1. All right, Mrs Cropper,Copy !req
2. I think you're gonna be fine
without the antibiotics.Copy !req
3. And you don't think
I'll need a pelvic exam?Copy !req
4. Not for a cold, no.Copy !req
5. Do it with the gloves off.Copy !req
6. Okay, either step aside
or I'm gonna go through you.Copy !req
7. Then you go through me.
You go through me hard.Copy !req
8. Mrs Cropper wasn't the only one
showing aggression.Copy !req
9. Ever since Turk
visited his brother last month,Copy !req
10. he'd been more alpha male than ever.Copy !req
11. All right, we all know the rules
of remote wrestling.Copy !req
12. Last man standing
decides what we watch.Copy !req
13. Man rumble?Copy !req
14. I go next.Copy !req
15. Right? Right?Copy !req
16. Yeah!Copy !req
17. No.Copy !req
18. I don't care that you've been waiting
two hours to be helped.Copy !req
19. Thank you for letting me think about it.Copy !req
20. Anybody have an idea
how we can calm down the clienteleCopy !req
21. when we're this backed up?Copy !req
22. You know what would work?
Duck pond.Copy !req
23. Right here.Copy !req
24. I can't believe
I've never said this to you:Copy !req
25. nobody cares what you think.Copy !req
26. Listen, guys.Copy !req
27. It's come to my attention that nobody
around here cares what we think.Copy !req
28. Tell me about it.Copy !req
29. Like, I thought it'd be cute if,
down in the morgue,Copy !req
30. we got Hello Kitty toe tags.Copy !req
31. You know, for the dead kids? But, no.Copy !req
32. Exactly. Sort of.Copy !req
33. I've figured out a way
to get our voices heard.Copy !req
34. Okay? It's a little newsletter called...Copy !req
35. Brace yourselves.Copy !req
36. Seriously, brace yourselves.
The Janitorial.Copy !req
37. Now, what I'm thinking we can do...Copy !req
38. Un-brace yourselves. Un-brace.
There we go.Copy !req
39. Todd has a question.Copy !req
40. Yes. Could I be the photographer so
I have a valid excuse for wearing this?Copy !req
41. Don't ruin it.Copy !req
42. I'm gonna be writing
all the editorials, okay?Copy !req
43. On issues like union strife,
insurance scams, baby wolf men.Copy !req
44. What I need
is an investigative reporter, yeah?Copy !req
45. Somebody who is bland enough
and insignificant enoughCopy !req
46. that he'd be listening in
on a private conversation,Copy !req
47. get the secrets,Copy !req
48. but no one would even notice
he was there.Copy !req
49. I'll do it.Copy !req
50. You been sitting there this whole time?Copy !req
51. No. First I was in your chair
and you sat on my lap, remember?Copy !req
52. I said, "Excuse me."Copy !req
53. And you said,
"Get up and sit over there," and I did.Copy !req
54. Right?Copy !req
55. And... Hey, Janitor.Copy !req
56. Oh, hey, Ted.Copy !req
57. Hello?Copy !req
58. "Rate Dr Reid's butt"?Copy !req
59. Yes, 9.2!Copy !req
60. Thank God this hospital
is full of white guys.Copy !req
61. Calm down, Enid.Copy !req
62. It's not my fault
that I'm being forced out of my job.Copy !req
63. The Board found out about my ageCopy !req
64. because Dr Reid just had to throw
a birthday party for me.Copy !req
65. Now, Enid, I've got to go back to work.Copy !req
66. Don't be too pleased with that 9.2.
That's out of 100.Copy !req
67. Oh.Copy !req
68. Dr Cox,
can Sam watch West Side Story?Copy !req
69. It helps him fall asleep.Copy !req
70. J.D.
And it makes my heart sing.Copy !req
71. Fine, but absolutely no singing
or dancing along.Copy !req
72. And I will throw my coffee at you
if I catch you even once doing this...Copy !req
73. All right, I'll just do it in my head, then.Copy !req
74. Woah.Copy !req
75. I'm watching the game.Copy !req
76. You put that remote down
or be prepared to wrestle.Copy !req
77. Who ordered a can of whoop-ass?
I think you did.Copy !req
78. I want you to see this.Copy !req
