Scrubs 8x18

1. J.D.: I can't believe today's my last day at Sacred Heart.

2. I couldn't help but let my mind drift back to my very first day.

3. Don't look at me when we're moving someone.

4. Why?

5. And from now on, whenever I'm in the room,

6. you're definitely not allowed to talk.

7. - Charged. - Clear!

8. Oh, my God!

9. Dr. Dorian.

10. Do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?

11. - You stick a penny in there? - No. I was just making small talk.

12. If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

13. I thought we cared about each other...

14. Oh! Please. If you didn't want to sleep with me,

15. - you'd have done the same thing. - I'll tell you one thing.

16. The last thing in the world I want to do is sleep with you now.

17. - Do me right here. - Okay.

18. See?

19. J.D.: I won in the end, though, because now she loves me

20. and I get to have her whenever I see fit.

21. In fact, I think I'll use this last-day thing to score some morning sex.

22. - I can't believe today's my last day... - No morning sex.

23. Worth a try.

24. We can kiss if you remembered to lay out mouthwash last night.

25. I did.

26. Did you water it down so we can just swallow it?

27. Of course I did.

28. J.D.: Actually, I did not remember to water it down. At all.

29. - Morning. - Be weirder.

30. You'd love it. How'd you sleep?

31. Really well, actually.

32. I knew it. You want to know why? This is my bed.

33. I had it brought here because it's so comfortable.

34. You don't have a bed at your house anymore?

35. Why bother? I've slept here, like, every night since you moved.

36. So we live together.

37. Kind of, I guess.

38. - I feel like I should have been told. - Come on.

39. I see it now. You've been sneak-moving in here for days.

40. The clothes in the dresser, those girly pillows on the couch.

41. This really weird picture of a Vegas showgirl.

42. Don't make fun of my brother, Barry. I think he looks very beautiful.

43. They did a dynamite job on his boobs. Are those Gs?

44. Double Ds. Plus, you're the guy

45. who keeps asking me to bring stuff over here.

46. - Are you seriously upset? - I'm very upset.

47. I don't even think morning sex could fix it.

48. - Although it might. - Fine.

49. - Do I have to move a lot? - You never do, anyway.

50. True.

51. Aw, man, he got my coffee wrong.

52. - How? - It's dirt.

53. That may be because I told Donny you thought his coffee tasted like dirt.

54. Why would you do that?

55. Because Donny's a vengeful little punk and I wanted to see what he would do.

56. He's a convicted felon. He shivved a guy.

57. Ah, I love you, Donny. Muffin, please.

58. I still can't believe you're going back to work.

59. I miss doctoring.

60. And the great thing about locum tenens is, it's part-time,

61. and you have to go where they need you,

62. so it's going to force Enid and me to travel.

63. You're finally going to stop hanging around here?

64. Yep, this is my last muffin in this place.

65. You're finally going to stop hanging around here?

66. Oh. Look, he's stuck on a thought. If he doesn't get off it in a few minutes,

67. - just kick him. That's what I always do. - Okay.

68. I've enjoyed this stupid coffee spot so much,

69. I need a memento.

70. Would you distract the staff while I steal my favorite table?

71. - I don't think so, Bob. - Understood. It's not your fight.

72. You're finally going to stop hanging around...

73. You're finally going to stop...

74. You're finally gonna...

75. Thank you.

76. No problem.

77. I wouldn't do that.

78. It's good dirt.

79. So, I actually did drift off a bit. How was the morning sex?

80. - I was awesome! - Really?

81. Nah. I never really got things going. My peep was sleepy.

82. Hey, J.D., I know that it's your last day, but I'm not going to say goodbye

83. because even just saying the word a second ago is going to make me cry.

84. Okay. Okay. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

85. I can't catch my breath. I can't catch it. I can't catch it! Where is it?

86. - Where is it? - Breathe it out. Breathe it out.

