1. J.D.: There's nothing worse than
running into a sworn enemy
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2. first thing in the morning.
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3. Well, if that's the case, Fred,
just put him on blood thinners.
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4. Excuse me, Perry.
You don't have a phone.
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5. You're just holding
your hand to your ear.
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6. Fred, I got to go.
He's gonna make me talk to him.
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7. Sure, I'll pass it on.
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8. Fred says you are a tool.
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9. I got nothing. That's a good one.
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10. Thank you.
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11. Still no Chief of Medicine, huh?
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12. You must love not having anybody
around to make you toe the line.
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13. It's pretty much
a captain-less ship around here.
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14. People showing up late,
stealing supplies.
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15. Basically doing
whatever the hell they want.
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16. Okay, as you can see,
we've repaired the perforation.
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17. Now all that's left to do is sew up
the surrounding muscle tissue.
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18. Are there any questions?
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19. - I don't think you're doing this right.
- Get out of here.
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20. - All right. Let me just touch his heart.
- Hey!
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21. Bottom line, if we don't get a new boss
in this place soon, it'll fall apart.
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22. I'd pretend to care, but I don't have to.
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23. - Here's my office.
- Okay, fine,
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24. you go ahead and have fun
spending your golden years
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25. at a depressing coffee chain,
surrounded by...
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26. I don't mean to cut you off, Perry.
But I have to take this call.
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27. Look at that, he brought it back.
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28. Doctor.
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29. Oh, now that can't be good.
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30. J.D.: I was still trying to get
my intern Jo
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31. to be more sensitive with her patients.
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32. Don't worry, Mr. Hapburn.
A lot of people are afraid of needles.
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33. I was only surprised because
you're the first one I've come across
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34. that doesn't have a vagina.
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35. Did you know that guy was a priest?
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36. I did. I'll see you tomorrow.
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37. If you're not here, I'll just assume
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38. that demons dragged you down to Hell
to chew your face off.
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39. J.D.: Now that I was dating Elliot again,
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40. I finally had something to get home to.
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41. - Hey.
- Hi.
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42. Why did you put my piano mat here?
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43. I was here all by myself
and I got a little freaked out,
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44. so I thought I'd use that
as a burglar alarm.
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45. That's catchy.
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46. Cookies are done.
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47. I baked a dozen for you
and a dozen for me.
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48. Now, I like to eat one and a half
cookies every day
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49. so that a dozen cookies
lasts eight days.
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50. Well, 10 days because I don't
eat sugar on Wednesdays,
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51. and on Sundays I call my mom,
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52. and she asks what's wrong
with my phone because I sound fat.
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53. Anyway, I'm gonna go change.
I brought my cookie pants.
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54. Notice the loose waist to accommodate
an expanding stomach.
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55. I finished my dozen.
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56. Why would you eat
all of your cookies at once?
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57. I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen to them?
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58. Come to daddy.
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59. Still pretty smoky.
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60. Worth it.
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61. So, he'd kill us?
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62. I told Turk you were making cookies.
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63. Plus he has a key to my place
and Carla's out of town.
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64. Elliot, with his diabetes,
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65. it's the only time he gets to eat sweets.
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66. I'm dating an idiot.
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67. Yeah, but you knew
what you were getting into.
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68. J.D., someone's in the house.
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69. Turk, get out of here!
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70. Pull that piano crap on me. Please.
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71. I can't do this all on my own
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72. No, I know
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73. I'm no Superman
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74. I'm no Superman
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75. Morning, sleepy.
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76. I got to go to work.
I wish I had the day off, too.
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77. Hey, do you realize that
we've already been dating for a week,
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78. but we still haven't had sex?
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79. Yes, but you know what?
We're not gonna rush this time.
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80. We're just gonna go with the flow.
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81. I think we should do it right now.
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82. J. D? Why are you throwing
your pants at me?
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83. Because I got excited. Woohoo!
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84. Well, you should be.
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85. Because tonight when you get home,
I'm going to be waiting here,
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86. and it's gonna be the most amazing,
crazy night you've ever had.
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87. - Stop throwing dirty clothes at me!
- Stop saying sexy things.
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88. Can't wait for tonight.
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89. - I really wish I hadn't done that.
- Yeah, me, too.
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90. J.D.: Mr. Lawton, one of
my favorite patients, was back.
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91. Unfortunately, Jo was his intern.
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92. - Hi.
- How's it going over here?