79. Can you see the TV from there, buddy?Copy !req
80. Unfortunately, you're going to have
to get used to events like this.Copy !req
81. Don't listen to him, Sam.
Turk, stop bouncing.Copy !req
82. I can't do this all on my ownCopy !req
83. No, I knowCopy !req
84. I'm no SupermanCopy !req
85. I'm no SupermanCopy !req
86. How do you get it to spin so well?Copy !req
87. You got to make sure
the pen's right in the middle.Copy !req
88. Oh!Copy !req
89. Check it out. We made the front page.Copy !req
90. I know. It's awesome.Copy !req
91. Now there's no doubt who
the best buds in the whole hospital are.Copy !req
92. Tracy and Stacy can suck it.Copy !req
93. Dude.Copy !req
94. Oh, sorry, Tracy and Stacy.Copy !req
95. I see you guys are wearing
each other's oxygen tubes. That's cute.Copy !req
96. - All right, they win.
- Yeah.Copy !req
97. Check it out.
I'm gonna take this to Kinko'sCopy !req
98. and get it blown up poster-size.Copy !req
99. - Get two.
- I know.Copy !req
100. Wait a minute.
Let me see if I've got this right.Copy !req
101. The front-page story about
your humiliating ass-kickingCopy !req
102. doesn't bother you at all?Copy !req
103. You're the only one
your son has to model himself afterCopy !req
104. when he's trying
to figure out how to be a man,Copy !req
105. and seeing the occasional poster
of Paul MitchellCopy !req
106. whenever you take him
by the beauty salon isn't going to cut it.Copy !req
107. Well, it's unfortunate that all children
can't have the amazing role modelCopy !req
108. that you are, Mr Borderline Alcoholic.Copy !req
109. Nailed him!Copy !req
110. It's great having silver bullets like that
on everyone in the hospital.Copy !req
111. - You sure told him.
- Thanks, Herpes.Copy !req
112. I'm so sorry that they're forcing you out.
I feel horrible.Copy !req
113. Sweetheart, you should. It's your fault.Copy !req
114. Look, I'll talk to the Board.Copy !req
115. I am so great
at changing people's minds.Copy !req
116. My best friend in college
thought he was gay,Copy !req
117. but I totally convinced him
that he was into women.Copy !req
118. After that, he had a ton of girlfriends.Copy !req
119. Until senior year
when he hung himself.Copy !req
120. Why is it that
so many of your stories end with,Copy !req
121. "And then he hung himself"?Copy !req
122. Bad luck, I guess.Copy !req
123. Don't help me.
And keep this to yourself.Copy !req
124. It'll be our secret.Copy !req
125. This is your new patient, John.
What's your secret?Copy !req
126. I can't tell.Copy !req
127. And besides,
you are terrible at keeping secrets.Copy !req
128. You know, my brothers are great
at keeping secrets.Copy !req
129. They never once told anybody
about the timeCopy !req
130. they got into a fight in the bathroom
and accidentally bumped wieners.Copy !req
131. It was only for a second.Copy !req
132. - Still gay, though.
- Told you.Copy !req
133. Well, it's official. The Janitorial is a hit.Copy !req
134. But no time to rest.Copy !req
135. We got to get another issue out
before lunch.Copy !req
136. But we just put one out this morning.Copy !req
137. Doug, The Janitorial is a tri-daily.Copy !req
138. But let's hold out on the meeting
until Ted gets here.Copy !req
139. I'm right here. I bought you that scone.Copy !req
140. I thought the manager gifted it to me
for not running that exposéCopy !req
141. on how Coffee Bucks beans are picked
by dirty river monkeys.Copy !req
142. I'm kidding, Ted.Copy !req
143. Oh.Copy !req
144. Actually, I wasn't kidding.Copy !req
145. Todd, how's the weather section
shaping up?Copy !req
146. I think all the ladies in the greater
metro area should expect to seeCopy !req
147. about eight inches tonight.Copy !req
148. What's up? Entire-Coffee-Bucks-Five.Copy !req
149. - Hit it!
