1. The bad thing about television
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2. is that everybody
you see on television
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3. is doing something
better than what you're doing.
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4. You never see anybody on TV,
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5. like, just sliding off
the front of the sofa
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6. with potato chip crumbs
on their face.
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7. Some people have a little
too much fun on television.
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8. The soda commercial people.
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9. Where do they summon
this enthusiasm?
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10. Have you seen them?
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11. "We have soda! We have soda!
We have soda!"
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12. Jumping, laughing,
flying through the air.
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13. Jumping, laughing,
flying through the air.
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14. It's a can of soda.
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15. Have you ever
been standing there
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16. and you're watching TV
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17. and you're drinking
the exact product
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18. that they're advertising
right there on TV?
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19. And it's like, you know,
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20. they're spiking volleyballs,
jet skiing, girls in bikinis...
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21. and I'm standing there,
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22. "Maybe I'm putting
too much ice in mine."
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23. So then, as we were leaving,
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24. we were just kind of
standing there,
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25. and she was sort
of smiling at me.
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26. I wasn't sure if she wanted me
to ask her out.
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27. When women smile at me,
I don't know what it means.
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28. Sometimes I interpret it
like they're psychotic,
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29. and I don't know
if I'm supposed to smile back,
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30. I don't know what to do,
so I stood there like—
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31. Remember how Quayle looked
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32. when Bentsen gave him
that Kennedy line?
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33. That's what I looked like.
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34. You didn't ask?
No, I froze.
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35. Counter.
Oh. Yeah.
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36. So wait, wait.
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37. Half-hour later,
I'm back at the office,
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38. I tell Lloyd
the whole story.
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39. He says, "So why don't
you call her?"
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40. He says, "So why don't
you call her?"
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41. I says, "I can't."
I couldn't do it right then.
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42. For me to ask a woman out,
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43. I've got to get
into a mental state,
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44. like the karate guys
before they break the bricks.
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45. So then, Lloyd
calls me a wuss.
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46. He said "wuss"?
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47. Yeah. Anyway, he
shamed me into it.
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48. So you called?
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49. Right.
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50. And to cover my nervousness,
I started eating an apple,
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51. because I think
if they hear you chewing
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52. on the other end of the phone,
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53. it makes you sound casual.
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54. Yeah, like a farm boy.
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55. Right. So, I call her up,
I tell her it's me.
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56. She gives me
an enthusiastic "Hi."
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57. She gives me
an enthusiastic "Hi."
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58. Oh. Enthusiastic hi,
that's beautiful.
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59. I don't get the enthusiastic
hi, I'm out of there.
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60. All right,
so you're chewing your apple,
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61. you got your enthusiastic hi,
go ahead.
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62. So, we're talking,
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63. and I don't like to go too long
before I ask them out.
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64. I want to get it over with
right away,
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65. so I just blurt out,
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66. "What are you doing
Saturday night?"
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67. And?
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68. She bought.
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69. Great day in the morning.
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70. Then I got off the phone
right away.
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71. Sure, it's like
robbing a bank.
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72. You don't loiter around
in front of the teller
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73. holding that big bag of money.
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74. You make your hit
and get out.
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75. You make your hit
and get out.
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76. It's amazing.
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77. We both have dates
the same night.
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78. I can't remember
the last time that happened.
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79. I can't stand
doing laundry.
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80. That's why I have
40 pairs of underwear.
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81. You do not.
Absolutely,
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82. because instead of doing a wash,
I just keep buying underwear.
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83. My goal is to have
over 360 pair.
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84. That way, I only have
to do wash once a year.
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85. Come on, try it.
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86. Let me hear you try
a Scottish accent.
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87. That's Irish.
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88. That's Irish.
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89. Irish, Scottish,
what's the difference, lassie?
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90. So, uh, thanks for dinner.
It was great.
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91. Yeah.
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92. We should do this again.
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93. Would you like to come upstairs
for some coffee?
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94. Oh, no, thanks.
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95. I can't drink coffee
late at night.
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96. I keeps me up.
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97. Oh. So, um...
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98. Okay.
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99. Okay.
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100. Good night.
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101. Yeah, take it easy.
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102. Thanks again
for the movie.
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103. You're welcome.
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104. I'd invite you up,
but the place is being painted.
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105. Oh, that's okay.
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106. Unless you want to go
to your place.
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107. Okay, but there's
no cake or anything,
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108. Okay, but there's
no cake or anything,
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109. if that's what
you're looking for.
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110. Take it easy...
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111. Take it easy!
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112. I think if one's
going to kill oneself,
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113. the least you could do
is leave a note.
