1. Okay, Mr. Rego,Copy !req
2. I know you've been complaining
about the bedpans being too cold,Copy !req
3. so I used an incubator in pediatrics
to warm this bad boy up for you. Enjoy.Copy !req
4. You know, I used to use an incubator
to keep my lunch warm.Copy !req
5. Till some whiny new mom complainedCopy !req
6. that her preemie smelled
like a ham sandwich.Copy !req
7. Weird thing was,
I had a tuna melt in there, not ham.Copy !req
8. Most newborns smell amazing.
An unlucky few are ham babies.Copy !req
9. Oh! God, here comes
the happiest person on the planet.Copy !req
10. Hi! Hey! You look so beautiful today.Copy !req
11. Hi! Hi, Katie!Copy !req
12. All the interns are going out for drinks.
Do you wanna come?Copy !req
13. Yeah, I'll get my stuff.Copy !req
14. How about you, dude-chick?Copy !req
15. No, I'm gonna stay here
and catch up on my scut work.Copy !req
16. You can try as hard as you want
not to be my friend,Copy !req
17. but eventually I'm gonna get you.
Come on, Howie.Copy !req
18. If I get drunk enough,
I'll undo my scrub bottomsCopy !req
19. and let you do a shot off my butt.Copy !req
20. All right.Copy !req
21. I've noticed that
you always stay here lateCopy !req
22. - and work after your shift is over.
- I get a lot of work.Copy !req
23. If you don't get out of the hospital
every once in a whileCopy !req
24. and blow off some steam,
this place will eventually crush you.Copy !req
25. So go, okay? For me.Copy !req
26. - Fine.
- Great.Copy !req
27. Oh, my God, Caitlin,
that baby's beautiful.Copy !req
28. Ham baby.Copy !req
29. What? Hell no.Copy !req
30. Got you.Copy !req
31. Holy mackerel!Copy !req
32. Oh, my God. This can't get any worse.Copy !req
33. That is one long-ass booby hair.Copy !req
34. J.D.: Like most hospitals,
Sacred Heart makes their internsCopy !req
35. put on a sketch show
roasting the senior staff.Copy !req
36. It was never any good,
but this year it would be.Copy !req
37. Okay, people, before we begin,
you need to accept one simple truth.Copy !req
38. - We are funny, and you are not.
- Sucks to hear, doesn't it?Copy !req
39. We will be writing all of your sketches.
You're welcome. Let's jump right in.Copy !req
40. I need two volunteers to go full frontal.
Howie?Copy !req
41. No, I have eczema.Copy !req
42. Sunny, Denise? Maybe rubbing
some oil on one another?Copy !req
43. - Yeah, sure, no problem.
- No, not at all.Copy !req
44. Okay, well,
then let's cut the leukemia sketch.Copy !req
45. Dude, no, that sketch is gold.Copy !req
46. Well, if they're not naked,
they're just sad and dying.Copy !req
47. What's funny about that?Copy !req
48. - We make them British.
- Good save.Copy !req
49. It's back in, but only because
this man is a comic genius.Copy !req
50. I have been called
the black Wayne Brady.Copy !req
51. Okay, try and believe in us, guys.Copy !req
52. This thing has not been funny
for eight years, when we were interns.Copy !req
53. I love Jesus
And, Jesus, he loves meCopy !req
54. One, two, three, Jesus!Copy !req
55. - I sure do love me some Jesus.
- I know, Laverne.Copy !req
56. You rang?Copy !req
57. The Messiah, ladies and gentlemen.
The Messiah.Copy !req
58. Shalom and nanu-nanu, my friends.Copy !req
59. - Oh! Hell no.
- Front row.Copy !req
60. There will be a 20-minute intermission.Copy !req
61. I never saw her coming.Copy !req
62. She was killed in a car accident.
I miss her.Copy !req
63. Anyway, let's be funny for her.Copy !req
64. I can't do this all on my ownCopy !req
65. No, I knowCopy !req
66. I'm no SupermanCopy !req
67. I'm no SupermanCopy !req
68. Hey, will you hand me
those blood gas reports, Sonja?Copy !req
69. You can call me "Sunny."Copy !req
70. My dad nicknamed me that
because he said I brighten up a room.Copy !req
71. Of course, in college,
I had a few dark years.Copy !req
72. My car was stolen, I had three...Copy !req
73. Was it three? No, four.
I had four abortions.Copy !req
74. I'm joking!Copy !req
75. I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.Copy !req
76. - Why are you laughing?
