1. It's amazing how much kids
take after their parents.
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2. Dude, you know how when I daydream,
I go like this?
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3. - Dude, you totally go like that.
- Well, check Sam out.
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4. I wonder what he's thinking.
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5. Guys, Sammy's hungry.
Can anybody help me out?
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6. Sure, sure.
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7. Pass him over here.
I'm about ready to burst.
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8. Thanks.
I'd do it myself, but I'm all tapped out.
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9. Turk and I had a milk fight
in the parking lot.
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10. I lost.
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11. Okay, chief, latch on. It's right there.
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12. Latch. Latch.
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13. - He's latched. He's latched.
- Dude, we said truce.
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14. Count it.
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15. I'm off.
You want to go shoot some hoops?
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16. I have a baby strapped to my chest.
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17. - So I just won't pass to you.
- Cool. Same as always.
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18. Or you could spend some quality
time with your daughter.
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19. It seems like you're giving me a choice,
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20. but you're really not, are you?
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21. Nope, she's not.
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22. And the only way to get free will back
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23. is to stop caring
if you ever get to hit that again.
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24. - Am I right?
- Pretty much.
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25. Hey, Bob.
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26. Some of the other board members were
saying tomorrow's your birthday.
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27. - So how old does that make you?
- Well, that depends.
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28. Are we talking dog years
or horny old bastard years?
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29. I'll be 58.
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30. I didn't know it was
your birthday tomorrow!
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31. You are definitely getting a cake.
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32. What flavour do you want?
Chocolate or vanilla?
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33. Wait, don't answer.
I'm gonna surprise you.
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34. It's going to be chocolate.
I like chocolate.
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35. Fun.
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36. Could you also have them write
"Mind Your Own Damn Business"
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37. in icing and then jam your face into it
so the message really sinks in?
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38. How's your vacation going
at your fire-breathing mother's house?
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39. Yeah, yeah, my mom's a dragon.
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40. I'm her hell spawn.
We eat children, whatever.
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41. Listen Per, Jack misses you,
and he won't go to sleep
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42. unless you say good night
in that silly voice he loves.
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43. Jackie, you're getting a little too
old for that now, pal. You're...
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44. You're four.
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45. I mean, people are actually even
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46. starting to understand
about a third of what you say.
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47. Fantastic.
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48. Anyway, so no more silly voice.
Okay there, Jumbo?
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49. Solid parenting.
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50. Glad I could help.
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51. Damn, Izzy,
you're looking good, girl.
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52. Thank you, Sam.
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53. You not only have a soft spot
in your heart,
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54. but you have one in your head.
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55. What do you say
we hit up a Wiggles concert,
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56. then go back to my crib
and pop open some formula.
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57. See what happens.
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58. Come here
and taste this brown sugar.
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59. Taste this brown sugar.
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60. Turk, we can't make them kiss until
Sam can hold his head up for real.
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61. I miss this, man.
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62. If I'm not at work,
I'm taking care of Izzy.
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63. I feel like I don't get to roll with you
or just do goofy stuff.
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64. It's just that when I have Sam,
I'm so busy, you know?
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65. We're up at 6:00, I feed him, I bathe
him, then it's poopy time.
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66. Then it's his poopy time.
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67. But that's why we need to get
these two together right away.
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68. They need to get married
so we can hang all the time.
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69. There's no guarantees, Turk.
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70. The other day,
I had Sam in the hospital,
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71. and when Dr Cox
brought in his daughter,
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72. he definitely turned his head.
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73. Okay, I turned it,
but I could tell he wanted me to.
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74. There's plenty of fish in the sea, girl.
I don't need you.
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75. Like, look at that. You are hot, baby.
What is going on over there?
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76. I wanna hit that. I wanna spank it good.
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77. I like a spanking. I wanna give it to you.
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78. I'm sorry. Kids, huh?
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79. I'll talk to him.
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80. I can't do this all on my own
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81. No, I know
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82. I'm no Superman
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83. I'm no Superman
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84. The second I saw Turk,
I felt like he had huge news.
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85. - Dude, I have huge news.
- I knew it!
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86. Carla gave me the afternoon off.
No Izzy, just "me" time.
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87. No way, dude!
I'm off too, and Sam's at Kim's.
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88. What should we do?
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89. When's the last time
we did something stupid?
