1. J.D.: Life's great.
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2. With the Janitor fired,
I can walk the halls without fear.
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3. I don't even hesitate
around corners anymore.
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4. But maybe I should.
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5. L-can-feel-little-J.D. Five?
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6. - No thanks, Todd.
- But I can and I want my five.
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7. Plus, Elliot and I were better friends
than we'd been in a long time.
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8. We were going to movies.
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9. I really liked that.
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10. Oprah produced it.
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11. We were going out to dinner.
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12. My salmon was great.
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13. You know, Oprah owns that restaurant.
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14. And on weekends when I had Sam,
she even came over for breakfast.
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15. I could make pancakes,
or we can have Oprah O's.
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16. And check this out.
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17. Who wants to eat some cereal?
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18. - That's funny.
- J.D.: That's it?
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19. Not only did I rig this box,
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20. but I got Whitney in Payroll
to tape her Oprah voice.
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21. I've been working on this joke
for over a week,
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22. and all you can muster
is a little chuckle?
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23. - Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop.
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24. - Who wants to eat some cereal?
- It's broken.
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25. - Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop it!
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26. - Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop, stupid box!
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27. Okay, so I'm gonna
add a little pressure now, sir.
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28. That's all right. It's perfectly natural.
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29. That was you.
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30. Yeah, I know.
But it's still perfectly natural.
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31. Lovely.
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32. It's your own fault.
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33. You're the only attending
who sticks around for an entire exam
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34. when he calls for a surgical consult.
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35. - Why is that?
- No reason.
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36. Oh, so you don't want to say?
That's cool.
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37. I know you hate
that I call Carla "baby" all the time,
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38. so I'll just call you "baby"
until you tell me.
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39. - Does that sound good, baby?
- Don't do that.
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40. Oh, what's the matter, baby?
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41. Look, surgeons always
want to slice people open,
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42. whether it's the best option or not.
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43. No disrespect,
but you're just not that bright.
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44. You have no idea
how to do anything else.
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45. Unfortunately, sick people
are also very, very stupid,
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46. and will almost always
agree to anything
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47. that a bloodletting corpse carpenter,
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48. such as yourself, tells them.
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49. I simply stay in the room to make sure
they make the right choice.
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50. So you don't trust me?
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51. Oh, that's right.
That is an easier way to say it.
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52. Baby! Baby!
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53. There he is. Right on schedule.
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54. J.D.: Maybe it was the
free muffins for life,
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55. but Dr. Kelso still hangs out here
every day.
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56. Morning, everybody.
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57. - Morning, Bob.
- Morning, Bob.
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58. I'm like Norm in this bitch.
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59. Ted finally said
what we were all thinking.
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60. Why are you spending your retirement
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61. hanging around the place
you used to work?
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62. It's so sad.
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63. By comparison,
it almost makes my life seem...
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64. No, still sad.
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65. Yeah.
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66. Seriously, don't you have anything
better to do?
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67. Come on, people.
I've got tons of stuff going on.
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68. I golf, I play gin with the boys.
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69. In fact, I am just here
to stock up on muffins.
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70. Donny, four roadies, please.
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71. Today, Enid and I are leaving
to go spend a week in the wine country.
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72. Of course, you know
how Enid complains.
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73. Anyplace I take her is whine country.
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74. Thank you, thank you. Thank you.
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75. Anyway, keep my table warm. Adiós.
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76. What are you doing?
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77. Oh, that's the sound I hear in my head
whenever people leave.
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78. Whatever.
I will see you after work.
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79. You should really hesitate
before going around corners.
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80. I was thinking that earlier.
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81. Hey, since that chief-doctor person
that fired me is gone, I'm back.
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82. - Yay.
- I knew you'd react that way.
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83. And since Jimmy, the overly-touchy
orderly, got his job back, too,
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84. I took the liberty of telling him
how much you missed him.
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85. - Hey! I missed you, too. What's new?
- Oh, nothing, man. Good...
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86. - You seem a little clenched.
- Well...
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87. Uh-oh. Found a treasure trove.
