Scrubs 8x11

1. Say, Zeltzer, my family is with me here today but all the tables are full.

2. Do you mind if we join you for breakfast?

3. Oh, not at all. I get family.

4. I'm here so much, I hardly ever see my wife.

5. And that's why I installed a Web camera at my house.

6. That way, I can see her during the day.

7. Right now I'm watching her do the Dishes.

8. Who in God's name are those two naked people?

9. That's Mr. And Mrs. Dish.

10. Get out.

11. - Hi, puppy. - FYI,

12. I fired the cashier and the person that made the scrambled eggs.

13. Their accents were unintelligible.

14. What're you talking about?

15. Oh, it's one of the benefits of you being the Chief of Medicine.

16. I can fire people under your auspices. Also, I didn't have to pay for food.

17. I got three steaks!

18. Jordan, that's...

19. Give me one of these. Why isn't he in pre-school right now?

20. Oh, 'cause he told me they have the day off for Yom Kippur.

21. Yom Kippur was six months ago.

22. I hate school!

23. Never been more proud of you.

24. It's the password to my Web cam. I think you're gonna dig it.

25. - Oh, babe, you got a little smudge there. - Uh-oh.

26. What is that, strawberry jam?

27. Nah, just a little blood from shaving.

28. Oh, sweetie.

29. Oh, don't worry, I wasn't shaving myself.

30. Say, Jack, don't you think your mom should be just a little embarrassed

31. that she's constantly being outwitted by a four-year-old?

32. I hate school!

33. I remember.

34. Can you please not be a jackass in front of the help?

35. - I'm gonna get going. - Okay. We're still on for tonight, right?

36. I'll answer that with this.

37. I don't know what that means.

38. You're so cute.

39. I'm actually baffled. Am I gonna see her tonight or not?

40. Was either one of us giving you a vibe that we give a crap?

41. Because, if so, that's an accident and we're sorry.

42. Apology accepted.

43. And you know, just because Lady and I are clicking

44. and you guys aren't doesn't matter, really.

45. Just means we're a better couple.

46. No, I'm just tired of him saying I'm not a good parent.

47. I am a great mom.

48. Oh, really? Then where's your son, Jack?

49. Hmm.

50. Damn it. Jack!

51. This is SportsCenter.

52. After Buffalo Bills tight end

53. Kevin Everett fractured his cervical spine during a game,

54. the question wasn't whether he would ever walk again.

55. It was whether he would live.

56. Thankfully, Mr. Everett both alive and walking today,

57. thanks to an incredibly risky medical procedure called cold therapy.

58. It's as unproven as it is controversial,

59. with doctors still disagreeing about its very effectiveness.

60. Turk, if we have another baby

61. - it'll still be pretty financially tight. - Mmm-hmm.

62. 'Cause we're gonna need to keep the nanny on for Izzy.

63. Are you even listening to me?

64. I'm not, baby, but I was pretending to listen

65. and so I think we can both agree that means I love you.

66. Turk, this is serious. I worry about this stuff.

67. Baby, the only thing I'm worried about is you having another girl.

68. - I'm surrounded by girls. - Surrounded?

69. Yes. Surrounded by girls.

70. - Baby, you, Izzy, Elliot. - Who else?

71. Hey.

72. What's that laugh about? That laugh is never good for me.

73. - You're a girl. - No, I'm not.

74. - What's this show? Is it new? - It's SportsCenter, dude.

75. If you must do that witch cackle can you please do it in the hallway?

76. Thank you.

77. I've been watching this show every day since I was 10 years old.

78. You know, we've asked you, among many things today,

79. how do you feel about the baseball, the football, the...

80. So they just sit there and talk about sports?

81. - Your wife's a dirty whore. - Dude!

82. - Sorry. Not dirty. - Dude!

83. Not a whore.

84. How cool would it be to be on SportsCenter?

85. Welcome to SportsCenter. America has voted. The results are in.

86. And the worst athlete in the world? It's this guy right here.

87. I like wearing a helmet, 'cause I can do this.

88. And it only hurts a little bit.

89. Congratulations, John Dorian.

90. You are a giant nerd.

91. So cool.

92. I can't do this all on my own

93. No, I know

94. I'm no Superman

95. I'm no Superman

96. J.D.: It's amazing watching Turk do his thing.

97. I haven't been to the future yet,

98. but I may be the best surgeon of all time.

99. Close him up.

100. Nah nah nah, nah nah nah!

101. What're you doing?

102. You were awesome. Just like on SportsCenter.

103. Nah nah nah, nah nah nah!

104. Nah nah nah, nah nah nah!

105. I know, that's what I did.

106. Nah, nah nah nah, nah nah nah?

107. Nah nah nah, nah...

108. No, hold on a second.

109. Doe, a deer.

110. No, it's doe, it's a deer.

111. J.D., now is not a good time, okay?

112. That kid broke his neck.

113. - I want to thank you for dinner last night. - Mmm-hmm.

114. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.

115. Yeah, it was hard to get them all in the jugs,

116. - but I thought it was worth it. - Oh.

117. So, what do you want to do tonight?

118. Um, I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?

119. Sure. You know, that's... I'm fine with that. Whatever.

120. Like teenage girls say, "Whatever."

121. We're cool.

122. Okay. I'll call you.

123. Okay.

124. Hey, Janitor. Rock-solid relationship there.

125. You know, there's nothing like looking in someone's eyes

126. and seeing a part of them die.

127. Oh, there it goes! Bye-bye, hope.

128. Everything is fine between me and Lady.

129. And excuse me for not having a relationship

130. built on a mutual affection for jet-black hate.

131. We don't hate each other, do we?

132. - A little bit, but we make it work. - Yeah.

133. - At least I can hold your hand. - There it is.

134. What's this?

135. What the hell? Are you wearing a wedding ring?

136. You just noticing that now? He's been wearing it for months.

137. - Months? - Got to go.

138. I'm a cutter.

139. I usually say "surgery went great" or "he's not gonna make it, I'm sorry."

140. I've never had to tell anyone that their son's gonna be paralyzed.

141. That's gonna suck.

142. I wish there was an easier way to say this.

143. Mr. Hill?

144. Got you a card.

145. "Great to see you, great to talk.

146. "The bad news is, your son can't walk."

147. And see, there's a picture of a kitty cat in a wheelchair.

148. Look at the cat.

149. He's shrugging, like, "What are you gonna do?"

150. "What are you..." We did it at the same time!

151. Dude. Was the daydream helpful?

152. Not especially.

153. I need you to focus. You're better at this than I am.

154. Here's what you're gonna do.

155. You're gonna go in there, and you're going to be completely honest.

156. That's all you've got?

157. Because I've been a doctor for more than 10 minutes.

158. Try not to get too emotional.

159. If you feel yourself starting to cry, do what I do

160. and think of that gopher at the end of Caddyshack when he dances.

161. Got it.

162. And, Turk, most importantly,

163. don't give him any false hope. You know?

164. If you go in there and make him think for a second

165. there could be a happy ending for him,

166. if it doesn't work out, they're gonna blame you forever.

167. I did that. You remember, with my patient Mr. Chazznini?

168. I think about it every day. Good luck.

169. - Mr. Hill? - Yes?

170. I'm Dr. Christopher Turk. I need to talk to you about your son.

171. Miss Jensen, your brain CT came back and as you can see,

172. we were able to get all of the tumor.

173. Unfortunately, we were not able to remove this.

174. That's the song that's been stuck in your head.

175. - Oh, Dr. Cox. - Hey.

176. What gives with you wearing that thing on your finger?

177. It's mainly to deter cougars like Mrs. Jensen here from hitting on me,

178. but it doesn't seem to have stopped you, does it?

179. What's the real reason?

180. Oh, I don't know. Lately I've been feeling warm and fuzzy about the kids,

181. a little less nauseous about you, and then I found this thing stuck

182. to an old piece of gum in the medicine cabinet.

183. I put it on a couple of months ago and I haven't taken it off since.

184. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Perry, we're not married.

185. We're two independent people who enjoy each other's company

186. and are perfectly happy. We're the opposite of married.

187. - I don't want you to wear it anymore. - Fine.

188. Fine, what do you say I melt it down into a bullet

189. - and shoot myself with it? - Thank you.

190. Holding hands isn't so hard, is it?

191. I think there's something wrong between me and Lady.

192. Dibs. Who's Lady?

193. Apparently she's not a fan of hand-holding.

194. And that's what couples do. That and sleep head-to-toe.

195. I'm just not sure she's the one.

196. Zeltzer, when were you sure your wife was the one?

197. It was our fourth date, over at her place.

198. We were sitting by the fire, just staring into each other's eyes.

199. I knew then and there that she was the one.

200. I would've told her but I had a rubber ball in my mouth.

201. I've just been Zeltzer-ed.

202. Mr. Hill.

203. It's Rich.

204. Okay, Rich. Um, here's the situation.

205. Your son's stable, his vitals are good.

206. But the damage to his spine was quite severe.

207. So there's a strong possibility that he could...

208. He really loved that car. The one he had the accident in.

209. He was always cleaning it.

210. Driving it around with the top down.

211. Okay. Um.

212. Rich, the problem with spinal cord injuries...

213. Do you have any kids, Dr. Turk?

214. Yeah. I do. I've got a daughter.

215. They grow up fast.

216. You know, when Mikey was twelve, he was a hell of a football player.

217. Rich, I'm trying to talk to you about your son.

218. - Here's... - Yeah.

