Scrubs 8x5

1. J.D.: Things were the same around here.

2. Dr. Kelso was retired...

3. No.

4. J.D.: But he had also won free muffins for life,

5. so he still came to the hospital every day.

6. Good morning, people.

7. - Hi, Bob. - Hi, Bob.

8. Hey, Anderson, before I retired, we never got to have a heart-to-heart.

9. I'm not really a touchy-feely type, but,

10. well, hell, I'll just say it. You're a jackass.

11. J.D.: As usual, Turk and I were working our asses off.

12. Aw, man. You and Izzy are here?

13. I wanted to watch... Oh, nice, it's already on.

14. It's a good one. The letter's J.

15. J.D.: And Dr. Cox was once again torturing the new interns.

16. Before we start rounds today, who watches Deal or No Deal?

17. Get out.

18. And you, Legally Blonde,

19. name the three possible causes of this patient's hematemasis.

20. Peptic ulcer disease, esophageal varices,

21. or Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome?

22. - That's actually correct. - Yes.

23. And if you're wondering why I say "actually,"

24. you've proven to be such a vapid, helpless incompetent,

25. that for you to say something correct is a wild departure from the norm.

26. Therefore, I decided I had better pick a word

27. that drew attention to the fact that it was such an extraordinary occurrence.

28. And I went ahead and chose "actually."

29. Zwa!

30. Who made that noise?

31. I did.

32. I'm a little tired of her chipper attitude, so it's cool to see you just slam her.

33. So I just went, "Zwa."

34. So, if I were to ask you a question, like,

35. what is the next diagnostic move in checking for Zollinger-Ellison

36. and you didn't know, I would say "zwa."

37. No, 'cause I know the answer. Esophagogastroduodenoscopy. Zwa.

38. Good. But mark my words, I will zwa you by the end of the day.

39. Now, since the rest of your brains are so tiny,

40. from now on I'll speak like a caveman.

41. You. Bad doctors. Me. Good doctor. You follow.

42. Hey, did you guys hear that they're starting to interview

43. for the new Chief of Medicine?

44. Actually, they already found someone.

45. That's right, knuckleheads. There's a new Chief in town.

46. That was a mistake.

47. I'll be watching you, John Dorian.

48. And guess what? My eyes never close.

49. Mine neither.

50. Actually, they do. That was a lie.

51. I grew up on the street.

52. No, not the hood, the Sesame Street.

53. I can't do this all on my own

54. No, I know

55. I'm no Superman

56. I'm no Superman

57. Patient. Iron high. Heart swollen big.

58. You. What make sick?

59. Could it be hemochromatosis?

60. Correct. Rounds over. You go.

61. Thoughts on the beard?

62. - I like it. - Thank you, Perry.

63. Of course, I'm totally in favor of anything

64. that covers up parts of your face that were previously uncovered.

65. Yay, you hurt my feelings.

66. So, which intern are each of you guys gonna choose this year

67. to be your personal protégé-slash-lackey?

68. I'm going with Katie because she's not a jerk anymore.

69. Plus we've got the same hair.

70. At first I thought I was gonna mentor both Neil and Garrett,

71. because they always ask me to go rollerblading...

72. Let it go. We don't have the time.

73. And then I thought, why not pick a woman?

74. Have a little feminine energy in my life.

75. You mean like the kind of energy that seeps out of every pore in your body?

76. Elliot, why?

77. You knew that he was gonna say it.

78. I thought it would hurt less coming from me.

79. Well, then, thank you. Let's do this.

80. - Can you help me out with something? - You. Me. Help.

81. Of course, Dr. Dorian.

82. All right, Denise, I'm going to kick your butt with scut work for a while,

83. still I really want you to be yourself around me.

84. Do you really mean that, sir?

85. J.D.: "Sir." Loving this girl's energy.

86. I mean every word, young miss.

87. Well, buddy, you have no idea how psyched I am to hear that.

88. I mean, I spent four years in med school talking like this

89. so I wouldn't dare threaten all the male teachers

90. who pee their pants every time they're even near a strong woman.

91. Seriously, I am so happy to be done with all that,

92. I could drop a deuce right here.

93. Well, don't do that here, Denise, 'cause this is a hospital.

94. What in God's name just happened?

95. By the way, how can you stand these scrubs?

96. Mine are so far up my butt right now I can taste them in my throat.

97. You know, you don't have to be yourself all the time,

98. just some of the time.

99. It's Ed?

100. Sometimes I go by Big Ed.

101. So, Ed, after you place a central line on that patient,

102. come and find me and let me know whether or not you killed him.

103. Big Ed.

104. Dr. Cox, I just wanted to tell you I really enjoyed rounds this morning

105. and I'm gonna work harder so you don't just think of me as a...

