1. Hey, Robyn. It's good to see you again.
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2. Now, according to your chart,
your hair's been falling out,
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3. your nails are splitting
and you're fatigued.
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4. Robyn, you're a zombie.
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5. Hmm. Patient also grumpy
and not responding to classic comedy.
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6. It's just a little hard to find the funny
when you're 32, single and balding.
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7. Point taken.
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8. Look, we're going to figure this out,
okay?
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9. And you don't worry,
if you need me, I will be here all night.
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10. - So you're working tonight, too?
- Yeah.
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11. Yeah, I'm the on-call
surgical attending.
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12. I kind of signed up because J.D.
Was supposed to be working with me.
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13. I'm covering for him.
He and Sam went on a little trip to...
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14. You know what, it's not important.
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15. Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
Finish your thought.
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16. I didn't want to be the one
to tell you this.
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17. Kim had a medical conference
in Anaheim,
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18. and so J.D. Went
and took Sam to Disneyland.
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19. That's impossible,
because he and I swore to each other
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20. that since neither one of us
has ever been to Disneyland,
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21. that we would go for
our 40th birthday together.
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22. What do you want me to say?
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23. I want you to tell me
he's not at Disneyland right now,
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24. - can you tell me that?
- No.
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25. You know what? Adults move on,
and that's what I'm doing right now.
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26. I'm moving on. How do you
wanna handle tonight's workload?
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27. - Okay, I was thinking...
- I can't do it, Elliot!
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28. You know, I tried.
I tried, but it hurts too bad.
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29. It hurts me deep right here. It hurts me.
I can feel it in my chest!
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30. That man went to Disneyland
without me.
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31. They got roller coasters
that roller coaster in the dark, okay?
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32. You don't know
where the turns are coming from.
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33. They got the Finding Nemo ride
where you ride around with Nemo
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34. and it's a ride! A ride with Nemo.
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35. Okay, tonight's going to be great.
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36. My co-pilot here
is a blubbering man-child
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37. and the interns have been here
just long enough
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38. that they think
they know what they're doing.
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39. We totally saved
that patient's life up there.
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40. Cancer's our bitch.
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41. No one does a Foley cath
like Howie Gelder.
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42. Oh! Yeah! Up high!
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43. Okay, I'm not going to get mad
because you're new.
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44. But I'm kind of
the high-fiver around here.
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45. From now on, you're only allowed
to high-five when I'm not here.
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46. "Are we clear" five?
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47. You may hit that
because I'm instigating.
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48. Now get the hell out of here.
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49. Dr. Turk. I put that central line
on Mr. Phelphs for you.
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50. So, next time
you give me an assignment,
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51. can you make it something
that's a challenge?
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52. Okay, next time I'll...
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53. Make sure you do.
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54. Yeah, that's my surgical intern.
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55. He's been here less time than
everyone else and that's how he acts.
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56. - You know what we should do?
- Hmm?
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57. We should scare the hell out of them.
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58. Full moon tonight, guys.
You wanna know what that means?
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59. Means it's gonna get
fricking crazy up in here.
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60. Buckle up for some nasty stuff.
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61. I'm talking nightmares
that you cannot un-see.
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62. During my first full-moon shift,
psych patient, Tony Belmont,
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63. bit off his own tongue
and threw it at me.
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64. We couldn't re-attach the sucker,
so I tossed it into that very Hazmat bin.
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65. Later that night, we heard a sound
coming from in there.
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66. So we open up the lid very, very slowly,
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67. and inside is Mr. Belmont
holding his own tongue.
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68. Do you want to know
what he said to me?
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69. He said...
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70. Yes! Nailed them. Give it up.
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71. Guys, high-fiving?
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72. I feel like I've been
more than clear about this.
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73. It won't happen again, Todd. Promise.
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74. You're my friends, so I hope not.
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75. "I'm sorry" five?
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76. - Still.
- Still.
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77. I can't do this all on my own
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78. No, I know
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79. I'm no Superman
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80. I'm no Superman
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81. All right, Robyn, here's the deal.
The last time you were here
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82. all your health issues were
from malnourishment.
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83. And now, a year later,
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84. you're nine pounds lighter
than you were at your lowest weight.
