1. Most men like working on things.
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2. Tools, objects, fixing things.
This is what men enjoy doing.
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3. Ever noticed if a guy's in his driveway
working on something with tools...
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4. how all the other men
in the neighbourhood...
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5. are magnetically drawn
to this activity?
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6. They just come wandering out
of the house like zombies.
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7. Men... It's true. Men hear a drill,
it's like a dog whistle.
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8. They go running up
to the living-room curtain.
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9. "Honey, I think Jim's working
on something over there."
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10. So they run over to the guy.
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11. They don't actually help the guy.
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12. No. They just want to hang
around the area...
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13. where work is being done.
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14. That's what men want to do.
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15. We want to watch the guy.
We want to talk to him.
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16. We want to ask him dumb questions.
You know...
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17. "What are you using,
a Phillips head?"
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18. You know, we feel involved.
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19. That's why when they have
construction sites...
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20. they have to have those wood
panel fences around it.
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21. That's just to keep the men out.
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22. They cut those little holes for us...
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23. so we can see
what the hell is going on.
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24. But if they don't cut those holes,
we are climbing those fences.
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25. Right over there. "What are you using,
the steel girders down here?"
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26. Yeah, that'll hold.
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27. I had to say something.
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28. Had to say something.
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29. Everything was going so well.
I had to say something.
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30. I don't think you did
anything wrong.
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31. I told her I liked her. Why?
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32. Why did I tell her I like her?
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33. I have this sick compulsion
to tell women how I feel.
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34. I like you. I don't tell you.
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35. We can only thank God for that.
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36. I'm out of the picture.
I am out of the picture.
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37. Matter of time now.
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38. - You're imagining this. Really.
- Oh, no. No, no.
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39. I'll tell you when it happened too.
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40. It's when that floss came
flying out of my pocket.
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41. What floss? When?
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42. In the lobby, during
the intermission of the play.
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43. I was buying her one of those
containers of orange drink.
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44. For $5.
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45. I reach into my pocket
to pay for it. I look down.
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46. There's this piece of green floss
hanging from my fingers.
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47. - Mint.
- Of course.
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48. So I'm looking at it.
I look up and see she's looking at it.
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49. Our eyes lock.
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50. It was a horrible moment. I just...
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51. So let me get this straight.
She saw the floss.
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52. You panicked, and you told her
you liked her.
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53. If I didn't put floss in my pocket...
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54. I'd be crawling around her bedroom
right now, looking for my glasses.
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55. - You sure the floss was the catalyst?
- Yes, I am.
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56. You don't think it might have
had anything to do with that?
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57. What, you don't like this?
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58. Looks like your belt is digesting
a small animal.
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59. They got a cure for cancer.
See, it's all big business.
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60. Oh, hey! Jerry just walked in.
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61. Hi, George!
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62. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take my number.
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63. It's 555-8643.
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64. Okay. Here he is.
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65. - Who is it?
- Take it.
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66. - Who is it?
- It's for you.
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67. Hello?
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68. Oh, hi, Joel.
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69. No. I was out of town.
I just got back.
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70. Kramer doesn't know anything.
He's just my next-door neighbour.
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71. Nothing much. Tuesday?
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72. Tuesday, no.
I'm meeting somebody.
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73. Wednesday?
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74. Wednesday's okay. All right.
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75. I'm a little busy right now.
Can we talk Wednesday morning?
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76. Okay. Yeah.
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77. Right. Thanks. Bye.
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78. Why do you put me
on the phone with him?
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79. I hate just being handed a phone.
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80. Well, it's your phone.
He wanted to talk to you.
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81. Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.
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82. - Well, why not?
- He bothers me.
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83. I don't answer the phone anymore
because of him.
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84. He's turned me into a screener.
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85. Now I gotta see him on Wednesday.
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86. What? I thought we had tickets
to the Knick game Wednesday.
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87. We got seats behind the bench.
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88. - What happened? We're not going?
- We're going.
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89. That's next Wednesday.
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90. - Who is this guy?
- His name's Joel Horneck.
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91. He lived, like, three houses down
from me when I grew up.
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92. He had a Ping-Pong table.
We were friends.
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93. Should I suffer the rest of my life
because I like to play Ping-Pong?
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94. I was 10!
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95. I would've been friends with Stalin
if he had a Ping-Pong table.
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96. He's so self-involved.
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97. That's for me.
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98. Kramerica Industries.
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99. Hi, Mark.
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100. No, no. Forget that.
I got a better idea.
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101. A pizza place where you make
your own pie.
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102. Can you conduct your business...
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103. elsewhere?
- No, I'm talking about a whole chain.
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104. Yeah.
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105. I don't know why you bother
with this Ping-Pong guy, I tell you.
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106. I don't bother with him.
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107. He's been calling me for seven years.
