Seinfeld 1x5

1. Went out to dinner the other night.

2. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does.

3. Never liked the "check at the end of the meal" system,

4. because money's a very different thing

5. before and after you eat.

6. Before you eat, money has no value.

7. You don't care about money when you're hungry.

8. You sit down in a restaurant

9. and you're like the ruler of an empire...

10. More drinks!

11. Appetizers!

12. Quickly, quickly.

13. It will be the greatest meal of our lives.

14. Then after the meal, you know,

15. you got the pants open, you got the napkins destroyed,

16. you got the pants open, you got the napkins destroyed,

17. cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes.

18. Then the check comes at that moment.

19. People are always upset, you know.

20. They're mystified by the check. They're...

21. "What is this?

22. How could this be?"

23. They start passing it around the table.

24. "Does this look right to you?

25. "We're not hungry now.

26. Why are we buying all this food?"

27. Well, I think Superman

28. probably has a very good sense of humor.

29. I never heard him say anything really funny.

30. But it's common sense.

31. He's got super strength, super speed.

32. I'm sure he's got super humor.

33. You'd think that, but...

34. either you're born with a sense of humor or you're not.

35. It's not gonna change.

36. Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton

37. all the way to the yellow sun

38. of the Earth...

39. Ehh...

40. Why?

41. Why would that one area of his mind

42. not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth?

43. not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth?

44. I don't know. But he ain't funny.

45. Hi. I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.

46. No problem.

47. Whew.

48. I dropped a grape.

49. Pardon?

50. I dropped a grape in the kitchen,

51. and it disappeared.

52. I couldn't find it.

53. I was literally on my knees for 10 minutes

54. looking for this stupid grape.

55. I have no idea where it went.

56. Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape.

57. Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape.

58. You'll find it.

59. No. I'm just getting over an allergy attack.

60. This guy I'm going out with... Robert.

61. Robert. Yes. Thank you.

62. He has two cats, and I'm allergic to them.

63. You know, I finally meet a normal man,

64. and I can't even go into his apartment, you know?

65. And of course my apartment is The Actors' Studio,

66. so we can't go there.

67. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know?

68. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know?

69. He won't even go away for the weekend

70. because of these cats.

71. Guys with cats... I don't know.

72. I've been thinking

73. about asking this girl I'm seeing...

74. Vanessa?

75. Vanessa. Thank you.

76. I've been thinking about asking her

77. to go away for a couple days.

78. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'd have to advise against that.

79. What do you know this woman, a month?

80. You're gonna be with her for 72 hours.

81. That's a dating decathlon.

82. Hey, why don't you take her

83. to that place in Vermont I was telling you about?

84. to that place in Vermont I was telling you about?

85. You know, that really charming place

86. with separate faucets for the hot and cold.

87. She'll love it.

88. That's exquisite.

89. Listen, if it's not too much trouble,

90. could you pass me that paper over there?

91. Just the business section is good.

92. You'd better find that grape

93. before it mutates

94. into another life form.

95. There was once a mutant grape

96. that terrorized an entire town

97. in the Texas panhandle.

98. They brought in the Army.

99. Nobody could stop it.

100. Nobody could stop it.

101. Apparently, it had a pit of steel.

102. Up again.

103. This is incredible. I'm... I'm getting it.

104. You're getting what?

105. A stock.

106. What stock?

107. Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?

108. Maybe.

109. He know this guy, Wilkenson.

110. He made a fortune in the stock market.

111. Now he's got some new thing,

112. you know, it's supposed to be a big merger.

113. I wasn't even supposed to say anything.

114. You guys should think about doing this too.

115. How high is it supposed to go?

116. I don't know, but Simons said

117. that if I wanted to get involved,

118. that Wilkenson would tell me the exact right minute to sell.

119. that Wilkenson would tell me the exact right minute to sell.

120. You want to do it?

121. Boy, I don't know.

122. I'd do it, but I don't have any money.

123. What kind of company is it?

124. It's called Centrax.

125. They've got some new kind of new technique

126. for televising opera.

127. Televising opera?

128. Some sort of electronic thingy.

129. Well, how much are you gonna invest?

130. Five thousand.

131. Ten. Ten thousand.

132. Five thousand.

133. Boy. Come on.

134. Wilkenson's got millions invested in this stock.

135. It's gone up three points since I've been watching it.

136. It's gone up three points since I've been watching it.

137. What if I lose it?

138. Come on.

139. Go for 2500.

140. We'll do it together. Come on, come on.

141. We're in it together.

142. All right, 2500.

143. That's it.

144. Yeah, can I take your order?

145. I will check to the raiser.

146. My bet? All right.

147. I'll open with...

148. a tuna sandwich.