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88. Where's the gold?
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89. - Take my little pickax and get to it!
- Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
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90. - Giggle worm!
- Okay. Okay.
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91. - Squiggle worm!
- I'll get my own gold. Thank you.
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92. Okay. Welcome back.
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93. Why?
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94. I can't do this all on my own
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95. No, I know
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96. I'm no Superman
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97. I'm no Superman
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98. - See you later, buddy.
- Hey, have a good one, guys.
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99. No, wait. Something's wrong.
What is it?
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100. It's Dr. Cox.
He's all up in my business. And...
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101. Dr. Cox!
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102. Hang in there, Bear.
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103. How did you know that he was hurting?
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104. Did you, like, hear it in his voice?
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105. With Turk, I can always feel it
from his soul, like a wave of heat.
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106. Are you gonna make a joke
about how gay that sounds?
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107. Definitely.
I just don't have the words yet.
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108. Well, let me know.
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109. Hello, folks. I'm Dr. Christopher Turk.
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110. You're right so far. Continue.
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111. Mr. Halford, Dr. Cox tells me
that you're in need of a new kidney,
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112. and I understand your wife
wants to be the donor.
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113. So what do you say we run some tests
and see if she's a match, okay?
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114. Dr. Cox said you're
the best surgeon here, so I'm fine.
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115. - Right on. See you guys later.
- Okay.
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116. Now, I don't understand.
If I'm the best surgeon here,
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117. how come you're always
looking over my shoulder?
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118. Oh, give me a break, would you?
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119. Saying someone is "the best surgeon"
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120. is like saying someone is the
smartest cast member of The Hills.
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121. Let's face it. It's just not that tough
to float to the top of the surgical toilet.
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122. Take your fellow cutter, The Todd.
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123. Now, he is also deemed competent
enough to perform a kidney transplant
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124. on that gentleman right there.
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125. Yet observe.
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126. - Say Todd, what's for lunch today?
- Not sure, bro.
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127. This time I'll just move my lips
as if I'm speaking,
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128. and his tiny surgeon brain will tell him
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129. the glass is now just too darn thick
to hear through.
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130. Can't hear you through the glass, dude.
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131. - Wow.
- Wow, what?
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132. It's true! You're back!
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133. - I'm so happy.
- You don't look happy.
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134. It's... I don't smile a whole lot,
and lately, when I try to, it hurts.
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135. - But trust me, I'm happy.
- Return of the king, huh?
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136. Yeah. I can't tell you how much
I've missed having you around...
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137. Jimmy, I'm really
not comfortable with that.
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138. Jimmy, downstairs.
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139. No problem. See you guys later.
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140. I'm gonna have to teach you
his command words.
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141. Awesome.
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142. Ow!
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143. I'm starving. There's a Coffee Bucks
up there, let's grab something.
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144. I've got it. The only way
that moment you had with Turk
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145. could have been any gayer
would be if you two went home
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146. and actually made love afterwards.
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147. J.D.: No, Elliot. Stop!
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148. You know I automatically picture
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149. any visual image
someone puts in my head.
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150. You can't do that. It's embarrassing.
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151. J.D.: But not as embarrassing as this.
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152. Dr. Kelso? Aren't you supposed
to be on vacation?
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153. Crap.
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154. Thanks for tagging in for me, Teddy.
I really need to ease myself back in.
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155. Mopping is not like riding a bike.
That's for sure.
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156. No problem.
Hey, Dr. Turk, did you see who's back?
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157. - Hey.
- I know, right?
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158. - Oh, that sucks.
- What?
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159. It's my kidney transplant patient.
His wife's not...
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160. I apologize. I said "what,"
but I meant "move it along."
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161. By the way, what happened
to the janitor they hired to replace you?
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162. We're going to have to let you go,
Marv. But, stiff upper lip.
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163. - I'm sorry, Dr. Itor.
- Call me Jan.
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164. - I heard he quit.
- Huh.
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165. Mopping's hard.
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166. You're working against yourself there.
Go faster.
