1. Okay, Mr. Rego,
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2. I know you've been complaining
about the bedpans being too cold,
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3. so I used an incubator in pediatrics
to warm this bad boy up for you. Enjoy.
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4. You know, I used to use an incubator
to keep my lunch warm.
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5. Till some whiny new mom complained
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6. that her preemie smelled
like a ham sandwich.
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7. Weird thing was,
I had a tuna melt in there, not ham.
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8. Most newborns smell amazing.
An unlucky few are ham babies.
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9. Oh! God, here comes
the happiest person on the planet.
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10. Hi! Hey! You look so beautiful today.
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11. Hi! Hi, Katie!
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12. All the interns are going out for drinks.
Do you wanna come?
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13. Yeah, I'll get my stuff.
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14. How about you, dude-chick?
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15. No, I'm gonna stay here
and catch up on my scut work.
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16. You can try as hard as you want
not to be my friend,
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17. but eventually I'm gonna get you.
Come on, Howie.
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18. If I get drunk enough,
I'll undo my scrub bottoms
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19. and let you do a shot off my butt.
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20. All right.
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21. I've noticed that
you always stay here late
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22. - and work after your shift is over.
- I get a lot of work.
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23. If you don't get out of the hospital
every once in a while
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24. and blow off some steam,
this place will eventually crush you.
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25. So go, okay? For me.
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26. - Fine.
- Great.
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27. Oh, my God, Caitlin,
that baby's beautiful.
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28. Ham baby.
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29. What? Hell no.
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30. Got you.
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31. Holy mackerel!
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32. Oh, my God. This can't get any worse.
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33. That is one long-ass booby hair.
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34. J.D.: Like most hospitals,
Sacred Heart makes their interns
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35. put on a sketch show
roasting the senior staff.
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36. It was never any good,
but this year it would be.
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37. Okay, people, before we begin,
you need to accept one simple truth.
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38. - We are funny, and you are not.
- Sucks to hear, doesn't it?
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39. We will be writing all of your sketches.
You're welcome. Let's jump right in.
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40. I need two volunteers to go full frontal.
Howie?
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41. No, I have eczema.
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42. Sunny, Denise? Maybe rubbing
some oil on one another?
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43. - Yeah, sure, no problem.
- No, not at all.
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44. Okay, well,
then let's cut the leukemia sketch.
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45. Dude, no, that sketch is gold.
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46. Well, if they're not naked,
they're just sad and dying.
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47. What's funny about that?
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48. - We make them British.
- Good save.
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49. It's back in, but only because
this man is a comic genius.
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50. I have been called
the black Wayne Brady.
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51. Okay, try and believe in us, guys.
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52. This thing has not been funny
for eight years, when we were interns.
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53. I love Jesus
And, Jesus, he loves me
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54. One, two, three, Jesus!
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55. - I sure do love me some Jesus.
- I know, Laverne.
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56. You rang?
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57. The Messiah, ladies and gentlemen.
The Messiah.
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58. Shalom and nanu-nanu, my friends.
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59. - Oh! Hell no.
- Front row.
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60. There will be a 20-minute intermission.
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61. I never saw her coming.
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62. She was killed in a car accident.
I miss her.
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63. Anyway, let's be funny for her.
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64. I can't do this all on my own
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65. No, I know
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66. I'm no Superman
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67. I'm no Superman
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68. Hey, will you hand me
those blood gas reports, Sonja?
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69. You can call me "Sunny."
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70. My dad nicknamed me that
because he said I brighten up a room.
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71. Of course, in college,
I had a few dark years.
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72. My car was stolen, I had three...
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73. Was it three? No, four.
I had four abortions.
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74. I'm joking!
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75. I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.
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76. - Why are you laughing?
- 'Cause I'm scared. I'm not that strong.
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77. So, how was last night, Denise?
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78. I ended up staying here
and finishing my casework.
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79. What the hell?
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80. At least with my patients,
I'm used to being ignored.
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81. Like with Mr. Cooper
after his triple bypass.
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82. I told him to start eating healthier,
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83. he goes right back
to scarfing down bacon burgers.
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84. And you wanna know
where he is now, Denise?
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85. - He's dead, isn't he?
- No, he just moved back to Phoenix.
