1. J.D.: After a weekend with Sam,
it's always sad
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2. driving him the 37 minutes
back to Kim's house.
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3. Still, there was one positive.
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4. Elliot's a bit territorial, so if I got
any physical contact from Kim...
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5. Oh, your collar's messed up.
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6. on the way home
Elliot made me pull over for car sex.
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7. I know I shouldn't exploit
her insecurities,
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8. but car sex really appeals
to my exhibitionist side.
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9. Here we are.
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10. That bitch better watch her hands.
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11. Hi, Kim.
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12. Hi.
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13. Oh, J.D., you have fuzz in your hair.
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14. J.D.: I know. I put it there.
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15. I need to tell you guys something.
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16. It didn't matter what Kim had to say.
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17. Elliot was already in car-sex mode.
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18. Yeah, to save time, I'll just probably
take off my underwear here.
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19. Whatever's good for you.
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20. Nothing could stop this train.
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21. Ta-da!
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22. Sean?
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23. You know, unless Kim was dating
Elliot's stupid ex-boyfriend.
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24. Hey, Elliot. J.D.
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25. Sean.
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26. You know what sucks?
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27. I have to hire a new Chief of Surgery
and I just can't fathom
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28. giving any of you tiny-brained
scalpel jockeys a leadership position.
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29. Honestly, so far,
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30. this is the only candidate
who I'm seriously considering.
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31. The guy has the opposable thumbs,
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32. so you automatically know
he can handle the job.
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33. And, well, I was just thinking
if you slap a diaper on him
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34. and maybe tape some glasses
to his face,
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35. sure-shooting
he'll look professional enough.
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36. You know what?
I'm gonna call the gentleman.
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37. I'd be great at that job.
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38. - Then go for it.
- Chief of Surgery?
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39. Baby, one of the most amazing things
about you
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40. is that when you want something
badly enough,
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41. you always make it happen.
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42. Remember when you first started
working here
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43. and I had no interest in dating you?
What did you do?
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44. I made it happen.
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45. And what about when I had no interest
in marrying you?
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46. I made it happen.
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47. Go make this happen.
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48. I'm doing it.
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49. Even though you didn't used to like me,
I'm your world now, right?
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50. My whole world.
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51. That's what I'm talking about.
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52. No, thanks.
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53. So how's married life?
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54. You have to make compromises.
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55. Like my wife's allergic to raccoons,
so I had to throw out my comforter.
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56. How was your honeymoon?
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57. Did you know that
Kelso stayed in the Bahamas, too?
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58. I love you.
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59. I love you, too.
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60. Let's never leave.
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61. Yeah, we saw him.
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62. Yeah, I'm sorry.
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63. I was so blitzed with rum drinks,
I could barely remember where I was.
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64. I feel horrible.
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65. Oh, no, stop it.
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66. At first, you were like
the third wheel from hell,
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67. but then we made you do stuff.
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68. Had you pay for our meals,
got you into a couple bar fights.
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69. Oh, on the beach, we bet you
you couldn't eat a starfish.
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70. - And?
- I owe you a buck.
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71. - So you had fun with it.
- Oh, yeah.
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72. - Good.
- Folks, I'm sorry, but we have to close.
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73. Our pastry maker
was just admitted to the hospital
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74. with a highly contagious
intestinal virus.
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75. What the hell? I'm already in it.
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76. Hi, I need to check myself in.
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77. For what?
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78. For that.
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79. So we've been dating, what?
About a month?
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80. And I just didn't wanna say anything
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81. until I knew
it was gonna go somewhere, and...
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82. Well, we hit a little speed bump
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83. when I first found out
that Sam was your baby.
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84. Yeah, he got drunk and asked me
to sell him on the black market.
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85. Yeah. She wouldn't, but...
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86. That's sweet.
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87. I just don't understand
how you two even met.
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88. Did someone introduce you?
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89. I love you?
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90. Sweetie, it was over a year ago.
You and I weren't even together.
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91. And I figured
at most they could end up friends.