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85. But you know what's weird?
I really have been eating.
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86. Okay. I'm going to have you talk
to a specialist named Dr. Paulson.
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87. He's on his way.
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88. Why are you having her
talk to the staff shrink?
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89. Because she's anorexic, Turk.
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90. You know, I have a complicated
psychological issue, too.
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91. Mrs. Powell,
your gallbladder surgery went terrific,
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92. however, I can't discharge you
until I'm sure your pipes are working.
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93. And since you said it's impossible
for you to go "number two"
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94. outside of your house due to the fact
that you're a nervous poo-er...
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95. I feel you, sister.
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96. I'm gonna have to ask you to pass gas.
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97. Excuse me?
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98. You know.
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99. - I don't do that.
- Women fart.
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100. - You know, we should probably go.
- I know they do.
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101. 'Cause I have a wife and a daughter
and they both fart.
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102. And she farts and I've smelled it before.
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103. - Sorry. I'm sorry. Turk. Enough.
- Smells like hotdogs.
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104. Okay, guys, the full moon is upon us.
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105. It's only 8:30,
we already have 10 new admissions,
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106. so let's stay sharp.
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107. Remember, nights like this
are why you got into medicine.
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108. Sunny, I'm gonna need you
to get the lady in bed six to fart.
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109. - I'm on it.
- Why don't you just pull her finger?
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110. Howie, did you just make a joke?
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111. I did, and it felt great.
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112. Good for you.
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113. And as a reward for the effort,
you get the gentleman in bed three.
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114. He poisoned himself.
We need to know what he took. Go.
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115. Gone.
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116. Hey, my pneumonia patient,
Mrs. Emmitt,
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117. is presenting with a crapload of fluid
in her left lung.
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118. "Crapload" really isn't a technical term.
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119. Fine. "Bucketload."
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120. Is she being sassy? Because I love it.
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121. More than Space Mountain?
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122. Why, Elliot? I just forgot about it.
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123. Oh!
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124. Derek, can you get Denise's patient
a thoracentesis
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125. and get that fluid out of there?
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126. Surgery to the rescue.
You are welcome.
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127. Aw! That's adorable.
You have a crush on yourself.
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128. I'd be careful,
the guy you're in love with is a douche.
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129. - Where's Katie?
- Dr. Turk,
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130. I've been doing post-op
on your hand surgery patient, Mr. Gold.
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131. He says he can't feel anything
in his arms from his elbows up.
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132. Now, I've been doing research for hours
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133. and I think it's either radiculopathy
or a brachial plexus injury.
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134. Or...
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135. Ow!
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136. He's lying. Patients do that.
Katie, a word, please?
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137. Look, that man is homeless
and not all there.
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138. You see his bandages?
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139. It means he's been chewing
at his sutures.
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140. I'm probably gonna
have to strap him down.
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141. I can find another way
to make him stop.
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142. Suit yourself. If he messes up
my handiwork, it's on you.
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143. Hi, Mr. Gold, can you do me a favor
and stop chewing on your hands?
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144. Pass.
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145. I had to talk to that shrink for an hour.
Dr. Reid, I am not anorexic.
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146. You've lost weight, you're anemic,
your pre-albumin is low.
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147. I mean, all symptoms point to it.
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148. Well, who are you going to believe,
me or that stupid chart?
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149. Robyn, I'm a doctor.
We believe everything on the charts.
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150. That's why I write
"Elliot has a slamming tushie"
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151. on every single one. See? Right here.
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152. Okay. I keep making jokes
at all the wrong times, don't I?
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153. Look, I know that this is hard...
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154. It's only hard because it isn't true.
I've been eating.
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155. But you've already made up your mind,
haven't you?
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156. Mrs. Powell, it's not your fault
you don't want to pass gas.
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157. It's society's.
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158. I mean, guys have always
been allowed to do it.
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159. There's no shame for them.
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160. But if a girl lets out
even a little squeaker, she's a freak.
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161. So, come on, for women everywhere.
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162. Let's do it together
on the count of three.
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163. One, two, three.
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164. Oh! You didn't do it.
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165. Neither did you.
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166. There's people around.