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114. It's common courtesy.
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115. I don't know...
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116. that's just the way
I was brought up.
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117. Values are important.
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118. Oh, so important.
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119. So, what are you doing
Thursday night?
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120. You want to have dinner?
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121. Thursday's great.
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122. Thursday's great.
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123. Tan pants.
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124. Why do I buy
tan pants, Donna?
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125. I don't feel
comfortable in them.
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126. Are those cotton Dockers?
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127. Oh, I can't begin
to tell you
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128. how much I hate
that commercial.
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129. Really?
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130. I like that commercial.
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131. You like that commercial?
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132. Yeah, it's clever.
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133. Yeah, it's clever.
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134. Now, wait a second.
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135. You mean the one where the guys
are all standing around,
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136. supposedly being
very casual and witty?
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137. Yeah, that's the one.
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138. What could you possibly like
about that?
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139. I don't know.
I like the guys.
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140. Yeah, they're so funny
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141. and so comfortable
with each other,
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142. and I could be
comfortable too,
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143. if I had pants like that.
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144. I could sit on a porch
and wrestle around
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145. and maybe even be part
of a real bull session.
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146. Hey, I know guys
like that.
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147. Hey, I know guys
like that.
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148. To me, the dialogue
rings true.
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149. Even if the dialogue
did ring true...
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150. Even if somehow, somewhere,
men actually talked like that,
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151. what does that have
anything to do with the pants?
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152. Doesn't that bother you?
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153. That's the idea.
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154. That is what is clever about it,
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155. that they're not talking
about the pants.
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156. But they're talking
about nothing!
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157. That's the point!
I know the point!
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158. No one is telling you
to like it.
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159. I mean, all those quick shots
of the pants.
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160. I mean, all those quick shots
of the pants.
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161. Just pants, pants, pants,
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162. pants, pants, pants.
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163. What is that
supposed to be?
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164. What's brutal about the date
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165. is the scrutiny
that you put each other through,
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166. because whenever you think
about this person
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167. in terms of the future,
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168. you have to magnify
everything about them.
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169. You know, like,
the guy will be, like,
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170. "I don't think
her eyebrows are even.
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171. "I don't think
her eyebrows are even.
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172. Could I look at uneven eyebrows
for the rest of my life?"
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173. And, of course,
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174. the woman's looking at the guy
thinking,
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175. "What is he looking at?
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176. "Do I want someone
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177. looking at me like this
for the rest of my life?"
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178. I'm supposed to see her
again on Thursday,
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179. but can I go out with someone
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180. that actually likes
this commercial?
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181. I once broke up with a guy
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182. because he didn't
keep his bathroom clean enough.
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183. No kidding?
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184. Did you tell him
that was the reason?
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185. Oh yeah,
I told him all the time.
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186. You would not
have believed his tub.
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187. You would not
have believed his tub.
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188. Germs were building
a town in there.
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189. They were constructing offices.
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190. Houses near the drain
were going for $150,000.
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191. Hi.
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192. You're still
thinking about this?
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193. She invites me up
at 12:00 at night
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194. for coffee.
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195. And I don't go up.
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196. And I don't go up.
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197. "No thank you,
I don't want coffee.
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198. "It keeps me up.
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199. Too late
for me to drink coffee."
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200. I said this to her.
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201. People this stupid
shouldn't be allowed to live.
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202. I can't imagine
what she must think of me.
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203. She thinks you're a guy
that doesn't like coffee.
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204. She invited me up!
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205. Coffee's not coffee!
Coffee is sex.
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206. Maybe coffee was coffee.
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207. Coffee's coffee in the morning.
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208. It's not coffee
at 12:00 at night.
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209. Well, some people
drink coffee that late.
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210. Well, some people
drink coffee that late.
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211. Yeah, people who work at NORAD
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212. who are on
24-hour missile watch!
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213. Everything was
going along so great.
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214. She was laughing,
I was funny.
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215. I kept saying to myself,
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216. "Keep it up. Don't blow it.
You're doing great."
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217. It's all in your head.
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218. All she knows is
she had a good time.
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219. I think you
should call her.
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220. I can't call her now.
It's too soon.
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221. I'm planning
a Wednesday call.
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222. Why?
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223. I love it when guys
call me the next day.
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224. Of course you do,
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225. but you're imagining
a guy you like,
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226. not a guy who goes,
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227. not a guy who goes,
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228. "Uh, no, I don't drink coffee
late at night. Ha, ha, ha."
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229. If I call her now,
she's gonna thing I'm too needy.
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230. Women don't want to see need.