219. I know you're trying to talk to me about my son.

220. When they brought Mike in, I saw them poking at his fingers and toes,

221. asking if he felt it.

222. Dr. Turk, I have a pit in my stomach because I'm afraid

223. you've come here to tell me my boy is going to be paralyzed.

224. Tell me it isn't true.

225. We're not exactly certain of that yet.

226. You're his doctor. What do you think?

227. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

228. Listen, something just really funny jumped into my head.

229. What? Tell me.

230. You remember when the gopher started dancing at the end of Caddyshack?

231. J.D.: Oh, don't do the dance, Turk. Don't do the dance.

232. Carla, your husband's not doing very well in there.

233. I can't watch right now, I'm working.

234. You know, if I was married to him I'd be more supportive.

235. You know you said that out loud, right?

236. I'm not ashamed of who I am.

237. And there's a 90% chance that the gopher was a puppet, but

238. this right here, hilarious.

239. Dr. Turk, what the hell are we doing?

240. I don't know.

241. Rich, there's a strong possibility

242. that your son will be paralyzed from the neck down.

243. This isn't fair.

244. I'm so sorry.

245. Please tell me there's something else that you can do for my son. Anything.

246. Don't give up on Mike. Please.

247. J.D.: There's a lot a person can express, simply with their hands.

248. Whether it's defiance...

249. What the hell?

250. J.D.: Rejection...

251. Oh, I said I didn't want to do that.

252. Why?

253. We can talk about it later, okay?

254. Looks like somebody's getting their ass dumped.

255. J.D.: Or even desperation.

256. Please, Dr. Turk. Please help.

257. Don't do it, Turk. No false hope. Just get out.

258. There might be something I can do.

259. Okay. Okay. Okay.

260. J.D.: Uh, Dr. Turk, a word, please?

261. I'm sorry, sir. One of your patients is very...

262. - What the hell are you doing? - What?

263. Don't you remember my "don't give him false hope" speech

264. and my lie about how I had done it with Mr. Chazznini?

265. - That was a lie? - Yes, Turk.

266. I lie to drive my points home, we both know that about me.

267. Look, I actually have a good idea.

268. Mr. Hill, there's a therapy I'd like to try on Mike.

269. But here's the thing, it's very experimental...

270. I don't care. We're in.

271. It's not up to me to make the decision. I have to talk to my boss.

272. Okay.

273. Baby. I need to run something by you.

274. Are you trying to annoy me by wearing your wedding ring?

275. Because all you really needed to do was wear the "Who Farted?" T-shirt.

276. Now, Hun, and when I say "Hun" I don't mean the "short for honey" kind,

277. but rather the "Attila" kind,

278. despite the fact that wearing our wedding ring

279. may actually annoy you, which, don't get me wrong,

280. is one of the most stupendous perks in the history of the planet,

281. the truth is, I'm wearing it because I want to.

282. So that's it. You're just going to ignore me?

283. As much as I'll ignore the opening

284. of Hugh Jackman's next cinematic excretion.

285. Jordan, come on, bottom line, I'm not telling anyone that we're married.

286. This isn't for other people, it's for me.

287. Which begs the question, why on Earth would you care?

288. She can't break up with me if I don't let her talk to me.

289. J.D.: I don't know what was odder,

290. the Janitor spouting random non sequiturs

291. or Dr. Kelso doing his daily post-muffin power walk

292. and rubbing in the fact that he's retired.

293. Must suck to be you people.

294. Baby, it's a long shot,

295. but there's a procedure I heard of called cold therapy.

296. We'd induce a mild hypothermia, which would minimize swelling

297. and hopefully reduce the body's metabolic demand,

298. preventing his paralysis.

299. Hey. Do you have a second?

300. Oh. Honey, I would love to, but I'm just right in the middle of something.

301. Anyway, between the weak American dollar and the,

302. you know, low interest rates, I think you'd be absolute fools

303. not to buy a house right now.

304. And the subprime mortgage foreclosures

305. have just made it a complete buyer's market.

306. - What the hell was that? - I don't know, but it kind of made sense.

307. Look, the problem with cold therapy is that it's controversial.

308. Bottom line, if there are any complications, it's on me.

309. I could get sued, lose my license... Hell, baby, we could lose everything.

310. - The car, the college fund, the house... - What house?

311. - The one the Janitor was talking about. - No!

312. What am I supposed to do?

313. What would you do if it was one of our kids?

314. I'd try everything.

315. There's your answer.

316. - Say it. - You're always right.

317. Well, you were right. Lady and I are doomed.

318. Congratulations, Pam.

319. You think my name is Pam?

320. You know what, I don't care. I have my own problems.

321. The worst part is, things were really going great between us.

322. Tell me about it. Perry and I finally got to the place

323. where we could have sex facing each other.