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167. I bet you can't wait
to call all your friends
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168. and tell them how pathetic I am.
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169. Actually, sir, we young people
are more into texting these days.
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170. J.D., be sensitive.
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171. Don't act like you're at a ping-pong
match between a ninja and Bigfoot.
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172. I know that made no sense,
but he's totally there now in his head.
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173. Look at his eyes.
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174. - Look at that.
- He should be out for a while.
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175. I just have a lot more free time
than I thought.
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176. Enid and I were going to travel
all over the country,
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177. but we don't have the cash right now.
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178. Elliot, stop doing that!
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179. - Well, who won the ping-pong game?
- The Sasquatch.
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180. Then Turk and I took him to a carnival
to celebrate.
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181. Man, that hairy bastard
loves funnel cake.
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182. Amazing.
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183. J.D.: Now it's time to split before
he shares something so personal
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184. that we're trapped here forever.
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185. We should probably get going...
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186. The last thing I expected
was to be an old man
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187. with no idea what the hell to do
with his life.
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188. Tom, I'm sorry,
but Darcy was not a kidney match,
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189. so we need to get you
on the transplant list right away
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190. - so we can find a new donor.
- Wrong.
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191. - You didn't even hear what I told him.
- What did you tell him?
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192. - Well, I basically I told him...
- Wrong!
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193. Great news, folks. I had occasion
to speak with Dr. Quinlan here.
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194. Anyway, do you see his kidney
patient, Mr. Brinkley?
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195. It turns out that his wife
is not a donor match for him, either.
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196. And in the coincidence of the day,
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197. she is a match for you, sir, and you,
Mrs. Halford, are a match for him.
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198. We do the old switcheroo,
and everybody wins.
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199. So when would I get my new kidney?
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200. Mr. Brinkley has been on dialysis
for quite some time,
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201. so Darcy, we're going to have
to get him your kidney
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202. just as soon as possible.
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203. And Tom, we'll schedule your surgery
for next week.
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204. Look, Dr. Kelso,
leaving any job is tough.
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205. I remember when my cousin
got fired from her job.
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206. She was so depressed,
because it was the only salon in town
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207. and all she ever wanted to do
was cut hair.
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208. Here it comes.
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209. J.D.: Both Dr. Kelso and I had heard
enough of Elliot's inspirational stories
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210. to know that they invariably end
with someone killing themselves.
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211. But then she moved...
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212. Huh, maybe not.
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213. to a better place.
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214. Or maybe so.
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215. J.D.: Look, give yourself a little time.
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216. You'll figure out how to be happy.
I promise.
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217. I'm never ready for half the stuff
that people say.
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218. Whether it's an answer
you didn't expect...
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219. So how'd you get hired back?
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220. I didn't. Technically, I don't work here.
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221. a shocker from a patient...
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222. We've been talking,
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223. and we don't want to trade kidneys
with the Brinkleys.
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224. We'll go on the transplant list.
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225. or this.
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226. Thanks. I really appreciate
you two trying to cheer me up.
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227. Actually, that's wasn't unexpected,
but this was...
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228. Well, it's nice to see you two
dating again.
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229. J.D.: It was time to demand
an explanation.
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230. Why would you think we're dating?
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231. Why won't they do the kidney switch?
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232. If you weren't hired back,
why are you here working?
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233. I'm not. You are.
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234. J.D. And I are just friends, Dr. Kelso.
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235. I mean, we just like
hanging out together.
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236. We rent movies, go on hikes.
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237. On Sunday nights,
we do our laundry together.
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238. Did you know
that Elliot's granny panties
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239. are actually her granny's panties?
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240. It's just one pair, J.D.
Excuse me for being sentimental.
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241. So, basically, you two do everything
a normal couple does except have sex?
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242. Exactly.
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243. Sounds awesome.
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244. Pardon me.
I've had nine coffees in two hours.
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245. Time to drain.
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246. This is a new shirt.
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247. Hey, do you ever still think of me
in that way?
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248. What way?
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249. You know, in a sexual way.