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167. Hi, Mr. Swick. I'm Dr. Gelder.
You know what?
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168. I'm going to grab a chart
that doesn't say
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169. "Elliot has a slamming tushie" on it.
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170. Much better. Now, Mr. Swick.
Nope, look, this one's got it, too.
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171. Is her butt that nice?
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172. It's okay for a white chick.
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173. Now, I want you to tell me
how you poisoned yourself.
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174. - I can't.
- Why not?
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175. Because you're not my doctor.
You may sound like him,
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176. and you look exactly like him,
but you're not him.
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177. Excuse me.
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178. All right. Thanks, Dr. Paulson.
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179. So, the staff shrink says that
Mr. Swick has Capgras Syndrome.
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180. It's a brain disorder.
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181. Basically, it means he thinks
everyone in his life
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182. has been replaced
by an identical impostor.
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183. That's wicked cool.
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184. I know, dude!
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185. If we sent the twins from radiology
in there his brain would explode.
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186. But still, I think it's more important that
we try and figure out what he ingested,
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187. you know, so he doesn't die.
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188. Yeah. Fine.
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189. Hey, Katie. How's it going?
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190. Doing great over here.
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191. It's hard to believe that we were interns
eight years ago, you know?
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192. What?
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193. Oh! Sorry, my patient, Robyn,
sort of got into my head,
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194. so I'm just looking over
her case history.
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195. Yeah, that's crazy boring to me,
so you know what I'm going to do?
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196. I'm gonna just continue
my conversation.
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197. All the signs point to anorexia.
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198. Do you like being a doctor?
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199. Maybe I just wanna believe her.
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200. I love being a doctor.
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201. It's not like all of those other jobs
where you just sit on your ass all day.
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202. You actually get to do things.
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203. Okay, Mrs. Emmitt, there's going to be
a little discomfort from the needle,
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204. but not too much.
Prepare to witness perfection.
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205. Did you really just say that?
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206. I also like that doctors
get to think on their feet.
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207. Mr. Swick, I want to commend you
for not disclosing
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208. what you ingested before,
because, well,
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209. you were actually talking
to my imposter.
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210. I knew it!
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211. And I'm impressed
'cause the differences are subtle.
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212. You see, his voice sounds like this.
And my voice sounds like this.
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213. I heard it.
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214. Anyway, why don't you just tell me
what you took before he comes back?
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215. Yes! I tricked his ass!
Someone give me some!
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216. Look, I came from home
because I couldn't sleep.
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217. Howie, I've decided
I am not comfortable
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218. with you giving high-fives,
even when I'm not here.
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219. But I just totally nailed a diagnosis.
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220. The fact that I'm not making
a tremendous sex joke right now
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221. about who or what I nailed tonight
should tell you how serious I am.
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222. You know what?
I'm spending so much time
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223. focusing on Robyn's past
that I'm prejudicing myself.
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224. I mean, if I just looked at her
admission form from this morning,
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225. "Young woman who has undergone
a drastic weight loss
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226. "even though she says
she's been eating,"
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227. well, I'd know exactly what to look for.
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228. Handle your business.
I'll go check on the interns.
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229. Katie, no!
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230. - But it works.
- I said no. He's human.
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231. - Do we got blast-off yet?
- Nothing yet.
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232. Give me some good news, man.
I need a win.
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233. He overdosed on acetaminophen.
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234. - There we go.
- Boo-yah.
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235. Hey, Derek,
everything all good in here?
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236. You know it!
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237. But I'm getting some bubbles
coming out with the fluid.
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238. - Is that supposed to happen?
- No.
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239. Step back, please. Thank you.
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240. Mrs. Emmitt,
I'm gonna need you to hold still.
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241. You might have a collapsed lung.
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242. Quick,
tell him that's impossible
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243. because you're the greatest doctor
in the world.
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244. The troops are one for four.
How's it going over here?
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245. Not great. Robyn is HIV positive.
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246. That sucks.
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247. Yeah.
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248. When she wakes up I have to tell her.
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249. Elliot, maybe it won't be so bad.
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250. You know,
we made a lot of headway with HIV.
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251. It's not a death sentence anymore.
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252. Check out Mr. Maller over here.
He found out he was HIV positive today.
