1. Most men like working on things.Copy !req
2. Tools, objects, fixing things.
This is what men enjoy doing.Copy !req
3. Ever noticed if a guy's in his driveway
working on something with tools...Copy !req
4. how all the other men
in the neighbourhood...Copy !req
5. are magnetically drawn
to this activity?Copy !req
6. They just come wandering out
of the house like zombies.Copy !req
7. Men... It's true. Men hear a drill,
it's like a dog whistle.Copy !req
8. They go running up
to the living-room curtain.Copy !req
9. "Honey, I think Jim's working
on something over there."Copy !req
10. So they run over to the guy.Copy !req
11. They don't actually help the guy.Copy !req
12. No. They just want to hang
around the area...Copy !req
13. where work is being done.Copy !req
14. That's what men want to do.Copy !req
15. We want to watch the guy.
We want to talk to him.Copy !req
16. We want to ask him dumb questions.
You know...Copy !req
17. "What are you using,
a Phillips head?"Copy !req
18. You know, we feel involved.Copy !req
19. That's why when they have
construction sites...Copy !req
20. they have to have those wood
panel fences around it.Copy !req
21. That's just to keep the men out.Copy !req
22. They cut those little holes for us...Copy !req
23. so we can see
what the hell is going on.Copy !req
24. But if they don't cut those holes,
we are climbing those fences.Copy !req
25. Right over there. "What are you using,
the steel girders down here?"Copy !req
26. Yeah, that'll hold.Copy !req
27. I had to say something.Copy !req
28. Had to say something.Copy !req
29. Everything was going so well.
I had to say something.Copy !req
30. I don't think you did
anything wrong.Copy !req
31. I told her I liked her. Why?Copy !req
32. Why did I tell her I like her?Copy !req
33. I have this sick compulsion
to tell women how I feel.Copy !req
34. I like you. I don't tell you.Copy !req
35. We can only thank God for that.Copy !req
36. I'm out of the picture.
I am out of the picture.Copy !req
37. Matter of time now.Copy !req
38. - You're imagining this. Really.
- Oh, no. No, no.Copy !req
39. I'll tell you when it happened too.Copy !req
40. It's when that floss came
flying out of my pocket.Copy !req
41. What floss? When?Copy !req
42. In the lobby, during
the intermission of the play.Copy !req
43. I was buying her one of those
containers of orange drink.Copy !req
44. For $5.Copy !req
45. I reach into my pocket
to pay for it. I look down.Copy !req
46. There's this piece of green floss
hanging from my fingers.Copy !req
47. - Mint.
- Of course.Copy !req
48. So I'm looking at it.
I look up and see she's looking at it.Copy !req
49. Our eyes lock.Copy !req
50. It was a horrible moment. I just...Copy !req
51. So let me get this straight.
She saw the floss.Copy !req
52. You panicked, and you told her
you liked her.Copy !req
53. If I didn't put floss in my pocket...Copy !req
54. I'd be crawling around her bedroom
right now, looking for my glasses.Copy !req
55. - You sure the floss was the catalyst?
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
56. You don't think it might have
had anything to do with that?Copy !req
57. What, you don't like this?Copy !req
58. Looks like your belt is digesting
a small animal.Copy !req
59. They got a cure for cancer.
See, it's all big business.Copy !req
60. Oh, hey! Jerry just walked in.Copy !req
61. Hi, George!Copy !req
62. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take my number.Copy !req
63. It's 555-8643.Copy !req
64. Okay. Here he is.Copy !req
65. - Who is it?
- Take it.Copy !req
66. - Who is it?
