Scrubs 8x16

1. J.D.: After a weekend with Sam, it's always sad

2. driving him the 37 minutes back to Kim's house.

3. Still, there was one positive.

4. Elliot's a bit territorial, so if I got any physical contact from Kim...

5. Oh, your collar's messed up.

6. on the way home Elliot made me pull over for car sex.

7. I know I shouldn't exploit her insecurities,

8. but car sex really appeals to my exhibitionist side.

9. Here we are.

10. That bitch better watch her hands.

11. Hi, Kim.

12. Hi.

13. Oh, J.D., you have fuzz in your hair.

14. J.D.: I know. I put it there.

15. I need to tell you guys something.

16. It didn't matter what Kim had to say.

17. Elliot was already in car-sex mode.

18. Yeah, to save time, I'll just probably take off my underwear here.

19. Whatever's good for you.

20. Nothing could stop this train.

21. Ta-da!

22. Sean?

23. You know, unless Kim was dating Elliot's stupid ex-boyfriend.

24. Hey, Elliot. J.D.

25. Sean.

26. You know what sucks?

27. I have to hire a new Chief of Surgery and I just can't fathom

28. giving any of you tiny-brained scalpel jockeys a leadership position.

29. Honestly, so far,

30. this is the only candidate who I'm seriously considering.

31. The guy has the opposable thumbs,

32. so you automatically know he can handle the job.

33. And, well, I was just thinking if you slap a diaper on him

34. and maybe tape some glasses to his face,

35. sure-shooting he'll look professional enough.

36. You know what? I'm gonna call the gentleman.

37. I'd be great at that job.

38. - Then go for it. - Chief of Surgery?

39. Baby, one of the most amazing things about you

40. is that when you want something badly enough,

41. you always make it happen.

42. Remember when you first started working here

43. and I had no interest in dating you? What did you do?

44. I made it happen.

45. And what about when I had no interest in marrying you?

46. I made it happen.

47. Go make this happen.

48. I'm doing it.

49. Even though you didn't used to like me, I'm your world now, right?

50. My whole world.

51. That's what I'm talking about.

52. No, thanks.

53. So how's married life?

54. You have to make compromises.

55. Like my wife's allergic to raccoons, so I had to throw out my comforter.

56. How was your honeymoon?

57. Did you know that Kelso stayed in the Bahamas, too?

58. I love you.

59. I love you, too.

60. Let's never leave.

61. Yeah, we saw him.

62. Yeah, I'm sorry.

63. I was so blitzed with rum drinks, I could barely remember where I was.

64. I feel horrible.

65. Oh, no, stop it.

66. At first, you were like the third wheel from hell,

67. but then we made you do stuff.

68. Had you pay for our meals, got you into a couple bar fights.

69. Oh, on the beach, we bet you you couldn't eat a starfish.

70. - And? - I owe you a buck.

71. - So you had fun with it. - Oh, yeah.

72. - Good. - Folks, I'm sorry, but we have to close.

73. Our pastry maker was just admitted to the hospital

74. with a highly contagious intestinal virus.

75. What the hell? I'm already in it.

76. Hi, I need to check myself in.

77. For what?

78. For that.

79. So we've been dating, what? About a month?

80. And I just didn't wanna say anything

81. until I knew it was gonna go somewhere, and...

82. Well, we hit a little speed bump

83. when I first found out that Sam was your baby.

84. Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.

85. Yeah. She wouldn't, but...

86. That's sweet.

87. I just don't understand how you two even met.

88. Did someone introduce you?

89. I love you?

90. Sweetie, it was over a year ago. You and I weren't even together.

91. And I figured at most they could end up friends.

92. Well, you also told me he was great in the sack.

93. Kim, I will kill you.

94. He's not, sweetie.

95. I can't do this all on my own

96. No, I know

97. I'm no Superman

98. I'm no Superman

99. See you then.

100. They're coming by for lunch so we can air everything out

101. and get past all this weirdness.

102. Sean's coming here?

103. You don't realize how much it sucks

104. to spend time with someone you used to sleep with.

105. You used to sleep with Kim and I have to see her every week.

106. - That's totally different. - How?

107. I don't know, Elliot. I'm not some genius

108. that knows why things that seem the same are actually very different.

109. Be crazier.

110. Did you put on that cologne I hate to punish me?

111. That's insane.

112. J.D.: Insanely true.

113. Go.

114. Now, I know I gave all of you five-to-one odds,

115. but no one stitches an orange faster than me. No one.