- 'Cause I'm scared. I'm not that strong.Copy !req
77. So, how was last night, Denise?Copy !req
78. I ended up staying here
and finishing my casework.Copy !req
79. What the hell?Copy !req
80. At least with my patients,
I'm used to being ignored.Copy !req
81. Like with Mr. Cooper
after his triple bypass.Copy !req
82. I told him to start eating healthier,Copy !req
83. he goes right back
to scarfing down bacon burgers.Copy !req
84. And you wanna know
where he is now, Denise?Copy !req
85. - He's dead, isn't he?
- No, he just moved back to Phoenix.Copy !req
86. I was going to say that he was dead,Copy !req
87. but I think saying that about people
who are still alive is a huge jinx.Copy !req
88. Look, when I kicked you out
of the hospital last night...Copy !req
89. Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.
Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.Copy !req
90. Nope, just my mom. Ignore.Copy !req
91. Look, I promise
I'll get out of the hospital tonight. Okay?Copy !req
92. Deal. Now come on.
I want you guys both to see this case.Copy !req
93. She's a 16-year-old girl
with cyclical neutropenia.Copy !req
94. It's a rare disorder that periodically
shuts down her entire immune system.Copy !req
95. Basically, every three weeks
she almost dies.Copy !req
96. Hey, Brianna, Mrs. Tarasi.Copy !req
97. Just wanted to introduce you
to Sunny and Denise.Copy !req
98. They're the interns
who'll be covering the floor today.Copy !req
99. Oh! Cool.Copy !req
100. If you guys give me your cell numbers,
I can text you if I need anything.Copy !req
101. These kids with their texting
and their cell phones.Copy !req
102. - Our generation never had that stuff.
- Yeah.Copy !req
103. I just kind of feel like, I don't know,Copy !req
104. there's three generations
in the room right now.Copy !req
105. If you want to instant message me,
my screen name is Sunnyhoneybunny.Copy !req
106. Of course it is.Copy !req
107. - Do you have teenagers?
- How old do you think I am?Copy !req
108. - What's up?
- Where have you been?Copy !req
109. - Oh!
- How could you be late?Copy !req
110. This is our sketch show!Copy !req
111. Our sketch show!Copy !req
112. Our sketch show!Copy !req
113. That's cool, man.
It's just a sketch show.Copy !req
114. J.D.: Our sketch show!Copy !req
115. Okay, let's assign sketches.
Partner up, please.Copy !req
116. Yikes.Copy !req
117. I'll be with Denise. Problem solved!Copy !req
118. Can we go now?Copy !req
119. Good morning. Okay, I think
we should just get this out in the open.Copy !req
120. I saw you pluck your special hair
the other day.Copy !req
121. I was there. I saw.Copy !req
122. Question is,
what are we gonna do about it?Copy !req
123. I have an idea. Let me speak first.
May I? Good.Copy !req
124. I believe that
you should give me the hair,Copy !req
125. because I've been scrapbooking
the most disgusting thingsCopy !req
126. that I can think of,
and I want to put it on the pageCopy !req
127. in between my decayed molars
and my snug,Copy !req
128. which is a snail-slug hybridCopy !req
129. that I was able to splice together
in my garage unsuccessfully.Copy !req
130. We didn't see each other yesterday.Copy !req
131. Well, that was unexpected.Copy !req
132. Thank you.Copy !req
133. Okay, Brianna,
your chest x-ray looks good.Copy !req
134. We should be able
to get you home tomorrow.Copy !req
135. I'm just gonna go talk to your momCopy !req
136. about some changes
in your medication.Copy !req
137. Aren't moms the greatest?Copy !req
138. My mom bought me
these scrubs last week, just because.Copy !req
139. Oh! And this morning,
I found this little note.Copy !req
140. It says, "You're super special."Copy !req
141. If that's what moms do,
I'm glad I never met mine.Copy !req
142. "Look at me, I'm dark and edgy."Copy !req
143. I love my mom,
but I wish she would ease up a little.Copy !req
144. I mean, I know I'm sick,
but not all the time,Copy !req
145. and she still never lets me
leave the house.Copy !req
146. You know, I've never had a date.Copy !req
147. It's like she's so freaked out
about me dyingCopy !req
148. that she won't let me have a life.Copy !req
149. - She doesn't want your stupid note.