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86. I was going to say that he was dead,
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87. but I think saying that about people
who are still alive is a huge jinx.
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88. Look, when I kicked you out
of the hospital last night...
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89. Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.
Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.
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90. Nope, just my mom. Ignore.
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91. Look, I promise
I'll get out of the hospital tonight. Okay?
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92. Deal. Now come on.
I want you guys both to see this case.
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93. She's a 16-year-old girl
with cyclical neutropenia.
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94. It's a rare disorder that periodically
shuts down her entire immune system.
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95. Basically, every three weeks
she almost dies.
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96. Hey, Brianna, Mrs. Tarasi.
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97. Just wanted to introduce you
to Sunny and Denise.
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98. They're the interns
who'll be covering the floor today.
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99. Oh! Cool.
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100. If you guys give me your cell numbers,
I can text you if I need anything.
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101. These kids with their texting
and their cell phones.
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102. - Our generation never had that stuff.
- Yeah.
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103. I just kind of feel like, I don't know,
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104. there's three generations
in the room right now.
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105. If you want to instant message me,
my screen name is Sunnyhoneybunny.
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106. Of course it is.
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107. - Do you have teenagers?
- How old do you think I am?
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108. - What's up?
- Where have you been?
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109. - Oh!
- How could you be late?
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110. This is our sketch show!
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111. Our sketch show!
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112. Our sketch show!
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113. That's cool, man.
It's just a sketch show.
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114. J.D.: Our sketch show!
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115. Okay, let's assign sketches.
Partner up, please.
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116. Yikes.
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117. I'll be with Denise. Problem solved!
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118. Can we go now?
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119. Good morning. Okay, I think
we should just get this out in the open.
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120. I saw you pluck your special hair
the other day.
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121. I was there. I saw.
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122. Question is,
what are we gonna do about it?
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123. I have an idea. Let me speak first.
May I? Good.
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124. I believe that
you should give me the hair,
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125. because I've been scrapbooking
the most disgusting things
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126. that I can think of,
and I want to put it on the page
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127. in between my decayed molars
and my snug,
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128. which is a snail-slug hybrid
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129. that I was able to splice together
in my garage unsuccessfully.
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130. We didn't see each other yesterday.
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131. Well, that was unexpected.
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132. Thank you.
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133. Okay, Brianna,
your chest x-ray looks good.
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134. We should be able
to get you home tomorrow.
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135. I'm just gonna go talk to your mom
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136. about some changes
in your medication.
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137. Aren't moms the greatest?
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138. My mom bought me
these scrubs last week, just because.
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139. Oh! And this morning,
I found this little note.
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140. It says, "You're super special."
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141. If that's what moms do,
I'm glad I never met mine.
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142. "Look at me, I'm dark and edgy."
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143. I love my mom,
but I wish she would ease up a little.
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144. I mean, I know I'm sick,
but not all the time,
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145. and she still never lets me
leave the house.
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146. You know, I've never had a date.
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147. It's like she's so freaked out
about me dying
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148. that she won't let me have a life.
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149. - She doesn't want your stupid note.
- You don't know that.
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150. - Do I know you?
- I'm a friend.
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151. What is Jimmy
the overly-touchy orderly doing here?
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152. Dude, he does amazing impressions.
He's a ringer.
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153. We can put him in any bit
that's not working.
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154. Like the Dr. Wen sketch.
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155. It's almost show time.
Let's work out some of the kinks.
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156. You guys doing the Dr. Cox sketch,
make sure you
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157. Really stretch out all your words, okay?
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158. And under no circumstances
are you to tell him
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159. that I wrote the joke implying
he may have a sports car
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160. because he has a small penis.
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161. Unless he finds it hilarious,
at which point you will break character
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162. and say, "John Dorian wrote that joke."
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163. I will then stand,
give a humble nod, like so,
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164. and then gesture for you to continue.
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165. Meghan, you're playing Carla.
That's my wife.
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166. Please show some respect.
Kathy, you're playing Elliot.
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167. So I wanna see some bug-eyes,
all right? And... Perfect!
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168. Plus, find some cardboard,
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169. stick it down
the back of your pants, right?
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170. Make that ass flat, girl.
Let me see what you got right now.
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171. - Yeah, we could go flatter.
- We can go flatter.
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172. - We can go flatter.