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90. Well, we told Rex
we'd cover his shifts next weekend
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91. if he agreed to follow Hooch
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92. everywhere he went
and never tell him why.
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93. Okay, I'm gonna ask you this
one last time.
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94. - Do you need anything?
- No. I'm cool.
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95. Hooch is crazy.
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96. I know. And the best part is
Rex doesn't know Hooch is crazy.
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97. Yeah, well, he'll know
by the end of the day.
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98. Anyways, when's the last time we did
something off-the-hook stupid?
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99. Probably not since the second day
at college. Remember?
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100. When it wasn't just the two of us.
It was the three of us.
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101. All right, you guys,
I know we only met yesterday,
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102. but I have a feeling
we're gonna be best buds forever.
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103. Hands in.
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104. Chocolate Bear!
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105. Vanilla Bear!
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106. Caramel Bear!
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107. Bears for life!
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108. If we pull this prank off,
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109. we are gonna be the coolest freshmen
on the whole campus.
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110. - Yeah, we are.
- Let me do it!
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111. What?
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112. Rest in peace, Caramel Bear.
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113. Dude, just because we never saw
Ricky on campus again
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114. doesn't mean he's dead.
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115. His parents came
and packed up all his stuff, Turk.
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116. And his roommate got straight A's that
semester without even going to class.
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117. All righty, then.
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118. How we feeling today there, Josh?
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119. I'm okay. Little tired, though.
How about you?
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120. Well, I'm 47 and recently lost the ability
to break down dairy products,
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121. but otherwise, I'm dandy.
Thank you for asking.
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122. Whoa, TMI. Right, Josh?
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123. Too much information.
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124. Tell you what.
I'm gonna let you hang out with
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125. Nurse Early-'90s-Catch-Phrases here,
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126. while your parents come out
in the hallway,
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127. and we have a little discussion.
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128. We will be back.
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129. Look, Josh's blood work shows that
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130. he's anaemic with
a high white cell count.
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131. Now, we're not gonna
know anything for sure
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132. until his bone marrow biopsy
comes back,
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133. but I'm afraid it might be leukaemia.
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134. Oh, my God.
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135. We'll hope for the best.
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136. Okay, listen up.
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137. I need everyone to clear their
schedules tomorrow,
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138. because we're going to have
a little party for Kelso's birthday.
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139. Kelso makes my life hell.
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140. Now, I know I usually cave,
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141. but there's no way
I'm going to his party.
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142. - I understand, Ted.
- Fine, I'll go.
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143. Damn it!
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144. So, I'm getting the cake.
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145. I just need
someone to pick up the decorations.
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146. Fine, I'll get them.
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147. What's happening?
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148. And make sure you get 58 candles.
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149. 58? He told me he turned 58 last year.
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150. - Told me he was 58 three years ago.
- Great.
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151. Can anyone help me find out
Kelso's real age?
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152. You rang?
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153. I know you didn't. I just like saying that.
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154. Although, actually, I do hear bells.
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155. But now they're gone.
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156. - Anyway, I'll help.
- Cool.
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157. - Okay, because I was wondering...
- Hold it.
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158. They're back.
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159. They're gone.
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160. No. Hang on. Go.
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161. - Okay, because I thought...
- Stop. Bells.
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162. Bells. Bells.
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163. No bells.
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164. - Why don't we start with the...
- Stop.
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165. - Go. Stop.
- I'm...
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166. Okay, we're both off in an hour,
so I've planned our plan.
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167. You just used the same word twice
in the same sentence.
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168. You just did, too.
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169. That is so weird that I didn't even
notice that I did that.
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170. Same word, four times, one sentence.
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171. - Dude, you're in the zone.
- I feel it.
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172. - What are we doing today?
- Okay, we gotta go old-school.
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173. Brace yourself on my arm.
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174. World's Most Giant Black Doctor.
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175. Turk, I thought we agreed to save him
for Black History Month
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176. or when we want
to scare racist patients.
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177. I know, but that guy in 204 asked me
if I wanted to finish his fried chicken.
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178. But you love fried chicken.
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179. And I ate that bad boy like it was my
last meal, but I wasn't happy about it.
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180. - Fine. I'm in.
- Good. Because I made this.
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181. Oh, my God! It's awesome.
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182. Carla, look what Turk made.
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183. Awesome.
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184. Idiots.
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185. We heard that!
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186. - Josh's biopsy results.
- Thank you.