- You don't know that.Copy !req
150. - Do I know you?
- I'm a friend.Copy !req
151. What is Jimmy
the overly-touchy orderly doing here?Copy !req
152. Dude, he does amazing impressions.
He's a ringer.Copy !req
153. We can put him in any bit
that's not working.Copy !req
154. Like the Dr. Wen sketch.Copy !req
155. It's almost show time.
Let's work out some of the kinks.Copy !req
156. You guys doing the Dr. Cox sketch,
make sure youCopy !req
157. Really stretch out all your words, okay?Copy !req
158. And under no circumstances
are you to tell himCopy !req
159. that I wrote the joke implying
he may have a sports carCopy !req
160. because he has a small penis.Copy !req
161. Unless he finds it hilarious,
at which point you will break characterCopy !req
162. and say, "John Dorian wrote that joke."Copy !req
163. I will then stand,
give a humble nod, like so,Copy !req
164. and then gesture for you to continue.Copy !req
165. Meghan, you're playing Carla.
That's my wife.Copy !req
166. Please show some respect.
Kathy, you're playing Elliot.Copy !req
167. So I wanna see some bug-eyes,
all right? And... Perfect!Copy !req
168. Plus, find some cardboard,Copy !req
169. stick it down
the back of your pants, right?Copy !req
170. Make that ass flat, girl.
Let me see what you got right now.Copy !req
171. - Yeah, we could go flatter.
- We can go flatter.Copy !req
172. - We can go flatter.
- You know, I've chewed on that thingCopy !req
173. - and it's flatter than day-old beer.
- I gotta tell you.Copy !req
174. You know what? I made a funny.
Turk, rewrite.Copy !req
175. I am already on it.Copy !req
176. Katie, dynamite Beardface costume.Copy !req
177. - I can't see anything in this.
- Performers find a way, Katie.Copy !req
178. Use your other senses.
Where are Sunny and Denise?Copy !req
179. Well, you know,
they're supposed to be...Copy !req
180. No, thank you. Cool.Copy !req
181. They're supposed to be playing us,Copy !req
182. but they haven't picked up
their scripts or anything.Copy !req
183. Hey, Dr. Reid,
can we talk to you about Brianna?Copy !req
184. Her mom is being
way too over-protective.Copy !req
185. Unfortunately, my lady,
I saw what I saw.Copy !req
186. You either plucked a giant hair,
or you have mini chest snakes.Copy !req
187. Maybe you're just imagining things.Copy !req
188. Like that time you thought you built
a giant sand castle in the parking lot.Copy !req
189. Or the time you said you hung J.D.
Up like a flag,Copy !req
190. totally defying the laws of physics.Copy !req
191. - I did those things.
- Did you?Copy !req
192. At least I thought I...
Head games aren't gonna work on me.Copy !req
193. Unfortunately for you,
I have a photographic memory.Copy !req
194. For instance,
I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 a.m.Copy !req
195. At 7:50 a.m., I took a nap.Copy !req
196. At 2:45 p.m., I awoke to find youCopy !req
197. plucking a comically large hair
off of your baby-feeder.Copy !req
198. I then took my afternoon nap,Copy !req
199. then I went on break,
and then I went home.Copy !req
200. Couldn't sleep a wink.
Damnedest thing.Copy !req
201. Sad.Copy !req
202. Stop walking away from me.Copy !req
203. And now I'm sleepy again.Copy !req
204. Brianna should totally get
to live her life.Copy !req
205. I'm gonna go talk to her mom.Copy !req
206. But you guys gotta do me a favor.Copy !req
207. She's really starting to get in my headCopy !req
208. with this whole
we're-the-same-age thing.Copy !req
209. So I'm just gonna start
throwing out numbersCopy !req
210. and you guys stop me
whenever I get to the ageCopy !req
211. you think I look like. Okay?Copy !req
212. 22, 23, 24, 25, 25, 25...Copy !req
213. You know what?
This is a really stupid game, okay?Copy !req
214. Aren't you guys late
for some sketch show?Copy !req
215. Crap.Copy !req
216. Idiots.Copy !req
217. Isn't this fun, running together?Copy !req
218. - Shut up, Sunny.