- You know, I've chewed on that thing
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173. - and it's flatter than day-old beer.
- I gotta tell you.
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174. You know what? I made a funny.
Turk, rewrite.
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175. I am already on it.
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176. Katie, dynamite Beardface costume.
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177. - I can't see anything in this.
- Performers find a way, Katie.
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178. Use your other senses.
Where are Sunny and Denise?
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179. Well, you know,
they're supposed to be...
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180. No, thank you. Cool.
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181. They're supposed to be playing us,
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182. but they haven't picked up
their scripts or anything.
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183. Hey, Dr. Reid,
can we talk to you about Brianna?
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184. Her mom is being
way too over-protective.
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185. Unfortunately, my lady,
I saw what I saw.
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186. You either plucked a giant hair,
or you have mini chest snakes.
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187. Maybe you're just imagining things.
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188. Like that time you thought you built
a giant sand castle in the parking lot.
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189. Or the time you said you hung J.D.
Up like a flag,
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190. totally defying the laws of physics.
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191. - I did those things.
- Did you?
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192. At least I thought I...
Head games aren't gonna work on me.
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193. Unfortunately for you,
I have a photographic memory.
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194. For instance,
I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 a.m.
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195. At 7:50 a.m., I took a nap.
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196. At 2:45 p.m., I awoke to find you
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197. plucking a comically large hair
off of your baby-feeder.
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198. I then took my afternoon nap,
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199. then I went on break,
and then I went home.
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200. Couldn't sleep a wink.
Damnedest thing.
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201. Sad.
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202. Stop walking away from me.
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203. And now I'm sleepy again.
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204. Brianna should totally get
to live her life.
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205. I'm gonna go talk to her mom.
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206. But you guys gotta do me a favor.
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207. She's really starting to get in my head
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208. with this whole
we're-the-same-age thing.
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209. So I'm just gonna start
throwing out numbers
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210. and you guys stop me
whenever I get to the age
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211. you think I look like. Okay?
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212. 22, 23, 24, 25, 25, 25...
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213. You know what?
This is a really stupid game, okay?
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214. Aren't you guys late
for some sketch show?
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215. Crap.
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216. Idiots.
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217. Isn't this fun, running together?
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218. - Shut up, Sunny.
- Okay.
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219. - Oh, my God, I'm so nervous.
- Welcome to live theater.
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220. Mmm-hmm.
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221. I'm Bob Kelso.
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222. And my life is so empty
that I still come here every day
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223. to stuff my face with muffins.
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224. And I like prostitutes.
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225. That's funny 'cause it's true.
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226. Hey, I'm The Todd. Wow.
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227. Looks like we got a full house.
I got a full house in my pants.
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228. Hello. I'm Dr. Beardface.
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229. I was up all night sewing.
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230. - My beard is only this big.
- Lighten up, Seymour. I took my lumps.
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231. Okay, one last chance to admit
the truth before this gets ugly.
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232. - Did I see the nipple hair or not?
- You did not.
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233. Beardface!
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234. And so it begins.
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235. Hi, I'm Dr. Wen, and it's an honor
to have you as a patient, Owen Wilson.
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236. Oh! Come on, Doc.
What about patient-doctor privacy?
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237. How's that supposed to make me feel?
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238. - Mr. Jack Black.
- Thanks, buddy.
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239. Sacred Heart!
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240. - Mr. Brad Pitt.
- Thank you, Dr. Wen.
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241. I do have to say it's very hard
covering the medical bill
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242. when you have 14 children.
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243. You know,
people are always asking me,
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244. "Hey, hey, Dane Cook.
Hey, Dane Cook."
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245. Yeah, they use my full name.
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246. Hey, what's the deal
with tongue depressors?
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247. Is it supposed to make your tongue sad
or something?
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248. Like, taste it... This muffin tastes sad.
Why do people find me funny?
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249. Dude, we gave them too much Jimmy.
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250. - J.D.: Off the stage, Jimmy!
- Okay, Jimmy. Yay!
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251. Hi, everyone. We're gonna do a sketch
about Dr. Dorian and Dr. Turk.
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252. I don't even know
what we're supposed to do.
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253. - Just follow my lead.
- Okay.
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254. - Look at your mole.
- It's huge!