- Nice newsletter there, fellows.Copy !req
150. It's the first thing that I've ever readCopy !req
151. where I could actually feel myself
getting stupider as I read it.Copy !req
152. Are you calling me stupid?Copy !req
153. Well, it's your stupid paper, right?
So, yeah.Copy !req
154. - High five.
- You're stupid.Copy !req
155. Hit it! Hit it! Hit it hard! And done.Copy !req
156. What did I miss?Copy !req
157. Hey!Copy !req
158. You want to explain the fingernail
marks down my wife's back?Copy !req
159. First of all, that's a perfectly
acceptable fighting style.Copy !req
160. And secondly, I think you should
ask your wife about that.Copy !req
161. Woah, woah, woah, woah.
This is very close.Copy !req
162. What did you have for lunch, scallops?Copy !req
163. Hey, dude. Why don't you let him go?Copy !req
164. I don't have a problem with you, man.Copy !req
165. I should warn you, I've killed a man.Copy !req
166. Granted, it was during surgery,Copy !req
167. but I don't need anaesthesia
to knock your ass out.Copy !req
168. - Sorry.
- That's right. Walk away!Copy !req
169. Walk away! We got them.Copy !req
170. That was a close one, wasn't it?Copy !req
171. Thank goodness your big,
brave man-friend was here.Copy !req
172. Sam, I want to be real clear about this.Copy !req
173. That's your daddy, not your mommy.Copy !req
174. How did you get Sam out of day care?Copy !req
175. Put on a wig and a skirt
and told them I was you.Copy !req
176. So John has had swelling
in his chest wall for a few months.Copy !req
177. Ah! Ah!Copy !req
178. Cold hands. Should've told you.Copy !req
179. So you're pretty tight
with your brothers, huh?Copy !req
180. Yeah. They're idiots,
but they're all right.Copy !req
181. John, it looks like you have
some skin puckering.Copy !req
182. I'm just gonna order some tests
and see what's going on, okay?Copy !req
183. I'll be right here.Copy !req
184. - He's a nice guy, isn't he?
- He's incredible. What's your secret?Copy !req
185. Are you pregnant?Copy !req
186. Why would I be talking to Kelso
if I was pregnant?Copy !req
187. - It's his baby.
- That was one dream, Carla.Copy !req
188. And it doesn't count
because he was half-dolphin.Copy !req
189. Which half?Copy !req
190. Hey, Mop For Brains,Copy !req
191. I was reading your paper online
while I was on the toilet and...Copy !req
192. - Yeah, I squat and surf.
- Oh, it's the best.Copy !req
193. Anyway, did you happen to noticeCopy !req
194. what one of your so-called
correspondents put on there?Copy !req
195. "Dr Cox admitted
that his callous outer shellCopy !req
196. "is just protecting
a fragile inner core of sadness.Copy !req
197. "'If I seem angry,Copy !req
198. "'I'm really just wishing people
would give me a warm hugCopy !req
199. "'or pat me on the back
and say, I'm right with you, man!'"Copy !req
200. Yeah, I did happen to catch that,
while I was writing it.Copy !req
201. I never gave you an interview.Copy !req
202. - I don't see that that's relevant.
- Why am I even bothering with this?Copy !req
203. Nobody ever believes
what you put on these things anyway.Copy !req
204. Really? People believe
everything they see online.Copy !req
205. Apples linked to hair loss. And post.Copy !req
206. - I'm kidding, Ted.
- I don't want to eat it again.Copy !req
207. Ted.Copy !req
208. Here's John's lab work.
If you tell me your secret,Copy !req
209. I won't tell anybody about the time
you ate a cricket.Copy !req
210. You tricked me into doing that.Copy !req
211. Dominican snack, my heinie.Copy !req
212. You know, you didn't have to save me
from Mrs Cropper's husband.Copy !req
213. - I could've handled him.