116. I am a god! Done!

117. Damn it.

118. Oh, good, this is where you interns are located.

119. Here I was worried you were out taking care of sick people.

120. Finished. Oh, crap.

121. Leave.

122. I'll take that.

123. - I heard you were looking for me. - Yes.

124. I want to officially put my name in for the Chief of Surgery.

125. That's a good one.

126. Laugh all you want, but I'm still getting that job.

127. I know we don't always get along personally,

128. but in my defense, it's because you're a huge jackass.

129. I'm the best cutter in this place and you know it.

130. When you put it that way,

131. you compel me to consult with the Decision Committee.

132. "Say, Perry?"Yes, Perry?"

133. "Listen, I was wondering,

134. "can Dr. Turk here be the new Chief of Surgery?"

135. "Well, I haven't hit the bottle yet today so I'm not that drunk.

136. "The answer's no, not in this lifetime."

137. Sorry, there, I did everything possible. Strength.

138. - How are you feeling? - Not great.

139. But now when I hurl,

140. I've been trying to say the names of my favorite novels, so that's fun.

141. Hmm.

142. Look, I'm sure I just have an enterovirus,

143. so order me forty cc's of...

144. No, you are not a doctor here anymore, you will not treat yourself.

145. I'm siccing the interns on you.

146. Oh, come on. Hi.

147. - Hi. - Hi.

148. What happened to your sleeve there, Tex?

149. I sewed an orange onto it.

150. I'll take the foreigner.

151. Yay! I'm so happy.

152. I dropped Sam off at the daycare upstairs

153. and they seem really good with him.

154. - Yeah, they were good. - Didn't they? Yeah.

155. - It was a good group of people. - So good.

156. - Good, good. - Good things are good. So it's good.

157. Stop saying "good," Sean. You sound like an ass.

158. You said it too. He said "good."

159. No, I didn't, Sean. Can you believe this guy?

160. I need to talk to Kim, maybe we should divide up.

161. I vote yes.

162. - You said "good." - Nobody cares, Sean.

163. Nobody cares.

164. Am I gonna have a office this fancy when I'm the Chief of Surgery?

165. It's dangerous to try to reason with delusional people,

166. so I'm just gonna go about my business.

167. Okay, I'll go, but only because it's time for my peer recommendation.

168. Right here, buddy.

169. I get embarrassed when people say nice things about me.

170. Handle your business.

171. Dr. Turk should be chief because he's skilled technically,

172. he's super-efficient, he's got an awesome dong,

173. he's great with laparoscopic procedures,

174. patients love him...

175. What was that middle one?

176. Laparoscopic?

177. So you're the best he could muster up?

178. Oh, no, I'm not the only one. We all want Turk.

179. You want him to be the Chief of Surgery?

180. That depends. Does he get a special chief hat, like a police chief?

181. - No. - Okay.

182. If you give him the job, and I make him a hat,

183. will you force him to wear it?

184. I was thinking like an old time scuba diver helmet.

185. "Hello. You need a new colon."

186. No.

187. Is that a maybe?

188. You ready to do this?

189. Let's air some crap out.

190. I feel guilty because we used to be friends

191. and now I resent you so much for having a baby with J.D.

192. That sometimes I dream about you dying.

193. Also, if you ever even touch J.D.,

194. I have sex with him in the car in front of a random creepy bicyclist

195. that J.D. Thinks I don't see.

196. - That sounds healthy. - I think it is.

197. Look, if it makes you feel any better,

198. I used to dream about you dying all the time.

199. - Really? - Yeah. Seriously.

200. What do you think the women are talking about?

201. I'm not psychic, Sean.

202. But they better not be all chummy,

203. chatting about which one of us is better in bed.

204. They're women. They don't talk about that.

205. J.D.'s better at sex, Sean's better at foreplay.

206. J.D.'s great at foreplay. He just takes the "play" part literally,

207. so you've got to embrace all of his games.

208. You know, there's "Nooks and Crannies,"Upsy-Daisies."

209. - "Who's in There?" - Oh.

210. Followed after by "What's in There?"

211. - "Mr. Peep Tries on Hats." - Love that one.

212. It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives.

213. I know. But I also know

214. the girls aren't gonna let up until we make peace.

215. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit

216. and both say something nice about each other?

217. I'll go first.

218. Look at you.

219. There's no way around it, you're a beautiful man.

220. - Thank you, J.D. - Now you go.

221. - I never agreed to that. - You beautiful son of a bitch.

222. Look, we need to stop seeing each other as enemies.

223. Sean, you and I have had sex with the same women,

224. therefore, we're wiener cousins.