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255. Here are those lab reports
you wanted, Turk.
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256. Thanks. I did need those, J.D.
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257. J.D.: They're bombing.
- Well, it serves them right.
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258. Man, who cares about them?
We did it! We did the whole thing!
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259. Goodbye, J.D. Thank you so much for...
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260. How is that funny?
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261. Hey, Dr. Reid, did you get a chance
to talk to Brianna's mom?
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262. - Well, I'll tell you...
- Hey, Denise,
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263. we're all going out for drinks
to celebrate. You wanna come?
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264. No, I'm gonna stay and study.
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265. And you broke your promise yet again.
Shocking.
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266. Look, I promise
I'll go out tomorrow night, okay?
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267. So, what did Brianna's mom say?
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268. You know, I've been thinking about it.
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269. I mean, we have really no idea
what that woman's going through.
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270. I mean, who's to say that
she isn't right to be so cautious?
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271. After all, it's her daughter.
So I decided not to talk to her.
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272. It's really none of our business.
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273. J.D.: Today was the fifth anniversary
of the time
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274. Turk and I met David Caruso
on a Ferris wheel.
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275. Usually, to celebrate,
Turk would lift me in the air
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276. while I straddled him
and yelled "Eagle!"
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277. But this morning, I somehow knew
that wasn't gonna happen.
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278. - Hey.
- Hey.
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279. J.D.: Eagle.
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280. Elliot didn't seem like herself, either.
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281. I don't care what you think is right
for Brianna.
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282. Okay, if either of you hassles her mom,
there will be consequences. Bad ones.
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283. - Okay, why are you smiling?
- I can't help it. It's permanent.
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284. Donny, muffin, please.
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285. Not bran. Better.
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286. What do you want?
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287. I'm getting ready to torture
Nurse Chest-Whiskers,
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288. but it's her word against mine,
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289. so I need you to verify
yesterday's incident.
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290. What incident?
I wasn't even here yesterday.
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291. You were there.
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292. Excuse me. What?
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293. Shh!
He's standing right here.
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294. - Me?
- Okay, I'll tell him.
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295. My muffin thinks you're crazy
and she wants you to go.
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296. You tell your muffin that I think
she's crazy. Maybe she should go.
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297. No.
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298. What is happening to me?
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299. Nice job.
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300. That lady has no idea
what's good for her daughter.
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301. I know. I just want to go over there
and smush her face.
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302. So this is you mad?
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303. Did you hear me? Like, just smush it.
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304. So go talk to her.
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305. I mean, you're both
sort of almost doctors.
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306. Part of that is
doing what you think is right.
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307. - Let's do this.
- Okay, try to act tough.
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308. And forget it.
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309. Oh! So, now we can't sit
on the same side of the table?
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310. - We never do that.
- We always do up here.
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311. Why did that sketch
bother us so much?
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312. - We've always joked about our little...
- Don't say it, okay? I hate that word.
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313. It's a bromance, Turk. You can't fight it.
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314. It never bothered me before
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315. because I thought
it was our stupid little joke
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316. that Elliot and Carla were in on.
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317. But I didn't know that's how
the whole hospital views us, man.
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318. J. D?
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319. - Pretty great, huh?
- Well, when you're right, you're right.
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320. - Yeah.
- So, how's your day going?
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321. It's pretty good so far.
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322. I see you're eating bread again.
I thought you were off carbs.
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323. J. D!
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324. - I'm sorry. I'm back. Continue.
- Look, we're senior staff now,
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325. so maybe at work,
we should tone down the PDA.
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326. I agree.
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327. - But does that include...
- It definitely includes "Eagle!"
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328. Oh! Good.
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329. Look at that, I'm not hungry anymore.
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330. Brianna has so much
to deal with right now.
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331. It just seems like you should let her
enjoy every normal moment she can
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332. instead of forcing her
to hide from life all the time.
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333. As much as I hate to agree with Dr...
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334. Dey.
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335. - Your name is Sunny Dey?
- Mmm-hmm.
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336. Okay, as ridiculous as it was
for her parents to name her that,
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337. I think what you're doing with Brianna
is 1,000 times worse.
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338. My daughter's immune system
doesn't work.
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339. Why don't you two tell me what it's like
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340. when your child risks death
every time she shakes hands?
