1. Hello. If it's all right with everyone,
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2. I'd like to begin this morning's rounds
with a joke. Denise.
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3. Mmm, I don't really have one.
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4. No, I meant that you were the joke.
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5. Good one.
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6. Thanks. I thought of it this morning
while I was watching you
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7. try to jam a catheter into Mr. Hazleton.
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8. Yeah. He was a screamer.
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9. Ya, ya.
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10. What's your name?
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11. I'm Sonja,
but everybody calls me Sunny.
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12. Is it because of your haunting
resemblance to Sonny Bono?
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13. - Who's that?
- Moving on to our next patient.
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14. Mr. Francone has been in a coma
for well over a year.
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15. His organs are starting to fail
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16. and he probably won't be with us
very much longer.
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17. The most important thing to remember
during his final hours here on Earth is,
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18. do not ever come to me
and ask me questions
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19. about how to treat him. He's a potato.
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20. If you do,
my answer will always be the same.
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21. Sour cream, chives, and,
if I haven't had any protein that day,
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22. maybe just a sprinkling
of some of those bacon bits.
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23. Oh, my God. His hand, it moved!
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24. Kidding.
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25. The man's a potato.
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26. Dr. Reid, no offense,
but have you been drinking?
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27. Oh, no. I read that shampooing
with beer is good for your hair.
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28. So, I'm all sudsed up
in the shower this morning
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29. and the hot water dies.
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30. So, now I've got to spend the entire day
smelling like a brewery
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31. because there's no way that
I'm going to rinse off with ice water.
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32. See, this dress
only works without a bra,
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33. so if I get cold,
it looks like I'm smuggling candy corns.
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34. Hi, Peggy. This is Dr. Mahoney.
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35. She's going to help me
take care of you.
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36. - What's that smell?
- It's my hair, okay?
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37. Peggy's got a touch of pneumonia,
but she's gonna pull through.
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38. I wish my husband was here.
He passed away several months ago.
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39. - That sucks.
- It totally sucks.
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40. We were together for 53 years.
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41. I'm sorry, Peggy, is it cold in here?
'Cause it just feels a little freezing.
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42. I'm just gonna get a sweatshirt.
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43. I don't know, just hearing about
how much that old patient
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44. missed her husband
made me think of you.
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45. And a deep, wet tongue-kiss
right back at you.
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46. - Was that J. D?
- No, it's my dad.
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47. - Of course it was J.D.
- Oh, that's good.
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48. That old broad and her dead husband
got my engine revving, too.
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49. I need some action.
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50. Luckily, Cheeseburger Day at the caf
really brings out the fatties.
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51. Denise likes the big fellas.
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52. Oh, check out the ripples
on that gentleman.
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53. Oh, it's like somebody
threw a boulder in a pond.
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54. Fat dudes rule.
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55. They never expect commitment
and they try so hard in the sack.
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56. Plus, they're just so grateful afterwards.
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57. Hmm. Well, I'm just gonna
put this out here for bait
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58. and see what ambles out of the forest.
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59. Gooch! I forgot to tell you
I have a girlfriend now.
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60. Stephanie Gooch, this is Elliot.
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61. And this is some girl who digs fat guys.
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62. Come on, Gooch.
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63. There's like 75 other people
you haven't met
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64. who don't believe you exist.
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65. Hey, Miguel, this is the girlfriend
and she is real. In your face.
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66. Baby. Baby. Baby.
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67. Baby, I was pulling
some dude's spleen out today,
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68. and check it,
the blood splashed on my scrubs,
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69. looks like a tiger.
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70. Why is that part a different color?
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71. I might have used chocolate pudding
to do the tail.
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72. That's awesome, Turk,
but I have to tell you something.
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73. - What's that?
- I'm pregnant.
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74. What? I knew it!
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75. Because these past couple of months,
your butt's been like, pow!
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76. It's only been two weeks.
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77. Baby, this is big news,
and I want to talk to you about it. I do.
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78. First, I've got to go to the bathroom.
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79. It's too soon, so don't tell anyone.
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80. Why would you even think
I would do something like that?
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81. J. D! I've got news!
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82. J. D! Where are you, friend?
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83. - You seen J. D?
- No. I have not.
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84. Would you like to know why?
He isn't coming in today.
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85. He's on a mini-vacation.
And it isn't just today,
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86. he's not coming in tomorrow.
Which, by the way, is my day off.
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87. But not anymore.