- It's for you.Copy !req
67. Hello?Copy !req
68. Oh, hi, Joel.Copy !req
69. No. I was out of town.
I just got back.Copy !req
70. Kramer doesn't know anything.
He's just my next-door neighbour.Copy !req
71. Nothing much. Tuesday?Copy !req
72. Tuesday, no.
I'm meeting somebody.Copy !req
73. Wednesday?Copy !req
74. Wednesday's okay. All right.Copy !req
75. I'm a little busy right now.
Can we talk Wednesday morning?Copy !req
76. Okay. Yeah.Copy !req
77. Right. Thanks. Bye.Copy !req
78. Why do you put me
on the phone with him?Copy !req
79. I hate just being handed a phone.Copy !req
80. Well, it's your phone.
He wanted to talk to you.Copy !req
81. Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.Copy !req
82. - Well, why not?
- He bothers me.Copy !req
83. I don't answer the phone anymore
because of him.Copy !req
84. He's turned me into a screener.Copy !req
85. Now I gotta see him on Wednesday.Copy !req
86. What? I thought we had tickets
to the Knick game Wednesday.Copy !req
87. We got seats behind the bench.Copy !req
88. - What happened? We're not going?
- We're going.Copy !req
89. That's next Wednesday.Copy !req
90. - Who is this guy?
- His name's Joel Horneck.Copy !req
91. He lived, like, three houses down
from me when I grew up.Copy !req
92. He had a Ping-Pong table.
We were friends.Copy !req
93. Should I suffer the rest of my life
because I like to play Ping-Pong?Copy !req
94. I was 10!Copy !req
95. I would've been friends with Stalin
if he had a Ping-Pong table.Copy !req
96. He's so self-involved.Copy !req
97. That's for me.Copy !req
98. Kramerica Industries.Copy !req
99. Hi, Mark.Copy !req
100. No, no. Forget that.
I got a better idea.Copy !req
101. A pizza place where you make
your own pie.Copy !req
102. Can you conduct your business...Copy !req
103. elsewhere?
- No, I'm talking about a whole chain.Copy !req
104. Yeah.Copy !req
105. I don't know why you bother
with this Ping-Pong guy, I tell you.Copy !req
106. I don't bother with him.Copy !req
107. He's been calling me for seven years.
I never called him once.Copy !req
108. He's got the attention span
of a 5-year-old.Copy !req
109. Sometimes I sit there...Copy !req
110. and I make up things just to see
if he's paying attention.Copy !req
111. I don't understand why
you spend time with this guy.Copy !req
112. What can I do, break up with him?Copy !req
113. Tell him, "I don't think we're right
for each other."Copy !req
114. It's a guy.Copy !req
115. At least with a woman
there's a precedent.Copy !req
116. The relationship goes sour,
you end it.Copy !req
117. No, no, no. You have to approach
this as if he was a woman.Copy !req
118. - Just break up with him?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
119. - You just tell him the truth.
- The truth?Copy !req
120. No. As a guy, I don't know how
I can break up with another guy.Copy !req
121. You know?
I don't know how to say:Copy !req
122. "Bill, I feel I need to see other men."Copy !req
123. Know what I mean?
There is nothing I can do.Copy !req
124. I have to wait for someone to die.Copy !req
125. I think that's the only way
out of this relationship.Copy !req
126. It could be a long time.Copy !req
127. See the great thing about guys
is that we can become friends...Copy !req
128. based on almost nothing.Copy !req
129. Just two guys will just become friends
just because they're two guys.Copy !req
130. That's almost all we need
to have in common.Copy !req
131. Because sports and women
is really all we talk about.Copy !req
132. If there was no sports and no women,
the only thing guys would say is:Copy !req
133. "So, what's in the refrigerator?"Copy !req
134. So my shrink wants me to bring
my mother in for a session.Copy !req
135. I mean, this guy is a brilliant man.Copy !req
136. Lenny Bruce used to go to him...Copy !req
137. and I think, Geraldo.Copy !req
138. I read the Lenny Bruce biography.
I thought it was...Copy !req
139. Hey, hey, hey! We're starving here!Copy !req
140. interesting...