87. Okay, I'm back. Plus, I'm just going to see you at our place tonight, okay?

88. Did you just say "our place"? You are sneak-moving in!

89. Your ears are playing tricks.

90. And, J.D., people should make a big deal about you leaving Sacred Heart.

91. But don't be disappointed

92. if it doesn't live up to the expectations you have in your head, okay?

93. I think I'll be fine.

94. Yeah, I know it's blocking the stairs, but people could walk around, right?

95. You're the greatest.

96. - Get over here. You're my bear. - That's right.

97. Growl for me.

98. What are those pads for?

99. Those pads there, my friend, are for you to fall on.

100. In honor of your departure, I'm about to give you your final,

101. full-turbo spinning eagle.

102. - Prepping for takeoff. - Excellent.

103. Now, did you get my text about not eating after midnight last night?

104. Yeah. All I've had is mouthwash.

105. - Let's do this. Come on! - Mounting.

106. Three, two, one. Eagle!

107. Eagle!

108. Are these two doctors?

109. I'm afraid so.

110. Never stop spinning me. Eagle!

111. Oh.

112. - Find the pad! - I can't find it.

113. - Dude. Follow my voice! - I'm coming!

114. There's another hospital down about three miles that way.

115. - You okay, babe? - J.D.: Eagle.

116. Yeah.

117. I can't do this all on my own

118. No, I know

119. I'm no Superman

120. I'm no Superman

121. - Fantastic eagle, buddy. - Yeah. I really feel like we nailed it.

122. Still, I'm going to see you all day.

123. I'm worried you did your goodbye too early.

124. Oh, my God, I did. I'm such an idiot.

125. It's all right. I can fix this.

126. We just have to match that initial goodbye intensity

127. every time we see each other. Can you do that for me?

128. Yeah, I'll just answer you like this. "Come here, you."

129. - Mmm. You smell like a weightlifter. - Mmm.

130. That's because I worked out this morning.

131. - Wow. - It's all right.

132. I finally dealt with the fact that you'll never hold me like that.

133. Maybe we should try it, see what we're missing.

134. Yeah?

135. Oh, God, I love the feel of you.

136. Mmm. You smell like a tugboat captain.

137. - Dude, it's finally happening. - Oh, I see it.

138. Mmm. Now I know what we were missing. I see it.

139. Yeah, you guys are on to something.

140. - I usually cup the butt for support. - Oh! That's nice.

141. - Oh, yeah. There it is. - Our groins are usually closer.

142. - Yeah. It's like they're clapping. - They almost slap each other.

143. - Yeah, we're not doing that. - Excuse me.

144. J.D.: To hell with doing my goodbyes too early.

145. I want my moment with Dr. Cox, and I want it now.

146. Dr. Cox, since this is my last day, I got you a little something,

147. you know, as a thank you. Because in my mind,

148. you're the one who made me the man I am today.

149. - You can't blame me for that. - No. That's too mean.

150. It's a book of all your rants. I always wrote them down.

151. - Wow. - Check it out.

152. Pleather-bound. I did the calligraphy.

153. The number next to each passage is a rating system from one to five,

154. depending on how much that particular rant hurt me emotionally.

155. "One" being something I could easily shrug off

156. and "five" being something that still makes me want to cut myself.

157. Oh, look, "The only way you could be less productive right now is

158. "if you were, in fact, the wall which you're leaning against."

159. That one used to be a five but now it's a four.

160. I still well up when I think about it, but now I can fall asleep after.

161. Who wants to see what Jordan does when she's bored?

162. Hey, Newbie. What if, say, I wanted to locate something in here

163. about just how little I care about any given moment

164. - that you and I have spent together? - Good question.

165. You just go to the glossary.

166. - Ah. - And you see?

167. "How Little I Care," page 19. Boom. Page turn.

168. "Things I Care as Little About as J.D.'s Last Day of Residency."