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88. I'm coming in early and I'm staying late
because life is too darn short
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89. to spend the day
bonding with my family
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90. when I could be roaming the halls
of this hospital
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91. without the possibility of running into
that bearded hug-monster
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92. you call a best friend.
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93. Sorry I took so long, honey.
The line was long.
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94. Uh-huh.
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95. - How'd J.D. Take the news?
- He's not here today.
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96. I can't believe you.
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97. Yeah, right.
Like you weren't just telling Elliot.
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98. Well, I wasn't. Because when I say
something is between us as a couple,
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99. it stays between us.
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100. I'm sorry.
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101. I gotta go. Congratulations.
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102. All right.
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103. - Have the internal...
- Test results... The bleeding and...
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104. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah.
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105. Yay! Yay! Yay!
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106. I can't do this all on my own
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107. No, I know
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108. I'm no Superman
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109. I'm no Superman
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110. Baby, it's not fair.
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111. You told Elliot
and got that huge, excited reaction.
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112. I deserve to get that from someone, too.
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113. - One person.
- One person. Thank you.
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114. Hey, Elliot, let me tell J.D.
About the baby.
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115. Already did it.
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116. J.D.: Anyway, tell Turk that's
great news about his baby.
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117. That's it?
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118. J.D.: Elliot, why would you put me
on speaker without telling me?
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119. - You...
- J.D.: Turk! I'm so excited for you.
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120. - Too little too late, buddy!
- J.D.: Turk!
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121. I don't want to talk to you, J.D.
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122. - J.D.: Turk!
- No.
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123. - J.D.: Turk!
- Not here.
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124. J.D.: Elliot. Is Turk still there?
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125. No. He's gone.
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126. J.D.: Good, because let's face it,
everybody's having babies.
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127. - It's getting a little boring.
- Dude.
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128. J.D.: Elliot! Take me off speaker!
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129. I'm trying.
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130. Stupid technology.
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131. See you soon.
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132. Dr. Cox! Two quick things.
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133. First off, I looked up
a picture of Sonny Bono
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134. and my feelings are very, very hurt.
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135. - Noted.
- Apology accepted.
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136. Second, I know we aren't supposed to
ask you about Mr. Francone...
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137. - Huh?
- The potato.
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138. Right.
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139. See, the thing is,
his sister just called from London,
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140. and she was hoping we could keep
Mr. Francone, the potato,
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141. alive until she got here.
Can you please help?
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142. Let me see his chart.
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143. I'll tell you what to do first.
Go ahead and write this down.
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144. Okay.
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145. Wrap him in foil
and poke holes in him with a fork
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146. - so he cooks all the way through.
- Come on.
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147. Sunshine, I have neither the inclination
nor the time
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148. to care about people who I cannot help.
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149. If you're looking for someone
whose heartstrings you can tug, well...
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150. There's your gal. She cares.
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151. In fact, it's her only real fault.
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152. Look at her over there.
She's caring right now.
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153. Go. Go. Go. Go.
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154. Actually, yeah, Dr. Cox is here.
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155. J.D.: God help me, I could sense it.
Put me in his pocket.
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156. - J.D. I'm...
- Elliot, please, I want this.
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157. I miss my boyfriend so much.
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158. If he were here,
I might actually lick his face.
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159. Thank you, Dr. Appropriate.
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160. Peggy, I'm going to have a quick chat
with these two, okay, sweetie?
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161. Thanks, Bob.
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162. Send Peggy for an ABG and a chest CT.
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163. And, when you're done,
send her sputum for atypicals.
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164. Dr. Kelso, you do realize
that you don't work here anymore?
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165. Look, her husband was an old friend.
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166. Plus, I have forgotten
more about medicine
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167. than you two will ever know.
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168. I don't know you, but I assume
I have you beat because you're blonde
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169. and you're rolling
with Dr. Reeks-of-Beer.
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170. It's my hair, okay?
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171. Yeah, and watch the lip, grandpa.
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172. 'Cause you wouldn't be
the first old man I ever beat up.
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173. I like her.
She's got girl balls.
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174. J.D.: Ah, I love listening to you work.
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175. Come on, admit it.
You miss me as much as I miss you.
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176. There you go, Dorian,
that's what I think of you as a person.
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177. I hope you enjoyed it. Here, you.
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178. I didn't hear it all,
but that sounded harsh.
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179. - Are you okay?
- J.D.: No.
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180. Hey, Teddy.
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181. Carla said I could tell something
to just one person, so here goes.
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182. Carla and I are having a baby!
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183. - Oh, great.
- What were you doing?