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92. Well, you also told me
he was great in the sack.
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93. Kim, I will kill you.
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94. He's not, sweetie.
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95. I can't do this all on my own
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96. No, I know
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97. I'm no Superman
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98. I'm no Superman
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99. See you then.
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100. They're coming by for lunch
so we can air everything out
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101. and get past all this weirdness.
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102. Sean's coming here?
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103. You don't realize how much it sucks
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104. to spend time with someone
you used to sleep with.
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105. You used to sleep with Kim
and I have to see her every week.
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106. - That's totally different.
- How?
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107. I don't know, Elliot. I'm not some genius
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108. that knows why things that seem
the same are actually very different.
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109. Be crazier.
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110. Did you put on that cologne I hate
to punish me?
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111. That's insane.
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112. J.D.: Insanely true.
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113. Go.
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114. Now, I know I gave all of you
five-to-one odds,
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115. but no one stitches an orange
faster than me. No one.
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116. I am a god! Done!
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117. Damn it.
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118. Oh, good, this is where
you interns are located.
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119. Here I was worried
you were out taking care of sick people.
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120. Finished. Oh, crap.
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121. Leave.
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122. I'll take that.
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123. - I heard you were looking for me.
- Yes.
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124. I want to officially put my name in
for the Chief of Surgery.
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125. That's a good one.
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126. Laugh all you want,
but I'm still getting that job.
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127. I know we don't always
get along personally,
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128. but in my defense,
it's because you're a huge jackass.
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129. I'm the best cutter in this place
and you know it.
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130. When you put it that way,
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131. you compel me
to consult with the Decision Committee.
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132. "Say, Perry?"Yes, Perry?"
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133. "Listen, I was wondering,
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134. "can Dr. Turk here
be the new Chief of Surgery?"
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135. "Well, I haven't hit the bottle yet today
so I'm not that drunk.
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136. "The answer's no, not in this lifetime."
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137. Sorry, there, I did everything possible.
Strength.
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138. - How are you feeling?
- Not great.
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139. But now when I hurl,
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140. I've been trying to say the names
of my favorite novels, so that's fun.
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141. Hmm.
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142. Look, I'm sure
I just have an enterovirus,
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143. so order me forty cc's of...
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144. No, you are not a doctor here anymore,
you will not treat yourself.
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145. I'm siccing the interns on you.
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146. Oh, come on. Hi.
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147. - Hi.
- Hi.
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148. What happened to
your sleeve there, Tex?
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149. I sewed an orange onto it.
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150. I'll take the foreigner.
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151. Yay! I'm so happy.
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152. I dropped Sam off
at the daycare upstairs
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153. and they seem really good with him.
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154. - Yeah, they were good.
- Didn't they? Yeah.
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155. - It was a good group of people.
- So good.
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156. - Good, good.
- Good things are good. So it's good.
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157. Stop saying "good," Sean.
You sound like an ass.
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158. You said it too. He said "good."
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159. No, I didn't, Sean.
Can you believe this guy?
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160. I need to talk to Kim,
maybe we should divide up.
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161. I vote yes.
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162. - You said "good."
- Nobody cares, Sean.
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163. Nobody cares.
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164. Am I gonna have a office this fancy
when I'm the Chief of Surgery?
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165. It's dangerous to try to reason
with delusional people,
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166. so I'm just gonna go
about my business.
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167. Okay, I'll go, but only because
it's time for my peer recommendation.
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168. Right here, buddy.
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169. I get embarrassed
when people say nice things about me.
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170. Handle your business.
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171. Dr. Turk should be chief
because he's skilled technically,
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172. he's super-efficient,
he's got an awesome dong,
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173. he's great
with laparoscopic procedures,
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174. patients love him...
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175. What was that middle one?
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176. Laparoscopic?
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177. So you're the best he could muster up?
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178. Oh, no, I'm not the only one.
We all want Turk.
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179. You want him
to be the Chief of Surgery?
