1. J.D.: Life's great.Copy !req
2. With the Janitor fired,
I can walk the halls without fear.Copy !req
3. I don't even hesitate
around corners anymore.Copy !req
4. But maybe I should.Copy !req
5. L-can-feel-little-J.D. Five?Copy !req
6. - No thanks, Todd.
- But I can and I want my five.Copy !req
7. Plus, Elliot and I were better friends
than we'd been in a long time.Copy !req
8. We were going to movies.Copy !req
9. I really liked that.Copy !req
10. Oprah produced it.Copy !req
11. We were going out to dinner.Copy !req
12. My salmon was great.Copy !req
13. You know, Oprah owns that restaurant.Copy !req
14. And on weekends when I had Sam,
she even came over for breakfast.Copy !req
15. I could make pancakes,
or we can have Oprah O's.Copy !req
16. And check this out.Copy !req
17. Who wants to eat some cereal?Copy !req
18. - That's funny.
- J.D.: That's it?Copy !req
19. Not only did I rig this box,Copy !req
20. but I got Whitney in Payroll
to tape her Oprah voice.Copy !req
21. I've been working on this joke
for over a week,Copy !req
22. and all you can muster
is a little chuckle?Copy !req
23. - Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop.Copy !req
24. - Who wants to eat some cereal?
- It's broken.Copy !req
25. - Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop it!Copy !req
26. - Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop, stupid box!Copy !req
27. Okay, so I'm gonna
add a little pressure now, sir.Copy !req
28. That's all right. It's perfectly natural.Copy !req
29. That was you.Copy !req
30. Yeah, I know.
But it's still perfectly natural.Copy !req
31. Lovely.Copy !req
32. It's your own fault.Copy !req
33. You're the only attending
who sticks around for an entire examCopy !req
34. when he calls for a surgical consult.Copy !req
35. - Why is that?
- No reason.Copy !req
36. Oh, so you don't want to say?
That's cool.Copy !req
37. I know you hate
that I call Carla "baby" all the time,Copy !req
38. so I'll just call you "baby"
until you tell me.Copy !req
39. - Does that sound good, baby?
- Don't do that.Copy !req
40. Oh, what's the matter, baby?Copy !req
41. Look, surgeons always
want to slice people open,Copy !req
42. whether it's the best option or not.Copy !req
43. No disrespect,
but you're just not that bright.Copy !req
44. You have no idea
how to do anything else.Copy !req
45. Unfortunately, sick people
are also very, very stupid,Copy !req
46. and will almost always
agree to anythingCopy !req
47. that a bloodletting corpse carpenter,Copy !req
48. such as yourself, tells them.Copy !req
49. I simply stay in the room to make sure
they make the right choice.Copy !req
50. So you don't trust me?Copy !req
51. Oh, that's right.
That is an easier way to say it.Copy !req
52. Baby! Baby!Copy !req
53. There he is. Right on schedule.Copy !req
54. J.D.: Maybe it was the
free muffins for life,Copy !req
55. but Dr. Kelso still hangs out here
every day.Copy !req
56. Morning, everybody.Copy !req
57. - Morning, Bob.
- Morning, Bob.Copy !req
58. I'm like Norm in this bitch.Copy !req
59. Ted finally said
what we were all thinking.Copy !req
60. Why are you spending your retirementCopy !req
61. hanging around the place
you used to work?Copy !req
62. It's so sad.Copy !req
63. By comparison,
it almost makes my life seem...Copy !req
64. No, still sad.Copy !req
65. Yeah.Copy !req
66. Seriously, don't you have anything
better to do?Copy !req
67. Come on, people.
I've got tons of stuff going on.Copy !req
68. I golf, I play gin with the boys.Copy !req
69. In fact, I am just here
to stock up on muffins.Copy !req
70. Donny, four roadies, please.Copy !req
71. Today, Enid and I are leaving
to go spend a week in the wine country.Copy !req
72. Of course, you know
how Enid complains.Copy !req
73. Anyplace I take her is whine country.Copy !req
74. Thank you, thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
75. Anyway, keep my table warm. Adiós.Copy !req
76. What are you doing?Copy !req
77. Oh, that's the sound I hear in my head
whenever people leave.Copy !req
78. Whatever.
I will see you after work.Copy !req
79. You should really hesitate
before going around corners.Copy !req
80. I was thinking that earlier.Copy !req
81. Hey, since that chief-doctor person
that fired me is gone, I'm back.Copy !req
82. - Yay.
