1. Do you know what this is all about?
Know why we're here?Copy !req
2. To be out. This is out.Copy !req
3. Out is one of the single most
enjoyable experiences of life.Copy !req
4. Know how people talk about
"We should go out"?Copy !req
5. This is what they're talking about.Copy !req
6. This whole thing. We're all out now.Copy !req
7. No one is home.Copy !req
8. Not one person here is home.
We're all out.Copy !req
9. There are people trying to find us.
They don't know where we are.Copy !req
10. "Did you re...? I can't find him.
Where did he go?Copy !req
11. He didn't tell me where he was going.
He must have gone out."Copy !req
12. You wanna go out. You get ready,
you pick out the clothes, right?Copy !req
13. You take the shower, get all ready...Copy !req
14. get the cash, get your friends,
the car, the spot, the reservation.Copy !req
15. Then you stand around.
What do you do?Copy !req
16. You go, "We gotta be getting back."Copy !req
17. Once you're out,
you wanna get back.Copy !req
18. You wanna go to sleep, you wanna
get up, wanna go out again tomorrow.Copy !req
19. Wherever you are in life...Copy !req
20. it's my feeling, you've gotta go.Copy !req
21. See, to me, that button's
in the worst possible spot.Copy !req
22. The second button literally
makes or breaks the shirt.Copy !req
23. Look at it. It's too high.Copy !req
24. It's in no man's land. You look like
you live with your mother.Copy !req
25. Are you through?Copy !req
26. You do, of course,
try on when you buy.Copy !req
27. Yes, it was purple. I liked it.Copy !req
28. I don't actually recall
considering the buttons.Copy !req
29. Oh, you don't recall.Copy !req
30. No, not at this time.Copy !req
31. Senator, I'd like to know what
you knew and when you knew it.Copy !req
32. Mr. Seinfeld, Mr. Costanza.Copy !req
33. Are you sure this is decaf?Copy !req
34. Where's the orange indicator?Copy !req
35. It's missing.
I have to do it in my head.Copy !req
36. Decaf left, regular right.Copy !req
37. Decaf left, regular right.Copy !req
38. It's very challenging work.Copy !req
39. Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee.Copy !req
40. - Claire's a professional waitress.
- Trust me, George.Copy !req
41. No one has any interest
in seeing you on caffeine.Copy !req
42. How come you're not doing
the second show tomorrow?Copy !req
43. Well, there's this woman
who might be coming in.Copy !req
44. Wait a second. Wait a second.Copy !req
45. What coming in?
What woman's coming in?Copy !req
46. I told you about Laura,
the girl I met in Michigan.Copy !req
47. - You didn't.
- I thought I told you about her.Copy !req
48. Yeah. She teaches political science...Copy !req
49. I met her the night I did
the show in Lansing.Copy !req
50. - There's no milk in here.
- Wait.Copy !req
51. What is she...
What is she like?Copy !req
52. Oh, she's really great.
She's got a real warmth about her.Copy !req
53. And she's really bright
and really pretty.Copy !req
54. And the conversation,
though, I mean, it was...Copy !req
55. Talking with her was like
talking with you...Copy !req
56. but, you know,
obviously much better.Copy !req
57. So, you know, what happened?Copy !req
58. Well, nothing happened.
But it was great.Copy !req
59. Nothing happened, but it was...
This is great.Copy !req
60. - Yeah.
- So, you know...Copy !req
61. she called and said
she wants to go out?Copy !req
62. God bless. You devil, you.Copy !req
63. Yeah. Well, not exactly.Copy !req
64. I mean, she said...
She called this morning and said...Copy !req
65. she had to come in for a seminar,
maybe we'd get together.Copy !req
66. "Had to"?Copy !req
67. - "Had to come in"?
- Yeah, but...Copy !req
68. - "Had to come in"?
