Sealab 2021 2x11

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Capt. Murphy's attempts at a happy Alvistide go awry thanks to non-Alvian crew members, an uncooperative electrician, and Alvis himself "crapping the buffet".

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Captain Murphy: ON A FROSTY WINTER'S NIGHT,

2. A WAGON APPEARED AT THE GATES OF FORT KLUGMAN,

3. CARRYING PIONEERS TO THE FRONTIER.

4. A YOUNG WOMAN IN THE PARTY CALLED DELIA

5. WAS HEAVY WITH CHILD.

6. AND THOUGH SHE HAD JOURNEYED WITH THE VIRILE YOUNG MEN

7. FOR NIGH ON ONE YEAR,

8. NONE HAD LAIN WITH HER,

9. THOUGH SHE WAS COMELY.

10. AND ON THIS FROSTY WINTER'S NIGHT,

11. YOUNG DELIA'S WATER BROKE,

12. ALMOST FREEZING HER TO THE SEAT OF THE WAGON,

13. AND THE PIONEERS BESEECHED THE SOLDIERS TO GRANT THEM ENTRANCE

14. SO THAT SHE COULD GIVE BIRTH TO HER CHILD IN THE HOSPITAL THERE.

15. BUT DUE TO AN OUTBREAK OF SYPHILIS AMONG THE SOLDIERS,

16. THE HOSPITAL WAS FULL.

17. AND SO THERE IN THE STABLE,

18. AMONG THE FEED AND TACK AND THE—THE WHATSIS,

19. DELIA GAVE BIRTH TO A SON WHOM SHE CALLED ALVIS,

20. AS WAS HER WONT.

21. AND SINCE NONE OF THE MEN IN THE PARTY WERE THE FATHER,

22. IT WAS DECIDED AMONG THEM THAT THE BIRTH OF THIS CHILD

23. MUST TRULY BE A MIRACLE.

24. AND IT WAS SO, FOR ABOVE THE FORT,

25. THERE SUDDENLY AND MIRACULOUSLY APPEARED

26. AN AWESOME AND MIGHTY COMET.

27. AND SO BRILLIANT WAS ITS LIGHT

28. THAT THERE CAME FROM ALL THE TRIBES

29. WHICH THE SOLDIERS HAD NOT YET DECIMATED, SHAMANS.

30. AND THEY RODE UPON BUFFALO AS WAS THEIR HEATHEN CUSTOM,

31. BEARING GIFTS—OFFERINGS OF WHISKEY AND FIREARMS.

32. AND WHEN THE SHAMANS SAW THE CHILD,

33. THEY WERE IN AWE,

34. FOR HE GLOWED AS IF BATHED IN A LIGHT

35. WHICH WAS TRULY NOT OF THIS WORLD, SO—

36. SO...

37. SO, DOES LITTLE... CODY.

38. DOES CODY GLOW BY HIMSELF?

39. NO.

40. RIGHT. SO PLOP HIM IN THERE.

41. I WANT TO FIRE UP THOSE HALOGENS.

42. THAT'S DANGEROUS. LIGHT BULBS ARE WAY TOO HOT!

43. WOMAN, THE SWADDLING CLOTHES ARE ASBESTOS!

44. NOW WRAP HIM UP. ASBESTOS!

45. YEAH, AND HIS PISTOL'S JUST A LITTLE.22. COULDN'T HURT A FLEA.

46. WHAT DID I JUST THIS SECOND TELL YOU?

47. Captain Murphy: OH, COME ON, YOU IDIOTS!

48. LOOK, THEM BREAKERS AIN'T RATED FOR THIS.

49. WELL, CRAM A PENNY IN THERE.

50. A PENNY WILL START A FIRE.

51. LOOK, SHAMANS WOULDN'T RIDE BUFFALOES A JILLION MILES

52. TO SEE THAT LITTLE PIECE OF CRAP COMET.

53. A PENNY WILL START A FIRE.

54. WOULD YOU RIDE YOUR BUFFALO A JILLION MILES

55. TO SEE THAT PIECE OF CRAP COMET?

56. OW.

57. OW.

58. MY BUFFALO'S MEAN.

59. BRIGHTER! I WANT THESE JERKS QUAKING AT THE SIGHT

60. JUST LIKE, UH, IN THE BOOK OF ALVIS.

61. A PENNY WILL START A FIRE.

62. OW.

63. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BUFFALOES?