- How?Copy !req
214. By ramming your face into his fists
over and over again?Copy !req
215. You make jokes, but I did that
to Paul Edwards in college,Copy !req
216. and who won that fight?Copy !req
217. He broke two knuckles, but I only
fractured one skull. Scoreboard, Turk.Copy !req
218. Scoreboard!Copy !req
219. He did have to wear
that goofy hand brace for a while.Copy !req
220. Yeah, I don't remember that,Copy !req
221. but I am still missing
some large chunks from that year.Copy !req
222. The point is, I don't want you
fighting my battles for me.Copy !req
223. I need to be a strong male
role model for Sam.Copy !req
224. But, dude, that's my job. Remember?Copy !req
225. When Sam gets older,
I teach him about sports and stuff,Copy !req
226. and you're in charge
of Izzy's emotional crap.Copy !req
227. We agreed that's how
we'd raise our kids.Copy !req
228. Our kids? Turk, we're not married.Copy !req
229. Dude, we're a little married.Copy !req
230. I know. I love it.Copy !req
231. Besides, if you start acting
like a man's man all of a sudden,Copy !req
232. you're just teaching Sam
to lie about who he really is.Copy !req
233. You know?Copy !req
234. That's it. I am a man.Copy !req
235. And it's time to prove it,
once and for all.Copy !req
236. Walk more purposefully, damn it!
You're pissed!Copy !req
237. We're watching what I want to watch.Copy !req
238. With my adrenaline flowing
and my pride on the line,Copy !req
239. I knew this time...Copy !req
240. Oh, no, wait. No, that's... Thank you.Copy !req
241. It sucks to feel totally trapped.Copy !req
242. Whether it's
by a misinformed co-worker...Copy !req
243. I feel alone, too.Copy !req
244. Oh, no.Copy !req
245. or some very unexpected news.Copy !req
246. John, your test results came back.
You have breast cancer.Copy !req
247. The hard part is finally breaking free!Copy !req
248. Dude, relax. I'm getting up now.Copy !req
249. - Calm down.
- Get off!Copy !req
250. I knew I had two choices, apologise
to Turk and admit it was an accident,Copy !req
251. or this...Copy !req
252. Yeah! How you like me now, bitch?Copy !req
253. Right? Up high! Up high!
That's how we do!Copy !req
254. So uncool.Copy !req
255. I'm gonna kill him! Where is... Move!Copy !req
256. After putting a beat down on Turk,Copy !req
257. the last thing I wanted to do was
be lame and hide in a supply closet.Copy !req
258. That's why I chose down here.Copy !req
259. Why are you here?Copy !req
260. After all these years
of putting on toe tags,Copy !req
261. I sort of developed a foot fetish.Copy !req
262. And you get tired of looking
at dead ones, you know?Copy !req
263. No, Doug, I don't.Copy !req
264. Quick question.Copy !req
265. How could I possibly
have breast cancer?Copy !req
266. Anyone can get it, John.Copy !req
267. And unfortunately, your sentinel node
biopsy came back positive.Copy !req
268. We should start
chemotherapy right away.Copy !req
269. Do you want to call your brothers?Copy !req
270. I'm not telling anybody about this,
all right? So just forget it.Copy !req
271. End of story.Copy !req
272. Can I have a minute, please?Copy !req
273. Why wouldn't John want any help?Copy !req
274. You know, this reminds me of the time
my cousin Greg got stuck at the airport.Copy !req
275. I offered to pick him up, but he said
he'd just crash at some cheap motel.Copy !req
276. - Anyway, the next day...