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93. Well, young Dr. Mahoney was just
observing that my heart disease was...
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94. - What was that, sweetheart?
- A giant buzzkill.
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95. - Jo...
- What?
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96. I was on cloud nine this morning.
Had a good night's sleep, hot shower,
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97. big old pancake breakfast, then bang.
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98. Chronic heart disease. Buzzkill.
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99. Well, I'm sure Mr. Lawton feels horrible
that his condition annoyed you.
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100. - I doubt it.
- She doubts it.
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101. Okay, well, other than the abdominal
discomfort, everything okay, sir?
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102. Well, I'd feel better if this bed
were a little more comfortable.
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103. Here. Lean up. Lean up.
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104. Thank you.
And I'm sorry if I ruined your day.
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105. - Yeah, we're cool.
- Apparently, you guys are cool.
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106. Yeah. Sure, I can come in then.
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107. Thank you.
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108. That was just the Board.
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109. They're offering me
the Chief of Medicine job.
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110. - Shut up!
- Yeah.
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111. Do you know what this means?
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112. That when I ask our nanny
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113. how she manages to raise
her own kid without a nanny,
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114. I can hire a second nanny
to listen to her boring answer.
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115. Perry, look at yourself.
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116. You don't get in
your own way anymore.
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117. Sweetie, I am so, so proud of you.
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118. Thank you.
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119. I'm feeling so open and vulnerable
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120. that it's literally filling me up
with rage and hatred, so I should go.
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121. - Fair enough. All right.
- Okay.
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122. Say, I heard you and Barbie were back
together again. How's that going?
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123. J.D.: He doesn't care. Don't answer.
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124. Is there less drama this time?
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125. Hold firm.
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126. Does it feel different?
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127. Give him nothing.
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128. Look at you not getting sucked in.
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129. Maybe you are a little bit older
and a little bit wiser,
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130. enough for this whole thing
to work out with Barbie this time.
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131. - I really think I am...
- Oh, my God.
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132. How do you not get that
I will never, ever care
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133. about your pasty, white love life?
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134. I only brought it up because I noticed
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135. that Barbie wasn't here at work today,
and I was hoping
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136. that your relationship with her
had already gone so far south
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137. that you'd killed her and buried
her deep in a wooded area,
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138. and that soon you would be carted off
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139. for the aforementioned crime
of pasty, white passion.
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140. Well, no such luck. She's just at home.
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141. Carla,
why won't you pick up? I need to talk!
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142. I cannot believe
that you leave the country
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143. the week I get back together with J.D.
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144. I feel like that's not a coincidence.
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145. Wait. I didn't mean that.
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146. I know that your aunt did not fall
out of that balloon on purpose.
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147. Anyway, I promised J.D.
This crazy sex night,
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148. and now I'm totally losing it.
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149. I've been trying on lingerie,
but nothing fits
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150. because I ate an entire batch of
cookie dough last night with a spatula.
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151. Plus, at my last appointment,
I got in a fight with my waxer,
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152. and now there is a rash on my bajingo
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153. that looks like
a thousand tiny spider bites.
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154. Damn it, Carla,
I need tonight to be special
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155. and you're not there for me, and I know
what you're gonna say is that...
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156. You're gonna say that
you've always come through
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157. and that sometimes I'm selfish,
but even if that's true,
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158. I don't need to hear
your attitude right now
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159. because I am sick of it.
Do you hear me? Sick of it!
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160. I love you. Call me.
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161. What can I say?
I just wish you were at home with her.
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162. - You and me both.
- That was an insult.
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163. I know. I thought if I took it
as a compliment,
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164. it would drive you insane
and you'd go away.
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165. - Damn it!
- Hey, J.D.
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166. Because of the abdominal discomfort,
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167. I was thinking of ordering an endoscopy
on Mr. Lawton. Yeah?
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168. No, no, he had
the same symptoms before.
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169. It turned out it was just heartburn.
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170. An endoscopy's a really painful,
invasive procedure.
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171. Who gives a crap?
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172. I don't know, Jo. I think I do.
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173. - Probably sounds crazy to you?
- Not crazy, just a little weird.
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174. Okay, no more sugarcoating. All right?
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175. You will never be a good doctor
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176. until you learn what it means
to truly care for your patients.
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177. And if I don't start seeing
some changes soon,
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178. you're gonna be out on your ass.
All right?
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179. There's your buzzkill. Go back to work.