64. OW!

65. I KNOW ENOUGH NOT TO FOOL WITH 'EM.

66. WELL, PUT SOME ASS BAGS ON 'EM, LIKE IN A PARADE.

67. AND FIRE UP THAT SOUND SYSTEM.

68. I WANT TO HEAR SOME FREAKIN' POMP!

69. SIR, WHAT'S THE DEAL ON THIS FLIER?

70. Captain Murphy: YEAH! IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!

71. WE GOT THE GUNS, THE LIQUOR, THE HAM.

72. JUST WAITING ON THE AMMO,

73. BECAUSE I REALLY WANT US TO REALLY REMEMBER

74. WHAT THE FEAST OF ALVIS WAS REALLY ALL ABOUT,

75. 'CAUSE IT ALWAYS GETS SO DAMN—

76. AHEM—COMMERCIALIZED.

77. OK, BUT WE NEVER DO A BIG ALVISTIME THING...

78. BECAUSE IT'S OFFENSIVE TO NON-ALVIANS.

79. NON-ALVIANS? WHO THE HELL'S NON-ALVIAN?

80. ONLY ABOUT A THIRD OF THE CREW IS ALVIAN, SIR.

81. COME ON, NOW. THAT'S JUST CRAP, RIGHT?

82. ABOUT 20% ARE SHEIKRA, 15% ARE MANDU...

83. 6% HEMPISH, 2% KREBISH, AND, UM—

84. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

85. THE KREBS ALREADY HAD THEIR ALVISTIME.

86. THE 9 NIGHTS OF KREBULA?

87. YEAH. NOBODY BUSTED THEIR CHOPS.

88. BECAUSE RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE IS A MAINSTAY

89. OF THE SEALAB CHARTER.

90. AND WE HAD A SPECIAL MENU FOR A WHOLE MONTH

91. FOR THE SHEIKRAS' LITTLE DEALY.

92. UH, DO YOU MEAN SHEIKRADAN?

93. WHATEVER.

94. THE SHEIKRAS FAST DURING SHEIKRADAN.

95. YEAH, AND WE HAD TONS OF LEFTOVERS.

96. LOOK, I'M AN ALVIAN,

97. MAYBE NOT THE BEST ONE EVER,

98. MAYBE NOT EVEN FIFTH BEST, BUT I'M THE BOSS,

99. AND THIS YEAR, ALVIS IS IN THE HIZZY.

100. THE HIZZY?

101. MM-HMM.

102. WELL, YOUR LITTLE HAM-AND-LIQUOR HOOTENANNY ISN'T GONNA—

103. IT'S NOT A HOOTENANNY. IT'S AN EXTRAVAGANZA.

104. FULL OF POMP!

105. SHUT UP!

106. GET IN THERE! SHUT UP!

107. ARE YOU DRUNK?

108. SHUT UP!

109. SHUT YOUR DRUNK ASS UP!

110. SHUT UP!

111. COME ON. ALVIANS GET WASTED AT ALVISTIME.

112. SO QUIT OPPRESSING US.

113. SHUT UP!

114. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE ALVISTIME STUFF?

115. WE WERE JUST ASKING THE SAME THING.

116. NO, NO, NO. THIS IS TOTALLY OFFENSIVE.

117. WE WERE JUST SAYING THE SAME THING.

118. SHUT UP!

119. YOU SHUT UP, YOU.

120. YOU!

121. STOP CUSSING IN FRONT OF BABY ALVIS.

122. HE'S A MIRACULOUS MIRACLE INCARNATE.

123. HUH HUH! HA.

124. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

125. PARTING THE RIO GRANDE AND A MIRACLE BIRTH?

126. IT'S A FAIRY TALE.

127. WELL, HERE'S A— A NON-FAIRY TALE FOR YOU.

128. YOU'RE FIRED.

129. YOU CAN'T FIRE HIM BASED ON RELIGIOUS—

130. HOW CAN YOU WORSHIP THAT GUY?

131. HE KILLED A MAN!

132. HEY, ONLY FOR REVENGE.

133. "VENGEANCE IS MINE," QUOTH ALVIS.