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184. What the hell is the matter
with you people?
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185. Carla and I are having a baby!
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186. No, you're having a second baby.
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187. It's not that big a deal.
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188. When we had ours,
we barely told anybody.
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189. You had a second kid?
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190. Little girl. You held her in your arms.
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191. Mazel tov to you both.
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192. Can't a brother get
at least a mazel tov?
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193. Gooch and I are going to hold off
on the babies.
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194. We've only known each other a week.
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195. Plus, with all the cycling,
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196. apparently I've done
a real number on my sperm.
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197. Mine don't have any tails.
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198. They're just kind of blobs
that roll from place to place.
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199. Oh, hey, everybody, I'll tell you someone
who just did have their first baby.
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200. Witman, up in Radiology.
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201. - Come on!
- I love Witman.
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202. No. Witman's not even here.
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203. Hey, Nurse Espinosa, Carla.
Look, I know you're not working tonight,
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204. but I was hoping you could stay and
help me keep my coma patient alive
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205. until his sister gets here.
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206. What do you say,
a little coffee and girl talk?
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207. - It might be fun.
- Hmm.
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208. Anyway, Dr. Cox said
that you were the one I should ask.
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209. He did, did he?
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210. Hi.
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211. Oh.
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212. So.
Can you stay and help me out tonight?
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213. I'll see what I can do.
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214. Yay!
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215. Dial it down.
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216. Yay!
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217. You eating lunch?
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218. What gave it away?
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219. J.D. And I usually eat lunch together.
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220. Oh, God, here it comes.
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221. J.D. Was sitting in that exact chair
when we had our third kiss.
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222. Oh, that's very romantic.
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223. I will try not to
drill any more farts into it.
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224. I just feel like something's been
weighing me down all day.
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225. I mean, sure, I was in the x-ray room
a couple of hours ago
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226. and when I left I totally forgot
to take off the lead vest,
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227. but it's off now
and the weight's still there.
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228. I mean, it's not as bad,
but it's pretty bad.
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229. It just sucks, you know?
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230. I don't see how it could get any worse.
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231. I don't understand how this happened.
She just went like that.
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232. Hey, Dr. Turk.
What are you working on?
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233. I'm signing a death certificate
for a kid who passed away...
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234. Good for you.
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235. Hey, listen, were you one of the people
who didn't believe I had a girlfriend?
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236. Because, bam! There she is.
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237. Wow. She's too cute for you, Ted.
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238. Right? Spread the word.
Stephanie, this is Dr. Turk.
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239. - Hey.
- How's it going?
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240. It's pretty good.
I'm having a baby, you know?
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241. Is this your first?
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242. Why, yes, it is.
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243. That is so awesome! Congratulations.
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244. That's what I was looking for! Wow.
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245. I want to know everything.
Do you want to talk about it?
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246. Gooch, let's go talk about it!
See, how it happened was...
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247. Good night, Dr. Cox.
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248. Isn't Carla staying to help you out?
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249. She said she had things to do.
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250. But that's okay,
I know I haven't been a doctor long,
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251. but I'm great at placing IVs and,
you know, giving pills to people,
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252. so I should be fine.
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253. Oh.
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254. Oh, good. You're gone, too.
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255. Peggy was a sweet old bird.
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256. She only had pneumonia.
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257. She and her husband were together
for 50 years.
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258. Sometimes, in those cases,
it's not the illness that gets you.
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259. I mean, your soul mate's gone,
and your body just gives up.
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260. I actually think it's kind of sweet.
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261. I don't know, if I ever get married
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262. and my husband dies before me...
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263. I'm sure that I'll have enough
going on in my own life
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264. that I'll want to keep on living,
you know?
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265. Well, that's just some quality crap
you're spewing there.
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266. You've been moping around here
all day
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267. just because Dorian's been gone,
what, 12 hours?
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268. And I'm guessing you didn't hear
a word I just said
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269. because you're busy
looking at your telephone
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270. to see if he has texted you
in the last five minutes. Did he?
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271. Yes. "Thinking of you." See?
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272. There's the smile, you see?
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273. You're no different from Peggy.
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274. What are you saying? That if J.D. Died,
I would just die right afterwards?
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275. Well, I could only hope.
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276. But my point is,
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277. don't stand there
being judgmental about her
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278. when you're no different.
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279. What are you doing here?
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280. Well, I think the better question is
what are you doing here?
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281. I live here.
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282. That's not the better question.
It's the worse question.
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283. Why aren't you at the hospital
helping cheery, annoying intern?
