Scrubs 8x13

1. Hey, Robyn. It's good to see you again.

2. Now, according to your chart, your hair's been falling out,

3. your nails are splitting and you're fatigued.

4. Robyn, you're a zombie.

5. Hmm. Patient also grumpy and not responding to classic comedy.

6. It's just a little hard to find the funny when you're 32, single and balding.

7. Point taken.

8. Look, we're going to figure this out, okay?

9. And you don't worry, if you need me, I will be here all night.

10. - So you're working tonight, too? - Yeah.

11. Yeah, I'm the on-call surgical attending.

12. I kind of signed up because J.D. Was supposed to be working with me.

13. I'm covering for him. He and Sam went on a little trip to...

14. You know what, it's not important.

15. Oh! No, no, no, no, no. Finish your thought.

16. I didn't want to be the one to tell you this.

17. Kim had a medical conference in Anaheim,

18. and so J.D. Went and took Sam to Disneyland.

19. That's impossible, because he and I swore to each other

20. that since neither one of us has ever been to Disneyland,

21. that we would go for our 40th birthday together.

22. What do you want me to say?

23. I want you to tell me he's not at Disneyland right now,

24. - can you tell me that? - No.

25. You know what? Adults move on, and that's what I'm doing right now.

26. I'm moving on. How do you wanna handle tonight's workload?

27. - Okay, I was thinking... - I can't do it, Elliot!

28. You know, I tried. I tried, but it hurts too bad.

29. It hurts me deep right here. It hurts me. I can feel it in my chest!

30. That man went to Disneyland without me.

31. They got roller coasters that roller coaster in the dark, okay?

32. You don't know where the turns are coming from.

33. They got the Finding Nemo ride where you ride around with Nemo

34. and it's a ride! A ride with Nemo.

35. Okay, tonight's going to be great.

36. My co-pilot here is a blubbering man-child

37. and the interns have been here just long enough

38. that they think they know what they're doing.

39. We totally saved that patient's life up there.

40. Cancer's our bitch.

41. No one does a Foley cath like Howie Gelder.

42. Oh! Yeah! Up high!

43. Okay, I'm not going to get mad because you're new.

44. But I'm kind of the high-fiver around here.

45. From now on, you're only allowed to high-five when I'm not here.

46. "Are we clear" five?

47. You may hit that because I'm instigating.

48. Now get the hell out of here.

49. Dr. Turk. I put that central line on Mr. Phelphs for you.

50. So, next time you give me an assignment,

51. can you make it something that's a challenge?

52. Okay, next time I'll...

53. Make sure you do.

54. Yeah, that's my surgical intern.

55. He's been here less time than everyone else and that's how he acts.

56. - You know what we should do? - Hmm?

57. We should scare the hell out of them.

58. Full moon tonight, guys. You wanna know what that means?

59. Means it's gonna get fricking crazy up in here.

60. Buckle up for some nasty stuff.

61. I'm talking nightmares that you cannot un-see.

62. During my first full-moon shift, psych patient, Tony Belmont,

63. bit off his own tongue and threw it at me.

64. We couldn't re-attach the sucker, so I tossed it into that very Hazmat bin.

65. Later that night, we heard a sound coming from in there.

66. So we open up the lid very, very slowly,

67. and inside is Mr. Belmont holding his own tongue.

68. Do you want to know what he said to me?

69. He said...

70. Yes! Nailed them. Give it up.

71. Guys, high-fiving?

72. I feel like I've been more than clear about this.

73. It won't happen again, Todd. Promise.

74. You're my friends, so I hope not.

75. "I'm sorry" five?

76. - Still. - Still.

77. I can't do this all on my own

78. No, I know

79. I'm no Superman

80. I'm no Superman

81. All right, Robyn, here's the deal. The last time you were here

82. all your health issues were from malnourishment.

83. And now, a year later,

84. you're nine pounds lighter than you were at your lowest weight.

85. But you know what's weird? I really have been eating.

86. Okay. I'm going to have you talk to a specialist named Dr. Paulson.

87. He's on his way.

88. Why are you having her talk to the staff shrink?

89. Because she's anorexic, Turk.

90. You know, I have a complicated psychological issue, too.

91. Mrs. Powell, your gallbladder surgery went terrific,

92. however, I can't discharge you until I'm sure your pipes are working.

93. And since you said it's impossible for you to go "number two"

94. outside of your house due to the fact that you're a nervous poo-er...

95. I feel you, sister.

96. I'm gonna have to ask you to pass gas.

97. Excuse me?

98. You know.

99. - I don't do that. - Women fart.

100. - You know, we should probably go. - I know they do.

101. 'Cause I have a wife and a daughter and they both fart.

102. And she farts and I've smelled it before.

103. - Sorry. I'm sorry. Turk. Enough. - Smells like hotdogs.