- We've been waiting here 10 minutes.Copy !req
141. that he would...Copy !req
142. So I'm thinking about going
to Iran this summer.Copy !req
143. You know, I have to eat.Copy !req
144. I mean, I'm hypoglycaemic.Copy !req
145. Anyway, the Hezbollah
has invited me to perform.Copy !req
146. - It's their annual terrorist luncheon.
- Yeah.Copy !req
147. I'm gonna do it in Farsi.Copy !req
148. Do you think I need a haircut?Copy !req
149. Are you ready?Copy !req
150. Yeah, I'll have the egg salad
on whole wheat.Copy !req
151. Hey, let me ask you a question.
This turkey sandwich here...Copy !req
152. is that real turkey
or is it a turkey roll?Copy !req
153. I don't want that processed turkey.Copy !req
154. I hate it.Copy !req
155. I think it's real turkey.Copy !req
156. - Is there a real bird in the back?
- No, there's no bird, but...Copy !req
157. How do you know for sure?
Why don't you do me a favour.Copy !req
158. Why don't you go in the back
and find out, okay?Copy !req
159. Unbelievable.Copy !req
160. How can you talk
to someone like that?Copy !req
161. Look, what are you saying?
What, you like turkey roll?Copy !req
162. Listen, Joel. There's something
I have to tell you.Copy !req
163. Wait.Copy !req
164. You'll never guess who I ran into.Copy !req
165. - Howard Metro.
- Howard Metro.Copy !req
166. He asked me if I still saw you.
I said, "Sure, I see him all the time.Copy !req
167. We're still great friends."
Anyway, Howard says hello.Copy !req
168. Listen, Joel.Copy !req
169. I don't think we should
see each other anymore.Copy !req
170. What?Copy !req
171. This friendship, it's not working.Copy !req
172. Not working?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
173. We're just not suited to be friends.Copy !req
174. - But how can you say that?
- Look, you're a nice guy.Copy !req
175. It's just that we don't have
anything in common.Copy !req
176. Wait. What did I do?Copy !req
177. Tell me what...
I want to know what I did.Copy !req
178. You didn't do anything.
It's not you. It's me.Copy !req
179. It's... This is very difficult.Copy !req
180. Look, I know I call you too much.
Right? I mean, I know.Copy !req
181. - You're a very busy guy.
- No, it's not that.Copy !req
182. You're one of the few people
I can talk to.Copy !req
183. Look, come on.
Now, that's not true.Copy !req
184. I always tell everybody about you.Copy !req
185. I tell everybody to go see his show!Copy !req
186. I mean, I'm your biggest fan.Copy !req
187. - I know, I know.
- I mean, you're my best friend.Copy !req
188. Best friend? I've never been
to your apartment.Copy !req
189. I cannot believe that this
is happening! I can't believe it.Copy !req
190. Okay, okay, forget it.
It's okay. I didn't mean it.Copy !req
191. - Didn't mean what?
- What I said.Copy !req
192. - I've been under a lot of stress.
- Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.Copy !req
193. Look, just... Can we just forget
the whole thing ever happened?Copy !req
194. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
I took it out on you.Copy !req
195. We're still friends.
We're still friends. Still friends.Copy !req
196. Okay, look. I tell you what.
I got Knick tickets. This Wednesday.Copy !req
197. Great seats behind the bench.
You want to come with me?Copy !req
198. Come on.Copy !req
199. Tonight?Copy !req
200. No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight,
I would've said tonight.Copy !req
201. You really want me to go?Copy !req
202. Yes.Copy !req
203. - Okay.
- Here, take these.Copy !req
204. Okay. Great. That would be...Copy !req
205. That'd be great. So...Copy !req
206. next Wednesday.