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180. J.D.: Careful. Keep your bad-ass doctor
stare going in case she looks back.
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181. Nailed it.
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182. Bob, what are you doing up here?
Are you sick?
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183. No, I'm just taking a stroll.
But thanks for your concern.
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184. I'm not concerned.
I meant to sound hopeful.
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185. Let me try it again. Are you sick?
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186. Perry, why are you hating
this morning?
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187. I just came up here because I heard
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188. the Board offered you
the Chief of Medicine.
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189. - They did. It's a great opportunity.
- It certainly is.
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190. The minute I took that job,
everything got bigger.
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191. My office, my staff,
my secretary's hooters.
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192. They were a Christmas bonus.
For both of us.
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193. Still, I took the job
to improve patient care,
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194. but you spend most of your time
dealing with bureaucratic garbage.
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195. And what with the budget meetings
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196. and addressing staff
and patient complaints,
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197. you barely have time for a life.
And what is your reward?
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198. Everybody in the hospital hates you.
Yay! Anyway, Chief, congrats again.
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199. Hey, with Carla and Izzy out of town,
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200. must be nice to have the place
to yourself for once, huh?
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201. Dude, I can't answer that.
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202. How many people here are spies
and are ordered to report
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203. everything I say back to Carla?
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204. I should go.
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205. I love my wife and I wanna be
by her side at all times! All times!
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206. You heard that, Rochelle?
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207. Psst! Turk, come here.
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208. - Elliot, are you sick?
- No, I just don't have makeup on.
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209. You look pretty.
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210. - Turk, I need some help with J.D.
- Okay.
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211. You guys are back together.
I get that, it's great.
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212. You're a fit. I just don't wanna
get caught in the middle again.
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213. Well, you should've thought of that
before you jacked all my cookies.
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214. You're in.
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215. - Stupid sweet tooth!
- Okay.
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216. Dr. Reid,
when did you become homeless?
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217. - These are just my cookie pants.
- These are my muffin slacks.
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218. Bam!
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219. I've been rocking these bad boys
since the day I retired.
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220. Huh.
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221. - Where's Mr. Lawton?
- He's getting an endoscopy.
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222. Jo, please tell me
you didn't order that procedure
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223. even though I told you not to.
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224. Well, I did, so that kind of
puts me in a pickle.
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225. Okay, I am so angry right now,
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226. I don't even know what to say.
You got to give me a second.
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227. J.D.: I knew exactly what to say,
but the longer I waited,
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228. the more I knew
it would make her squirm.
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229. See, there's a lot of things
that can leave someone speechless.
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230. How'd the meeting go, Chief?
Is it official?
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231. J.D.: It can be an answer
you don't expect.
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232. I didn't go. I don't want the job.
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233. Just tell me this one thing
and then I'll leave you alone.
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234. J.D.: Or a question you wish
you didn't know the answer to.
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235. If you had to come up with
the ultimate sexual experience for J.D.,
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236. what would it be?
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237. J.D.: For Jo, it was just gonna be a
good, old-fashioned verbal beat-down.
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238. I don't know who you think you are,
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239. but I promise you, you are gonna regret
this mistake for the rest of your...
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240. Sorry to interrupt.
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241. Great call ordering
that endoscopy, Dr. Mahoney.
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242. Mr. Lawton has stomach cancer.
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243. J.D.: Yep. Speechless.
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244. J.D.: Time to make things right.
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245. Jo, I'm sorry.
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246. I thought you were being
callous with Mr. Lawton,
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247. and you were just being thorough.
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248. God, I'm a good apologizer.
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249. From now on, I'm gonna stop riding you
and let Jo be Jo. Sound good?
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250. No. Sounds great.
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251. Why would you apologize?
What the hell is your problem?
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252. Reminds me of what my grandpa
taught me when I was a boy.
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253. He said, "Janitor,
every time an angry woman storms out,
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254. "another angry woman storms in."
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255. What?
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256. Get out of my way!
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257. That one's for you,
Pop-Pop.
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258. He's not dead. He's upstairs. Dying.
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259. Excuse me. Dr. Kelso, isn't it?
I'm Jordan Sullivan.
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260. What are you doing?
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261. I'm introducing myself.
Because, clearly,
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262. anyone who would convince Perry not
to take the Chief job has never met me.
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263. That pansy-assed little tattletale.
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264. Bob, so help me God, you fix this,
or I will grab you by your muffin top
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265. and stomp on your withering man-parts
until your eyes pop out.