- Okay.Copy !req
219. - Oh, my God, I'm so nervous.
- Welcome to live theater.Copy !req
220. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
221. I'm Bob Kelso.Copy !req
222. And my life is so empty
that I still come here every dayCopy !req
223. to stuff my face with muffins.Copy !req
224. And I like prostitutes.Copy !req
225. That's funny 'cause it's true.Copy !req
226. Hey, I'm The Todd. Wow.Copy !req
227. Looks like we got a full house.
I got a full house in my pants.Copy !req
228. Hello. I'm Dr. Beardface.Copy !req
229. I was up all night sewing.Copy !req
230. - My beard is only this big.
- Lighten up, Seymour. I took my lumps.Copy !req
231. Okay, one last chance to admit
the truth before this gets ugly.Copy !req
232. - Did I see the nipple hair or not?
- You did not.Copy !req
233. Beardface!Copy !req
234. And so it begins.Copy !req
235. Hi, I'm Dr. Wen, and it's an honor
to have you as a patient, Owen Wilson.Copy !req
236. Oh! Come on, Doc.
What about patient-doctor privacy?Copy !req
237. How's that supposed to make me feel?Copy !req
238. - Mr. Jack Black.
- Thanks, buddy.Copy !req
239. Sacred Heart!Copy !req
240. - Mr. Brad Pitt.
- Thank you, Dr. Wen.Copy !req
241. I do have to say it's very hard
covering the medical billCopy !req
242. when you have 14 children.Copy !req
243. You know,
people are always asking me,Copy !req
244. "Hey, hey, Dane Cook.
Hey, Dane Cook."Copy !req
245. Yeah, they use my full name.Copy !req
246. Hey, what's the deal
with tongue depressors?Copy !req
247. Is it supposed to make your tongue sad
or something?Copy !req
248. Like, taste it... This muffin tastes sad.
Why do people find me funny?Copy !req
249. Dude, we gave them too much Jimmy.Copy !req
250. - J.D.: Off the stage, Jimmy!
- Okay, Jimmy. Yay!Copy !req
251. Hi, everyone. We're gonna do a sketch
about Dr. Dorian and Dr. Turk.Copy !req
252. I don't even know
what we're supposed to do.Copy !req
253. - Just follow my lead.
- Okay.Copy !req
254. - Look at your mole.
- It's huge!Copy !req
255. Here are those lab reports
you wanted, Turk.Copy !req
256. Thanks. I did need those, J.D.Copy !req
257. J.D.: They're bombing.
- Well, it serves them right.Copy !req
258. Man, who cares about them?
We did it! We did the whole thing!Copy !req
259. Goodbye, J.D. Thank you so much for...Copy !req
260. How is that funny?Copy !req
261. Hey, Dr. Reid, did you get a chance
to talk to Brianna's mom?Copy !req
262. - Well, I'll tell you...
- Hey, Denise,Copy !req
263. we're all going out for drinks
to celebrate. You wanna come?Copy !req
264. No, I'm gonna stay and study.Copy !req
265. And you broke your promise yet again.
Shocking.Copy !req
266. Look, I promise
I'll go out tomorrow night, okay?Copy !req
267. So, what did Brianna's mom say?Copy !req
268. You know, I've been thinking about it.Copy !req
269. I mean, we have really no idea
what that woman's going through.Copy !req
270. I mean, who's to say that
she isn't right to be so cautious?Copy !req
271. After all, it's her daughter.
So I decided not to talk to her.Copy !req
272. It's really none of our business.Copy !req
273. J.D.: Today was the fifth anniversary
of the timeCopy !req
274. Turk and I met David Caruso
on a Ferris wheel.Copy !req
275. Usually, to celebrate,
Turk would lift me in the airCopy !req
276. while I straddled him
and yelled "Eagle!"Copy !req
277. But this morning, I somehow knew
that wasn't gonna happen.Copy !req
278. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
279. J.D.: Eagle.Copy !req
280. Elliot didn't seem like herself, either.Copy !req
281. I don't care what you think is right
for Brianna.Copy !req
282. Okay, if either of you hassles her mom,
there will be consequences. Bad ones.Copy !req
283. - Okay, why are you smiling?