- I knew you'd react that way.Copy !req
83. And since Jimmy, the overly-touchy
orderly, got his job back, too,Copy !req
84. I took the liberty of telling him
how much you missed him.Copy !req
85. - Hey! I missed you, too. What's new?
- Oh, nothing, man. Good...Copy !req
86. - You seem a little clenched.
- Well...Copy !req
87. Uh-oh. Found a treasure trove.Copy !req
88. Where's the gold?Copy !req
89. - Take my little pickax and get to it!
- Okay, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
90. - Giggle worm!
- Okay. Okay.Copy !req
91. - Squiggle worm!
- I'll get my own gold. Thank you.Copy !req
92. Okay. Welcome back.Copy !req
93. Why?Copy !req
94. I can't do this all on my ownCopy !req
95. No, I knowCopy !req
96. I'm no SupermanCopy !req
97. I'm no SupermanCopy !req
98. - See you later, buddy.
- Hey, have a good one, guys.Copy !req
99. No, wait. Something's wrong.
What is it?Copy !req
100. It's Dr. Cox.
He's all up in my business. And...Copy !req
101. Dr. Cox!Copy !req
102. Hang in there, Bear.Copy !req
103. How did you know that he was hurting?Copy !req
104. Did you, like, hear it in his voice?Copy !req
105. With Turk, I can always feel it
from his soul, like a wave of heat.Copy !req
106. Are you gonna make a joke
about how gay that sounds?Copy !req
107. Definitely.
I just don't have the words yet.Copy !req
108. Well, let me know.Copy !req
109. Hello, folks. I'm Dr. Christopher Turk.Copy !req
110. You're right so far. Continue.Copy !req
111. Mr. Halford, Dr. Cox tells me
that you're in need of a new kidney,Copy !req
112. and I understand your wife
wants to be the donor.Copy !req
113. So what do you say we run some tests
and see if she's a match, okay?Copy !req
114. Dr. Cox said you're
the best surgeon here, so I'm fine.Copy !req
115. - Right on. See you guys later.
- Okay.Copy !req
116. Now, I don't understand.
If I'm the best surgeon here,Copy !req
117. how come you're always
looking over my shoulder?Copy !req
118. Oh, give me a break, would you?Copy !req
119. Saying someone is "the best surgeon"Copy !req
120. is like saying someone is the
smartest cast member of The Hills.Copy !req
121. Let's face it. It's just not that tough
to float to the top of the surgical toilet.Copy !req
122. Take your fellow cutter, The Todd.Copy !req
123. Now, he is also deemed competent
enough to perform a kidney transplantCopy !req
124. on that gentleman right there.Copy !req
125. Yet observe.Copy !req
126. - Say Todd, what's for lunch today?
- Not sure, bro.Copy !req
127. This time I'll just move my lips
as if I'm speaking,Copy !req
128. and his tiny surgeon brain will tell himCopy !req
129. the glass is now just too darn thick
to hear through.Copy !req
130. Can't hear you through the glass, dude.Copy !req
131. - Wow.
- Wow, what?Copy !req
132. It's true! You're back!Copy !req
133. - I'm so happy.
- You don't look happy.Copy !req
134. It's... I don't smile a whole lot,
and lately, when I try to, it hurts.Copy !req
135. - But trust me, I'm happy.
