1. After six weeks home with
her baby, Carla was facing the decisionCopy !req
2. that all new moms have to face,Copy !req
3. whether she should go back to work.Copy !req
4. Okay, so if we take my salary
and subtract the costCopy !req
5. of a full-time nanny,
plus her health insurance,Copy !req
6. we would still end up withCopy !req
7. losing $5 a month?Copy !req
8. This is completely your decision.
I don't care one way or the other.Copy !req
9. Maybe I'll try staying home
with Izzy for a year.Copy !req
10. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
11. Yes, yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
12. As for me, ever since
my pregnant girlfriend left,Copy !req
13. I've been a little clingy
with my roommate.Copy !req
14. J.D., I'm gonna get a drink
from the water fountain.Copy !req
15. You wanna come?Copy !req
16. Please, Elliot, I'm not that desperate.Copy !req
17. Although I am a little parched.
Plus I could hold back her hair.Copy !req
18. Are you okay, ma'am?Copy !req
19. How many fingers do you see?Copy !req
20. Call 911 EmergencyCopy !req
21. Why are you singing?Copy !req
22. Wait, why am I singing?Copy !req
23. Is there someone here with you?Copy !req
24. Someone that we could talk to?Copy !req
25. - Are you okay?
- Are you okay?Copy !req
26. - Are you all right?
- Are you all right?Copy !req
27. - Are you okay?
- Are you okay?Copy !req
28. - Are you all right?
- Are you all right?Copy !req
29. - Are you okay?
- Are you okay?Copy !req
30. - Are you all right?
- Are you all right?Copy !req
31. The mind's a freaky thing, Elliot.
Maybe she does hear singing.Copy !req
32. Yeah, well, I haven't sung
since the sixth-grade talent showCopy !req
33. when I did Pat Benatar's
Hell is For Children,Copy !req
34. and then afterwards Mr Shemin,
the emcee, said,Copy !req
35. "No, actually, hell is for everyone who
just had to hear you sing that song."Copy !req
36. My mom was so mad, she
slept with him and ruined his marriage.Copy !req
37. Well, let's see how she's doing.Copy !req
38. Hello, I'm Dr Kelso
I'm delighted that you cameCopy !req
39. So the doctors say you fainted
And you don't know what's to blameCopy !req
40. Well, put your mind at ease
There's no ill we can't outsmartCopy !req
41. On behalf of all who work hereCopy !req
42. - Welcome to Sacred Heart!
- Welcome to Sacred Heart!Copy !req
43. Our facilities are excellent
You couldn't ask for moreCopy !req
44. As long as you avoid the bathrooms
On the second floorCopy !req
45. This is Dr Cox
I'll be giving him your chartCopy !req
46. And that's Dr Kelso
The kiss-ass of Sacred HeartCopy !req
47. You say you burnt
Your hand real badCopy !req
48. We'll fix you up with gauzeCopy !req
49. Perhaps you need your fat sucked outCopy !req
50. - Or want a smaller schnoz
- Hey!Copy !req
51. You've caught an S.T.D.
From some tasty little tart?Copy !req
52. We swear we won't judge you
Here at Sacred, here at SacredCopy !req
53. Here at Sacred Heart!Copy !req
54. One more thing that I should mention
If what I've heard is trueCopy !req
55. And everyone appears
To be singing to youCopy !req
56. Your case is very serious
And we'd better startCopy !req
57. 'Cause if you think we're singing
You belong at Sacred Heart!Copy !req
58. Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead guys!Copy !req
59. Welcome to Sacred HeartCopy !req
60. So, Mrs Miller passed both the
audiological and neurological exams.Copy !req
61. We cannot find anything that explains
why she's hearing music.Copy !req
62. No? How about this for an explanation?Copy !req
63. She's cuckoo-pants.Copy !req
64. Run some more tests
and turf her to psych.Copy !req
65. Hey, Mrs Miller
We just need a stool sampleCopy !req
66. Why do you need a stool sample
If you think I'm just a nut?Copy !req
67. 'Cause the answer's not in your
head, my dear, it's in your buttCopy !req
68. You seeCopy !req
69. Everything comes down to pooCopy !req
70. From the top of your head
To the sole of your shoeCopy !req
71. We can figure out
What's wrong with you byCopy !req
72. Looking at your poo
Turk?Copy !req
73. Do you have a haemorrhoid
Or is it rectal cancer?Copy !req
74. When you flush your dookie down
You flush away the answerCopy !req
75. It doesn't really matter
If it's hard or if it's looseCopy !req
76. We'll figure out what's ailing you
As long as it's a deuceCopy !req
77. Yes!Copy !req
78. - Everything comes down to poo
- Everything comes down to pooCopy !req
79. Cardiovascular and lymphatic
Yes, the nervous system, tooCopy !req
80. All across the nation
We trust in defecationCopy !req
81. Everything comes down to pooCopy !req
82. If you want to know what's wrong
Don't sit and act so coolCopy !req
83. Just be a man and eat some bran
And drop the kids off at the poolCopy !req
84. My stomach hurts!Copy !req
85. Check the pooCopy !req
86. I sprained my ankle!Copy !req
87. Check the pooCopy !req
88. I was shot!Copy !req
89. Check the pooCopy !req
90. A homeless guy threw poo in my eye.Copy !req
91. Check the pooCopy !req
92. Mine or his?Copy !req
93. First him, then youCopy !req
94. It may sound gross
You may say, "Shush"Copy !req
95. But we need to see
What comes out of your tush!Copy !req
96. BecauseCopy !req
97. - Everything comes down to poo
- Everything comes down to pooCopy !req
98. Whether it's a tumour
Or a touch of the fluCopy !req
99. Please won't you pinch us off
A big fat clueCopy !req
100. Our number one test