225. And where I come from, this right here is stronger than family.

226. - That's ridiculous. - Oh, is it ridiculous, fellows?

227. Nurse Roberts. Both of them, one night. May she rest in peace.

228. Cuz?

229. Okay.

230. - I'm not hooking fingers. - Okay, it won't be official.

231. We touched. It counts.

232. I'm just putting an IV in, okay?

233. Sir?

234. Sir, are you okay?

235. Bah!

236. One-nothing, Bobbo.

237. Good one. Hold still.

238. Damn it! We're even.

239. That wasn't a vein, was it?

240. That's okay, sweetheart. You're probably just nervous.

241. So why don't you go get a cup of water to relax and we'll try it again?

242. Thanks. I'll be right back.

243. Take your time.

244. The Grapes of... The Grapes of Wrath!

245. I'm so proud of you for working things out with Sean.

246. What can I say? He's my wiener cuz.

247. Kim and I are bajingo sisters.

248. - You always wanted one of those. - I know!

249. - There's Sammy. - Hey.

250. Hi.

251. It's okay. It's okay.

252. J.D.: As a parent, you realize there are things much more annoying

253. than your child crying in your ear.

254. Someday, he'll lie to your face.

255. - Oh, who placed that IV? - That other intern did it.

256. Mmm-hmm.

257. Or he'll relentlessly pester you for a toy he wants.

258. Are you gonna give me that job or what?

259. He's a little sad.

260. Oh. Can you take him? He never cries when Sean holds him.

261. J.D.: Still, nothing really matters as long as you know in your heart

262. that your child loves you the most.

263. All better, little man.

264. Bye, guys.

265. - What was that? - Don't worry about it.

266. So Sam stopped crying the second Sean picked him up, huh?

267. - That's harsh. - I know.

268. J.D. Was a little quiet last night, but I'm proud of him.

269. He's really handling it well.

270. Your plan to sex up my old girlfriend

271. so you can turn my baby boy against me is over.

272. Hey, buddy.

273. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. What's wrong? What's wrong?

274. It's okay. How are you doing this? Are you a sorcerer?

275. Hey, J.D.

276. Hey, Dr. Cox, I heard you were hiring Dr. Turk as the new Chief of Surgery.

277. - I told her the good news. - It's not happening.

278. I have tried to communicate that message to you

279. every single way I know how, but you won't hear it.

280. Honestly, the only option I have left is to concentrate really hard

281. and see if I can shoot my actual message

282. right into your big bald head.

283. I know you don't wanna give me the job.

284. My God, it worked. This is a terrific day for science.

285. Time to call in the closer.

286. A word.

287. Why do you always have your wife fight your battles for you?

288. I do. Get him, woman.

289. - What are you doing? - I'm doctoring my file.

290. What are you doing?

291. I'm making a special hat in case black doctor gets the Chief of Surgery job.

292. I need you to guard this door while I take care of some business.

293. Why should I?

294. You know why.

295. The bond that can't be broken.

296. That was 20 years ago, but I'll honor the code.

297. You seemed so happy in the Bahamas. How come you left?

298. I thought it was a nude beach.

299. - It was a church, Bob. - So?

300. Fine, I'll go.

301. - Hey, stop him. - Whoa, buddy. Hey. Hey.

302. It was time to go. Mmm.

303. Oh, good, someone already gave him the shot.

304. Hey, can I have that? I wanna put it on something I'm making.

305. I don't think that's okay.

306. It's a hat.

307. I'm gonna hang on to this.

308. See, he's fine now, but when I get close...

309. It doesn't make any sense.

310. Unless, of course, someone is shocking him

311. by pressing a remote control button.

312. - What's that in your hand, Sean? - Yogurt.

313. - What's at the bottom of it? - Peach. Peaches.

314. - Give me that! - J.D.

315. Okay, you're clean.

316. Did you see what he did? That was my last yogurt.

317. I know, calm down.

318. And he said "good" yesterday. I heard him.

319. You know what? Give us a minute to talk. Come on.

320. What the hell are you doing?

321. I don't know.

322. Look, after my parents divorced, my dad really wasn't around for me.

323. And I promised myself I was going to be a better father than he was.

324. Now Sam cries like I'm some kind of stranger.

325. And I like that Sean has a relationship with him, I do.

326. - Thanks, man. - I'm not talking to you, Sean.