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250. Sometimes.
Do you ever think of me that way?
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251. Sometimes. Put your shirt back on.
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252. I'm just flipping it
so you can't see the stain.
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253. J.D.: And then I finally said it.
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254. Do you think maybe
we should talk about us?
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255. Maybe we should.
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256. And just like that, it was as if
we were off in our own little world.
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257. My guy needs a kidney now.
Why wouldn't the Halfords say "yes"?
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258. Because they're in no rush.
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259. Plus, the Halfords
don't know the Brinkleys,
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260. so they don't trust them.
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261. We're screwed.
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262. Awesome.
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263. In The Todd's world, if anybody
gets screwed, it's a good thing.
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264. Of course it is.
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265. Look, I'm here
because I want to be here.
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266. But don't worry,
I'm gonna get my job back.
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267. Oh, good. What's your plan?
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268. I just told it to you. I'm here,
therefore I will get my job back.
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269. - You're making my head hurt.
- Now, we both know that's not me.
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270. That's from when you were a baby
and a marble fountain fell on you.
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271. Sometimes my mom kept my crib
in the driveway.
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272. Mine, too. But I've lived my life
by a very specific credo.
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273. "Everything works out for me."
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274. There is no way this works out for us.
The Halfords are stubborn people.
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275. I've got an idea.
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276. If the Halfords don't trust
the Brinkleys to come through for them,
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277. we can just
do the surgery simultaneously
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278. and take trust out as an issue.
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279. That guy is such a jerk.
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280. Don't worry, he can't hear me
through the glass.
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281. Do you want me to go first?
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282. Elliot, I've never been able
to get over the idea of us.
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283. I'm still crazy about you.
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284. I don't really know
what you want me to say.
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285. Maybe you could tell me
if you feel the same way.
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286. Yeah.
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287. Maybe you could say it
without sounding angry.
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288. But J.D., you crushed me.
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289. I mean, I gave you my love
and you threw it back in my face,
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290. and pretty much
scarred me romantically.
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291. I mean, now I'm doomed to a life
of gravitating to safe, boring guys
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292. who I don't really love,
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293. and I'm repelled by the ones
I care for deeply.
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294. - So thank you for that.
- Look, if it helps, you hurt me, too.
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295. Really?
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296. There were so many times
I wanted to be with you so badly,
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297. and you shot me down.
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298. Like when we first met,
or when you wanted to be sex buddies.
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299. Oh, yeah.
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300. But that's when I found work so
overwhelming, and I didn't want you...
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301. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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302. I'm sorry. We've just been down
this road so many times, you know?
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303. I mean, seriously,
doesn't even talking about it
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304. just make you hate yourself a little bit?
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305. I can't tell if I'm just doing
the normal amount of hating myself,
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306. or if I'm at a slightly higher level
of self-Ioathing.
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307. - You're too hard on yourself.
- No, I'm not.
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308. I'm just stupid and ugly
and I have a pig face.
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309. Do you think we're just back
here again because we're both Ionely
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310. and neither one of us has had
any physical contact for months?
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311. - I've had physical contact.
- With who?
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312. All the energy's in you.
I'm just opening the channels.
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313. There it is. There it is.
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314. I'd rather not talk about it.
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315. Looks like everybody got through
with flying colors.
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316. Well, congratulations there, Gandhi.
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317. Your ability to bring people together
is very powerful.
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318. Much like... Gandhi.
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319. That means a lot to me.
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320. Because I'm just so desperate
for your approval.
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321. What the... What's his problem?
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322. Is he still mad at me?
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323. Maybe. I can't be sure.
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324. You know, the Brinkleys never gave
the Halfords a reason to be skeptical.
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325. Life would be so much easier
if everybody just trusted each other.
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326. We have so much history,
most of it bad.
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327. Yeah.
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328. - How can we ever get past that?
- We can't.
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329. Oh, good. That makes me feel better.
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330. But maybe we can remember
all our pitfalls like a roadmap.
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331. Maybe this time
we can avoid all the drama.