- Yeah, but...Copy !req
69. "And maybe we'll get together"?Copy !req
70. "Had to" and "maybe"?Copy !req
71. - Yeah.
- No, no.Copy !req
72. I hate to tell you this.
You're not gonna see her.Copy !req
73. What? Are you serious?
Why did she call?Copy !req
74. What do I know?
Maybe she wanted to be polite.Copy !req
75. To be polite?Copy !req
76. - You are insane.
- All right.Copy !req
77. I didn't want to tell you.
Wanna know why she called?Copy !req
78. You're a backup.Copy !req
79. You're a second line,
a "just in case"...Copy !req
80. a B plan, a contingency.Copy !req
81. Oh, I get it. This is about the button.Copy !req
82. Claire. Claire, you're a woman, right?Copy !req
83. What gave it away, George?Copy !req
84. I'd like to ask you...Copy !req
85. Ask you to analyze a hypothetical
phone call, you know...Copy !req
86. - from a female point of view.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
87. What are you asking her?
Now, how's she gonna know?Copy !req
88. Now, a woman calls me, right?Copy !req
89. She says she has to...Copy !req
90. - come to New York on business...
- You're beautiful.Copy !req
91. And maybe...Copy !req
92. she'll see me when she gets in.Copy !req
93. Does this woman intend
to spend time with me?Copy !req
94. I'd have to say no.Copy !req
95. So why did she call?Copy !req
96. - Be polite.
- To be polite.Copy !req
97. - I rest my case.
- Good, good. Did you have fun?Copy !req
98. You have no idea what you're
talking about. Come with me.Copy !req
99. I gotta go get my stuff
out of the dryer.Copy !req
100. - I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
- Oh, come on. Be a "come-with" guy.Copy !req
101. Come on. I'm tired.Copy !req
102. Don't worry.
I gave him a little caffeine.Copy !req
103. - He'll perk up.
- Right. I knew I felt something.Copy !req
104. Jerry, I have to tell you something.Copy !req
105. This is the dullest moment
I've ever experienced.Copy !req
106. Oh, look at this guy.Copy !req
107. Look, he's got everything.
He's got detergents, sprays...Copy !req
108. fabric softener.
This is not his first load.Copy !req
109. I need a break, Jerry.
I gotta get out of the city.Copy !req
110. - I feel so cramped...
- You didn't hear how she sounded.Copy !req
111. - What?
- Laura.Copy !req
112. I can't believe...
We already discussed this.Copy !req
113. Yeah, but how could you
be so sure?Copy !req
114. Because it's signals, Jerry.
It's signals. Don't you...?Copy !req
115. All right. Did she even ask you what
you were doing tomorrow night...Copy !req
116. - if you were busy?
- No.Copy !req
117. She calls you today,
she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow?Copy !req
118. - What is that? It's Saturday night.
- Yeah.Copy !req
119. What is that? It's ridiculous.Copy !req
120. You don't even know
what hotel she's staying at.Copy !req
121. You can't call her.
That's a signal, Jerry.Copy !req
122. That's a signal. Signal.Copy !req
123. - Maybe you're right.
- Maybe I'm right?Copy !req
124. Of course I'm right.Copy !req
125. This is insane.Copy !req
126. You know, I don't even know
where she's staying.Copy !req
127. She's not gonna call me.Copy !req
128. - This is unbelievable.
- I know, I know. It's tough.Copy !req
129. listen, your stuff
has to be done by now.Copy !req
130. Why don't you just see if it's dry.Copy !req
131. No, no, no.
Don't interrupt the cycle.Copy !req
132. The machine is working. It knows
what it's doing. Just let it finish.Copy !req
133. - You're gonna overdry it.
- You can't overdry.Copy !req
134. - Why not?