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231. They want a take-charge guy.
A colonel. A Kaiser. A czar.
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232. All she'll think
is that you like her.
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233. That's exactly
what I'm trying to avoid!
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234. She wants you to like her!
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235. Yes, she wants me
to like her,
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236. if she likes me.
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237. But she doesn't like me.
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238. I don't know what your
parents did to you.
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239. Hey.
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240. Hey! I just thought of
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241. a really funny thing
for your act!
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242. All right, you're up there,
you're on your stage,
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243. and you go,
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244. "Hey, did you ever notice
how cars here in New York,
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245. "they never get out of the way
of ambulances anymore?
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246. "Someone's in a life
and death situation,
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247. "and we're thinking,
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248. "'Well, sorry, buddy,
you should've thought of that
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249. "'when you were eating
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250. "'cheese omelets and sausages
for breakfast
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251. every morning
for the last 30 years.'"
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252. So you gonna
use it?
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253. I don't think so.
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254. What? It's funny.
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255. What? It's funny.
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256. It's funny.
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257. I like to do my own material.
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258. That's as good
as anything you do.
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259. All right, I gotta make a call.
Everybody out, come on.
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260. Why do we have to leave?
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261. Because I can't
call a woman
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262. with other people
in the room.
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263. Come on, let's go.
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264. Oh, see.
This is the problem.
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265. You're kicking me
out of my house?
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266. Yes.
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267. Don't forget.
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268. Right.
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269. Oh, Jerry,
do you have any apples?
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270. Don't do the apples.
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271. It's enough already
with the apples.
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272. It's enough already
with the apples.
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273. Hi, it's Carol.
I'll get back to you.
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274. Umm... hi.
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275. It's, uh, George.
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276. George Costanza. Remember me?
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277. The guy that didn't
come up for coffee.
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278. You see, I didn't realize
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279. You see, I didn't realize
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280. that coffee
didn't really mean...
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281. Well, whatever.
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282. Anyway, it was fun.
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283. It was, um...
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284. It was fun.
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285. So, oh boy, um, so...
you call me back...
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286. You know,
i-i-if you want.
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287. That's up to you, you know.
Whatever you want to do.
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288. Either way.
The ball's in your court.
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289. Either way.
The ball's in your court.
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290. So, uh... take it easy.
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291. I'm just going
to get my jacket.
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292. I'll meet you downstairs.
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293. What's the matter?
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294. Did you call?
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295. Got her machine.
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296. I'm dead. I'm a dead man.
That's it, I'm dead.
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297. I'm a dead man. Dead man.
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298. What did you say?
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299. I don't know
what the hell I said.
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300. I gave her an ultimatum,
and there's nothing I can do.
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301. It's a machine!
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302. The little light
is blinking right now.
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303. "Come and listen to the idiot!
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304. "Come and listen to the idiot!
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305. Hey, everybody! The idiot's on!"
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306. After one date, you try
and improvise on a machine?
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307. Now I'm in
the worst position of all.
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308. You know, my brother-in-law
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309. once left a message
on this guy's machine,
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310. and he blurted out
some business information
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311. he wasn't supposed to,
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312. and it would've cost him
$15,000,
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313. so he waited
outside the guy's house,
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314. and when the guy came home,
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315. he went upstairs with him
and switched the tape.
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316. Hmm.
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317. He did that?
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318. Yeah.
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319. Somebody did that?
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320. She'll call you back.
You're overreacting.
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321. She'll call you back.
You're overreacting.
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322. Not once.
Never?
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323. I have never seen one episode
of I Love Lucy in my life.
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324. Ever.
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325. That's amazing.
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326. Thank you.
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327. Is there anything else about you
I should know?
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328. Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.
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329. Really?
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330. I have no patience
for lactose...
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331. and I won't stand for it.
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332. Um, I'll be right back.
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333. Wait till you hear this!
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334. Whoa, uh... I'm sorry.
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335. I didn't— I had no idea.
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336. Wait, wait.
He's in the bathroom.
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337. Oh.
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338. Well, I just wanted
to talk to him for a minute,
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339. but I'll come back.
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340. You don't have to leave.
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341. You sure?
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342. Yes.
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343. Okay.
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344. I'm Donna.
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345. Donna.
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346. Oh, you're the one
that likes that commercial.
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347. He told you that?
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348. No, he didn't actually
tell me that.
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349. No, he didn't actually
tell me that.
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350. We were talking
about that commercial.
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351. In fact,
I think I brought it up,
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352. because I like that commercial.
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353. No, he would never actually
tell me anything like that.