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284. I had stuff to do.
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285. What gives you the right
to give me a hard time?
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286. Why aren't you at the hospital
helping Sunny?
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287. Because I don't give a damn
about terminal coma patients or interns.
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288. I get to not give a damn
because I know that you always will.
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289. I mean, give me a break, Carla.
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290. Tell me the last time
that you ever walked off on a patient.
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291. The guy's been in a coma for a year!
Okay? He's an eggplant.
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292. Okay, first of all, he's not an eggplant.
He's a potato.
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293. And secondly,
that's something I would say, not you.
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294. You used to care so much
about this stuff.
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295. Remember? What happened to you?
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296. Oh.
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297. It's always good to slam a door
right about now.
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298. Hey, Sunny, how did it go last night?
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299. - Great!
- Thank God.
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300. I mean, he crashed a few times,
but I brought him back.
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301. I mean, really,
the only scary moment was
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302. when he seized while I was
injecting him with dopamine.
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303. The needle slipped and
I accidentally stabbed myself with it.
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304. But I only freaked out for a second
until I remembered
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305. that comas aren't contagious,
and then the dopamine kicked in,
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306. which actually made
the whole night more enjoyable.
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307. But now I'm sort of jonesing
for another hit. Is that bad?
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308. Let's go downstairs
and get you some juice.
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309. Kelso's right.
J.D.'s gone and I'm miserable.
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310. I used to be such a strong,
independent woman.
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311. Did you know, once I actually changed
the oil in my car all by myself?
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312. - Saved thirty bucks.
- Cool.
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313. Yeah. Unfortunately, I dumped
the dirty old oil into a storm drain.
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314. The Department of Fish and Wildlife
fined me 1,400 bucks
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315. and declared me
an "enemy of the ocean,"
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316. whatever the hell that means.
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317. Hey, I know I usually write songs
for kids,
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318. but I wrote a song for you.
Do you want to hear it?
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319. - Yeah.
- Okay.
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320. You knocked up your lady
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321. Now you're having a baby
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322. 'Cause you're going to be
a first-time dad
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323. People used to tell you
that your life was meant to
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324. procreate a family of your own
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325. Then you went and did it
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326. 'Cause you finally did it
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327. Now you're going to have
your own Turk clone
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328. There's a little baby
in your lady's soft womb
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329. So just sit tight
and don't get out the vacuum
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330. It's time to realize
that your life is gonna change soon
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331. You'll be a dad
First time, first time!
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332. You're a dad
First time, first time!
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333. And remember
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334. Did you tell her it was our first baby?
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335. It's not your first?
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336. Um, it's our first since our first.
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337. Hey, Carla,
were you one of those people
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338. who didn't believe I had a girlfriend?
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339. Not now, Ted.
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340. When Izzy's 15
and she's trying to decide
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341. which one of us she likes better,
I'm so gonna use this.
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342. What is your problem?
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343. My husband's telling everybody
that I'm pregnant with our first child.
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344. Carla, if you're going to get upset
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345. every time your husband
does something stupid,
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346. then you're going to be upset
every second of every minute,
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347. every minute of every hour,
every hour of every day, every day...
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348. Stop.
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349. I was prepared to go to century.
But that's not why I'm here.
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350. I know.
I left the poor intern alone last night.
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351. I can't believe I did that.
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352. I mean, don't get me wrong,
she did a great job.
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353. Although, once she had a nightmare
that the coma patient woke up
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354. and stabbed her,
she actually tied the patient to the bed,
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355. which she probably
shouldn't have done.
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356. But that's on me.
So go ahead, rub it in my face.
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357. As much as I'm a huge fan of
a good old-fashioned face-rubbing,
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358. I'm here to apologize.
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359. J.D.: Apologize for what?
Elliot, slow down!
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360. No, J.D., you're talking to me.
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361. J.D.: Fine. You sound upset.
What's wrong?
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362. I don't want to get into it.
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363. J.D.: You know what I do
when I need to clear my head?
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364. I just let my mind drift
and fantasize about stuff.
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365. Yeah, I've noticed.
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366. J. D?
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367. J. D! You're fantasizing right now,
aren't you?
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368. J.D.: That's why
you should never trust a camel.
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369. Hey, man, I wanted to warn you.
Stay clear of my girlfriend.
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370. The Gooch does not like being lied to!
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371. I'm pretty sure I can handle it, Ted.
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372. Why did you lie
about that being your first kid, anyway?