I never called him once.
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108. He's got the attention span
of a 5-year-old.
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109. Sometimes I sit there...
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110. and I make up things just to see
if he's paying attention.
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111. I don't understand why
you spend time with this guy.
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112. What can I do, break up with him?
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113. Tell him, "I don't think we're right
for each other."
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114. It's a guy.
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115. At least with a woman
there's a precedent.
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116. The relationship goes sour,
you end it.
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117. No, no, no. You have to approach
this as if he was a woman.
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118. - Just break up with him?
- Absolutely.
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119. - You just tell him the truth.
- The truth?
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120. No. As a guy, I don't know how
I can break up with another guy.
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121. You know?
I don't know how to say:
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122. "Bill, I feel I need to see other men."
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123. Know what I mean?
There is nothing I can do.
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124. I have to wait for someone to die.
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125. I think that's the only way
out of this relationship.
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126. It could be a long time.
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127. See the great thing about guys
is that we can become friends...
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128. based on almost nothing.
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129. Just two guys will just become friends
just because they're two guys.
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130. That's almost all we need
to have in common.
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131. Because sports and women
is really all we talk about.
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132. If there was no sports and no women,
the only thing guys would say is:
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133. "So, what's in the refrigerator?"
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134. So my shrink wants me to bring
my mother in for a session.
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135. I mean, this guy is a brilliant man.
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136. Lenny Bruce used to go to him...
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137. and I think, Geraldo.
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138. I read the Lenny Bruce biography.
I thought it was...
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139. Hey, hey, hey! We're starving here!
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140. interesting...
- We've been waiting here 10 minutes.
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141. that he would...
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142. So I'm thinking about going
to Iran this summer.
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143. You know, I have to eat.
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144. I mean, I'm hypoglycaemic.
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145. Anyway, the Hezbollah
has invited me to perform.
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146. - It's their annual terrorist luncheon.
- Yeah.
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147. I'm gonna do it in Farsi.
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148. Do you think I need a haircut?
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149. Are you ready?
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150. Yeah, I'll have the egg salad
on whole wheat.
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151. Hey, let me ask you a question.
This turkey sandwich here...
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152. is that real turkey
or is it a turkey roll?
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153. I don't want that processed turkey.
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154. I hate it.
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155. I think it's real turkey.
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156. - Is there a real bird in the back?
- No, there's no bird, but...
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157. How do you know for sure?
Why don't you do me a favour.
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158. Why don't you go in the back
and find out, okay?
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159. Unbelievable.
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160. How can you talk
to someone like that?
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161. Look, what are you saying?
What, you like turkey roll?
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162. Listen, Joel. There's something
I have to tell you.
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163. Wait.
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164. You'll never guess who I ran into.
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165. - Howard Metro.
- Howard Metro.
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166. He asked me if I still saw you.
I said, "Sure, I see him all the time.
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167. We're still great friends."
Anyway, Howard says hello.
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168. Listen, Joel.
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169. I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
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170. What?
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171. This friendship, it's not working.
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172. Not working?
What are you talking about?
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173. We're just not suited to be friends.
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174. - But how can you say that?
- Look, you're a nice guy.
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175. It's just that we don't have
anything in common.
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176. Wait. What did I do?
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177. Tell me what...
I want to know what I did.
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178. You didn't do anything.
It's not you. It's me.
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179. It's... This is very difficult.
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180. Look, I know I call you too much.
Right? I mean, I know.
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181. - You're a very busy guy.
- No, it's not that.
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182. You're one of the few people
I can talk to.
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183. Look, come on.
Now, that's not true.
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184. I always tell everybody about you.
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185. I tell everybody to go see his show!
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186. I mean, I'm your biggest fan.
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187. - I know, I know.
- I mean, you're my best friend.
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188. Best friend? I've never been
to your apartment.
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189. I cannot believe that this
is happening! I can't believe it.
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190. Okay, okay, forget it.
It's okay. I didn't mean it.
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191. - Didn't mean what?
- What I said.
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192. - I've been under a lot of stress.
- Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.
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193. Look, just... Can we just forget
the whole thing ever happened?
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194. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
I took it out on you.
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195. We're still friends.
We're still friends. Still friends.
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196. Okay, look. I tell you what.
I got Knick tickets. This Wednesday.
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197. Great seats behind the bench.
You want to come with me?
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198. Come on.
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199. Tonight?
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200. No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight,
I would've said tonight.
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201. You really want me to go?
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202. Yes.
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203. - Okay.
- Here, take these.
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204. Okay. Great. That would be...
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205. That'd be great. So...
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206. next Wednesday.
- Next Wednesday.
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207. Say, where is that waitress? Hey!
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208. She calls me up at the office.
She says, "We have to talk."
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209. The four worst words
in the English language.