- Return of the king, huh?Copy !req
136. Yeah. I can't tell you how much
I've missed having you around...Copy !req
137. Jimmy, I'm really
not comfortable with that.Copy !req
138. Jimmy, downstairs.Copy !req
139. No problem. See you guys later.Copy !req
140. I'm gonna have to teach you
his command words.Copy !req
141. Awesome.Copy !req
142. Ow!Copy !req
143. I'm starving. There's a Coffee Bucks
up there, let's grab something.Copy !req
144. I've got it. The only way
that moment you had with TurkCopy !req
145. could have been any gayer
would be if you two went homeCopy !req
146. and actually made love afterwards.Copy !req
147. J.D.: No, Elliot. Stop!Copy !req
148. You know I automatically pictureCopy !req
149. any visual image
someone puts in my head.Copy !req
150. You can't do that. It's embarrassing.Copy !req
151. J.D.: But not as embarrassing as this.Copy !req
152. Dr. Kelso? Aren't you supposed
to be on vacation?Copy !req
153. Crap.Copy !req
154. Thanks for tagging in for me, Teddy.
I really need to ease myself back in.Copy !req
155. Mopping is not like riding a bike.
That's for sure.Copy !req
156. No problem.
Hey, Dr. Turk, did you see who's back?Copy !req
157. - Hey.
- I know, right?Copy !req
158. - Oh, that sucks.
- What?Copy !req
159. It's my kidney transplant patient.
His wife's not...Copy !req
160. I apologize. I said "what,"
but I meant "move it along."Copy !req
161. By the way, what happened
to the janitor they hired to replace you?Copy !req
162. We're going to have to let you go,
Marv. But, stiff upper lip.Copy !req
163. - I'm sorry, Dr. Itor.
- Call me Jan.Copy !req
164. - I heard he quit.
- Huh.Copy !req
165. Mopping's hard.Copy !req
166. You're working against yourself there.
Go faster.Copy !req
167. I bet you can't wait
to call all your friendsCopy !req
168. and tell them how pathetic I am.Copy !req
169. Actually, sir, we young people
are more into texting these days.Copy !req
170. J.D., be sensitive.Copy !req
171. Don't act like you're at a ping-pong
match between a ninja and Bigfoot.Copy !req
172. I know that made no sense,
but he's totally there now in his head.Copy !req
173. Look at his eyes.Copy !req
174. - Look at that.
- He should be out for a while.Copy !req
175. I just have a lot more free time
than I thought.Copy !req
176. Enid and I were going to travel
all over the country,Copy !req
177. but we don't have the cash right now.Copy !req
178. Elliot, stop doing that!Copy !req
179. - Well, who won the ping-pong game?
- The Sasquatch.Copy !req
180. Then Turk and I took him to a carnival
to celebrate.Copy !req
181. Man, that hairy bastard
loves funnel cake.Copy !req
182. Amazing.Copy !req
183. J.D.: Now it's time to split before
he shares something so personalCopy !req
184. that we're trapped here forever.Copy !req
185. We should probably get going...Copy !req
186. The last thing I expected
was to be an old manCopy !req
187. with no idea what the hell to do
with his life.Copy !req
188. Tom, I'm sorry,
but Darcy was not a kidney match,Copy !req
189. so we need to get you
on the transplant list right awayCopy !req
190. - so we can find a new donor.
- Wrong.Copy !req
191. - You didn't even hear what I told him.
- What did you tell him?Copy !req
192. - Well, I basically I told him...