- Same reason you can't overwet.Copy !req
135. You see, once something
is wet, it's wet.Copy !req
136. Same thing with death.Copy !req
137. Like, once you die,
you're dead. Right?Copy !req
138. Let's say you drop dead
and I shoot you.Copy !req
139. You're not gonna die again.
You're already dead.Copy !req
140. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".Copy !req
141. Any questions?Copy !req
142. How could she not tell me
where she was staying?Copy !req
143. Look at that. They're done.
Look at that.Copy !req
144. Laundry day is the only
exciting day...Copy !req
145. in the life of clothes.Copy !req
146. It is. No, think about it.
The washing machine...Copy !req
147. is the nightclub of clothes.Copy !req
148. You know, it's dark,
there's bubbles happening...Copy !req
149. they're all kind of
dancing around in there.Copy !req
150. A shirt grabs the underwear.
"Come on, babe. Let's go."Copy !req
151. You come by, open up the lid
and they all...Copy !req
152. Socks are the most
amazing article of clothing.Copy !req
153. They hate their lives.
They're with stinky feet...Copy !req
154. the boring drawers.Copy !req
155. The dryer is their only chance
to escape and they all know it.Copy !req
156. They do escape from the dryer.
They plan it in the hamper...Copy !req
157. the night before.
"Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going.Copy !req
158. You wait here."Copy !req
159. The dryer door swings open, the sock
is waiting up against the side wall.Copy !req
160. He hopes you don't see him,
then he goes down the road.Copy !req
161. They get buttons sewn on their face,
join a puppet show.Copy !req
162. So they're showing me
on television...Copy !req
163. the detergents
getting out bloodstains.Copy !req
164. Is this a violent image to anybody?
Bloodstains?Copy !req
165. Come on. You got a T-shirt
with bloodstains all over it...Copy !req
166. maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem right now.Copy !req
167. Maybe you ought to get the harpoon
out of your chest first.Copy !req
168. If you know what happened in the Met
game, don't tell me. I taped it. Hello.Copy !req
169. Yeah. No, I'm sorry.
You have the wrong number.Copy !req
170. Yeah. No...Copy !req
171. - Yeah.
- You up?Copy !req
172. Yeah.Copy !req
173. People do move.Copy !req
174. Have you ever seen the big trucks
out on the street?Copy !req
175. Yeah, no problem.Copy !req
176. - Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
- Oh, what are you doing?Copy !req
177. Kessler, it's a tape.
I taped the game.Copy !req
178. It's 1:00 in the morning.Copy !req
179. I avoided human contact
all night to watch this.Copy !req
180. Hey, I'm sorry.
You know, I thought you knew.Copy !req
181. You got any meat?Copy !req
182. Meat?Copy !req
183. I don't know. Go hunt.Copy !req
184. Well, what happened in the game,
anyway?Copy !req
185. What happened?Copy !req
186. Well, they stunk!
That's what happened.Copy !req
187. You know I almost wound up
going to that game?Copy !req
188. You almost went to the game. You
haven't left the building in 10 years.Copy !req
189. Yeah.Copy !req
190. - You done with this?
- No.Copy !req
191. - When you're done, let me know.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
192. You can have it tomorrow.Copy !req
193. I thought I wasn't allowed
to be in here this weekend.Copy !req
194. No, it's okay now.
That girl's not coming.Copy !req
195. I misread the whole thing.Copy !req
196. You want me to talk to her?Copy !req
197. I don't think so.Copy !req
198. No, I can be very persuasive.Copy !req
199. You know that I was
almost a lawyer?Copy !req
200. That close, huh?Copy !req
201. You better believe it.Copy !req
202. Hello.Copy !req
203. Oh, hi, Laura.Copy !req
204. - Oh, give me it. Let me talk.
- No. What's up?Copy !req
205. - Well, let me talk to her.
- I'm always up at this hour.Copy !req
206. How are you? Great.Copy !req
207. Sure.Copy !req
208. What time does the plane get in?Copy !req
209. - I'll get my friend George to take me.