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210. That or, "Whose bra is this?"
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211. That is worse.
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212. So we order lunch,
and we're talking.
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213. Finally, she blurts out
how it's not working.
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214. Really.
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215. So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this,
I'm thinking, "Great.
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216. The relationship's over,
but the egg salad's on the way."
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217. So now I have a decision.
Do I walk or do I eat?
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218. You ate.
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219. Sat there for 20 minutes, chewing.
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220. Staring at each other
in a defunct relationship.
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221. Someone says,
"Get out of my life."
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222. And that doesn't affect
your appetite?
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223. Have you ever had
their egg salad?
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224. - It is unbelievable.
- It's unbelievable.
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225. Tell you what else is unbelievable.
I picked up the check.
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226. She didn't even offer.
She ended it.
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227. The least she could do is
send me off with a sandwich.
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228. How much could you
possibly have in there?
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229. Look, it's my money.
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230. All right? What should I do,
throw it out the window?
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231. I know a guy who took
his vacation on his change.
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232. Yeah? Where'd he go?
To an arcade?
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233. That's funny. You're a funny guy.
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234. Come on, move up.
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235. Great. Ewing's hurt.
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236. How long is he gonna be out?
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237. Well, a couple days
at the most, but...
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238. - Oh, God.
- I got scared there for a second.
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239. The Knicks without Ewing.
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240. Listen, George.
A little problem with the game.
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241. - What about it?
- The thing is, yesterday...
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242. I kind of...
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243. - What?
- I gave your ticket to Horneck.
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244. - You what?
- Yeah.
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245. I'm sorry.
I had to give it to Horneck.
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246. No.
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247. My ticket?
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248. - You gave my ticket to Horneck?
- Come on. Go ahead. Move up.
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249. What did you give him
my ticket for?
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250. You didn't see him.
It was horrible.
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251. Oh, come on, Jerry.
I can't believe this!
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252. - I had to do it.
- Oh, please.
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253. Can you change this into bills?
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254. I'm sorry, sir, we can't do that.
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255. Do you want to go with him?
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256. - You go, I don't mind.
- I'm not going with him!
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257. I don't even know the guy!
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258. Look, they did this for me before.
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259. Look, I can give you these,
and you can roll them yourself.
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260. You want me to roll 6000 of these?
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261. What, should I quit my job?
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262. No, I do not like the bank.
I've heard the expression:
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263. "Laughing all the way to the bank."
I've never seen anyone actually do it.
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264. And those bank lines.
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265. I hate it when there's
nobody on the line at all.
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266. You now that part?
You go to the bank, it's empty...
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267. and you still have to go
through the little maze.
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268. "Could you get some cheese for me?
I'm almost at the front.
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269. I'd like a reward for this, please."
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270. - Thirty-two, 33...
- George.
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271. Not now, 33...
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272. - Thirty...
- Could you stop the counting?
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273. - What?
- Can I make it up to you?
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274. I'll give you $50 for the jug.
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275. Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.
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276. Well, then I'm not gonna go
to the game either.
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277. Okay, I'll give him both tickets.
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278. Go. Go!
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279. l... No, I don't want to go.
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280. - He was really crying?
- I had to give him a tissue.
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281. In fact, let me call his machine now,
and I'll make up some excuse...
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282. why I can't go to the game either.
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283. Wait. Wait a minute. As long
as you're gonna lie to the guy...
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284. why don't you tell him that you lost
both of the tickets. Then we can go.
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285. George, the man wept.
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286. Hey, guys.
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287. Man, I'm telling you, this pizza idea
is really gonna happen.
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288. This is the thing where you go and
you have to make your own pizza?
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289. We give you the dough.
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290. You smash it. You pound it.
You fling it up in the air.
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291. And then you get to put your sauce
and sprinkle your cheese.
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292. And then,
you slide it into the oven.
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293. You have to know how to do that.
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294. You can't have people shoving
their arms into a 600-degree oven!
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295. - It's all supervised.
- Oh, well...
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296. All of it!
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297. - You want to invest?
- My money's tied up in change.
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298. You know, look. I'm telling you.
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299. People, they really want to make
their own pizza pie.
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300. I have to say something,
with all due respect.
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301. I just never...
I can't imagine anyone...
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302. in any walk of life,
under any circumstance...
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303. wanting to make
their own pizza pie.
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304. - But that's me.
- Well, okay.
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305. - That's you.
- I'm just saying.
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306. I just wanted to check with you guys.
This business is going to be big.
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307. I just want to... Okay.
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308. One day, you'll beg me
to make your own pie.
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309. Hi, Joel. This is Jerry.
I hope you get this before you...
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310. Oh, hi, Joel. Oh, you just came in.
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311. Listen, I can't make it
to the game tonight.
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312. I have to tutor my nephew.
