Scrubs 8x2

1. Hi. I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back here.

2. I'm the Chief of Medicine.

3. I'm the Chief of Slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.

4. That's very clever.

5. Being clever is not how I got the job. Smacking slags is.

6. J.D.: Unfortunately for Jordan,

7. Dr. Maddox can zero in on someone's biggest insecurity.

8. You're old.

9. J.D.: See, she was an odd combination of super-friendly...

10. Hey, rock star.

11. and soulless.

12. This guy's insurance only covers three days of ICU care,

13. so we've got to get him out of here today, okay?

14. You know what? I'll take care of it.

15. You know what I did for the first time last week?

16. Windsurfing.

17. By the way, it's really hard.

18. I wouldn't know about that.

19. Trust me, it is.

20. This guy.

21. Die!

22. Why won't you die?

23. Treat them and street them.

24. J.D.: And she wasn't the only woman driving me crazy.

25. Listen, Jo, medically speaking, your performance is outstanding.

26. But you're not great with your patients.

27. Watch Ed. See, he develops a rapport.

28. Now, I know Ed's not perfect...

29. Matrix. All three movies, one house.

30. - You in? - Sure.

31. Sorry, no room.

32. For starters, I heard he smokes plants.

33. Still, I need you to connect with your patients, okay?

34. If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.

35. Yo, Mr. Harris. It sucks you'll never walk again.

36. MR. Hell, yeah, it does.

37. - Better, right? - No. No, Jo. He lost his feet.

38. J.D.: I don't have time for Jo,

39. because once a year, Turk and I go to a great steakhouse

40. and have the most bromantic night ever.

41. - Dude. - J.D.: And that magical evening

42. was finally here.

43. - Steak night! - Steak night!

44. Give me some of that.

45. How come I don't know about that super-tight new greeting?

46. Steak night!

47. It's not a greeting, Ed.

48. It is now. Shawn.

49. - Steak night! - Steak night!

50. How does he start things so quickly?

51. He's very talented.

52. May your mushrooms always be sautéed

53. and your onions always be grilled.

54. Gravy, fellows.

55. - Gravy, Ed. - Creamed spinach, yo.

56. - No. - Okay.

57. I can't do this all on my own

58. No, I know

59. I'm no Superman

60. I'm no Superman

61. Dude, you've seen the new administrative assistant?

62. J.D.: For some reason, whenever I see a pretty girl for the first time,

63. I always imagine her hair blowing in slow-mo.

64. Unfortunately, Turk knows this,

65. so I have to snap out of it before he messes with me.

66. Too slow.

67. Dude, I almost had you.

68. Well, score one for J. Dizzle.

69. Hot-dog pen! Count it, honky-face.

70. Listen, you shouldn't be wasting your calories on hot dogs, anyway.

71. For God's sake, steak night is five minutes away.

72. Hey. Shall we sing?

73. J.D.: The steak night song was to be sung every steak night,

74. and had been for the last decade.

75. - All clear. - J.D.: The dance was new.

76. We're going to steak night we're gonna eat it right

77. Steak is such a treat it is the world's best meat

78. We're going to steak night we're gonna eat it right

79. - Excuse me. Doctors? - Come on!

80. - What is your problem, lady? - What the heck, yo? Listen to me.

81. - We let you do your thing. - You don't interrupt.

82. - All right, calm down. Calm down. - You don't...

83. We'll finish in the bathroom at the restaurant.

84. I'm so sorry, could one of you change the I.V. In 103?

85. Mmm.

86. Nothing like the taste of fresh bag.

87. I just picked it this morning.

88. The only thing that would make it any better

89. is if it was being hooked up by that foxy little dish over there.

90. Damn my psyche.

91. So, Mr. Valentine...

92. Call me George.

93. George, what are you in for?

94. J.D.: We think of hospitals as places where people go to heal,

95. but they're also places where people go to die.

96. And George was definitely going soon.

97. Ischemic bowel disease. I'm so sorry.

98. Hey, I've lived to 70 plus years,

99. I've had a great old time while I was here.

100. J.D.: He's over 70? Black people have the greatest skin.

101. - No. - But honestly,

102. I don't know why people are so afraid of dying.

103. Tell me about it.

104. When you're around death as much as we are,

105. you kind of lose your fear of it.