169. I remember this one. Oh.

170. "Every hybrid car, every talk-show host, everything on the planet,

171. "everything in the solar system, and everything, everything, everything,

172. "everything that exists past, present and future

173. "in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions.

174. "And, of course..."

175. - "Hugh Jackman." - "Hugh Jackman."

176. Oh.

177. That was nice. I like that we shared that.

178. Me, too. Because it's the exact sentiment that I wanted to put out there

179. for you on your last day of work here. Thank you for this lovely present.

180. You're... Okay. You're welcome.

181. Up close, you are not a handsome man.

182. Thank you, Mrs. Stonewater.

183. When you're gone, he's gonna hit me.

184. Mom, he's not going to do that. Dr. Dorian?

185. I would never hit a patient, Mrs. Stonewater. I'm not a hitter.

186. - See, he hates hitting. - Well, I wouldn't say that I hate hitting.

187. That's a little strange.

188. Well, it's just... Does wrestling count as hitting?

189. Because my friend Turk and I sometimes wrestle and I really like that.

190. When you're gone he's going to wrestle me.

191. No. Only if you tickle me first. That's what Turk does.

192. - Now he wants to tickle me! - Are you an idiot?

193. Can I talk to you outside for a second?

194. That is not my mom, okay? This paranoia and the delirium. And it's...

195. The last few weeks, it's like she's just checking out, and...

196. I know it's frustrating, but I promise you we're going to find the answer.

197. - He's going to hit me when you leave. - I'm almost positive I won't.

198. - Don't think you need the "almost" part. - I'm very positive I won't.

199. - It will never happen. Sorry. - You a new doctor?

200. - Actually, it's my last day. - Yeah, that makes sense.

201. That was hurtful.

202. Can there be good without evil?

203. That's probably a question for your priest.

204. - I'm Jewish. - Really? Shalom.

205. - What? - Never mind.

206. That good-evil thing was in my head because I was watching Unbreakable

207. - by M. Night Shyamalan. - It's "M. Night."

208. You don't say, "Muh-Night," it's "M-Knight." No "muh."

209. No, it's "muh." Like C. Thomas Howell or F. Murray Abraham.

210. - I don't think so. - No "muh"?

211. - No "muh." - Well, that's funny.

212. Because we were bowling the other night and he says,

213. "Man, no one ever says my name right."

214. I said, "Muh, you got two bigger problems than that.

215. "One of them is that seven-ten split you left for yourself.

216. "And the other one

217. "is how about trying to write a movie without a big twist ending?"

218. Well, he took offense, got pissy, wouldn't talk to me for a good hour,

219. but he loosened up on the hayride.

220. Yeah. I'm sure that's a true story.

221. Anyway, I wanted to do something big for your departure,

222. but nowadays my wife is taking up all my time.

223. I wanted to spend all night in the lab, but she wanted to play cards.

224. You have a lab?

225. So, I decided to go simple. What would you say this is?

226. Seems like a really gay piece of man-jewelry.

227. It is. It's also the penny that you put in the door eight years ago.

228. For the last time, I did not put a penny in the door.

229. - Admit it! - Oh, God! Why did you do that?

230. Because I read in a book that if you surprise someone with an accusation,

231. - they're more likely to tell you the truth. - I don't really think that's going to work.

232. Okay, well, I'm not discouraged. You know what they say. Admit it!

233. Could you stop doing that? It's... Nothing's going to happen.

234. Don't feel bad, I'm probably doing it wrong.

235. Admit it! Admit it! Admit it!

236. Dr. Dorian, if a patient says his painkillers aren't working,

237. how do we know if he's just trying to scam drugs

238. or if he really needs more pain meds?

239. What I recommend is taking a safety pin

240. and then just giving him a quick little stab, okay?

241. Kidding! Guys, we don't ever stab.

242. With pain meds it's hard to gauge...

243. - Mmm! I'm going to miss you so much. - Then squeeze me like you mean it.

244. - You smell like it's hot out. - It's hot in my heart.

