Scrubs 8x17

1. The park was such a blast.

2. But I had no idea he was so scared of puppies.

3. Oh, he usually loves them.

4. Oh, I wasn't talking about Sam.

5. That was not a puppy. It was a full-grown Dachshund,

6. and it came at me like a rabid missile!

7. I heard when you're being attacked by a tiny gay dog,

8. you're supposed to pull its sweater over its head and hockey-fight it.

9. Hmm.

10. Sam was so happy this morning, I decided I'm definitely moving here.

11. You know, it's only 37 minutes from work, and it just...

12. It makes it so much easier for me to see more of him, you know?

13. I think that's great, J.D.

14. J.D.: This feels right.

15. Still, sometimes when you make big decisions,

16. life starts going so fast that it seems like you're not even moving through it.

17. It just happens to you.

18. Like that, I found a new place,

19. furnished it,

20. and after work, I got in my car

21. and made the 37-minute drive to my new home.

22. Hey, baby, check out my new badge. Christopher Turk, Chief of Surgery.

23. I am so proud of you!

24. - No. - Yes.

25. Guys, check out the on-call room walk of shame.

26. What were you two doing in there?

27. - Nothing. I was taking a nap. - Nothing at all.

28. - I don't know what he was doing. - Just preparing for the day, really.

29. Derek, you can't do that before a full day of surgery.

30. Booty weakens the core muscles. You know, these get sore.

31. Think I'm pretty good.

32. Let's go get you some coffee.

33. Nice pull, Denise.

34. That kid is so fine, he's actually made

35. a couple of guest appearances up in here.

36. Me, too.

37. I've got this one scenario where he and I are walking down a dark alley

38. and J.D. Is a mugger who jumps out with a knife.

39. Derek used to be the mugger,

40. but then I thought that was a little racially insensitive.

41. Anyway, there's a scuffle. I wind up with the knife,

42. so at first I force them both to pleasure me,

43. but then it takes a left turn, and I go on a killing spree.

44. I know it's a little weird, but we all have our little tricks to help us climax, right?

45. Elliot Reid. Two years therapy-free.

46. I don't need it anymore.

47. I don't know why I keep jumping into bed with him.

48. My confidence is shot from screwing up that spinal tap last week,

49. and then yesterday, I misdiagnosed an ectopic pregnancy.

50. I don't know. Maybe I wanted to do something I knew I could do right,

51. like banging a dude. I'm a giant ho-bag.

52. No. No, you are not. So is Derek a good guy?

53. Derek? I thought it was Eric.

54. Hey, you coming up to the third floor today?

55. No. I'm not cleaning the third floor this month.

56. I'm sending a message. You steal a man's sandwich off his cart,

57. you stew in your own filth.

58. Sweetie, I took that sandwich.

59. Well, I can't change my mind now. I'll look like a flip-flopper.

60. Listen, my sister Amy's son is having a tough time at school,

61. and since his dad is out of the picture,

62. I thought maybe you could sit down and talk to him.

63. Amy, who gave us a doily for our wedding,

64. wants me to save her boy?

65. Please?

66. That seems fair.

67. - So, lan... - It's Ethan.

68. Whatever. Your mom says you're having a rough time in school.

69. Liam stole my backpack. I wanna hit him.

70. No, no, we don't hit. Never.

71. You hit somebody and the anger's gone,

72. and it's all over.

73. No, the goal should be to keep that anger inside you,

74. growing like an anger baby.

75. You got to get inside Liam's head, right?

76. You got to find out Liam's weaknesses.

77. Like, is he afraid of the dark? Does he have any food allergies?

78. How does he do if he's left out on open water?

79. Does he have a pet? Could that pet be convinced to betray him?

80. Would you be willing to get plastic surgery

81. to further your goals?

82. Would you change the location of your eyes to here?

83. That's the level of commitment I'm looking for.

84. Or maybe I'm just wasting my time.

85. Are you on drugs?

86. Are you?

87. J.D.: Now that I lived here, when Kim and I had to make a Sam exchange,

88. I just zipped over to St. Vincent's.

89. Hey, J.D., since you're coming around my hospital a lot more often now,

90. I was hoping maybe you could dress a little nicer,

91. and maybe say "smell you later" a little less often,

92. or just stop completely.