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313. Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow.
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314. Geometry.
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315. You know, trapezoid, rhombus.
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316. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets.
They're at the will-call window.
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317. And I'm really sorry. Have a good time.
We'll talk next week, okay? Yeah.
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318. Yeah. I don't... Fine.
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319. Fine, bye.
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320. "Trapezoid"?
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321. I know. I'm really running out
of excuses with this guy.
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322. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.
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323. Come on. Let's go do something.
I don't want to just sit around here.
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324. - Wanna get something to eat?
- Where?
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325. I don't care. I'm not hungry.
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326. We could go to one of those
cappuccino places.
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327. They let you just sit there.
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328. What are we gonna do there, talk?
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329. We can talk.
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330. I'll go if I don't have to talk.
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331. Then we'll just sit there.
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332. Okay, I'm gonna check
my machine first.
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333. "Picking someone up
at airport, jury duty...
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334. waiting for cable company."
- Okay, just hand that over, please.
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335. - What is this?
- It's a list of excuses.
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336. It's for that guy Horneck, who's
at the game tonight with my tickets.
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337. I have that list now, so in case
he calls, I just consult it...
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338. and I don't have to see him.
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339. - God.
- I need it.
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340. - What are you doing?
- I got some for you.
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341. - Oh, I don't need any more.
- No, no, no.
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342. These are good. Listen, listen.
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343. "You ran out of underwear,
you can't leave the house."
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344. Very funny.
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345. How about you've been diagnosed...
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346. as a multiple personality?
You're not even you.
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347. You're Dan.
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348. I'm Dan.
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349. - Can I have my list back, please?
- Here. Here.
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350. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot
believe you are doing this.
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351. This is absolutely infantile.
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352. - What can I do?
- Deal with it. Be a man.
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353. Oh, no.
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354. That's impossible. I'd rather
lie to him the rest of my life...
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355. than go through that again.
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356. He was crying.
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357. Tears, accompanied by mucus.
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358. You made a man cry?
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359. I never made a man cry.
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360. I even kicked a guy in the groin once,
and he didn't cry.
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361. I got the cab.
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362. A couple of tough monkeys.
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363. Hi, Elaine.
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364. Hey, you missed
a great game tonight.
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365. - Game?
- Knick game.
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366. Horneck took me. We're sitting
two rows behind the bench.
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367. We were getting hit by sweat!
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368. Wait. How does Horneck know you?
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369. Last week, when I, you know,
gave you the phone.
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370. He's really into my pizza place idea.
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371. - This is too much.
- Wait. What pizza place idea?
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372. Oh, no.
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373. You get to make your own pie.
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374. That sounds like a great idea.
It would be fun.
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375. - Kramer!
- Yeah!
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376. Perfect.
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377. Hey!
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378. Okay, who wants meat loaf?
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379. - No, thanks.
- No, no.
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380. It's gonna be hot in a minute.
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381. So I thought you were
tutoring your nephew.
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382. - We finished early.
- I'll bet.
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383. So are you going to introduce me
to your nephew?
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384. Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.
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385. Whoa, Nelson.
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386. This is Elaine.
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387. - I thought you guys split up.
- We're still friends.
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388. So...
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389. Thanks again for those tickets,
But next week, I'm gonna take you.
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390. How about next Tuesday night?
Why don't you come along.
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391. Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good
because we've got choir practice.
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392. Right.
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393. - Forgot about choir.
- Yeah.
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394. We're... We're doing that evening...
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395. of Eastern European
national anthems.
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396. Right. You know...
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397. the wall being down and everything.
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398. Well, what about Thursday night?
I mean, they're playing the Sonics.
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399. Thursday is not good because
we've gotta get to the hospital...
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400. to see if we qualify
as those organ donors.
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401. I should really try
something like that.
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402. You really should.
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403. Well, let's just take a look here.
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404. Forty-one home games.
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405. Let's see, Saturday night
we got the Mavericks.
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406. If you don't like the Mavericks,
next Tuesday, Lakers.
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407. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right?
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408. Now, let's see. On the road,
on the road, on the road...
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409. Back, back on the 14th.
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410. They play the Bulls.
You can't miss Air Jordan...
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411. I've come to the conclusion that there
are certain friends in your life...
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412. that they're just always your friends,
and you have to accept it.
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413. You see them. You don't want
to see them. You don't call them.
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414. They call you.
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415. You don't call back,
they call again.
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416. The way to get through talking
with people...
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417. you have nothing in common with...
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418. is to pretend you're hosting
your own little talk show.
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419. This is what I do. Pretend there's
a little desk around you.
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420. There's a little chair over there,
and you interview them.
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421. The only problem is,
there's no way to say:
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422. "Hey, it's been great having
you on the show.
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423. We're out of time."
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