- Now slide!Copy !req
210. Out. Do you believe that?Copy !req
211. It's just my neighbor.Copy !req
212. Yeah, I got it. 10:15.Copy !req
213. No, don't be silly.
Go ahead and ask.Copy !req
214. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
215. Okay, great. No, no.
It's no trouble at all.Copy !req
216. I'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
217. Great. Bye.Copy !req
218. I don't believe it.Copy !req
219. That was her.
She wants to stay here.Copy !req
220. If my father moved this,
he'd have a cigarette...Copy !req
221. in his mouth the whole way.
"Have you got your end?Copy !req
222. Your end's got to come down first.
Easy, now. Drop it down.Copy !req
223. Drop it down.
Your end's gotta come down."Copy !req
224. You know, I can't believe you're
bringing in an extra bed...Copy !req
225. for a woman that wants
to sleep with you.Copy !req
226. Why don't you bring in
an extra guy too.Copy !req
227. Look, it's a very awkward situation.Copy !req
228. - I don't wanna be presumptuous.
- All right.Copy !req
229. One more time. One more time.Copy !req
230. What was the exact phrasing
of the request?Copy !req
231. All right. She said she couldn't
find a decent hotel room.Copy !req
232. - A decent hotel room.
- Yeah, a decent hotel room.Copy !req
233. Would it be terribly inconvenient
if she stayed at my place?Copy !req
234. You can't be serious.Copy !req
235. This is New York City. There must
be 11 million decent hotel rooms.Copy !req
236. What do you need, a flag?Copy !req
237. This is the signal, Jerry.Copy !req
238. - This is the signal.
- This is the signal.Copy !req
239. Thank you, Mr. Signal.
Where were you yesterday?Copy !req
240. I think I was affected
by the caffeine.Copy !req
241. Good dog. Good dog. All right.Copy !req
242. Hey, he really likes you, George.Copy !req
243. Well, that's flattering.Copy !req
244. He's getting a drink of water.Copy !req
245. - Is this for that girl?
- Yeah.Copy !req
246. - Why even give her an option?
- This is a person I like.Copy !req
247. It's not how to score
on spring break.Copy !req
248. Can we go? I'm double-parked.
I'm gonna get a ticket.Copy !req
249. Yeah, okay. Wait a second.
I forgot to clean the bathroom.Copy !req
250. So what? That's good.Copy !req
251. - How could that be good?
- Because filth is good.Copy !req
252. What do you think, rock stars
have sponges and ammonia...Copy !req
253. lying around the bathroom?Copy !req
254. You think they have a woman
coming over, "l gotta tidy up"?Copy !req
255. In these matters, you never do
what instincts tell you.Copy !req
256. Always, always do the opposite.Copy !req
257. - This is how you operate?
- Yeah, I wish.Copy !req
258. - Let me just wipe the sink.
- Why even give her an option for?Copy !req
259. - It's unbelievable.
- Yeah.Copy !req
260. How's the real estate business?Copy !req
261. It's not bad. It's coming along.Copy !req
262. Why, did you need something?Copy !req
263. You handle any of that commercial...Copy !req
264. real estate that...?Copy !req
265. Well, I might be getting into that.Copy !req
266. - You keep me posted.
- I'm aware of you. All right, let's go.Copy !req
267. Let's go. You're on-stage
in 25 minutes.Copy !req
268. The dating world is not a fun world.Copy !req
269. It's a pressure world.Copy !req
270. It's a world of tension,
it's a world of pain.Copy !req
271. If a woman comes over to my house,
I gotta get that bathroom ready...Copy !req
272. because she needs things.