Is your number twoCopy !req
101. If there's no breeze
Light a match pleaseCopy !req
102. Everything comes down toCopy !req
103. - Doo-doo
- Doo-dooCopy !req
104. - Doo-doo
- Doo-dooCopy !req
105. Everything comes down to pooCopy !req
106. You can touch her, it's okay.Copy !req
107. Guess what, you guys?Copy !req
108. I put an offer on a little house
and it just got accepted!Copy !req
109. - Congratulations! That's awesome.
- I own a house!Copy !req
110. Come on, baby. See you!Copy !req
111. I'm so excited for us!Copy !req
112. Does he think
that he's moving in with me?Copy !req
113. That would be a "yes."Copy !req
114. Excuse me, ex-Nurse Turkleton,Copy !req
115. but if you want to hang out around here
you're going to need a visitor's badge.Copy !req
116. So, Carla, when will you be back?Copy !req
117. Not for a yearCopy !req
118. - A year?
- A year?Copy !req
119. Not for one longCopy !req
120. Long yearCopy !req
121. We understand you love that kid
But this ain't no way to treat usCopy !req
122. And I hesitate to say you did
What Judas done to JesusCopy !req
123. When you leave us all we'll be upsetCopy !req
124. Look out, that floor is very wetCopy !req
125. We're going to miss you, Carla
We're going to miss you 'round hereCopy !req
126. - We're going to miss you, Carla
- We're going to miss you, CarlaCopy !req
127. - We're saying this through our tears
- We're saying this through our tearsCopy !req
128. How we ever going to get along
without you for a long, long year?Copy !req
129. Who'll tell me that
My new toupee looks sweet?Copy !req
130. Who'll treat my gay son's rash
And be discreet?Copy !req
131. Who'll give me better ways to say
"Man meat"?Copy !req
132. Thanks, I'm using that!Copy !req
133. We're going to
miss you 'round hereCopy !req
134. We're going to miss you, CarlaCopy !req
135. We're saying this through our tearsCopy !req
136. How we ever gonna get along
without you for a long, long year?Copy !req
137. My baby's made the choice
To be at home and not at workCopy !req
138. So let us all rejoiceCopy !req
139. 'Cause she's the brand-new
Mama TurkCopy !req
140. He's right, of course, and yet my heart
In spite of this feels torn apartCopy !req
141. We're going to miss you, CarlaCopy !req
142. We're going to miss you 'round hereCopy !req
143. I need a tissue, CarlaCopy !req
144. We're saying this
through our tearsCopy !req
145. How we ever
Going to get along without you?Copy !req
146. How we ever
Going to get along without you...Copy !req
147. Lunch!Copy !req
148. It's going to be a longCopy !req
149. Long yearCopy !req
150. Dr Cox, I'm not crazyCopy !req
151. Am I still singing?Copy !req
152. Singing like a birdCopy !req
153. Dr Cox, huge newsCopy !req
154. I pulled some strings and got
the parking spot right behind yoursCopy !req
155. Bumper buddies!Copy !req
156. Still, you're not nearly as bad as herCopy !req
157. Do you know
How much you annoy me?Copy !req
158. The answer is, "A lot"Copy !req
159. Should I list the reasons why?Copy !req
160. Well, I don't see why notCopy !req
161. It's your hair, your nose
Your chinless faceCopy !req
162. You always need a hugCopy !req
163. Not to mention all the manly
Appletinis that you chugCopy !req
164. That you think I am your mentor
Just continues to perplexCopy !req
165. And, oh, my God, stop telling me
When you have nerdy sexCopy !req
166. Oh, by the way,
the last time Kim was in town,Copy !req
167. we got some Appletinis
and poured them on her good parts!Copy !req
168. See now, newbie, that's the thing
You do, that drives me up a treeCopy !req
169. 'Cause no matter how I rant at you
You never let me beCopy !req
170. So, I'm stuck
With all your daydreamingCopy !req
171. Your wish to be my sonCopy !req
172. It makes me suicidal
And I'm not the only oneCopy !req
173. No, I'm not the only oneCopy !req
174. It all started with a penny in the doorCopy !req
175. There was a hatred
I had never felt beforeCopy !req
176. So, now I'll make him payCopy !req
177. Each and every dayCopy !req
178. Until that moussed-haired
Little nuisanceCopy !req
179. Is no moreCopy !req
180. So, now that is why I call you names
Like Carol, Jane, and SueCopy !req
181. Like Moesha, Kim, and Lillian
Suzanne and Betty-LouCopy !req
182. See, regardless of the names I pick
My feelings are quite clearCopy !req
183. You're a pain on every day
Of every month of every yearCopy !req
184. Dr Cox, you've got to help me
'Cause I really am distressedCopy !req
185. Can't you find another option?
Won't you run another test?Copy !req
186. If you want some kind of favour
Really any kind of favourCopy !req
187. Please just get me peace and quiet
from this God-forsaken pestCopy !req
188. I think what my bumper buddy
is trying to say...Copy !req
189. Shut your cake-hole, Mary-BethCopy !req
190. Or I swear to God I'll shut it soonCopy !req
191. Congratulations We'll schedule your test this afternoonCopy !req
192. I know J.D.'s in a bad place,
but I'm an adult,Copy !req
193. I'm making good money,
I just want to live by myself.Copy !req
194. - So, just tell him.
- Oh, so it's that easy?Copy !req
195. Then why don't you just tell Turk
that you want to go back to work?Copy !req
196. Well, what the hell am I gonna do?Copy !req
197. I could tell a bunch of liesCopy !req
198. I could buy him his own placeCopy !req
199. I could bring the baby here with meCopy !req
200. Or tell him there's no spaceCopy !req
201. - Those are some lame-ass ideas.