245. Get out of here.

246. Okay, that... I can understand that might have seemed a little girly,

247. - even for me. - Not really.

248. You know, Jo, I'm not really taking comments right now.

249. No, no. It's sort of an announcement phase, okay?

250. Announcement Number 1. Starting tomorrow,

251. Dr. Cox will be leading intern rounds. Sadly, it is my last day.

252. You are now free to comment. Who would like to start us off?

253. Nobody? Jo, it's funny.

254. You were eager to make a comment only moments ago.

255. No, I've got nothing.

256. I order you to comment.

257. Um...

258. I'll miss you?

259. - Oh, Jo... - I'll miss you, too.

260. It's over, Sunny. It's too late.

261. There he is. Speak of the devil.

262. I was just prepping these guys for you to take over.

263. Maybe you'd like to say a few words about how you and I got started.

264. Our relationship began as a student-teacher thing

265. and then evolved into something a whole lot more.

266. The floor, Perry, is yours.

267. - I'm okay. - He's okay. You're okay? He's okay.

268. Okay, I guess I'll just have to settle for handing over the ceremonial reins.

269. - Take the reins, please. - I don't want to.

270. - Take the reins. - I don't want the reins.

271. - Please take the reins. - I'm not taking the reins.

272. I can take the reins and just hold them for him.

273. Feels like that'll work out for everyone.

274. Careful, they're heavy. This guy can pull.

275. No one's taking the reins.

276. Okay, well, then, what am I going to do with the reins?

277. Reins are on the ground. Happy now?

278. All right, children, tomorrow morning

279. I want you prepped on the endocrine system...

280. Or at least let me pass off the torch.

281. Oh! For the love of God! Disperse.

282. Will you hold this, please? It's very hot.

283. J.D.: And just like that, it was time to ruin someone's day.

284. She has Huntington's disease?

285. It's a degenerative brain disease.

286. It causes you to lose control of your movement and mental ability.

287. It can also change your personality, like with your mom.

288. So, what do we do?

289. Unfortunately, there's no cure.

290. Eventually, it'll take her.

291. Oh, jeez.

292. J.D.: Sometimes you just have to barrel through,

293. no matter how much it sucks.

294. And Mr. Stonewater, Huntington's is caused by a faulty gene.

295. And since your mother has it,

296. you have a 50-50 chance of having it, too.

297. We can test you for it, if you want.

298. If we find out that I have it early on, are there any treatment options?

299. Nothing substantial yet.

300. I can only tell you if you have it.

301. I can't even tell when the disease would hit you, if you do have it.

302. Could be in your seventies, like your mom, or...

303. - Could be sooner. - Could be sooner.

304. I'm so sorry.

305. Can I have a few minutes?

306. J.D.: I'm so bummed about Mrs. Stonewater I totally spaced

307. and forgot what's wrong with Benjamin, here.

308. Is he the one with the broken ribs?

309. Nope. Maybe he's the guy with sinus polyps.

310. I don't think there's any polyps, but he definitely has some oily skin issues.

311. I should turn him on to that dynamite apricot scrub I stole from Elliot.

312. Oh, come on. Focus. I suppose I could go get his chart,

313. but I left it all the way downstairs.

314. Come on, man, you've got eight years of medical experience. Use it!

315. Maybe you can smell it out.

316. I want to say it smells like non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

317. What are you doing? You don't know what any diseases smell like.

318. Ah, to hell with it.

319. What do you have, again?

320. - Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. - Of course you do. You reek of it.

321. I'm sorry.

322. J.D.: See? Benjamin understands that you're human

323. and that you're having kind of an overwhelming day.

324. Give him a smile as a thank you.

325. I want a new doctor.

326. No. I've been working my butt off taking care of you for the last two weeks,

327. so I'm afraid the answer is no, Benjamin.

328. - My name is Roger. - I'll go get you a new doctor.