104. Okay, guys, the full moon is upon us.

105. It's only 8:30, we already have 10 new admissions,

106. so let's stay sharp.

107. Remember, nights like this are why you got into medicine.

108. Sunny, I'm gonna need you to get the lady in bed six to fart.

109. - I'm on it. - Why don't you just pull her finger?

110. Howie, did you just make a joke?

111. I did, and it felt great.

112. Good for you.

113. And as a reward for the effort, you get the gentleman in bed three.

114. He poisoned himself. We need to know what he took. Go.

115. Gone.

116. Hey, my pneumonia patient, Mrs. Emmitt,

117. is presenting with a crapload of fluid in her left lung.

118. "Crapload" really isn't a technical term.

119. Fine. "Bucketload."

120. Is she being sassy? Because I love it.

121. More than Space Mountain?

122. Why, Elliot? I just forgot about it.

123. Oh!

124. Derek, can you get Denise's patient a thoracentesis

125. and get that fluid out of there?

126. Surgery to the rescue. You are welcome.

127. Aw! That's adorable. You have a crush on yourself.

128. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche.

129. - Where's Katie? - Dr. Turk,

130. I've been doing post-op on your hand surgery patient, Mr. Gold.

131. He says he can't feel anything in his arms from his elbows up.

132. Now, I've been doing research for hours

133. and I think it's either radiculopathy or a brachial plexus injury.

134. Or...

135. Ow!

136. He's lying. Patients do that. Katie, a word, please?

137. Look, that man is homeless and not all there.

138. You see his bandages?

139. It means he's been chewing at his sutures.

140. I'm probably gonna have to strap him down.

141. I can find another way to make him stop.

142. Suit yourself. If he messes up my handiwork, it's on you.

143. Hi, Mr. Gold, can you do me a favor and stop chewing on your hands?

144. Pass.

145. I had to talk to that shrink for an hour. Dr. Reid, I am not anorexic.

146. You've lost weight, you're anemic, your pre-albumin is low.

147. I mean, all symptoms point to it.

148. Well, who are you going to believe, me or that stupid chart?

149. Robyn, I'm a doctor. We believe everything on the charts.

150. That's why I write "Elliot has a slamming tushie"

151. on every single one. See? Right here.

152. Okay. I keep making jokes at all the wrong times, don't I?

153. Look, I know that this is hard...

154. It's only hard because it isn't true. I've been eating.

155. But you've already made up your mind, haven't you?

156. Mrs. Powell, it's not your fault you don't want to pass gas.

157. It's society's.

158. I mean, guys have always been allowed to do it.

159. There's no shame for them.

160. But if a girl lets out even a little squeaker, she's a freak.

161. So, come on, for women everywhere.

162. Let's do it together on the count of three.

163. One, two, three.

164. Oh! You didn't do it.

165. Neither did you.

166. There's people around.

167. Hi, Mr. Swick. I'm Dr. Gelder. You know what?

168. I'm going to grab a chart that doesn't say

169. "Elliot has a slamming tushie" on it.

170. Much better. Now, Mr. Swick. Nope, look, this one's got it, too.

171. Is her butt that nice?

172. It's okay for a white chick.

173. Now, I want you to tell me how you poisoned yourself.

174. - I can't. - Why not?

175. Because you're not my doctor. You may sound like him,

176. and you look exactly like him, but you're not him.

177. Excuse me.

178. All right. Thanks, Dr. Paulson.

179. So, the staff shrink says that Mr. Swick has Capgras Syndrome.

180. It's a brain disorder.

181. Basically, it means he thinks everyone in his life

182. has been replaced by an identical impostor.

183. That's wicked cool.

184. I know, dude!

185. If we sent the twins from radiology in there his brain would explode.

186. But still, I think it's more important that we try and figure out what he ingested,

187. you know, so he doesn't die.

188. Yeah. Fine.

189. Hey, Katie. How's it going?

190. Doing great over here.

191. It's hard to believe that we were interns eight years ago, you know?

192. What?

193. Oh! Sorry, my patient, Robyn, sort of got into my head,

194. so I'm just looking over her case history.

195. Yeah, that's crazy boring to me, so you know what I'm going to do?

196. I'm gonna just continue my conversation.

197. All the signs point to anorexia.

198. Do you like being a doctor?

199. Maybe I just wanna believe her.

200. I love being a doctor.

201. It's not like all of those other jobs where you just sit on your ass all day.

202. You actually get to do things.

203. Okay, Mrs. Emmitt, there's going to be a little discomfort from the needle,

204. but not too much. Prepare to witness perfection.

205. Did you really just say that?

206. I also like that doctors get to think on their feet.

207. Mr. Swick, I want to commend you for not disclosing

208. what you ingested before, because, well,

209. you were actually talking to my imposter.