106. What was it?

107. A helpless, vapid, incompetent ass-kisser.

108. Actually, I don't remember the ass-kisser part.

109. That's 'cause I just added it now.

110. That's great. Makes it hurt more.

111. Great.

112. Katie.

113. You don't have to do that.

114. I know, it's disgusting.

115. You're just under so much pressure. I have been there.

116. - Really? - Oh, my God, my first week here,

117. I totally screwed my best friend, J.D., just to look good in rounds.

118. Well, not literally screwed. I mean, yes, later, we did it,

119. but that was for totally different reasons.

120. And honestly it has been talked to death.

121. But we are dating again. Don't tell anyone.

122. Got it.

123. Don't bother me, I'm busy.

124. I can't make any promises.

125. Dr. Cox. Got those test results for you, man.

126. You were totally right about that old dude in bed four.

127. Syphilis.

128. I just... I used to be a DJ.

129. Syphilis. Syphilis. Syphilis. Syphilis.

130. - Wow! - Syphilis. Syphilis. Syphilis. Syphilis.

131. Get out of here, Ed.

132. - Right now? - Yeah.

133. Come here.

134. Why do I hate that guy?

135. So how long you two been dealing with the lung cancer?

136. Well, Jack's last cycle of chemo was about a year ago

137. and since then there's been no beta symptoms

138. and his last chest-scan showed no new lesions. So...

139. Speaking of new things...

140. J.D.: Not the time to talk about your beard.

141. I'm sorry, I interrupted you. Lesions.

142. Anyway, we've just been feeling so positive

143. that we haven't even told our son about the cancer yet.

144. Mikey's only eight.

145. Hopefully this is just a minor infection right now.

146. Okay? We're gonna run some tests.

147. He needs a new chest scan right away

148. and don't let those idiots in Radiology hold you up.

149. Dr. Dorian, if they pull any crap, I'll bust some heads.

150. She really is like having my very own Jo from Facts of Life.

151. Throw her a bone so she knows she's growing on you.

152. Denise, call me J.D. Dr. Dorian's my father.

153. Actually, he's Mr. Dorian.

154. Well, was Mr. Dorian. He's dead, Jo. He's never coming back.

155. You called me Jo.

156. Do you not like that as a new nickname?

157. Just a little butch. I like banging dudes. So.

158. I've heard that's nice.

159. Seems like it would be a host to a variety of infectious bacteria

160. - or even fungus. - Plus it's hard to look at.

161. I recommend it's removed immediately.

162. Forget it, you guys. I'm keeping the beard.

163. Chicks dig on the extra fuzz.

164. Tell me about it.

165. And you've only got it on two percent of your body.

166. Hey, what is up, guys? Can somebody give me a high four?

167. Coming at you.

168. Near!

169. Far!

170. Grover five.

171. Come on, buddy, let's go.

172. - Hey, was that Dr. Turk? - Yeah, why?

173. Well, everyone's trying to figure out who he is

174. because he's gonna pick an intern to do all the medical research

175. on a paper he's publishing.

176. So did you put yourself up for that?

177. I'm not exactly super-confident right now.

178. Katie, when I was an intern,

179. this oncologist asked me to assist him with his research

180. and I was too intimidated and so I said no.

181. So then he offers it to this other girl, Gina,

182. and I really regretted it.

183. You know, at least until we found out

184. that he was actually watching Gina whizz

185. through a hole in his office wall.

186. But had he not been a perv, it would still haunt me.

187. Which is why you're gonna go for this, okay?

188. Okay.

189. Bear claw.

190. So maybe you don't like him because he's a freaky, stoner weirdo.

191. No. Surprisingly, that tickles me.

192. - Did he say "back in the day"? - No.

193. - Did he say "back in the dizzay"? - No.

194. Did he call you Dr. C?

195. He did, but I liked it.

196. Does he like Hugh Jackman?

197. Wrong again. You suck at this.

198. Perhaps the problem lies within.

199. By creating false hatred for others,

200. you don't have to face the fact that you really hate yourself.

201. And where'd you get that psychobabble?

202. From some skank at the mall.

203. I chill at the food court on the weekend. Donny, I'm out.

204. Want one? I got pull here. Donny.

205. Hey, what are you guys looking at?

206. Oh, my God. Is that a picture of a poo?

207. No, that's not just any poo, Elliot.

208. That's Izzy's first poo in the potty.

209. I can't take my eyes off of it. It's gorgeous.

210. I accidentally hit send.

211. Aw!

212. They're back.

213. Jack's are bigger.

214. Just found my new screen saver.

215. They're back.

216. My bad.

217. Thank you.

218. Anyway, Turk, my intern, Katie, could really use a boost.

219. Would you do me a favor and consider her

220. for the paper that you're doing?