- Wrong!Copy !req
193. Great news, folks. I had occasion
to speak with Dr. Quinlan here.Copy !req
194. Anyway, do you see his kidney
patient, Mr. Brinkley?Copy !req
195. It turns out that his wife
is not a donor match for him, either.Copy !req
196. And in the coincidence of the day,Copy !req
197. she is a match for you, sir, and you,
Mrs. Halford, are a match for him.Copy !req
198. We do the old switcheroo,
and everybody wins.Copy !req
199. So when would I get my new kidney?Copy !req
200. Mr. Brinkley has been on dialysis
for quite some time,Copy !req
201. so Darcy, we're going to have
to get him your kidneyCopy !req
202. just as soon as possible.Copy !req
203. And Tom, we'll schedule your surgery
for next week.Copy !req
204. Look, Dr. Kelso,
leaving any job is tough.Copy !req
205. I remember when my cousin
got fired from her job.Copy !req
206. She was so depressed,
because it was the only salon in townCopy !req
207. and all she ever wanted to do
was cut hair.Copy !req
208. Here it comes.Copy !req
209. J.D.: Both Dr. Kelso and I had heard
enough of Elliot's inspirational storiesCopy !req
210. to know that they invariably end
with someone killing themselves.Copy !req
211. But then she moved...Copy !req
212. Huh, maybe not.Copy !req
213. to a better place.Copy !req
214. Or maybe so.Copy !req
215. J.D.: Look, give yourself a little time.Copy !req
216. You'll figure out how to be happy.
I promise.Copy !req
217. I'm never ready for half the stuff
that people say.Copy !req
218. Whether it's an answer
you didn't expect...Copy !req
219. So how'd you get hired back?Copy !req
220. I didn't. Technically, I don't work here.Copy !req
221. a shocker from a patient...Copy !req
222. We've been talking,Copy !req
223. and we don't want to trade kidneys
with the Brinkleys.Copy !req
224. We'll go on the transplant list.Copy !req
225. or this.Copy !req
226. Thanks. I really appreciate
you two trying to cheer me up.Copy !req
227. Actually, that's wasn't unexpected,
but this was...Copy !req
228. Well, it's nice to see you two
dating again.Copy !req
229. J.D.: It was time to demand
an explanation.Copy !req
230. Why would you think we're dating?Copy !req
231. Why won't they do the kidney switch?Copy !req
232. If you weren't hired back,
why are you here working?Copy !req
233. I'm not. You are.Copy !req
234. J.D. And I are just friends, Dr. Kelso.Copy !req
235. I mean, we just like
hanging out together.Copy !req
236. We rent movies, go on hikes.Copy !req
237. On Sunday nights,
we do our laundry together.Copy !req
238. Did you know
that Elliot's granny pantiesCopy !req
239. are actually her granny's panties?Copy !req
240. It's just one pair, J.D.
Excuse me for being sentimental.Copy !req
241. So, basically, you two do everything
a normal couple does except have sex?Copy !req
242. Exactly.Copy !req
243. Sounds awesome.Copy !req
244. Pardon me.
I've had nine coffees in two hours.Copy !req
245. Time to drain.Copy !req
246. This is a new shirt.Copy !req
247. Hey, do you ever still think of me
in that way?Copy !req
248. What way?Copy !req
249. You know, in a sexual way.Copy !req
250. Sometimes.
Do you ever think of me that way?Copy !req
251. Sometimes. Put your shirt back on.Copy !req
252. I'm just flipping it
so you can't see the stain.Copy !req
253. J.D.: And then I finally said it.Copy !req
254. Do you think maybe
we should talk about us?Copy !req
255. Maybe we should.Copy !req
256. And just like that, it was as if
we were off in our own little world.Copy !req
257. My guy needs a kidney now.
Why wouldn't the Halfords say "yes"?Copy !req
258. Because they're in no rush.Copy !req
259. Plus, the Halfords
don't know the Brinkleys,Copy !req
260. so they don't trust them.Copy !req
261. We're screwed.Copy !req
262. Awesome.Copy !req
263. In The Todd's world, if anybody
gets screwed, it's a good thing.Copy !req
264. Of course it is.Copy !req
265. Look, I'm here
because I want to be here.Copy !req
266. But don't worry,
I'm gonna get my job back.Copy !req
267. Oh, good. What's your plan?Copy !req
268. I just told it to you. I'm here,
therefore I will get my job back.Copy !req
269. - You're making my head hurt.