210. I knew it!

211. And I'm impressed 'cause the differences are subtle.

212. You see, his voice sounds like this. And my voice sounds like this.

213. I heard it.

214. Anyway, why don't you just tell me what you took before he comes back?

215. Yes! I tricked his ass! Someone give me some!

216. Look, I came from home because I couldn't sleep.

217. Howie, I've decided I am not comfortable

218. with you giving high-fives, even when I'm not here.

219. But I just totally nailed a diagnosis.

220. The fact that I'm not making a tremendous sex joke right now

221. about who or what I nailed tonight should tell you how serious I am.

222. You know what? I'm spending so much time

223. focusing on Robyn's past that I'm prejudicing myself.

224. I mean, if I just looked at her admission form from this morning,

225. "Young woman who has undergone a drastic weight loss

226. "even though she says she's been eating,"

227. well, I'd know exactly what to look for.

228. Handle your business. I'll go check on the interns.

229. Katie, no!

230. - But it works. - I said no. He's human.

231. - Do we got blast-off yet? - Nothing yet.

232. Give me some good news, man. I need a win.

233. He overdosed on acetaminophen.

234. - There we go. - Boo-yah.

235. Hey, Derek, everything all good in here?

236. You know it!

237. But I'm getting some bubbles coming out with the fluid.

238. - Is that supposed to happen? - No.

239. Step back, please. Thank you.

240. Mrs. Emmitt, I'm gonna need you to hold still.

241. You might have a collapsed lung.

242. Quick, tell him that's impossible

243. because you're the greatest doctor in the world.

244. The troops are one for four. How's it going over here?

245. Not great. Robyn is HIV positive.

246. That sucks.

247. Yeah.

248. When she wakes up I have to tell her.

249. Elliot, maybe it won't be so bad.

250. You know, we made a lot of headway with HIV.

251. It's not a death sentence anymore.

252. Check out Mr. Maller over here. He found out he was HIV positive today.

253. All right, admittedly, he's not psyched about that,

254. he's actually watching sports on his computer.

255. - Oh! - Yeah. Elliot, my point is,

256. maybe it won't be that hard telling Robyn she has the Hivvie.

257. Hivvie?

258. I heard somebody say it and I thought it was kind of cool.

259. It sounds like a dance the kids do nowadays, you know.

260. Do the Hivvie Do the Hivvie

261. Do the Hivvie Do the Hivvie

262. Like this?

263. - Do the Hivvie - Do the Hivvie

264. Break it down.

265. - Do the Hivvie - Do the Hivvie

266. There it is. Do the...

267. I like it when you do the Hivvie.

268. We should not do the Hivvie!

269. Okay.

270. Do the Hivvie Do the Hivvie

271. Mrs. Emmitt, we can't drain the fluid in your chest

272. until we repair your collapsed lung.

273. How did I get a collapsed lung?

274. That happened when I tried to drain the fluid. I'm sorry.

275. Okay, but when it's fixed,

276. I want the procedure to be done by a real doctor.

277. So how long is it before you become a real doctor? Is it soon?

278. Back off, okay?

279. Oh! Come on! When you act all hurt it ruins all the fun for me!

280. Anything?

281. No.

282. Mrs. Powell, when I was a kid,

283. my mom used to tell me that farts were demons

284. that were crawling around in your belly, and if I ever let one out

285. it would give my grandma cancer. So, I know what you're going through.

286. But let me tell you the real issue here.

287. The number one killer in hospitals is infection.

288. And since you just underwent surgery, you're very susceptible.

289. We need to get you out of here,

290. but we can't until you do it, so it's up to you.

291. I'm so sorry we have to strap your arms down.

292. Please know I'm just trying to help.

293. Hey, Katie.

294. I can't really talk right now.

295. Looks like someone got her first face-spitting.

296. See, there's lots of things to hate about being a doctor.

297. I mean, for starters, no woman looks good in scrubs,

298. but guys do, it's unfair.

299. Plus, malpractice insurance, bad hours...

300. Yeah, but at least you guys in medicine get to figure stuff out.

301. You know, you were like a detective with your HIV patient.

302. Surgeons, all we do is cut and sew.

303. Sometimes I feel like a glorified mechanic.

304. Yeah.

305. Well, the spleen's shot to hell. I'm gonna have to remove it.

306. While I'm in there, I might as well get that gall-bladder, too.

307. I mean, you could leave it in there,

308. but you're just gonna be back here in a couple months.

309. To be honest with you, I ain't too great with those Japanese models.

310. I'd look good in a jumpsuit.

311. If you're going to fantasize like J.D.,

312. you have to talk like him when you come out of it.

313. I'd look good in it. In a jumpsuit.

314. - Better. - Thank you.