221. Sure, no problem.

222. Thanks, man. I owe you one.

223. Oh, my God. Look at these.

224. The owner of those lungs is gonna die, like, yesterday.

225. It's Mr. Fremont, patient of mine. His son's eight years old.

226. I'm sorry, buddy.

227. Got to go tell Denise.

228. J.D.: As a doctor, you can spend as much time and energy

229. on your interns as you do on your patients.

230. Whether you're frustrated by them...

231. Well, I finished my double hot choc, I'm gonna head up.

232. You guys need anything else?

233. No, thank you.

234. All right.

235. No, it is not just me. He is hateful.

236. J.D.: Or rooting for them.

237. Okay, I wanna thank everyone who applied.

238. Unfortunately, I can only pick one. So...

239. Ed, congratulations!

240. Oh, sorry, man. I'm listening to The Da Vinci Code on audiobook.

241. It's riveting.

242. Okay.

243. Damn it.

244. No way!

245. That was that guy?

246. J.D.: For me, I was just hoping to figure out a way to tell Denise

247. that the first patient we were treating together was gonna die.

248. Listen, Jo, Mr. Fremont's scan came back

249. and his lungs are covered with lesions. He doesn't have a lot of time.

250. I was glad I was here

251. because I knew it would be hard for her to deal with.

252. Huh. Sucks to be him.

253. Or not.

254. I think I see what the problem is.

255. You have a hand inside of you.

256. That explains so many things.

257. Dude, been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?

258. No. I'm straight.

259. That's just uncalled-for. I'm freaked out, man.

260. I told my intern, Jo, our patient was dying,

261. she barely even reacted.

262. That sucks.

263. I cannot believe that Turk didn't pick you.

264. I may just have to withhold sex from him.

265. I mean, not me, personally, but I am best friends with his wife

266. and if I ask her to, she'll get him all worked up

267. and then say that was for Elliot and then just roll over and go to sleep.

268. I never really had a shot anyway.

269. I mean, surgery is such a boys' club.

270. I don't know about that.

271. L-just-pulled-your-pants-down-five!

272. Maybe you're right.

273. - No sex for Turk tonight. - Done.

274. Hey, back to this intern that I hate.

275. No, I don't wanna play your Why Do I Hate this Intern game.

276. It's no fun. Nobody ever wins.

277. Fine. I need to find somebody

278. a little more qualified to talk about hate anyway.

279. Look, you and I are alike in a lot of ways.

280. We both harbor an internal struggle between the desire to do good

281. and the urge to become a master criminal.

282. - We don't. - We do.

283. You hate people, and I hate people.

284. What nobody gets is that we never hate indiscriminately.

285. That is so true. I only hate those that have wronged me.

286. Like, if they stole my stuff or put a penny in the door or...

287. That guy. See that look he shot us, like he's so much better than we are?

288. Plus he's only 25,

289. and earlier I heard him use the phrase, back in the day.

290. Well, he's dug his own grave, hasn't he? Let's do this.

291. Go.

292. He's even worse than the other guy.

293. Go get him too.

294. All right, Denise, here's the deal.

295. We have to tell Mrs. Fremont

296. that her husband doesn't have much longer.

297. She's gonna want us to do whatever we can to keep him alive,

298. but we both know that putting him on a respirator

299. is just gonna prolong the inevitable and eventually cause him more pain.

300. So I'm gonna tell her the initial bad news,

301. and then I want you to come in

302. and secure the Do Not Resuscitate order.

303. Okay, J.D.

304. You're going to make her get the DNR?

305. An intern shouldn't have to convince a wife to let her husband die.

306. She's got to learn how to show some compassion.

307. I'm throwing her in the deep end.

308. There's got to be a better way to teach that.

309. Elmo would love to help.

310. Denise, could you come here for a second?

311. Well, hubba hubba.

312. You be the patient and I'll be the doctor.

313. How's this?

314. Don't worry, buddy. I'm gonna take care of you.

315. Elmo knows that together, we can get through this.

316. And scene.

317. I get it now.

318. Yay! She gets it! She gets it!

319. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.

320. - Thank you. - Yeah.

321. Okay, easy, buddy.

322. What? She's your woman?

323. What is Elmo? A seal?

324. Turk, I am so mad at you.

325. Yeah, I know. Carla dragged me into the on-call room,

326. stripped butt naked, did a little belly dance

327. and then said, "This is for Elliot," then took a nap.