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187. Unfortunately, that's what I thought.
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188. Your son has hairy cell leukaemia.
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189. Now, the good news is
it's very, very treatable.
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190. If you'd like, I'd be more than glad
to go in there
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191. and explain this all to Josh myself.
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192. We already decided that if
Josh did end up having cancer,
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193. we weren't gonna tell him.
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194. What just happened?
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195. Do you want to put your hands
on the back of your head
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196. like you do when you're upset?
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197. I do a little.
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198. So, how do we find out Kelso's age?
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199. We pay 100 people, age 1 to 100,
line them all up,
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200. and see which one Kelso looks like.
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201. Oy.
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202. I say we cut off Kelso's legs
and we count the rings.
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203. - That only works on trees.
- And puppets.
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204. Okay, you guys have been
super helpful.
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205. I told you we would be.
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206. Still, I think I'm going to go tackle this
on my own
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207. and let the two of you
get back to hallucinating.
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208. Or
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209. you could use these keys
to get into the personnel files.
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210. That almost burned me.
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211. You know what I would have done
if it did?
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212. No.
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213. Burn for a burn, baby.
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214. That's in the Bible.
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215. Hooch is crazy.
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216. Aren't your arms getting tired?
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217. Yeah.
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218. Can you believe those people?
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219. Their kid has leukaemia,
and they're not even gonna tell him?
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220. Well, they're his parents. It's their right.
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221. Come on.
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222. He deserves to know
what he's up against. He can handle it.
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223. Hell, he's more mature than most
of the yahoos in this dump.
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224. Check it out!
World's most giant clipboard!
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225. Exhibit A through Z.
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226. Oh, what's that, Per?
I didn't quite hear it.
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227. I wanna make sure I get it all down.
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228. Write this down instead.
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229. I, John Dorian... Write it down.
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230. I, John Dorian...
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231. am a ridiculous, 32-year-old,
overgrown infant.
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232. I mean, my God, two weeks ago,
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233. you were asking everybody
if you should grow up.
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234. And here I thought you were having
some big epiphany that
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235. you were gonna be more of an adult
now that you have a child.
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236. My bad.
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237. And if I forgot to congratulate you,
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238. let me do that now.
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239. Way to go,
we are all super proud of you.
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240. Turkleton,
I hired you as a surgeon, right?
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241. - Yep.
- Great job, Bob.
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242. Hey. What's up? You ready?
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243. Yeah, I don't think I'm up for it, man.
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244. - Why not?
- I don't know, Turk.
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245. Maybe 'cause I'm 32,
and I'm a doctor, and I have a kid.
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246. I mean, look at yourself, man.
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247. You look like an infant.
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248. It's probably time for us to grow up.
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249. They say that the truth hurts,
and sometimes it does.
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250. But sometimes it's just surprising.
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251. "Robert Kelso, born 1942"?
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252. Holy frick, Kelso's 65.
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253. And other times the truth
just wasn't supposed to be heard
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254. in the first place.
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255. - What do you say, pal?
- Hey.
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256. Mind if I join you here?
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257. No, go ahead.
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258. Look, Josh.
I want to take a minute here
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259. and explain to you
what's wrong with you.
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260. - Okay.
- Inside your body...
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261. It was a morning
of dramatic walk-ups.
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262. That's when one person
dramatically walks up to another,
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263. like me to Turk,
'cause I knew he was mad at me.
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264. Hey.
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265. Or like Ted to Dr Cox.
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266. The Winstons are livid that you told
their son about his leukaemia.
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267. - You did what?
- I made a choice.
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268. Or Elliot to Dr Kelso.
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269. I've got a secret.
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270. What has two thumbs, a funny voice
and still doesn't give a crap?
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271. Bob Kelso.
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272. I added the funny voice to keep it fresh.
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273. Well, I've got 65 reasons why
you should give a crap.
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274. You're old.
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275. Yes! I've been saying that every time
the doors open for the last two hours,
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276. and I finally got my man.
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277. Come on, give it up.
A little something. Still got time.
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278. We'll do it later.
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279. Look, Turk, I know you're probably mad
at me about yesterday.
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280. - We're cool.
- See, I knew you'd get it.
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281. It's just time to leave
our childish ways behind, right?
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282. Hell to the no.
I'm bringing you back, buddy.
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283. I'll see you later.
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284. Are you following me?
