Scrubs 8x12

1. J.D.: Now that Dr. Cox was the Chief of Medicine,

2. I'd become the guy everyone counted on

3. to fight for the things the hospital needed.

4. Yep. I was the one person who could get him to say...

5. - No. - You need to hire a few more nurses.

6. Look, Tammy, we don't have the money.

7. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free.

8. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic,

9. or sell that beard of yours to the Ridiculous Museum.

10. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people that you drive insane,

11. and tell them that, for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again.

12. You, of course, offer them a monthly subscription

13. at a reduced rate just to reel them in,

14. and then after a while of you not talking to them,

15. people will forget just how annoying you are,

16. and they'll let their subscription run out

17. and, bang, that's when you show up at their house,

18. and you drive them insane all over again by speaking to them.

19. And here's the kicker, when everyone's trying to re-subscribe,

20. you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple!

21. And I'm predicting, and this is a low-end guesstimate,

22. you're looking at about $ 100 million a quarter, easy.

23. You gift the hospital 100 thou, we hire a few nurses.

24. But until then, you go tell Carla it ain't happening.

25. Wow, that was super fun.

26. - Get out. - Nice seeing you.

27. J.D.: Still, I knew Dr. Cox heard me, and sometimes he came around.

28. Nice job, J.D. We're wearing him down.

29. Plus, with my new role,

30. people were treating me with a newfound respect.

31. I don't like how you're trying to make people treat you

32. with a newfound sense of respect.

33. I'm not making people do anything.

34. Then how else do you explain it? Did you hypnotize them?

35. Are you trying to hypnotize me? 'Cause that's not gonna work.

36. I'm already hypnotized.

37. Fifteen years ago, I'm in Vegas, I volunteer to be part of this guy's act.

38. Halfway through the show, the fire alarm goes off

39. and I never get snapped out.

40. There's some word out there floating around like an onloff switch for me,

41. that if I ever hear it, I'll just go completely unconscious.

42. Is it sassafras?

43. It is sassafras. You're right. That's amazing.

44. Of all the words in the English language...

45. Boondoggle.

46. Yes! That was it?

47. You're such an ass.

48. Here's your warning, if you start walking around here

49. like you're the big cheese, I'm gonna have to punish you. Okay?

50. - Pernicious. - Nope.

51. - Albatross. - Oh, boy. Nice try.

52. All right, guys, I'm gonna introduce you to a new intern now. This is Derek Hill.

53. Welcome-to-the-team five!

54. Always use your non-cutting hand.

55. Told you.

56. Guys, if I could have a second to...

57. Hey. Hey. Quiet-down five.

58. Thank you, Todd. You're all dismissed.

59. Listen, if you need anything, I'm here, okay?

60. I think I'll be fine.

61. I like you.

62. I am so mad at you.

63. J.D.: Uh oh. He must've found out that I tracked down

64. the testicle he had removed and turned it into a tiny disco ball.

65. Wait a second. You dreamed that. You're fine.

66. Listen to me. You're the man around here now.

67. So you've got to get your strut on. You know what I'm saying?

68. Haven't you had this fantasy before?

69. Yeah, except I've been working out, so this time I get to be shirtless.

70. - What's that? - What's what?

71. Did you make a disco ball out of my testicle?

72. Get out of the fantasy! Get out of the fantasy!

73. Hell, no!

74. J.D.: That was close.

75. Get your strut on.

76. Behold, King Cheese. I warned you about this.

77. And now, my liege, I'm afraid it's time for your punishment.

78. Let me just put down my Popsicle.

79. Fifteen years and no one said "Popsicle"?

80. - Okay, let's do this. - Popsicle.

81. Popsicle.

82. - I had the craziest dream. - Popsicle.

83. I can't believe he's buying this. It's going to be a fun day.

84. I can't do this all on my own

85. No, I know

86. I'm no Superman

87. I'm no Superman

88. And lastly, let's not forget to get a patient's full history, okay?

89. Especially medical allergies. You can go.

90. J.D.: It's been so long since I was an intern.

91. I wonder what they're thinking.

92. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me.

93. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me!

94. 'Cause I'm going to hit that. Oh, yeah.

95. Time to start yet another day in the suckhole of all suckholes.

96. I'm in such a good mood. I think I'll do a little dance.

97. Wait, Derek.

98. What did you think of your first John Dorian presentation, as it were?

99. I imagine it's what people felt like

100. the first time they heard Dr. King speak.