328. What the hell did I do to you?

329. You're a sexist.

330. Keep moving, Rhonda.

331. You ain't moving fast enough, Rhonda.

332. Admit it, Katie never had a chance with you because she's a girl.

333. That's ridiculous.

334. Really? Besides me,

335. can you even name one other girl that you're friends with?

336. Carla and a lovely woman by the name of Margaret.

337. Carla's your wife and Margaret's your mother.

338. Elliot, don't talk about my mama. All right? I will punch you in the head.

339. Turk, I was Katie once.

340. I mean, I know what it feels like to get passed over

341. because you're not one of the boys.

342. Okay, fine, I should've given Katie a chance.

343. Guess what? Ed's gonna let me take his spot.

344. I didn't wanna do it anyway.

345. The only reason I signed up was I have this three-way pen

346. and I wanted to write my name in three different colors.

347. Dude, that's why I picked you.

348. Looks cool, right?

349. It looked so cool.

350. So Katie gets to do it?

351. Fine.

352. - Blow it up, girl. - Yes!

353. That's it. I know why I hate him.

354. Way to go. Wanna borrow my plunger?

355. Form a perfect seal around his mouth, and then... three times,

356. And... his Adam's apple pops right out.

357. Theoretically.

358. J.D.: Mrs. Fremont.

359. Your husband doesn't have a minor infection.

360. It's the cancer.

361. His body is basically shutting down.

362. He's dying?

363. I'm sorry.

364. No. No, he's been doing so well. No, it's not time yet.

365. See. There must be something that you can do.

366. Well, we can make him comfortable,

367. but by the end of the night he won't be able to breathe on his own.

368. So you'll put him on a machine.

369. I'm not sure you wanna do that.

370. Why? Why wouldn't I wanna do that?

371. Why wouldn't I wanna do anything I can to keep him alive?

372. J.D.: This was gonna be rough on Denise,

373. but I knew it was something she had to get through

374. to become a more compassionate doctor.

375. Look, here's the deal.

376. If you make us intubate him,

377. we'll probably also have to shove a catheter in his lung

378. and that sort of thing usually leads to an infection and antibiotics,

379. and then, before you know it, his kidneys are toast.

380. So even with all our poking and prodding,

381. we're still not gonna slow down his cancer.

382. So you'll finally sign the DNR,

383. but by then he would have suffered way more than he needed to

384. because you were just too selfish to let him go.

385. The real Jo never would've done that.

386. Hey, skank.

387. What up, skank?

388. It's all good, skank. We like to call each other skank.

389. Okay, I know I was being a little sexist earlier,

390. but don't you also think Katie might have been playing you a little

391. so she could get ahead?

392. Turk, she wasn't even gonna sign up

393. to help you with your stupid paper until I told her to.

394. That's funny. Because I went back and checked

395. and Katie was the first intern to sign the sheet.

396. See? That's her name, right there. Above Ed's.

397. Skank.

398. Time to go. Donny, I need a way-homer.

399. See you tomorrow, everybody.

400. Bye, Bob!

401. Syphilis.

402. Whoa!

403. Zwa.

404. You zwa'd the hell out of me, Dr. Cox. Just like you promised.

405. See, I've seen a lot of crazy things in my life,

406. but, trust me, I've never seen an intern

407. with the time to just hang out in a coffee shop.

408. And it wasn't until you gave up that research paper

409. that I finally realized why I hate you.

410. You're lazy.

411. Am I not doing as well as the other interns?

412. You are doing better than most.

413. Well, I don't know, I'm fine with better than most.

414. But if that stops being the case, let me know.

415. Believe me, I will.

416. Thanks, Dr. C.

417. We always knew this day would come.

418. How can I still not be ready?

419. Nobody ever is.

420. What should I do now?

421. You should go pick up your son.

422. We'll do our best to wake him up so you two can say goodbye.

423. Okay.

424. And then I realized why I'd thought about Sesame Street all day.

425. In a way you can learn everything you need to know from watching it as a kid.

426. Like, "Always play nice."

427. Oh, please, I've got Dr. Reid wrapped around my finger.

428. I'm gonna be fine around here.

429. "Always try your hardest."

430. Hey, you going to the hematology lecture tonight?

431. No can do, other Indian guy. About to go get me some pizza.

432. And even, "It's okay to cry."

433. Yeah, you're right, he didn't last long at all.

434. Oh!

435. Didn't expect the waterworks.

436. See you tomorrow.

437. It's gonna be a long year.

438. By then he would have suffered way more than he needed to

439. because you were just too selfish to let him go.

440. I'll let you think about it.

441. The real Jo never would've done that.

442. What she was trying to say is

443. you take the good, you take the bad, and when you take them both,

444. there you have the facts of life.