106. It's one of the benefits of working here.

107. Look, we're on our way out to dinner,

108. but is there anything we can get you before we go?

109. I'd kill for a cigar.

110. You know, I'm dying and I'm not allowed to have a cigar?

111. What do the nurses think is gonna happen?

112. They're probably thinking you could accidentally ignite that oxygen tank

113. and it'll blow up the whole ICU, pretty much killing everybody here.

114. How about a beer?

115. I'm just saying. Who behaves that way at a mini-mart?

116. I'm sorry, Turk, but when I put that single beer down on the counter,

117. and the 18-year-old check-out kid is like, "Oh, big night?"

118. It just pissed me off, you know?

119. - I mean, who is he to judge us? - Yeah.

120. He needs to know we're not two lame-o's with nothing going on.

121. So that's why you bought the box of condoms and the flare gun?

122. Exactly. Now, whenever he thinks of us,

123. he'll picture us splitting a beer, sexing up the ladies

124. and shooting off flares. You know, like men do.

125. - That does sound pretty awesome. - I knew you'd come around.

126. You're good at that. You're good at that.

127. Incoming!

128. Hey, guys.

129. I assume you've already met my sharp young lawyer

130. who's gonna help me with my will?

131. You said I could help you. All this work for nothing.

132. Ted. Ted! He means you.

133. Man. I did this on my typewriter.

134. I'll be back in 11 hours.

135. Mmm.

136. Oh, God, that tastes good.

137. You guys gonna join me, right?

138. They kind of frown on doctors drinking beer around here.

139. And plus, I'm allergic to barley.

140. Wait. I've seen you drink beer before.

141. And every time I did, I had to have an antihistamine first.

142. - I don't remember that. - Fine, Turk. I'll tell George the truth.

143. Even though I'm a man, I don't like beer.

144. I prefer appletinis, they make me feel fancy.

145. There. You hurt and embarrassed me.

146. - Are you happy? - Little bit.

147. Guys, don't you have a dinner to go to?

148. George, don't worry, there's no rush.

149. No, no. Don't you stick around on my account.

150. Come on now, I've got family coming pretty soon. I'm fine.

151. J.D.: And then I said the only thing I could think of

152. to a man who might not be here tomorrow.

153. It was nice to meet you, George.

154. Yes, it was.

155. You, too.

156. We're going to steak night We're gonna eat it right

157. Ted, three-part harmony.

158. Steak is such a treat it is the world's best meat

159. Big finish.

160. Steak night!

161. Hot dang, just like a choir.

162. Hey, are you working on George's will? Can you make two copies?

163. We need one for his family, they're headed down here.

164. Family?

165. He's leaving all his stuff to charity. He doesn't have any family.

166. Not G!

167. - Why would George lie? - I have no idea.

168. So he's all alone.

169. Well, what do you want to do?

170. We're going to steak night, and damn it, we're going to eat it right.

171. And I'd prefer it if you put your hand right there, buddy.

172. Yeah, but he likes to be here.

173. J.D.: I know it seems callous to leave,

174. but whoever takes care of George tonight

175. will be just as compassionate as us.

176. Mr. Valentine, I'm Dr. Mahoney.

177. My attending really wants me to connect with my patients,

178. so if it's okay with you,

179. I thought I'd get the ball rolling with a personal story.

180. Okay. You can call me George.

181. Awesome. I'm feeling it.

182. So George, last Friday I'm at a bar,

183. I take this guy home. He's a little fat, whatever, right?

184. Plus, chubsters are so grateful they usually try harder.

185. Anyway, right in the middle of things

186. he's sweating and snorting like a hairy rhino

187. and I just start to hate myself. Like really, really hate myself.

188. So without even thinking, I just head-butt him right in the face.

189. Bam, clock him between the eyes, knock him out cold.

190. So that's what I got. What do you got going on?

191. I like golf.

192. J.D.: When you get down to it,

193. taking care of a patient means more than anything.

194. Even steak night.

195. - Hey, George. - We'll take it from here, chuckles.

196. Yeah. So long.

197. I think I just saw the devil.

198. So, what happened to dinner?

199. J.D.: We didn't want George to feel like he was a burden,

200. so we had to come up with a great excuse.

201. A giant oak tree fell on the restaurant.

202. - What restaurant? - Steak Cooker's.