I don't know what.Copy !req
273. I know I don't have it, I know that.Copy !req
274. You know what they need?
Women need cotton balls.Copy !req
275. This is one... Always been one of
the most amazing things to me.Copy !req
276. I have no cotton balls.
We're all human beings.Copy !req
277. What is the story?
I've never had one...Copy !req
278. I never bought one,
I never needed one.Copy !req
279. I've never been in a situation
where I thought to myself:Copy !req
280. "l could use a cotton ball right now.Copy !req
281. I could certainly
get out of this mess."Copy !req
282. Women need them.
And they don't need one or two.Copy !req
283. They need thousands of them.
They need bags.Copy !req
284. They're like peat moss bags.
Have you ever seen these giant bags?Copy !req
285. They're huge...Copy !req
286. and two days later, they're out.
They're gone. The bag is empty.Copy !req
287. Where are the cotton balls, ladies?
What are you doing with them?Copy !req
288. The only time I ever see them
is in the bottom of wastebaskets.Copy !req
289. Two or three look like they've been
through some horrible experience.Copy !req
290. Tortured, interrogated,
I don't know what happened to them.Copy !req
291. I once went out with a girl, she left
a little bag of cotton balls at my house.Copy !req
292. I didn't know what to do. I put them
on the floor like little tumbleweeds.Copy !req
293. I thought cockroaches
would see it...Copy !req
294. figure, "This is a dead town.
Let's move on."Copy !req
295. The dating world
is a world of pressure.Copy !req
296. Let's face it, a date is a job interview
that lasts all night.Copy !req
297. The difference between
a date and job interview is...Copy !req
298. not many interviews is there a
chance you'll end up naked at the end.Copy !req
299. You know, "Bill, the boss thinks
you're the man for the position...Copy !req
300. strip down and meet the people
you'll be working with."Copy !req
301. Wouldn't it be great if you could ask
a woman what she's thinking?Copy !req
302. What a world it would be if you could
just ask a woman what she's thinking.Copy !req
303. You know, instead I'm like a detective.
I gotta pick up clues.Copy !req
304. The whole thing's
a murder investigation.Copy !req
305. Listen, don't get worked up.
You're gonna know the whole story...Copy !req
306. - the minute she steps off.
- Really, how?Copy !req
307. It's all in the greeting. All right.Copy !req
308. If she puts the bags down before
she greets you, that's a good sign.Copy !req
309. - Anything in the lip area is good.
- Lip area.Copy !req
310. - A hug, definitely good.
- Hug is definitely good.Copy !req
311. What if it's one of those hugs
where the shoulders touch...Copy !req
312. - the hips are eight feet apart?
- Brutal.Copy !req
313. - You know how they do that?
- Also, a shake is bad.Copy !req
314. Shake is bad. But what if
it's the two-hander?Copy !req
315. Hand on bottom, hand on top.
The warm look in the eyes.Copy !req
316. - Hand sandwich?
- Right.Copy !req
317. It's open to interpretation.
So much depends on the layering...Copy !req
318. the quality of the wetness
in the eyes...Copy !req
319. - Guess who.
- Hey, hey. He...Copy !req
320. - Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.Copy !req
321. - It's good to see you.
- Hi.Copy !req
322. - This is my friend George.
- Oh, hi.Copy !req
323. - How are you?
- This is Laura.Copy !req
324. - Sure, Laura, sure.
- I can't believe you're here.Copy !req
325. - Get the bags.
- Yeah, sure, the bags.Copy !req
326. - Here, Laura. I'm sorry.