93. - Are you sure? It's hilarious. - It's not.

94. Hey, calm down, gramps!

95. And now you're screaming at my chief of medicine.

96. Sorry, Dr. Mantoots.

97. Don't laugh.

98. - His name is Mantoots? - Yes. Stop laughing.

99. Tell them.

100. J.D.: This was gonna be hard.

101. I got a job at St. Vincent's.

102. I'm leaving Sacred Heart at the end of the month.

103. What? How?

104. Well, I was apologizing to Kim's chief of medicine, Dr. Mantoots...

105. Mantoots.

106. Anyway, Mantoots and I ended up hitting it off

107. and he actually offered me their residency-director job.

108. It pays a little bit more money,

109. and I'm really liking being closer to Sam, so I took it.

110. J.D.: As I scanned across their faces,

111. it felt amazing to see how everyone truly felt about me.

112. Why are you stretching?

113. Because, Barbie, I'm just so very happy

114. that I'm gonna try something I haven't done since high school.

115. Back flip!

116. - Oh. - Oh, oh.

117. - Did I stick it, you guys? - No.

118. - You're crazy. - Not really.

119. No, you did not.

120. It was worth it.

121. I can't do this all on my own

122. No, I know

123. I'm no Superman

124. I'm no Superman

125. So with the new job,

126. do you think you'll be able to keep the romance going?

127. I don't think it should be that hard.

128. I was talking to them.

129. Hilarious.

130. You mean to tell me you're interested in Newbie that way, too?

131. Seriously, are you two gonna be okay?

132. I mean, you lived together in college, in med school, out here.

133. I mean, you guys are inseparable.

134. It's not a big deal.

135. Sure, it's gonna suck not working together,

136. but we'll see each other all the time. We're only 37 minutes away.

137. Thirty-five if I don't stop at the blueberry stand.

138. Yeah, but if I'm with you, we're stopping for blueberries.

139. - Hell, yeah, we are. - Okay.

140. I'm just saying, the only time you two haven't been together

141. was our honeymoon.

142. What?

143. - It's time. - No.

144. Yes.

145. Fine. Honey, um,

146. J.D. And I were together during our honeymoon.

147. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.

148. He forgot his favorite lotion. Am I supposed to let him get ashy?

149. We only hung out together when you were sleeping

150. or when I said I was going to get a massage.

151. Well, sometimes you were.

152. Smell you later.

153. That is hilarious!

154. I know. You know some people don't think so?

155. Hmm.

156. So how's Mrs. Gallin doing after her surgery?

157. Incision's clean, she's afebrile, and her vital signs are stable.

158. Time to put on my cheery patient face. Hi.

159. Hi.

160. Hi. There it is.

161. Hi. I'm Dr. Reid.

162. Hello.

163. I've never actually had a chance to work with you before.

164. Are you enjoying it here?

165. God, no. Are you?

166. Not ever. I like you. I like her.

167. Something's wrong here.

168. So anyway, I start at St. Vincent's at the end of the month.

169. What are you doing with Vincent? I wasn't listening.

170. - Never mind. - Vincent's my hairdresser.

171. Well, it's good to be near your son.

172. I still toy with the idea of moving up to Seattle

173. to be closer to Harrison's bordello.

174. Harrison has dropped all pretense. He's a man-whore now.

175. Oh, there's good money in that, especially if you do the naughty stuff.

176. - Give my love to Vincent. - Oh, I will.

177. - Hey, weirdo. - Yeah?

178. You must be excited that your little nemesis is going.

179. No, I'm not. I finally have my life in order.

180. I've got my wife, I've got my Brain Trust,

181. and I finally tricked Johann in the gift shop

182. into accepting my new fake currency.

183. Then Dorian comes along and upsets the status quo.

184. I will bet you five bendels that other people follow suit.

185. Change begets change begets change.

186. - You just gave me a great idea. - Hit me.

187. From now on, any time someone's really boring me,

188. - I'm just gonna get up and leave. - I don't like it.

