
but, you know, whatever.Copy !req
347. Don't get me wrong.
I like coming here and feeding you...Copy !req
348. and cleaning a little,
and paying your bills.Copy !req
349. I mean, that's good stuff.
Good stuff.Copy !req
350. I have a wonderful time when
I'm with you. Wonderful!Copy !req
351. But at this point in my life,
I'm not really sure...Copy !req
352. that I'm ready to make
a commitment to one person.Copy !req
353. I'm just not really sure that we
have enough in common.Copy !req
354. I mean, for example:Copy !req
355. I like running in the park...Copy !req
356. bicycling...Copy !req
357. roller-skating,
tennis and skiing...Copy !req
358. And, well...Copy !req
359. I'm gonna be brutally honest
with you now.Copy !req
360. It's a bitch to get here.
It's two subways.Copy !req
361. I have to transfer at 42nd Street
to take the double-R.Copy !req
362. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't
mean we can't be friends.Copy !req
363. These pretzels
are making me thirsty.Copy !req
364. Can you die from an odour?Copy !req
365. I mean, if you were locked in
a vomitorium for two weeks...Copy !req
366. - ... could you die from the odour?
- An overdose of odour. Good question.Copy !req
367. Do I smell?Copy !req
368. No, no, no. I was just down
at the 42nd Street subway today.Copy !req
369. It is disgusting.Copy !req
370. Guess who I bumped into? Owen.Copy !req
371. - He's all right?
- Yeah, he's almost fully recovered.Copy !req
372. Told me he
was just using me for sex.Copy !req
373. - Let me get that.
- I got it.Copy !req
374. - Please.
- Let me. I smashed your car.Copy !req
375. It cost you over $2000.Copy !req
376. Yeah, a cup of coffee
should cover it.Copy !req
377. - Oh, man.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
378. I got fired from the movie.Copy !req
379. - Get out of here. What?
- What?Copy !req
380. Well, you know, they were
going to shoot it today.Copy !req
381. We rehearsed it twice,
and then Woody yells, "Action."Copy !req
382. I turn to him and I say:Copy !req
383. "These pretzels are making
me thirsty."Copy !req
384. - Right.
- Then I took a swig of beer...Copy !req
385. and I slammed the glass down
on the bar, and it shattered.Copy !req
386. Well, one of the pieces
must've hit Woody...Copy !req
387. and he started crying.Copy !req
388. And he yells out, "I'm bleeding,"
and he runs off.Copy !req
389. Anyway, this woman, she came up
to me, and she says, "You're fired."Copy !req
390. Boy, I really nailed that scene.Copy !req
391. Oh, wait a—Copy !req
392. Oh, for crying out loud.Copy !req
393. The best part of a relationship
is when you're sick.Copy !req
394. The best part of being sick
is when you're in a relationship.Copy !req
395. But if I got married,
you know those vows...Copy !req
396. for richer or for poorer,
for better or for worse.Copy !req
397. All I need is the sickness.
That is the most important one.Copy !req
398. "Do you take this man in sickness?"Copy !req
399. That's the time
I need somebody there.Copy !req
400. The rest of the time,
go out, have a ball.Copy !req
401. But if I get the sniffles,
you better be there.Copy !req