134. THEN HE SHOT THAT GUY RIGHT IN THE FREAKIN' FACE.

135. HE WAS A DRUNK AND A CRIMINAL!

136. BLASPHEMER!

137. ALVIS WAS THE HOLIEST MAN EVER TO SLAP IRON.

138. HE KILLED FOR YOUR SINS.

139. MOST RELIGIONS THINK ALVIS' LOVE OF LIQUOR

140. AND GUNS AND REVENGE WAS...

141. CREEPY.

142. MAYBE MOST RELIGIONS CAN HASH IT OUT IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.

143. ALVIS WILL SMOKE THOSE BITCHES.

144. MALKANS DON'T BELIEVE IN HELL.

145. YOU'RE A WITCH?

146. MALKA'S NOT ABOUT WITCHCRAFT.

147. NAH, NO, NO.

148. YOU'RE FIRED. GET ON YOUR BROOM.

149. YOU CAN'T FIRE SOMEONE BASED ON RELIGIOUS—

150. DON'T LET MARCO CATCH YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

151. THONIKS FREAK OUT ABOUT WITCHES AND CRAP.

152. WHO YOU CALLING THONIK?

153. BACK ME UP HERE.

154. I'M SURROUNDED BY TREE-HUGGING ALVIS HATERS.

155. Dr. Quinn and Debbie: I DON'T HATE ALVIS.

156. WHO TOLD YOU I WAS THONIK?

157. YOU'RE A SPANIARD, SO I—

158. A SPANIARD?

159. OH, HELL.

160. NOW YOU DID IT.

161. A SPANIARD? HEY. HO. WHOA.

162. I'M NOT FROM SPAIN!

163. IN FACT, 85% OF SPANISH-SPEAKING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

164. ARE NOT FROM SPAIN!

165. LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO A BIG THING HERE.

166. AND ALL LATINOS AREN'T THONIK!

167. SHUT YOUR RIVER-STYX-LOVIN' ASS.

168. WELL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?

169. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

170. DID YOU JUST HEX ME, YOU BASTARD?

171. SHUT YOUR DAMN JIBBER JABBER! JIBBER JABBER...

172. COME HERE, STORMY!

173. I'LL BEAT YOUR STYX DRINKIN' ASS!

174. STOP THAT DAMN FIGHTING!

175. YOU'RE RUINING ALVISTIME FOR EVERYBODY!

176. SIR, THAT'S MY WHOLE POINT.

177. THE FEAST OF ALVIS ISN'T FOR EVERYBODY.

178. IT'S ONLY FOR A MINORITY OF PEOPLE.

179. THE LARGEST MINORITY, BUT A MINORITY ALL THE SAME.

180. SO WE FEEL IT'S WRONG TO FORCE YOUR BELIEFS ON THE NON-ALVIANS OF—

181. EGGNOG!

182. WHAT?

183. WHAT YOU SCROOGES NEED IS SOME EGGNOG.

184. PLENTY OF LIQUOR AND NUTMEG.

185. I'M AFRAID THIS IS ONE PROBLEM THAT LIQUOR ISN'T GOING TO FIX.

186. NO, NOT JUST LIQUOR. COME ON, IT'S GOT NUTMEG.

187. YOU KNOW, LIKE MALCOLM X GOT HIGH ON IN PRISON.

188. WELL, WHAT ARE THE KREBISH OR THE SHEIKRA CREW MEMBERS

189. SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN THEY ALL GO ON SHIFT UP HERE?

190. HANG AROUND WITH ALL THE SHAMANS AND BUFFALO AND—

191. LIKE A SHEIKRA'S NEVER SEEN A BUFFALO?

192. NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING RACIST.

193. AH, YEAH. I KNEW YOU'D PLAY THAT CARD.

194. AND WHAT CARD IS THAT?

195. YOU KNOW WHAT CARD IT IS.

196. NAH. SPELL IT OUT FOR ME!

197. I'LL SPELL THE HELL OUT OF IT FOR YOU!

198. CAPTAIN, STOP IT.

199. NOW, I WANT SOME DAMN ALVISTIME SPIRIT IN HERE,

200. AS IS BEFITTING ALVIS MY LORD!

201. YOUR LORD?

202. IT'S A BABY WITH A FREAKIN' GUN

203. COOKING OVER A FLOODLIGHT!

204. HEY, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE, HARRY POTTER?

205. JUST GIVE ME A DAMN PENNY.

206. YEAH, HI, UM, SO WE'RE NOT— WE'RE NOT STAYING.

207. STICKING AROUND FOR THE, UM, THE PAGEANT,

208. UH, BUT THANKS. UH, THANK YOU.

209. YEAH? WELL, I HOPE CODY HAS FUN GETTING HIS ASS KICKED

210. EVERY DAY OF HIS WHOLE LIFE WITH A SISSY NAME LIKE THAT!

211. OK. UM, YEAH. CODY'S A GIRL.

212. YEAH. AND I CALLED SOCIAL SERVICES—

213. A GIRL BABY ALVIS? THAT'S MESSED UP, LADY!

214. HEY, UH, HEY, UM...

215. WHICH ONE OF YOU IS CAPTAIN MURPHY?

216. THAT'S MURPHY RIGHT THERE.

217. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, SIR.

218. ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

219. COUNTY HEALTH INSPECTOR.

220. YOUR BUFFET TESTED POSITIVE FOR FECAL MATTER.

221. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE FINE THERE,

222. BUT, UH, HAVE A HAPPY ALVISTIME.

223. A FINE? MM-HMM.

224. A FINE!

225. HI. RAE PEDERMAN, FAMILY SERVICES.

226. LADY, UNLESS YOU GOT A BABY ALVIS JAMMED UP YOUR SKIRT,

227. TELL YOUR STORY WALKING.

228. YEAH, A BABY, MM-HMM.

229. DID YOU GIVE A BABY A GUN

230. AND THEN WRAP HIM IN ASBESTOS?

231. OH, THAT. I MEAN, I CAN EXPLAIN THAT.

232. SEE, ON A FROSTY WINTER'S— HOO! WHOA!

233. KEEP THEM HEADS DOWN...

234. THIS IS A SUMMONS.

235. YOU'RE TO APPEAR IN FAMILY COURT, TRIAL PART 61...

236. I'LL BEAT TRIAL PART 61's ASS!

237. HEY, YOU YOUNG'UNS GET AWAY FROM THAT BUFFET.

238. THAT THING IS CRAWLING WITH GIARDIA.

239. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

240. OH, CRAP, HE'S DOUBLING BACK...

241. STOP IT NOW! STOP IT!

242. IT'S ALVISTIME! HAVE SOME EGGNOG...

243. FIRE! FIRE!

244. FIRE!

245. I'M TRYING TO COMMUNE! YOU'RE RUINING THE FEAST!

246. I TOLD YOU, YOU DUMB...

247. ALVIS, DAMN IT!

248. IT'S ALVISTIME!

249. OOF!

250. OH, ALVIS, I'VE FAILED YOU!

251. I TRIED TO MAKE A NICE FEAST OF ALVIS,

252. AND IT'S ALL TURNED TO CRAP.

253. CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!

254. CRAP!

255. LO THEN, DAMN IT. LO.

256. WHAZZA—

257. WHY DOST THOU GNASH AND WEEP AND SCREAM "CRAP"?

258. OH, SWEET DELIA! IS IT—

259. OH, IT'S YOU, ISN'T IT?

260. ALVIS!

261. BINGO.

262. I WAS—THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG FEAST

263. WITH HAM AND POMP AND—

264. CRAP SCREAMER,

265. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE TRUE MEANING OF ALVISTIME.

266. I, UH... HUH?

267. NEITHER IS IT HAM NOR POMP.

268. NAY, THE TRUE MEANING OF ALVISTIME IS DRINKING.

269. DRINKING AND REVENGE.

270. WELL, I GOT EGGNOG,

271. BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S ENOUGH TO GET REALLY LOADED.

272. CRAP SCREAMER!

273. MORE OF A LIQUEUR.

274. BEHOLD!

275. IT'S A MIRACLE! TRULY AN ALVISTIME MIRACLE.

276. NOW DRINK WITH ME DEEPLY OF THE BOURBON, SCOTCH, AND RYE

277. UNTIL SUCH TIME AS WE ARE FIGHTING DRUNK.

278. THEN WE SHALL FIND, AND BEAT THE ASSES OF,

279. THE NON-BELIEVERS WHO RUINED MY FEAST.

280. ESPECIALLY WHOEVER CRAPPED THE BUFFET.

281. NO. NO, SIR, THAT WAS ME.

282. ALVIS BLESS US EVERY ONE.

283. YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT HE DOES.

284. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

285. YES, THE CONCUSSION COULD CAUSE YOU

286. TO HALLUCINATE AND SEE ALL KINDS—

287. HE WAS REAL, I'M TELLING YOU.

288. WE GOT DRUNK TOGETHER.

289. WE WERE GONNA GET SOME REVENGE ON THE FRIGGIN' KREBS.

290. WHAT? HAVE YOU NEVER READ THE BOOK OF ALVIS?

291. ALVIS WAS HIMSELF A KREB.

292. WHAT?

293. YES, IT WAS THE ROMANS WHO KILLED HIM.

294. SO, IN TRUTHFUL FACT,

295. I SUPPOSE YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY WITH THE ITALIANS.

296. WHAT KIND OF MANDU CRAP ARE YOU TALKING?

297. OH, YES, WHAT DO I KNOW?

298. MY RELIGION IS ONLY 5,000 YEARS OLD.

299. HUH. 5,000 YEARS OF—

300. OF STUPID.

301. CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

302. —www.ncicap.org—