- Let me guess. He hung himself.Copy !req
277. What?Copy !req
278. No, Dr Kelso,
my cousin didn't hang himself, okay?Copy !req
279. He did. But he lived.Copy !req
280. That's a nice story.Copy !req
281. Stop. Stop. Stop it, please.Copy !req
282. There's no touching. No touching me.
No, please don't touch.Copy !req
283. Okay, everyone,
can I have your attention?Copy !req
284. That interview is a fake.Copy !req
285. It never happened.
So there's no more touching me.Copy !req
286. Not now, not never.Copy !req
287. Knock, knock, knock.Copy !req
288. Hello, is the real Dr Cox in there?Copy !req
289. Because his friend Ted wants him
to know it's safe to come out.Copy !req
290. - You read the interview, too?
- What interview?Copy !req
291. Oh!Copy !req
292. Oh, thank God. Turk will never
beat me up in front of Carla.Copy !req
293. - What is John's problem?
- Yeah, Carla, what is his problem?Copy !req
294. He's embarrassed about having
breast cancer. Most guys would be.Copy !req
295. You know what else
would embarrass most guys?Copy !req
296. Having their ass handed to them
Hong-Kong styleCopy !req
297. in front of the whole cafeteria.Copy !req
298. Elliot, even doctors get self-conscious
about their bodies.Copy !req
299. Remember last month when
Turk pretended to visit his brother,Copy !req
300. but he was actually having
his testicle removed?Copy !req
301. He was so embarrassed,
he only let me tell you about it.Copy !req
302. And he was
only comfortable telling J.D.Copy !req
303. Baby, I haven't told J.D.Copy !req
304. How could you not tell
your best friend?Copy !req
305. Do you guys even realise I'm here?Copy !req
306. One testicle.Copy !req
307. Well, where is it?
Did you at least keep it?Copy !req
308. Why would I keep my testicle?Copy !req
309. These conditions are perfect.Copy !req
310. He's beautiful.Copy !req
311. Oh, my God. This is totally awesome.Copy !req
312. Can you go pick up Carla's
dry cleaning so I can play basketball?Copy !req
313. It can't talk.Copy !req
314. - What the hell am I gonna do with that?
- Stop, Turk. You're making him cry.Copy !req
315. It's okay, Plant Turk. Friends.Copy !req
316. See? He's learning.Copy !req
317. - Get the clippers! Get the clippers!
- Let him go! Let him go!Copy !req
318. We have to find your ball, Turk.
We have to find it and destroy it.Copy !req
319. You don't realise
that Carla and Elliot left, do you?Copy !req
320. Look at him, he's dying in there.Copy !req
321. I mean, emotionally, not dying dying.Copy !req
322. Although, he could be.
I haven't seen his full blood work yet.Copy !req
323. Good, he's not dying. But he is.Copy !req
324. I'll never be surprised by
the ridiculous behaviour of men.Copy !req
325. Wow, Turk's pretty quick without
that testicle weighing him down.Copy !req
326. I wonder if Olympic athletes
have ever thought of that.Copy !req
327. Take them both off
and I'll bring home the gold.Copy !req
328. Hell, if it makes a difference,
you can even take off my...Copy !req
329. Damn it! Never fantasise while running.
You know that.Copy !req
330. There. I locked myself in.Copy !req
331. You can't stay in there forever.Copy !req
332. You gotta make this stop.Copy !req
333. - Why're you torturing me?
- Because you called me stupid.Copy !req
334. Now, I've been called a great many
horrible names in my life,Copy !req
335. backstabber, zebra poacher, Josh.Copy !req
336. And I've accepted these because to
each of them there is a degree of truth.Copy !req
337. But I am not, nor will I ever be, stupid.Copy !req
338. - Fair enough. I'm very sorry.
- Apology accepted.Copy !req
339. Now how about an interview
with the real Dr Cox?Copy !req
340. Fine, let's just crank this out.Copy !req
341. - You don't have to be here.