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354. He never discusses anything.
He's— He's like a clam.
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355. You're not gonna
mention this to him...
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356. So you go around telling
your friends I'm not hip
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357. because I like
that commercial.
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358. What? What did you say?
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359. Say? What? Nothing.
I didn't...
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360. You told him
how I like the commercial.
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361. Well, so what if I said that?
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362. Well, so you didn't have
to tell your friends.
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363. Well, so you didn't have
to tell your friends.
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364. No, I had to tell my friends.
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365. My friends
didn't have to tell you.
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366. Why'd you have
to get me in trouble?
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367. I don't like you
talking about me
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368. with your friends
behind my back.
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369. Boy, oh, boy.
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370. I said I couldn't believe
you liked that commercial.
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371. So what?
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372. I asked some friends of mine
this week,
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373. and all of them
liked the commercial.
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374. Boy, I'll bet you got a regular
Algonquin Round Table there.
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375. Hey.
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376. Oh, uh, Kramer,
this is Donna.
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377. Oh.
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378. Cotton Dockers!
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379. Hello.
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380. All right, we should be going.
Come on.
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381. All right, we should be going.
Come on.
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382. Where are we going?
Come on.
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383. Don't bother.
I'm leaving.
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384. Donna, really, you're making
too much of this.
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385. One-hundred percent
cotton Dockers.
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386. If they're not Dockers,
they're just pants.
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387. Kramer, please.
Donna...
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388. I don't want to hear it.
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389. I can't believe
I said that.
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390. You know me, I'm a vault.
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391. Don't worry about it.
It wasn't working anyway.
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392. What happened there?
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393. I'll tell you later.
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394. You are not gonna
believe
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395. what's going on
with this woman.
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396. Okay, so you remember
I made the initial call Sunday.
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397. Okay, so you remember
I made the initial call Sunday.
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398. She doesn't call back.
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399. I call again Monday.
I leave another message.
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400. I call Tuesday.
I get the machine again,
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401. "I know you're there,
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402. I don't know
what your story is."
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403. Yesterday, I'm a volcano.
I try one more call,
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404. the machine comes on,
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405. and I let fly
like Mussolini from the balcony.
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406. "Where the hell
do you get the nerve?
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407. "You invite me up for coffee
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408. "and then you don't call me back
for four days?
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409. "I don't like coffee!
I don't have to come up!
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410. "I don't like coffee!
I don't have to come up!
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411. "I'd like to get one more shot
at the coffee,
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412. just so I could
spit in your face!"
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413. You said that?
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414. I lost it.
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415. I can't blame you.
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416. I can't believe
she never called you back.
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417. She did.
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418. Today.
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419. What?
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420. She called my office.
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421. She said she's been
in the Hamptons since Sunday.
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422. She didn't know if I was
trying to get in touch with her.
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423. Her machine broke,
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424. and she's been using
her old machine,
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425. and she doesn't have
the beeper for it.
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426. and she doesn't have
the beeper for it.
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427. So she didn't get
the messages?
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428. Exactly.
But they're on there, waiting.
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429. She said she can't wait
to see me.
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430. We're having dinner tonight.
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431. She's supposed to call me
as soon as she gets home.
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432. But what about the messages?
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433. Elaine's thing?
How are you going to get in?
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434. I'll meet her
outside the building.
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435. But you know as soon
as she gets in the apartment,
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436. she's going right
for that machine.
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437. Unless she goes
for the bathroom.
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438. That's my only chance.
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439. Who am I kidding?
I can't do this.
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440. Who am I kidding?
I can't do this.
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441. I can't do this.
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442. I don't even know how
to work those stupid machines.
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443. There's nothing to it.
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444. You lift the lid,
it comes right out.
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445. You do it for me.
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446. What?
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447. Come on, it'll be
so much easier.
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448. How are you going
to get me up there?
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449. I'll tell her I bumped into you,
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450. I'm giving you
a ride uptown.
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451. And who makes the switch?
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452. You do.
I do?
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453. I can't do it.
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454. I'll keep her busy.
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455. I can't get involved in this.
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456. I think I may be in love
with this woman.
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457. I think I may be in love
with this woman.
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458. What if she sees me?
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459. Oh, you are such a wuss.
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460. A wuss?
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461. Yeah.
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462. Did you call me a wuss?
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463. Well, there is traffic.
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464. It might take her
till 8:15.
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465. I got one problem.
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466. You're keeping her busy
in the other room.
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467. Now, what if she somehow
gets away from you
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468. and is coming in?
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469. and is coming in?
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470. You have to signal me
that she's coming.