149. Tuna?

150. Oh, the dolphin thing?

151. They're dying in the nets.

152. You know, the whole concept of lunch

153. is based on tuna.

154. is based on tuna.

155. But, Jerry,

156. can't you incorporate one unselfish act

157. in your daily routine?

158. Hey, when I'm driving,

159. I let people in ahead of me

160. all the time.

161. I'm always waving everybody in.

162. Go ahead, go ahead,

163. go ahead.

164. All right, all right, I'll have the chicken salad.

165. Um, and I'm gonna have an English muffin

166. with margarine on the side

167. and a cup of coffee.

168. Okay, what about you?

169. I'll have the tuna.

170. I have to say,

171. those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me.

172. Why didn't you do something?

173. What do you want me to do?

174. I gave the guy the half turn...

175. Then I gave him the full turn with the eye roll...

176. I mean, beyond that,

177. I'm risking a punch in the mouth.

178. Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs?

179. No puffs, just flakes.

180. Have you thought any more about that trip?

181. Yeah, I've been thinking about it.

182. You know, my friend told me about this great place

183. in Vermont.

184. I don't know.

185. I just worry about trips like this.

186. It's a lot of pressure.

187. It's great. It speeds up the intimacy level.

188. It's like putting the relationship

189. in a time compressor.

190. Where we would be six months from now,

191. we accomplish in three days.

192. Oh... so you want to move our relationship

193. into phase two.

194. Exactly.

195. I love phase two.

196. Extra toothbrushes,

197. increased phone call frequency,

198. increased phone call frequency,

199. walking around naked.

200. You know, the presents get a lot better

201. in phase two.

202. Really?

203. Can we go fishing up there?

204. Yeah, we can fish. What, blues, carp... marlin?

205. They have marlin in Vermont?

206. Oh, big fighting marlin.

207. Jerry, the stock is the same

208. as when you checked it earlier.

209. as when you checked it earlier.

210. There are no changes

211. after the market closes.

212. The stock is still down.

213. I know, but this is a different paper.

214. I thought maybe they have different... sources.

215. Is that my paper?

216. Bad news, my friend.

217. What? What news?

218. Centrax.

219. Oh, come on, it's down again?

220. Two and a half points.

221. Two and a half points.

222. Oh, I can't believe it.

223. Let me see that.

224. That's four and a half points in three days.

225. That's almost half my money.

226. Hey, I told you.

227. Yeah, you told me.

228. It's all manipulated with junk bonds.

229. You can't win.

230. H...

231. There's one thing I don't understand.

232. Why does it please you? George Costanza, please.

233. I'm just telling you to get rid of that stock now!

234. George, what's going on?

235. Sell it!

236. Sell it!

237. Just say, "I'm selling."

238. Well, where is the guy?

239. Nothing?

240. Almost half my money is gone.

241. Well, call me right back.

242. Nobody can reach Wilkenson.

243. He hasn't been home or in his office

244. in the past three days.

245. You know, I can't believe

246. you put your money in that Centrax.

247. You could have invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.

248. The roll-out tie dispenser...

249. What was that one?

250. Okay, you're in a restaurant.

251. You've got a very big meeting coming up.

252. Okay.

253. Oh, man, you've got mustard on your tie.

254. Oh, no.

255. You just... ksh, tear it off,

256. and... vvvvt, you've got a new one right here, huh?

257. And then... you're gone.

258. You're gone, all right.

259. Hey, where are you going?

260. You gonna take a trip? The... With the map...

261. Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa

262. for a few days.

263. Hey, can I use your place?

264. I've got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.

265. What friends?

266. What friends?

267. Well, it's just some people I met

268. at a rock concert.

269. Do you mind if they use your bed?

270. Because they're really good people, Jerry.

271. I'm telling you, you know, they're anarchists.

272. They're... They're... They're huge.

273. Yeah.

274. George, what?

275. You're kidding.

276. Well, what's wrong?

277. So, what are we gonna do?

278. Great. All right, I'll speak to you later.

279. Great. All right, I'll speak to you later.

280. Wilkenson, the guy

281. who's supposed to tell us

282. when to sell the stock,

283. he's in the hospital.

284. You don't know what's wrong with him?

285. All Simons was able to find out

286. is that he's in the hospital.