189. Well, Jordan, I think...

190. Well played.

191. I think she's bleeding internally. You two, stay with the patient.

192. Barbie and I are going to figure out what the hell happened.

193. Derek, I need you to do a head-to-toe CT scan on Mrs. Gallin, stat.

194. I'm on it.

195. Stat? You don't talk like that. Is that a new Chief of Surgery word?

196. - J.D., stop it. - Should I stop it, stat?

197. - Seriously. - Seriously, stat?

198. - J.D. - Everything is stat.

199. - Stat, stat, stat. Stat. - You done?

200. I'm done. Stat.

201. Your young Denise gave Mrs. Gallin a full post-op dose of heparin.

202. That's why she's bleeding. Time to play "Crush the Intern."

203. Let's give Denise a break on this one.

204. She's having a bit of a self-confidence crisis.

205. Oh, will you do me a personal favor and cover my patients?

206. Because I'm gonna go bake her some cookies.

207. Just let me handle Denise, okay?

208. Think of all the time you'll have to go be a jackass to other people.

209. Fair enough, but she doesn't get to skate.

210. A mistake was made.

211. Someone has to go face the patient and take the blame.

212. Fine.

213. Okay, since we're both going the same way,

214. would you mind dropping back a few steps

215. so we don't have to walk together?

216. Glad to.

217. Thanks for having us over for dinner last night.

218. Oh, hey, next time you guys do a couples thing, I'll tag in.

219. Are you seeing someone, Todd?

220. Actually, I'm getting pretty serious with the Hendersons.

221. Oh, good. They're nice.

222. Yeah, they are.

223. We should go, Gooch.

224. The men have their Brain Club meeting.

225. Brain Trust, hon. Trust. Told her 20 times.

226. Whatever.

227. Let's call this meeting to order.

228. Since I didn't like the way that Doug said "here"

229. during roll-call yesterday,

230. he has been replaced by Jimmy, the overly touchy orderly.

231. Can I make a motion that we have to keep our hands to ourselves?

232. All in favor of hands to yourself? All opposed?

233. And since we all know that these votes are largely ceremonial,

234. the motion passes. Jimmy, hands to yourself.

235. Okay, any announcements?

236. Uh, the Gooch and I are having a great time,

237. and I know it's quick, but we're moving in together.

238. The answer's no.

239. That wasn't really a question.

240. I feel like my hands are gonna explode.

241. Motion to help out a friend?

242. Oh.

243. No. Jimmy, use the table.

244. - It's firm. - It's a table.

245. You can't make a life decision like this, okay?

246. It hasn't even gone through subcommittee.

247. Look, Ted... Personal sidebar.

248. Look, Ted, Stephanie is great,

249. and I know the idea of change is very exciting for some people,

250. but just slow it down. No moving in together, okay?

251. - All right. - Okay.

252. Should we end the personal sidebar?

253. You know, sometimes you think, "I'm kind of a strange dude,"

254. and then you come across something like this.

255. I think we should open her up and locate the bleeding.

256. Typical surgeon.

257. I think we should reverse the anti-coagulates and monitor her.

258. Well, as Chief, I think it's very...

259. Did you just start a sentence with "as Chief"?

260. Dude, don't do that with me.

261. As Chief, I can start anything with "as Chief." Check it.

262. As Chief, I'm way more handsome than you.

263. Actually, that's not a perfect example,

264. because it was true before I was Chief, so as Chief, I'm sorry.

265. You know what? The decision does not need to be made

266. until tomorrow morning, so can we agree to talk about it then?

267. - Fine. - Okay.

268. Besides, didn't Carla say you could come see my new place?

269. Dude, you said this place was 37 minutes away.

270. We've been driving for an hour.

271. What do you want? There was traffic.

272. Hey, how do you think Farmer Hewitt

273. gets these blueberries to taste so sweet?

274. I don't know. He says he uses a special manure

275. that his son helps him make.

276. I didn't really wanna know more.

277. J.D.: They say ignorance is bliss.

278. The problem is, it's only a matter of time

279. before the smile gets wiped off your face.