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341. Do you think I care one bit
what you think?
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342. We tried.
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343. You know, yesterday,
Dr. Reid came in and gave me
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344. the same sanctimonious speech,
and I told her the exact same thing.
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345. Hey, what's going on over here?
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346. - Everything okay?
- I'm great.
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347. I just don't know what's real anymore,
but that's okay, right?
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348. I mean, so what if big chunks of my life
were just figments of my imagination?
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349. So I never went to China
and had a baby with a local.
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350. Maybe I was never in The Fugitive.
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351. Listen, this place
can make anyone crazy.
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352. Once, after a double shift,
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353. I swore I went home
and crawled into bed with Turk.
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354. Next day, I woke up in the on-call room
spooning Dr. Beardface.
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355. Now the guy's always slipping me
hotel keys.
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356. I can't believe
you're being so nice to me
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357. when I almost punished you for
something that never even happened.
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358. Please accept my apologies.
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359. That was easier than I thought.
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360. No, Beardface.
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361. I'm so proud of you, man.
You know, I've always emulated you.
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362. I shaved my privates bald
to look like your head.
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363. Todd, I'm actually kind of touched.
Come on.
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364. What's going on?
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365. They're gonna publish
my old therapy paper.
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366. J.D.: There it was.
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367. He wanted a hug and I damn sure
wanted to give him one,
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368. but all we could do was say this.
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369. - Congrats.
- Thanks, man.
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370. J.D.: Don't look back. Fight it. Fight it.
Damn it, you're only human.
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371. Turk?
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372. I ran all the way around.
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373. It's guy love
Don't compromise
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374. - People are gonna look.
- What people?
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375. It's guy love between two guys
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376. Why'd you lie
about talking to Brianna's mom?
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377. I'm going first.
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378. Why'd you go talk to her
after I told you to drop it?
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379. - It's not fair what her mom's doing.
- And why is that?
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380. I don't know,
because people need to be able
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381. to go out and do things and live life.
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382. Where have I heard that before?
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383. Oh! Yeah, it's the exact same advice
I've given you 9,000 times.
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384. So you had me get crushed
by that mom just to prove a point?
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385. She even had me give you a little push
so you wouldn't wimp out.
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386. I'm very bright. Look, I've been there.
I did what you did.
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387. I was an intern.
I've lived at this hospital.
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388. I saw the same exact people
day after day,
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389. which, for the record, makes even
the uggos look attractive after a while.
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390. Oh! Is that how you got together
with Dr. Dorian?
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391. What? No. Well, maybe at first. No.
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392. No.
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393. J.D.: Sometimes interns think
they know it all,
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394. but the lessons
really never stop coming.
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395. Whether you've heard it 1,000 times...
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396. For the last time,
get out of here every once in a while,
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397. - or this place will swallow you up.
- What about Brianna?
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398. J.D.: Or it's something totally new.
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399. So much crappy stuff happens here
all day long,
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400. the best way to get past it
is do what I do.
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401. Just pretend it never happened.
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402. - Hey, sorry again.
- Don't beat yourself up about it.
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403. J.D.: Of course, some lessons
you pick up on your own...
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404. - I just got the urge to buy you a shirt.
- Well, then, to the mall!
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405. Mount up.
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406. Eagle!
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407. J.D.: Like how important it is
to have a good friend here
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408. to help you get through it.
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409. Oh!
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410. - Anyone sitting here?
- Not just anyone. You.
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411. Okay, no more talking
till I'm drunk. Okay?
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412. Partner up, please.
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413. Val, please don't make a sign
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414. that says "LOSER"
with an arrow pointing towards Jo.
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415. Ha-ha! Now it's pointing towards me.
Very clever.
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416. - Turk, will you get the sign, please?
- I am on it.
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417. - Val!
- You guys...
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418. - You guys are doctors.
- I'm telling you.
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419. - This is unprofessional.
- Got it.
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420. This is a different "LOSER" sign.
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421. Where is the original "LOSER" sign?
There's two now.
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422. - Right there. I see it.
- Okay, can you get that one, please?
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423. I'm gonna get it right now.
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424. I think we should stop
looking for the sign
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425. and start looking for the Sharpie,
'cause we're losing control here.
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426. We are not losing control.
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427. Okay, who wrote that?
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