- I can't help it. It's permanent.Copy !req
284. Donny, muffin, please.Copy !req
285. Not bran. Better.Copy !req
286. What do you want?Copy !req
287. I'm getting ready to torture
Nurse Chest-Whiskers,Copy !req
288. but it's her word against mine,Copy !req
289. so I need you to verify
yesterday's incident.Copy !req
290. What incident?
I wasn't even here yesterday.Copy !req
291. You were there.Copy !req
292. Excuse me. What?Copy !req
293. Shh!
He's standing right here.Copy !req
294. - Me?
- Okay, I'll tell him.Copy !req
295. My muffin thinks you're crazy
and she wants you to go.Copy !req
296. You tell your muffin that I think
she's crazy. Maybe she should go.Copy !req
297. No.Copy !req
298. What is happening to me?Copy !req
299. Nice job.Copy !req
300. That lady has no idea
what's good for her daughter.Copy !req
301. I know. I just want to go over there
and smush her face.Copy !req
302. So this is you mad?Copy !req
303. Did you hear me? Like, just smush it.Copy !req
304. So go talk to her.Copy !req
305. I mean, you're both
sort of almost doctors.Copy !req
306. Part of that is
doing what you think is right.Copy !req
307. - Let's do this.
- Okay, try to act tough.Copy !req
308. And forget it.Copy !req
309. Oh! So, now we can't sit
on the same side of the table?Copy !req
310. - We never do that.
- We always do up here.Copy !req
311. Why did that sketch
bother us so much?Copy !req
312. - We've always joked about our little...
- Don't say it, okay? I hate that word.Copy !req
313. It's a bromance, Turk. You can't fight it.Copy !req
314. It never bothered me beforeCopy !req
315. because I thought
it was our stupid little jokeCopy !req
316. that Elliot and Carla were in on.Copy !req
317. But I didn't know that's how
the whole hospital views us, man.Copy !req
318. J. D?Copy !req
319. - Pretty great, huh?
- Well, when you're right, you're right.Copy !req
320. - Yeah.
- So, how's your day going?Copy !req
321. It's pretty good so far.Copy !req
322. I see you're eating bread again.
I thought you were off carbs.Copy !req
323. J. D!Copy !req
324. - I'm sorry. I'm back. Continue.
- Look, we're senior staff now,Copy !req
325. so maybe at work,
we should tone down the PDA.Copy !req
326. I agree.Copy !req
327. - But does that include...
- It definitely includes "Eagle!"Copy !req
328. Oh! Good.Copy !req
329. Look at that, I'm not hungry anymore.Copy !req
330. Brianna has so much
to deal with right now.Copy !req
331. It just seems like you should let her
enjoy every normal moment she canCopy !req
332. instead of forcing her
to hide from life all the time.Copy !req
333. As much as I hate to agree with Dr...Copy !req
334. Dey.Copy !req
335. - Your name is Sunny Dey?
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
336. Okay, as ridiculous as it was
for her parents to name her that,Copy !req
337. I think what you're doing with Brianna
is 1,000 times worse.Copy !req
338. My daughter's immune system
doesn't work.Copy !req
339. Why don't you two tell me what it's likeCopy !req
340. when your child risks death
every time she shakes hands?Copy !req
341. Do you think I care one bit
what you think?Copy !req
342. We tried.Copy !req
343. You know, yesterday,
Dr. Reid came in and gave meCopy !req
344. the same sanctimonious speech,
and I told her the exact same thing.Copy !req
345. Hey, what's going on over here?Copy !req
346. - Everything okay?