- We are so screwed.Copy !req
202. I'm sure you must be scared
Not knowing what this test will bringCopy !req
203. It could prove that you are crazy
Do you still hear people sing?Copy !req
204. It's best to know the truth
Of that I have no doubtCopy !req
205. But you'll have to face the future
When the truth comes outCopy !req
206. We are running a test
That's a waste of our timeCopy !req
207. But at least she'll accept
That she's medically fineCopy !req
208. She'll admit that she's nuts
Or I'll have to say snoreCopy !req
209. Just give her the CAT scan
And show her the doorCopy !req
210. While we process your results
We'll take you back to waitCopy !req
211. We've got drugs to calm you down
So you don't stress about your fateCopy !req
212. It's best to know the truth
Of that we have no doubtCopy !req
213. - But you'll have to face the future
- You'll have to face the futureCopy !req
214. When the truth comes outCopy !req
215. You're going to miss it, Carla
You're going to miss it 'round hereCopy !req
216. Gonna hurt him badlyCopy !req
217. But you can't stay away
For one whole yearCopy !req
218. I know that I'm not crazyCopy !req
219. Everything comes down to pooCopy !req
220. I hope that I'm not crazyCopy !req
221. When we move I'm going to have
My own private looCopy !req
222. How am I supposed to tell him
That he's not moving, too?Copy !req
223. Oh, my GodCopy !req
224. He doesn't have a clue!Copy !req
225. I'm crazy!Copy !req
226. If you'd like to reconsider
I'd be glad to do my partCopy !req
227. If you want, your job is openCopy !req
228. Come on back to Sacred HeartCopy !req
229. Look at the temporal lobe.Copy !req
230. That could be
why she's hearing music.Copy !req
231. The biggest aneurysm I've ever seen.
The woman's a time bomb.Copy !req
232. Sometimes you're
Better off not knowingCopy !req
233. But this isn't one of those timesCopy !req
234. Your world's become a musical
And your doctors speak in rhymesCopy !req
235. It's best to know the truth
Of that we have no doubtCopy !req
236. But you'll have to face the futureCopy !req
237. How can I tell him?Copy !req
238. How can I tell him?Copy !req
239. How can I tell her?Copy !req
240. You'll have to face the future
When the truth comes outCopy !req
241. So, Dr Cox, is it serious?Copy !req
242. When the truth comes out!Copy !req
243. Okay, we have to tell them.Copy !req
244. They're so close, maybe they'll help
each other through it.Copy !req
245. Oh, come on, Carla, they're guys,
they're not going to get all touchy-feely.Copy !req
246. Let's face the facts about me and you
A love unspecifiedCopy !req
247. Though I'm proud to call you
Chocolate BearCopy !req
248. The crowd will always talk and stareCopy !req
249. I feel exactly those feelings, too
And that's why I keep them insideCopy !req
250. 'Cause this bear
Can't bear the world's disdainCopy !req
251. And sometimes it's easier to hideCopy !req
252. Than explain our guy love
That's all it isCopy !req
253. - Guy love, he's mine, I'm his
- Guy love, he's mine, I'm hisCopy !req
254. There's nothing gay about it
In our eyesCopy !req
255. You ask me 'bout this thing we shareCopy !req
256. And he tenderly repliesCopy !req
257. It's guy loveCopy !req
258. - Between two guys
- Between two guysCopy !req
259. We're closer than
The average man and wifeCopy !req
260. That's why our matching bracelets
Say "Turk and J.D."Copy !req
261. You know I'll stick by you
For the rest of my lifeCopy !req
262. You're the only man
Who's ever been inside of meCopy !req
263. Whoa, whoa,