329. What's wrong?

330. Did you find out that I'm replacing your kitchen countertops

331. with prettier ones from my apartment? Because if you're mad,

332. - I can stop those workers right now. - What? No, Elliot,

333. I'm upset because Huntington's disease sucks, Dr. Cox is a jerk,

334. I'm such a crappy doctor I just got dumped by a patient,

335. and no one but you and Turk even cares that I'm leaving.

336. Take it easy!

337. Bye!

338. What about them?

339. - Take it easy! - Send a postcard!

340. I'm not leaving yet. I'm just getting some air.

341. But thank you, thank you all.

342. You know, I've always said that I came to Sacred Heart a boy

343. - and it's turned me into... - They're waving at me, genius.

344. I took my favorite table and I'm bailing out of that coffee place.

345. Bye, gang!

346. - Bye, Bob! - Bye, Bob!

347. But you left a year ago! You got cake. He got a cake!

348. And who changed my sign?

349. How dare you change somebody's sign?

350. You stupid sign-changers!

351. - Hey, relax. - They're sign-changers!

352. I'll fix it.

353. Oh, that's right, I forgot.

354. Tina in Accounting left for eight days to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.

355. - How cool is that? - Elliot!

356. What? I just think she's very brave, with her wooden leg and all.

357. Hey, Elliot! I can see down your blouse from here!

358. - I hope you fall and die, Todd! - What a way to go!

359. There. All better.

360. So, what the hell did you think leaving this place was going to be like?

361. I don't know. I guess I thought there'd be a lot of heartfelt goodbyes.

362. When I was finally ready to leave

363. it'd be like one of those great old sitcom finales.

364. We've got a code blue!

365. We're all going to die!

366. Why would they wire all the power through one switch? That seems crazy.

367. Well, I'm afraid all I can offer you is a handshake.

368. - I'll take it, sir. - Have a great life, Dorian.

369. - Thank you. - Get as much tail as you can.

370. - I always do, sir. - I already threw him morning sex today.

371. Atta girl!

372. If you want goodbyes maybe you should just ask for them.

373. You're right.

374. J.D.: My exchange with Dr. Kelso renewed my strength.

375. Other men had no problem saying what they wanted.

376. And sure, sometimes it was a ridiculous, ridiculous request.

377. - Admit that you did it! - No.

378. - Admit it! - No.

379. Damn it.

380. J.D.: And sometimes it's even not wanting to know

381. if you have a fatal disease.

382. Hey, Dr. Dorian, I decided not to take that test, okay?

383. Okay.

384. J.D.: Either way, it was time for me to follow their lead.

385. Dr. Cox, I want something from you.

386. I know you do, Newbie.

387. And I have been searching through this wonderful book that you gave me,

388. trying to find the exact right speech to share with you.

389. But alas, there's nothing in here on "Barking Up the Wrong Tree"

390. or even a "Turn Back Now Because This Doesn't End Well for You" section,

391. so I'm going to have to go ahead and wing it.

392. Let's see what happens.

393. Newbie, I know that you want this to be a very special day for the both of us.

394. I get that, I truly do.

395. You want feelings to be shared. You want hugs to flow.

396. But that is not now, nor has it ever been who I am, and you know that.

397. So I'm real sorry there, Newbie, but

398. this is not a special day for me, it's just a day.

399. If you put that down in the book later, give it a five.

400. Fair enough.

401. Yeah, I know it's blocking the stairs, but people could walk around, right?

402. - Thanks, buddy. You're my bear. - I'm your bear.

403. - Give me a growl. - Growl.

404. - One more. - Growl!

405. Dr. Dorian, if a patient says his painkillers aren't working,

406. how do we know if he's just trying to scam meds or...

407. Um...

408. - So it's back to one. - Hmm. Yeah.

409. - Wow. - That's okay.

410. Eliza, can you take that line?

411. I'm going to call action, John,

412. and then I'm going to put this on TV.

413. Here we go.