203. - Maestro's. - Maestro's.

204. Man, I used to eat there all the time.

205. J.D.: Turk's upset because he thinks when George gets out of here,

206. he'll drive to Maestro's and see that we lied.

207. Now he's relieved, because he remembered

208. that George is about to die and he's never leaving here.

209. And now he feels guilty for thinking that thought

210. and he wants to punish himself physically,

211. but he can't, because we're with a patient.

212. Dude, what the hell?

213. You wanted me to do that. You know it.

214. Okay, fine. Thank you.

215. So, George, why did you lie about your family coming to visit you?

216. I'm a grown man. I don't need anybody to hold my hand.

217. Besides, you guys have better things to do.

218. Hell, you don't even know me.

219. J.D.: But right then, we did know George.

220. He was a proud guy

221. who didn't want us to see how scared he really was.

222. We knew what we had to do.

223. We were going to get him past his fear of dying.

224. Step 1. Get to know him.

225. So no family, huh?

226. My wife died years ago.

227. - Any kids? - Nope.

228. J.D.: It was like pulling teeth.

229. And what did you guys do for a living?

230. Barbara taught history. I coached football.

231. I played football. Yeah, defense. Safety.

232. You?

233. Oh, no. I didn't...

234. I didn't play sports, per se, George.

235. I was the mascot for the girls' volleyball team.

236. Really? You wear a costume?

237. Great costume. I wore a bandana and a half shirt.

238. At away games I wore spurs.

239. Which in retrospect is sort of weird, 'cause we weren't the Cowboys.

240. You must've looked very beautiful.

241. I felt beautiful.

242. Guys, a quick word?

243. Look, if you want to hang out with patients after your shifts are over,

244. you have to change into your streets.

245. - Yes, ma'am. - Okay.

246. Can we go? Cougars only drink free till 9:00.

247. - What about MILFs? - Oh! I'd forgot I had kids.

248. J.D.: Step two, just keep babbling until he finally opens up.

249. I don't know how I want to go,

250. but I do know what I want done with my remains.

251. Are you really comfortable watching TV like this?

252. Is it Rowdy?

253. No.

254. Is it J. D?

255. Yes.

256. You'll get used to it.

257. Pretzel?

258. You've got to stop bringing him into our bedroom.

259. I'll teach you how to do my hair.

260. I already know how to do your hair.

261. It's not an Afro, Turk. You can't just pick it.

262. Oh, man.

263. Did you just make a noise, George?

264. Come on, George. Talk to us.

265. I'll tell you one thing,

266. I sure didn't think I'd go like this.

267. J.D.: Now that George was talking,

268. he went to the question everyone goes to first.

269. So tell me, do you think there's anything after this life?

270. Definitely.

271. He already has our first day in heaven planned out.

272. We'll start with a dip in the milkshake pool,

273. then we'll work our way over to the cloud

274. where beautiful women spend quality time with one another.

275. You know, in a special way.

276. Like a lesbian cloud?

277. Not like a lesbian cloud, George. An actual cloud full of lesbians.

278. I just hope I die before my wife so I can have some fun up there.

279. J.D.: When Carla dies, heaven is going to suck.

280. That's all very nice, but we can't know for sure.

281. I know for sure.

282. I'm a man of faith, George.

283. I've seen people come back from the brink of death.

284. And you'd be surprised how many of them say the same thing.

285. They saw a white light

286. and were overcome with a feeling of peace.

287. That's what comforts me.

288. Hey, Mr. Valentine,

289. I re-did your will on a computer.

290. And to make it less depressing, I used a fun font.

291. Really, Ted? A fun font?

292. I like seeing my name in squigglies.

293. Oh, yeah! That's the font!

294. Recognize!

295. - What's happening? - It's this new thing Ed came up with.

296. When you disrespect someone and they in turn burn your ass,

297. you must recognize.

298. Fine, Ted, I... I recognize.

299. Hell, yeah!

300. - Hell, yeah! - Hell, yeah!

301. - I hate Ed. - I know.

302. Hard to believe.

303. My whole life boils down to these four pages.

304. I wonder if anybody will remember me.

305. Come on, George.

306. When my dad died,

307. I thought my brother and I were gonna be the only two to remember him.

308. I was totally wrong.

309. When we were growing up,

310. there was this one homeless guy in our town.