- Beg your pardon?Copy !req
342. Off you go. It's all up here.Copy !req
343. Occupied!Copy !req
344. It's too bad
we can't just call John's brothersCopy !req
345. and tell them that he needs them.Copy !req
346. I know.
Stupid doctor-patient confidentiality.Copy !req
347. It's like wearing a muzzle.Copy !req
348. Like last month, one of my patients
asks out Nurse Rollins,Copy !req
349. and I couldn't even warn her
that I'm treating the guyCopy !req
350. for a horrible case of mono.Copy !req
351. Now she has it
and her grandfather has it.Copy !req
352. I don't know, she wouldn't say.Copy !req
353. Men are always doing this
to themselves.Copy !req
354. If they say they don't want your help,Copy !req
355. you can bet your ass
they really need it.Copy !req
356. That is so true I'm putting that
on my answering machineCopy !req
357. and saving it for my next relationship.Copy !req
358. Don't bother.
There's no reception in here.Copy !req
359. Oh, my God.Copy !req
360. Dr Kelso wants my help.Copy !req
361. I swear, Elliot,
if you don't tell me this secret,Copy !req
362. I'm gonna go in that stall
and change your butt rating.Copy !req
363. So which one did you lose?
Lamont or Grady?Copy !req
364. Lamont.Copy !req
365. Now on hot days,
he'll be sticking to God's leg.Copy !req
366. - How'd it happen?
- My kid kicked me in the groinCopy !req
367. and now I got testicular torsion.Copy !req
368. That sucks.Copy !req
369. Lately, I've been feeling
like less of a man.Copy !req
370. I think that's why
I've been overcompensatingCopy !req
371. with all of that remote wrestling,
alpha male stuff.Copy !req
372. But losing a testicle
is not gonna make you less of a man.Copy !req
373. Although, you do realise
you'll probably be having daughtersCopy !req
374. for the rest of your life, if you lost
the one that makes boy babies.Copy !req
375. - That's not really how it works, is it?
- I'm not really sure.Copy !req
376. But still, you whooped me in public.Copy !req
377. So we got to fight again.Copy !req
378. Turk, have you not been listening?
Sam. Role model. I have to win.Copy !req
379. So what do you want to do?Copy !req
380. And then we had it.Copy !req
381. Rocky III freeze-frame ending! - Rocky III freeze-frame ending!Copy !req
382. Yeah, I totally messed J.D. up.Copy !req
383. I cut my knuckle knocking his teeth out,
right? Check out the scar.Copy !req
384. As I showed off the cut I'd gotten
from a broken jam jar,Copy !req
385. I thought about how complex
the male ego is.Copy !req
386. It can make us need
constant affirmationCopy !req
387. that we're strong or even feared.Copy !req
388. - This is brilliant.
- I thought you'd like it.Copy !req
389. It can even make us so afraid
to ask for help that instead,Copy !req
390. we just quietly hope
for someone to notice.Copy !req
391. Dr Kelso, I told Carla your secret
and we're gonna help you.Copy !req
392. We're going to rally everyone
in this hospitalCopy !req
393. to stop that Board
from forcing you out of your job.Copy !req
394. Are you in on this, too, Perry?Copy !req
395. Nope. First time hearing it
and I couldn't care less.Copy !req
396. He'll get there.
/I> freeze frame ending!Copy !req
397. Yeah, I totally messed J.D. up. Yeah.Copy !req
398. I cut my knuckle knocking his teeth
out, right? Check out the scar.Copy !req
399. As I showed off the cut
I'd gotten from a broken jam jar,Copy !req
400. I thought about how complex
the male ego is.Copy !req
401. It can make us need
constant affirmationCopy !req
402. that we're strong or even feared.Copy !req
403. - This is brilliant.
- I thought you'd like it.Copy !req
404. It can even make us
so afraid to ask for helpCopy !req
405. that instead we just quietly hope
for someone to notice.Copy !req
406. Dr. Kelso. I told Carla your secret,
and we're going to help you.Copy !req
407. We're going to rally
everyone in this hospitalCopy !req
408. to stop that board from forcing
you out of your job.Copy !req
409. Are you in on this too, Perry?Copy !req
410. Nope. First time hearing it,
and I couldn't care less.Copy !req
411. He'll get there.Copy !req