101. What are you doing?

102. That wise-ass crap always gets you in trouble.

103. Just keep your mouth shut.

104. For, like, a week now I had really bad blurred vision and a stiff jaw.

105. Sounds like my dad after a couple of martinis.

106. Looks like you may have a case of Waspiness.

107. And you may have a touch of the self-laughies.

108. Okay, I'm back.

109. Look, we are gonna figure this out. I promise.

110. Thanks.

111. Still, Dr. Reid has been super supportive.

112. Toss her a compliment as a thank you.

113. Even though that dress is totally inappropriate for a doctor,

114. you are so rocking it.

115. That's awesome because I actually have a policy

116. that if I don't get three compliments the first time I wear it,

117. I have to return it.

118. Now I've got you, J.D.

119. He said this morning that I look scrumdillitious.

120. Yeah, he actually does talk like that.

121. The meth addict from this morning who said he wanted to eat my eyeballs,

122. which I'm counting because the dress really makes them pop.

123. Hey, so, I've been thinking about it a lot,

124. and with the blurry vision and the jaw thing,

125. I bet Paige has Temporal Arteritis.

126. We should do a temporal artery biopsy on her.

127. Yeah, I'm not doing that. At her age, it's probably neurological.

128. - Crap. - Now,

129. just got to remove the price tag because this little dressy is a keeper.

130. Frick!

131. Good.

132. Denise, Charlie, Derek, Elliot, Walter, John, Birdy, Katie and Howie.

133. Thirty-one.

134. I've made 31 new friends since I started here.

135. Hey, Howie, there's mints.

136. Yes, please.

137. Watch out! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

138. Move! Move! Move!

139. - Wait! - Wait!

140. Relax, people.

141. Remote control.

142. A patient once complained that his room wasn't clean,

143. so I stole the motor from his wheelchair.

144. - What are you guys doing? - I needed a mint.

145. Those aren't mints. Those are highly-concentrated mini urinal cakes.

146. - Patent pending. - They're good.

147. Not a huge selling point for urinal cakes, but thank you.

148. Say, Glasses, who told you you could touch my cart?

149. Um...

150. Okay, you can fix this.

151. Hi, I'm Sunny. Don't want to shake?

152. Okay, that's okay. I'll just do a little wave then.

153. Hi, I'm Sunny.

154. Come on, you can't stay angry on such a beautiful day.

155. Apology accepted.

156. And that's 32 new friends. Plus, he's not as weird as they say.

157. Cart, come.

158. - Everything all right? - Yeah, I'm good.

159. Crap, it's his camp counselor face. Please don't try to make me open up.

160. Come on, grumpy bear.

161. You see these little things on the sides of my head?

162. They're not just for holding up my shades.

163. Fine. I wanted to do a temporal artery biopsy on a patient,

164. and your girlfriend ignored me.

165. Classic Elliot. Look, she's totally supportive and nurturing,

166. but she'll never take an intern's medical opinion.

167. It's just not her way. She's not proud of it.

168. Just like I'm not proud of the fact that just because I stand up to Dr. Cox,

169. suddenly everyone thinks I'm so special.

170. You heard about that, right?

171. - I have. - It sucks.

172. - J.D.: Hey, friend. - Best friend.

173. I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy for him.

174. You know what's annoying? We all started out at the same time

175. and now Dorian is so far ahead of us, you know, career wise.

176. You know, that doesn't bother me.

177. Really?

178. This guy wants his spleen removed?

179. Oh.

180. Well, I got his spleen now. Incoming!

181. You know what? Why don't we take everything out?

182. How about that?

183. I've got a heart! I've got a heart!

184. I've got his heart!

185. It bothers him a little.

186. Hey, smiley intern. Can I talk to you for a sec?

187. Sure.

188. - See you around. - Wait, I thought you wanted to talk.

189. No, I just wanted to punish those two for touching my cart,

190. so I rigged the elevator to give them a little bit of a scare.

191. - It's all in good fun. - No!

192. Get me out of here!

193. See and as long as I wear my lab coat, you can't even see the duct-tape at all.

194. The neck line is so cute.

195. This girly talk is driving me insane.

196. And thanks so much, I love this lip gloss. What flavor is it?

197. Apricot-cha-gotcha.

198. Oh, my God, we get it. You have vaginas!

199. On that note, I guess we'll go.

200. A nurse is gonna come by and take some more blood work.

201. Denise, if you'd studied her case history,

202. you'd know that Paige has Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome.

203. She was born without a vagina.

204. Oh, my God, are you serious?

205. No. But if you're gonna act weird around my patients,

206. I'm going to have to torture you.

207. Okay. I'm pissed right now, but that was pretty awesome.

208. Thank you.

209. I'm just frustrated. I really think we should do the biopsy.

210. I mean, it can't do any harm.

211. Oh, please, not this again.

212. If Paige really does have Temporal Arteritis,

213. and we don't catch it early, she could go blind.