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180. That depends. Does he get
a special chief hat, like a police chief?
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181. - No.
- Okay.
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182. If you give him the job,
and I make him a hat,
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183. will you force him to wear it?
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184. I was thinking
like an old time scuba diver helmet.
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185. "Hello. You need a new colon."
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186. No.
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187. Is that a maybe?
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188. You ready to do this?
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189. Let's air some crap out.
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190. I feel guilty
because we used to be friends
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191. and now I resent you so much
for having a baby with J.D.
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192. That sometimes
I dream about you dying.
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193. Also, if you ever even touch J.D.,
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194. I have sex with him in the car
in front of a random creepy bicyclist
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195. that J.D. Thinks I don't see.
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196. - That sounds healthy.
- I think it is.
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197. Look, if it makes you feel any better,
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198. I used to dream about you dying
all the time.
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199. - Really?
- Yeah. Seriously.
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200. What do you think
the women are talking about?
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201. I'm not psychic, Sean.
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202. But they better not be all chummy,
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203. chatting about which one of us
is better in bed.
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204. They're women.
They don't talk about that.
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205. J.D.'s better at sex,
Sean's better at foreplay.
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206. J.D.'s great at foreplay.
He just takes the "play" part literally,
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207. so you've got to embrace
all of his games.
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208. You know, there's
"Nooks and Crannies,"Upsy-Daisies."
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209. - "Who's in There?"
- Oh.
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210. Followed after by "What's in There?"
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211. - "Mr. Peep Tries on Hats."
- Love that one.
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212. It's not fair that we still have to be
in each other's lives.
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213. I know. But I also know
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214. the girls aren't gonna let up
until we make peace.
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215. So, what do you say
we change the tone a little bit
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216. and both say something nice
about each other?
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217. I'll go first.
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218. Look at you.
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219. There's no way around it,
you're a beautiful man.
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220. - Thank you, J.D.
- Now you go.
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221. - I never agreed to that.
- You beautiful son of a bitch.
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222. Look, we need to stop
seeing each other as enemies.
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223. Sean, you and I have had sex
with the same women,
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224. therefore, we're wiener cousins.
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225. And where I come from,
this right here is stronger than family.
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226. - That's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it ridiculous, fellows?
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227. Nurse Roberts. Both of them, one night.
May she rest in peace.
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228. Cuz?
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229. Okay.
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230. - I'm not hooking fingers.
- Okay, it won't be official.
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231. We touched. It counts.
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232. I'm just putting an IV in, okay?
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233. Sir?
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234. Sir, are you okay?
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235. Bah!
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236. One-nothing, Bobbo.
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237. Good one. Hold still.
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238. Damn it! We're even.
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239. That wasn't a vein, was it?
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240. That's okay, sweetheart.
You're probably just nervous.
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241. So why don't you go get a cup of water
to relax and we'll try it again?
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242. Thanks. I'll be right back.
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243. Take your time.
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244. The Grapes of... The Grapes of Wrath!
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245. I'm so proud of you
for working things out with Sean.
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246. What can I say? He's my wiener cuz.
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247. Kim and I are bajingo sisters.
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248. - You always wanted one of those.
- I know!
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249. - There's Sammy.
- Hey.
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250. Hi.
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251. It's okay. It's okay.
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252. J.D.: As a parent, you realize
there are things much more annoying
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253. than your child crying in your ear.
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254. Someday, he'll lie to your face.
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255. - Oh, who placed that IV?
- That other intern did it.
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256. Mmm-hmm.
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257. Or he'll relentlessly pester you
for a toy he wants.
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258. Are you gonna give me that job
or what?
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259. He's a little sad.
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260. Oh. Can you take him?
He never cries when Sean holds him.
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261. J.D.: Still, nothing really matters
as long as you know in your heart
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262. that your child loves you the most.
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263. All better, little man.
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264. Bye, guys.
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265. - What was that?
- Don't worry about it.
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266. So Sam stopped crying
the second Sean picked him up, huh?
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267. - That's harsh.