- Now, we both know that's not me.Copy !req
270. That's from when you were a baby
and a marble fountain fell on you.Copy !req
271. Sometimes my mom kept my crib
in the driveway.Copy !req
272. Mine, too. But I've lived my life
by a very specific credo.Copy !req
273. "Everything works out for me."Copy !req
274. There is no way this works out for us.
The Halfords are stubborn people.Copy !req
275. I've got an idea.Copy !req
276. If the Halfords don't trust
the Brinkleys to come through for them,Copy !req
277. we can just
do the surgery simultaneouslyCopy !req
278. and take trust out as an issue.Copy !req
279. That guy is such a jerk.Copy !req
280. Don't worry, he can't hear me
through the glass.Copy !req
281. Do you want me to go first?Copy !req
282. Elliot, I've never been able
to get over the idea of us.Copy !req
283. I'm still crazy about you.Copy !req
284. I don't really know
what you want me to say.Copy !req
285. Maybe you could tell me
if you feel the same way.Copy !req
286. Yeah.Copy !req
287. Maybe you could say it
without sounding angry.Copy !req
288. But J.D., you crushed me.Copy !req
289. I mean, I gave you my love
and you threw it back in my face,Copy !req
290. and pretty much
scarred me romantically.Copy !req
291. I mean, now I'm doomed to a life
of gravitating to safe, boring guysCopy !req
292. who I don't really love,Copy !req
293. and I'm repelled by the ones
I care for deeply.Copy !req
294. - So thank you for that.
- Look, if it helps, you hurt me, too.Copy !req
295. Really?Copy !req
296. There were so many times
I wanted to be with you so badly,Copy !req
297. and you shot me down.Copy !req
298. Like when we first met,
or when you wanted to be sex buddies.Copy !req
299. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
300. But that's when I found work so
overwhelming, and I didn't want you...Copy !req
301. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
302. I'm sorry. We've just been down
this road so many times, you know?Copy !req
303. I mean, seriously,
doesn't even talking about itCopy !req
304. just make you hate yourself a little bit?Copy !req
305. I can't tell if I'm just doing
the normal amount of hating myself,Copy !req
306. or if I'm at a slightly higher level
of self-Ioathing.Copy !req
307. - You're too hard on yourself.
- No, I'm not.Copy !req
308. I'm just stupid and ugly
and I have a pig face.Copy !req
309. Do you think we're just back
here again because we're both IonelyCopy !req
310. and neither one of us has had
any physical contact for months?Copy !req
311. - I've had physical contact.
- With who?Copy !req
312. All the energy's in you.
I'm just opening the channels.Copy !req
313. There it is. There it is.Copy !req
314. I'd rather not talk about it.Copy !req
315. Looks like everybody got through
with flying colors.Copy !req
316. Well, congratulations there, Gandhi.Copy !req
317. Your ability to bring people together
is very powerful.Copy !req
318. Much like... Gandhi.Copy !req
319. That means a lot to me.Copy !req
320. Because I'm just so desperate
for your approval.Copy !req
321. What the... What's his problem?Copy !req
322. Is he still mad at me?Copy !req
323. Maybe. I can't be sure.Copy !req
324. You know, the Brinkleys never gave
the Halfords a reason to be skeptical.Copy !req
325. Life would be so much easier
if everybody just trusted each other.Copy !req
326. We have so much history,
most of it bad.Copy !req
327. Yeah.Copy !req
328. - How can we ever get past that?
- We can't.Copy !req
329. Oh, good. That makes me feel better.Copy !req
330. But maybe we can remember
all our pitfalls like a roadmap.Copy !req
331. Maybe this time
we can avoid all the drama.Copy !req
332. We don't have to be that coupleCopy !req
333. where one of us says
they're moving out of town,Copy !req
334. the other one has to rush
to the airport to stop them.Copy !req
335. We don't have to argue about whether
or not we were "on a break."Copy !req
336. You watched that Friends marathon
last night, didn't you?Copy !req
337. I did. I loved it.Copy !req
338. The point is, Elliot, you're a lot stronger
than you used to be.Copy !req
339. I mean, I've changed, too.
I have a beard now.Copy !req
340. Do you still let that inner voice of yours
control you?Copy !req
341. J.D.: This is getting too serious.
Kick her! Kick her in the head!Copy !req
342. - Not as much.