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266. Twenty years ago
I would have thrown you on this table
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267. and made love to you right here.
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268. And I would have loved it!
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269. See, that is the kind of passion
that I want tonight with J.D.,
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270. but we've hooked up
so much in the past,
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271. I can't come up with anything new.
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272. Ooh! What if I dripped
hot candle wax on his chest?
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273. No. Tina Two-Kids tried it
and burned off his treasure trail.
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274. Okay, okay. Let's just keep spit-balling.
What if I strangle him a little?
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275. No. J.D. Might like the idea of that,
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276. but if he loses too much oxygen
he'll get dizzy,
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277. and then his Space Needle
will become his space noodle.
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278. - How do you even know that?
- Elliot, I just do.
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279. Matter of fact, I don't want to talk
about this anymore, all right? I'm out.
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280. Angry woman out.
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281. Damn it!
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282. Angry woman in.
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283. You better not be making me
one of your stupid Janitor jokes.
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284. No, ma'am.
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285. Angry woman out.
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286. Hey, I'm glad I found you.
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287. I need your approval to cut down
some lollipop trees
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288. - outside the Sea-Monkey hut.
- What are you talking about?
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289. These decisions have
to go through you
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290. because you're
the Mayor of Crazytown.
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291. Okay, I really don't need this right now.
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292. Okay, fine, but you're supposed
to be working,
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293. so would you mind checking
the patient in bed six for dementia?
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294. This is bed six.
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295. I know. I think you're crazy.
It was a two-fer. Pow-pow.
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296. You're aware
I could kick your ass, right?
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297. I'm sure I'd get in some slaps.
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298. Look, I know I'm horrible with patients.
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299. But I make one lucky call
with Mr. Lawton's endoscopy
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300. and now you're not gonna push me
anymore to be better?
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301. Okay, you're not the Mayor
of Crazytown, you're the Emperor.
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302. At least when you gave me crap
I knew you were trying to help.
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303. But now you're just giving up on me?
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304. What do you care?
You don't even listen to me.
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305. What? I've been busting my ass trying
to be more caring with the patients.
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306. Remember when Mr. Lawton
was uncomfortable?
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307. Thank you, doctor.
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308. - That must have been so hard for you.
- Yeah, I'm still mad thinking about it.
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309. - What's with the yarn?
- I'm gonna use it later.
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310. Oh, by the way, Jordan thinks I'm hot.
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311. Yeah, she mentioned that before.
It's disturbing.
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312. Why aren't you taking the job, Perry?
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313. You said it was
a bureaucratic nightmare.
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314. - And I don't want to be miserable.
- You love being miserable.
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315. - I don't want everyone to hate me.
- Everybody already hates you.
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316. You wanna know the real reason
why you don't want the gig, champ?
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317. - Because you're a fraidy-cat.
- Beg your pardon?
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318. Didn't you hear me?
Are fraidy-cat's ears too tiny?
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319. - Don't push me, Bob.
- You're right. I'm sorry.
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320. Would it make you feel any better
to bat this around for a while?
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321. Yeah, I told you
I was gonna use it later.
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322. Do you know why I got into medicine?
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323. I assumed there was some sort of flyer
outside football practice.
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324. No. Look, I don't care that
I'm not that feminine.
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325. I still look rocking hot when I'm naked
so I can get it whenever I want it.
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326. - Okay, now that was feminine.
- Shut up.
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327. I became a doctor because
I love the nuts and bolts of it all.
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328. Like that woman over there?
I am fascinated by the way
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329. her heart pumps blood through
her body like a machine.
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330. The way her axons are covered
in a thin layer of myelin,
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331. like an insulated electrical wire.
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332. But tell me to empathize with her,
to be totally open and vulnerable?
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333. No, I can't even do that with my
own family, let alone a total stranger.
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334. I'm not sure I can get past that.
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335. What makes you think
you're so special?
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336. Every doctor in this place has flaws
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337. they've been dealing with
since they were a little kid.
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338. Hell, the guy who taught me
is constantly getting in his own way.
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339. Who needs a promotion anyway?
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340. I'm dating a girl who's always fighting
her own neuroses.
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341. Come on, Turk! Talk to me!
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342. And you saw my biggest flaw
in action today.
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343. I was willing to let a patient I liked
go without an endoscopy
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344. because I wanted to spare him
a painful procedure.
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345. Sometimes I care a little too much.