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373. 'Cause when Carla told me
about the new baby,
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374. I didn't get
that crazy excited feeling I got
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375. when I heard about Izzy. I'm an idiot.
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376. Nah, it's just your second kid.
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377. Look, I don't know if you noticed,
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378. but I've been kind of jazzed
about this being my first girlfriend.
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379. You know, it's new and exciting.
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380. But, when she dumps me,
and, believe me,
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381. it's coming like a freight train,
I'll try to find a new gal.
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382. And if I do, it probably won't have
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383. that initial excitement
that the first one did,
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384. but that doesn't mean
it wouldn't be great.
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385. 'Cause, I mean, I'd be having
a second girlfriend. Yeah.
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386. Does this have anything to do
with your situation?
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387. - Kind of.
- Hey!
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388. I know. We had a great ride.
Still friends?
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389. - Not you, Ted.
- Still alive!
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390. So help me, if you ever make me
look like a fool again,
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391. I will bash your face in with this thing
until it is a million pieces. Are we clear?
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392. - Crystal.
- Good.
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393. Nope.
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394. The Gooch does not like being lied to.
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395. Whose room is this?
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396. Kelso's dead friend.
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397. Oh, yeah, that old biddy.
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398. You see,
I never used to say stuff like that!
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399. You know, death doesn't bother me
unless it's someone I know.
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400. And even then, if it happens
in a funny way, like my cousin, who,
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401. honest to God,
was flattened by a steam roller,
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402. I still actually enjoy it.
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403. I abandoned an intern who was just
trying to keep her patient alive
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404. so his sister could say goodbye.
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405. Look, sooner or later,
everybody in this place
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406. stops caring about hopeless,
terminally-ill, brain-dead coma patients
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407. and interns who want to save the world.
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408. You somehow managed to hang on
quite a bit longer than the rest of us.
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409. Carla, you are a wonderful nurse.
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410. You got a husband. Plus you got a kid.
Plus you got another kid coming.
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411. It was completely unfair of me
to expect more of you
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412. than anyone else in this dump.
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413. Now brace yourself,
because here it comes.
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414. I, Percival Ulysses Cox, am sorry.
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415. Ulysses?
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416. Write your name and put it on my cast
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417. So just call him already.
You know you want to.
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418. No.
I don't want to end up being an old lady
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419. who's so dependent on her partner
that she just croaks right after he does.
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420. I wish I was emotionally healthy enough
to love someone so much
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421. that I died after they did.
I was with that dude last night.
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422. The only way I'm gonna die after him is
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423. if he had a heart attack
while he was on top of me.
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424. Crap, I just turned myself on. Rudy.
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425. Upstairs.
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426. God help me, I like that crazy bitch.
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427. I thought it would be different
this time with J.D.
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428. I didn't think
I'd let myself get so vulnerable.
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429. Well, that's dumb.
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430. Relationships are about taking
a leap of faith.
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431. That's why it's called "jumping in."
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432. Now, Dorian seems to make you happy,
God knows why. Isn't that enough?
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433. You found another way
to get it back instead
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434. J.D.: Hello?
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435. Hey, I miss you.
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436. J.D.: I get why it wigged you out.
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437. At the end of the day,
relationships are tricky.
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438. Please don't do that whole
philosophical, pontificating thing.
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439. J.D.: Okay.
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440. Fine, go ahead.
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441. J.D.: Thanks. Things are always
different the second time around.
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442. You are about to be a big sister, Izzy.
Yes, you are. Huh?
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443. J.D.: You just have to remember that
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444. even if things are changing
all around you,
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445. deep down,
you're still the same person.
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446. I guess.
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447. Hey, Carla.
Can I talk to you for a second?
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448. You know you're not supposed to be
working tonight, right?
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449. Yeah, I know.
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450. Sunny said the sister would be here
in about six hours, and
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451. I'm not ready to let go
of that part of myself yet, you know?
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452. Yes.
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453. - Do you want to stay and help?
- No, I do not.
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454. Goodnight, Ulysses.
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455. If I believe it
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456. Okay...
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457. I will leave it
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458. J.D.: Hi, Perry.
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459. Probably checking your pockets
right now, but I'm not there.
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460. See, I had Elliot hide me
somewhere in your office.
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461. Now, while I've got you,
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462. I thought we could discuss
our relationship.
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463. It's had some ups
and it's had some downs.
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464. I'm going to start
by passing out some gold stars.
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465. The first one goes to you,
for your passion.
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466. The next one goes to me,
for my compassion.
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467. What I think we should do is
take passion and compassion...
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