324. I finally got so comfortable with her that I was able to be the real me, you know?

325. I even told her I don't ever want to have kids.

326. I just want to adopt a really short, old guy.

327. You know what? If she wants to break up with me, that's fine.

328. But I'm just gonna dump her first.

329. I'm going to torture him till he gives up that ring.

330. Hey. Eavesdropping.

331. Things have been going so great between J.D. And I

332. since we started dating again. You want to know why?

333. Not really.

334. No one cares that you two are back together.

335. Why not?

336. Because you've been doing it on and off for seven years.

337. And if any one of us ever want to have another stupid conversation

338. about your relationship, all we have to do is

339. think back and remember one of the other billions

340. of stupid conversations we've all had about your relationship.

341. J.D.: So, Turk, this Elliot chick is pretty hot.

342. She got nice boobies?

343. J.D.: Awesome boobies.

344. So how's the butt?

345. J.D.: Flat, just like I like it.

346. Oh, yeah.

347. J.D. 's gonna hit that flat butt!

348. J.D. 's gonna hit that flat butt! J.D. 's gonna hit that flat butt! J. D...

349. I was just thinking about the first time I told Turk about you.

350. Look, you guys both said that you've been happy lately.

351. Why mess that up over a ring?

352. And why throw all of that away before you even talk to Lady?

353. Seeing as that I'm part of a couple again,

354. I'm gonna give you some relationship advice,

355. whether you want it or not.

356. That's what I do. I can't help myself.

357. Still, don't tear things apart

358. just because you're afraid to feel vulnerable.

359. Hmm.

360. Oh, lookit! You're adorable. Do you got a daddy?

361. I'm just window-shopping.

362. Okay, Rich.

363. Mike's hooked up to the thermal regulation system,

364. his body's now cooling.

365. All we can do is wait and hope for the best.

366. I feel really good about this, you know?

367. That makes one of us.

368. Baby, what am I doing?

369. I am proud of you.

370. Not just for being smart, but for being brave. Kiss.

371. Where'd you get the idea for this risky therapy, anyway?

372. SportsCenter.

373. Excuse me?

374. Nah nah nah, nah nah nah! SportsCenter, the place for sports!

375. - Now's not really a good time. - Okay.

376. - We should talk. - We should talk.

377. - Yeah. - Yeah. I know. Okay. Sorry about that.

378. - Yeah. - But, you go.

379. Oh, no, no, no, you first.

380. - I'd prefer you. - No, no. You go first.

381. I have nothing to say. Please go.

382. - Okay... - May I?

383. I'm not really good at the talking part of relationships,

384. but I've given this a little thought, and here goes.

385. - If I were a catfish... See, that's no good. - Mmm-hmm.

386. Catfish is no good.

387. Let's pretend we're in Africa,

388. and you're a monkey trying to steal my gold...

389. I'm a germaphobe.

390. What?

391. The reason I don't want to hold hands is that I'm a germaphobe.

392. Specifically, a hand-specific germaphobe.

393. Hmm.

394. My therapist thinks that part of reason I'm attracted to you

395. is that you clean germs for a living.

396. And you're a dead ringer for my dad. Whatever. Anyway.

397. Look, uh, I've never told anyone this before,

398. and I just finally feel so comfortable with you

399. that I want to be the real me, you know?

400. I do.

401. - You're weird. - Yeah.

402. I love that.

403. - Really? - Yes.

404. Mmm. Hey, don't touch the table, it's full of bacteria.

405. Oh. Thanks.

406. Well, that sucked. See you tomorrow, everybody.

407. Bye, Bob!

408. They're so cute.

409. But I still think that we're the best couple here.

410. No one cares, Elliot.

411. J.D., you're in the relationship, you have to care!

412. - Sorry. - Thank you.

413. Look, you know what I love about where we are now?

414. It's like I can tell you...

415. J.D.: As I took Elliot's hand and nodded to make her think I was listening,

416. I started to think about hands again,

417. and how they really are windows to what we're feeling.

418. Whether it's love...

419. If you say anything, I'll kill you.

420. Come here.

421. J.D.: Or acceptance...

422. This is great. It's like I'm steering you.

423. Look out for weird coughing guy.

424. J.D.: And sometimes, they can even express hope.

425. So you really think it was the cold therapy that helped him?

426. I don't know. But I'm glad I did it.

427. I'm really proud of you, baby.

428. J.D.: There's got to be a way I could get on SportsCenter.

429. Dr. Cox is athletic. I wonder if he could help.

430. What is going on?

431. Involuntary luge.

432. - J.D.: Eagle! - Oh!

433. That's got to hurt.

434. - Glory always does. - Mmm-mmm.

435. - Look at how his leg's all twisted. - Oh.

436. J.D.: I'm still not sure why luge is even a sport.