- Next Wednesday.Copy !req
207. Say, where is that waitress? Hey!Copy !req
208. She calls me up at the office.
She says, "We have to talk."Copy !req
209. The four worst words
in the English language.Copy !req
210. That or, "Whose bra is this?"Copy !req
211. That is worse.Copy !req
212. So we order lunch,
and we're talking.Copy !req
213. Finally, she blurts out
how it's not working.Copy !req
214. Really.Copy !req
215. So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this,
I'm thinking, "Great.Copy !req
216. The relationship's over,
but the egg salad's on the way."Copy !req
217. So now I have a decision.
Do I walk or do I eat?Copy !req
218. You ate.Copy !req
219. Sat there for 20 minutes, chewing.Copy !req
220. Staring at each other
in a defunct relationship.Copy !req
221. Someone says,
"Get out of my life."Copy !req
222. And that doesn't affect
your appetite?Copy !req
223. Have you ever had
their egg salad?Copy !req
224. - It is unbelievable.
- It's unbelievable.Copy !req
225. Tell you what else is unbelievable.
I picked up the check.Copy !req
226. She didn't even offer.
She ended it.Copy !req
227. The least she could do is
send me off with a sandwich.Copy !req
228. How much could you
possibly have in there?Copy !req
229. Look, it's my money.Copy !req
230. All right? What should I do,
throw it out the window?Copy !req
231. I know a guy who took
his vacation on his change.Copy !req
232. Yeah? Where'd he go?
To an arcade?Copy !req
233. That's funny. You're a funny guy.Copy !req
234. Come on, move up.Copy !req
235. Great. Ewing's hurt.Copy !req
236. How long is he gonna be out?Copy !req
237. Well, a couple days
at the most, but...Copy !req
238. - Oh, God.
- I got scared there for a second.Copy !req
239. The Knicks without Ewing.Copy !req
240. Listen, George.
A little problem with the game.Copy !req
241. - What about it?
- The thing is, yesterday...Copy !req
242. I kind of...Copy !req
243. - What?
- I gave your ticket to Horneck.Copy !req
244. - You what?
- Yeah.Copy !req
245. I'm sorry.
I had to give it to Horneck.Copy !req
246. No.Copy !req
247. My ticket?Copy !req
248. - You gave my ticket to Horneck?
- Come on. Go ahead. Move up.Copy !req
249. What did you give him
my ticket for?Copy !req
250. You didn't see him.
It was horrible.Copy !req
251. Oh, come on, Jerry.
I can't believe this!Copy !req
252. - I had to do it.
- Oh, please.Copy !req
253. Can you change this into bills?Copy !req
254. I'm sorry, sir, we can't do that.Copy !req
255. Do you want to go with him?Copy !req
256. - You go, I don't mind.
- I'm not going with him!Copy !req
257. I don't even know the guy!Copy !req
258. Look, they did this for me before.Copy !req
259. Look, I can give you these,
and you can roll them yourself.Copy !req
260. You want me to roll 6000 of these?Copy !req
261. What, should I quit my job?Copy !req
262. No, I do not like the bank.
I've heard the expression:Copy !req
263. "Laughing all the way to the bank."
I've never seen anyone actually do it.Copy !req
264. And those bank lines.Copy !req
265. I hate it when there's
nobody on the line at all.Copy !req
266. You now that part?
You go to the bank, it's empty...Copy !req
267. and you still have to go
through the little maze.Copy !req
268. "Could you get some cheese for me?
I'm almost at the front.Copy !req
269. I'd like a reward for this, please."Copy !req
270. - Thirty-two, 33...
- George.Copy !req
271. Not now, 33...Copy !req
272. - Thirty...
- Could you stop the counting?Copy !req
273. - What?
- Can I make it up to you?Copy !req
274. I'll give you $50 for the jug.Copy !req
275. Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.Copy !req
276. Well, then I'm not gonna go
to the game either.Copy !req
277. Okay, I'll give him both tickets.Copy !req
278. Go. Go!Copy !req
279. l... No, I don't want to go.Copy !req
280. - He was really crying?