- I know.
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268. J.D. Was a little quiet last night,
but I'm proud of him.
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269. He's really handling it well.
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270. Your plan to sex up my old girlfriend
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271. so you can turn my baby boy
against me is over.
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272. Hey, buddy.
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273. No, no, no, no, no, no. No.
What's wrong? What's wrong?
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274. It's okay. How are you doing this?
Are you a sorcerer?
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275. Hey, J.D.
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276. Hey, Dr. Cox, I heard you were hiring
Dr. Turk as the new Chief of Surgery.
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277. - I told her the good news.
- It's not happening.
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278. I have tried to communicate
that message to you
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279. every single way I know how,
but you won't hear it.
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280. Honestly, the only option I have left
is to concentrate really hard
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281. and see if I can shoot
my actual message
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282. right into your big bald head.
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283. I know you don't wanna give me the job.
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284. My God, it worked.
This is a terrific day for science.
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285. Time to call in the closer.
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286. A word.
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287. Why do you always have your wife
fight your battles for you?
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288. I do. Get him, woman.
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289. - What are you doing?
- I'm doctoring my file.
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290. What are you doing?
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291. I'm making a special hat in case black
doctor gets the Chief of Surgery job.
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292. I need you to guard this door
while I take care of some business.
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293. Why should I?
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294. You know why.
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295. The bond that can't be broken.
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296. That was 20 years ago,
but I'll honor the code.
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297. You seemed so happy in the Bahamas.
How come you left?
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298. I thought it was a nude beach.
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299. - It was a church, Bob.
- So?
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300. Fine, I'll go.
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301. - Hey, stop him.
- Whoa, buddy. Hey. Hey.
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302. It was time to go. Mmm.
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303. Oh, good, someone
already gave him the shot.
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304. Hey, can I have that? I wanna put it
on something I'm making.
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305. I don't think that's okay.
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306. It's a hat.
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307. I'm gonna hang on to this.
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308. See, he's fine now,
but when I get close...
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309. It doesn't make any sense.
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310. Unless, of course,
someone is shocking him
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311. by pressing a remote control button.
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312. - What's that in your hand, Sean?
- Yogurt.
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313. - What's at the bottom of it?
- Peach. Peaches.
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314. - Give me that!
- J.D.
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315. Okay, you're clean.
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316. Did you see what he did?
That was my last yogurt.
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317. I know, calm down.
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318. And he said "good" yesterday.
I heard him.
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319. You know what?
Give us a minute to talk. Come on.
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320. What the hell are you doing?
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321. I don't know.
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322. Look, after my parents divorced,
my dad really wasn't around for me.
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323. And I promised myself I was going
to be a better father than he was.
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324. Now Sam cries
like I'm some kind of stranger.
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325. And I like that
Sean has a relationship with him, I do.
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326. - Thanks, man.
- I'm not talking to you, Sean.
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327. You are a great dad.
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328. Then why can't I hold him?
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329. Hi, guys.
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330. If you don't stop treating yourself,
I'm going to have you strapped down.
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331. Naughty.
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332. And you, just give Turk the job already.
He's a natural leader.
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333. Plus, I'm about to spit out a second kid,
I could use the extra cash.
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334. I knew damn sure you were gonna
go ahead and make this personal.
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335. Am I supposed to give him a job
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336. because you and I
are such good friends?
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337. I wouldn't ask you
if I didn't know he was right for it.
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338. Bob, who's the best all-around surgeon
in this place?
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339. Turkleton, hands down.
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340. Kiss more butt, Bob.
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341. And you're giving me lip
for making this personal?
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342. The only reason
you're not giving Turk this job
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343. is because of
your personal feelings for him.
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344. - That's just not true.
- Liar.
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345. The Adventures of Huckleberry...
The Adventures of Huckleberry...
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346. Don't puke on me, Bob.
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347. Sorry. Just a burp.
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348. Look, I know you're just trying
to cheer me up.