- Hmm.Copy !req
343. Paycheck time, everyone.Copy !req
344. Come on, Whitney.
I like it when you do it like Oprah.Copy !req
345. Fine.Copy !req
346. Who wants to get a paycheck?Copy !req
347. You get a paycheck! You get
a paycheck! You get a paycheck!Copy !req
348. You gotta go, man.Copy !req
349. Everyone's gonna see when
she doesn't have a check for you.Copy !req
350. It'll be humiliating.Copy !req
351. Look, you can't just say things
are going to work out and then they do.Copy !req
352. That's not how the world...Copy !req
353. - Excuse me? I didn't get mine.
- Who are you?Copy !req
354. I'm the Janitor. See?
Actually, I'm the old janitor.Copy !req
355. I replaced the janitor that replaced me.
So... I'm still in the system.Copy !req
356. I'll go get you a check.Copy !req
357. Didn't mean to cut you off, Ted.
You were saying?Copy !req
358. Oh. Yeah, there you go. Mop it off.
Mop it off.Copy !req
359. Mrs. Winter, this is Dr. Turk.Copy !req
360. He's going to give you an examCopy !req
361. and explain all your surgical options
to you.Copy !req
362. One second. Hey. You're leaving?Copy !req
363. Please don't make me
have second thoughtsCopy !req
364. by asking very stupid questions.Copy !req
365. - So, what, you trust surgeons now?
- No. I trust you.Copy !req
366. I know we're talking, but it still feels
like we're being so careful, you know?Copy !req
367. We're just scared.Copy !req
368. I made so many mistakes in my life
because I was scared.Copy !req
369. It's the reason I bailed when you said
"I love you," it's the reason...Copy !req
370. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
371. Okay.Copy !req
372. But I am scared
of ending our friendship.Copy !req
373. What if I get hurt again?Copy !req
374. And what if you've picked up
a new STD?Copy !req
375. For the last time, that was not an STD.
It was a urinary tract infection,Copy !req
376. and I got it from having sex with you
in a pond.Copy !req
377. J.D.: Yeah, you did.Copy !req
378. I'll tell you what else
I don't want to deal with.Copy !req
379. - All the judgment from everyone else.
- Oh.Copy !req
380. Dr. Cox, Jordan, even Turk and Carla.Copy !req
381. I mean, it's almost enough of a reason
not to do anything.Copy !req
382. Hogwash!Copy !req
383. Excuse me?Copy !req
384. That ridiculous drivel you just said.Copy !req
385. Oh, but who am I to talk?Copy !req
386. Here I am eating some kind
of a banana-nut-sawdust muffinCopy !req
387. and hiding out in this crappy excuse
for a Coffee Bucks.Copy !req
388. Who the hell cares
what anybody else thinks?Copy !req
389. Just look into your heart and do
whatever the hell makes you happy.Copy !req
390. That's right, Ted, I'm back.
I love it here.Copy !req
391. Donny! Moist!Copy !req
392. J.D.: Elliot and I were tempted
to take Dr. Kelso's advice,Copy !req
393. because often
when you do what makes you happy,Copy !req
394. things have a way of working out.Copy !req
395. Actually, I normally get paid twice this.Copy !req
396. Hmm. My mistake. I'll be right back.Copy !req
397. J.D.: But it also occurred to us
that you can have the best intentionsCopy !req
398. and still fall back into old habits.Copy !req
399. Shh. Get out of here.Copy !req
400. J.D.: So I guess the real answer is
that there is no easy answer.Copy !req
401. You just have to go for it or not.Copy !req
402. - This seems like a good idea.
- Who cares?Copy !req
403. I'm just gonna need to engage my legs.Copy !req
404. - Okay.
- All right.Copy !req
405. - Oh!
- This is just to brace you. Right? Right?Copy !req
406. You're a wizard.Copy !req
407. We just gotta work this out.Copy !req
408. Let it flow out.Copy !req
409. Let it flow out.Copy !req
410. And cut!Copy !req
411. - You like that, don't you?
- Yeah, I... God help me, Jimmy. I do.Copy !req
412. There it is. Let it go.Copy !req
413. - Deeper, please.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.Copy !req