280. Sometimes because the wrong person is taking the blame.

281. Mrs. Gallin, it's my fault that this happened,

282. and I'm very sorry.

283. It's okay.

284. Okay.

285. Sometimes because your friend ignored you.

286. Oh, my God! I can't believe we're moving in together.

287. Believe it, Gooch.

288. Still, not even the three hours I spent last night vomiting blueberries

289. could take my smile away.

290. Where's Mrs. Gallin?

291. In surgery.

292. What the hell? I thought we agreed to talk about it.

293. We did, but then I made the call. You know, as Chief.

294. When I walk by in a huff, you better look.

295. - I ain't looking! - You will look at my huff walk!

296. No!

297. I am happy, you are happy

298. Let us be happy together

299. Whether the weather is rainy or sunny

300. I said the other blonde stick had to take the blame for Mrs. Gallin.

301. No, you said someone had to. Someone did.

302. And Mrs. Gallin accepted my apology, so we are coolio.

303. I am smiling, you are smiling

304. Let us smile together

305. Whether the weather is cloudy or stormy

306. Oh, man, is that your betrayal stare?

307. I am happy, you are happy

308. Let it burn.

309. Let us be happy together

310. Oh, it's burning.

311. I'll be right by your side in the morning

312. I'll make you breakfast in the morning

313. I hope that you like cereal

314. You know, you're making this difficult.

315. Seriously?

316. It says I'm ready for anything.

317. Look, I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or whatever,

318. but I need you right now.

319. Need me for what?

320. Need you, need you.

321. Whoa, whoa, yeah, okay. Yeah, that'll work.

322. Lose the pants.

323. Done.

324. Occupied.

325. No. This was the plan.

326. - You need to talk. - Oh, man!

327. Why did you tell me to take my pants off, then?

328. Sorry, I got caught up in it.

329. You got caught up in it, too, right?

330. Oh, you need me to say yes, don't you? I got so caught up in it.

331. - I know. I know you did. - Now talk.

332. - Man, put your pants back on. - I'm not ready yet.

333. - It happens to everybody. - Hey.

334. Did Dr. Reid get a chance to talk to you about Mrs. Gallin?

335. Yeah. She explained my mistake,

336. and she told me it was a pretty common one.

337. Did she also get a chance to tell you

338. that we're passing out the World's Worst Doctor Awards,

339. and that you're a finalist?

340. You don't have to be such a jerk about it.

341. Thanks. Your tiny surgeon brain

342. may now go back to its regularly scheduled programming.

343. Uh, duh.

344. He's not gonna stop until you go.

345. Ah.

346. Look, I know I messed up.

347. Dr. Reid just told me not to sweat it too much,

348. since I'm so hard on myself.

349. Seeing as you almost killed someone, if you do feel the urge to "sweat it,"

350. you go ahead and jump on that. You damn sure earned it.

351. I just bought this yogurt, and for change,

352. they gave me this thing that said "three bendels" on it.

353. That's worth about 40 cents.

354. Hey, sweat stain,

355. how's it going with your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?

356. We're having sex, like, all the time.

357. - Oh, God. - Why?

358. Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?

359. You try it.

360. Oh, God!

361. Not a pretty sight, is it?

362. Still, Ted made me think.

363. I mean, maybe J.D. And I should just go for it

364. and move in together, you know?

365. And change begets more change.

366. I've been missing being a doctor so much,

367. I've been thinking about working locum tenens.

368. You know, temporary family practice stuff.

369. More change.

370. You're going back to work?

371. With a second baby, I don't think I can be a nurse full-time.

372. More change.

373. Do you think it would drive Perry crazy if I adopted a couple of Asian kids?

374. Okay, that's it. Nobody move.

375. Excuse me.

376. Okay, yes, she can move,

377. but that's 'cause she asked permission earlier.

378. When?

379. It was before you all got here.

380. She... I said, "I might say, 'Nobody move,'

381. "and if so you better not move." And she said, "Yeah, but I gotta move.

382. "Just over there. I'm still listening."