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349. No, trust me, there have been times
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350. when I wanted to tell people
you're a terrible dad. But you're not.
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351. You spend tons of time with Sam.
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352. You call him every night
so he can hear your voice.
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353. You write him all those stories
about unicorns.
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354. Seriously, how do you come up
with so many?
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355. They just come to me.
And I got to get them out, you know?
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356. - No, I don't know.
- They're magical.
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357. They're not.
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358. Look, whatever is making Sam cry,
it's not about you. It's about him.
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359. You know, babies are sensitive
to all kinds of things,
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360. bright lights, temperature, new smells.
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361. The cologne I've been wearing
to try and punish Elliot!
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362. Yes! Thanks for the shower
and the loaner clothes.
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363. Look at that face.
It's like he's got all of our best features.
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364. No, he got your chin.
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365. Wow. I'm having a moment.
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366. Bob, would you please close
the back of that thing up?
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367. - Calm down, Perry. It's for the ladies.
- I'm sure they're grateful.
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368. Hey, why did you check yourself
into the hospital for a glorified flu bug?
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369. In my defense,
I thought I might also be dealing
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370. with some issues
from eating a raw starfish.
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371. Oh.
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372. But you know what I realized
when I was treating myself?
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373. I miss being a doctor.
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374. Well, here's your chance to get back
in the game there, big guy.
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375. Am I wrong to not hire Gandhi?
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376. I thought it was going
to be something doctory.
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377. - Of course you're wrong.
- But he bothers me.
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378. Everybody bothers you.
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379. Hell, you used to bother me
when I was the chief,
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380. but I kept moving you up because
you were the best man for the job.
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381. Now the question is,
is Turkleton the best man for the job?
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382. Those are some pretty good
stitches you got going there.
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383. Yeah, I used to be terrible at it
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384. but Dr. Turk made us practice
with oranges every day to get better.
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385. Hmm. Nice buns, hon.
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386. Thank you, darling! Suck it, Perry.
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387. J.D.: Elliot came over later.
Even though it was better,
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388. I wouldn't say
the awkwardness was totally gone.
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389. Whoa, weird flashback.
Like the ghosts of couples past.
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390. - Oh, yeah, no.
- No.
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391. - I'll get up.
- No, no, it's your house.
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392. - It's so silly.
- Okay.
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393. - It's your house.
- You guys go there.
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394. J.D.: Ladies should sit.
- There you go. Thank you.
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395. Well, no, that's kind of weird.
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396. - It's nice, but not...
- I'll get up.
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397. J.D.: I'm a guest. I guess the guest...
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398. You together.
J.D.: We're the guests.
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399. Yeah, exactly.
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400. The guests.
The guests will sit on the couch.
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401. That's where guests sit.
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402. Can I get you guys anything?
Wine maybe?
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403. - I'll have a yogurt.
- Don't start.
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404. You know what we should do?
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405. Sam's napping, let's watch this video
I've been making of him.
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406. Yes.
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407. J.D.: There are moments in your life
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408. that make you realize
what you've been missing.
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409. Whether it's an old job.
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410. Or the best person for a new job.
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411. Congratulations,
you're the new Chief of Surgery.
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412. - Say thank you.
- Thank you.
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413. I told you. I told you, baby.
I told everyone. Come here.
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414. I told everyone. Hail to the chief.
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415. So there he is with his little red wagon.
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416. And that's my cousin's puppy.
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417. J.D.: As I sat there, enjoying images
from my son's young life,
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418. I realized that I was seeing
these moments the same way
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419. Sean and Elliot were, for the first time.
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420. The truth is, no matter how hard I tried,
I was gonna miss a lot.
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421. Because even the best part-time father
in the world, is still a part-time father.
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422. I think I'm going to move here.
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423. Great.
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424. I'm not wearing that.
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425. It's not up to you.
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426. Fine.
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427. It is kind of cool.
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428. I want it back.
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429. Too late. Chief coming through.
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430. Salute.
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431. There it is.
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432. I'll just wear my other one.
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