I just took out his appendix.Copy !req
264. - There's no need to clarify
- Oh, no?Copy !req
265. Just let it grow
More and more each dayCopy !req
266. It's like I've married my best friendCopy !req
267. - But in a totally manly way
- Let's goCopy !req
268. It's guy love, don't compromiseCopy !req
269. The feeling of some other guyCopy !req
270. Holding up your heart into the skyCopy !req
271. I'll be there to care through all the lowsCopy !req
272. I'll be there to share the highsCopy !req
273. - It's guy love between two guys
- It's guy love between two guysCopy !req
274. And when I say, "I love you, Turk"Copy !req
275. It's not what it impliesCopy !req
276. - It's guy love
- It's guy loveCopy !req
277. - Between two
- Between twoCopy !req
278. - Guys
- GuysCopy !req
279. No hands.Copy !req
280. Okay, I'll go first.Copy !req
281. J.D., I want to live by myself.Copy !req
282. Okay, no problem.
Turk, will you relay this?Copy !req
283. That means you guys
are no longer talking.Copy !req
284. J.D.!Copy !req
285. Wait a second,
what did she mean, she'll go first?Copy !req
286. Turk, I want to come back to work.
It's who I am.Copy !req
287. Well, I always thought family
was the most important thingCopy !req
288. to Puerto Ricans.Copy !req
289. I've had it up to here
So let me make it very clearCopy !req
290. Because I swear
I'll never clue you in againCopy !req
291. Every time that you profess
I come from Puerto RicoCopy !req
292. Yes?Copy !req
293. For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican!Copy !req
294. Don't make a big to-do
I was simply testing youCopy !req
295. Then why'd you tell J.D.
Our baby's Blaxican?Copy !req
296. Babe, you know I know the truthCopy !req
297. Well, I need a little proofCopy !req
298. So list all you know about me
Or no sex againCopy !req
299. - Let's see, your name is Carla
- Oh, yesCopy !req
300. - You are Latina
- ImpressiveCopy !req
301. You're a nurse, your mother's dead
And... Wait, I've got itCopy !req
302. - Three sisters
- Turk!Copy !req
303. Two sisters? Well, I'm sure you have
A brother who's a huge jerk-offCopy !req
304. Tell me, what's my middle name?Copy !req
305. Okay, I'm tired of this gameCopy !req
306. Let's forget it, I give up
I guess you win againCopy !req
307. But it's not just me who gets mixed up
By all this crazy ethnic stuffCopy !req
308. Sorry, even I know she's DominicanCopy !req
309. Did I grow up in Illinois
Or was it Michigan?Copy !req
310. How long before we met
Was I in medicine?Copy !req
311. Was our wedding song
The Beatles or Led Zeppelin?Copy !req
312. Am I freakin' Puerto Rican
Or Dominican?Copy !req
313. The thing is guys remember factsCopy !req
314. Like what Derek Jeter hit last year
Which was.303Copy !req
315. And that is why our brains are maxedCopy !req
316. And there's no room for things like
Birthdays or ethnicitiesCopy !req
317. Well, thank you for that glimpse
Into the workings of the inner manCopy !req
318. Let's talk about your job
And not the fact that you'reCopy !req
319. Dominican!Copy !req
320. You're not staying home from work?Copy !req
321. Will that make you happy, Turk?Copy !req
322. I'll support you if you choose
To earn the BenjaminsCopy !req
323. Then I'll return to work today
Now, you're sure that that's okay?Copy !req
324. I say, "Sí"
Which is "yes" in DominicanCopy !req
325. - And Puerto Rican
- Turk!Copy !req
326. But you're Dominican!Copy !req
327. Look, J.D., I don't want to let you down
when your life is so crappy.Copy !req
328. - Move in with me.