214. - Denise... - Look, I'm not good at mustering up

215. this whole over-the-top, puppy dog sentiment thing that you just eat up,

216. but what if I started telling people that I wished you were my older sister?

217. - Do you? - Mmm... No. Not really.

218. I'll still take it.

219. There he is. You ready to go?

220. I just got to go check my messages at the front desk.

221. I'd give out my cell phone number, but it'd be ringing like crazy.

222. Everybody wants a piece of the big dog.

223. I know what you're thinking, Derek.

224. You're thinking J.D.'s a ridiculous, arrogant tool.

225. He didn't ask for this position. So cut him some slack, okay?

226. - Did you guys see that? - See what?

227. Good cart.

228. - J. D! - Yeah?

229. We did it! Dr. Cox is hiring more nurses.

230. Forced overtime for the nursing staff is now over.

231. And it's all thanks to this guy right here.

232. No.

233. Stop it, everyone.

234. Okay, keep it going a little bit longer.

235. And now you can stop it. That was nice.

236. Come on, man, hold it together.

237. You know, if we do hook up tonight,

238. for once you won't be the only one thinking about J.D.

239. Whoa. That did it.

240. - Hey. - Hey.

241. - You're bigger than I remember. - Thanks.

242. I have to know, why did you keep me from getting on the elevator?

243. I touched your cart, too.

244. It's simple. I don't mess with you because I don't think you can take it.

245. You're not strong enough.

246. - He said we were going to die. - We still might.

247. What does he mean I'm not strong enough?

248. I hate this day. This day stinks.

249. This day rules.

250. Paige, I want to do a temporal artery biopsy.

251. Just stay quiet. Don't get sucked into their petty mess.

252. Come on, buddy. Let's go get a beer.

253. What? I thought we were going out?

254. No. Because ever since you lucked into the hospital do-gooder role,

255. you've been acting like a ridiculous, arrogant tool.

256. No, I haven't.

257. And I'm not the only one who thinks it, okay?

258. Oh, please don't look at me. I'm invisible. I'm invisible.

259. Perfect.

260. Okay, yesterday wasn't great.

261. But stick with the plan and keep your mouth shut. Whoa!

262. Why are you being so pissy?

263. Is it because Izzy pointed at the TV at Al Roker and called him Daddy?

264. - I don't want to talk about it, baby. - But why not?

265. You do not want to get mixed up in a lovers' quarrel.

266. So, how was your night with Turk?

267. You know what? I don't want to hear it.

268. I can't believe you hooked up with Howie.

269. I just gave him the side-boob. I'll give anybody the side-boob.

270. You want some side-boob?

271. Mmm... I'm in a good mood.

272. - Boop. - Uh huh.

273. My results are in from the biopsy. Um, watch my food.

274. What the hell are you doing?

275. He won't do anything to me. He thinks I'm too weak.

276. You know what? You shouldn't throw produce.

277. It's very dangerous. I had a cousin that was killed by a head of lettuce.

278. It's a true story. Well, actually not the head of lettuce so much

279. as the pack of sewer rabbits that he stole it from.

280. Sewer rabbits!

281. I'd be impressed, young lady, but I can do the same thing. Observe.

282. Popsicle.

283. Popsicle.

284. Popsicle. Popsicle! Popsicle.

285. As it turned out, the Janitor lied to me about being hypnotized.

286. Paige's biopsy is negative. Great.

287. You know what's gonna happen next.

288. I told you so, I told you so

289. I told you so, I told you so, I told you so

290. Now in French.

291. You want some German now, Denise? Huh?

292. I told her so

293. Maybe she won't rub it in my face.

294. I told you so, I told you so

295. I told you so, I told you so, I told you so

296. I told you so, I told you so

297. Yeah, I'm not gonna do the splits here

298. 'cause this floor's disgusting and I'm wearing a thong.

299. But I can bring it home with a little robot for you if you want.

300. Robot told you so

301. Fine, you were right.

302. But at least we know now. No harm done.

303. So, now I have to have this scar on my face for nothing?

304. I know that it seems big now, but it'll get smaller as it heals.

305. Paige, what are you doing?

306. I know it's silly, but I just...

307. I like my eyes.

308. It's not fair.

309. Can I just have a minute, please?

310. Of course.

311. Crap.

312. Please do not do the robot again.

313. Fine.

314. This is why I don't listen to interns, okay.

315. It's not because you're young or because I'm stubborn.

316. It's because you're not accountable.

317. If there's a mistake, or misdiagnosis,

318. or even a tiny little scar on someone's face, it's on me.