287. Okay, fine.

288. Has Simons been in touch with him?

289. Of course he's been in touch with him.

290. He left two messages.

291. He... just hasn't heard back yet, that's all.

292. Well, this is it. I'm selling.

293. All right, just... Just give it a little more time.

294. I never should have gotten involved in this.

295. I'm a nervous wreck. I'm not cut out for investing.

296. All right, that's it. I'm gonna go down there.

297. Where?

298. To the hospital.

299. To the hospital.

300. The hospital?

301. I'm gonna find out what's going on, all right?

302. Are you nuts? You don't even know the guy.

303. So what?

304. I'll start talking to him, you know, casual.

305. I'll work my way around to it.

306. What if he's in an iron lung or something?

307. What are you gonna do?

308. How you feeling, Mr. Wilkenson?

309. By the way, what's happening with Centrax?

310. Maybe he's there resting.

311. Who goes to a hospital to rest?

312. Who goes to a hospital to rest?

313. What are you, a doctor?

314. Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there?

315. Today, I'm going today.

316. Just don't do anything

317. until you hear from me.

318. All right.

319. Boy, I have to get to a bathroom.

320. May I help you?

321. Yeah, I picked up this shirt here yesterday.

322. It's completely shrunk.

323. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.

324. When did you bring it in?

325. What's the difference?

326. What's the difference?

327. Look at it. Do you see the size of this shirt?

328. You got a receipt?

329. I can't find the receipt.

330. You should get the receipt.

331. Look, forget about the receipt, all right?

332. Even if I had the receipt, look at it, it's a hand puppet.

333. What am I gonna do with this?

334. Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?

335. What do you think? This is a little scam I have?

336. I take this tiny shirt all over the city,

337. conning dry cleaners out of money?

338. In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money.

339. In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money.

340. I just once would like to hear a dry cleaner admit

341. that something was their fault.

342. That's what I want.

343. I want an admission of guilt.

344. Maybe you asked for it to be washed.

345. No, dry-cleaned.

346. Let me explain to you something, okay?

347. With certain types of fabrics,

348. different chemicals can react, causing...

349. You shrunk it. You know you shrunk it.

350. Just tell me you shrunk it.

351. I shrunk it.

352. I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner

353. is so I can say to the dry cleaner,

354. "Well... it's ruined,"

355. and of course, the dry cleaner can respond,

356. "It's not our fault. We're not responsible.

357. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation."

358. See, the whole problem with dry cleaning

359. is that we all believe that this is actually possible.

360. is that we all believe that this is actually possible.

361. Right?

362. They're cleaning our clothes,

363. but they're not getting anything wet.

364. It's all dry.

365. I know there's got to be some liquids back there,

366. some fluids that they're using.

367. There's no such thing as dry cleaning.

368. When you get something on your shirt...

369. Ever get something on your shirt

370. and try and get it off like that?

371. That's dry cleaning.

372. I don't think that's what they're doing

373. back there.

374. They don't have 80 guys going, "Come on, hurry up.

375. There's a lot of shirts today."

376. Bless you.

377. Thank you.

378. What evidence is there

379. that cats are so smart anyway, huh?

380. What do they do?

381. Because they're clean?

382. I'm sorry.

383. My uncle Pete showers four times a day,

384. and he can't count to 10, so don't give me hygiene.

385. So, what are you gonna do?

386. I don't know, I can't think of any solution...

387. Unless, of course,

388. Unless, of course,

389. they should meet with some unfortunate accident.

390. What do you think a hit man would charge

391. to rub out a couple of cats?

392. Well, it couldn't be too expensive.

393. Thirteen, 14 bucks a cat?

394. What do you think, Jerry? You want to make 28 bucks?

395. I'm no cat killer.

396. How about...

397. we go over there right now,

398. and we shave them?

399. and we shave them?

400. I'd really like to go, Elaine,

401. but... George is coming back from the hospital,

402. I've got to wait for him.

403. But otherwise, I would definitely go.

404. He actually went to the hospital?

405. Yeah.

406. Oh, man, he's nuts.

407. Yeah, he's nuts.

408. You want to bump off a couple of cats.

409. I know, I know. It's down again.

410. How much you down altogether?

411. How much you down altogether?

412. I don't know, $1500.

413. Wow.

414. You don't have to say "wow." I know it's "wow."

415. And there's that smile again.

416. What is that?

417. It's George.

418. Yeah.

419. Oh...

420. Oh, look at this one by the bus stop.

421. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.

422. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.

423. I really don't need to look.

424. What a body.

425. Yeah, that's for me.

426. Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too,

427. a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars

428. 10 floors up.

429. I'm gonna go down there and try and talk to her, huh?

430. What?

431. What? Did you go down there?

432. Did he tell you what's going to happen?

433. How long were you there?

434. Fifteen seconds.

435. You told him you knew Simons.

436. Yeah, I mentioned Simons.

437. Next thing I know, I'm in the parking lot!

438. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out.