- No, Elliot, it's okay.Copy !req
329. I was just feeling sorry for myself.Copy !req
330. Plus, it's about time
you lived on your own.Copy !req
331. You're closer to 40 than 30.Copy !req
332. - J.D., I'm 29.
- I'm playing with you.Copy !req
333. Listen, we're gonna be fine.
You know why?Copy !req
334. We'll be friends forever
We're going to be friends foreverCopy !req
335. We will always be trueCopy !req
336. Friends forever
We're going to be friends foreverCopy !req
337. I'll always be there for youCopy !req
338. We're as close asCopy !req
339. The vena cava and the aortaCopy !req
340. We're best friends just likeCopy !req
341. Amoxicillin and clavulanic acidCopy !req
342. The tibia, the fibula
The left and right ventricleCopy !req
343. A hypodermic needle
And a latex tourniquetCopy !req
344. Diverticulitis and a barium enemaCopy !req
345. The vena cava and the aortaCopy !req
346. Amoxicillin and clavulanic acidCopy !req
347. The tibia, the fibula
The left and right ventricleCopy !req
348. A hypodermic needle
And a latex tourniquetCopy !req
349. The vena cava and the aortaCopy !req
350. Amoxicillin and clavulanic acidCopy !req
351. The tibia, the fibula
The left and right ventricleCopy !req
352. A hypodermic needle and a...Copy !req
353. What's going to happen?
What does the future hold?Copy !req
354. So many things that I put offCopy !req
355. Assuming I'd have timeCopy !req
356. Assuming I'd grow oldCopy !req
357. What's going to happenCopy !req
358. And will I be alive tomorrow?Copy !req
359. What's going to happen to me?Copy !req
360. You're going to be okayCopy !req
361. - That's what's going to happen
- That's what's going to happenCopy !req
362. Everything's okay
We're right here beside youCopy !req
363. We won't let you slip away
Plan for tomorrowCopy !req
364. 'Cause we swear to you
You're going to be okayCopy !req
365. I'm going to be okayCopy !req
366. - That's what's going to happen
- That's what's going to happenCopy !req
367. - Everything's okay
- Everything's okayCopy !req
368. We will never leave you
Right here we will stayCopy !req
369. - Plan for tomorrow
- Plan for tomorrowCopy !req
370. 'Cause we swear to youCopy !req
371. You're going to be okayCopy !req
372. We hopeCopy !req
373. - Did it work?
- You're gonna have to tell us.Copy !req
374. Thank you.Copy !req
375. By the way, who was the best singer?
You know, like, in your head?Copy !req
376. Don't let the fact that I went
to theatre camp affect your decision.Copy !req
377. In musicals,
there's always a happy ending.Copy !req
378. But in life, sometimes
when you get what you want,Copy !req
379. you end up missing
what you left behind.Copy !req
380. Whether it's your roommate...Copy !req
381. I'll see you in a little while, okay.Copy !req
382. or time spent with your child.Copy !req
383. Or even the music
you used to hear in your head.
19:16,041 —> 00:19:19,625
No, Elliot, it's ok.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself.Copy !req
384. Plus, it's about time
you lived on your own.Copy !req
385. - You're closer to 40 than 30.
- J.D., I'm 29.Copy !req
386. I'm playing with you.
Listen, we're gonna be fine.Copy !req
387. You know why?Copy !req
388. Did it work?Copy !req
389. You're gonna have to tell us.Copy !req
390. Thank you.Copy !req
391. By the way, who was the best singer?Copy !req
392. You know, like in your head.Copy !req
393. Don't let the fact that I went to
theater camp affect your decision.Copy !req
394. In musicals,
there's always a happy ending.Copy !req
395. But in life, sometimes
when you get what you want,Copy !req
396. you end up missing
what you left behind.Copy !req
397. Whether it's your roommate...Copy !req
398. See you in a little while. Ok.Copy !req
399. or time spent with your child.Copy !req
400. Or even the music you used
to hear in your head.Copy !req