319. And that's how it should be.

320. I mean, interns need a little safety net at first just to survive.

321. So don't feel guilty about her, okay?

322. It was my decision. I'm the one who has to feel guilty.

323. I can't believe you did this to me.

324. Oh, my God, is anyone in more hell than I am?

325. Derek, Derek, Derek. It's Derek, right?

326. Last time you talked to this guy,

327. you compared him to Martin Luther King, so he hates you.

328. Unless his ego is so big he thought you were serious.

329. Derek, I, too, have a dream.

330. Wow.

331. That one day, Turk will be able to deal with my,

332. well, let's just call it what it is, meteoric rise to prominence, you know.

333. It's hard for him because he's used to being the big shot.

334. Oh, my God, is that why Turk is being such a pain?

335. He can be the biggest baby.

336. Hi, I'm Carla. You're handsome.

337. Be careful. She likes brown men. We both do.

338. Kill me.

339. What are you doing sitting with them?

340. And now it's worse.

341. Hi, eavesdropping.

342. Now, I'm not exactly clear on the details,

343. but from what I could gather,

344. my new promotion and subsequent interaction with you

345. seems to have caused a rift in your relationship.

346. And, well, quite frankly, I think it's fantastic.

347. You're being an idiot.

348. And the wife is upset, too? Hotdiggity.

349. Well, you could try and empathize

350. instead of giving Derek over here the googly eyes.

351. - Carla. - What?

352. Give her a break, man. He's like a male Halle Berry.

353. So, what do you say there, new guy? What do you make of all this?

354. Oh, God, I want to answer that. But don't. Don't.

355. Scintillating. Get out.

356. Yes.

357. Free at last.

358. It still feels a little crappy, though.

359. You've always prided yourself on saying what you think.

360. But it's about the job, right?

361. Who is the Janitor to judge me?

362. He doesn't know me.

363. Maybe I should just be happy

364. I'm the one person here he isn't going to hassle.

365. I never asked Elliot to take the blame.

366. Still, I'm glad I didn't have to talk to Paige.

367. That would've sucked.

368. The hell with it.

369. Hey, jackasses.

370. Hey, Mop-enstein.

371. Hey, Paige.

372. I just wanted you to know that even though Dr. Reid took the blame,

373. I was the one that really pushed for that biopsy.

374. I was just trying to look out for you.

375. Anyway, I'm really sorry.

376. Thank you.

377. Okay, listen, you know...

378. A little lemonade.

379. Too sweet.

380. Anyway, you were saying?

381. You know how hard it is to walk around this hospital like this?

382. When sometimes, inside, I feel like this.

383. - It didn't change. - It did a little.

384. Bottom line, I am a strong person.

385. I know. I sized you up right away.

386. Then why didn't you get me back?

387. Have you been obsessing about this? Maybe unable to sleep?

388. All you can think about is the fact that I think you're a weak person?

389. Yeah.

390. Consider yourself gotten.

391. Yes.

392. Yes. Much better. Thank you.

393. It's learning.

394. You guys really want to know what I think?

395. Let me start with you.

396. Martin Luther King, he changed the nation.

397. Dial it down a notch.

398. And you, way to have your husband's back.

399. Way to represent for your man.

400. I mean, the guy's obviously going through something.

401. And what type of sick, twisted, insecure person do you have to be

402. to get your jollies off of other people's misery?

403. Finally, my man.

404. You know how excited I was when I found out

405. that my new boss was a black surgeon?

406. Finally a role model, right?

407. Wrong, because I don't want to become a giant, bald seven year old

408. who's obsessed with his best friend.

409. So, thanks, everyone.

410. You guys have made these first few days very special.

411. J.D.: As we all sat there gathering the nerve to apologize to each other...

412. - All right. - J.D.: Well, most of us.

413. I couldn't help but remember my own internship

414. and all the different things you had to do

415. to be accepted here as a doctor.

416. - You have to be accountable. - Come on, let me diagnose the next one

417. and if I'm wrong, I'll just apologize again.

418. Oh, my God, you're so annoying.

419. - Hi, I'm Dr. Reid. - And I'm Dr. Mahoney, and I'm sorry.

420. I'm just getting it out of the way.

421. J.D.: You have to prove your strength.

422. Hey, Giggle Face.

423. I still owed you for the tomatoes.

424. Thank you!

425. But in the end, all you can do is be yourself and hope it works out.

426. How's it going, buddy?

427. New guy.

428. Hey, Derek.

429. Good cart. Good cart.

430. Who's a good cart? Who's a good cart?

431. Fetch.

432. Good boy. Who's a good boy?

433. Sucks, having everyone here look up to you.

434. - Mmm. I don't think everyone. - Well, of course, not everyone.

435. Is there someone in particular who's not looking up to me, 'cause...

436. Ah, never mind.