439. I'll tell you one thing...

440. I'll tell you one thing...

441. I don't know what he's got,

442. but for a sick guy, he's very strong.

443. Well, that's it. Look, I'm going to Vermont.

444. I don't want to think about this.

445. I'm selling.

446. Didn't work, huh?

447. Not quite.

448. What are you gonna do about the stock?

449. I'm keeping it.

450. I'm going down with the ship.

451. So I know this guy.

452. I'm getting all my sneakers

453. at a discount now.

454. I know. You mentioned it.

455. Oh, yeah, right.

456. Oh, God, get me out of here. What a mistake.

457. What made me think this would work?

458. And I've still got another day.

459. I've got nothing left to say.

460. Wait, wait, I've got one.

461. That's a nice watch.

462. Yeah.

463. Yeah.

464. Do you wind it?

465. No, it's got a little battery.

466. Well, that's good.

467. Well, the drive home should be a delight.

468. I'm speeding the whole way.

469. Let them throw me in jail. I don't care.

470. That's the manager.

471. Do you want me to see if we can get another room?

472. No, it's okay.

473. So I guess you don't find

474. the separate faucets for the hot and the cold...

475. charming?

476. Not especially.

477. Well, what do you want to do this afternoon?

478. What can we do? It's raining.

479. We could play "Sorry."

480. We could play "Steal the old man's bundle."

481. Maybe I can get an extension cord

482. and hang myself.

483. What kind of perfume is that you're wearing?

484. Oh, you've never heard of it.

485. No, what... what kind is it?

486. I can't tell you.

487. Yeah, that's real normal.

488. Excuse me, sir.

489. Could I have a look at that business section?

490. The stock? Thank you.

491. I thought you got out of that.

492. I did. I'm just curious.

493. It's been almost a week. I want to check it out.

494. Six points?

495. It's up six points.

496. I told you not to sell.

497. You did not tell me not to sell.

498. I said the market fluctuates. Remember?

499. Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates.

500. Everybody knows that.

501. I just got fluctuated out of $4000.

502. That's probably why we're...

503. That's probably why we're...

504. What?

505. Forget it.

506. No, that's probably why...

507. That's probably why we're staying here,

508. because you lost money on the stock.

509. So what am I looking at here?

510. Twenty-nine hours to go?

511. Well, at least I've got plenty of time

512. to find out the name of that perfume.

513. James... he kills me, kills me.

514. Have something else. Come on, have a little dessert.

515. Have something else. Come on, have a little dessert.

516. I'm good, thanks.

517. Elaine, get something. It's all taken care of.

518. I'm kind of full.

519. So don't finish it!

520. She's full.

521. So, big daddy, I'm just curious.

522. How much did you clear

523. on your little transaction there,

524. all told?

525. I don't like to discuss figures.

526. How much?

527. I don't know, 8,000. It's a Hyundai.

528. Get out of here.

529. Get out of here.

530. I told you not to sell.

531. Simons made money. Wilkenson cleaned up.

532. So Wilkenson is out of the hospital now?

533. No.

534. You'd be surprised.

535. You don't recover that quickly from a nose job.

536. Oh, God.

537. Is that still from those cats?

538. No...

539. I've just got a cold.

540. So, what ever happened with that?

541. I gave him an ultimatum.

542. He chose the cats?

543. He chose the cats?

544. They're very clean animals.

545. I've got to say, that's pretty bad,

546. losing out to a cat.

547. Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.

548. Told you those trips are relationship-killers.

549. Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman

550. to fly around the earth

551. at super speed

552. and reverse time.

553. Get all the money back,

554. could have avoided

555. the whole trip to Vermont...

556. the whole trip to Vermont...

557. Superman can go back in time?

558. We went over that.

559. Psst...

560. Wilkenson's got a bite on a new one...

561. The Tramco Corporation.

562. Out of... Springfield, I think.

563. They're about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher.

564. A robot butcher?

565. A robot butcher?

566. Shh...

567. You want to get in...

568. very little time.

569. Ahem.

570. Sweetheart...

571. No, no, no, no, no, that ought to cover it.

572. Just a second. Just let me... peek.

573. Good.

574. Come on! Come on, come on, come on...

575. I'm not an investor.

576. People always tell me,

577. "You should have your money working for you."

578. I've decided I'll do the work, I'm gonna let the money relax.

579. You know what I mean?

580. Because you send your money out there

581. working for you,

582. a lot of times, it gets fired.

583. You go back there, "What happened?

584. I had my money, it was here, it was working for me."

585. "Yeah, I remember your money.

586. "Yeah, I remember your money.

587. "Showing up late, taking time off...

588. We had to let him go."