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253. All right, admittedly,
he's not psyched about that,
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254. he's actually watching sports
on his computer.
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255. - Oh!
- Yeah. Elliot, my point is,
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256. maybe it won't be that hard
telling Robyn she has the Hivvie.
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257. Hivvie?
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258. I heard somebody say it
and I thought it was kind of cool.
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259. It sounds like a dance
the kids do nowadays, you know.
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260. Do the Hivvie
Do the Hivvie
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261. Do the Hivvie
Do the Hivvie
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262. Like this?
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263. - Do the Hivvie
- Do the Hivvie
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264. Break it down.
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265. - Do the Hivvie
- Do the Hivvie
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266. There it is. Do the...
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267. I like it when you do the Hivvie.
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268. We should not do the Hivvie!
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269. Okay.
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270. Do the Hivvie
Do the Hivvie
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271. Mrs. Emmitt,
we can't drain the fluid in your chest
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272. until we repair your collapsed lung.
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273. How did I get a collapsed lung?
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274. That happened when I tried
to drain the fluid. I'm sorry.
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275. Okay, but when it's fixed,
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276. I want the procedure to be done
by a real doctor.
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277. So how long is it before
you become a real doctor? Is it soon?
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278. Back off, okay?
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279. Oh! Come on! When you act all hurt
it ruins all the fun for me!
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280. Anything?
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281. No.
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282. Mrs. Powell, when I was a kid,
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283. my mom used to tell me
that farts were demons
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284. that were crawling around in your belly,
and if I ever let one out
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285. it would give my grandma cancer.
So, I know what you're going through.
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286. But let me tell you the real issue here.
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287. The number one killer in hospitals
is infection.
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288. And since you just underwent surgery,
you're very susceptible.
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289. We need to get you out of here,
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290. but we can't until you do it,
so it's up to you.
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291. I'm so sorry
we have to strap your arms down.
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292. Please know I'm just trying to help.
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293. Hey, Katie.
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294. I can't really talk right now.
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295. Looks like someone got her
first face-spitting.
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296. See, there's lots of things to hate
about being a doctor.
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297. I mean, for starters,
no woman looks good in scrubs,
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298. but guys do, it's unfair.
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299. Plus, malpractice insurance,
bad hours...
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300. Yeah, but at least you guys in medicine
get to figure stuff out.
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301. You know, you were like a detective
with your HIV patient.
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302. Surgeons, all we do is cut and sew.
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303. Sometimes I feel like
a glorified mechanic.
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304. Yeah.
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305. Well, the spleen's shot to hell.
I'm gonna have to remove it.
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306. While I'm in there, I might as well
get that gall-bladder, too.
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307. I mean, you could leave it in there,
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308. but you're just gonna be back here
in a couple months.
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309. To be honest with you, I ain't too great
with those Japanese models.
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310. I'd look good in a jumpsuit.
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311. If you're going to fantasize like J.D.,
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312. you have to talk like him
when you come out of it.
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313. I'd look good in it. In a jumpsuit.
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314. - Better.
- Thank you.
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315. I got to tell you what else I don't like
about being a doctor. The patients.
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316. I mean, sometimes they're great.
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317. But sometimes, like you said,
they just lie through their teeth.
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318. I need you to guzzle this Mucomyst
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319. to counteract the effects
of the acetaminophen overdose.
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320. It wasn't acetaminophen.
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321. There was a guy in here before
pretending to be you,
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322. so I lied to him to throw him off the trail.
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323. Dude, you're killing me.
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324. I think the only way
I got through my first year here
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325. was leaning on the people around me.
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326. You know how you found Carla
and I found J. D?
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327. Do you ever think
how weird it would have been
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328. if you and I had found each other?
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329. Elliot, you're very cute.
But your booty is really tiny.
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330. I don't know what I would do
with that thing.
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331. You could start by smacking it.
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332. And secondly,
if we were in a committed relationship,
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333. I'd have gained, like,
30 to 40 pounds for you.
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334. - Really?
- No.
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335. Still, this place could have used
some jungle fever.
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336. You know, the whole white doctor,
black surgeon thing.
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337. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why is this happening?