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332. We don't have to be that couple
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333. where one of us says
they're moving out of town,
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334. the other one has to rush
to the airport to stop them.
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335. We don't have to argue about whether
or not we were "on a break."
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336. You watched that Friends marathon
last night, didn't you?
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337. I did. I loved it.
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338. The point is, Elliot, you're a lot stronger
than you used to be.
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339. I mean, I've changed, too.
I have a beard now.
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340. Do you still let that inner voice of yours
control you?
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341. J.D.: This is getting too serious.
Kick her! Kick her in the head!
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342. - Not as much.
- Hmm.
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343. Paycheck time, everyone.
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344. Come on, Whitney.
I like it when you do it like Oprah.
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345. Fine.
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346. Who wants to get a paycheck?
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347. You get a paycheck! You get
a paycheck! You get a paycheck!
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348. You gotta go, man.
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349. Everyone's gonna see when
she doesn't have a check for you.
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350. It'll be humiliating.
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351. Look, you can't just say things
are going to work out and then they do.
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352. That's not how the world...
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353. - Excuse me? I didn't get mine.
- Who are you?
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354. I'm the Janitor. See?
Actually, I'm the old janitor.
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355. I replaced the janitor that replaced me.
So... I'm still in the system.
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356. I'll go get you a check.
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357. Didn't mean to cut you off, Ted.
You were saying?
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358. Oh. Yeah, there you go. Mop it off.
Mop it off.
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359. Mrs. Winter, this is Dr. Turk.
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360. He's going to give you an exam
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361. and explain all your surgical options
to you.
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362. One second. Hey. You're leaving?
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363. Please don't make me
have second thoughts
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364. by asking very stupid questions.
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365. - So, what, you trust surgeons now?
- No. I trust you.
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366. I know we're talking, but it still feels
like we're being so careful, you know?
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367. We're just scared.
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368. I made so many mistakes in my life
because I was scared.
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369. It's the reason I bailed when you said
"I love you," it's the reason...
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370. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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371. Okay.
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372. But I am scared
of ending our friendship.
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373. What if I get hurt again?
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374. And what if you've picked up
a new STD?
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375. For the last time, that was not an STD.
It was a urinary tract infection,
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376. and I got it from having sex with you
in a pond.
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377. J.D.: Yeah, you did.
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378. I'll tell you what else
I don't want to deal with.
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379. - All the judgment from everyone else.
- Oh.
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380. Dr. Cox, Jordan, even Turk and Carla.
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381. I mean, it's almost enough of a reason
not to do anything.
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382. Hogwash!
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383. Excuse me?
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384. That ridiculous drivel you just said.
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385. Oh, but who am I to talk?
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386. Here I am eating some kind
of a banana-nut-sawdust muffin
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387. and hiding out in this crappy excuse
for a Coffee Bucks.
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388. Who the hell cares
what anybody else thinks?
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389. Just look into your heart and do
whatever the hell makes you happy.
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390. That's right, Ted, I'm back.
I love it here.
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391. Donny! Moist!
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392. J.D.: Elliot and I were tempted
to take Dr. Kelso's advice,
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393. because often
when you do what makes you happy,
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394. things have a way of working out.
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395. Actually, I normally get paid twice this.
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396. Hmm. My mistake. I'll be right back.
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397. J.D.: But it also occurred to us
that you can have the best intentions
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398. and still fall back into old habits.
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399. Shh. Get out of here.
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400. J.D.: So I guess the real answer is
that there is no easy answer.
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401. You just have to go for it or not.
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402. - This seems like a good idea.
- Who cares?
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403. I'm just gonna need to engage my legs.
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404. - Okay.
- All right.
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405. - Oh!
- This is just to brace you. Right? Right?
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406. You're a wizard.
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407. We just gotta work this out.
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408. Let it flow out.
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409. Let it flow out.
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410. And cut!
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411. - You like that, don't you?
- Yeah, I... God help me, Jimmy. I do.
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412. There it is. Let it go.
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413. - Deeper, please.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
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