- I'm great.Copy !req
347. I just don't know what's real anymore,
but that's okay, right?Copy !req
348. I mean, so what if big chunks of my life
were just figments of my imagination?Copy !req
349. So I never went to China
and had a baby with a local.Copy !req
350. Maybe I was never in The Fugitive.Copy !req
351. Listen, this place
can make anyone crazy.Copy !req
352. Once, after a double shift,Copy !req
353. I swore I went home
and crawled into bed with Turk.Copy !req
354. Next day, I woke up in the on-call room
spooning Dr. Beardface.Copy !req
355. Now the guy's always slipping me
hotel keys.Copy !req
356. I can't believe
you're being so nice to meCopy !req
357. when I almost punished you for
something that never even happened.Copy !req
358. Please accept my apologies.Copy !req
359. That was easier than I thought.Copy !req
360. No, Beardface.Copy !req
361. I'm so proud of you, man.
You know, I've always emulated you.Copy !req
362. I shaved my privates bald
to look like your head.Copy !req
363. Todd, I'm actually kind of touched.
Come on.Copy !req
364. What's going on?Copy !req
365. They're gonna publish
my old therapy paper.Copy !req
366. J.D.: There it was.Copy !req
367. He wanted a hug and I damn sure
wanted to give him one,Copy !req
368. but all we could do was say this.Copy !req
369. - Congrats.
- Thanks, man.Copy !req
370. J.D.: Don't look back. Fight it. Fight it.
Damn it, you're only human.Copy !req
371. Turk?Copy !req
372. I ran all the way around.Copy !req
373. It's guy love
Don't compromiseCopy !req
374. - People are gonna look.
- What people?Copy !req
375. It's guy love between two guysCopy !req
376. Why'd you lie
about talking to Brianna's mom?Copy !req
377. I'm going first.Copy !req
378. Why'd you go talk to her
after I told you to drop it?Copy !req
379. - It's not fair what her mom's doing.
- And why is that?Copy !req
380. I don't know,
because people need to be ableCopy !req
381. to go out and do things and live life.Copy !req
382. Where have I heard that before?Copy !req
383. Oh! Yeah, it's the exact same advice
I've given you 9,000 times.Copy !req
384. So you had me get crushed
by that mom just to prove a point?Copy !req
385. She even had me give you a little push
so you wouldn't wimp out.Copy !req
386. I'm very bright. Look, I've been there.
I did what you did.Copy !req
387. I was an intern.
I've lived at this hospital.Copy !req
388. I saw the same exact people
day after day,Copy !req
389. which, for the record, makes even
the uggos look attractive after a while.Copy !req
390. Oh! Is that how you got together
with Dr. Dorian?Copy !req
391. What? No. Well, maybe at first. No.Copy !req
392. No.Copy !req
393. J.D.: Sometimes interns think
they know it all,Copy !req
394. but the lessons
really never stop coming.Copy !req
395. Whether you've heard it 1,000 times...Copy !req
396. For the last time,
get out of here every once in a while,Copy !req
397. - or this place will swallow you up.
- What about Brianna?Copy !req
398. J.D.: Or it's something totally new.Copy !req
399. So much crappy stuff happens here
all day long,Copy !req
400. the best way to get past it
is do what I do.Copy !req
401. Just pretend it never happened.Copy !req
402. - Hey, sorry again.
- Don't beat yourself up about it.Copy !req
403. J.D.: Of course, some lessons
you pick up on your own...Copy !req
404. - I just got the urge to buy you a shirt.
- Well, then, to the mall!Copy !req
405. Mount up.Copy !req
406. Eagle!Copy !req
407. J.D.: Like how important it is
to have a good friend hereCopy !req
408. to help you get through it.Copy !req
409. Oh!Copy !req
410. - Anyone sitting here?
- Not just anyone. You.Copy !req
411. Okay, no more talking
till I'm drunk. Okay?Copy !req
412. Partner up, please.Copy !req
413. Val, please don't make a signCopy !req
414. that says "LOSER"
with an arrow pointing towards Jo.Copy !req
415. Ha-ha! Now it's pointing towards me.
Very clever.Copy !req
416. - Turk, will you get the sign, please?
- I am on it.Copy !req
417. - Val!
- You guys...Copy !req
418. - You guys are doctors.
- I'm telling you.Copy !req
419. - This is unprofessional.
- Got it.Copy !req
420. This is a different "LOSER" sign.Copy !req
421. Where is the original "LOSER" sign?
There's two now.Copy !req
422. - Right there. I see it.
- Okay, can you get that one, please?Copy !req
423. I'm gonna get it right now.Copy !req
424. I think we should stop
looking for the signCopy !req
425. and start looking for the Sharpie,
'cause we're losing control here.Copy !req
426. We are not losing control.Copy !req
427. Okay, who wrote that?Copy !req