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471. A signal.
Right, um...
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472. Okay, okay.
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473. The signal is...
I'll call out "Tippy toe!"
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474. Tippy toe?
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475. I don't think so.
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476. You don't like tippy toe?
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477. No tippy toe.
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478. All right, uh...
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479. Okay, I got it...
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480. Um... I'll sing.
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481. What song?
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482. Um...
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483. "How Do You Solve
a Problem Like Maria?"
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484. What is that?
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485. Oh, it's a lovely song.
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486. Oh, it's a lovely song.
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487. Got anything else?
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488. You pick it.
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489. "Lemon Tree."
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490. Peter, Paul, and Mary?
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491. No, Trini Lopez.
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492. Okay.
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493. You got the tape?
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494. Standard. Micro.
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495. How do you feel, confident?
I feel good.
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496. You nervous?
Not at all.
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497. Get up, get up!
It's her!
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498. Oh, the hell with this!
I'm scared to death!
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499. Oh, the hell with this!
I'm scared to death!
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500. Just walk away! It's off.
Cancel everything! Go!
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501. Hi. What are you
doing here?
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502. I thought I was supposed
to call you
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503. when I got home.
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504. I couldn't wait.
I was too anxious to see you.
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505. Oh, that's so sweet.
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506. Oh, this is my friend,
Jerry Seinfeld.
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507. I just bumped into him
around the corner.
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508. Isn't that
a coincidence?
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509. The funny thing is,
I see him all the time.
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510. All the time.
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511. It's nice to meet you.
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512. Hi.
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513. So I'm starving.
Where are we gonna eat?
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514. You know, we could go uptown,
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515. You know, we could go uptown,
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516. and that way, we could
give Jerry a ride home.
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517. Okay, let's go.
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518. I'm ready.
Where'd you park?
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519. Don't you want
to go upstairs first?
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520. No, what for?
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521. I'll just give my bag
to the doorman.
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522. You know...
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523. I really need
to use the bathroom.
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524. Oh, well, there's a bathroom
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525. in the coffee shop
just next door.
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526. Yes, yes, but...
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527. I have to make a call, so...
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528. Well, they have
a phone.
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529. I know Jerry...
Crazy...
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530. He has this phobia
about public toilets.
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531. It's...
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532. I think we really
should go upstairs.
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533. You know,
I think I will go upstairs.
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534. I can check my machine.
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535. Right. Right.
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536. The bathroom's down
the hall to the right.
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537. Uh, you know,
why don't you go first?
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538. Uh, you know,
why don't you go first?
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539. You just had a long trip.
No, I'm fine.
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540. Um...
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541. You know,
it's the damnedest thing...
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542. It went away.
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543. Well, that's weird.
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544. Uh, no, no.
That can happen.
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545. I've read about that
in medical journals.
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546. It's a freak thing.
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547. Well, let me just check
my messages, and we'll go.
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548. Uh, Carol, could I talk to you
for a second?
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549. Right now.
Sure.
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550. Please. This is—
This is very important.
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551. Tippy toe! Tippy toe!
Uh, lemon tree!
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552. Now I know
who you are!
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553. You're a comedian.
I've seen you.
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554. It's been
driving me crazy!
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555. Right. I am.
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556. Carol, that's so rude.
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557. Please, I'm serious,
just for a moment,
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558. if you wouldn't mind,
and then we'll talk to Jerry.
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559. Hey, you two,
I'm ready to go.
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560. That's what you
had to tell me?
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561. Your father
wears sneakers in the pool?
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562. Don't you find that
strange?
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563. Yes.
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564. Well, I'll just check my machine
and we'll go.
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565. Nope, nothing here. Let's go.
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566. Nope, nothing here. Let's go.
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567. Oh, I forgot to tell you.
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568. After I talked to you today,
my neighbor called me
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569. and played my messages
for me over the phone.
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570. Oh, I...
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571. Yours were hilarious!
We were both cracking up.
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572. I just love jokes like that.
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573. I love my phone machine.
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574. I wish I was a phone machine.
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575. I wish if I saw somebody
on the street
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576. I didn't want to talk to,
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577. I didn't want to talk to,
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578. I could go, "Excuse me,
I'm not in right now.
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579. "If you could just
leave a message,
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580. I could walk away."
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581. I also have a cordless phone,
but I don't like that as much,
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582. because you can't slam down
a cordless phone.
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583. You get mad at somebody
on a real phone,
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584. "You can't talk to me
like that!" Bang! You know.
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585. Cordless phone,
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586. "You can't talk to me
like that..."
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587. I told him.
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