327. You are a great dad.

328. Then why can't I hold him?

329. Hi, guys.

330. If you don't stop treating yourself, I'm going to have you strapped down.

331. Naughty.

332. And you, just give Turk the job already. He's a natural leader.

333. Plus, I'm about to spit out a second kid, I could use the extra cash.

334. I knew damn sure you were gonna go ahead and make this personal.

335. Am I supposed to give him a job

336. because you and I are such good friends?

337. I wouldn't ask you if I didn't know he was right for it.

338. Bob, who's the best all-around surgeon in this place?

339. Turkleton, hands down.

340. Kiss more butt, Bob.

341. And you're giving me lip for making this personal?

342. The only reason you're not giving Turk this job

343. is because of your personal feelings for him.

344. - That's just not true. - Liar.

345. The Adventures of Huckleberry... The Adventures of Huckleberry...

346. Don't puke on me, Bob.

347. Sorry. Just a burp.

348. Look, I know you're just trying to cheer me up.

349. No, trust me, there have been times

350. when I wanted to tell people you're a terrible dad. But you're not.

351. You spend tons of time with Sam.

352. You call him every night so he can hear your voice.

353. You write him all those stories about unicorns.

354. Seriously, how do you come up with so many?

355. They just come to me. And I got to get them out, you know?

356. - No, I don't know. - They're magical.

357. They're not.

358. Look, whatever is making Sam cry, it's not about you. It's about him.

359. You know, babies are sensitive to all kinds of things,

360. bright lights, temperature, new smells.

361. The cologne I've been wearing to try and punish Elliot!

362. Yes! Thanks for the shower and the loaner clothes.

363. Look at that face. It's like he's got all of our best features.

364. No, he got your chin.

365. Wow. I'm having a moment.

366. Bob, would you please close the back of that thing up?

367. - Calm down, Perry. It's for the ladies. - I'm sure they're grateful.

368. Hey, why did you check yourself into the hospital for a glorified flu bug?

369. In my defense, I thought I might also be dealing

370. with some issues from eating a raw starfish.

371. Oh.

372. But you know what I realized when I was treating myself?

373. I miss being a doctor.

374. Well, here's your chance to get back in the game there, big guy.

375. Am I wrong to not hire Gandhi?

376. I thought it was going to be something doctory.

377. - Of course you're wrong. - But he bothers me.

378. Everybody bothers you.

379. Hell, you used to bother me when I was the chief,

380. but I kept moving you up because you were the best man for the job.

381. Now the question is, is Turkleton the best man for the job?

382. Those are some pretty good stitches you got going there.

383. Yeah, I used to be terrible at it

384. but Dr. Turk made us practice with oranges every day to get better.

385. Hmm. Nice buns, hon.

386. Thank you, darling! Suck it, Perry.

387. J.D.: Elliot came over later. Even though it was better,

388. I wouldn't say the awkwardness was totally gone.

389. Whoa, weird flashback. Like the ghosts of couples past.

390. - Oh, yeah, no. - No.

391. - I'll get up. - No, no, it's your house.

392. - It's so silly. - Okay.

393. - It's your house. - You guys go there.

394. J.D.: Ladies should sit. - There you go. Thank you.

395. Well, no, that's kind of weird.

396. - It's nice, but not... - I'll get up.

397. J.D.: I'm a guest. I guess the guest...

398. You together. J.D.: We're the guests.

399. Yeah, exactly.

400. The guests. The guests will sit on the couch.

401. That's where guests sit.

402. Can I get you guys anything? Wine maybe?

403. - I'll have a yogurt. - Don't start.

404. You know what we should do?

405. Sam's napping, let's watch this video I've been making of him.

406. Yes.

407. J.D.: There are moments in your life

408. that make you realize what you've been missing.

409. Whether it's an old job.

410. Or the best person for a new job.

411. Congratulations, you're the new Chief of Surgery.

412. - Say thank you. - Thank you.

413. I told you. I told you, baby. I told everyone. Come here.

414. I told everyone. Hail to the chief.

415. So there he is with his little red wagon.

416. And that's my cousin's puppy.

417. J.D.: As I sat there, enjoying images from my son's young life,

418. I realized that I was seeing these moments the same way

419. Sean and Elliot were, for the first time.

420. The truth is, no matter how hard I tried, I was gonna miss a lot.

421. Because even the best part-time father in the world, is still a part-time father.

422. I think I'm going to move here.

423. Great.

424. I'm not wearing that.

425. It's not up to you.

426. Fine.

427. It is kind of cool.

428. I want it back.

429. Too late. Chief coming through.

430. Salute.

431. There it is.

432. I'll just wear my other one.