311. We used to call him Mr. Longbeard-Stinkypants.

312. Because he had this really long beard and his pants...

313. He gets it.

314. They were stinky.

315. Anyway, every time we went out to dinner,

316. my father would make us give him our leftovers.

317. My mom hated that. She used to be like,

318. "He's just going to use

319. those pork chops for drugs."

320. My mom drank a lot.

321. The point is, a couple of months ago, I went home,

322. and there's this clean-shaven guy working in the pizzeria.

323. He takes me aside and says, "Your father was a great man."

324. It was Mr. Longbeard-Stinkypants.

325. Although now he prefers "Kevin."

326. Anyway, George, I promise you,

327. people are going to remember you the same way.

328. Thank you very much.

329. Wow. It's kind of emotional in here. If you guys keep this up,

330. eventually you'll all get your periods on the same day, which is kind of cool.

331. Denise, a quick word.

332. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and ban you from Mr. Valentine's room.

333. Whatever. All the patients are stable,

334. so I'm just going to go catch some z's in the on-call room.

335. Who's the chubster?

336. I don't know.

337. Meet me in the on-call room, pants down, lights off.

338. I just want to say, I am so psyched that you called me back.

339. No. No. No talking.

340. And if you touch me too much, God help me, I will head-butt you again.

341. I love you.

342. J.D.: And finally, George only had one fear left to tackle.

343. At the end...

344. Is it going to hurt?

345. No. We'll manage any pain you have.

346. Well, how's it going to happen, exactly?

347. Maybe if I knew what was coming I'd be able to handle it better.

348. Well, eventually it'll become harder for you to breathe,

349. but you won't be gasping for air, you'll just feel more drowsy.

350. And as the rest of your organs begin to fail,

351. you'll just sort of go.

352. I'll just go?

353. I like that.

354. J.D.: And there it was.

355. The fear was gone, and all that remained was acceptance.

356. No.

357. No. I know what you guys are trying to do.

358. I just can't get over the fact that one minute I'm here

359. and the next, I'm not.

360. J.D.: And that's when Turk and I told George how we really felt.

361. George, I'm terrified of dying.

362. Me, too.

363. Then why did you lie?

364. We fight death for a living every single day.

365. We can't let it know we're afraid of it or it'll kick our ass.

366. There we are.

367. Everybody's scared.

368. - Yeah. - Pretty much.

369. Well, then what in hell do I have to hope for?

370. Well, if it were me,

371. I would just hope that my last thought was a good one.

372. - What, that's it? - That's it.

373. You thought that was deep? That was...

374. That wasn't deep.

375. - Sorry. - I'm over here dying.

376. That's all you... That's all you can come up with?

377. J.D.: Turk and I spent the next few hours in that room

378. just talking and hanging with George.

379. When Turk and I were in college, we were roommates.

380. Love of mine Someday you will die

381. But I'll be close behind

382. I'll follow you into the dark

383. No blinding light or tunnels To gates of white

384. Just our hands clasped so tight Waiting for the hint of the spark

385. If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied

386. Hey, guys.

387. I'm getting a little tired.

388. Okay. Well, take a quick nap.

389. You guys'll be here when I wake up?

390. Of course.

391. Hey, hey, man.

392. That beer tasted great.

393. J.D.: George never did wake up.

394. And even all that talking didn't make death any easier.

395. At least not for us.

396. Maybe in the end, all you can really hope for

397. is that your last thought is a nice one.

398. both are satisfied

399. Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

400. J.D.: Even if it's just about the taste of an ice-cold beer.

401. George was right. This beer is good.

402. I wouldn't know, I don't really like beer.

403. Goodbye, George.

404. If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks

405. Then I'll follow you into the dark

406. - Action. - I have the same nightmare every time.

407. That I die and leave my family and friends behind.

408. I'm diabetic, so I'm probably gonna go before him.

409. - Hopefully. - Dude.

410. I'm gonna have you stuffed.

411. Carla already said no.

412. - I'm gonna stuff her, too. - You promise?

413. I'm gonna keep her in the closet, though.

414. - All right, but don't tell her. - She don't need to know nothing.

415. Put you right next to each other.

416. Cut. We can't use that, come on.

417. - What the... - Dude, that's horrible.