- I had to give him a tissue.Copy !req
281. In fact, let me call his machine now,
and I'll make up some excuse...Copy !req
282. why I can't go to the game either.Copy !req
283. Wait. Wait a minute. As long
as you're gonna lie to the guy...Copy !req
284. why don't you tell him that you lost
both of the tickets. Then we can go.Copy !req
285. George, the man wept.Copy !req
286. Hey, guys.Copy !req
287. Man, I'm telling you, this pizza idea
is really gonna happen.Copy !req
288. This is the thing where you go and
you have to make your own pizza?Copy !req
289. We give you the dough.Copy !req
290. You smash it. You pound it.
You fling it up in the air.Copy !req
291. And then you get to put your sauce
and sprinkle your cheese.Copy !req
292. And then,
you slide it into the oven.Copy !req
293. You have to know how to do that.Copy !req
294. You can't have people shoving
their arms into a 600-degree oven!Copy !req
295. - It's all supervised.
- Oh, well...Copy !req
296. All of it!Copy !req
297. - You want to invest?
- My money's tied up in change.Copy !req
298. You know, look. I'm telling you.Copy !req
299. People, they really want to make
their own pizza pie.Copy !req
300. I have to say something,
with all due respect.Copy !req
301. I just never...
I can't imagine anyone...Copy !req
302. in any walk of life,
under any circumstance...Copy !req
303. wanting to make
their own pizza pie.Copy !req
304. - But that's me.
- Well, okay.Copy !req
305. - That's you.
- I'm just saying.Copy !req
306. I just wanted to check with you guys.
This business is going to be big.Copy !req
307. I just want to... Okay.Copy !req
308. One day, you'll beg me
to make your own pie.Copy !req
309. Hi, Joel. This is Jerry.
I hope you get this before you...Copy !req
310. Oh, hi, Joel. Oh, you just came in.Copy !req
311. Listen, I can't make it
to the game tonight.Copy !req
312. I have to tutor my nephew.Copy !req
313. Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow.Copy !req
314. Geometry.Copy !req
315. You know, trapezoid, rhombus.Copy !req
316. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets.
They're at the will-call window.Copy !req
317. And I'm really sorry. Have a good time.
We'll talk next week, okay? Yeah.Copy !req
318. Yeah. I don't... Fine.Copy !req
319. Fine, bye.Copy !req
320. "Trapezoid"?Copy !req
321. I know. I'm really running out
of excuses with this guy.Copy !req
322. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.Copy !req
323. Come on. Let's go do something.
I don't want to just sit around here.Copy !req
324. - Wanna get something to eat?
- Where?Copy !req
325. I don't care. I'm not hungry.Copy !req
326. We could go to one of those
cappuccino places.Copy !req
327. They let you just sit there.Copy !req
328. What are we gonna do there, talk?Copy !req
329. We can talk.Copy !req
330. I'll go if I don't have to talk.Copy !req
331. Then we'll just sit there.Copy !req
332. Okay, I'm gonna check
my machine first.Copy !req
333. "Picking someone up
at airport, jury duty...Copy !req
334. waiting for cable company."
- Okay, just hand that over, please.Copy !req
335. - What is this?
- It's a list of excuses.Copy !req
336. It's for that guy Horneck, who's
at the game tonight with my tickets.Copy !req
337. I have that list now, so in case
he calls, I just consult it...Copy !req
338. and I don't have to see him.Copy !req
339. - God.
- I need it.Copy !req
340. - What are you doing?
- I got some for you.Copy !req
341. - Oh, I don't need any more.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
342. These are good. Listen, listen.Copy !req
343. "You ran out of underwear,
you can't leave the house."Copy !req
344. Very funny.Copy !req
345. How about you've been diagnosed...Copy !req
346. as a multiple personality?
You're not even you.Copy !req
347. You're Dan.Copy !req
348. I'm Dan.Copy !req
349. - Can I have my list back, please?