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338. That whole pathetic, no self-esteem
thing you have going on right now?
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339. I'm really vibing that.
That's why I used to date fat guys.
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340. You know, the reason
why I work on my body so much now is
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341. 'cause I was kind of a heavy kid.
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342. - How heavy?
- 260.
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343. Oh! God.
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344. You know, we're acting all nostalgic,
but we're barely in our thirties.
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345. I mean, we could still do
anything we want with our lives.
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346. You think we'll both be doctors forever?
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347. Dr. Reid? Your patient Robyn is up.
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348. Great. Here goes.
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349. Also, I got Mr. Swick to admit
he actually ate fertilizer.
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350. How'd you do that?
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351. I may have given him a little slap.
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352. You'll do fine here.
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353. - Dr. Turk! It's done!
- Yeah.
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354. Just, with me being a guy,
I have to ask this question.
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355. What did it smell like?
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356. Thirty years of repression.
And hotdogs.
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357. Good job.
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358. I'm HIV positive?
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359. You were right, it's not anorexia.
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360. Wow, that's a huge victory for me.
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361. Look, I know it's scary to
even be talking about the "Hivvie."
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362. - The what?
- I'm sorry.
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363. Forget it, I'm just really nervous.
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364. Look, the point is
HIV is very treatable now.
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365. Okay, this does not have
to ruin your life.
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366. So I should just stay positive?
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367. Definitely.
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368. Because even though I really want
to get married and have kids,
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369. this will probably
make it easier to find someone.
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370. No.
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371. Don't try to make this okay.
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372. This is not okay.
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373. This is the worst thing
that's ever going to happen to me
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374. in my entire life,
and you're here to see it.
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375. So, you need to find a way
to handle it better.
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376. 'Cause I get to handle it however I want.
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377. Okay. Do you want me to shut up?
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378. Do you want me to leave?
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379. No.
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380. Hardly enough
for all the trouble
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381. And hardly enough to get it right
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382. Here. Sorry about that guy
spitting in your face.
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383. Thanks, Howie.
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384. You smell horrible.
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385. I showered three times and I can't get
Mrs. Powell's stink off me.
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386. It's in my hair.
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387. Where have you two been?
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388. - Nowhere. We weren't anywhere.
- Nowhere. Around.
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389. What smells?
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390. I'm going to go take a bath
in tomato juice.
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391. Look at that.
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392. They have no idea
what's ahead of them.
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393. You know,
I never answered your question earlier,
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394. about whether you and I
would always be doctors.
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395. You will.
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396. You have this amazing ability
to find joy in everything you do.
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397. Thank you.
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398. Whether it's, like, an operation
you've done 100 times,
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399. or even teaching.
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400. All right, Derek, the trick to this
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401. is to get the needle
right between the ribs, okay?
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402. Watch. Like so.
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403. And like so. You wanna get it for me?
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404. But as for me?
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405. I know you think it was a big victory
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406. figuring out
what was wrong with Robyn.
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407. But those moments are kind of
like eating a piece of chocolate.
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408. I enjoy the satisfaction
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409. for about 10 seconds
and then it's gone.
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410. See, the thing that sticks with me
is the anguish on a patient's face
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411. when I give them crappy news.
I hold on to that forever.
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412. You're a surgeon,
you occasionally get to fix people.
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413. I figure out
what's wrong with someone,
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414. and then most of the time
I can't do anything about it.
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415. I just wish them luck dealing with it,
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416. or try to keep them alive
for a while longer.
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417. So, you wanna know
if I'll always be a doctor?
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418. I'd have to say, "I don't know."
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419. I'm a doctor now. I will be tomorrow.
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420. But I can tell you that
if I'm ever lucky enough to get married,
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421. to have some kids,
to maybe not need the money,
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422. I think I'd walk out of here
and never look back.
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423. But how am I supposed
to express my joy?
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424. Dude, you got to find your own thing.
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425. I'd tell you to do the low arm-pump,
but Dr. Fordham owns that.
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426. Here's the coffee you wanted.
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427. Yeah!
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428. Deb, relax. It's just coffee.
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429. Don't tell her there's donuts
in the break room.
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430. We have donuts?
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431. Yeah!
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432. Anyway.
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