- Oh, thank you.Copy !req
327. That was an interesting greeting.
Notice that, George?Copy !req
328. Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting.Copy !req
329. That wasn't in the manual.Copy !req
330. So...Copy !req
331. what do you think?Copy !req
332. This place isn't so bad.Copy !req
333. Yeah, it kind of motivates me
to work on the road.Copy !req
334. So make yourself at home.Copy !req
335. So can I get you anything?Copy !req
336. Bread, water...Copy !req
337. salad dressing?Copy !req
338. Actually, do you have any wine?Copy !req
339. Yeah, I think I do.Copy !req
340. Do you mind if I turn this down?Copy !req
341. No. Yeah, go...
Go right ahead. Yeah.Copy !req
342. Jerry, I was wondering...Copy !req
343. would it be possible,
and if it's not, fine...Copy !req
344. for me to stay here
tomorrow night too?Copy !req
345. Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why don't you stay.Copy !req
346. Yeah.Copy !req
347. What is your schedule
for tomorrow?Copy !req
348. Are you doing anything?Copy !req
349. No, I'd love to do something.Copy !req
350. I have my seminar in the morning,
but after I'm wide open.Copy !req
351. Really? What would you like to do?Copy !req
352. Well...Copy !req
353. I know this sounds touristy,
but I'd love to go on one of those...Copy !req
354. five-hour boat rides
around Manhattan.Copy !req
355. Yeah, we could do that.Copy !req
356. Why not? Why not?Copy !req
357. I'm just... I'm really glad you're here.Copy !req
358. Hello.Copy !req
359. Yes.Copy !req
360. Yes, she is. Hold on.Copy !req
361. It's for you.Copy !req
362. Hello?Copy !req
363. Hi.Copy !req
364. No, no. It was great, right on time.Copy !req
365. No, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow.Copy !req
366. Yes. Yes, it's fine.Copy !req
367. No, we're going on a boat ride.Copy !req
368. Don't be silly.Copy !req
369. I'm not gonna have
this conversation.Copy !req
370. Look, I'll call you tomorrow.Copy !req
371. Okay. Bye.Copy !req
372. Never get engaged.Copy !req
373. You're engaged?Copy !req
374. You know, you really have no idea
what it's like until you do it.Copy !req
375. I'm on this emotional roller coaster.Copy !req
376. You're engaged?Copy !req
377. You know, I can't believe it
myself sometimes.Copy !req
378. You have to start thinking
in terms of "we."Copy !req
379. - It's a very stressful situation.
- You're engaged.Copy !req
380. - Yeah, he's a great guy.
- Yeah.Copy !req
381. You'd really like him.Copy !req
382. - I can't wait to get on that boat.
- Me too.Copy !req
383. I swear, I have absolutely no idea
what women are thinking.Copy !req
384. I don't get it, okay?
I admit, I'm not getting the signals.Copy !req
385. I am not getting it.Copy !req
386. Women, they're so subtle. Their little...
Everything they do is subtle.Copy !req
387. Men are not subtle. We are obvious.Copy !req
388. Women know what men want,
men know what men want.Copy !req
389. What do we want?
We want women. That's it.Copy !req
390. It's the only thing we know for sure.
It really is.Copy !req
391. We want women.
How do we get them?Copy !req
392. We don't know about that.
We don't know.Copy !req
393. The next step after that,
we have no idea.Copy !req
394. This is why you see men honking car
horns, yelling from construction sites.Copy !req
395. These are the best ideas
we've had so far.Copy !req
396. The car horn honk.
Is that the beauty?Copy !req
397. Have you seen men doing this?Copy !req
398. What is this? The man is in the car.Copy !req
399. The woman walks by
the front of the car.Copy !req
400. He honks the...Copy !req
401. This man is out of ideas.Copy !req
402. How does the...?Copy !req
403. I don't think she likes me.Copy !req
404. The amazing thing is that we still
get women, don't we?Copy !req
405. I mean, men are with women.Copy !req
406. You see men with women.Copy !req
407. How are men getting women?
Many people wonder.Copy !req
408. Let me tell you a little bit
about our organization.Copy !req
409. Wherever women are, we have a man
working on the situation right now.Copy !req
410. Now, he may not be our best man...Copy !req
411. okay, we have a lot of areas
to cover...Copy !req
412. but someone from our staff
is on the scene.Copy !req
413. That's why men get frustrated...Copy !req
414. when we see women
reading articles...Copy !req
415. like "Where to Meet Men."Copy !req
416. We're here. We are everywhere.Copy !req
417. We're honking our horns
to serve you better.Copy !req