- Here. Here.Copy !req
350. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot
believe you are doing this.Copy !req
351. This is absolutely infantile.Copy !req
352. - What can I do?
- Deal with it. Be a man.Copy !req
353. Oh, no.Copy !req
354. That's impossible. I'd rather
lie to him the rest of my life...Copy !req
355. than go through that again.Copy !req
356. He was crying.Copy !req
357. Tears, accompanied by mucus.Copy !req
358. You made a man cry?Copy !req
359. I never made a man cry.Copy !req
360. I even kicked a guy in the groin once,
and he didn't cry.Copy !req
361. I got the cab.Copy !req
362. A couple of tough monkeys.Copy !req
363. Hi, Elaine.Copy !req
364. Hey, you missed
a great game tonight.Copy !req
365. - Game?
- Knick game.Copy !req
366. Horneck took me. We're sitting
two rows behind the bench.Copy !req
367. We were getting hit by sweat!Copy !req
368. Wait. How does Horneck know you?Copy !req
369. Last week, when I, you know,
gave you the phone.Copy !req
370. He's really into my pizza place idea.Copy !req
371. - This is too much.
- Wait. What pizza place idea?Copy !req
372. Oh, no.Copy !req
373. You get to make your own pie.Copy !req
374. That sounds like a great idea.
It would be fun.Copy !req
375. - Kramer!
- Yeah!Copy !req
376. Perfect.Copy !req
377. Hey!Copy !req
378. Okay, who wants meat loaf?Copy !req
379. - No, thanks.
- No, no.Copy !req
380. It's gonna be hot in a minute.Copy !req
381. So I thought you were
tutoring your nephew.Copy !req
382. - We finished early.
- I'll bet.Copy !req
383. So are you going to introduce me
to your nephew?Copy !req
384. Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.Copy !req
385. Whoa, Nelson.Copy !req
386. This is Elaine.Copy !req
387. - I thought you guys split up.
- We're still friends.Copy !req
388. So...Copy !req
389. Thanks again for those tickets,
But next week, I'm gonna take you.Copy !req
390. How about next Tuesday night?
Why don't you come along.Copy !req
391. Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good
because we've got choir practice.Copy !req
392. Right.Copy !req
393. - Forgot about choir.
- Yeah.Copy !req
394. We're... We're doing that evening...Copy !req
395. of Eastern European
national anthems.Copy !req
396. Right. You know...Copy !req
397. the wall being down and everything.Copy !req
398. Well, what about Thursday night?
I mean, they're playing the Sonics.Copy !req
399. Thursday is not good because
we've gotta get to the hospital...Copy !req
400. to see if we qualify
as those organ donors.Copy !req
401. I should really try
something like that.Copy !req
402. You really should.Copy !req
403. Well, let's just take a look here.Copy !req
404. Forty-one home games.Copy !req
405. Let's see, Saturday night
we got the Mavericks.Copy !req
406. If you don't like the Mavericks,
next Tuesday, Lakers.Copy !req
407. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right?Copy !req
408. Now, let's see. On the road,
on the road, on the road...Copy !req
409. Back, back on the 14th.Copy !req
410. They play the Bulls.
You can't miss Air Jordan...Copy !req
411. I've come to the conclusion that there
are certain friends in your life...Copy !req
412. that they're just always your friends,
and you have to accept it.Copy !req
413. You see them. You don't want
to see them. You don't call them.Copy !req
414. They call you.Copy !req
415. You don't call back,
they call again.Copy !req
416. The way to get through talking
with people...Copy !req
417. you have nothing in common with...Copy !req
418. is to pretend you're hosting
your own little talk show.Copy !req
419. This is what I do. Pretend there's
a little desk around you.Copy !req
420. There's a little chair over there,
and you interview them.Copy !req
421. The only problem is,
there's no way to say:Copy !req
422. "Hey, it's been great having
you on the show.Copy !req
423. We're out of time."Copy !req