315. I got to tell you what else I don't like about being a doctor. The patients.

316. I mean, sometimes they're great.

317. But sometimes, like you said, they just lie through their teeth.

318. I need you to guzzle this Mucomyst

319. to counteract the effects of the acetaminophen overdose.

320. It wasn't acetaminophen.

321. There was a guy in here before pretending to be you,

322. so I lied to him to throw him off the trail.

323. Dude, you're killing me.

324. I think the only way I got through my first year here

325. was leaning on the people around me.

326. You know how you found Carla and I found J. D?

327. Do you ever think how weird it would have been

328. if you and I had found each other?

329. Elliot, you're very cute. But your booty is really tiny.

330. I don't know what I would do with that thing.

331. You could start by smacking it.

332. And secondly, if we were in a committed relationship,

333. I'd have gained, like, 30 to 40 pounds for you.

334. - Really? - No.

335. Still, this place could have used some jungle fever.

336. You know, the whole white doctor, black surgeon thing.

337. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why is this happening?

338. That whole pathetic, no self-esteem thing you have going on right now?

339. I'm really vibing that. That's why I used to date fat guys.

340. You know, the reason why I work on my body so much now is

341. 'cause I was kind of a heavy kid.

342. - How heavy? - 260.

343. Oh! God.

344. You know, we're acting all nostalgic, but we're barely in our thirties.

345. I mean, we could still do anything we want with our lives.

346. You think we'll both be doctors forever?

347. Dr. Reid? Your patient Robyn is up.

348. Great. Here goes.

349. Also, I got Mr. Swick to admit he actually ate fertilizer.

350. How'd you do that?

351. I may have given him a little slap.

352. You'll do fine here.

353. - Dr. Turk! It's done! - Yeah.

354. Just, with me being a guy, I have to ask this question.

355. What did it smell like?

356. Thirty years of repression. And hotdogs.

357. Good job.

358. I'm HIV positive?

359. You were right, it's not anorexia.

360. Wow, that's a huge victory for me.

361. Look, I know it's scary to even be talking about the "Hivvie."

362. - The what? - I'm sorry.

363. Forget it, I'm just really nervous.

364. Look, the point is HIV is very treatable now.

365. Okay, this does not have to ruin your life.

366. So I should just stay positive?

367. Definitely.

368. Because even though I really want to get married and have kids,

369. this will probably make it easier to find someone.

370. No.

371. Don't try to make this okay.

372. This is not okay.

373. This is the worst thing that's ever going to happen to me

374. in my entire life, and you're here to see it.

375. So, you need to find a way to handle it better.

376. 'Cause I get to handle it however I want.

377. Okay. Do you want me to shut up?

378. Do you want me to leave?

379. No.

380. Hardly enough for all the trouble

381. And hardly enough to get it right

382. Here. Sorry about that guy spitting in your face.

383. Thanks, Howie.

384. You smell horrible.

385. I showered three times and I can't get Mrs. Powell's stink off me.

386. It's in my hair.

387. Where have you two been?

388. - Nowhere. We weren't anywhere. - Nowhere. Around.

389. What smells?

390. I'm going to go take a bath in tomato juice.

391. Look at that.

392. They have no idea what's ahead of them.

393. You know, I never answered your question earlier,

394. about whether you and I would always be doctors.

395. You will.

396. You have this amazing ability to find joy in everything you do.

397. Thank you.

398. Whether it's, like, an operation you've done 100 times,

399. or even teaching.

400. All right, Derek, the trick to this

401. is to get the needle right between the ribs, okay?

402. Watch. Like so.

403. And like so. You wanna get it for me?

404. But as for me?

405. I know you think it was a big victory

406. figuring out what was wrong with Robyn.

407. But those moments are kind of like eating a piece of chocolate.

408. I enjoy the satisfaction

409. for about 10 seconds and then it's gone.

410. See, the thing that sticks with me is the anguish on a patient's face

411. when I give them crappy news. I hold on to that forever.

412. You're a surgeon, you occasionally get to fix people.

413. I figure out what's wrong with someone,

414. and then most of the time I can't do anything about it.

415. I just wish them luck dealing with it,

416. or try to keep them alive for a while longer.

417. So, you wanna know if I'll always be a doctor?

418. I'd have to say, "I don't know."

419. I'm a doctor now. I will be tomorrow.

420. But I can tell you that if I'm ever lucky enough to get married,

421. to have some kids, to maybe not need the money,

422. I think I'd walk out of here and never look back.

423. But how am I supposed to express my joy?

424. Dude, you got to find your own thing.

425. I'd tell you to do the low arm-pump, but Dr. Fordham owns that.

426. Here's the coffee you wanted.

427. Yeah!

428. Deb, relax. It's just coffee.

429. Don't tell her there's donuts in the break room.

430. We have donuts?

431. Yeah!

432. Anyway.