383. And I said, "That's cool, 'cause we're good friends.

384. "I'll see you later." She said, "Yeah, definitely.

385. - "Let's do something fun." - What do you want?

386. I want you to stop changing your lives, okay?

387. We've been conditioned to think that change is good and exciting.

388. Well, what if it's not? What if it's actually bad

389. and very, very dangerous in a way that I don't...

390. Hey, nobody move! Nobody...

391. Yeah, you can move. No one cares about you.

392. Honey, how would you feel about my sister and her son

393. living with us for a while?

394. Outstanding.

395. - Why are we fighting? - I don't know.

396. I can't believe you're leaving.

397. I know.

398. I'm the new Chief of Surgery, you know?

399. And you're Dr. Cox's number-two guy.

400. I thought, eventually, we'd be running this place together.

401. J.D.: How cool would that be?

402. I love how you two have kept everything in the hospital the same.

403. You know, except for the free pudding.

404. Sorry, baby, but the free pudding's for us.

405. Turk, you made a mess. Let him out!

406. Janitor eat?

407. Janitor clean. Janitor only clean.

408. - Eat? - No.

409. - Clean? - No!

410. - Pretty awesome. - Yeah.

411. - What is your problem? - I'm glad you asked,

412. because it seems like no matter where I go in this dump,

413. this unbelievably annoying doctor, Elliot somebody,

414. keeps coming up to me and talking to me... Oh.

415. Why would you torch Denise? You know her confidence is shot.

416. Plus, the other day, you even said you liked her,

417. and I know that you're just kidding around,

418. but you never said you liked me, even as a joke.

419. - I like you. - Really?

420. - No. - Nicely done.

421. Thank you.

422. You know what I don't get? You've always protected the interns.

423. I mean, you've always been their teacher first.

424. And why in God's name should I waste my time and energy

425. whipping some intern into shape when I know damn sure that

426. as soon as he gets the first opportunity,

427. he's just gonna blow right out of this dump?

428. Oh. "He." Oh, okay. Now I get it.

429. Why don't you just tell him that you're sad that he's leaving,

430. like a normal human being?

431. What are you talking about?

432. Come on, Perry.

433. We both know who you're really mad at.

434. So I'll work somewhere else. We'll still hang.

435. J.D., that's not a 37-minute drive.

436. It's an hour-and-15-minute drive, round trip,

437. and I got a wife, I got a kid, I got a kid on the way, I got a new job.

438. I'm in the same boat.

439. It's a good boat to be in, though, right?

440. Yeah.

441. So we'll see each other when we can.

442. How about tonight? We'll act sulky so the girls think we need to talk more.

443. I'm in.

444. I'm gonna miss your skinny white butt.

445. I'm gonna miss your perfect brown one.

446. You wanna pull your pants up first?

447. I'm still not ready.

448. This is my winter song to you

449. Guys, you know the rules.

450. If you're gonna hook up in here, put a sock on the door.

451. Come on. I know a secret place.

452. J.D.: Remember when you were a kid and your family moved,

453. and how you always wanted someone to blame for all those big changes?

454. You're still working here for a few more weeks, right?

455. Yep.

456. I'm gonna make them special!

457. J.D.: Luckily, most of us find the courage

458. to tell friends that we'll miss them.

459. Good night, Dr. Cox.

460. I still believe in summer days

461. J.D.: Or not.

462. The seasons always change

463. Hello?

464. Still, what I remember most is that leaving parts of my life behind

465. always ended up hurting more than I thought.

466. No, Turk, don't sweat it, man.

467. If Izzy's alone, you can't leave her.

468. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Yeah.

469. We'll just hang out another time. All right, man. Bye.

470. He can't make it?

471. No.

472. Is love alive?

473. Is love alive?

474. Is love alive?

475. I am happy, you are happy

476. Let us be happy together

477. Whether the weather is rainy or sunny

478. I will always be your funny honey bunny

479. I am lucky, you are lucky

480. Let us get lucky together

481. Whether the weather is cloudy or breezy

482. Ukulele makes me horny.

483. I'll be there to say

484. Hey, come on, let's take it easy

485. And isn't it nice to say I love you?