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346. Yeah, but that caring thing has
a major upside.
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347. And so does your cold, bitchy thing.
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348. It'll protect you from letting
all this stuff weigh you down.
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349. Remember last Monday?
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350. We spent that night watching
a young father die of lung cancer.
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351. - Do you remember his name?
- No. Not even a little bit.
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352. Jack Fremont.
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353. Sometimes I still think about him
and that is not a good thing.
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354. What?
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355. You're so in touch with your emotions,
and I can't really get to mine.
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356. It's kind of like I'm the dude
and you're the chick.
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357. Not really getting that simile, Jo,
but if it works for you, awesome.
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358. So, now we know what my deal is.
How you gonna fix it?
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359. I'm not gonna fix anything.
I got my own garbage.
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360. You're gonna do this on your own.
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361. You're a doctor.
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362. Turk, come on. I'm desperate.
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363. Elliot, Todd and I are in
the middle of teaching our interns
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364. how to do an appendectomy.
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365. Please. You just cut it out
and sew him up.
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366. She's right, actually. Finish up.
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367. Look, Carla always says that
making love with you is perfect.
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368. - Yeah, she did.
- Tell me what makes it so special.
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369. I mean, she says
that you even cry sometimes.
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370. - Thank you for sharing.
- That's okay, T-Dog,
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371. if it doesn't hurt,
you're not doing it right.
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372. I just want things to be different
with J.D. This time, to be better.
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373. You wanna know what's so special
about Carla and me?
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374. That we don't have to try
and make it special. Okay?
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375. We're just connected.
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376. If you want things to be different
with J.D. This time around,
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377. you're gonna have to give up all
of that immature, neurotic over-thinking
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378. and just be with each other.
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379. - Todd, hit the button.
- What button?
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380. Much better.
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381. Turk!
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382. That's not right.
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383. So this is what fear feels like, huh?
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384. It's kind of like being really drunk,
only in a very sad way.
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385. You're just loving watching me
fall apart like this, huh?
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386. More than comfy shoes
and a warm place to crap.
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387. - Yeah.
- But you're gonna take this job.
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388. Partly because
you were meant to do it,
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389. but mostly because, if you don't,
I will always remind you
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390. that you are a sac-less little fraidy-cat.
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391. Why in the hell
did you try to talk me out of it?
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392. I had to tell you the truth
to prepare you.
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393. If I'd fluffed it up,
you would have tortured me forever.
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394. So you really think
I'm the man for the job?
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395. Who the hell do you think
recommended you?
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396. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
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397. - Oh, God, no.
- What?
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398. You don't really think
we're becoming friends, do you?
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399. Good Lord. I hope not.
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400. You wanna come over
for a brewski tomorrow
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401. and check out my hobby shop?
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402. - Too fast, Bob.
- Yeah, I knew when I said it.
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403. Oh, good.
You're done with your quiet time.
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404. Look, the nurse said
that Mr. Lawton's having
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405. a bit of a breakdown about his cancer.
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406. I want you to go over there
and help him through it.
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407. You really want me talking to him?
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408. - If he cries, I'm gonna hit him.
- Don't mess it up.
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409. Okay.
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410. J.D.: I knew I couldn't fix Jo,
but I could still give her a push.
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411. Because sometimes that's all people
need to deal with their fatal flaw.
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412. Well, I'm the new Chief.
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413. What the hell is happening?
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414. Still too soon?
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415. Way too soon, Bob.
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416. J.D.: And even if some people
can only take a baby step...
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417. I can't imagine
what it's like to have cancer,
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418. but I bet it sucks.
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419. It totally sucks.
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420. - You all right?
- Yeah, I'll get through it.
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421. J.D.: Others might finally be able
to stop trying so hard
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422. and just let the moment happen.
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423. Wow. You look amazing.
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424. Even in cookie pants?
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425. Especially in cookie pants.
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426. That one's for you, Pop-Pop.
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427. He's not dead. He's upstairs. Dying.
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428. - J.D.: Is he a patient here?
- Yeah. He's in the psych ward.
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429. He says he's an owl,
but I can't believe a word he hoots.
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430. That one's for you, Grandpa.
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431. He's not dead. He's on the roof.
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432. J.D.: Why on the roof?
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433. He thinks he's a mountain lion.
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434. Just like my granddad taught me
when I was a boy.
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435. He said, "Janitor, don't marry
a German. They have monkey feet."
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