'Cause I will cut you.
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285. I'll go around the corner.
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286. The Winstons aren't ready
to litigate yet,
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287. but they're still angry.
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288. You need to mitigate the situation
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289. because they have
a really good lawyer.
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290. Honestly, Ted, I'm just surprised
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291. you know the difference
between "litigate" and "mitigate".
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292. Their lawyer taught me.
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293. I'm telling you, the guy's really good.
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294. Thanks for having my back on this one.
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295. I don't have your back on this.
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296. I just want a ringside seat
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297. for when you get your bony white ass
handed to you.
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298. Not going to happen.
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299. Dr Cox, we want to talk to you.
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300. Let's talk to Josh first. Come on.
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301. I really don't want to go into
mitigation on this one.
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302. Wait.
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303. Yeah, that's right.
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304. You tell your parents
what you said to me
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305. when I told you
that you had leukaemia?
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306. I already knew I was sick because
Mom was doing that weird smile.
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307. Yeah, that one.
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308. The only other time you had that look
was when you told me Grandpa died.
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309. Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
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310. I'll be right outside here if you need me.
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311. Oh, my goodness. What's this?
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312. It's my bony, white ass and it's still
very much intact, isn't it?
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313. You just don't get it, do you?
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314. Get what?
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315. Chicks, huh?
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316. They're all soft and cuddly,
but you never get to be with one.
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317. Hey, J.D., I need a little help.
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318. Relax. This is work stuff.
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319. I have a patient who needs
a perioperative beta blockade
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320. and I was wondering if I needed
a continuous IV drip
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321. or an intermittent bolus?
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322. - Well, I'd probably start him off...
- Yeah, don't care. Check this out.
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323. Hooch is on the verge
of a major meltdown.
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324. Why? Is Rex still following him?
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325. Not just Rex.
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326. Three other interns are following him,
too. They're all after this fellowship.
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327. I said whoever sticks to him the
longest, I'll give a recommendation.
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328. I'm about to use the toilet right now.
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329. So I hope you all are happy
with the order that you're standing in.
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330. Because if you follow me in there,
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331. that is the order that
I am going to kill you.
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332. Oh, yeah.
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333. Today's gonna be a good day.
Yes, it is!
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334. - Come on, buddy.
- See you later.
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335. You read my private personnel file?
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336. You can read mine if you want.
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337. Of course, it says my name is
Captain Billy Stinkwater
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338. and that I'm half gopher.
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339. Sir, I know that
you're sensitive about your age,
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340. but getting older comes
with tons of perks.
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341. I mean, you command more respect.
You get discounts.
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342. People think it's adorable
when you toot.
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343. Look, I do not care about getting older.
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344. - Aw!
- See?
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345. - Then what's your problem?
- None of your business.
Copy !req
346. Well, if you don't care,
then let us throw you a party.
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347. There's gonna be cake
and presents and...
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348. We have to get him presents?
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349. You can have anything you want
off my tool belt.
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350. Sweet. I'll take that
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351. 12-volt cordless, rechargeable
nickel-metal hydride battery power drill.
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352. - I was kidding.
- Too late. Hand it over.
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353. - Looks expensive.
- It is.
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354. Thank you.
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355. Dr Reid, let me make this as clear
as possible.
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356. I do not want a party.
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357. Fair enough.
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358. There's just one problem.
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359. Surprise!
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360. Ted, these are Chanukah decorations!
Copy !req
361. They were on sale!
Copy !req
362. Make a wish.
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363. - Awesome. Thanks.
- I'm glad you like it.
Copy !req
364. I stole it from my husband.
Copy !req
365. Hey, Carla.
I got you some Kelso cake. It's delish.
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366. - And a dreidel.
- I'm not talking to you.
Copy !req
367. Okay, now if it was anybody else,
I'd just say thank you and let it die,
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368. but since it's you,
I gotta know what it is that I don't get.
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369. Too bad.
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370. Come on!
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371. Okay, walk by so he doesn't
even have a chance to tempt you.
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372. What the hell is behind his ear?
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373. I know you see that.
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374. Why don't you just go ahead
and grab it?
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375. Turk, I am not playing
"Hide the Saltine".
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376. You know you wanna.
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377. - That's 1-0, me.
- Yes, it is.
Copy !req
378. - Wait! Why're you torturing me?
- Wait! Why're you torturing me?
Copy !req
379. Happy birthday, Dr Kelso.
Copy !req
380. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
381. Oh, my God. Is that a smile?
Copy !req
382. Well, it's like last year when
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383. the safety brake failed
on Enid's wheelchair
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384. and she started rolling toward our pool.
Copy !req
385. I told myself,
"Bob, it's already too late to stop it,
Copy !req
386. "so you might as well
just sit back and enjoy it."
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387. Sir, I got you a power drill.
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388. I know you wanted one
for your hobby shop.
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389. The Janitor already gave me one.
Copy !req
390. Nobody likes a copycat, Ted.
Copy !req
391. So what do I do with this?
Copy !req
392. Ooh.
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393. - Thanks.
- Hey!
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394. So, Bob, I just dropped by to tell you
Copy !req
395. we need to find
an interim orthopaedic surgeon.
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396. Apparently Dr Hooch was involved
in some kind of hostage situation.
Copy !req
397. Well, Hooch is crazy.
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398. Sixty-five, huh?
Copy !req
399. Yeah, how about that?
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400. How about that?
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401. Baby, have you been in my locker?
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402. 'Cause I can't seem to find
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403. my autographed
Michael Jordan basketball.
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404. - Autographed?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
405. No.
Copy !req
406. - Okay, we gotta talk.
- Okay, we gotta talk.
Copy !req
407. If you speak simultaneously
with me again,
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408. I'm going to have to kill you. Kill you.
Copy !req
409. I'll tell you why I'm torturing you.
Copy !req
410. Why would you stop being you?
Copy !req
411. - Because he called me an infant.
- Of course he did.
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412. Plus, two weeks ago,
you were all over me about growing up.
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413. Dude, I wasn't saying you needed
to change who you are.
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414. I just meant that once you have a kid,
you gotta be more responsible,
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415. and you're doing that.
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416. Look at you.
You spend a ton of time with Sam.
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417. Hell, you've even started a college
fund for him.
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418. He started a college fund?
We didn't start a college fund.
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419. Baby, we're being a team.
How often does that happen?
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420. - Get in the game.
- Right.
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421. You're just as dumb as he is.
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422. Of course Josh had to find out what
was wrong with him eventually,
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423. but you were so cavalier
about telling him
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424. and taking his childhood away.
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425. I didn't take his childhood away.
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426. Really?
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427. Because Josh was spending
so much time on his laptop
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428. researching leukaemia mortality rates,
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429. I had to give him
a basketball just to distract him.
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430. - Wait. What?
- Turk, we're a team.
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431. Who cares about losing
your childhood? I damn sure didn't.
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432. Yeah, because your parents were
violently abusive alcoholics.
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433. Not that there's
anything wrong with that.
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434. It was probably very exciting.
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435. Don't take your lead
from this train wreck.
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436. If you're lucky enough to still have a
kid inside you, you gotta hold onto that.
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437. And if you don't have one,
I bet if you think about it,
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438. you want your kids to spend
as much time as possible
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439. just being what?
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440. Yeah.
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441. The only thing I hate more than
simultaneous speaking is
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442. when people try to get me
to finish their sentences.
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443. Just being kids.
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444. That's right.
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445. By the way, baby, you're getting my
basketball back from that cancer kid.
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446. Sorry.
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447. No matter how old you are,
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448. you should never forget
the importance of childhood.
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449. Whether it's letting
your kid hold onto his...
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450. How you doing, Jackie?
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451. Do it again.
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452. I love Daddy.
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453. I love Jackie.
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454. Give me a kiss.
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455. or holding onto your own.
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456. Excuse me, young miss.
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457. Would you like to sign this petition
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458. to make our hospital
more giant-accessible?
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459. - How many signatures do we have?
- None.
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460. Damn it!
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461. Excuse me, sir.
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462. Would you like to sign this petition
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463. to make this hospital
more giant-accessible?
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464. Because everything
happens so fast,
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465. it can all slip away before you know it.
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466. So, Bob, as you know,
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467. it's our policy to have administrators
step down when they reach 65.
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468. Over the next few months we'll be
searching for your replacement.
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469. Do me a favour
and keep this between us.
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470. Of course.
ob, as you know,
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471. it's our policy to have
administrators step down
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472. when they reach 65.
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473. Over the next few months, we'll be
searching for your replacement.
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474. Do me a favor
and keep this between us.
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475. Of course.
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